The Temple of The Eldritch Horrors Workshop

[Zerith]

So our buddies Ailnea and Mutant Lorenor have asked for a Workshop for their thread, "The Temple of The Eldritch Horrors". So this is the part where I encourage all of you to go take the time to read this little gem, in case the title doesn't sound interesting enough to you. It's certainly caught my interest though.

Anyways, this thread here will be open for the usual two weeks. So I'd like for as many of you as possible to go read the story and then please come back here to share you comments/opinions regarding how they did. Let's just keep it positive, okay? It's not everyday you get to help a fellow writer.

Once the two weeks are up, a rubric will be posted shortly afterwards, along with the contributor rewards. Yeah, that's right! You guys get rewarding for helping, how cool is that?

So go grab a sandwich or whatever you would like to eat while you read and then be sure to come back here and tell us your thoughts!

The Temple of The Eldritch Horrors. (http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=19385)

[SirArtemis]

Wow.

That took me a while to read, but it was worth it. First off, that was fantastic, and a really great read. I'm not judge, or expert, but I'll try to contribute what I can, as little as it may be.

One of the things is that as I continue to do workshops, I've noticed something. Mechanics are often brought up, as they are often the most obvious to spot, yet it has far more importance than I had once thought. Each little mistake, whether it be a typo, missing quotation mark, the wrong form of a word that sounds the same, it takes away from the story. Each time I read "their" when it should have been "they're" or a "your" when it should have been "you're" it took away from the story. It may seem abstract in a way, but I feel like every minor mistake like that takes away from the "credibility" of a story and slows down the reader. Each time I saw a mistake, it almost pushed me OUT of the story that I was being drawn into.

This thread was written over the span of more than a year, and it was a very well done piece. However, I can't help but wonder why in all that time, neither of you seemed to have gone back to fix these little mistakes, and however little they may be, I feel they are very impactful on the audience.


Another small thing I noticed, maybe it only happened once, but there was a disconnect between the two authors. It was as if one author said this, yet the author proceeded to say something that contradicted what had already been said. This also detracts from the experience and makes it difficult to follow. Having to go back and reread something really makes the reader feel, yet again, pushed OUT of the story that does such a good job otherwise of drawing the reader in.


As the story goes, I found that often times I was creating the world for myself. There were occasionally some inserts with respect to how things looked, but I found myself wanting more. Much of the setting seemed to be described visually, and though I know there were times where you interact with the environment, be it describing the thickness of the air in the swampland to the traversing of traps within the temple itself, I just feel more could have been done.


For Ailnea, it took me quite some time (until about post 29 to be exact) before I realized what you were doing with The Observer. I suddenly realized that it was similar to Bumblebee in Transformers, where he has no way to speak for himself, so instead he presents bits from other visions that he has observed in order to portray his message. I like the concept, but I think that there could have been a way to present it that potentially made it more apparent earlier on and not lost me as a reader.


Lorenor, sometimes the language you use makes it difficult for me to feel drawn into the story. I know you have a unique style that we've talked about and you prefer to present things in your own way, but remember, there is still an audience. I remember you referencing Lorenor being "lawful evil" twice throughout the story, and the almost direct reference to D&D throws me off. If you presented him as lawful evil without saying it in such a manner, I feel it could have flowed more smoothly. For example, saying that Lorenor was an evil man, but he still had rules to follow, or something of the sort. That is just one of the things I noticed, and it happened at times in other ways.


Some little things that I have also noticed throughout workshops is that writers will often use phrases unique to their particular culture. For example, a phrase like "close, but no cigar" (though neither of you used it) is something that translated literally can lose a reader. I personally recommend being more straight forward with phrases like this and saying what you mean, rather than trying to use it as a literary device. It may work for a particular audience, but I feel it would be more effective and far-reaching to avoid these things.


Finally, I want to reiterate that this was a great read, and though lengthy, it was very well done and enjoyable. If either of you have questions, feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to give you more specific feedback.

[Zerith]

The Temple of The Eldritch Horrors.


Alright, first I want to say I’m really sorry about the long wait for you guys to have this thread judged. To try and make up for it, I’m just going to get straight to the point and be honest.

I’m not going to lie, this thread was a tough one to get through. The idea behind the thread was cool, and the way it started (like with Ailnea seeing her mother) it started making me think she would be making a few more cameo’s before the story was finished. However, I never did get my wish. Instead I got a completely different story than what I was expecting, which I liked.

However, I felt like the overall pace of the story hurt, it was like a game of ‘red light, green light’. Things would get interesting, and then I’d find myself either getting lost and confused, or just bored. Yet I feel like the idea of this story was really meant to develop the character of Ailnea, which you achieved without question. So in the end I guess you achieved your goal, which is a good thing.

Ailnea, I really like how you played the Observer, especially its dialogue. Unlike some other people, I got the idea of what you were trying to achieve with it fairly quickly, but I can see how others could have trouble understanding it. However, there really wasn’t much else to be noted. You did a good job of portraying Akim as a villain, as I immediately found myself disliking him. I even found myself laughing and shaking my head when the giant picked up your character and started running. I don’t know if it was intentional, but it really lightened the mood of the story.

One thing I would like to suggest though is that as the GM or the person that starts the thread you should try to keep the thread moving at a reasonable pace. When the party was in the temple, it was obvious that you were the one dictating what was happening. I found myself wanting to just skip to the end by the time the party was just reaching the traps. This is something that takes time to develop, and even then we all find ourselves stuck in threads and feeling like things are moving really slowly. So please, don’t give up anytime soon. Keep writing.

Lorenor. I’m going to start this by asking the question I’ve been asking through the entire time I was reading this thread. WHAT IS THE N’JAL PROTOCOL!? You referred to it a couple times, but there was absolutely no explanation given. I’ve even tried to look at your character profile (I even asked others if they knew anything) but I still was unable to find an explanation behind it. Even when The Endless was mentioned, you never really explained these things. As a reader, I shouldn’t have to go look up your profile in order to find answers to these questions since they should be in the story. I’m sorry Lorenor, but this really hurt the continuity of the thread.

Also the way you wrote dialogue at times was frustrated me to no end. I understand you have your own technique and style, but it is a general practice that when two or more characters are talking back and forth, a new paragraph usually starts each time someone different speaks. All the times you were writing dialogue between Lorenor and characters such as the tribe Elder or Kythor in large, single paragraphs, it made it very difficult to understand who was saying what. It hurt the clarity of the thread. So I’m politely asking you to just try and remember this for next time okay, otherwise you may lose some of your readers.

Overall, the story was good and it was neat to see just what Ailnea’s place in Althanas. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next in this story. Now onto the rubric!

STORY - 16

CHARACTER - 14

WRITING STYLE - 13

WILD CARD – 5

FINAL SCORE – 48!!

Rewards:

Ailnea receives 1161 EXP and 230 GP!!

Mutant Lorenor receives 2791 EXP and 216 GP!!

Pending approval by an RoG mod, Lorenor receives his spoils. However, The Blood Sword is only capable of delivering a blast of Soul Fyre once a day, and only once in a battle thread. Should Lorenor try to force the sword to do it a second time in a day, there is a very high possibility that the ability will backfire and inflict Lorenor instead.

SirArtemis, being the top (and only) contributor, receives 250 EXP and 150 GP!!

Should either of you have any questions about this, please feel free to PM me.

[Aiko]

To be honest, I had forgotten this. Awesome amount of XP though. That may very well be the most I've ever earned for a single thread. Kinda frightening actually, but in a good way. I'm just that much closer to making her go even faster...

[Silence Sei]

exp-gp added.