You again?

[Amber Eyes]

This thread contains sexual content.

She stretched her left arm before laying it lazily across his chest. She pulled herself closer to him and pressed her lips on his neck gently. Her left leg lay across his thighs and she snuggled closer when he ignored her kiss. “Baby, wake up.” Her whisper sent vibrations to his ear followed quickly by a nibble on his lobe. The man grunted and turned his head away in an attempt to reach his deep slumber again. It would seem she had lost the game until she felt a tale-tell sign of his awareness against her left knee. “Baby?” She again whispered, brushing the back of her hand against his face. His nose scrunched slightly at the new sensation and the form against her knee stiffened further. The young woman smiled playfully as she pushed herself up to her knees and moved her leg over his. She sat up for a moment on top of him, taking in his rugged features in the moonlight before she leaned in and kissed his lips.

He sleepily returned the kiss before opening his eyes for a moment. Before she could speak they were closed again and his breathing returned to its rhythmic pattern. The girl furrowed her brow, a bit irritated with his reluctance to wake up. “Fine then, have it your way,” She whispered before giving him a final kiss on the cheek and returning to her own side of the bed. She lay on her left side facing the wall and he turned to hold her close. She began to drift off, the worries of the day filling her thoughts. His hand caressed her stomach and her eyes opened. A kiss to the center of her spine sent chills through her as his hand worked its way towards her chest. His lips caressed the back of her neck and his fingers reached their mark, she was his again.

[Amber Eyes]

The young girl woke to an empty bed. A smile reached her lips as she took in the state of the room, the sheet twisted tightly around her legs and un-tucked at the bottom corner. The lamp that had once adorned the bedside table lay on the floor in pieces and hole that was unmistakably a size 9 high heel shoe print graced the wall behind the headboard. A yawn rose from within and she stretched before placing a pillow over her head and attempting to regain her wonderful dreams about the previous evening. Her eyes drifted shut and her breathing reached a steady rhythm as a loud knock on the door pulled the warmth of a kiss from her once again. The young girl reached to the side of the bed, feeling the ground for her clothing before noticing her pants lying halfway across the room. A giggle nearly escaped her as she remembered how they got there. She shook the sleepiness from her head and realizing she had no time to do anything else as a second knock and a female voice reached her ears, simply pulled the covers to her chin before she spoke, "Come in."

[Amber Eyes]

The door creaked slightly as it opened, revealing a small girl who looked to be about twelve. Her long brown hair was tied in a braid that was wrapped into a tight bun, a tight smile was glued on her face and the dark spots below her eyes belonged to a much older woman. She was dressed neatly in a long dress with light blue flowers standing against the gold material. She averted her eyes when she became aware of the woman's lack of dress and sat the tray she carried on the dresser next to the bed.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Her voice came out barely a squeak.

“It’s no problem,” her own smile grew a bit as she looked at the girl’s large brown eyes, “Its afternoon at this point anyway.” Another yawn made its way through the girl and the younger quickly moved to leave the room after realizing that she had been staring.

“Let me know if you need anything miss.” She didn't look her in the eye as she spoke.

The smell of the food came to the forefront of her mind and she allowed the blanket to fall as she reached for the tray. Several items covered the plate and she realized that he would have no idea what she liked to eat and so must have ordered one of everything for her. She grabbed a bowl of fruit and began to eat the perfectly ripe strawberries, lounging in the bed.

“This is how life should be.” She smiled and lay her head back imagining the rest of her days spent like this.

“Indeed it is.” The deep voice caused her to sit up immediately, “Though I’m not sure my heart can handle coming in to my topless girlfriend eating strawberries in my bed every afternoon. You will surely cause me a heart attack one of these days. “

A gently kiss cut off whatever words the girl might have spoken, and her own heart raced as though to prove his point.

[Amber Eyes]

Days passed with little excitement. The girl spent her days lounging around and playing cards with Ant'ia, the sweet maid she met weeks before. The two became friends quickly, with the younger girl telling the elder of her days spent in town and of her large family. One such day the girl's past became the topic of discussion.

"How can you be okay with not knowing who you are?" The small girl furrowed her brow as she looked up, tucking her right foot under her.

