Lunchroom Issues II: Electric Buggaloo

[Enigmatic Immortal]

“Tobias, can you feel the energy!” Jensen shouted from the rooftop of Tagaz’s training room, tossing a bucket down to his elf companion as the green haired girl grabbed the wooden apparatus and smiled.

“When I’m around you I always assume it’s just your smelly human nature,” Tobias teased as she looked around for the tool kit and tossed a few of the tools into the bucket. She turned back to the immortal and found him landing right before her, a wisp of wind kicking up dirt and debris as he stood tall once more before her, shit eating grin and all.

“I assure you that your elven musk perfume would scare away a bear in heat,” Jensen replied cockily as he kicked the bucket out of her hand expertly so it dropped and spun on one side until it came to a rest next to the tool box. The immortal looked back at the dojo he was assigned to repair after William Arcus had his warrior’s did a training session with Ta’gaz not more than a day ago. In the end of their cycle they all walked out, broken, sore, and in need of a shower. All save William, who came out with a black eye, a broken wrist, and limping heavily. When Jensen inquired what had happened the legendary fighter merely shrugged, mentioned how he his cross body uppercut caught the demon off guard and his magma shot had focused on the roof instead of his target.

Tobias lifted his jacket up, draping it over her shoulders as the two walked, the immortal taking her bandanna and wrapping it around his head as the two joked and said rather vulgar things about the other in jest before long the immortal’s stomach began to growl. Tobias’ ear’s shifted suddenly, and her eyes turned to the skies as she found the tallest tower.

“I still don’t get how the hell your Oracle of Wind can do that!” Tobias muttered. “He jumps off the tallest tower everyday and somehow lands on his feet, no worse for the wear and no crippling shooting pains in his muscles that are absorbing the impact. Not to mention his bones have to be made of Adamantium for such abuse.”

“First off,” Jensen said darkly as he rubbed his stomach. “Fuck that guy! He’s an asshole, and will always be an asshole! If he wants to play chicken with the pavement let the idiot. Better than the freaking Oracle of Water’s challenge,”

“Yeah, she’s a bitch,” Tobias said remembering her encounter with Ta’gaz’s elite trainers. Each Oracle was a student who had passed well into a particular fighting path; Earth, Wind, Fire, Water. Jensen and Stephanie, who were both excited to learn more about the elements they chose to represent when they fought, were less than thrilled with their results. “Who the hell can walk on water?” Tobias had more than just that silly reason not to like her, as the klepto of the Ixian Knights found all her items robbed from her blind from the Oracle of Water.

“Better than drinking lava. Heard that’s what the Oracle of Fire does. Make your drink lava. Yedda’s tits, that’s brutal.” Jensen felt his stomach gurgle again and he smiled. “Oh yeah, the energy! Can you feel it?” Jensen said taking a whiff of the air.

“No, but then again you yourself aren’t far off from these estranged people,” Tobias looked to Jensen and smiled softly as she watched his chest rise and fall as he put on the most content face she ever had seen. The immortal’s mind began to wander as they neared the mess hall, and then she saw him do something she never had seen him do before.

Jensen Ambrose was skipping.

“Oh baby, daddy’s gonna make love to you! Ouu!” Jensen posed grabbing his crotch and, for lack of a better word, posed. “Yeah-hah!” Jensen sang melodically. “Shamona!”

“The hell is wrong with you?” Tobias shouted to him, slapping his arm to bring him to the present. Yet it all meant nothing. In Jensen’s head, he was dancing, dancing to the wonderful tune of baking being sizzled, chives being cut, sour crème being stirred by a small metal spoon. The whishing sound of shredded cheese being scooped upwards and the plopping sound of it being dumped. His feet moved like a slave to the rhythm of the holiest of all foods, the lunch of the gods, the mightiest of carbohydrates, the coveted vegetable platter, and always thrice blessed, Twice Backed Potato. Tobias gave him a weird look as she ripped her bandanna from his hand when he tried to use it as some sort of sexual vessel, slamming his coat into him.

His momentum changed gears as he easily donned the familiar weight, feeling the warmth of the names that were lovingly stitched into the back of the inside flap. Jensen was happier than could be as he hit the line. He was humming a song he made up about Twice Baked Potatoes. He tapped his foot in tune with his rhyme, thinking of Azza bouncing on the fluffy cloud made of sour crème goodness. His mind wandered to Stephanie, draped only in a kitchen apron with frills, holding a plate with the Twice Baked Potato. She took the spoon and dipped it into her mouth seductively, before she dropped it into the sour crème and layered it all over the cheese. She then took the bacon and rubbed it against her, moaning ever so lightly as she dripped it onto the Potato. Her fingers tiptoed through the chives, lifting them up and blowing into her hand so they toppled onto the meal.

“All for you,” She whispered to Jensen, the potato resting upon her naked hip as she was now placed in front of a fireplace. Jensen smiled, longingly, before the heat of the fireplace flared upwards, and a demonic William Arcus came into the picture. Stephanie ran, the potato falling off her hip as the Revenant knelt down and grabbed his potato, rubbing the skin across his perfectly chiseled abs up to his mouth where he was about to devour it.

Reality sank back in as Jensen remembered the last time he had a Twice Baked Potato. That bastard and hated rival for all eternity, William Arcus, had tried to deny him his prize with a brawl that saw the mess hall all but utterly destroyed. He looked around for his erstwhile counterpart, trying to find the Volcano’s Wrath within the mess hall, but no sign of him could be found.

Sighing contently he made it the front of the line where he found the waitress looking to Jensen with sorry eyes. The immortal blinked to her, looked down, and to his horror found no Twice Baked Potatoes! Before he could scream she lifted up a hand.

“I’m sorry, we ran out of potatoes! Everyone loves this day and we can’t control the supplies! I’m sorry.” Jensen slammed his fist on the table. Making everyone jump around him.

“Sorry isn’t going to get Stephanie in the nude wearing an apron in front of a fire place!” Jensen roared. “FIND ME A POTATO!” Jensen was livid as he flipped the serving tray. Into the waitress’ hands. Tobias, who had sat with Anita and Kyla at their table, looked to the immortal concerned.

“It’s just-” Jensen’s deadly glare slowly turned upon the elf, and the room went cold and silent as she felt her voice lower.

