A small beginning on the path to knowledge.

[Lady Uroki]

The door swings open and a small, cloaked girl walks in, her hood pushed back to show off thick, braided brown hair framing a heartshaped, cute face. Violet eyes catch onlooker's attention as she makes her way to a counter she can barely see over. she has to wave her hand to get the barkeeps attention.

The barkeep, an old bearded man, with kindly eyes, smiles down at the child, noting her weary demeanor, despite the inner strength in her gaze. He chuckles, seeing that she's a determined young thing, and asks in a booming voice, "Well, child, what can I do for you?"

Uroki smiles at him, making her tired face so much more alive. Her voice is soft, but not shy at all. "Good sir, have you a room and a meal?"

The Innkeep gestures for her to take a seat. "Depends, lass. Have you coin or trade?"

"Course." she replies. "I'm a witch. I know a few tricks, do you need anything?"

"Kitchen keeps catching fire. Can you do anything about that?"

Uroki rummages through her small shoulderbag and pulls out several small pouches. "Hang these, one in each corner and one over the cookfire, and you'll be safe from fire damage. Five charms, for two nights room and three days meals."

"A good deal, I'd say." The innkeep pours a cup of hot apple cider for the girl and goes to hang the charms. Uroki sips the cider, a smile on her face. She doesn't plan to be here long, but as she looks around, she sees all the interesting people, listens to their talk, and wonders how much she could learn.

[Of Two Minds]

Jeren Silster opened the door to the Peaceful Promenade with a shudder. The brisk evening wind blew through the open portal like some maddened animal, as eager to get into the inn’s warmed interior as Jeren himself was. If anyone took notice that he held the door open a little too long, as if waiting for some unseen observer to pass behind him, they made no mention of it. Underwood brought all sorts of odd people out of the woodwork.

“Gods above,” Syrian DeVries called out, rubbing his hands together rather briskly, “it’s good to get out of that weather.”

“Agreed,” Jeren nodded, clearing a path for the two wanderers towards an unoccupied table.

“When was the last time we bought new coats?” Syrian asked, his rubbing having moved up the sides of his arms.

“When was the last time we had the coin for new coats?” Jeren snorted in reply.

Syrain paused for a moment, then shrugged and resumed his rubbing. “Fair enough. At least we have enough for a hot meal and some liquid warmth, though. Am I right?” Syrian jostled Jeren, bringing the faintest hint of a smile to the normally dour man’s face.

“And thank those same Gods for that,” Jeren’s face broke into a genuine smile. He stood tall, waving for the nearest serving girl’s attention before plopping down next to Syrian. The Peaceful Promenade’s chairs were hard and unyielding, but they felt heavenly on Jeren’s cold-numbed, travel weary feet.

“What can I get for you?” the serving girl asked, rousing Jeren from his relief-filled stupor.

“We’ll take two plates of whatever’s hot and a couple of cold ales to kill our insides with.”

The serving girl’s eyebrows rose questioningly, “Two plates? Friend of yours?”

Jeren looked to where Syrian was doing his best to attract the serving girl’s ample bosom. “Unfortunately. Can’t seem to get rid of him.”

The serving girl shrugged as if to say that it was none of her business as long as she got tipped and then headed back to grab a couple of pints for the table.

“She’s cute,” Syrian commented, leaning over to get a better view of the girl’s departing backside.

“You don’t have a chance,” Jeren smirked, knowing full well that something like that would do nothing to deter his wild companion.

“And with good reason,” Syrian quipped, his eyes going wide with puppy love. Jeren waved it off until he noticed that Syrian was looking in a completely different direction. He followed the man’s gaze to see that Syrian’s attention had been captured by the lovely young woman engaged in conversation with the barkeep.

“Shit Syrian, you’re not thinking about it are you?” Jeren asked, a hint of worry in his voice. They had just gotten in from the cold. He wanted a chance to warm up and catch a hot bite to eata before they were kicked out.

“Not thinking about it,” Syrian flashed Jeren a mischievous grin, “I’m doing it.” Jeren just sighed and shook his head as Syrian pushed back from the table and headed for the bar. He ran his fangers through his hair, pulling it forward in his most suave approximation of manliness. The serving girl paused when she saw him, her tray holding up two steaming plates of stew and frothing mugs. Syrian grabbed one of the mugs in passing before gesturing back to the table.

