Meeting of the Shadows

[Troubled-Crow]

(Closed to Hysteria)
The end of the day closed in on the place of Dansdel, known only as The Grouch. It had gained it's rather ugly name from the large man-face rock protuding from the foot of the cliff on the right hand side, which looked suspicously like an old man, scowling. The other side was a river, deep down in a trench.
Warren was expecting someone. He had challeneged a young boy by the name of Talen to a duel at this spot. The boy had happily, and in Warren's opinion, foolishly, agreed to the challenge, and now Warren waited, twirling a knife in his hand. Med stood behind him, also waiting patiently for his master's opponent. Med's sense of logic in competitiveness was second to none, and he knew Warren was way over his head here in some fronts, such as Necromancy, but Warren had six arm's, and a sight which did not rely on brightness. Med didn't no who would stand victorious near the end.
And so, they waited.

[Hysteria]

Talen had received an unusual request. A challenged had been issued for the little warrior to meet a certain Warren Cain in the Dansdel. The young shadow warrior would have dismissed the challenge, were it not for a similar trait shared between the two, they both could control the shadows. The youth found the chance to fight one with similar powers to himself irresistible.

The youth was fairly average looking. He had short black and messy hair and an unusually cold look on his face. His skin was pale, more than just someone who stayed inside, his skin was like ivory. At his waist he carried two swords and on his body he had hidden a variety of different items amid his black cloths.

The youth slowly walked into the clearing with his left hand resting on his sword hilt. The youth walked confidently and a smile spread across his face. With a swish of his hand he spoke to Warren.

“Warren huh?” Asked Talen, “Well arn't you a tall one.”

Talen looked at the massive man and his smile grew.

“Well then Mr Hightower, how about you make a move?”

Talen crouched low in a cat-like position and gripped his sword hilt.

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren smiled as the boy finally came into my sights. Quite small, really. He looked like a street kid, but the swords at his waist proved his worth. Truly, this would be quite intresting. "Are you really sure about this?" Med asked nervously.
"Med, shut up and let me fight this guy. Look. He's puny. Not as if he's any competition." Warren replied angrily. Why did Med have to be so protective around him? He was like a really small, green eyed mother!
"Be reminded you yourself are as thin as a ra-"
Med stopped himself, under one of Warren's winning glares.
"Good luck, Warren." Med said, defeat in his voice.
"Won't need it." Warren replied arrogantly. He smiled at the young boy as he approached.
He unsheathed 5 more knives from his overcoat, and waited for a speech of some kind.




And when it came, Warren laughed. "At least I can look down on insects." I retorted, before stepping forward once.

"Very well, I will."
And with that, Warren lunged forward, four of his knives pointing outwards, the remaining two in a defensive position. All for aimed at the corners of the small boy's torso.

[Hysteria]

Talen swallowed his apprehension as his opponent drew his weapons. The youth watched and waited. The fight started with a lunge of sorts and Talen dove to his right. The smell of grass weaved its way around the youth as he rolled and crushed the green plant underneath his back and came up back onto his feet. The youth's right hand flashed across his body and he drew his katana, but instead of retaliating the youth jumped back a step and pointed his hands towards the giant.

A swirl of shadows materialised at the youths hands and he pointed it directly at Warren. The darkness in an instant solidified the more volatile shadow energy and sprayed towards Talen's opponent in an oily liquid. The youth's right arm moved across to the jet of liquid and still with sword in hand Talen flicked his wrist. The small device on his wrist clicked at it was activated and released a single bright spark into the stream. The effect was instant as the liquid caught alight and flames spread across the liquid.

Talen closed his hand as the liquid finished and grabbed his sword with both hands. The little warrior knew that the liquid burned too quickly to do anything more than superficial damage, but then sometimes that was enough. The youth stepped backwards again to give himself more room and held his sword in front of him. Above his head a black flower faded into existence. The dark petals slowly started to bloom and Talen smiled.

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren was surprised at the small dodging maneuver, and yet more surprised at the black liquid.
And then he started to burn.
Hot spikes of pain were pricked on his skin, hundreds of needles inserting gently, and twisting in an endless ricochet of pain, like an echo in a great corridor. The flames covered his eyes, and in a soundless scream, Warren's senses flared. His father had always taught him to react moreso to danger, instead of preperation, and as the fire burned down, already Warren's hands were shaking with strength. He closed his eyes, and tendons began to poke out from under his skin.