“Just a what, Leaf Licker?” Jensen oozed. “The greatest gift that the gods could have given us? Then we are all in accord Bush Humper! Go back to playing gossip with the ladies and shut your fairy fucking mouth,” Jensen turned back to the waitress.

“Uh, dude, not cool!” A man said next to Jensen. What few soldier’s backed him up had retreated as Jensen bore a hole into his very soul, the immortal’s wrath coming to the fore. When it came to the Twice Baked Potato, Jensen would not be denied. It also didn’t help that he had a history of the Potato being taken from him more than just once. Even as a squire in the Knight’s of Apocalypse his friends took his potato. His comrades took his potato. His father had once made him the potato, then ate it front of him. Everyone always got the potato but Jensen Ambrose. Not today though.

“I’m, going to let you take a moment to pull the receded dick out of your vagina,” Jensen said in a low, deadly voice. “And AMSCRAY!” Like an obedient soldier, he wisely took flight. He turned back to the waitress, who was paralyzed with fear.

“I can’t, he’ll kill me!” She actually spoke from the back of her throat, the fear layered with gripping terror. What she was thinking actually terrified her more than anything in the world.

“Who’ll kill you?” The girl looked back into the kitchen, nodded once as a serving boy ran into the hidden room, and came back out with a small serving tray that was covered with an enchanted warming top. Usually Sei’s food was kept warm for him since he had much to do, but the bastard already ate. In fact it was the Faggot Fairy King who tipped him off to the Potato day. So who’s potato could it be.

“Lord Arcus, sir,” She said sheepishly. Jensen looked to the potato holder, then with a snarl jumped over the table. The serving boy turned to run and Jensen gave him a cruel chuckle.

“That idiot isn’t going to come for his potato. He just wanted it to eat it in front of me and hold it over me. Well I’m going to repay the favor, now give me MY POTATO!” Jensen screamed as he began to trot after the potato.

[Revenant]

“I hate it here.” The normally dour face of Pell Duyo was even dourer as he sagged against the wall of the Ixian Castle’s front guard post.

“Not this again,” his companion, Jaime Grudge, let out a grunt of annoyance which elicited a sour, frowning look from the pudgier Pell. Though he would never admit it to his steadfast companion and hetero life-mate, Jaime always found that he had to stifle a giggle when Pell gave him that look as the flabbier man’s drooping cheek jowls turned his face into that of a confused hunting dog. Knowing that Pell wouldn’t drop the issue until his mock rage had been satisfied however, Jaime threw his hands skywards and rolled his eyes up to follow. “I’m just saying, you know, that all you’ve done since we transferred here has been to complain about how much you hate the castle.”

“Well it’s because the castle sucks,” Pell pouted, maintaining his “hurt feelings” face even though he turned back to look out the guard post’s front window. “I miss the Tomb.”

“You miss that there was a side exit from the Tomb that led directly into the Radasanth bakery district you mean.” Jaime couldn’t suppress the giggles that seeped from between his tight-pressed lips at the grumpy bulldog look that Pell responded with.

“Dude, how can you not be pissed that we’ve been transferred out in the middle of nowhere.”

“Because we actually have a room here instead of living in a smelly cave.”

Pell grunted and returned to staring angrily out the window. A hint of sorrow fluttered through Jaime’s heartstrings at the sight. As much as he was tired of hearing Pell bitch and whine about the move to the Castle, he didn’t want his rotund companion the idea that they couldn’t bitch and whine about other things. It was, after all, one of the night watchmen’s favorite activities. What Pell needed, he knew, was a quick bit of gossip to perk the porky sentry’s interest.

“Come on its not all that bad,” Jaime began, letting things draws out a little to hook Pell’s attention, “after all, Lord Sei decided to reinstitute Twice-Baked Potato night in honor of the new digs.”

Sure enough, mention of twice-baked potatoes spun Pell bodily around to face Jaime. “You’re shitting me?”

Jaime grinned and held up a palm in a solemn gesture, “I shit you not.”

“When?”

“Tonight if I’m not mistaken.”

“How the hell did I miss THAT announcement?”

”You were probably too stuck in mopey world.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Pell waived Jaime off as if the idea of moping had suddenly become unthinkable. “If that’s true then not only is the Castle awesome, but we need to head to the dining hall right after watch to save our seats.”

“Dude I am totally with you on this one.”

Jaime and Pell grinned at one another, all thoughts of griping lost in the sudden wave of excitement that filled the tiny, one room guard shack.

*****

True to their word, Pell and Jaime diligently maintained a tight hold over one of the coveted tables in the lunchroom. The two night guardsmen looked positively wasted from the all-day vigil that they had mounted after an all-night watch, but the biggest grins they could possibly fit nonetheless rested on their faces. The lunchroom had been “standing room only” all day, though only the most clueless of the new recruits thought that the crowd and the line leading down the hall was actually for the potatoes. Tasty as they were, the greasy, bacon-covered treats weren’t nearly as interesting as the drama whose opening hand was being played as the enigmatic immortal leapt over his table.

“Now give me MY POTATO!” Jensen screamed and pounced at the startled, and somewhat intimidated, serving boy. Somehow, impossibly, the grins on Pell and Jaime’s faces grew even wider as the immortal’s hand closed on the foil wrapped goodie in front of him.

“Here we go,” Jaime whispered expectantly.

“Totally worth it,” Pell replied.

A hair’s breadth from grabbing his prize, Jensen’s hand was stopped by the sudden appearance of a balled up wad of cloth which flew in from the side door and wrapped around his head. The heavily embroidered tablecloth was unmistakably Ixian, commissioned from the finest Radasanthian fashioneers by Sei Orlouge himself and woven to the most exacting specifications. It was the type of tablecloth only seen in the exclusive dining quarters of the Ixian Captains, who had been given their own dining facilities by Sei after the first twice-baked potato night had been revoked. Jensen couldn’t have cared less about the table cloth’s history or where it had come from as he tore it off his face, however, his thoughts solely focused on the steaming, greasy treat whose creamy, cheesy flavor was already on the tip of his tongue.

Jensen’s focus changed immediately as his newly freed face was met with the stiff resistance of a massive fist.