Without realizing it the mystic copied the girl's stance, her eyes on her hands. "I just don't remember. Nathan is trying to help me with that. I'm not okay with it, I just don't know what else to do." Her sentences broke off, each followed quickly like they were from separate conversations. The woman brought her hands to her face and wiped the tears that were developing there before they could fall. "I'm sure we'll figure it out. I need to get dressed, same time tomorrow?" Her voice was chipper, brave. It was the exact opposite of what she felt inside. She made her way to her dresser and began to search the top drawer for undergarments, her white silk shirt coming up just a bit above her navel.

Ant'ia watched her carefully as she moved; biting back the words she wanted to say. When the elder girl crossed the room, the little girl tried to imagine what type of place she truly belonged in. When she lifted her arms a small while line etched in her skin near her hip caught the younger girls eye.

"Do you have any kids?" The girl asked sheepishly.

"Ant'ia, we just discussed this, I don't remember any..." And then, like lighting, a picture of an infant filled her mind. Before she could memorize its features it was gone, just like everything else.

[Amber Eyes]

Dark clouds filled her dreams, infants cried loudly each time she drifted, and a beautiful girl in a blue dress beckoned her into a cavern in a strange land. The girl woke with a start to a cold hand pressed against her spine.

“Thaynes you scared me!” She whispered the words as he kissed her gently on the forehead and rubbed her right shoulder before curling up behind her and pulling her close. “Did you find anything?” She turned her top half to look into his eyes, noticing the flash of indecision there before he answered.

“Not yet love, but I’ve got a few leads and I promise we’ll figure it out soon.” She turned the rest of her towards him, laying her head on his pillow instead of her own and placing her hand on his side. She looked into his eyes and smiled.

“Maybe I could help? I know you worry about me leaving but today I think I might have had a memory, just for a second, but at least its something. Maybe something familiar would help. I might just find that out there somewhere.”

As always when she asked, he sighed deeply. “I just don’t want to take the chance. These are dangerous times and until we know you aren’t wanted we don’t want to risk you leaving this room. I love you, do you believe that?”

The young girl smiled at his admission and question, “Of course I do, I love you too.”

“Then trust me little one, trust me.” She kissed him lightly on the lips, savoring the masculine flavor as she turned her back and allowed herself to melt into his embrace.

When she closed her eyes a distant voice filled her mind. “My little one, My Kylana.” In the morning the word would be gone, but for that moment it was enough to soothe her into a peaceful sleep.

[Amber Eyes]

A gentle kiss pulled her from her slumber though she kept her eyes sealed until the wooden door closed with a soft click. She listened to his footsteps creaking on the stairwell before she allowed herself to climb from the bed and quickly dress in one of the two outfits she owned. It was a bit formal for a day about town but she had few options and a new outfit would draw unwanted attention from him.

She stood in front of the full length mirror once dressed and looked herself over. She was pretty enough, her curves were evident in the black skirt and pink blouse and she wondered what occasion she would have worn this for in her former life. Was there a man out there searching for her with a picture in his mind of her in these exact clothes? Why was she wearing such a dressy outfit in a cave in the first place? His explanation of her rescue played through her head and only now did she realize that very little of it made any sense.

Why was he walking in an abandoned cavern deep in the countryside of Radasanth? How was he drawn to her unconscious form? Why did she have no memory of anything before this room?

She pulled her shoulder length brown hair back into a ponytail and smiled at her reflection, the blue eyes that looked back at her seemed to belong to someone else and the girl wondered where the parent who gave them to her was. She bit her lip nervously and brushed a stray bang away from her eyes. Content with her appearance she made her way to the hall and shut the door quietly behind her before taking a left and trailing her arms on the smooth wood paneling that lined the walls. The dark wood felt cool upon her hand and she enjoyed the smoothness of it. She closed her eyes until a sharp pain filled her right index finger. Out of instinct she placed the splintered finger in her mouth, cursing quietly under her breath. She pulled it out to inspect the damage and a single drop of azure liquid dripped onto the white tile below. Her eyes widened as her head began to swim. “Ant’ia.” She called to words in a weak voice as she leaned against the wall.

[Amber Eyes]

Ant'ia held her older friend for a few minutes as she told the girl what little she knew about the mystic race. She spoke of someone who had once stayed at the inn who bled blue. The newfound mystic swallowed hard before allowing the younger girl to lead her out into the world.

