The Spinner's Web Workshop

[Silence Sei]

Sagequeen has decided to submit his/her thread for Workshop, so here it is boys.

do your worst. (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?23173-The-Spinner-s-Web-Solo)

Judgement will come after the thread participants decide that they have seen enough.

[Jack Frost]

Time to get cracking, actually, not really. This was a very entertaining read. I loved the characters and the plot. It was good, but I lost track of some of the characters at times.

[Sagequeen]

Time to get cracking, actually, not really. This was a very entertaining read. I loved the characters and the plot. It was good, but I lost track of some of the characters at times.

Noted. Virlas tended to stop in for short stays between filling Erissa's orders, though I may not have communicated that as well as I liked. Arienne surprised me toward the middle of writing this by becoming someone quite sinister and important. Perhaps I should have done some back-work to make her presence more apparent, but by then, I knew my story intimately and assumed what I shouldn't have. Thank you very much for the feedback; I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Sheex]

Ahem. Excuse me? Did I just read a quest where the most epic thing happening was someone throwing a pissy fit at their dad? Well, I don't know if you realize this, but this is freaking Althanas! We got shit here that'll blow your mind! We got kids who transform into dark shadows, immortals, wizards of OH MY GOD I'M EPIC power, emo mages, and all sorts of shit that is over-the-top in every way, shape, and form. And you seriously think you can get away with writing a simple story like this?

I freaking loved it.

Seriously, this was a really great read. Wonderfully simple, and beautiful at the same time. I got a solid feel for most the characters, though I would have prefered a bit more detail with the dad. I mean, I get he's a jerk who's pretty much living vicariously through his kids...or was planning to until said kids messed it up. I really would have liked just a bit more detail as to why he was so adamant about it. Unless he's just all about making his family great...in which case I guess there's not much to go on. Still, just a little more would have helped.

The rest of the cast though, I liked. Virlas was cool, Erissa was a solid lead (even if she was just a dressmaker...which I liked), and Arienne was in all honesty, my favorite character thorughout the whole thread. She started of all nice, but became quite evil for one of the most cliched of reasons.

Okay, I know that sounds bad, but I don't mean it that way. Really, it just worked. I really did like how what she really wanted was some dude's attention, failed to get dude's attention, got pissed, got revenge, and pretty much got away scot free. I mean, I know that isn't your standard bad guy-gets-his-due sort of thing, but I figure she'll be making a reappearance in one of your quests.

And that's the best part. When I finished, I honestly was ready to read the next quest. Hell, I thought I'd wait til tomorrow to finish reading your thread, but once I started, I really wanted to finish. What more can I say?

...Er, okay, this. You really could gave given more detail when it came to setting. I got a good feel for most of the characters ('cept the parents), but to me they were in a blank world I filled in. What I mean by this is, I know who the players are. I knew what they were doing. I even knew what they were doing it with (pretty dresses! Yay!). But I really didn't know where they were doing it. You know, what the place looks like, fine quality of rich elf dude's walls, even a bit more physical description of the characters, that sort of thing.

Heh. Where they were doing it. Chuckle.

All in all, a quick read, but damn enjoyable one. I liked it a lot. Oh, and cause I can't go out on something so simple (it's just not what I do)...

So how do you think dead Tanus feels about this dude crushing over his sister? I mean, Virlas staying up late, reading the letters meant for Tanus, staring at her picture. Kinda creepy when you think about it, yeah?

Even creepier if Erissa thinks of Virlas as a sibling while he thinks of her as...not a sibling. Things could get ugly, and possibly illegal in certain places of Althanas. Just kidding. Maybe.

[Sagequeen]

@Sheex: Hah, thanks. Ellear is very one dimensional. He wants power and influence, and he'll get it any way he can. And yes, you got me on description. I noticed it as I took a break then re-read it. I am trying to do a better job in my current thread. As for Erissa being relatively simple, I wanted to start small so she would have a lot of room to grow and change. What fun is starting with all the power? I'd have missed half the story starting there!