William Arcus grinned at the sight of the immortal stumbling backwards from the inhuman force of his sucker punch. He only dimly registered the deafening roaring cheer that filled the lunchroom at his appearance, a cheer loud enough to physically shake half of the Ixian Castle.

“I believe, jackass, that it’s MY potato,” William said, plucking the foil wrapped tuber from the awestruck serving boy.

A fire lit in Jensen’s eyes at the sight of his most hated rival holding his precious twice-baked potato. “Did you throw a table cloth at me?” Jensen laughed with his trademark insanity.

The question visibly caught William off-guard. The Revenant had expected the laughter, but had expected threats or curses to accompany it. “Yeah. So?”

“What’s it with you and throwing random stuff at me?” Jensen doubled over, roaring with laughter. “Big bad demon guy can’t think of any other way to start a fight?”

William’s eyes narrowed dangerously, “its been a thousand times more effective than you’re shitty throwing daggers. You’re supposed to be Legendary in the skill but even a thirteen year old can sidestep your attacks like you were some bumpkin at the Radasanth Fair throwing darts at a balloon.”

The retort just caused Jensen to laugh that much harder.

“Fine, shithead, laugh all you want,” William grunted angrily, “and while you’re doing that I’m going to eat MY potato.”

“Ha-HAH,” Jensen shrieked in a high pitched falsetto as one of his throwing daggers flew suddenly from his hand and smacked the foil baked prize from William’s hand. Jensen could have easily bisected the potato with the razor sharp projectile but chose to instead target it in such a way that it was the hilt of the dagger which struck to potato, keeping its delicious goodness safe.

“Wha...,’ William spun after the potato, startled by the unexpected attack, only to find himself shoved to the ground as Jensen vaulted over him.

“Fucka youuuuuu,” came Jensen’s taunting cry as the enigmatic immortal took up chase over the potato which was currently tumbling across the crowded lunchroom floor.

[Hysteria]

Some people fight and some love. A few others watch the people fighting and loving and work out how to, a) fight and love better and b) how to use the lovers and fighters for their own personal gain. Talen was one of these people, a neutral bystander who only entered the fray when there was something to gain.

Talen was also the youngest of the Knight Captains, and in his opinion, the coolest. He was thirteen years old by normal standards and went to great lengths to act as childish as possible. When people let their guard down, then Talen would strike. The youth was a natural at finding out what should be kept hidden and today he had found out something very useful.

Since breakfast Talen stayed in the mess hall, patiently waiting for lunch to arrive. He had overheard a whisper from the food crew about preparing for the lunch rush and his need know everything was triggered. From his pocket he drew his little black book, the Diary of Jane. The book had the ability to transcribe the thoughts of women onto the pages and Talen read from the serving lady of the amazing twice baked potatoes being served later. Since then he sat and waited.

His own potato had been amazing, and Talen wasn't normally one for vegetables. He had finished long before the majority of the army had arrived for theirs and enjoyed sitting back and watching the commotion. At the arrival of Arcus and Jensen though, Talen figured it was his time to leave and escape the chaos he knew was going to happen in seconds.

Talen stood and weaved quickly through the crowded room to the front of the line and dropped his tray back in. He purposefully moved wide around the two Captains and was just about disappear into the crowded room and out when a small potato wrapped with foil hit his foot. He bent down and picked it up before realising what it was. A tingle of dread ran down his back as he turned to William and Jensen.

“Bed wetter, be a good boy and hand over the potato.” said the immortal.

Jensen and William walked forwards, hunched like stalking wolves towards the youth. Talen tried to smile but it came out as an awkward grimace. He raised his hands to show compliance, but Jensen darted forwards and punched Talen in the stomach regardless. The youth doubled and over grunted in pain as the immortal grabbed the potato out of his hand. Adding insult to injury, the immortal twisted around Talen and kicked him in the butt so he stumbled towards the Revenant.

The demon grabbed Talen by the arm and twisted on the spot, lifting the boy into the air and throwing him directly Jensen. The two collided and Jensen stumbled backwards. He regained his footing and grabbed Talen and threw the youth over head. Talen was flicked over the serving counter and smashed through a stack of dirty plates and came to a stop on the floor amid the scared serving staff. The youth slowly opened his eyes and looked around.

“fuck.”

Slowly the youth's body turned to darkness and disappeared as stepped out of the physical realm to escape the oncoming carnage.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

“MY POTATO!” Jensen screamed with reckless abandon as he vaulted himself at William Arcus, uncaring to the plight of the small boy wonder of the Ixian Knights. As the words left his mouth a cheer from the gathered soldiers erupted loudly, clapping and urging for Jensen to grab the potato coming from almost everyone’s faces.

Yet William wasn’t even disturbed by the rapid support the immortal had as he casually grabbed the the tray Talen had discarded and emptied the contents on the floor taking a few test swings before turning to the immortal and slamming the tin tray full force into Jensen’s spine as he let the warped metal fall to the floor. A sickening thud resounded over the crowd, the cheers turned to ouu’s and awe’s as the knight feel to his knees then his hands. More screaming soldiers cheered for William as the Knight of Apocalypse ate the brunt of the attack, and the demon kicked the immortal in the side shoving him into a table.

“Like hell it is!” William bent down to grab the potato, lips snarling in triumph. “I’m going to take this damned baked potato, rip the foil off and shove it down your throat and make you watch me eat it!” He growled much to joy of the Ixian army. When his fingertips grazed the silver wrapping a large disc shattered against his hand making him retract it quickly.

“I said…” Jensen wheezed lifting himself up and grabbing another random plate from the reinforced table that Sei had specially made for his army using Coronian Oak. “That is…” He aimed it and let it loose with a wild cry of mirth, laughing insanely as he charged once again.

“MY POTATO!” The supporters of Jensen Ambrose cried out for him as William swatted the plate aside and ran to meet him head on. Both warrior’s knew the other well, having fought so many times. Meat Grinders, warped nightmares, in the desert of Fallien and the basement of the Citadel to the snow of Berevar. Nothing the other did really surprised the other as they pulled out every last trick they both knew to incapacitate the other. Both warrior’s were trained by the same master, both walking opposite paths of martial study. William was fire, Jensen was wind. The two were opposite as opposite could be. Nothing they would do to each other would startle them.