Darkness filled his mind, and slowly it creeped into his hands. With a roar, he released the shadows straight into his opponent's eyes, which would cover the youth's sight with an opaque darkness. He snarled as he breathed heavily, and prepared yet another shadow trick of his. Shadow cloaked his body as he stepped towards the boy, and stopped. The Shadow-Warren walked forwards, and slashed the harmless copy of Warren's daggers straight towards Talen's flesh.

[Hysteria]

The youth gripped his sword tighter as the giant burned, he was a little surprised that Warren had been hit by the liquid, it was the first time he had scored a direct hit with the improvised flame thrower. The little warriors revelry was quickly ended when the ball of darkness blinded him. The youth stumbled backwards with his sword wavering in front of him to ward of the attack he thought was coming, but none came. Talen ripped off the dark illusion and was suddenly face to face with Warren. The youth slashed his sword upwards, but it met no resistance as it passed through the shadow copy.

“Illusions...” Muttered Talen, “Don't win the battle by themselves!”

The youth ran to the side, circling the large opponent. The youth's legs skidded to a halt only after a few metres and he lifted his free left hand above him. A small black ball formed and started to change it shape, growing into a black flower that instantly started to bloom.

Talen's free hand gripped his other sword and drew it quickly. With both his swords in hand the youth's eyes narrowed and he ran directly towards the real Warren. Before reaching him the boy leapt into the air and slashed downwards hard with the Katana in his right hand with his left hand trailing behind him, a grunt of force escaped the youth's mouth as he swung.

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren had expected this. In truth, he was slightly surprised that Talen had not seen that the shadow tricks were only a diversion to recover from the small burns, and he was filled with courage when success came.
"Oh I know. However, neither does panic, or brute strength." Warren replied calmly to the youth's last statement
He watched the young shadowmancer circle him carefully, and finally unge at him with the Katana. Warren was ready.

Quickly, he half turned to be face to face with the boy. Four of his arms crisscrossed, catching the great sword as it came down. The other two arms slashed the final knives in a pincer movement towards Talen's waist. He twisted violentley to the right, moving the Katana out of the way, whilst bring up a leg around young Talen's, and speeding the right handed knife towards the boy's waist.

[Hysteria]

Talen’s sword smashed against the four daggers and the area rang with sound of metal on metal. The youth’s feet crushed grass as he landed and already he was pulling his left arm across his body. His smaller wakizashi rang out as he caught one of Warren’s attacks but the little warrior was struggling to keep up with the larger; there were simply too many hands. A dagger slid past Talen’s stomach as the boy tried to twist out of the way and cut into his side. The youth pushed his swords against Warren’s daggers and disengaged.

The youth wrapped his arm around his side as he backed away from the giant opponent. A deep red blood seeped through his cloths from the cut and the youth winced against the pain as he move. The wound was shallow, but the boy was not used to such pain.

I should have worked on some better projectile spells… thought Talen acidly.

“Come on Hightower, your turn to attack.” The youth clenched his teeth through the pain and lifted both swords on in front of him.

The two floating flowers spaced out on either side of the fighting pair continued to slowly bloom. The large black petals opened just as the youth’s plan unfolded.

[Troubled-Crow]

I just read your Character profile. I am now slightly worried about these flowers :p

Warren smiled at his success, glancing down at the wound in Talen's side, the red blood entering pleasantly and proudly through Warren's mind. He looked up as Talen commented, and only noticed the flowers either side of the pair for a second, before ignoring them.
"Very well, youth."
Warren walked forwards, and went on full offensive; bringing the two same arms around in the pincer movement as before, and striking down with the other four, to make an arc shape with his hands, pointing threateningly accuratley to the area around the boy's heart. He planned on cutting all the arteries off from the vital organ; moderatley slow, and painful, eventually leading to death. Warren knew what he was doing, and he knew all of them had to hit for it to count.

Warren stared straight into his opponent's eyes, his blind, emotionless holes of the void staring into the human eyes. He didn't see anything. The boy was hard to read, and Warren doubted he had been young just the once. No child could hold their emotions like that. He stopped staring, and looked down at his target, just as the knives came blisteringly close to target range.

