Symbiosis
07-04-11, 11:58 PM
Well, you do me a favor the least I can do is pay it back.
THE WANDERER’S GREATEST CHALLENGE!
A name like that screams to me that this is going to be a story all about my favorite category on Althanas as a whole: Character. I can stomach even the worst of stories so long as I like the character! And I was right, because this story was about Sheex Deltin, boy wanderer, turning into Sheex Deltin, not so boy wanderer. (the boy part was a joke, you know. Batman and Robin? Get it? Back to your review…)
Now, before we get into the nitty gritty details, the dirty deeds and the way I flow, I want you to know how I plan to attack this beast of a story. The best way is to just judge this as if I was a judge. Clearly, I’m NOT a judge, so I want you to take what you want from this and ignore the rest. Simple no?
Story: Wait, you mean the Wanderer’s greatest challenge wasn’t about hunting for a sword of cursed power? And why in gods name is their a lack of demons? Huh? Guess that means your plot is rather simple then. A love story, psshh, get off the site with that garbage! Far to simple for my tastes!
….But it’s not that simple. There is something about this thread that has an element most writer’s on this website don’t get. The Hero’s journey. Sheex Deltin has the comeuppance all adventurers, epic or not, must face: The very real choice of when to end it all. I gathered from Sheex through his bar patrons, his story time with Guy, and personal reflection that he’s done much in his life. Hell he’s saved a princess, quashed a goblin rebellion, and even managed to escape an Island being torched by thousands of dragons. Whether Sheex is or is not epic, the things he’s done IS EPIC.
The intent of the way I see your plot focuses more on Sheex’s choice, not love, not Nami, not Guy, nor the court trial, but the decision to say “my wandering days are over.” This is actually a rather interesting hook, and the story takes a far more interesting turn.
I started reading the story, slowly getting more and more enamored with the antics of Sheex and the town of Irenes. I got excited to read new posts, and would stay up (well past the time I should) just to re-read a few posts back to get caught up when their’s been a hiatus on your posting. I followed every detail you wrote, and pondered what I would do if I was in similar situations. This to me means that I enjoyed the story, because I started to get personally involved. I may not have done everything Sheex did, hell I’ll be honest: I’ll admit I don’t think I’d have had the courage/care to save a screaming girl in the middle of the night. Does this surprise you? It’s not as easy a choice as people make it out to be. I’d like to think I’m the kind of guy who would step up like Sheex did and right the wrong, but it’s all about situations and that’s a different conversation for a different day. This is, however, a mark of a good story.
However, you requested the bad as well.I’m not going to say anything you did was wrong. As an author you’re the one to tell the reader what is considered right. However, I have opinions just like any other reader does, and this is my thoughts on how I may have done things differently.
FAR be it from me to tell you a story is perhaps a bit too long, but I think the story is, well, a bit too long. Though everything you did had a purpose to set up the climax, it got a bit long winded. I understand you enjoyed writing with Sheex and coming up with clever ways to tempt him one and another about his big choice, but it started to drag along towards the end. Thankfully this feeling was only for two posts or so, so no real harm done. However, you do have a tendency to write up five page posts. Dear god that’s a lot! It’s just so much to take in at one time. Hmm….think of it this way: You read a large post like that, lots of character action, whatever fits the bill. Now I need time to digest that, but I have no time because here it comes again! Wow! Really cool, back to back heavy handed character and action, need a break, HOLY SHIT, more incoming!
It gets to be a tad bit much at times. A small breather is needed in order to give the reader a solid chance to appreciate the things you set up like foreshadowing, or time to accept the huge changes you made like killing off a character.
Maybe the order of operations had something to do with it, considering the fight was before the dance, and you had a death so early in the thread. I dunno, but the big rising action of the dance just seemed sidelined and not as important after Sheex got into a fist fight. Like at that point you were cramming it down the reader’s throat that these two are RETARDED meant for each other, well we caught that pretty quick after Sheex got into the fight. Who knows, maybe I’m crazy, I write a serial killer after all.
Hey, do I follow my own advice? No. Take what you need and move on.
Ouu, and now to the second part of my criticism, which thankfully there aren‘t much.. This is a story about Sheex, and the plot tells me so, but the number of sub plots going on requires a flow chart and an expert navigator. The plot with Nami, the plot with Lelia, the plot with Bobby, Lelila’s plot with Cecelia, the plot with the trail, wait, the trial was the main plot, right? Huh. You introduced so many little sub plots to help with the main, but they get distracting. This is about Sheex’s choice, not Nami’s best day ever, or Lelia’s last chance at true love. Sure, everything lynchpins on Sheex’s choice, so at least they all tie together, but it still is just a lot to me.