Save for the double head butt. Because nobody suspected the head butt, neither one expected the other to do a head butt at the same time. Bone crashed against bone, spit collided with spit as teeth gnashed, both men pressing their entire force of will to hate the other out of existence. Jensen brought up his fist to uppercut William in the chin just as the Revenant brought his left hand down in a hammer blow colliding knuckle to knuckle as their foreheads began to grate and cause skin burns.

Their nostrils flared as William’s face was a mask of defiance, the immortal’s leering grin of spite complimenting their rivalry well. The fact the army had split into two supporting sides of fans didn’t even register to them. What the army thought was playful fun was a matter of deadly pride. That potato meant everything to them. It was not just a holy symbol of all that was deliciously tasty in the world, but a trophy of who was superior to the other. If Jensen could eat that potato, William was defeated. The same was reversed if William managed to let his palette enjoy those buttery juices.

Jensen and William pushed their faces away quickly at the same instant as Jensen twirled into a roundhouse that William deflected with his forearm throwing out a haymaker with his free hand. The immoral felt his knuckles graze his chin muscles and bent backwards to let his fist over extend as he pirouetted to be face to face with the demon again. He let out a riotous laughter, letting the full range of the vaulted ceiling allow his echoing mirth to resound in the Captain’s ears as he pulled his head back and attempted yet another head butt.

Once again both men collided heads as Jensen grinned looking into the coal like eyes of the hated Revenant feeling the heat exude from his charred flesh. They pulled back and continued to head butt the other repeatedly until Jensen let out a whine of pain and a giggle of laughter as William pushed him further and further back, his endurance winning out over the immortal.

“Come on!” William spat. Blood flew out in tiny flecks from Jensen’s mouth. “That all you got?” Another head butt sent a tooth flying and the immortal mentally thought of Aislinn to remedy that problem. “You’re-” William reared back for one last final head butt that would slam Jensen onto the reinforced tables of the Ixian Knights, but while the Revenant was all Strength and Endurance, the immortal was Speed and Agility. In the moment of winding up for the blow Jensen managed to dash backwards and tuck down coming back in with backswing blow jabbing his fist into William’s gut. Hot dribble escaped his lips as Jensen let out a high pitched squeal, finding a spot on the charred demon’s body that hurt. He pulled back again and knelt down for a second, waiting as William’s eyes rolled back into focus before releasing a violent flash kick that shunted the Demonkin into one of the tables surrounded by cheering soldiers who supported the Monster Hunter.

“Pathetic!” Jensen giggled as he ran for the foiled potato of holiness.

[Revenant]

William bit down on his lip to keep from crying out as he tumbled head over heels across the dining hall. Every joint and hard edge in his body cried out in painful unison, but the Revenant refused to give Jensen the satisfaction of hearing him cry out. Besides, he reminded himself, his healing ability would wipe his slate clean in a minute or two. He would just have to tough it out until then. Fortunately for him, William was a very tough individual.

Jaime and Pell leapt from their table as William’s hard body crashed into and rolled over it. Though their eyes were wide with shocked astonishment, there was no mistaking the silly grins plastered on their respective faces. Great sacrifices had been made to ensure that the two night watchmen had the best seats possible for the show and those sacrifices were certainly paying off. The fact that they two men were in an incredibly dangerous position never crossed their minds.

Snarling like a rabid beast, William bared his teeth at the two grinning watchmen as he rose. The sight of those teeth, even though William was still in his human form, was enough to knock the humor out of the situation. But even taking the wind out of the two night watchmen’s sails couldn’t rouse enthusiasm within the Revenant.

“My potato, my potato, mine, mine, mine,” Jensen sang, dancing around in wobbly circles with the foil wrapped package held triumphantly over his head. The entire dining hall was filled with a mixture of cheers and jeers as the assembled crowd rooted for their favorite combatant. Some of them had even produced handmade fan signs which they waved to show their support as if the brawl was some form of coliseum battle.

“Like hell it is,” William grumbled, watching the idiotic immortal prance about. Thinking quickly, William reached under Jaime and Pell’s table and tore the supporting beam out from the table’s center.

Jensen finished his twirling just in time to see William charging back across the dining hall, and his lips twitched in a smile when he saw a table leading the Revenant’s way. Lithe as a mongoose, Jensen easily leapt atop the table, effectively halting its advance and thrust the twice-baked potato into William’s face.

“That all you got, burnboy? You don’t deserve my potatoy-goodness,” he squealed with delight, shaking the greasy covered foil tantalizingly. The smile disappeared as quickly as the rest of him, however, as William gripped either side of the table and yanked them upwards savagely. Without the support beam, and aided by Jensen’s weight, William’s inhuman strength snapped the table in half and allowed the Revenant to slam the two splintering shards of wood together, effectively crushing Jensen between them.

The sickening crunch of bone cracked through the dining hall, instantly silencing all revelry, and a spurt of blood splashed out from between the heavy table halves. William released the tables, his own lips now curled in a savage smirk, and took the foil wrapped treasure from Jensen’s still outstretched, though now twitching, hand.

William turned to walk away from the grisly scene, but stopped. Almost as an afterthought, the Revenant turned and kicked the Jensen/wood sandwich with all of his might, propelling the gruesome tableau into the Soup Nazi’s pots of boiling soup.

“Pathetic?” he said. “Hardly.”

[Liliana Ambria]

There are many things one should, and should not see. Upon entering the dining hall, and seeing a foil wrapped potato in one hand, Liliana immediately assumed the worst.

Samantha, the daughter of Seth and Liliana had stopped by for a casual meal at lunch, celebrating the girl’s return before Seth was finished with whatever ghastly task Cassandra Remi had cooked up, specifically to waste his time. Seth wasn’t dumb, and neither was Liliana, they knew that Remi was keeping Seth far from her, in an effort to forestall the vengeance the Lavinian swore to dish out for the death of Serenity Dahlios, Seth’s daughter out of wedlock. While Samantha didn’t know about her half-sister, Seth’s protectiveness of the girl was not just the flight of fancy that came from being resurrected and finding out he had a daughter.

It was a pragmatism that even now had Liliana grabbing her daughter by the shoulders as she spoke, “I do not think this is the best time for a meal, perhaps we could walk about the castle some more while you tell me about Fallien.”

