Restless (Solo)

[Jack Frost]

Dawn in what once was the town of Radasanth was a very powerful spiritual moment. Its rays were thought to cure the sicknesses of any kind with enough prayer. Every day Jack Winters rose from his bed and knelt by the window in his room and prayed in the morning sunlight. Twenty years earlier he would have mocked anyone for believing such a stupid idea, but a lot had changed. Twenty years ago he joined the disciples of N'Jal. He served them faithfully for ten years. For ten years he killed without second thought, he was a monster.

Then one day the disciples of N'Jal squared off with the Ixian knights, and Jack found himself fighting the mighty Sei Orlouge. The battle was of epic proportions, but the mystic won and made sure Jack would never commit evil again. He crippled his mind and made it impossible for him to use his ice magic.

The next ten years Jack limped through life as an observer of all of the fighting. The disciples and the knights waged an impossibly long war, wiping out both groups, and destroyed most of the political stability in the world. Radasanth was annihilated, a new town was built in its place. It had been ironically named Rapture.

As Jack prayed he recalled the rest of his life with a solemn sigh. So much had happened, so much to pray for.

[Jack Frost]

As Jack prayed a feeling of incredible calmness seemed to take over his body, and for a moment he seemed to be his old self, full of energy. He prayed for the usual things, the same things he had prayed for every day for the past ten years. He prayed for the safety of his comrade disciples of N'jal, if they still lived. He prayed for the return of the peace that existed before the war. Perhaps the most important thing he prayed for every day was the darkest of them all. He prayed for his life to end.

The problem was that Jack had no clue who or what he was praying to. At first he thought it was N'jal, but his prayers went unanswered. Then he started praying to other Thaynes, none of them had been answered. Soon after a while he just gave up and prayed to whatever majestic force had to be listening. However, so far it appeared that this deity was incredibly apathetic to it's one follower.

As Jack rose to his feet from another unanswered session of prayer the same aura of weariness that had taken hold of him returned. His teal eyes no longer glowed with the child like innocence they had once held, instead they exuded the attitude of a broken man. His silver hair no longer stood like icy spikes, but instead it was a tangled mess. His once proud, well built body now stood hunched over as if crippled by a non-existent blow. He wore black slacks and a black T-shirt, then shrouded himself in a somewhat warm black cloak that hung around his bony shoulders and hung at hip level. He was as thin as a skeleton, due to the lack of will to live. Jack wanted to die.

He shuffled across the small room he slept in and looked around. This room had served as his prison for the first three years after his encounter with the mystic. He had been broken to pieces, and here he had forced himself to put it all back together. There were only two pieces of furniture. One was a rather stiff bed that was large enough to fit two, but it had only had one person ever lie down on it. The other was a maple chair positioned in the furthest corner of the room from the door. The chair made Jack shiver, it had more memories attached to it.

Jack had sat in that chair, completely withdrawn into his own mind after his encounter with Sei. It was here his comrades came to visit him. He remembered their kind words of encouragement. He recalled all the love and support they had given him. It was here he had sat for so many years, unmoving, unthinking. He had spent three years of his life just sitting in that chair.

As he stood staring blankly at his room he took in everything he felt. His bare feet were slightly chilled by the cold wooden floor. The air around him was slightly chilly as well, which brought to mind that it was indeed winter. All around him the pale white walls seemed to laugh at him. Jack stood blankly wondering what he would do today. An idea hit him, but he had a lot to do before then. Perhaps it was time to answer his own prayers.

[Jack Frost]

Jack limped out of his room, entering a small, dimly lit hallway. He sighed and dragged his feet on the polished wood flooring, placing his hand on the wall to his right for support. His whole body protested the movement, his bones ached, his back strained, it was an incredible ordeal just to walk down the hall he was in. The walls were gray in the dimmed light, and were completely devoid of pictures or hanging fixtures. The wall was smooth to Jacks touch, made of a strange material the disciples had brought in for him.

This whole building had been constructed by the disciples as the war raged, and for a short time his comrades would use it as a safe house. Seed and Kurai had spent a brief amount of time hiding with Jack, but he hardly remembered it. He vaguely remembered other such instances, but they slipped through the enfeebled fingers of his mind. Rage boiled up inside Jack. Damn that silent Mystic he had fought! How dare he take the divine right to cripple Jacks mind! He had served as judge,jury, and executioner.