[Hysteria]

Breath...

Talen took and intake of breath as his eyes focused on Warren's movments. Time seemed to slow as the youth focused for the right moment to act. He lifted his swords in an X shape across his body and touched the blades against his shoulders.

Wait...

The youth paused as his opponent attacked. In a second the little warrior reacted and stepped forwards into the attack. The magic of his blades kicked into effect and transferred their energy into the shadows they cast onto the boy. The lines of darkness lifted and solidified into two black snakes. The reptiles slithered up Talen's shoulders as the boy continued forwards and stepped through Warren's attack. The youth twisted on the spot so his back was pressed against the giant's chest.

A clang rang through the arena again as Talen's swords caught the daggers in the same X pattern as before. The youth's hands shook as he held off the attack and his head twisted to glance up at his opponent, a triumphant smile was on his face as the two snakes on his shoulders recoiled and struck.

Snakes more of a nuisance, not poisonous. ;)

[Troubled-Crow]

There were many things that Warren had expected to happen. Maybe for the young lad to run away from the attack. Maybe to defend in the general way, take a few hits to save his life. Maybe even just die.
This was not an option Warren had expected, and a spark of surprise lit a flame of awareness in Warren's mind.
He simply watched as his arms swung, and the youth turned, and the snakes that had formed out of the shadows sat on the boy's shoulders, like dark guardians. The reptiles had been made of the shadows, and this intimidated Warren. He hadn't known the boy was so good at his art, and had expected something lesser, and now he knew what he was up against. A true shadowmancer. The puppeteer of the darkness. Jealously ran through his blood, and as the boy turned into his chest, and deflected all six strikes, smiling up at him, Warren sent him a little dose of 10-year pent up anger and horror of seeing dead bodies sat in front of him, motionless by his own hands. He showed the monster inside, the great, blood-ravenous beast, ready for the next kill.
The snakes struck Warren's shoulders with force, and he hissed and stood back, recoiling his arms from attacking the boy. Anger filled him, and he roared as darkness once more absorbed into his hands. Warren was smart, and had learnt his shadowmancing well, and well enough to defeat this child. He absorbed the shadow from these two forms that attacked him, sending waves of pain through his system, and watched as they diminished, and eventually, become mere worms, maggots to what they were. Warren smiled, a hysterical smile, smiled only by the victims of Dementia, and sent the excess energy in his hands, straight towards Talen's eyes, to blind him once more. He stepped forward, his arms coming upwards, wincing his pain as his first tier's muscles panged from the recent bites. The other two went straight up, as the upper ones pointed forward. Warren, once more, was ready.
He flipped, and flew head first towards the earth, briefly, his eyes uptilted in mischief as his hair flew down and up, gravity confused on it's direction. The third tier's knives sunk in the ground with a thunk and Warren continued, falling towards the ground. The second tier came into contact, a similar thunk, and finally Warren's knees bent, sending his feet straight towards Talen. Warren smiled joyously as his feet came crashing down towards the youth's face, ready for the next step in his ploy.

[Hysteria]

Darkness filled Talen's vision for the second time in the fight and the youth reacted quickly. His hand, with sword in grasp, lifted to his face and he grasp the shadows with his own magic and pulled them aside. As his vision suddenly returned he saw his giant opponent in an extremely acrobatic attack. For a second the youth could not actually work out what was happening with the alien appearance of the creature baffling.

As soon as Talen realised what was happening he brought his hands together quickly. A twang of pain down his side reminded him of the cut that had been scored against him. Just in front of the youth's hands a dark point of energy formed as the shadows from everywhere around the fighters moved from their spots and spiralled inwards. The experience of many fights told Talen that the best defence was a good offence and he was putting it into practice here. The opponents kick came in and Talen slid his hands across each other so that his arms took the brunt of the force.

The hit was brutally strong and Talen found himself falling backwards despite blocking it. He hit the ground with a thud and once his head caught up with his body and he realised what had happened. He was privately gratefully that the arena was covered in soft grass. The ball of darkness Talen had created reached the right mass and it suddenly split. Lines of shadows spread out and around Warren forming a cage. Talen propped himself up and focus on the immaterial darkness. The secret for Talen's magic was understanding the veil, the thin line that separated the physical world with the shadow realm. By pulling darkness from its normal place on the other side of the veil, Talen could give shadows a physical presence. From the side closest to Talen the shadows started to solidify into a shiny black metal-like substance.