“Fallien was boring mom, I don’t know how dad got around the place, they got guards watching everywhere. Bowmen they say could shoot the flea off a camel given half a chance,” Samantha grumbled before she too saw the spectacle. Blood spurted as the fight grew rather dangerous, and Samantha stopped, as some of the blood flecked across her face. She winced, even as Liliana’s eye went wide at the spectacle. William was in the process of gripping the foil, before everyone heard it.

The laugh of Jensen Ambrose, from between the two tables.

“That all you got Willy? Pathetic’s too good for you, I think you just upgraded to hopeless!” Jensen shouted out from between the tables, as both women watched wide eyed, the bloody but unbowed. The crowd roared some of the men clapping frantically as Jensen spiraled across the floor, knocking the feet out from under William. The brutish demonic lumberjack wasn’t prepared for the onslaught as Jensen stuck both hands down upon the ground, and using his shoulders as a fulcrum slammed his feet once more under the Revenant’s chin. Task accomplished the two men went skyward as the fight continued, with Jensen landing in a cacophony of laughter.

William hit the floor as the potato began to slide and skid across the floor. Everyone ran from the accursed food, knowing far better than to even think of touching it. Anyone who got between the two jackals was going to be ripped to shreds before the fight for the potato would continue unabated. Even then Liliana was grabbing her daughter by the back of her shirt and with a violent tug she hissed, “Oh dear gods, why us!?”

Rushing away from the foil covered goodness Samantha was left in a daze as she cried out in alarm, to see the enigmatic immortal rush forward. Liliana was keeping her and her daughter only a scant few feet from the carnage as the two of them rushed down the hallways, potato sliding across the floor as Jensen’s clumsy attempts to grab the potato continued. Finally finding safe passage through an open door, Liliana grabbed her daughter once more and dragged her bodily through the awaiting portal, and turned just in time to see the revenant punch Jensen right in the back of the head.

The two men continued their foolish fight as Jensen rocketed down the hallway, landing with a sickening splat against the far wall, but next to the potato. His hand reached out for the twice baked holy food as he saw those boots, steadily stomp down the hallway towards the trophy. Liliana peeked out from her door before she looked at her daughter, “Now, we can eat.”

“What on earth was that mother?” Samantha asked.

“Something I pray I never live to experience a third time…” Liliana confessed.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Jensen felt the wall and rubbed his woozy body as he stumbled awkwardly around on his feet after colliding with it, shaking the cobwebs clear before grinning again as green arcs of energy rippled around his form. Thanking the Storm Herald for his gift, the immortal turned to see William leaning forwards to grab the potato in his hands. Taking two steps forwards and jumping he dropkicked the Revenant’s exposed derrière, pushing him into a table that held a small flower pot and a portrait of Zerith Dracosius leading his men into battle. The wood snapped and shattered from the immense bulk of the demonkin, the shards raining down littering the floor. The flower pot rolled next to the foiled potato and Jensen made a move to grab it. As his fingers were mere inches away, William swatted the potato down the hall, it rolling forwards in a tumble down a flight of stairs as Jensen picked up the flower pot and used it as a club beating William’s face with it.

“You bastard child of Jomil’s cancerous vaginal cavity!” Jensen shouted as he ran forwards after shattering the blue vase against William’s chin. The demon grabbed the tail of Jensen’s coat, pulling hard and flinging Jensen behind him as he stomped forwards like a mighty Juggernaut, his pace unable to altered as he moved onwards towards the holy prize.

“GIVE ME GVE ME GIVE ME GIVE ME GIVE ME!” Jensen bellowed over and over as his feet charged on the rippled rug that lined the hallway. The red material bunched as William ran towards the potato, both warrior’s reaching the edge of the stairs just in time to see the potato roll to the bottom of the stone steps.

“You want it?” William asked, his gravelly voice filled with amusement as he reached out and grabbed the immortal’s arm. “Go get it you dancing fairy!” And with a fling that would make even a giant proud Jensen was launched into the air screaming like a banshee in half laughter, half terror. The immortal’s feet collided awkwardly with the windowsill as he violently changed trajectory, bounding upon the floor of the stairs feeling his arm twist out of place as he bounced down four steps at a time. He lifted his last good hand out and managed to push himself off the floor in his descent, spreading his legs out was he slid forwards diving the last set of stairs and landing in a skid on the bottom flight.

“Thanks for the lift, burn boy!” Jensen hollered as he giggled, rushing towards the potato. He spotted it just before a door, but as he jumped forwards to grab it the wooden portal opened and pushed the potato so it slid underneath the sailing Jensen. The immortal cried out in anguish as he watched it fly towards William’s feet, before collapsing upon himself into a heap as he collided with the door shoving several people backwards.

“What in the-” A voice cried out in alarm. Jensen groggily looked to see William stop his run so he could saunter the last few steps and savor the moment of grabbing the potato.

“No, no, no! My potato, my potato, my potato!” Jensen was in a trance as he pushed himself up, feeling the moment slow to a crawl in his minds eyes. With a sixth sense he felt the presence of Adolph Gretzle, the robed Chaplain of the Ixian Knights reaching his hand out to see if the immortal was okay. William’s final step was in slow motion, the bastard’s grin wider than a demon’s leering smile. Jensen could tell he had four other chaplains behind him as well, but the thing he needed more than anything else was what Adolph had on him at all times.

Moving quickly again he felt all of time return faster than before, twisting on the spot and grabbing Adolph by the arm he offered and pushing him so he catapulted forwards in a stumble. As the man fell Jensen snatched his hand outwards grabbing the chain attached to his hip and pulling it until a maul escaped Adolph’s robes. Grabbing the Maul he spun again, laughing hysterically as he let it fly outwards like an unconventional boomerang towards William’s body.

The maul flew rapidly at William’s chest, the immortal already chasing after it like a dog fetching a stick as he let drool fly out his mouth in anticipation of grabbing his most treasured prize.

[Revenant]

Focused as he was on the foil wrapped potato, William was completely caught off guard when the Crozius crashed into him. Had he been braced the awkward missile would have done little more than bounce off his solid physique, perhaps leaving a bruise that would heal within a minute thanks to William’s enhanced healing abilities. Unfortunately for the demonic warrior, his pursuit of the prized potato meant that his balance was precarious enough that the heavy maul hurled him from his feet. Much as it galled him to admit it, Jensen’s half-hazard fighting style always left William at enough of a disadvantage that, despite William’s overwhelming strength, the two men were on equal footing.