The bright sunlight bit into her eyes after so long indoors. It hurt to look at the stone streets reflecting the rays and for a moment the mystic debated turning back. One look at the small blue scab forming on her finger and she remembered she had to push on. The two walked for what seemed like hours before stopping at a small cafe and grabbing lunch. She was looking over the menu when the waitress bounced over to the table.

"Stephanie. We haven't seen you around lately." Her green eyes shone brightly, framed by her long red hair which was curled into tight spirals. The mystic assumed she was about thirty by the slight laugh lines developing near her eyes.

'Stephanie' looked at the woman and scrunched her nose with curiosity, "Do I know you?" Her voice came out forced, as though along with her memories she had lost the ability to have a casual conversation.

"You only used to eat here every day." The waitress giggled, obviously finding the game quite fun. "Stephanie Ambrose. You have a little girl who lives in Raiaera with her uncle. I couldn't forget a story like yours if I tried."

Ant'ia raised her deep brown eyebrows as though to say, she did.

"I also couldn't forget that you love grilled chicken sandwiches and strawberry shortcake. I'll put that in for you." She turned to Ant'ia, "How about you miss?"

"I'll have the same thanks. Water to drink." The moment the waitress walked away Ant'ia smiled. "So Stephanie? Still worried about not figuring out who you are?" She waited for the smile from her friend that never came. "This is good, really good. What's wrong?"

The mystic stared at the table for a long moment before she finally met the girl's eyes. "I suppose I thought the moment I heard something it would all come back. Stephanie Ambrose?" Her nose scrunched at the sound. "I don't even like my name."

[Amber Eyes]

She had been gone three days. Each time he entered the small hotel room his heart fluttered in anticipation that she might have made her way back to him. The scent of her skin still lingered in the sheets and he swore he saw her shadow pass the bathroom door in the first few groggy moments each morning. She had traveled before, but who was she going to now? She new nothing of her past life, surely something must have happened to her. Their first meeting played before his eyes as he walked down the busy street.

"Sir, you need to come quickly! There is a girl on the roof!" A boy screamed from the hospital entryway. "I think she's going to jump!" He was gone in a moment and the Doctor quickly followed him up several steep flights of stairs, running out of breath as he reached the seventh floor. He pushed open the door leading to the roof landing and nearly spilled onto the rough concrete. There she stood, a small silver dagger in her right hand, peering over the edge.

"Ma'am. What are you doing up here?" He spoke as calmly as he could as he tried to regain his breath.

She did not turn, seemingly unaffected by his presence. "Did you know that there are millions of people down there?" When she spoke he gave a sigh of relief, perhaps he could do some good here.

He took a few steps closer, carefully eyeing the small blade. "I did, actually." His voice was that you used with a frightened animal, almost pleading.

"Did you know that almost all of those people have had their lives ripped apart at one point or another?" She turned then, just enough to see his eyes.

That was the moment he knew he could not let her die. Her dark hair framed her round face, she bit her bottom lip as though trying to figure out a way to save everyone, but what drew him in most were her eyes. Those big, bright, blue eyes that seemed so hurt. He wanted to take care of her from that moment on. He had to look down to enable himself to speak, but she continued before he could think of what to say.

"Did you know that many of them had their lives ripped apart by me?" A single tear ran down her cheek, but she made no effort to wipe it away.

He took a few most steps until he was standing next to her on the edge of the roof, watching the people walking by. A small child toddled behind his mother, carrying a flower. A group of young girls huddled together on the corner, probably discussing class assignments or cute boys. An elderly couple held hands as the made their way slowly from on shop to another. The young doctor began to move his left hand slowly towards the blade, hoping to keep his movement hidden from her sight. "What is your name?"

The girl seemed to think on the question for a moment, then she calmly responded. "Stephanie Ambrose."

The second the words left her lips she pulled the blade up to her throat and sliced it through her own skin. Blood flowed from the open wound and she fell, eyes still open in shock. A gurgling sound escaped her lips. The man reached for her, taking her into his arms as his coat turned blue with her blood. His eyes filled with tears as he screamed. "I need help up here! Someone help me please!"