“It just wasn’t meant to be,” he said in a sorrowful tone and raised his glass in a sad salute. Then, turning to sidle up to the bar, he flashed his roguish grin at the lovely young witch.

“Hi there, beautiful lady,” he said, his voice warm and friendly. “It's wonderful to see a woman as bright as you in this drab place.”

Reminder, white text is only in Jeren/Syrian's mind.

[Lady Uroki]

Uroki looks up as the young man sits next to her, violet eyes bright. she smiles at his compliment.

"Hello . . ." She greets him, sipping her hot cider, cupping it in her hands to warm them. She tugs her cloak a bit closer around her. It's coming to the dark of the moon, the time when witches consecrated to the Goddess are weakened. The innkeep comes over and puts a plate of hot stew in front of her and she murmurs a thank you. Looking over her food, she whispers a prayer to puify her food.

"Great Mother Goddess, bless this gift of abundance and keep it pure that it may nourish my soul as well as my body. So mote it be."

She then takes a bite and smiles. "It's delicious." She tells the innkeeper, who chuckles and pats her on the head. Uroki makes a face and looks over at the nice young man who had complimented her.

"Cold out, isn't it?" She makes conversation, not used to talking to boys outside the coven.

[Of Two Minds]

“It sure is, but I feel like that’s all behind me now,” Syrian grinned and took another pull from his pint. As soon as the girl bent down for another bite he leaned out slightly and flashed a victorious look Jeren’s way, enjoying the shocked expression on his companion’s face.

“So uh,” he caught himself, bringing his attention back to the girl, “my name’s Syrian DeVries. My buddy Jeren and I are war vets, though we’re wandering adventurer types now and not the sit at home type.”

Syrian could already feel the cold ale warming in his empty stomach as he talked. He honestly hadn’t expected anything more than a casual dismissal from the young lady which, given his record, would have been the odds that any sane betting man would have gambled on. But she hadn’t brushed him off and he was more than happy to play the experienced, exciting type, despite the sour look he was receiving from the old barkeep.

“Looks like your drink is getting low,” he said casually, leaning back on his creaky barstool. Then, turning to the sour-faced barkeep he waved a hand, “why don’t you bring another drink for Miss … uh …” Syrian turned to look at his female companion with a sheepish look, realizing that he hadn’t yet asked what her name was in his excitement over not being immediately shot down.

“Miss… uh …” he repeated.

[Lady Uroki]

Uroki smiles as he orders her another drink. She smiles at the old barkeep, letting him know she's fine, and her new conversation companion isn't a threat to her. She turns her violet eyes on him as he asks for her name. He had given hers first, so good manners dictate she give hers.

"Uroki Faolan." She nods to him, then takes another bite of stew. She can't help but smile, he really is cute. The stew and cider warms her quite a bit, and she unclasps the wolf paw cloak pin at her throat, and lets the sturdy brown leather slide from her shoulders. Beneath it she wears a sleeveless, spotless white tunic, spelled against wear and stain. She sets it her bag at her feet. Both have spells against theft on them, and has no worry for their safety. She reaches up to make sure her braids are still done up, and finds the one ha come loose. She braids it up again quickly, long practice giving her speed and skill at this. As she fixes her hair, she talks.

"War veterans, hmm? I'm a with, of the Faolan Tribe."

[Of Two Minds]

“Uroki Faolan? What a coincidence, I knew a Uroki Faolan back in my hometown,” Syrian flashed a wink at the young witch, “though she wasn’t half the lady you are.”

About that time, the serving girl who had initially served Jeren and him showed up, dumping the two plates on the counter in front of Syrian. “You’re friend still isn’t there. We’ve got another group who wants the seats so I’m dropping this off here.”

“Huh,” Syrian mused, annoyed to have his glowing conversation interrupted. He leaned over, looking back to where Jeren had just been, “wonder where he went.” He didn’t have to wait long, however, as his eye caught sight of his friend entering the restroom.

“Well, I hope he wasn’t terribly comfortable at that table,” Syrian chuckled, delighted to have his own slightly cooled stew to munch on. “Where was I,” Syrian mused aloud, picking the choicest bits from both plates seemingly without notice.

“Oh right,” he returned his attention to Uroki with a hint of mirth in his eyes, “I honestly can’t say that I’m familiar with the Faolan Tribe. Where do you hail from?”

