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Eyesaflame
02-11-11, 03:46 PM
Name: Lochaneich D'minre
Age: 22
Race: appears human, though half demon
Hair Color: black
Eye Color: hazel
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 150 lb



Occupation: Was enlisted in the Salvaric army, but has deserted due to troubling
insights into his past. Now wanders alone, earning food and shelter however he can.



Personality: Constantly at a moral war with himself and his demonic half, he speaks to
others only enough to communicate what is necessary. He has good intentions, often
helping people with no thoughts of a reward.
He wants power, but knows that if he had it he would be a tyrant, and unable to live with
himself; his own worst enemy.
Reluctant to hurt others, but with a sadistic streak that he does not understand.



Appearance: Of middle height and size, he wears a large cloak which hides most of his
distinguishing dimensions.
After military training his stance is seen as arrogant by many.
His face is almost handsome, but he has had a thick scar cutting through his left eyebrow
down to his jawline, appearing to continue underneath his eye, since he can remember.
Normal people only see a man of average size and ability, adept magic users can see his
demonic aura.
Very pale skin, he easily becomes sunburnt, and as consequence wears a full cloak
whenever possible (during a confrontation he does remove it to allow better mobility)



Skills: a proficient hand-to-hand fighter as per military training, he is able to hold his own
in many fights, though a career fighter would best him easily.
Has military knowledge of sword-craft, though he is by no means a master of it.
An excellent knife fighter, practiced during his childhood on the streets, and enhanced by his
military training, he prefers two steel daggers to the longer reach of a sword or a spear.
Adept at reading others' intentions, he rarely is swindled, or cheated, and often
receives fair treatment in trades and bargains.
His eyesight is weaker than a normal human's in the sunlight, though at night he has
perfect vision.
His life on the streets made him quite adept at finding places to hide, and not reluctant to
break in to places he deems uninhabited. He is an adept pickpocket and lightfinger(eg.
stealing food from a market stall), despite wearing heavy gloves, though attentive victims
usually stop him. He can pick some locks, but he lacks the tools to do so.



Abilities:
Demonic transformation (level 0)- Unable to control when it happens as of now, his
muscle and bone density increase by 10%, making him less susceptible to blunt-force
injuries, and that much stronger.

During the change he becomes nearly blind in sunlight, but his night vision doubles.
Conscious control of his actions is nearly impossible, he instinctively seeks shadows, and
will attack anything thought to be a threat, though only with his bare hands.

He gains a
sick sense of humor, laughing at things that would disgust him normally, and finding
pleasure in inflicting pain.

Visually noticeable changes include his eyes becoming luminescent green, with no
distinguishable iris or pupil; his skin becomes paler, almost transparent, and exposes the
shapes of his musculature underneath; size does not increase.

His sensitivity to sunlight increases, with visible rashes appearing within minutes of
exposure to it.


Regeneration (level 0)- heals appx. four times faster than normal man while in full human
form, that doubles when transformed. Eg, a broken arm which would take 4 months to
heal only takes him 1, minor cuts and bruises dissipating within hours, with greater flesh
injuries taking up to 2-3 weeks, a twisted ankle healed in a day; all of these times cut in
half while transformed.


Detect eyes (level 0)- The ability to know when someone is focusing their eyes on him, as
well as being able to locate their general vicinity. In demonic form he is able to tell
exactly where they are.



Equipment: Light leather armor and a thick cloak, he has hardened leather gauntlets with
steel reinforcement for close combat, and carries identical twin daggers issued to him by
the military. Steel reinforced leather boots make sprinting difficult, though 6 years of
training with them, as well as his demonic ancestry give him enough stamina to wear
them constantly.


Familiars: though Loch is the only one able to sense it, his demonic half is almost a
separate entity and occasionally communicates with him. Not sure if this counts as a
“companion”, it is still his only prolonged social interaction.


A bit of history:
Growing up in the slums of Salvar, Loch never knew his father, and his mother spoke
nothing of the man. She taught him the basics of morality, and to always put the
well-being of others over his own.