[Amber Eyes]

'Stephanie' walked slowly through the streets of Radasanth, looking for anything that might give her a clue that she belonged here. Each time someone would make eye contact her heartbeat would speed up and she would imagine them grabbing her and never letting go. She found a small hotel room, quickly calculating that with the money she stole from Nathan would give her exactly five nights hotel stay if she could keep her meals cheap.

The room consisted of a single bed, some generic paintings on the chipping gray walls and a small bathroom that needed a fine cleaning. The drapes were pulled back, something the girl took care of rather quickly. When they closed a small cloud of dust filled the air.

She placed her single bag on the bed and took a long shower, for the first time missing the man she had spent so much time with. Sure he had kept her in the room all day, but he was the only person save An'tia she had spoken with. He knew her better than anyone and leaving both of them behind was like giving up the only life she had ever known. She toweled off, wrapping her hair tightly in a bun, and sunk into her covers. She rolled over, hoping to feel his arms pull her close, but of course they never came. She was alone.

[Amber Eyes]

Doctor Nathan Jameson sat by 'Stephanie's' bedside, brushing his hands against her pale cheeks. A clean bandage covered her neck, taped to both her chest and chin. He had checked her stitches an hour ago, and the risk of infection was growing slimmer by the day. Her sedatives were wearing off and if she were ever going to wake it should happen soon. She lost a lot of blood, but his actions had been quick and he thought she might just have a chance. It was his first operation on a mystic, though of course he had studied their unique blood in school. A transfusion had taken place the second day, and the donor blood quickly brought some of her color back. It was amazing to see the mystic blood 'infect' the donor, several other doctors had gathered round to watch. It was not every day an everyday doctor took care of a mystic, since typically they had their own medical staff that were more familiar with the differences in their magical bodies. Her eyes squinted as she dreamed something that was becoming more and more common each day. She seemed to be in pain and he almost called out for some painkillers when she began to mumble.

"But I love you...let's run away." Tears escaped her closed lids as she pleaded in her sleep with the unknown. Her voice was gruff, but the fact that she could speak at all was a miracle.

She tried to roll over, but was stopped by her tightly wrapped sheets, an attempt to keep her from pulling at her bandages while she slept.

Her eyes began to open and Nathan touched her gently on the chest, "It's okay." He spoke softly.

She furrowed her brow, her eyes half open, "Where's Jensen?"

Nathan could not help but feel disappointed, so she did have someone waiting for her. "Everything is going to be okay." His voice was gentle and reassuring, if a bit hurt.

She smiled slightly before falling back asleep.

[Amber Eyes]

It was a new day and Stephanie felt overwhelmed by her adventure. Of all the people in the world, how was she supposed to find who she belonged to? Nothing seemed familiar, just a blur punctuated by strangers who may or may not have looked knowingly at her as she passed. She found a small bookstore and crept inside, looking through the shelves for something to take her mind off of everything. A small woman smiled at her from behind the desk, "Can I help you find something? If we don't have it in I'll be happy to order it for you, just write your name and what you want in the book over there and I'll take care of it first thing tomorrow." The girl almost declined, but something about the smell of the books lured her in, she wanted to stay here.

"Thanks." She made her way to the small table with two chairs on either side and wrote the name of a medical book she'd seen in Nathan's hotel room. "A History of Mystic Bloodlines." She recalled the book because Nathan had scribbled furiously as he read it, circling names and dates within. He seemed frustrated as he put the book down each night.

She paused when she reached the field marked 'name'. She wrote down "Stephanie Ambrose" when and idea hit her. It was probably a silly idea, but she had to look didn't she? She turned backwards through the pages, looking for her name. Several pages back, there she was, next to her name was written "Temen-Ni-Gru". Her handwriting was much different, less neat than it used to be. It seemed a silly thing to notice, but it still bothered the young girl. She checked out a couple romance novels and thanked the young woman for her time. She stepped onto the street and after letting her eyes adjust to the bright sun she began the walk back to her hotel. She would catch a quick nap and then eat a late lunch while she tried to figure out what to do next.

She was just about to enter the hotel when she heard a girl screaming from down the street. "Kyla!"

Stephanie looked back, watching as the girl in a blue dress dragged along a younger girl, seeming very distraught. She called out the name several more times as Stephanie opened the heavy door. She stepped into the hotel and made her way towards the steps. As she entered her room she could hear the girl from the street hastily exchanging words with a desk clerk who had not been there when she passed. She heard the girl insisting that she had seen this Kyla enter the hotel and that there must be a mistake. Something about the situation scared Stephanie, who was Kyla?