Syrian planted a hunk of potato in his mouth and chewed contentedly.

[Lady Uroki]

"North." She answers evasively, and sips her new cider. The location of the Faolan Coven isn't meant to be common knowledge. She's curous about this friend of his, because she's sure she saw him enter alone. It's a puzzle to her,but that's okay. She's very fond of puzzles, and the man is kind. She lieks his flirtatious nature, even though she knows she's not very pretty. Her viole eyes are striking, she knows, rare among the Faolan tribe. But otherwise, no, she's not much. Many had been quick to tell her so. She shakes her head, knowing it's rude to be so lost in thought. To her companion, she asks a question of her own, finally.

"So you and your friend, are you heading anywhere in particular, or just traveling for the sake of traveling?"

[Of Two Minds]

“Well,” Syrian pushed the hot bit of potato to the side of his mouth so he could speak clearly, then deciding that talking with the food in his mouth at all was rude, swallowed it. Unfortunately, the hunk of potato wasn’t as thoroughly chewed as he would have liked it to be and it caught a bit on the way down. His casual smile turned to a small fit of coughing, and he quickly beat his fist on the bar top to relieve himself. The old bartender flashed a wicked, serves-you-right, grin at him, but Syrian ignored it and instead took a gulp from his ale to wash the scratchiness out of his throat.

“Sorry about that,” he grinned again, even more sheepishly than before. “Apparently Humans weren’t meant to breathe potato.” He let the corny joke linger in the air a moment before grabbing another sip from his ale. An observer would note that his second pull was taken from the cup claimed as his friend’s, and that he sloshed far more of it on the counter than he drank. An even more keen observer would note that the two cups were now roughly as empty as one another.

“Jeren and I,” Syrian paused for a moment, realizing that he hadn’t introduced Uroki to his companion, “Jeren’s the dour sourpuss I hang around with, by the way. Well, Jeren and I are pretty much travelling for the sake of it at this point. We’ve both had enough of getting in trouble for the benefit of others, so now we’re only getting in trouble for our own benefit.

“And what about you? What’s got you up and out of the North?”

[Lady Uroki]

Uroki looked on with a concerned expression as he chokes on the potato, then laughs at his joke. "Apparently not."

She smiles at the thought of adventuring to get into trouble, then thinks for a moment before answering him.

"Well, I was raised to be a High Priestess in the Faolan Coven, but then, about a month ago, depending on what today is, I got a vision. In it, I opened a book and found a map, with a glowing line following a path through it. And at certain spots long the path were pictures of interesting items, So, now I'm questing in search of those items along that path."

She smiles and sips her cider, and after a few more bites, finishes her stew.
"Unfortunately," She continues. "I have no idea what I'm really doing, no survival skills, and only a few small spells to get me by."

[Of Two Minds]

“Ah-ha, a lady on a mission,” Syrian teased, though a spark of excitement lit in his chest. It looked as if things really were marching in his favor for once. Unfortunately, there was still one major roadblock in his way. A dour, too-serious-for-his-own-good roadblock who was just making his way out of the restroom.

Jeren’s face twisted in a scowl as he came out of the restroom and saw the trio that had taken over his and Syrian’s table. He looked over to the bar to enlist Syrian’s aid in resolving the situation but stopped when he noticed his plate sitting on the counter next to his companion and realized what a lost cause it would be. The stupid grin on Syrian’s face, as if the man were a cat who had just caught a canary, didn’t instill much confidence in Jeren either.

“Just great,” Jeren muttered, sliding onto the stool behind Syrian with an exasperated sigh. Taking a sip from his mug, Jeren looked to Syrian and forced a smile, “I understand that you’re a little preoccupied, but did you have to drag me over here as well? I was really enjoying having a chair with a back on it.”

Syrian shrugged as if to say that it wasn’t his fault and put down the mug as then turned back to Uroki. “Sorry about my friend,” he said to the witch, “he doesn’t quite have a warm enough personality to ward off the evening chill.”

With a broad wave of his hand, Syrian gestured from Jeren to Uroki. “Uroki, allow me to introduce you to my good friend and completely platonic life partner, Jeren Silster.”

Jeren sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, pulling it back into his familiar bind. He was hoping to avoid getting caught up in Syrian’s games, something that seemed impossible at this point. Extending his hand, Jeren gave the young woman the most accommodating smile that he could. “Pleased to meet you Miss … Uroki was it?”