With that said, I reserve the right to become a half-dragon, half-demon fairy princess vampire, dual-wielding twin halberds that can slice through the fabric of time.

Funny thing is with Erissa and Virlas' relationship -- I don't EVEN know where to go with that. At best it will be an interesting dynamic in the future. At worst it could come off as incestuously creepy.

Had to edit to say: You really had me snorting over my morning coffee with the epic pissy fit and pretty dresses. Thanks for the laugh. And the kind words.

[SirArtemis]

Alright, I'll do this as I go, and mostly it'll be criticism until the end. I'll leave the nice stuff for the end. =)

Also, I'm generally one to notice things such as mechanics or clarity, but I'm going to avoid commenting on mechanics too much. I'll mention a few examples.

So, for starters, in the first post, I noticed the inconsistency of "father" being capitalized in one place and not another. Just something to keep an eye on. Not sure what you mean by "he spent his son." I'm not familiar with that phrase. Also, missing the "to" when saying you refuse to be spent.

Okay, that's out of the way. So far, I'm in the beginning of post two, and I'm finding that your language is very "flowery" here. That's not always a bad thing, but while I read it, I find myself having some trouble keeping track of things because of the density of the language. Sometimes it's best to stick with simplicity, but it's still early on, so let's keep reading!

Early in post seven you have a redundancy in the "longing" expression. I'm guilty of this too. For me, it often happens when I make edits and I end up saying something that I had mentioned earlier.

Laughed out loud at the sparkly gift for Virlas.

At times I found myself asking things such as... "wait, is the assistant human or an elf?" ...or...
"So the human leads a trio of dwarves on deliveries?" I notice you mention much later that she's human, but maybe it'd be useful to clarify earlier on, so the reader doesn't feel like they missed something.

"Oh! and you have brought Virlas."
Mechanics again.

A tongue of jealousy flickered in her heart, threatening an all-out flame.
This just sounds odd to me. A tongue inside of a heart is an odd image for a reader.

Erissa's mother Shayla asked a few moments later from a nearby doorway.
Comma's around Shayla.

I also noticed a few times where you had extra words that were incomplete thoughts that then went in another direction. Here's an example:
"And why did she have to arrive the the perfectly wrong time?"



Okay, in conclusion, your writing is very good. It has a good pace and flow and I can follow along very easily in my mind. I get a sense of the uniqueness of the characters, though the mental images I have for your characters are likely very different from how you view them. I don't recall much description about the father and mother now that I've finished, but maybe you mentioned it.

Remember, as a writer, everything you are writing you can imagine just fine, but others need to know these things too. Sometimes it might help to make a checklist to make sure of how you introduced characters and what attributes you've mentioned about them. Virlas seemed to be the one who got the most attention.

Also, I know sometimes it might be difficult to find the motivation to do so, but rereading your threads out-loud or even in your own mind, and taking your time, you would catch a lot of the mistakes that you left in there, especially the issue I mentioned above with the "the the" situation. Also, I noticed some capitalization errors, like a capital in the middle of a sentence that isn't a pronoun, or inconsistencies as previously mentioned.

The one thing that really irked me is that the only "fantasy" aspect of this story was that some characters had pointy ears. This is more to do with myself as a reader and my personal life, but I hate jealousy and I hate assumptions, and Arienne had a lot of both. This felt like a love-triangle TV sitcom – Woman loves man, man seems to love other woman, woman sabotages possibility.

Granted, I'm sure it's realistic, but again, due to personal life, it fills me with a lot of negativity.

Regardless, as I said, it was pleasant to read overall, minus the sitcom aspect, and I look forward to seeing where you go with the character. It leaves me wondering whether her first task is to kick the shit out of Arienne or to find Virlas.