[Amber Eyes]

Nathan cried as he thought about what she asked him to do. He brought her to the hotel where he was living, hoping that perhaps he could change her mind. She was getting around much better now, and only a thin white scar marked the events of several weeks earlier.

"I can't believe your asking me to do this. How can I? I'm a doctor, Stephanie, I heal people for a living."

"This is healing Nathan! I'm healing myself of all the horrible things I can't live with!" Her voice cracked as she shouted, still not quite used to the strain.

"I can't," He shook his head back and forth, his face buried in his hands. "I just can't."

"Then don't be surprised when I try again. I can't live like this!" She locked herself in the bathroom and he heard her crying through the door.

They stayed like that for hours, him refusing to take her life into his hands and her refusing to accept his decision.

It was the doctor who finally gave in. He knocked softly on the door, "How exactly does this work?"

Plans were made; trips to visit relatives were arraigned. She kept all of her preparation secret, only giving him the information he had to have. She left for several weeks and Nathan only hoped when she returned she would have changed her mind.

Time would tell that she had not.

[Silence Sei]

The girl in blue had rushed home after several minutes of attempting to get a confession out of the hotel clerk. Home, of course, was the cave located in Radasanth Park known simply as ‘Sei’s Tomb’. The cavern had gained its name from the ancestor of the famous ‘Silence’ Sei Orlouge. She had managed to bob and weave through several people within the confines of the pit, a small band of warriors Sei had been gathering known simply as the Ixian Knights. It had taken the girl, Anita Orlouge, all but fifteen minutes to get to her father’s room from the hotel, and rather than knocking on the brown mahogany door, the teen simply opened the entrance and ran in.

Sei had been in the middle of a discussion with a soldier Anita had never seen before. The markings on the warrior were that of a warrior she had experienced a previous adventure with, one Zerith Dracosius. Given the markings on the armor, it was obvious that this particular soldier was not of the Ixian Knights, but rather from Zerith’s land of Moriah.

Seeing his daughter in such a panicked state, Sei waved the envoy off, his talks with him near an end anyways. It was once the envoy left that Anita began to explain the whole situation; how she had been shopping around the bazaar, how she had spotted her sister Kyla during her errands, how she tried to follow and call out to her, and how she ultimately failed to find her. All through Anita’s tale, Sei stood nodding, allowing each detail to sink in before Anita continued on with the next part of her story.

“So, I need to gather a few people and get her back here,” Anita spoke with haste, turning her back to her father.

“You will do no such thing,” Sei’s response boomed in the head of his child, causing her to turn around, a look of complete shock now upon her face. Had her father not believed her, or had he actually written his other adoptive daughter off as a lost cause? Either result would have been too much for the girl to bear.

“I….what?!”

“You will not pursue your sister, Anita Orlouge.” Sei repeated himself. The mute walked over to a map that had been nailed to one of his walls, an outline of Corone. He stared at the map for several minutes, using a finger to trace from Radasanth to Jadet, to Gisela. Anita stood in what could only be described as horror as Sei performed the seemingly boring activity.

“Papa, Kyla is out there, and----“

“And she very clearly did not wish to respond to you,” Sei cut his daughter off before she could continue. He closed his eyes and sighed, turning to his daughter, a half-hearted smile upon his face. “Anita, Kyla is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. In time, she will return to us. Until then, you will not waste the time and resources I have here to stop Kyla on a journey she so very clearly wishes to take”

“I…but….I…” Anita was at a loss for words. While Sei had some very valid points, the girl just could not believe that Kyla would up and ignore her like that. Realizing that she would in no way win this argument, Anita looked down at the dirty ground that was the floor of Sei’s Tomb. “Yes, Papa. I won’t assemble a party to find Kyla. I promise.”

“Good,” Sei walked over to his daughter, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug before smiling at her once more, “Then you are free to do whatever else you had planned to do today.” Anita nodded and turned back towards the door, slowly shuffling her feet out as she did so, and closing the door behind her.