Orphaned at the age of 11 by disease, he begins a life of petty crime in order to survive,
and has excellent thieving abilities, though this is not something he divulges to those
around him.
Enlisting in the military at the age of 16, he quickly adapts to the lifestyle, seeing it as
near-luxurious compared to his old ways. He keeps this to himself.

Six years into this life Loch meets an entity claiming to know who--and what his father
was.
Soon after acquiring this knowledge he begins exhibiting signs of demonic heritage:
falling from heights that would have killed a normal man, and walking away with only a
few bruises, healing by morning; becoming enraged with a drunk in a tavern and
punching completely through the man's head and breaking the wall on the other side, all
without a single lasting injury to his hand; knowing when someone is looking at him, and
able to identify where they are.

Terrified by what he could do to people, he leaves, and cuts himself off from the few
friends he had before, now completely alone in the world, he wanders between villages,
traveling away from the city where he has lived his entire life.




Is this better?
-Logan

Breaker
02-11-11, 05:15 PM
Welcome (back?) to Althanas! There's a few changes you'll need to make to your profile before I can approve it for roleplaying.

Loch's eyesight modification doesn't need to be listed in skills, since it is covered in abilities. I'd like it if you re-worked the way you describe your skills, and add more details. Saying he is "adept at remaining unseen and an excellent thief" is too vague to really tell me anything. Instead think about what specific skills allow him to do those things (Stealth, camouflage, disguise, pickpocketing, lockpicking) you can have as many skills as you want so don't be afraid of over describing them.

For your abilities on the other hand, I'm going to ask the opposite. Right now you have too many powerful sounding abilities, so please be patient it may take us a bit of back and forth to work this out.

Firstly please separate individual abilities by extra line breaks (hit enter twice) so they are easier to read/differentiate.

Demonic Transformation - the description of this ability must include precise measurements of how it improves Loch's physical traits (you can generally have from 1.5x-2x that of a normal human at level 0). Also it would be best for you to pick one trait that this improves for now (strength, speed, and fortitude seem to be listed at present).

Regeneration - what you have is probably fine, but please add an approximation of how fast some generic wounds would heal so we have a reference point.

Detect Eyes - this is a really cool ability, but I'd like you to take out the part about being able to sense when someone is thinking of him. That suggests powerful telepathy and changes the ability too much. Also please edit the rest of the ability to reflect that.

This is an excellent profile, otherwise. My advice (since you asked how to improve it) would be that after making the changes I've suggested, you take ten minutes and clean it up a bit. Use some VB code tags, or at least proper paragraph spacing to make this more agreeable to the eyes. This not only will encourage others to read it, it will also make it easier for you to add new abilities and get approved faster at level ups.

Post here once you've edited to let me know, and with any questions you may have.

Eyesaflame
02-12-11, 02:13 AM
Welcome (back?) to Althanas!

Loch's eyesight modification doesn't need to be listed in skills, since it is covered in abilities.

For your abilities on the other hand, I'm going to ask the opposite. Right now you have too many powerful sounding abilities, so please be patient it may take us a bit of back and forth to work this out.

Thank you, I never posted on the "old" boards beyond having a character page submitted and approved, as well as one venture to teh market :p, though i did enjoy reading many posts made by others.


The part under abilities covers his eyesight change during transformation. I listed it under skills because normally his vision is about 14/20 during daylight, but 20/20 at night. The change to it during transformation makes it around 2/20 during daylight, and much like an elf's daytime vision at night. I did edit it to make this more clear.


would it be easier if the transformation was cut out for now? I do think that this would be the defining part of this character, as he wears light armor and carries few weapons, and is little more than a soldier without it, but if needed it could wait until the next level, or even further down the road.

Logan

Breaker
02-12-11, 12:07 PM
Great job, this looks much better now. There's no need to remove demonic transformation... I agree it is important. Instead Id recommend reducing 50% to 10% for now. That way the ability doesn't have to change much, and it will be easy to improve it at your next level up.

Eyesaflame
02-13-11, 10:14 AM
I've made the changes you suggested. Is there anything else to take care of?

-Logan

Breaker
02-13-11, 02:05 PM
Looks like you're ready, approved. Enjoy Althanas.