NOTE: If you want to get that staff, and don't already have it, be sure to request it as spoils at the end of your quest with descriptions of what it's made of, how it looks, and so on.


Hope that helps. If you have any other specific questions, PM me and we can chat there or via AIM. Or skype even. ^^

[Sagequeen]

@SirArtemis: Thanks for the feedback!

You know, being a mommy has a tendency to replace finer knowledge of writing mechanics with how best to microwave the SpongeBob Easy Mac. The delicious words I once knew are now usurped by those like poo poo, pee pee, and owie.

So please, correct me if I'm wrong, but in the first post and the 'father' issue, I seem to remember that if the word is used like a name, it is capitalized. If it is used with a possessive pronoun, it's not. For example:

"I love you, Father."

vs.

"I love my father."

Otherwise, you're thinking pretty much what I am. Except you caught something I didn't: the tongue sentence. I envisioned a tongue of flame threatening an all out fire. I didn't get that thought across at all. I >.< at those easy mistakes that I tend to read over in editing.

Erissa's got some growing to do and I expect her to have some very epic adventures. She'll be written out of Underwood shortly, and I'm excited to see what is in store for her.

Again, thank you for the very detailed feedback! I deeply appreciate it.


@Sei - I am satisfied with the amount of feedback. Ready for judging if/when everyone else is.

Edit to add: I'm loving this. I never got such great feedback in school. I just got A's, hah.

[Silence Sei]

She's right, Artie, about the father thing. If you can replace the word 'father' with someones name, then it is capitalized.

Example:

"I love you Father."

Since you can replace father with, lets say 'Artemis', and the sentence still makes sense, then it is capitalized.

"His father was being very patient."

See? Replace father with Artemis here and you messed up the whole sentence, therefore father is not capitalized.

SG, I have one thread to judge before I can get to this thread, but I will see if any of the other judges would like to judge the thread itself, while I just dole out the exp for the greatest contributor. Did you actually want me specifically to judge it?

[Sagequeen]

SG, I have one thread to judge before I can get to this thread, but I will see if any of the other judges would like to judge the thread itself, while I just dole out the exp for the greatest contributor. Did you actually want me specifically to judge it?

Assuming SG is my new moniker: I'm happy with whatever is easiest for you guys. I'd love you to judge it, but if there is a judge with no threads in queue, toss it his or her way. :)

[Silence Sei]

Actually, there are only 2 judges with stuff in their queue. That being the case, I'll toss your actual thread to Venessian.

SG is indeed what Sei calls you (I tend to give anybody with more than 5 letters in their name a nickname. Like Artie or Ven, or EI for Enigmatic Immortal).

Artie is top contributor, and his rewards will be administered once I start adding exp sometime this week.

[SirArtemis]

You're right about the father thing. I thought you used father as a pronoun and didn't capitalize, but looking back it's fine.

EDIT: I also just went back and read Sheex's feedback and realized I commented on some of the same things. I try not to read other feedback before giving my own so that's why there were some things repeated. FYI. ^^

[Sagequeen]

EDIT: I also just went back and read Sheex's feedback and realized I commented on some of the same things. I try not to read other feedback before giving my own so that's why there were some things repeated. FYI. ^^

No, it's fine. I would rather have personal, unadulterated feedback. It really helps me gauge the work I did in regards to a diverse group of people.

Again, thank you for the time you spent. Time is a priceless thing, and to have my thread's reviewers spend their time with me is an honor.

Edit for something I missed earlier: I was channeling Shakespeare (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_there_a_capial_letter_after_exclamation_point) when I did the "Oh! and blah blah" bit. I must 'lol' at myself, because I shouldn't be so presumptuous.

[Venessian]

Hey Sagequeen. I'll be your judge for this, but before I start, I had a question that I'd like to pose to you and I'd like an honest answer if you don't mind.