[Lady Uroki]

Uroki blinked, and stared at him a bit. There had been such a shift, and then Syrian had spoken in a completely different voice!!

The new voice is very gruff, and definitely scowly. For a moment, she's disconcerted, then sighs. Alright . . this she can deal with. She smiles at Syrian's 'friend'.

"Yes. Uroki Faolan. And you're . . . Jeren? It's a pleasure to meet you." She sips her cider. The innkeep was staring at her like she's a lunatic, but she shrugs at him. Not a big deal. Jeren and Syrian share a body. She can handle that. Right?

[Of Two Minds]

“Likewise,” Jeren shook her hand and then returned to mulling through the remnants of his stew. Syrian gave a slight cough, the kind that meant that he wanted attention and wasn’t just clearing his throat.

“Uroki was just telling me that she’s on a vision quest,” he said casually, turning around so that he could lean backwards against the bar.

“That sounds pretty important,” Jeren nodded, washing a gravy-covered hunk of carrot down with another sip of his cool ale.

“Doesn’t it just?” Syrian’s grin went from ear to ear. “Unfortunately, she doesn’t have any outdoors experience or bodyguards to help her out.” Syrian stared at Jeren expectantly, the cat having been let out of the bag. Jeren signed, knowing just how ‘unfortunate’ Syrian thought the situation was.

There was no use being standoffish, now that Syrian had put him in this position, “I assume he’s offered our services for your little endeavor?” he asked.

[Lady Uroki]

"Uhhh . . no, he hasn't. but I'd welcome the company. A girl alone in the woods is just prey." She states, then smiles. "But I couldn't pay you or anything, and I couldn't as you to come along and look after me without payment."

She looks down at the counter shyly, and when she turns away to pick up her cup of cider, a set of deep cuts, like animal claws, is visible on her bare upper arm. The barkeep notices them too, and frowns.

Uroki, however, seems to be ignoring them. She's under the impression that she can tough out anythins, and it's possible she can, but at her age is it really wise to test that theory?

[Of Two Minds]

Jeren sighed inwardly at Uroki’s mention of pay. He and Syrian weren’t broke, per se, but their funds never seemed to last as long as they should. As of now they had enough coin to keep them in rooms and meals for the next week or so, longer if they scrounged around on the trail, but after that it was back to whatever small jobs they could find. He wanted to explain their situation to Uroki, that he and Syrian just couldn’t afford to go traipsing around right now, but the look in Syrian’s eyes stopped him.

It was a discussion the two of them had had on many occasions. Life as adventurers, especially relatively unknown ones, was hard enough as it was. But even so, the two of them knew and agreed upon the fact that there had to be more to life than sheer practicality. It wasn’t the fantasy of being knights in shining armor, or even a desire to be heralded as heroes. It was the plain, simple fact that life wasn’t worth living if you were going to squander it.

Hell, he thought, giving Syrian a nod of approval with his eyes, we’ve been hungry before.

Syrian’s grin returned full force and he jerked forward, sending his hair flying loose again. “Then you don’t have to ask at all,” he said to Uroki. “Big damn heroes like us can’t just let a beautiful lady wander around all by her lonesome now can we?”

[Lady Uroki]

Uroki watched the discussion going on between the two of them, sort of, and then when Syrian grinned and declared that they would accompany her, she smiled. Something about both the roguish Syrian, and the dour Teren intrigued her, and she thought they both would be interesting companions. Besides, the first picture on her map was a two headed man. Maybe that meant the two.

Thrilled that her new friends would be accompanying her, she hugs them, her violet eyes lighting up brightly. "It'll be fun, you'll see!!"

She ignored the innkeeps look of definite distaste as he hears that.

[Of Two Minds]

Syrian relished the hug that Uroki gave him, ignoring the sour looks from both the beardy bartender and Jeren. He had honestly hoped that his offer of assistance would lead to a bit … more, but he was content to leave it at that for right now. Plus, he figured that he would have plenty of time to work himself in a little further now that Uroki would be travelling with them. Or was it they who would be travelling with her? Syrian shrugged, it didn’t really matter as long as long as their party now consisted of Uroki, Jeren, and him.