Papa said I couldn’t waste –his- time and resources. Anita grinned slyly as she thought about Sei’s exact wording. He did not say that I couldn’t waste –my- time and resources, though. The girl thought for a moment about a certain Knight of Apocalypse rubbing off on her and giving her bad habits like defying her father. However, if such things meant that she would be able to reunite with her sister, Anita was willing to make such sacrifices. She slowly walked out of Sei’s Tomb, careful not to alert anybody about her intentions through facial expressions.

She would return with Kyla, and Sei would be none the wiser.

[Amber Eyes]

It was the day he had dreaded for what seemed like years. As she packed most of her things and placed them into a barrel to burn he quickly grabbed an envelope from the top. She lit a match and watched as the first step of disappearing passed in a cloud of smoke. When she seemed sure everything would burn to her satisfaction she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him gently on the cheek.

"For the record, I know I'm terrible for asking you to go along with all this." Her eyes told him her words were true, she was hurting.

"I love you Steph, I will do anything." Her eyes pierced him, forcing him to look away.

"I know, that's why it makes me terrible."

With that she was gone. He would never see that Stephanie again. The plan was for him to follow her in three hours time. They had visited the secluded cave at least a dozen times while they planned. He sat on their bed, praying that she would love him without remembering that he saved her life. He had several drinks before he could work up the courage to make his way to the cavern.

He stumbled upon the rocky entrance, his eyes struggling to adjust to the dim lighting. He relaxed a little when he saw her unmoving form right where it was supposed to be. Next to her lay the large book of spells, which he quickly hid away in his bag. He then felt for her pulse, steady as ever, before picking her up and carrying her home.

When she woke he told her he'd found her in the cave, with only a small bag near her. He did everything she said to do, and yet she broke her promise. The new Stephanie cared for him because he protected her, but she never loved him. She made her escape, leaving him with neither version. He had given up the girl he loved for the girl he loved.

He packed his bags; he had taken a leave from the hospital to start his search. He picked up the envelope, which had no return address. It was marked to be sent to Jensen Ambrose, Ixian Castle, Corone. He would find her, and he would somehow bring her back to him.

He found a small hotel near the location of Ixian Castle, where he spent the remainder of his day trying to decide what he would say if he found her. So many words ran through his head, and he fell asleep listing to the sound of a young girl arguing with the desk clerk about a missing person.

Apparently people disappear everyday.

[Amber Eyes]

When the mystic awoke a brunette girl in a blue dress sat at the end of her bed. For a moment the surprise did not register, but when it did, she jumped out of bed. "What are you doing in here?"

The girl rose, pulling down on her dress to straighten it. "I looked at the front desk clerk's log. Stephanie Ambrose huh? Good way to hide under the radar."

"Who are you?" The mystic looked around for her pants, quickly putting them on while never loosing eye contact."

"Okay Kyla, you can give up the act now. If you don't want to come home just say so." Her voice changed with those words, sharp and short.

Stephanie sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to stretch her shirt to remove the wrinkles. "Look, I honestly don't know what's going on. I just....give me a second." She rubbed her temples, trying to get rid of her headache.

"You honestly don't know who I am?" The girl in blue seemed almost excited at the thought.

Stephanie nodded slowly.

"Huh..." Yes, she was definitely excited. "That makes a lot more sense than you ignoring me. Stephanie, is it? I'm Anita."

Stephanie stood again, this time simply curious. "And what do you know about me?"

The day seemed to go by in a blur. Her name was Kyla Orlouge, the eldest adopted daughter of Sei Orlouge. Within hours she was in 'her room' staring at the wall, trying to make sense of all the chaos. Sei had given strict instructions that she be left alone, with people available to answer any questions she might have. For the time being though, Kyla just wanted to sleep.

As she drifted off in the strange room Kyla longed for Nathan's touch. She was unsure of exactly how he fit into all of this, but right now that did not matter. She placed a pillow at her back, imagining Nathan's arms surrounding her.

[Amber Eyes]

Nathan awoke early the next day, his mission clear. He made the trek to Ixian Castle with butterflies in his stomach. He saw the gates up ahead, noticing guards standing on each side. As he approached one of the men walked up to meet him. "May I ask your business here?"

The doctor swallowed hard, "I'm here to see Ms. Stephanie Ambrose."

The guards looked at each other, as though trying to decide what information to divulge.