As he made it to the end of the hall he entered the only other room in his little home. It was a cozy room with a strange stove that always had a warm fire, and a comfortable chair set by the stove. The floor was again, polished wood. The walls were the same dim gray, and several rays of light bathed the room in a divine glow. It was a rather small room, but Jack didn't need the space.

He shuffled over to his chair and sat down by the fire, warming his hands by the stove. As he did so another thing that the mystic had taken from him crossed his mind. As he came to the realization he shivered. The monster had removed his aura. He growled as the warmth from the fire permeated his bones. Before such a comfort would not have existed. He had been a cold man, ice had ran in his blood. He could walk into a room and drop the temperature fifteen degrees. He could walk in a blizzard and not get chilly. He could walk through a desert and not burn.

Now he shivered at the slightest breeze, and found himself dependent of the fire before him. He scowled, then his face contorted into a grimace of rage. Before he knew exactly what he was doing he found himself holding back something else he had not felt before his fateful encounter. Sorrow. Tears began to stream down Jack's face as he suppressed a sob. He began to regret everything he had become, and everything he had done. He wished he could go back and stop himself, prevent this crippling loss. He would have traded anything at that point, anything for the pain to end.

[Jack Frost]

As Jack stewed in his own thoughts he heard the sound of his front door, which was conveniently located in front of him, open. He looked up and smiled slightly. Before him stood the closest person he had to a friend, a slightly tall brunette haired woman by the name of Emily. It was if a million candels were lit in his face. Emily was Jack's neighbor by the loosest meaning of the term. Jack's reclusive house was located over what was once Radasanth park, right over Sei's tomb. Emily lived just outside the park, and had met Jack on one of his rare walks outside his home. She was a pretty woman, around the age of 29. She had a slim figure, and wore a plain black dress that cut off at her knees. She had the most beautiful emerald eyes that Jack had ever seen. The most important trait about her was the fact that see could make Jack feel like life was worth living.

Her mother was a nurse, and her father had been a minor member of the disciples. She had heard from her father about Jack, and had purposefully gone looking for him. She was astounded by the damage the great Sei Orlouge had done to him. She instantly decided to start taking care of him. She would cook meals for Jack and eat with him. She would help keep the house clean, and when all the chores were done she would listen to some of Jack's grander adventures, although he would leave out the gruesome parts. Like the time he had been burnt alive in the citadel by her godfather, Seed Viscous.

She would listen intently, and ask questions as he continued. Today he told her about his adventures with her aunt, Fayne. She listened intently as he told of how he met her, and their adventures. As he spoke about his adventures his eyes lit up with the same youthful energy he received while praying. He smiled, remembering the good times. Perhaps the adventures he had were worth this punishment, after all he had lived a life twenty times more exciting than the normal people he knew.

As he spoke to her about his adventures he noticed how softly the light hit her, causing her brown hair to shimmer slightly in the sun. He slowed down his speaking as his eyes were drawn to her beautiful sparkling eyes as they reflected the sunlight, transforming them into two glittering emerald pools. He noticed all of these beautiful ideas, and then was forced to shoo away the thoughts that pursued after them. Emily was too young for him to think of her like that. Regardless of his age his current standing could not support the two if he asked for her hand in marriage. He noticed how when she sat cross-legged and how her dress raised up slightly to leave just enough to imagination. Jack stopped himself from his current train of thought, and then began to focus more on his story.

After he finished his story in the morning she made breakfast with some food she had brought over in a wicker basket. She scrambled a few eggs and cooked some bacon, a simple meal that she made for Jack every morning. It didn't matter to Jack that the eggs were bland, and the bacon was slightly charred. The simple gesture of her going out of her way to cook for him made the food taste wonderful. As she cooked the smell of bacon and eggs wafted through the house. It was a delicious scent that made Jacks mouth water with anticipation.

It was served on a warm plate she had brought, and Jack wolfed it down hungrily. The eggs were slightly salty, something Emily must have added this time around, and the bacon was still slightly charred, and had a smoky taste to it. It was all delicious, and Jack ate in absolute silence. When he finished he looked up and saw the worried expression on his companions face. "It was good" he said softly. She relaxed and smiled. "Thank you" he continued.