The youth pushed himself to his feet and lifted his hand into the air. A small ball of shadows lifted out of Talen's palm and twisted into the shape of a dark rose. The youth lowered his hand and pushed the tip of his sword into the ground and lent against it, his side hurt and he was breathing quickly. The battle had seen more of Talen's spells than any other and privately the youth knew he was showing off to the fellow shadow user.

The cage will take time to form if you want to escape, or feel free to destroy it somehow :)

[Troubled-Crow]

As Warren crashed down, his feet coming to the ground, he realised he had scored little damage but had caused the youth to fall over; and then saw that he had took no damage, at all. "Damn this place and it's easy terrain!" Warren thought angrily, and he took a step backwards, in caution. He knew the youth was little, but from what he'd seen, and felt, already, he knew he was good in both his shadowmancy, and his swordsmanship.

When Warren did stand back, huffing down oxygen from his acrobatic show, he hadn't thought he would meet resistance. He looked down to see a shadow curling around his foot, almost a root from a tall pillar of darkness that stood behind him, which was... solidifying?!
"This is great magic, young one." Warren praised. For the first time in two months, if Warren recalled rightly. The last time he had lied.
Warren saw he could get out. The resistance was resistance, but then treacle had resistance also. And at the moment, that's what it felt like. He pushed back on the pillar, and eventually, he came out behind it; his arms and back covered in solifying black shadow.

Warren paniced. He wasn't used to this. He saw the treacle like substance was turning into half foot spikes on his arms, and when he saw this, his brain clicked, like a lightbulb turning on. He waved his hand slightly, and concluded it had solidified; into several sharp spikes. Warren chuckled lowly, before bieng interrupted by searing pain. He roared as the shadow on his back dug in, spiking him. He weilded a knife in both hands- awkwardly, due to his newly found weapon, which he couldn't exactly sheath -And stabbed into the lump of shadow on his back, sawing it off, whilst backing away from his foe.

[Hysteria]

The youth's face twisted with annoyance as his spell went awry. The first emotion that the youth didn't try and suppress was matched with the thoughts I need more practice. The event flicked a switch in Talen's mind. He was aware that if he didn't take his gargantuan opponent seriously he could lose. The realisation caused Talen to slowly step backwards from Warren. The youth's trap was ready and he didn't want to play any more.

“This is called The Dance of the Shadow Petals; Shadow Garden.” Talen spoke with a cold serious voice and his face had reverted to a passive half-smile, “It was a good fight, but I wish to end this now.”

Talen didn't move from his position, but his eyes hardened on Warren. The three flowers placed around his opponent burst open and the dark petals that had bloomed spread into the air and quickly twisted through the air around the giant. The dark shapes created a swirling cloud of twenty two deadly projectiles.

“The Seeds of Destruction were planted soon after I entered the battle.” Talen almost mumbled the words as his left hand moved to the cut on his side and hovered over wound protectivly.

With deadly force the petals twirled through the air and curved inwards like a whirlwind towards Warren. Each of the petals was in itself enough to seriously injure a man, the youth wasn't sure exactly what would happen when this many were shot at someone, but he expected a bloody mess.

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren looked around him, at the shiny black petals. The glint ine each one symbolised, in his own mind, the pain of each moment in his life. Each one mirrored his face, and each one mirrored a death Warren had commited. The emotion kicked him in the stomach with a force, and in spite, Warren tried to ignore it.
"You think your petty saplings can hurt me?" Warren laughed. He splayed his arms, standing up straight. The solid shadow on his back cracked as it's mold was defied against, and the top part fell off, mostly freeing Warren from it's constrictions. Confidence swelling through his veins, and ice filling his blood, he took a shaky step forward.
The cutting pain of the leaves stung Warren like a hot poker. Scalding him with an intense inferno on his left forarm. Blood dribbled lazily out, and the smell of iron wafted onto the young man's tounge, like a warm blade. Warren made a noise like a constricted stream and a hiss, as his sight went white at the edges.
"I... have killed... 56 and 1/2 of your kind. I can do 57." He growled weakly. He tried throwing a knife out of the spinning black vortex. The knife bounced off one of the leaves, which stabbed Warren's foot. He winced, as the pain was much underwhelmed by the one angrily throbbing in his arm. The knife span, and began making vertical 360s through the air, straight towards the little Talen's stomach, a cry of desperation, to bring the youth down to the now whimpering man's level.
In Warren's mind, it was Talen going down, or both of them.

