Let Me Not - Part I: Cage of Souls Workshop

[Zerith]

Fatina/Heart of Zaga/Calamus has asked for a Workshop for the recently finished thread, Let Me Not - Part I: Cage of Souls (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=18923). So this means you guys get to help another writer again!

To those that don't know how this system works, I'll tell you. This thread here will be open for two weeks, during this time I encourage all of you to click on the link I posted and read the story. When you're done, come back here and tell us what you thought of it, and offer some suggestion/constructive criticism. When the two weeks are over, a rubric will be posted by yours truly and rewards will be given out.

I mean c'mon, you gets get rewarded for helping out here. Isn't that a good deal?

Go make a sandwich or something and get comfortable, then you can enjoy the read!

[Hysteria]

Ok, first thing, I am pretty sure all three profiles were one person, so I am going to not bother separating my comments for each one. (if this isn't the case let me know and I'll separate it). Given the amount of overlap in the storytelling, it'd be hard to do so anyway.

WRITING STYLE (30 points):
First thing that got me was the first person (technically third I suppose with Zaga not the main character) that disappeared after the first post. I liked it, but having it just turned off was odd. I think I understand that you did it to ensure that the story flowed better with one style.

There were a number of spelling/grammatical errors through the posts, including using the wrong word (so spell checker didn't pick up on it), run on sentences and the occasional missing word. Sometimes it was noticeable and interrupted the flow, most of the time it didn't.

The language you employed to ttell the story was a bit of a double edged blade. On the one side it was effective at trapping my attention and I liked how you wrote, on the other sometimes it bogged me down and was hard to follow. I think maybe a proof-read with the specific aim of simplifying some of the sentences would make it more readable.

Lastly because of the way you expressed what was happening I became lost. Most posts started with a memory or telling of some back story and then sometimes continued from where the last one stopped. Most of the time though it jumped around more than an ADD kid after drinking red cordial.

All in all, I thought you displayed a colourful, engaging writing style with a few small errors that were a minor distraction. 20/30.

STORY (30 points)/CHARACTER (30 points):

The story was so hard to follow it wasn't funny, but the story in itself was quite good. The characters well thought out, integrated and captivating. I kinda get that the party was something to do with spirits and the like, but not why. I think a better explanation in this regard could have helped.

In the end, you had good characters, interesting story, but it was poorly described and overly cryptic. The end revaluation wasn't tied into the story through out and seemed to be thrown in right at the end (apart from the referenced that the people were lightly a few posts shy of the end). 10/30 Story and 15/30 Characters.

WILD CARD (10 points): 10/10 Because there was obviously a lot of thought put into the story.

Total: 55 (just fyi, I am not too sure about the scoring methods, not sure if this number related to those normally given out).

[Fatina]

The story was so hard to follow it wasn't funny, but the story in itself was quite good. The characters well thought out, integrated and captivating. I kinda get that the party was something to do with spirits and the like, but not why. I think a better explanation in this regard could have helped.

In the end, you had good characters, interesting story, but it was poorly described and overly cryptic. The end revaluation wasn't tied into the story through out and seemed to be thrown in right at the end (apart from the referenced that the people were lightly a few posts shy of the end).


I meant the end to be kind of a cliffhanger for part two; I was hoping that after seeing what happened here and reading what happened in the past that there would be a sense on impending doom for Selene.

I tried to write the story as kind of a mystery, there were a bunch of breaks in detail and description were its supposed to make you go... "huait hueren't they in dis othar place?" but I think you caught that, which is awesum.

The way I wrote it was meant to be confusing... I didn't mean for it to be that hard to follow though :D'

I should probably read more mystery novels :P

Edit:


Lastly because of the way you expressed what was happening I became lost. Most posts started with a memory or telling of some back story and then sometimes continued from where the last one stopped. Most of the time though it jumped around more than an ADD kid after drinking red cordial.