"I've been trying to learn new recipes for you sir," she said back smiling. Then her expression changed slightly, she perked up, as if remembering something. "Oh I got you something!" She said rising from her sitting position on the floor. She quickly ran to where she had set her stuff, and removed a small back cylinder from her basket. She pressed a button and in extended into a cane. Jack grinned with sheer delight at the sight of it. It was made of smooth, polished black wood. The grip was carved into a wolf, while the rest of the cane gleamed in the light.

"How thoughtful!" he exclaimed as she brought it to him. "I figured we could test it out this afternoon and take a walk." Emily said smiling. He emerald eyes glimmered with happiness. "Sure!" Jack said as she handed him the cane. He set it on the ground and leaned his weight on it, taking a few test steps. It made walking a lot easier. Perhaps life was indeed worth living...

[Jack Frost]

After breakfast Emily got to work with some other chores, she swept, she scrubbed the floors, dusted some of the furniture, and finally, went home for a slight break. As she left Jack returned to his chair and relaxed. She would go home and prepare lunch for the two of them, and possibly do a little work for her father, who was also wounded during the war.

While she was gone Jack had been lulled to sleep by the cold tendrils of boredom. As he began to dream his whole consciousness seemed to plunge into a far too familiar nightmare. He was standing in the dimly lit Radasanth park. Behind him the town was a burning heap, completely devastated by the battle that was taking place. Undead stood at his side, all armored in the garb of the disciples.

The silver haired Jack Winters scowled, cloaked in a black armor plated jacket and armor plated jeans. He wore large, clunky, furred boots that went up to his knees. The hood of his Jacket was furred with an arctic wolf pelt, and it was raised over his head concealing most of his facial features. His cold teal eyes scanned the area before him, surveying the freshly slain corpses stacked in a pile.

The site was incredibly gory, bodies lied without heads, intestines had been torn out of corpses, and some of the undead Jack had been leading were currently gnawing on some of the corpses. The were from the Ixian Knights, Jack had been assigned to lead his group of men to attack the knights from behind. So far his mission had been going perfectly. Good things never lasted long, Jack would learn this the hard way.

The general placed his right hand at the hilt of his blade, which was sheathed and strapped at his side. He unsheathed his blade, a long frosty katana made of Adamentium. He growled and began to stride forward, motioning for his troops to do the same. He was here to serve N'jal, he would do so without fail. Before he knew what had happened, all of his troops seemed to crumble to their knees. He turned and gasped, standing before him was the mighty Sei Orlouge.

He brandished his blade and charged, "By the name of N'jal! You will fall!" He roared angrily. He closed the gap between him and his opponent, and swung his blade an a downward arch, aiming to decapitate the mystic. The mystic easily blocked with one of his chakrams. He locked eyes with the mystic, who was mostly concealed from view in the darkness. All Jack remembered was the mystics bright orange hair. He stared at the mystic for a moment and then he felt an intense pain crushing through his skull.

He sank to the ground, dropping his blade. He heard the soft chuckle of the Mystic in his head. Then his whole mind exploded in sheer pain and agony. You shall remember this day forever, you shall never forget what has happened today. You're a monster, and I have stopped you. You shall never fight again! Jack screamed writhing in sheer pain.

He jerked awake in a cold sweat, Emily was standing over him with a concerned look on her face. "I'm fine." Jack said softly sitting up. His head ached slightly, recalling the intense pain he had suffered through. The brunette set a hand on his shoulder. "I brought you lunch..." she said softly. "Thank you..." Jack replied calmly leaning forward. "Perhaps we could eat outside?" he asked simply. "Sure." she replied.

[Jack Frost]

The two departed from Jack's house shortly after the cripple had awoken. The ex member of dissonance had exchanged his cloak for an old memory, his armor plated jacket. Over the years it had lost it's splendor and glory. He had the armor plating removed and sold, due to the lack of need for it. As he slid it on he could feel the memories of adventures and tragedies past begin to slide back into his mind. He felt the familiar burning sensation of being lit on fire and frowned at such a stupid mistake.

Emily shot him an inquisitive look, but Jack dismissed it and quickly pulled on his furred boots. He departed with Emily, cane in hand. As he limped forward he glanced around and sighed. The park had been ravaged by the battle, and what remained was a rather solemn place. Due to the lack of space several of the casualties from both sides had been buried in the park. Several ominous gravestones stood as grim reminders of the past.