Lying on the polished stone floor of the Ixian Castle, William felt that gall more keenly than ever before. It clawed at his belly, curling like an angry serpent within him. And then when Jensen scooped up the twice baked potato, holing it above his head like a treasured prize plucked from the vault of some long forgotten dungeon, the serpent in William’s belly uncoiled. Ire and gall turned to poison, black lines of spite and rage that raced through him, multiplied by his own natural tendency towards violence.

William moved like a blur, the full force of his demonic power lacing his flesh with black lines of charred corruption. A shimmering wall of heat burst from under William’s cloak, heralding his ascent back to the playing field, only this time the strength enhancing Crozius was gripped firmly in his hand.

The triumph in Jensen’s eyes turned to panic as the head of the maul swung through the space that the Knight of the Apocalypse had just moments before been occupying in his victory dance. There was no fear in those eyes, for it was widely known that Jensen feared nothing, but it would have been understandable how one could interpret his mad scramble to get away from the raging Revenant as fear.

Jensen’s agility and athletic prowess was the only thing that saved him as he dodged William’s wild swings of the Crozius by a hair’s breadth time and again. Each swing that missed Jensen crashed into a wall of the long corridor, tearing huge chunks of rock from the walls and the floor around them. Screaming Ixian Knights, most of which had followed the lunchroom brawl into the hallway, fled in all directions. Even Adolph and his Chaplains, the very modicum of taciturn fearlessness in the face of adversity, fled before the destructive rage that William was wreaking.

Unfortunately, as lithe as Jensen was, he wasn’t able to flee with his hard-earned prize like the rest of the Ixian Knights. He was hard pressed to do little more than focus on William’s weapon as he dodge away time and again. But focusing on the weapon as intently as he was, Jensen was unable to mentally keep up with the ever changing landscape of the tunnel that shifted with each hammer blow of the destructive maul. A yelp of panic replaced Jensen’s cocksure laughter the moment his heel slipped on a piece of rocky detritus, only to be drowned out by the roar of triumph that tore from William’s howling maw.

The Crozius rose and fell as fast as a hawk diving for its prey, but even sprawled flat upon his back, Jensen managed to twist like yarn to avoid the strike. The head of the maul slammed into the floor beneath Jensen with enough force to shatter a Rootwalker’s leg and the concussive blast of it threw William off his feet and sent Jensen rolling down the corridor. The weapon was lodged so firmly in the floor that it would take Adolph and his Chaplains hours to dig out, but the status of the Crozius wasn’t William’s concern. The only thing that William could focus on was the greased potato foil on the ground next to him, lying where it had fallen when it had slipped from Jensen’s slick fingers.

“Mine,” William hissed, crawling over to grab the prize.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Rage incarnate had thrashed around the halls leading towards the underground tomb, the baked foil sending those who chased it into a flurry of wrath. The immortal watched as the weapon he had purchased for Adolph came slamming into the ground with a thunderous crash like a lightening strike from the heavens. Debris scattered in a wide arc, showering the walls with rocks and grout and other building materials. Plant pots scattered to liven up the beaten path shattered in a chorus as one as a shockwave built upwards and then pulsed to the winds in a wide circle, blowing Jensen’s hair out of his face as he spun his legs in a tornado like fashion to ride the current to a standing stance.

Years of experience built upon the foundations of his own cackling insanity pushed the immortal forwards after the Revenant who stalked after the potato. Jensen rushed along the wall, the balls of his feet stepping upon the dirt that littered the ground like blood shed from a beast. One hand touched the cool surface of the cobbled hallway, the other hand flexing in anticipation as a finger greedily looped around the ring of one of his throwing daggers. He aimed with expert precision, eyes cast upon the demon’s hand as it flew outwards. The weapon slashed deep into the soft flesh where the thumb met the index finger, and an agitated cry of frustration escaped the man’s lips. Jensen knew full well William wasn’t even the slightest bit phased by the attack, as the man had a knack to suck up pain and ignore it knowing his body would regenerate within minutes.

Still, the effect was all the immortal needed, not the damage. The Ixian captain turned with a growl of agitation, taloned claws swiping outwards with a finality to shred off Jensen’s face. The immortal easily ducked the attack, one finger lifting upwards and tickling the demon’s chin as he pirouetted to face the man and leap upwards in a violent flash kick. William’s body arced upwards as he rose to his toes, jaw clamping shut as his eyes slammed shut tightly. He twisted as he fell backwards, catching himself without dropping to a knee as he lifted up an arm to block a follow up roundhouse.

Jensen continued to follow up with a ballad of attacks, each moving in the harmony one would only find in a symphony. Each kick flowed easily into a punch, twisting body to cover exposed spots. Jensen became the wind as his body contorted in tight spaces, arms and feet never stopping as he fought with the fire that William represented. The top trainer of the Ixian Knight’s had trained the Revenant well, and the man knew how to brawl with more than just mindless barbarism. Still, William was only so fast, but Jensen was faster. With a final laugh Jensen’s feet lifted upwards as he curled into a tight ball, dodging a rather well aimed kick that would have caught lesser men off guard. When the Revenant over extended his past his limit’s the immortal managed to explode his feet out in a drop kick to the man’s face, both boots pressing against the man’s foot.

“Kiss my feet, Willie!” Jensen hollered with glee as he pushed the man off his vertical base knocking the lug down. Scrambling back towards the potato Jensen managed to wrap his fingers around the juicy goodness, happily squealing with delight as he lifted the food over his head in a silly dance. Bringing it down to his face he managed to catch the reflection off the foil of the Revenant’s fist flying right at his, and Jensen bent backwards with a whoop of mirth, twirling to the side of William where he turned and ran.

“My potato!” Jensen shouted behind him with jealousy. The immortal looked forwards and saw before him the wide expanse of the training area. There were four dojo’s, and one gymnasium along with a corner area where a Chapel was erected. The gym had belonged to Tobias to teach people agility, one of the Dojo’s belonged to Ta’gaz, where the other three were general use. The knight found an open door to the closest dojo and decided to make a line for it, feeling the heat of the Revenant breath down his neck as William slammed aside any obstacle that was near him.