Story as a whole: I’d rate 8 out of ten.
Continuity: Now here’s a score that pretty much is going to kill yours. Did this at all tie in with Althanas? To be honest, not even close. Not even a bit. Not even a small hiccup. You mentioned you were on the planet, that was all. How close is Irenes to a major city? Is it on the continent of Salvar? Is it north of Berevar? Could it be thirty leagues on an island past Fallien? Does news about the war with Corone reach the papers? I suppose in a way these things are trivial, so it’s really easy to just slip them in. Sheex’s been around, how hard is it for him to discuss the distance?
Want my opinion? Fuck continuity. So long as this continues the saga of Sheex Deltin, who the hell cares what planet it’s on. You scored a 0, and I salute you for it!
Setting: You suffer the same problem I do. At some points, I get a good idea where you are, the sight of the Hope family residence, the bar, but other places…eh, not so much. Like when you spilled the fight out of the bar. Were you in a residential zone? Where the hell was the town guard? Any people watching? Was there a small hole filled with water? Was the grass green? Did they fight on the dirt? And who’s spoon was that?
A million in one questions, and not a single answer in a lot of circumstances. I get that Irenes is a small town, but sometimes I wonder how small. Is it like, a small ten house community? Or is it fifty houses? Were they in the lower, “common area” or the upper elite area? Irenes had at best only a quarter painted picture, and I know you got the rest penciled in SOMEWHERE, take advantage of your creation. If you’re not going to play in the world set fo ryou, you need to give the reader the playground’s layout and show me all the goodies inside your concoctions! I want to know more! Show, don’t…not show? Yeah….not show!
You’de score with me a 5, because I can tell you tried, even with some lackluster areas. It’s cool, I suck at this category too. (I think I average 4’s…so TAKE THIS advice, with a grain of salt.)
Creativity: Now this is a score that I’d think you’d excel in. In some ways you really did. First off, you played every piece in the story well, as each one added the right flavor to Sheex. You had brooding Bobby, gentle giant Gietzs, and seductive slutty Leila. You created an interesting conundrum for Sheex in the form of the trial, an airtight legal situation that couldn’t be done better myself (Though several people may have umbridge with it, it’s a fucking story, get over the technicalities peeps!) So really, you had a lot of potential for the creativity in the situations you put Sheex up in.
And with that said, you created a doubled edge sword. These powerful pieces were used to showcase Sheex, but in the end they really hurt you because everything started to become predictable. I hate to say it, but the plot was Sheex’s choice, and by the time Sheex saved Nami and promised never to leave her, it was a done deal. I knew Sheex wouldn’t leave this family. That really hurts in terms of the story to know how it’s going to end, and everything sort of fell into place. This started to actually make the character’s lose their uniqueness, which was what helped you so much. Every trial Sheex faced was easily overcome.
This brings me to the ONE part of the story I just couldn’t accept. I like Nami, she’s cute and everything a sane parent would want in their daughter. But the situation in how Sheex had her enter his life is not something I can just gloss over. A man DIED, and more so in a little town, I think Sheex got off way to easily. He sweated, but that was it. I understand the family stood up for him, but…really? I can’t think of the guards just saying, oh well, and washing their hands of the murder.
Now, I totally get the man was a bastard. He NEEDED to die, because even I wanted to kill him. But it was a situation that resolved itself in a few short paragraphs. It just doesn’t settle well with me. I can accept many a thing because this is a fictional story, and I can suspense my disbelief to a large point, but even this really hurt me. I couldn’t understand why the guards just gave up so easily.
Hey, it’s your story, and I know that Sheex as a character will be haunted by this event for the rest of his life, the fact that even to a man he knows deserved his fate still traumatizes him shows at least he has a conscious. How many people on Althanas are killed a day without even an iota of care? I commend your writing skills to show me that Sheex has a heart, but the resulting conclusion to the matter seems really…off. Perhaps if Bobby had given him a harder time, maybe use it against Sheex to try and steal Leila for himself a new angle to the story could have been told.
Again, did what you do there constitute as wrong? Hell no, I’m just offering what I would have done/liked to see.