He trudged along a beaten path and glanced at the names of the men he had probably killed. The feeling made Jack feel terrible. He stole a glance at Emily, who looked divine in the glowing light. As he glanced back to the path he took in the staggering starkness of the once jocund park. The grass was withered and dead, going from hat was once a vivid green, to a stark brown. The once blue sky was gray and cloudy. Ravens found perch in the gnarled branches of the the few trees left.

The two found their destination by the icy, dark waters of the once cheerful pond. Emily set down a blanket and then set out the food. Jack sat down next to the young woman and they ate. Emily had prepared sandwiches and dried fruit. The fruit was shriveled and barely recognizable in any way shape or form. It was slightly sweet though, and left Jack guessing exactly what it had been. The sandwiches were good, he was unable to discern what type of meat was used, but he assumed it was chicken. It was impossible for Jack to describe the taste, for he was not a chef.

When he had finished his food he sat in silence, listening to the silence of the park, broken only by the sound of the ravens cry, and the soft sound of Emily's chewing. Jack lied back and stared at the blank sky. He silently contemplated his life while his companion ate. When she finished she cast him a strange glance. A sad look crossed her face as she contemplated a dilemma of her own. She forced her problem to the back of her mind. For now she would enjoy her time with Jack. They sat in a separate peace, away from their problems.

It wouldn't last. Good things never do.

[Jack Frost]

They sat in relative silence for what seemed like hours. Ravens soared through the sky crowing in a stark tone. Jack found himself shivering, regardless of the warmth his jacket gave him. Something felt wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. Something was wrong. Jack didn't know it, but Emily was keeping a terrible secret. She would not be coming back the next day.

...
Two days earlier, at Emily's house...
Mr. Vladimir Fang, Emily's father, sat in a large, comfortable armchair. He was a weary, broken man. He had met a fate similar to Jack's. He too had confronted the mystic, but the mystic had been less forgiving. Vladimir had been known as the Impaler. He was known to impale corpses of his enemies and use them as banners of war. The mystic had crushed his mind far more than Jack's.

Emily had been nineteen when the troops carried her father into the house and set him on a couch. Her mother, a beautiful brunette haired woman with a slender frame knelt and wept by her husband. Emily and her mother had spent five years catering to his health. When he finally emerged from his coma his spirit was crushed.

Now he had barely been in a state of talking, but he knew of his daughters visits to his old comrade. The amount of time she spent with him concerned the old man though. His mind was shattered, but it had reformed enough to be suspicious. Jack had been quite the ladies man in Dissonance. His daughter would need to get married soon. Possibly to the few captains of Dissonance left. N'jals forces were going to rise again, and they needed strong members.

Emily would supply those strong members. She would make a fine wife for one of the captains. As he watched his daughter return from having dinner with her crippled companion. she looked incredibly happy. She would be even happier at his news. She strode forward to kiss her father on the cheek, then sat down on a chair beside her fathers. She leaned her head on her fathers shoulder and sighed. The room around them was dimly lit by a roaring fire lit in a regal fireplace.

the rest of the room was barely illuminated by the dancing flames. "Emily..." Vladimir croaked ruffling his daughters hair. She turned to look up at her father. His face was wrinkled and old, his lack of care had led him to grow a huge, bushy, gray beard. He wore a simple outfit. Black trousers, and a white shirt. "Yes?" she replied inquisitively.

"It's time we had a talk about your future." He said solemnly. "What about it father?" She asked innocently. "I think it's about time you got married..." The gruff old man said plainly. "WHAT!" Emily roared, rearing back from her father as if he were a deadly snake.

Vladimir frowned at his daughter. "I think you should get married to one of the few captains of Dissonance..." he began. The once perfectly behaved daughter back-handed her father. "I am not getting married to any of those men!" she roared. She had met the members of Dissonance before. They were nothing like the original members Jack spoke of. Jack's Dissonance was a merry band of darker individuals with a goal, with a purpose. The Dissonance of now was angrily obsessed with revenge and world domination.

Vladimir growled at his daughter. "What's wrong with them!" He roared angrily. He figured his daughter would be happy with the news. Her reaction had startled him greatly. "The Dissonance that is now is nothing more than a group of thugs and monsters. They are nothing like Jack Frost, or Kurai, or Seed! They were refined killers, they killed for a purpose greater than them. Your captains," she said pausing to add the sarcastic tone she had used when saying captains. "Are nothing more than thugs disguising their monstrous acts under the guise of a noble cause." Emily responded, turning and leaving the room.

Vladimir growled, "Fine then! But you won't live with in my house if you disregard my wishes! he roared after her.