The inside of the dojo was filled with dozens of blue robed students, all learning the basics of combat. Several were in disciplined rows where they were punching and kicking in uniform to the commands of a leader, who Jensen observed and giggled loudly. “I got it, I got the-” Jensen’s mirth was short lived as a violent pain knocked into the back of his head. He tumbled forwards, body bouncing on the padded mats as the students all scattered in quick shouts. One voice called for order, but a defiant roar from William put the noise to rest.

“Give it to me, you insolent insect!” Jensen’s body ached as he rolled on the floor before coming to a halt at the feet of one of the students who looked to him with terrified eyes. The immortal let out a chuckle and stiffly punched the warrior in the gut, grabbing his shirt when he bent over in pain and tossed him before the demon as he quickly stood up. The Revenant slammed both fists into the side of the boy’s body, sending him flying into a stack of wooden weapons shattering the holder and breaking several tools of training as he stalked over to the immortal.

“Shit,” Jensen muttered as he began to shuffle his feet in his Caeiporiea stance, his breath becoming more labored as he fought. One look to the Revenant and he could see the man had yet to break his stride. Sensing the ebb in Jensen’s proverbial tide the demon grinned vilely reaching one hand out to grasp the immortal by the throat. Before Jensen had time to react something even swifter than even he moved forwards, foot clawing upwards in a strike that kicked the Captain’s hand away. Jensen could see the red strands of hair flowing behind her, barely catching up with her swift movements as Jensen grinned to see his fiancé standing before him. She did love Jensen! She did want him to eat the potato! She would wear an apron while nude in front of a fire place!

Jensen’s jaw shunted to the left with a snap, whimpering out a gleeful pain of mirth as the potato soared out of his hands. Stephanie’s enraged face looking to him with complete disregard for possibly shattering his jaw with her roundhouse kick.

“What the hell is wrong with you two?”

“Hey, I found the potato fight!” A voice called from out of the dojo, where a crowd of cheers echoed into the room. Stephanie’s face contorted in confusion, eyes narrowing as she eyed the foiled goodness in her eyes before she snarled realizing what was going on. Jensen lifted his hands up in apology, attempting to reason with his now irate soon to be wife.

“You ruined my training session for your stupid food!” Though it was a rhetorical question, the fact of the matter was she screamed so loudly it may as well have been a statement. Jensen felt his neck hair raise as William even paused, eyes narrowing upon the back of her head. Jensen had heard that Stephanie was one of the few people who could keep up with the Revenant, and the only thing she lacked was the strength to topple him, but William could barely keep up with her swift movements. Fitting as she based her fighting upon water.

With a stiff kick she launched the potato into the air where William’s hands goofily caught it, grin spreading from ear to ear. Jensen looked to her with eyes as wide as the moon as he let out a wail of anguish, feet moving forwards as he shoved Stephanie to the side. He leapt in the air, kicking William in the stomach with a primal scream as he snatched the nearly opened potato in the air where it was released from William’s grasp.

“MINE MINE MINE!” Jensen shouted in rage, turning to Stephanie and petting the potato. He could feel a heat wave come from behind him and ducked with a chuckle of glee as the Revenant’s fist flew outwards. Jensen laughed as he turned to stand next to Stephanie, but the look on the demon’s face gave him pause. Slowly he watched as the man’s lips parted in shock, a trembling fist held at the ready, if one could call it so. Jensen felt the room gasp as one as he felt all eyes shift as one, and the immortal slowly turned his to see Stephanie’s lip and nose bleeding as she was crumbled in a heap on the floor.

“Holy Thayne’s shit, Willie,” Jensen breathed. “You fucking clocked her! You clocked Stephanie!” William’s feet pounded the padded mat into the ground as he moved near her, watching as her chest rose up and down. “Dude, she’s gonna fucking kill us!” Jensen explained.

“Well if you didn’t prance around like a clown-”

“Oh so me dodging your fists is the reason this happened?”

“Well, yes, logically that is the reason! If you just sat still for once she wouldn’t have been hit!” William retaliated.

“Or maybe if you learned to look where your Neanderthal like knuckles are flying you’d not have this problem!” Jensen looked to Stephanie again and sighed in anguish, stroking Stephanie’s face. “Oh shit man, she’s gonna murder us.”

“I know,” William muttered. “If not her, then surly Ta’gaz once he finds out…maybe Sei too.” The way the demon mentioned Sei it seemed as if that was an afterthought that wasn’t really all that frightening. “Soup kitchen for us again.”

“Yeah, that’s all I see Sei doing…but shit dude, our balls are gonna get chopped off,“ Jensen said standing up. “Well, only one thing left to do before we die,”

“Yup.” William responded. They both looked to each other, nodded once, and then screamed in a high bitch roar as they William went to grab the immortal, Jensen letting out a bellow of laughter as he grabbed his foiled good and ran towards the exit of the dojo.

[Revenant]

He was Seth Dahlios. Lavinian Demon, Shadow Terror, Hex Ghoul, a dozen names which paled in comparison to the truth of a man who was ten times as deadly, and ten times as ferocious, as his various titles made him out to be. There were places in the world, dark, blighted places in which unholy abominations were the accepted norm, where his name was still whispered to frighten children into obedience. He had spent a long time fighting against that darkness, against the sweet whispers within his soul which cajoled him to come back into their pale, shadowy embrace. And truth be told he had succeeded, raising himself up through his own determined grit and the love he had come to know for his family. But every so often, every once in a long, long while, he succumbed to those dark urges curling within his breast like a moldering serpent. Every once in a while he let the demon out, and this was one of those times.

Sweat poured from beneath Seth’s bangs, soaking the tight bandana which he had twisted on for just that purpose. He spun and stepped with a speed and precision which was dazzling to the eye, his skill suck that he was little more than a blurry after image of where he had been only a moment before. Twin daggers flashed out from the ends of his twisting arms in the trademark Lavinian style for which he was so well known and which he had partially pioneered, deadly slashes of light which had spelled the end for countless men, women, beasts, and kings. And he was enjoying every minute of it.

