To See What You've Got Workshop

[Zerith]

So Silence Sei and Amber Eyes decided to request a Workshop for a recently completed thread of they wrote. Do you guys know what that means?

Let me break it down for you. This thread here will be open for two weeks. During that time I would like as many of you as possible to go read the thread and then come back here to share your thoughts and make some comments/suggestions to the authors.

When the two weeks are up, a rubric shall be posted sometime afterwards. Not only will rewards be given to the writers, but also to those who post a meaniful contribution.

So what are you waiting for? Go get started!

To See What You've Got. (http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=20969)

[Zook Murnig]

I'm going to do this the best way I know how, and the only way I can manage to organize my thoughts on a thread. Bear in mind that this is not an official judgment, and only standing judges can be looked to for official judgment.

STORY ~ 11/30

Continuity ~ 3/10 I don't know what led up to this. I don't know what the war Sei referred to in the last post is, and he only mentioned it there. I don't know who Zander is. I'm not familiar with Jensen Ambrose, and I don't know why Sei would want to keep Kyla from him. The bandits seemed to come from nowhere. Try to explain things a little more, and work those explanations into the writing.
Setting ~ 5/10 I was told what the places looked like, but only in the most general terms. Show, don't tell. Imagery, personification, metaphor. Those are all good devices for describing a place. And don't forget to work in your description of your own character (I have no idea what anyone looks like).
Pacing ~ 3/10 This thread didn't drag on, but there again it did not have any particular pacing at all. It just plodded along until the fight, which was rushed through to get to the finish. There was no rising tension near the climax. There was no real resolution. It just ended.

CHARACTER ~ 8/30

Dialogue ~ 2/10 Not much dialogue in this thread, at least until the bandits showed up. What was there was trite or needless. I felt like the author was making the characters say what the author felt needed to be said, rather than that the characters were speaking their own minds.
Action ~ 2/10 You told me what you did. You didn't show me what you did, however, or how you did it. Frequently you would say "it took X amount of time" and that would be it. Kyla ran for fifteen minutes to find the canyon, and she wasn't even breathing hard. Sei flew down the canyon TWICE with human loads, and never was the strain of carrying another body mentioned. Nor was the fantastic feeling of flight brought up at all, except a passing mention of weightlessness. When the claws punched through Janie's abdomen, there was no mention of the squelching as bowels were exposed to the air, or the warmth of blood flowing over Kyla's hand. When Sei's wings grew, I was told that they did, but it wasn't explained how. Do his clothes have holes in them for the wings to sprout from, or tears from where they didn't? See Setting for more on this.
Persona ~ 4/10 I got almost no feel for any of your characters, particularly Sei. He was just stoically there. Anita resents Kyla at times, but other than that, nothing. Kyla provided the most of this, for me. I know that she has an independent streak, and, apparently, a wish to streak and a healthy imagination. Your description of the setting or actions through your character's eyes can help here, too.

WRITING STYLE ~ 17/30

Technique ~ 4/10 I never really got any technique from this. You didn't fail at any attempts, but that's simply for lack of trying. Take risks in your writing. Make mistakes. If you don't take the risks, then you won't have the chance to improve and tell amazing stories with the skill I know you both can bring to bear.
Mechanics ~ 5/10 There were a few mistakes, but mostly your mechanics were sound. However, as with Technique, you took no real risks with your writing. In particular, however, Sei, watch that shift key at the beginning of sentences, especially when they begin with "it." As well, plurals don't get an apostrophe.
Clarity ~ 8/10 Everything was clear. But that was, again, because you took no real risks with your writing.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 4/10 This could have been a really good story, if it hadn't been rushed through, and if more had been put into it. I know you both can do much better, and I expect that from you. In all, I have to say that this was an easier read for me than Inside the Fire.

TOTAL ~ 40

If you have any further questions, you both know you can catch me in the chat, and my AIM SN is SuperSonicMatt1.

[Hysteria]

When I first read the thread I got to the point where Sei thought about not having to answer the Ixian Knights questions and imagined Talen teleporting in to ask if there was anymore soap because Jensen had used it all. Little did I know Talen was going to make a cameo later ;)

Just some brief notes:

The start of the story was a bit confusing, Amber said that a day came and went in her first post, but Sei seemed to just be on the first day. The more I read it the more confused the starting timeline was. However, as soon as the characters met up it was fine.

Story:
Interesting, very short in terms of actal happenings, but I got the sense of a much wider story and that story was explained quite well. I found that the story was negativly effected by not explained the age of Kyla and Anita. Both acted younger than they (at least Kyla) were.

I thought it was good the way Sei brought Talen in to tie up the story, although how Talen got the bandits (or just the bandit chick) to the cave from the Outlands was beyond me.

One thing that bothered me after finishing was that there was no explanation as to why they found the zodiac weapon. Did it call to them? Were their plans for a get away sublety altered by a third party? Or was it just 'meant to be'?

Characters:
I felt as if the thread only scratched the surface of Kyla, Sei and Anita. Kyla is sheltered, but had a mixed life, Sei doting and passive and Anita is a a bit of a crybaby but its just a phase. All three also care about each other. After what was supposed to be a big event for Kyla the thread just stopped, there was no 'omg I am becoming a monster' or resolution to that event.

Descriptions:
Sei did alright with some mentions of more than just the sight, but Amber was more inwardly focused on the feelings of her character (not bad, just her style) which made it a bit less of the 'world' and more of the 'character' if you know what I mean. Both could probably improve on this.

Writing Style:
Solid base from both writers, but I didn't sit there and get a 'wow' at anypoint. I think some of the actions could have been re-phrased to be more impressive too.

"Sei's head impacted against the bandits with a spray of blood."

Just some more flare to the actions like that.

Overall:
I liked the story and characters, but it was too brief to be really good. If the story was revealed slower it may have helped.

[Taskmienster]

I will be judging this tomorrow! Any last minute commentary for the writer would be appreciated before this time tomorrow night!

[Taskmienster]

To See What You’ve Got ::

Taking this off Z-man’s hands for him. If you have questions, comments, concerns feel free to PM or IM me.

Story 13/30

:: Honestly, no clue what was going on in this thread most of the time. Bandits hiding in caves that you had to fly to, which were in a large cavern, but minutes away from where you landed randomly on a small land unidentified.

Character 16/30

Writing Style 12/30

:: A couple missing punctuations here and there, a period in the second full paragraph of the first post and some comma’s at times.

Wild Card 4

Score 45

Rewards

Silence Sei :: 1750 exp |100 gold

Amber Eyes :: 875 exp | 0 gold
((You receive a small band (5 people) following you, but the gun was lost so nobody has one in your group. The zodiac weapon is approved with following stipulations: material is excellent steel weapon, does not level up material with your own updates just what powers it may possess and only at the approval of the RoG.))

WW Rewards

Zook :: 250 exp | 150 gold for being top contributor

Hysteria :: 200 exp | 50 gold

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.