I did an initial skim and it made me wonder; "Is sagequeen actually new to the site?" It rang kind of like someone who's had experience writing on Althanas before. Is this an alt for a previous character? I don't mean any disrespect at all in asking this. Indeed, I only have good things to say about your writing so far (but I'll find something ;)). Its more out of curiosity than anything else. I also like that you've obviously made good use out of the WW, and you take constructive criticism and suggestions like a champ.

[Sagequeen]

Hey Sagequeen. I'll be your judge for this, but before I start, I had a question that I'd like to pose to you and I'd like an honest answer if you don't mind.

I did an initial skim and it made me wonder; "Is sagequeen actually new to the site?" It rang kind of like someone who's had experience writing on Althanas before. Is this an alt for a previous character? I don't mean any disrespect at all in asking this. Indeed, I only have good things to say about your writing so far (but I'll find something ;)). Its more out of curiosity than anything else. I also like that you've obviously made good use out of the WW, and you take constructive criticism and suggestions like a champ.

If you only know how tickled my fancy is at this moment.... you might blush. It means so much the hours of reading I put in mean something.

I assure you, God's honest truth, I have never seriously RP'd before. (There was that one time, in Goldshire, where I ended up naked at the inn... that's what deterred me from RP for so long, lol.) I poked around Valucre for a short time, but it wasn't for me.

I think it's one of those 'love at first sight' type of things. I love writing - love it. A wonderful match, Althanas and me. I respect the canon; it's a springboard. The quality of writing here is very nice also!

Long story short: I'm new. Virgin actually, waiting for the EXP cherry to be popped. <3 Althanas community.

[Elrundir]

I adore you. A little more each day.

[Venessian]

Long story short: I'm new. Virgin actually, waiting for the EXP cherry to be popped. <3 Althanas community.

I have no further questions. <3

[Sagequeen]

I adore you. A little more each day.

The feeling is mutual. The more threads I read the more I get to know everyone's style. It's a lot of fun!

[Jack Frost]

Too bad my style sucks or Jack would be level two by now...

[Sagequeen]

Too bad my style sucks or Jack would be level two by now...

I don't think your style sucks. Your ideas are great! Just grow each sentence into a living, breathing thing and give it something to do. Expand on it!

[SirArtemis]

I don't think your style sucks. Your ideas are great! Just grow each sentence into a living, breathing thing and give it something to do. Expand on it!

And then when it's alive, stab it until it dies! Then take the limbs and burn them leaving just the torso! Then, submit for judging.

[Sagequeen]

And then when it's alive, stab it until it dies! Then take the limbs and burn them leaving just the torso! Then, submit for judging.

Yeah, but you can't just tell about it. You have to show the downward arc and flash of the blade, compare the resulting blood-spray to some grim constellation. Then record for posterity the last words and death-rattle. Don't forget about the sickening tearing sound of ripping the limbs from their sockets and how it makes you feel inside. How exactly do limbs smell roasting on a raging fire? For good measure, spike the torso of your slain sentence in an upright position for the judge's ease. :D

[Elrundir]

Hasn't the English language suffered enough in this day and age?

[Sagequeen]

wat ru talkin bout?

nb4 flame







:rolleyes:

[Venessian]

Great job everyone. Experience will be rewarded to everyone who donated a bit of their wisdom. Also, please check out spoils for my special nomination for this thread.

Plot Construction ~ 23/30

Story ~ 8/10 - Great! Excellent job. Protagonist and antagonist were (very) clear. The climax came for me (that's what she said) when Erissa realized that Virlas' arrival represented her brother's death, and it was very powerful, if a bit underplayed. The story lacked a compelling narrative hook, however, and despite sound, technical writing, the story did not go above and beyond what I've come to expect from Althanas writers.