Before Nathan could press either man someone ran out of the castle, tripping as he went. The expression on his face was that of utter loss, as though the sun had no right to be shining. Nathan's own soul ached as he watched the stranger collide with another guard, before making his way into another building. "Who was that?" He stammered the words, already fearing the answer.

The guard cleared his throat. "His name is Jensen Ambrose, Sir."

A large group of people followed the man into the structure, led by an orange haired man. Moments later a heartbreaking cry rang throughout the grounds. Nathan's ears rang with the sound, its loss mixing with his own in the pit of his stomach. A voice entered his mind as he watched the group make their way back towards the castle.

“I apologize for leaving many of you out in the dark for the sudden call to high alarm. However one of our members was captured by Cassandra Remi and killed. Please take a moment of silence to mourn a loss dear to us.”

Nathan fell to his knees, his worst fear realized.

“Please, remember the great loss of Stephanie Ambrose…”

"Are you alright sir?" The guard's hand gently touched his shoulder, bringing him back to the moment.

"Um yes," He pulled himself to his feet, turning away to hid his tear-stained face. "I'm afraid I've wasted a trip."



Lying in bed that night Nathan wept. He placed a pillow in front of him and held it close, imagining his arms surrounding her.

[Ruby]

You Again? Judgement - Full Commentary
Featuring Amber Eyes & Silence Sei.

Plot ~ 16/30

Storytelling ~ 5: with the framework you used, and the length of the thread, you told your story well. The difficult part of telling a story, however, is telling it in such a way that leaves people breathless, intrigued, and hooked for more. You had me hooked, immensely intrigued, but several factors took away the breathless quota. I suggest expanding your scenes, especially in the café, the past conversation with the maid, and the awakening post intercourse scene. Whilst it might seem tedious, develop a tempo that is less hammer blow and more ambling, and the nature of your personal, dramatically, and fantastical mental tale will go from strength to strength.

Setting ~ 4: setting was, sadly, distantly lacking in several places. You do not have to plaster every scene thick with metaphor, description, and simile to get a better score here. You only need to capitalise on a few choice scenes or items to improve. You missed out on a fantastic opportunity to really bring the strawberry scene to life. Taste, sight, smell, and feeling could have all been capitalised on here to draw on the expectation you instilled in the reader with your mature content disclaimer. It needn’t be graphic, either. Given the heavy nature of the remainder of the thread, establishing a solid setting in this gentle scene would have developed a clearer picture in the reader’s mind of where Kyla’s troubles come from in geographical terms. Otherwise you move into exposition with an ambiguous cloud hanging over you.

Pacing ~ 7: whilst the short nature of both your posts and your thread hampered storytelling, it bolstered pacing. It flows well, there is little difficulty in between scenes, and each segment is present for as long as it needs to be within the narrative. Be careful when relying on post breaks to split a scene, however, as the reader in this message board format tends to take a new post as a pause. You move from single scene to multiple post scene often, whilst this isn’t necessarily incorrect, be careful not to cause too much juxtaposition. Good solid work otherwise.

Character ~ 19/30

Communication ~ 5: nothing extraordinary here, but each phrase was appropriate, in term, and not filler. With communication, try and augment your discussion using the clear grasp of action you have. A nod, a wink, and a curl of the lips with the right sort of statement can really add meaning and poignancy to what is being said without having to write every line as a thespian’s soliloquy. Your use of the direct quote from the thread Two Peas in a Pode worked well to express both tangents combining, and the mental message.

Action ~ 8: here you excel. Action needn’t, as I’m sure you know by now, be all about bloodshed and epic spells. You describe the interaction between your characters with short, sweet, and concrete descriptors. Every motion is easy to picture, and nothing is lost in the furtive exchange of kiss and cuddle. I have little to offer in the way of criticism here, except to encourage you to retain the brevity approach to momentum in the future.

Persona ~ 6: I got a good grasp of the characters, but not who they were. By that I mean I got personality thrown at me clear as day. Be sure to establish the tedious facts when possible, so that the doubt is thrown from the reader’s mind. I don’t expect to see a massive scroll of back history in every thread, whenever a new character is introduced, so settle for a choice snippet to pin them to the grand tapestry your story weaves. If you wish to augment your score without switching style, use narrative to explain inner thought more.