That had been the end of the matter. Emily had to contact her aunt, Fayne, and she had stated she would come pick her up in three days. Today would be her last day with Jack. Or so she thought...

[Jack Frost]

Jack broke the silence with a simple question. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" He asked slightly grinning. Emily turned from her position lying back by Jack and looked at him with a strange group. "What?" She asked confused. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" he asked again.

Emily suppressed a laugh as she decided what to reply. She sat silently stewing it over. "Because they can both produce a few notes...although they are really flat." She said giggling. Jack chuckled softly, raising to his feet.

"It's getting a dark..." He said smiling. He began to limp forward, leaning on his cane for balance. "Let us return to my home..." He said slightly sad that the day had ended...

It seemed as the day had rushed by so quickly. As the two returned to his home they admired the gloomy scenery in a disturbing silence. When they returned Emily cooked dinner for Jack, a simple soup that was not noteworthy at all. It was warm and filling, and lacking in flavor. Jack thanked Emily, and they sat in an awkward silence, the room only illuminated by the dancing flames from Jack's stove.

Finally it was time for Emily to leave for the night, and she tearfully bid him farewell. She left without telling him that she would not return. She couldn't bear to see his pain. She made her way down the dark road, and found herself standing by her home.

All of her stuff had been packed away in a trunk that had been set outside the door. She plopped herself down on the trunk and sighed, waiting for her aunt to come pick her up. In the distance she heard the clicking of horse hooves on the cobble streets. She looked up and saw a carriage pull up in front of her. Five figure emerged from it, three of which she had met, the other two she recognized. He aunt Fayne and Godfather Seed greeted her, while her other god father Kurai grabbed her trunk. The other two were lord Lorenor, and the great Sei Orlouge. She opened her mouth to say something, but Seed silenced her.

"All questions will be answered later, we have one more person we need to pick up..." He said ominously.

[Jack Frost]

Jack sat in relative silence of his darkened living room. The eternal flames of his stove burned brightly as he began to dose off into a restless slumber.

...
Emily sat between Seed and Fayne, her two favorite "extended" family members. Across from he sat The great Lorenor, Grad Primus of N'jal. The giant undead man had lost what little hair he had, and his flesh was scarred up brutally from all of the fighting he had done. His eye sockets were empty, but glowed a dark purple that bathed the contents of the carriage with a sinister glow.

Beside the Grand Primus sat The mighty Silent Sei, the man responsible for crippling Jack. As far as she could see he was unrestrained, and sat comfortably next to his greatest enemy. He wore a simple outfit of black trousers and a white shirt, while his darker counterpart wore sinister black robes that seemed to be made out of flowing shadows.

The mystic's orange hair seemed to be graying, and his face was tired and exhausted. A quick glance to her Aunt and godfather revealed that they too, were incredibly tired. Her Aunt's purple hair was dull, and streaked with a bit of gray, and her normal scowl seemed incredibly tired. She kept her hand at her hip, where he sword was strapped. She wore what appeared to be an incredibly beaten up jacket, sleek leather trousers, and warm boots.

Seed was concealed from her view by the lack of light, and she was barely even to make out his silhouette in the purple glow. Kurai had chosen to ride up front with an undead carriage driver. A quick glance out the window revealed a moonlit view of the war graveyard. She shivered, thinking about how close they were to Jack's home.

Then they took a sudden turn, and they rode some more. For a few minutes the party sat in silence. Then right as Emily was about to ask what they were doing the carriage stopped.

"We're here!" Kurai yelled over his shoulder. Lorenor and Sei Orlouge perked up and left the carriage. Emily turned to look out the door and stared in horror at where they were heading. Several feet ahead of the exit was Jack's home. The two leaders of the most devastating war in history were walking intently towards the front door.

Emily opened her mouth to speak but her Aunt, Fayne, silenced her. "All in due time..." she muttered caressing the hilt of her enchanted blade.

[Jack Frost]

Lorenor and Sei opened Jack's door silently, and entered his home. The Grand Primus strode forward, stopping right in front of the slumbering Jack Frost. He chuckled slightly, gazing at the broken fondly. He had been a great general for Dissonance, and the world needed his skills again.