Creativity: 7
Character: Every character in this story shined in their own ways. Nami was a girl who needed a real father, Guy was a boy who needed, uh…a real father, and Lelia was a woman who needed a real lover. Each and every NPC felt like they had a soul, and were not introduced for the sake of filling in the gaps. The cronies of Bobby even had a bit of heart to them, to stand next to their buddy even though he’s clearly a douche. I could envision them with that half scared, half excited look at the thrill of getting a buddies back in a bar fight. I should know, had the situation come up rather recently at a local bar.
Nobody was flat, everyone had spunk in their way. But this again also hurt you. I feel like I want to give you a ten, and at the same time a rather bland 5. You wrote each character to a point where they became Clich’e. The allure of each character swiftly wore off as that shiney new NPC smell wafted away in a stagnate, ‘Yep, that’s exactly what I thought he’d do…’ I hate to say this, I really do, but Nami is the WORST offender. She’s so damn cute it gets to a point where it’s distracting, and there was only ONE point where she’s actually annoying. She’s just so care free after watching her real father die and the good guy saving the day. Mental trauma, of course, but at the same time it’s swept under the rug. And everyone plays the part they are assigned to a T with no breaking of the mold.
The exception to this rule is Guy. That child, above all others, keeps himself interesting and fresh as he’s fleshed out, but only so far. His natural distrust of men around his mother was clear, and as he warmed to the idea of Sheex staying you see more hints of life, without losing the mystique. When Sheex is revealed not to be the father, you do an awesome job of showing him acting like the man of the house again, comforting his mother and letting her no she very well have to accept that he’s gone. He never felt bland to me, and I love him the most out of the newly formed Deltin Troupe.
Oh and Sheex. He’s obviously exempt from all that.
My advice is to tone down the characters. Not every single person has to have the cult of personality to carry a story on their own. When it’s Sheex one on one this score is a ten, but when several of the characters get introduced their’s so much going around that it’s not possible to get a good feel for any of them and let the main character shine.
To that my good sir, take a grain of salt.
Character: 8
Interaction: The rubric gives me a definition that sorta makes no sense. So I guess it’s how you interact with the world around you. You talk. A lot. You have several posts that go like this.
“Hey Bob.”
“Hey Dude.”
“Bout that time.”
“Righto!”
Huh? Who is saying what? I got lost so many times that I had to start the conversation all over again not to lose track. You, like me, carry a lot of the posts with dialogue and you have nothing to break it up. Sometimes you go back and forth without even giving me character reactions. I can’t advertise this, as I’ve been accused of it myself, but I think if you do a bit less talking the talk, and walking the walk you’ll find a happier balance and a greater joy with Sheex. Reading your other works I can see the improvements, but it’s still there. I haven’t read many books that read like that, and I’m sure you haven’t either. Cut the chatter.
Again, I’m just as guilty as you, so let’s buddy up with a character of yours and work on it together.
Now, that’s a lot of negative nancy, so let’s give you a boost. The conversations you have, while many, are ALL INTERESTING. You give me very real sentences that these people would say, they don’t just talk, they interact when they do. It’s an amazing feat to pull off, as to me Dialouge in books can sometimes go flat. You find a happy medium, and you’re in JC in no time.
Interaction: 6
Strategy: This category is weird. So let’s roll with it!
Your use of the coin was a great way to trap Sheex in situations that seemed out of his character to be part of. Your use of it throughout the story helps to build the rising action, and the final flip at the end was a great tool to show Sheex has grown. Sheex’s plethora of witty one liners and sexual puns is not just a funny thing, but a useful creative device to snare readers into falling for the guy. He’s likable. Anyone would want to get a beer with the man, and it’s the carefully dropped phrases that make that so. You don’t go nuts with them like other characters on the site. You got a tasteful sprinkling.
Problem is, these can’t carry you forever. The coin was used three times I reflected, which was the perfect number. Sheex’s wit was used in the correct settings, but after that you got nothing. I can’t think of any other strategies I suppose you used. Maybe that’s why this category bothers me, because if you aren’t in a battle It’s hard to find.
Strategy: 6. I give you this because a five doesn’t seem fair.
Mechanics: I refuse on principle to talk about this category. If I can’t score a ten, I shouldn’t be offering advise or critiquing it when it comes to this category. AND I THINK ALL JUDGES SHOULD FOLLOW THAT (looking at you, Althanas!)