As much as he claimed to be civilized, to be a reformed man on the right side of society, Seth knew the evil truth, and he knew if because the only time that he felt truly alive and carefree was when he was lost in the siren song of battle. And so he moved like a phantom, his blades nearly whistling as they cut the air so sharp and so clean, and he felt his exultation as his blood boiled. He was giving it his all, unleashing himself in the purest and most simple way her knew how, allowing the dance of death to flow from him in a perfect symphony of life and death.

Seth Dahlios has never felt so clear and free.

Ta’gaz was bored and contemplating what shade of varnish he should use to lacquer the new benches which William had so painstakingly crafted for him not long ago.

A yawn struggled to tear free from Ta’gaz’s through as the Ixian Knights resident fighting master stepped in time and parried Seth’s attacks. In any normal situation he would have simply taken his opponent down with a flurry of well-placed blows at the battle’s beginning but Sei had mumbled something to the stern-faced fighting master about how sad and emotional Seth was at the moment and that the thief really, really needed an outlet. Figuring that he hd signed up for this nonsense when he had joined the Ixian Knights, Ta’gaz complied, giving Seth the sparring partner that he so desperately needed to make “the sad” go away.

Still, Ta’gaz thought, ducking and spinning away from a horizontal-slash double-thrust, a theoretically uncounterable maneuver, I’d really like to get something productive done today. Just then, as if the very Sei-god himself was smiling down upon the Oracle of the Moon, a tinsel wrapped projectile hurtled into the dojo, accompanied by a comet-tail of grease and the most mouth-wateringly tantalizing scent imaginable.

Ta’gaz’s eyes opened a little wider, his inherent understanding of all things telling him exactly what chaos this precious meteor heralded and what it meant to his current state of ultimate boredom. Negligently, as if without thought or effort, Ta’gaz reached inside Seth’s guard and delivered a single flick of the ring finger to the Lavinian’s forehead, dumping the thief in an unconscious stupor at the fighting master’s feet before flash stepping across the room and delicately plucking the twice-baked potato from midair as her would a summer’s flow in full bloom.

“Mine, mine, mine, you Neanderthal,” Jensen’s laughing cry heralded his and William’s entrance into the dojo.

“You used that one dipshit,” William grunted back.

“I did?” Jensen asked, his face screwed in confused concentration as he looked over his shoulder at his rapidly approaching opponent, desperately pawing through the repertoire of insults which he had already gone through today.

“Back when I – helped – your woman get to sleep.” William prompted, a look of annoyance quickly crossing his face. “It was, like, thirty seconds ago.”

In reply Jensen merely stuck out his tongue, prompting another roar of anger from William as he lunged, tackling his smaller opponent and sending the combatants tumbling less-than-gracefully onto the dojo’s hard reed flooring. The two men kicked, bit, gouged, and swore at each other for a handful of seconds before a single “ahem” caught their attention, at which point both paled and looked up, then back at one another with widening eyes, then back up again.

Six steps away stood Ta’gaz, his frame an unwavering pillar of oak perched up on the toes of a single foot, the other tucked up and in to give the fighting master a handicap. Similarly, one arm was twisted behind his back, eyes were closed, head tilted back, and throat beared openly. And in the palm of his remaining, outstretched hand, the twice-baked potato.

“Shit,” Jensen whispered, breathlessly.

“Fuck,” William echoed.

“Shitfuck,” Jensen hissed, never one to let another take the final word.

“Shitfuck?” William asked, taking his eyes off Ta’gaz long enough to stare condescendingly at Jensen.

“Shitfuck,” Jansen nodded his affirmation, like it were the most solid point in reality.

“Dumbass,” William grunted, extricating himself from the tangled jumble that was Jensen and standing, his eyes locked warily on Ta’gaz.

“So,” he began, “I’m guessing there’s no chance you’ll just hand over the potato then?” In reply, Ta’gaz’s fingers curled towards him under the potato, inviting the two of his three star pupils in attendance to attack.

“”Ok, Willie,” Jensen kick-flipped up into a ready position, his body already moving in time with his capoeira beat. The slightest hint of a smile formed on Ta’Gaz’s face.

“William,” Jensen called out. “Plan delta-omega-epsilon-six.”

“What the hell does that mean you crazy, psycho …” Jensen cut William off, a feral screaming laugh tearing from his throat as he launched himself at Ta’gaz, only to stop half a foot later and unleash a veritable wall of sharp objects at his mentor. Taking cue, William leapt forward, his demon form assuming the front long enough to form and project an explosive ball of fire at the scarred mountain of muscle in front of them.

Ta’gaz made a tsking sound as he casually tossed the potato into the air, swished his hand like a knife through the air, knocking aside all of Jensen’s projectiles with a focused air wave, then projected a magma shot of his own to detonate William’s. “Pathetic,” he said, his smile souring. “I know I trained you both better than tha…”

This time, it was Ta’gaz’s turn to get cutoff as Jensen’s laughing, flaming torch of a body leapt through the center of the magma shot counter-explosion. Though he was heavily burned by the act, Jensen had timed his leap spectacularly to take the fighting master unawares enough to cause a momentary break in concentration.

Despite this, Ta’gaz easily flicked his toes and propelled himself over the hurtling Jensen-fire missile, reaching out to grab the now-falling potato, only to catch William’s side of the surprise attack. Using supernatural speed, the Revenant had sprinted to the bulkiest item in the dojo, which at this moment happened to be the unconscious Seth Dahlios, hefted it, and hurled it at Ta’gaz. Though he knew of a dozen wait to incapacitate the unconscious makeshift sack of mass hurtling towards him, none of them would allow him to retake the potato without ultimately being lethal. Cursing the fact that he was so gods-damned deadly, Ta’gaz grinned at his pupils, knowing that he had been outplayed, and caught Seth’s unconscious body at the same time that Jensen snatched the falling potato and sprinted from the dojo as if all of Haidia were at his heels.

“Gods damn it,” William roared, tearing after him again, nipping at the Knight of Apocalypse’s heels. “That’s my potato!”

Back in the dojo, Ta’gaz stood for a second, the lumpy body of Seth Dahlios cradled unceremoniously in his massive arms. It was a sweet scene, but it only lasted for a second before Ta’gaz dumped the body and headed for the pots of varnish he kept in the cabinet.