[Hysteria]

“56 and a half.” Talen murmured.

The youth was used to more direct insults, and the implication that he was only half a person took a while to dawn on the little fighter. As soon as it did Talen's face flashed with anger. He was about to win the fight, but he was being put down regardless.

“Oh har har. Well this half a person is kicking your arse.” Retorted Talen.

The little warrior slashed his sword through the air and swatted the thrown dagger as soon as it got close. He lowered his sword slowly, the battle was nearly over, but Talen wanted his revenge at the half-a-person insult. The youth pushed the tip of his sword into the ground and left it prone. His hand lifted towards the spinning vortex of shadows.

“You're not dying fast enough.”

A pools of shadows came into existence in the palm of Talen's hand as the youth called upon the more volatile shadow energies. The shadows shot outwards in a black jet of liquid as the youth had done earlier in the fight. The spray shot up into the air, coming down towards the spinning vortex. The youth flicked his wrist and a small spark lifted out from the contraption under his hand and he moved the jet of liquid into it. Flames quickly spread across the oil as it entered the spinning vortex was caught against shadow petals creating a mixture of fire and shadows. The effect was more visual than actually damaging, but it soothed Talen's anger.

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren smiled. If his demise was coming, then in a twisting inferno was a good way to go. He could barely see the boy through the fiery blackness, a veil of pure shadow clouding his view in funnel of isolation. The intense heat of the swirling inferno made Warren's skin char and blacken, and soon, his legs and feet were covered in monotone grass, burnt by the tornado.
But his demise would not come without a fight, whether the demise was good and respectful or not.
He rose his hands, his memory flashing what he needed do; watching Talen make the shadows solid. He hoped he could do the same, just reverse it. Then all this pain that surrounded him would be mere darkness. Closing his eyes, he imagined the blackness in front of him, focusing on the great amount of shadows. The crackling was getting closer and closer, and Warren's skin began to burn. He could feel his skin become black, completley shrouding the shockingly pale complexion he was used to. He tried to concentrate hard on the shadows, willing it to melt and bend. He opened his eyes with snap of his hands, as he realised they were shaking with tension. He focused entirley on this. He could almost see the leaves shaking and quivering, and he watched as one tilted sideways, still hardened but spinning with the tension of what Warren was doing. He hummed with pain, as he watched as the closest petals began to semi-form into some kind of liquid.
It was working.

[Hysteria]

Talen sighed, his anger abated; he had nothing left to do but watch the giant. The youth wiped the sweat from his forehead and turned his eyes to the shadow petals. The attack was faltering and taking longer than normal. The youth focused on his attack, extending his power of the petals and forcing them inwards towards Warren. The attack would end any second now, but the youth began to doubt the finality of his attack. He placed his hand on his sword stuck into the ground and lowered himself slowly to the grass amid a few small stabs of pain in his side.

The youth crossed his legs and started to focus on himself, doing his best to ignore the pain. His previous spells had focused on manipulating shadows, but this one was more complex, it was to turn himself into a shadow. The youth's ability to transfer his body into shadow, travel through the veil and then back into the material realm was a very slow procedure and normally took longer than practically usable during a battle. This fight offered a unique opportunity to use the ability and he didn't waste the chance.

The ties that held the boy in the material realm were slowly loosened and distance he could travel before being rejected out of the shadow plane increased. It was slow and tedious work, but a nifty trick none the less. As his mind worked he felt a peace settle over himself. The gentle wind brushing against his cloths and through his hair and the smell of grass that had been ignored during the heat of battle returned.