Okay I see what youre talking about, specifically in post two. I knew there was something off with it, and to be honest it was a part that I reworked a lot. That post being from a year ago- the way I first wrote it didn't make any sense, but when I picked this thread up I tried to rework it, although I think I shouldn't have used the same material. I should've re-written it maybe.

I moved some of the paragraphs arround and removed a few lines, hopefully this new organization gives it a more apparent transition from memories to present events.

Thank you, Hysteria, you've been very helpful!

[Fatina]

I know its petty, but...

<bump> D:

[Fatina]

ooo bumb again before anybody closses it.

[Silence Sei]

Fatina, this is just a note, there is no need to bump a thread given how little is typically in the WW. If people want to post in it, they will. If they don't, they won't. One post stating that it was a bump was okay, but more than that, and it gets a little out of hand. Thanks.

[Taskmienster]

Let Me Not – Part 1: Cage of Souls :: Due to the fact that this has been sitting here for quite some time, and has not been judged yet, I am going to jump in here and help you out. Zerith’s doing the best he can, but has quite a bit to work on so I’m just working on this one for him. I noticed that very few comments were posted, so I’m going to be putting up commentary where I see it needed most in order to help out in response. If you have questions, concerns, or comments feel free to PM or IM me and I’ll help with what I can!

On a general side note about the thread itself :: The continual misuse of simple grammatical elements is what really hurt this thread. Forgetting periods, commas, misusing a word, missing a word altogether, spelling mistakes, and tense agreement mistakes… as well as the first post being in a half present-half past tense first person PoV that was stand alone… made it all really muddled and hard to read. The characters presented were realistic, but with the rather confusing means of the way the story was told mixed with the very strange way the flow kept up with it made it almost too hard to follow at times. I’d suggest going with a little more clarity and simplistic brevity at times in place of the distinct yet muddled style. Finally, be sure to be careful with not giving enough information about the characters themselves.

Story 17/30

Character 18/30

:: Heart of Zaga ::
“I think Sprite-thgings were supposed to be wise" :: I’m not sure if you meant “thought” instead of “think” and “Sprite-things” instead of “thgings"… but either was you forgot a period. You forgot a lot of them though at the end of a piece of dialogue.

Writing Style 10/30

:: Heart of Zaga :: Your style of writing, that being a first person PoV, is not badly done. However, at times, you tend to slip between the past and present tense of a word and in turn make it confusing as to which tense form your narrative is in.

The very first word of the story is spelt wrong. Asside should be “aside”.

“happened to us the weeks before I was amazed to see Selene in that kind of vitality.” :: should have a comma after between “before I”.

“The only time I'd had a glimpse of that joyful face, just like a kid on a candy store,” :: “in a candy store” not on it. Also, that sentence is quite a run on when not punctuated correctly with comma’s.

“A servant, ironically of a higher end than me modestly grasped my arm, taking the glass from my hand and placing one fresh from his tray instead..” :: Was it ironic that the person was a servant? Or ironic that he was of “higher end”? Make sure you clarify what the adverb is attached to.

“If I worked from one year I would only be able to make enough gold to buy an two ounces of that thing.” :: A couple of errors in here… “from” instead of for, “an” shouldn’t be in there.

:: Fatina ::
“Painting the most honest of -fake- smiles she came to the young man's aid.” :: Until this point, I wasn’t aware that Zaga was a boy. Also, there should be a comma between “smiles she”.

:: Calamus ::

“Never having a complete understanding of nations' languages, rules and costumes” :: costumes? Lol. Think you meant customs.

Wild Card 7/10

Overall, the thread wasn’t bad. However, the very apparent and easy mistakes mingled with the overall clarity being muddled by them made it incredibly difficult to read at times. However, the story itself and the characters were well done.

Score 52

Rewards

Fatina :: 400 exp | 75 gold

Calamus :: 375 exp | 75 gold

Heart of Zaga :: 375 exp | 75 gold


WW

Hysteria :: 200 exp | 150 gold as the only contributor and assistance offered!

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.