Mechanics: 7
Clarity: Ah, now remember interactions beef? This is where it hurt you the most. Rereading for clarity is just no fun, and I’d never lower a score for doing it maybe once of twice, but I’ve stopped reading whole posts just to go back and clear up what the hell was going on. The fight is the best example. It just confused me as to what was going on. Perhaps some citadel experience will help you. (Not with Sheex, obviously, but I suspect you have more than one character who’d be willing to give it a go.)
Your events had an illogical order to them as well. Now before you ask, this is all just an opinion, so if I were a true judge I wouldn’t dock you because you shouldn’t do that. I mentioned it earlier, so just recap there and that’s what I meant.
Clarity: 6
Wildcard: HA, I get to just randomly assign numbers because I can! Well, I’d give you a ten. Why? Because deep down, your story made me realize things about myself, and no matter what grudges I had, I read it and enjoyed it. I could feel the energy you put into it, and that is all I’d ever ask from someone on this site. It’s a shame because some judges don’t do that. They robotically assimilate your work and don’t look at the effort you put in. Sheex Deltin grew, he grew to epic bar tender level. You don’t fuck with a bar tender.
Wildcard: 10
Total: 63 (It’s the continuity that killed you!)
Hey, you know what I think? I think that number’s low.
Total in my Heart: 75. It’s there, it’s a great read, and a good story, but there are some elements that truly stop it from being a Judge’s Choice. I only ever wrote two, and one of them to me doesn’t feel like it should be there. I know you can write one, and I look forward to reading such a story one day.
So here’s my final thoughts.
I enjoyed this story. I am happy to have read it. I would want my friends to read it. For all the problems I found, I found a plethora of better treasures! Thank YOU sir, for the pleasure of allowing me to enjoy your works.
And because I can…
http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll216/Tails214/happy-face-770659.png?t=1242066269
How's that for random?
The International
08-04-11, 08:19 PM
Review for Wanderer’s Greatest Challenge
If it’s alright with you I’m going to use a condensed rubric and summarize my notes. I do so because I got the impression from your judging request that you just wanted me to focus on the main points of interest. If you need further details feel free to PM me or catch me on AIM at constellationclt. Now on to the review… this was great.
Plot Construction 22 /30
As a Neal Stephenson fan I have no problem for lengthy stories. In fact length, in terms of words used has nothing to do with whether or not a story feels long to a reader. It’s the balance of the three act structure that makes you either wish for more or cringe with every word you force yourself to read. You dealt with Act 1 very well. You took time to establish the setting, but there was something you did on the first couple of posts that I would have liked to have seen in the rest of the story. You established the setting through action and dialogue. While you still did this for the most part through the rest of the story there were times when you could have kept the story going. What I like is that you really did make this Sheex’s greatest challenge (in more ways than one but I’ll address that later). You seemed to push him to his limit, and yourself to the limit as well. Act 2 / The Sagging Middle as some call it, is where we run into some road bumps. I began to become numb to the steady stream of miniature disasters you threw Sheex’s way, which properly guarded against the sag, but also became a bit of a sag. Act 3 would have been fine if it weren’t for Act 2.
I also see several opportunities for breaking this one quest into at least three. Some aspects were glossed over that should have been focused on, such as MUUUUUURDER
Characterisation 20 /30
Let’s talk about Continuity and how you managed to wow me and piss me off all at the same time. You wowed me by excelling so much in Character continuity. Sheex is a complex individual with a past. He has loved ones, he’s on a journey (well… not anymore) and he’s got an AMAZING sense of humor. By god I was laughing my ass off reading some of these posts. A lot of people take comedy in Fantasy for granted and feel like it’s unnecessary, but it actually helps break the ice and bring the reader into your world. Here’s where you pissed me off (and I mean this humorously). We need you in Althanas proper. Find some disaster, some life changing event that gets Deltin’s ass in Corone, Raiaera, Alerar, Salvar anywhere in the main Althanas regions, and start gracing Althanas lore with this guy. He’s too cool to have cooped up in the Outlands. Given the legal drama you put Sheex in, I can understand why you put this quest in the Outlands.
Writing Style 21 /30
Your writing style is unique in that it delivers the emotion that is most difficult to deliver for writing… humor. Your literary devices are multilayered to a point that I have to wonder if you know that you’re using them. Good writers often do that. As for mechanics I may have noticed grammar hitch here and there, but it was the clarity that got me. I had to read a few posts twice to make sure I had it right. There was so much happening sometimes and the dialogue heavy posts made things tough.
Wildcard: 7/10
Get Sheex to Althanas!
Total 70 /100
Sheex gains 2156 exp.
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