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren faltered, then stopped, standing straight. He could see what was going to happen. He could see he had lost. His eyes glinted strangley, and he smiled defeatedly.
"Well done, half-one." Warren chuckled lowly at that one. "You have won."
The first layer of leaves cut into Warren's skin, and he hissed violentley as they continued. He knifed a few out of his way; off his face and chest, but he felt the ever ending flame on his legs, and his arms.
"It would seem you are superior. That is great achievement... for a human." Warren knew completeley he would get nowhere by taunting the lad, but then, he was defeated. In his book, he could say whatever he liked. After all, if not for the magic of this place, this boy would be killing him.
The second layer reached, and he knifed forwards again, saving his chest and face. His legs were teetering dangerously, only the back of his muscles gone. Finally, his threshold broke, and he began to scream in pain, kneeling to the floor, watching the higher petals pass quickly over his head, to collide and fall towards him, pricking his crown.
"One day, I will be as mightier like I am taller then you, young one. And that day will come; time is no barrier for this." Warren's voice was cracking, and the flames which covered the tornado were beginning to crack his voice. One of his arms fell off completley, and blood poured onto the already pooling collection. The flames- both physical and metaphorical -were blistering him, his skin becoming a dark red, as layers of his skin began to peel off with accelerating speed. His eyes began to dry up, and became black marbles, as his sight went out, and tears fell, only to be evaporated by the unbearable heat.
Warren was dying.
"You... your good at this..." Warren said, and finally, his arm's began to fall off one by one, chopped up further by these treacherous petals. Warren was past screaming. His voice box was gone, disintergrated completley by the flames. His right leg collapsed form under him, and he fell straight into the vortex, his face cut into ribbons of flesh.
The lights went out, and all ceased to exist.

[Hysteria]

Talen watched the horrible sight and cringed slightly. It was far worse than the youth had expected, the green grass in a wide circle sprayed red with blood and in the centre a small pile of body parts.

“Huh…”

The youth looked around and caught site of several monks walking towards the arena. A shiver ran up his spine as he watched the silent cloaked figures walk calmly up to body parts. The monks formed a circle and pressed their hands together. White light lifted from their bodies into the air and arched downwards. The body shimmered and faded in and out of sight. Slowly the form of Warren lifted back into shape and joined back together.

Right on que… freaky bastards.

The little shadow warrior didn’t trust the secretive monk order that healed the fighters in the Dansdel. Any group that hid their motives was undoubtable up to something. Talen watched as one of the monks formed a glowing white platform behind Warren and two others help lower him onto it.

One of the monks approached Talen but the youth waved him off. Talen watched them take away Warren to complete his healing. The youth smiled and continued his meditation. He knew that it wouldn't be the last time me met the giant. A few minutes past and the boy blinked out of existence. A shallow breeze flittered through the area and there was silence.

[Zerith]

Meeting of the Shadows.

Alright, sorry for the wait you guys had to put up with. So instead of wasting more time, I’m going to go straight to the categories. As always, if either of you have any questions about anything in this rubric, feel free to ask me via PM anytime.

Crow will be red, Hysteria will be blue.


STORY:

Continuity – 2/3 Crow, you mentioned that Warren challenged Talen...and that’s about it. You never mentioned why he did so or anything else that really happened in your characters life. Yes, he killed alot of people, which darker character hasn’t? Certain things reminded him of things in the past, but you never really explained the details of these events and how they fit into the story.

Hysteria, you at least had a little more explanation to why Talen got into this mess. Other than that, I never got an understanding of how this event fits into Talen’s life.

Setting -3/4 – Crow, you explained the area around the two fighters in your first post and then left the setting untouched for half the thread. Aside brief mentions of Warren digging his knives into the soil and the effect of the fiery vortex on the grass, nothing else was described in terms of the setting of the arena. Most of your effort went here when into describing the shadows, and even then it was minimal. I suggest the next time you lit a candle or something, watch how the shadows of objects move. Perhaps you could use it to help your writing.

Hysteria, I’m giving you the edge here because you added the smell and feel of the grass, and also gave texture and appearance to some of the shadows Talen used like the liquid and the cage. You didn’t really have much to work with when he came to the arena, I understand that. I just think if you took the time to think about things, you could have done better here.

Pacing – 2/3 – I will admit that while I read this, I couldn’t quite see what the intent of the story was. Crow, I really didn’t see what you wanted Warren to achieve here, did you want to show the reader just how cold your character was, or did you just want to keep the tension high throughout this battle? Whatever the answer was, I couldn’t see it. From Hysteria, I got the feeling like he had planned for this encounter to help boost Talen’s shadowmancy capabilities. Other than that though, I didn’t get anything else from it. If you weren’t communicating via PM, AIM, MSN or even Skype while writing this, I suggest you try it next time. This way you guys can figure out what you intend to do with the story and what would be the best way to go about it.