Jeren coughed politely behind him and Syrian reluctantly disengaged from Uroki, a silly grin plastered on his face. Jeren merely shook his head in exasperation, his shoulder length hair rolling back around. “As much fun as it has been to watch the two of you, it’s been a long day. I’m going to go get a room for us Syrian, I’m sure you can find your way up.”

Syrian looked back and forth between Uroki and Jeren wistfully. The wise thing to do would be to follow Jeren up at this point, and while Syrian wasn’t exactly known for pursuing the wise course of action at every opportunity, it appeared that they would have a big day ahead of them.

“As much as I’d love to stay and bask in your glory some more, I’m afraid that it has been a rather long day for the both of us and that ale is starting to hit me. We’ll see you for breakfast.”

And with that, Jeren and Syrian departed.

[Silence Sei]

As requested, I will give Uroki the most commentary in this review, with a couple of shout outs to Two Minds.
• STORY ~


Continuity (5/10) ~ I’m assuming that this is the first ‘quest’ for each of you. While Two Minds was a bit confusing from the intro, I could understand Uroki fine. As such, average score, though adding a little more by giving some background into your new character might help

Setting (4/10) ~ The bartender, whom I’m counting as part of setting here, was mentioned once or twice, but like most of the setting in this story, it was pretty much in the background. Try spending a bit more time on small items. Potato in the throat was a nice touch, but try to do more stuff like that, you two. Don’t just describe the taste of the ale, give us smell, how the mug itself feels when you wrap your hand around it, etc etc.

Pacing (3/10) ~ I find it hard to believe someone would willingly just take an adventurer with her, especially consider (1) he was (at least seemed like) trying to get in her pants, and (b) from the outside world, he has a split personality. You two should have drawn out the thread a bit longer, with Uroki getting down to the story behind J and S, rather than just saying ‘Okay, lets roll’.

12/30


• CHARACTER ~

Dialogue (6/10) ~ Pretty decent conversations. TM, you carried the thread with your ‘inner monologues’ and whatnot. Uroki, I would advise getting more connected to your character. She’s a witch, and willingly and readily admits it topeople, you could have made the bartender either skeptic, fearful, or hateful towards Uroki, rather than just accept her. This may be because said bartender has seen so many types come around, but you need to clarify that if that’s the case.

Action (5/10) ~ The action in this thread being the back-and-forth dialogue between all three characters, you each did a pretty decent job. As said before Uroki, I wouldn’t willy nilly go around saying ‘I’m a witch, yo’ without having people react in some sort of way to it. I would advise reading a few quests by TwinCast (Namely ‘Keep It Classy’) in order to see how ‘normal’ Althanians should react to witchcraft.

Persona (3/10) ~ I gathered that Jeren liked the girls, and that S liked coins, but I had no real feeling about who any of your characters were. There was virtually no depth in the thread. Try to accsess your characters feelings. Was Uroki feeling homesick talking about the covenant? Jeren had a slight hint of jealousy, but he was the most persona-fied character in the entire thread. When you’re trying to carry two characters as one, use both of them equally.
14/30
• WRITING STYLE ~

Mechanics (2/10) ~Uroki, you in particular need to work on your mechanics. I would not only suggest that you post each of your posts in Microsoft Word or some other spellcheck of some sort, but re-read your post so you haven’t mistaken a word for hand with head or something like that, or missed a r in her to make he. TM, watch words like ‘wasn’t’ outside of dialogue, and try to instead use ‘was not’

Technique (4/10) ~No real technique used other than the foreshadowing for future adventures at the end. Remember that things like allusion,metaphors, foreshadowing, alliteration, all of these can be considered literary devices, and would help to raise the score here.

While we’re on that, TM, try to avoid putting an entire sentence in to describing a look. In your earlier post about the waitress giving a doesn’t matter as long as I get paid look, make sure to try and cut that off somewhere else. ‘Whatever’ would have worked just as well, as well as ‘a ‘I just want my tip’ look’

Clarity (4/10) ~ Mechanics hurt the clarity of this thread something fierce. As such, I would suggest what I suggested for your mechanics score to help you guys out.
Wild Card (6/10) ~ We need more witches in Althanas, and I enjoy the dual nature of TM. As such, you got san above average score here.

16/40


Total: 42/100

Tm AND Uroki each get 340 Exp, as well as 40 GP, and a cupon for BOGO drinks at the PP the next time they come. Can not be sold.

[Silence Sei]

Exp-GP added.