Strategy ~ 8/10 – Powers didn't manifest until the end of the solo, but for the bulk of it, Erissa made good use of her skills, both as aspects of her character, and as a plot device. I felt kind of like I was reading an X-Men origin story about how her “mutant powers” came unleashed for the first time. Her character sheet describes her as a “creative problem solver and mediator” under skills, but to be honest, I read kind of the opposite in Spinner's Web. In future threads, all I can suggest is a) going into more descriptive detail when using your magic, and if applying skills, perhaps do a bit of research into how tailoring is done, so you can throw out a few more technical terms. I don't feel that I really learned anything about weaving in a thread that was essentially all about it. She said she was weaving, and so weaving was accomplished.

Setting ~ 7/10 – I knew what town I was in, but many times action took place in the streets that I sort of felt were populated by a few mannequins and not much else. Description of the weaving hall was vague for a location that 75% of the story took place in. Judging by your writing prowess, I would have really loved a more in depth view of elven architecture in comparison to every other city on Althanas. Weaving complex elven gowns and apparel opened up many avenues to test your descriptive writing, but for the most part, they were just a list of material components.

Characterisation ~ 24/30

Continuity ~ 9/10 – Gets a wow from me. You learned the locations of Althanas and applied them as a backdrop for for the small area of which your story took place. Loosely touched on current events, and I think any more would have detracted from your story. Characters were consistent, and there was obvious character growth. Not much I can say against you in this category. But, if you're wondering why its not a ten, I'll have to refer you to the notes I made in setting. I would have really liked to see you take charge of Anebrilith and really make it your own.

Interaction ~ 8/10 – Dialogue was well written and technically sound, but all things said and done, elves and humans pretty much spoke the same way. I though that while Arienne reverting to her native way of speaking when she lost herself in emotion, it only came up once and seemed very out of place, considering every other time, even when she was furious, she spoke just like everyone else. That being said, I have to say, I LOVED the jealousy hook. I don't see that very often even outside of Althanas.


Character ~ 7/10 – Poses the question, with such colorful, well written NPCs, why such a low score? Because, to be honest, while Virlas and Arienne were TEEMING with depth, Erissa seemed to lack it. I'd even go as far as to say that she was out-shined by the amazing NPCs you wrote for her. I did take into account her blandness and cowed nature when her father was around, but I wanted more.

Writing Style ~ 25.5/30

Creativity ~ 7/10 – Well... It was a great story. It truly, honestly, was a great read. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true. That being said, well, it just wasn't the most creative piece of work I've ever read, both in subject matter and in writing style. Textbook paragraph, paragraph, paragraph. That being said, I honestly don't think you should change anything about your writing style based on this score.

Mechanics ~ 9.5/10 – Total of 4 spelling and grammatical errors over the whole thread. ALMOST perfect. Kudos. Don't change a thing. Your editing skills are profound. I even had to get a second opinion, because on the first read, I couldn't even find 1, true story.

Clarity ~ 9/10 – No problems except 1. You seemed to skim over parts of the story that seemed otherwise important. A lot of fast forwarding, where one more paragraph of the high-priestess' dress being picked up, Erissa's walk to the boat that would take her away, perhaps with her final thoughts on what seemed like a HUGE ordeal in her life, and a few other spots that could have done with a few more words on what went down in blank spaces of time passing.

Wildcard: 8/10 – Just good writing. Pure and simple.

Total ~ 80.5/100

Spoils: Your staff, and 300gp for the sale of a gown truly worthy of a high-priestess. Don't quit your day-job ;)

Erissa receives an ASTOUNDING 1208 experience for a level 0 solo quest. Erissa also receives 475 gold (including what was mentioned in spoils)

Keep up the great writing, and this thread, despite its simplistic subject matter, receives my full nomination for a Judge's Choice award for showing everyone what a technically sound piece of writing should look like.

Writer's Workshop Experience

(This experience has been changed due to an error in my previous calculations as noted by Silence Sei)

Jack Frost – 0

Sheex – 200 exp.

Sir Artemis – 250 exp.

Sei – 0

Elrundir - 0

[Letho]

EXP/GP added!