He raised his right hand and nudged Jack slightly. The cripple stirred slightly and found another comfortable spot. "Jack Winters..." Lorenor growled nudging him again. "Bleeeh" Jack groaned. "Damnit boy wake up!" Lorenor roared shaking Jack violently. Jack had long since outgrown the title 'boy' but he still opened his right eye to peer at who was disturbing his rest. He abruptly sat up.

"Milord!" He exclaimed rising to his feet. Then his eyes fell on Sei Orlouge. His face transformed into a mask of fear. "What are you?..." He asked and paused as the Mystic stepped towards him. "Jack..." Lorenor said ominously. "The world needs a new leading force, we need a new set of champions. The world needs you Jack. The world needs Mr. Orlouge, they need his leftover members of the Ixian knights. They need the higher ranked members of Dissonance. The world needs balance, you are needed to reinstate this balance."

He paused and let this sink in. "Now then, If you would Sei?" He asked in an ominous voice. The mystic nodded and turned to stare at Jack. The cripple backed away from the mystic. He felt the mystic attack his mind, digging into the deepest recesses of his mind. It was like having a sledgehammer driven into his skull.

...
Jack screamed in pain sitting up, alerting everyone in the infirmary to the fact that he had awoken. Kurai and Seed sipped on frothy milk based drinks that Joshua Cronen had bought for them. "Heya Frosty!" Seed exclaimed holding up a full glass. "Our opponent bought these for us!" he said handing it to the newly awoken Jack.

He sighed with relief and sipped the cool, chocolaty drink. "It had been a dream. Just a dream."

[Jack Frost]

Spoils:
One evil chocolate milkshake bought bought by Joshua Cronen as OOcly promised for fighting him.

[Max Dirks]

I know you requested Zerith, Jack, but you're going to have to deal with me on this one.

Story: 5/10

Continuity: 4/10

Setting: 5/10 (Vivid imagery, but I had to read your conclusion twice to determine exactly what time frame the dream occurred in (i.e. in the future or in the past). Remember, unclear writing can negatively affect all parts of the judgment!)

Creativity: 4/10 (Some of the foreshadowing you used, particularly given it occurred within a dream, was over the top. As a general rule of thumb never use omnipresent foreshadowing outside of an omnipresent narration (i.e. no more "Or so she thought..."). Good foreshadowing when writing from Jack's perspective might include physical observations ("Emily seemed uncomfortable" or "Emily brought a different bag with her."). Good foreshadowing when writing from Emily's perspective might include direct actions ("She would be leaving him, that is, until she received a strange visit," which is fundamentally the same as "Or so she thought.").

Character: 7/10 (Broken, confused, and forced to embrace habit--just what I'd expect from a person who's mind had been broken. This was your strongest category by far.)

Interaction: 4/10 (I realize there was a dynamic between Emily and Jack, but given the tone you set for the thread (darker, with shades of confusion) I thought the dialogue between the two characters was too "chipper." I appreciated the occasional awkward silence between the two, but the rest was unbelievable. Recall the line, "Oh I got you something!" in post 4. Based on the time frame you set, Emily would already know she was leaving. Watch how the addition of a small bit of prose can foreshadow and maintain your tone. "Oh, I got you something, Jack..." Emily said sounding surprisingly lethargic. She walked over to her pouch and grabbed a small cylinder. "It's a cane," she continued. She pressed a button and the cylinder expanded into a full walking stick. "Here." Jack reached forward to take the cane, but Emily hesitated. She looked at Jack with troubled eyes. "Oh sorry," she finally said, handing the cane to the cripple.")

Strategy: 4/10

Mechanics: 5/10 (Small spelling errors and some usage errors. New dialogue should be separated by a new line.)

Clarity: 3/10 (This is your biggest area of improvement. You need to use actions to show the reader how your character feels rather than outright telling them. Why hint at an aura of weakness if you can outright show the reader that "His teal eyes no longer glowed with the child like innocence they had once held, instead they exuded the attitude of a broken man." That line makes the one right before it unnecessary and it's much better at conveying the overall tone of the thread! I would also mix up your word choice a bit. Not only are the same words used several times to describe different things in a single post, some unimportant lines (for example, "Sei crippled his mind") are repeated throughout different posts. Don't misunderstand, this isn't an invitation to use adverbs excessively, but if "the room" is the subject of the previous sentence, just refer to it as "it" in the next one!)

Wildcard: 5/10

Total: 46/100

Jack Frost receives 506 EXP, 200 GP, and milkshakes on number's tab.

[Breaker]

EXP / GP Added.