Prose ~ 14/30

Mechanics ~ 3: sadly, an otherwise brief, clear, and well poised thriller was damaged several by several mechanical errors. Whilst every thread has a menagerie of proof reading slip ups, typos, and things that are all too easy to miss, in this instance, they were ingrained errors. The majority were concerned with comma use, sentence structure, and the formatting of dialogue. I don’t mean to be critical or harsh, but please take these examples to heart and work on removing them from your writing – I made them myself for years before they were pointed out, and suddenly, everything started to make sense.

1. You write ‘here?” She said’ or similar, in several places throughout the thread. When a dialogue ends in a question mark, or an exclamation make, it is usually considered to be a comma for punctuation purposes. In the above example, ‘She’ should be she. There were examples of this in posts one, three, four, five, and the second page. It’s a very simple habit to break, and will help you considerably to improve upon subsequent mechanic scores.

2. Sentence structure was not necessarily incorrect, but could be more refined. If you improve your understanding of comma use, you can use it as a poignant literary tool to deliver speech, description, and narrative in the right voice, speed, and way to aid your good technique and action scores. A triple clause should be punctuation as:

She came in through the green, cracked, and broken doorway.

Through your thread, you either feign to do this, or rely on simple sentences and short two word statements. See if you can spot where you should do this in post 9, for example. A simple method of catching this error is to look for the ‘and’, and make sure there’s a comma before it. There are more complicated rules for more complicated lists, but in this three part instance, you can catch it with a simple, concrete, and vigilant observance of the grammarfuhrer’s commandment.

3. Closing lines in post two are especially clunky. Consider your extract, and a simple restructure as below:

She shook the sleepiness from her head and realizing she had no time to do anything else as a second knock and a female voice reached her ears, simply pulled the covers to her chin before she spoke, "Come in."

She shook the sleepiness from her head as a second knock struck the door, accompanied by a female voice. She realised she had no time to do anything else, so she pulled the covers to her chin, and said “come in”.

Naturally, the re-write is just a sentence example. There are a thousand right ways to write, and very few wrong ways. Keep the golden rule, ‘if I can write it clearer without losing any of the meaning I want to convey, write it clearer’, and you’ll be on your way to 7+ easily.

4. You mistyped gentle as gently in post four.

5. Avoid, at all costs, writing numbers as numbers outside of absolute necessity. Size 9 should invariably be size nine. I would hazard a guess that shoes in Althanas terms are not measured by Earth cobbler standards as well.

6. A few select instances of breaking ‘new paragraph with a new speaker’ peppered through. Post two in particular.

7. Missed a possessive apostrophe in girls in post four.

Clarity ~ 5: your score here reflects the serious doubts in my mind about what exactly happens in the latter half of your thread. I had to re-read extensively, because not enough is explained, even for a thread that clearly is connected to others. I would encourage you, after discovering your other submission expands on the events herein further, to use a quote box at the beginning of a thread to explain – or to include this in the submission. Your mechanical errors curtailed any better score than understandable prose, be careful of how your sentence structure can trip up the reader and reign in the comma errors and clarity and mechanics alike should rise in short order. One major issue was in post three, when you say ‘and the younger’. I worked out you meant the younger girl, but it took an adjustment and re-read to clarify. Be careful with word choice in this instance.

Technique ~ 6: good use of exposition, build-up of tension, and continuity tools gave you an above average score. Consider using tripling, alliteration, and other rhyming listing techniques in between dialogue to add to the guttural and sensual nature of your character. The introduction of Kyla’s partner’s name later in the thread was a good way to keep the reader guessing, and the tension and refined delivery of these small facts worked to your advantage.

Wildcard: 8/10: I would put this score down to two things, how much you hooked me in with intrigue, and how well you drew your story in with the expansive world of the Ixian Knights. I would urge you on the side of caution in the future, however, I am very involved with the threads you refer to, and perhaps that would have been lost on a less familiar reader. You can take liberties in a small community, by all means, but don’t take too many! Overall, an enjoyable read, that has moved my plans back this evening to read your other submission. Keep up the good work!

Total ~ 57/100


Spoils:

Amber Eyes receives 1380 exp and 150 gold.

Silence Sei receives 180 exp and 25 gold.

*Posting as Ruby, because the forum won't allow formatting on certain accounts.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.