could I get a little feedback?

[Jack Frost]

I just posted a thread Here (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?22319-Restless-%28Solo%29&p=179773#post179773) and I got a few comments saying it was one of my best threads. I would like to get a little feedback from the community on things I could change, errors I have made grammatically, and just general comments on what you like/dislike. I would also love if I got feedback from either past judges, or current judges.

Let the commenting begin....

[Hysteria]

is there a reason you don't want to finish it and have it judged as a workshop thread?

[Jack Frost]

Full rubric judging is my primary source of "expert" input. I figured that at this point I could fix anything brought up because I have no clue if I can edit stuff in during the workshop. I could get the opinion if the masses as I write, and fix any mistakes they find that I didn't catch.

[Knave]

You can, I have, the thread is never locked until it has been officially judged and archived.

[Elochai]

I'd be glad to give you some feedback, Jack; I think this is an excellent idea. Once a thread is over, at least on my part, I generally want nothing more to do with it until it gets judged, so I think it's great to try and fix things as you go. There's always room for adaptability, right?
Anyways, I'll be going post-by-post, so bear with me.

First Post
- First thing I noticed was the apostrophe in "It's" in the second sentence. Get rid of that apostrophe; to make a possessive "its" it requires no apostrophe. "It's" simply stands for "it is", and saying "it is rays" does not make any sense there.
- Second thing I noticed is that you're using the actual numbers instead of writing them out. The judges don't like that. Change "20" to "twenty", and so on and so forth.
- You said in your post that while twenty years ago he would have mocked someone for doing that same act, he also joined N'jal twenty years ago. The statements sound somewhat conflicting, as if because he joined the cult of N'jal that he would have mocked someone for doing what he did.
- I would personally change "epic" to some other word. But that's me.
- I can see that this is liquid timed to some point in the future, to what seems to be an alternate line-up for Radasanth. While it has got a good kick, I would try expanding more on this ideal, giving more depth and character to the situation Jack seems to be in. Right now, in your first post, you're giving little other than some setting & continuity.

I'll stop right there since it is getting late, and leave you to think on what I said.