Total Story Score – 7/10


CHARACTER:

Dialogue - 4/5 - The dialogue in the thread was believable for the most part, with exceptions being the lines Warren says as he’s screaming in pain in the flaming vortex, when Warren compliments Talen on his magic and when Talen unleashes his flower power. Sometimes it’s worth the spare moment or two to just sit back and ask yourself What would be a realistic thing for *insert character name here* to say? Yeah, we all want our characters to say those lines that make them sound badass or wise and mysterious, but good dialogue is all about making the things the character says illustrate the characters. Sometimes, this is achieved by not having your character say much at all and just scream in pain as they're burned alive and cut to ribbons by flower petals.

Action – 3/5 - Talen is a very strange kid with his mediating and fighting freakishly tall people, but it’s something people have just come to expect. So for the most part the actions Talen took fit the character, but there wasn’t really anything that jumped out and said, “Now that’s Talen’s style.” So all in all, you did fairly average here, Hysteria.

Warren on the other hand, has labelled his occupation as a mercenary and a cut-throat. One would think someone like that wouldn’t have to feel ‘professional’ while trying to kill a kid. Warren is supposed to be deceitful, and not quite capable of understanding what it means to be ‘good’. Yet he compliments Talen’s ability and seems almost polite to the kid? Try to remember that action isn’t always about pulling of acrobatic feats that would make Olympians jealous, it’s about doing things that fit the character.

Persona – 4/4 – You guy did fairly even here, but you managed to portray the emotions of Warren and Talen fairly decently. I would have liked to see Talen be a little hesitant about taking on a giant, and Warren’s confidence seemed justified for the most part. I personally thing you both could have done better with this though. Hysteria, remember that Talen is still 13, and although he acts beyond his age, he may not be able to always identify his emotions. While Warren on the other hand should be permitted to go into a rage of his wants to. When he’s angry at something, he shouldn’t really remember a past experience so easily.


Total Character Score – 11/14


WRITING STYLE:

Mechanics – 2/5 – Crow, this is where you really stumbled. Not only did you have many spelling errors and a few fragments, but you even switched from a third person to a first person perspective a few times in the initial posts. If you’re not using a Word Document already, I suggest doing so. I’ll also make the same suggestion I’ve made to others recently and say that you should see if you can find someone to proofread your work, as it really helps. I also suggest you try to space your paragraphs a little differently, it made your posts a little hard to read at times.

Not much can be said about you, Hysteria. There were a few errors (like ‘grasp’ when it should have been ‘grasped’) but nothing that can be avoided if you take the same suggestions I’ve offered to crow.

Technique – 5/5 – Again, there really isn’t much here to comment on. Hysteria did some foreshadowing with the flowers, while Crow used more similes when describing like the shadows and the pain Warren experienced. While it made the thread certainly stand out a little, I didn’t feel like it was quite enough to make it great.

Clarity – 3/5 – Crow, some of the actions you wrote were very difficult to understand (like the flipping and kick) and even as I’m writing this I’m wondering what the hell happened to Mel. Did he just disappear when the battle started? Things like these make it difficult to read your posts. Some things didn’t really seem to flow nicely into the other. It was very stop and go with you.

Hysteria, though a lot of your posts were clear, they were very direct with what was said. It was like, “This happened, then this happened and then this happened.” So while your actions were nice and understandable, the sentences didn’t really flow into each other. I know it’s harder than I’m probably making it sound to be, but I strongly encourage you to try and make things sound like they run smoothly. Try reading it out loud to yourself if necessary.


Total Writing Style Score – 10/15

Wild Card - 4/4 – I will not lie, I think both of you could have done better with this thread. Yet despite that, the battle was still an interesting one to read. Perhaps Warren will learn from this experience and be prepared for another encounter?


FINAL SCORE – 32/43!!

Hysteria wins!


Rewards:

Hysteria receives 1188 EXP and 129 GP!!
Troubled-Crow receives 250 EXP and 96 GP!!