A story yet unwritten...(Closed)

[Sabatykos Maelstrom]

(Sabatykos ~V~ Demonica)

Some people used The Citadel to live epic battles and nightmarish fancies.

There were some, like Sabatykos Maelstrom, who used The Citadel to practice trade skills. The Monks, with their talents were able to engineer virtually any setting that could imagined. Each splinter-world was unique to the situation at hand, and Sabatykos knew that first hand having entered The Citadel many times. Sabatykos stood at the threshold of the ancient structure for a long moment, simply just looking up at the magnificent building. It's unique architectural design was a melting pot creation of many of Corone's native races. Sabatykos, like so many youths, admired the structural design of the building. It's arches and columns were built completely symmetrically. Symbols were etched upon every part of the surface of the structure. Sabatykos knew that on every square inch of The Citadel's walls and floor there were painted scenes of famous, and infamous, battles. The Monks were a lot of historians and clerically oriented people, keeping tabs on the events going on all over Althanas, and beyond the canopy of Heaven.

Entering the building now, Sabatykos walked with a newly found confidence. His eyes were focused, his hands no longer shook with a newcomer's fear, and his chin was raised proudly. Sabatykos ran his hand along the wall of The Citadel and could almost feel the battles taking place in the building's many combat arenas. As he closed his eyes, he could see the fantastic worlds that might've been engineered by the minds of skilled warriors or magi. A hand squeezed Sabatykos's shoulder as he stood there lost in thought. He opened his eyes and knew that the fellow had to be a Monk of the Olde Order. Sabatykos turned to look at The Monk after a moment passed. He smiled kindly, Sabatykos, after all was a good man. The Monk smiled back at him.

"Master Sabatykos. Good of you to return." The Monk said.

"I've been away for sometime now. Working on various fancies with my family. But it feels good to be back now. I'm here to study." Sabatykos said.

Some did it for joy, others out of fear, and still others out of pure insanity. Sabatykos, on the other hand, did it for the pursuit of knowledge which was as humble a reason as any. His eyes were filled with the knowledge gained after recent trials. His chest was broad, and his muscles were chiseled. He wore standard civilian clothing, albeit, it was all black. He kept his equipment on his person, the more commonly used tools of engineering. Sabatykos was gifted with the crafting arts and could easily manufacture wonders to delight the senses. Sabatykos let a full minute passed, and The Monk waited patiently for him.

"Do you want your usual Arena?" The Monk asked.

"The usual combat chamber yes, but not my usual Arena at all. I have something specific in mind for today's job." Sabatykos replied.

"Very well." The Monk pointed in the general direction of The Arena that Sabatykos constantly used.

It was Chamber Number 22.

The two talked as they walked towards that combat arena.

***

A short time later, Sabatykos was in the world he had imagined for the next part of his training. It was a star-faring chariot. Not just any sort of chariot, but a chariot built by his people, The Saenorakym Prime. The vessel was currently stationed in Althanas's orbit. Teaming with life, The Saenorakym Prime with all of their various genetic configurations, tended to various chores. Sabatykos had left specific instruction with The Monk as to where he would be and where his opponent could find him aboard The Lexicon. Sabatykos was an engineer of his people, and he was in one of the many engineering levels. His hands were busy doing the constant maintenance work that the machines required of skilled trades folk.

Sabatykos worked diligently with the rest of the engineering team. He was testing his current skill level against members of his own tribe. However, Sabatykos was a half-breed. In many ways that was a good thing, in others, it was not so good. Though a noble people, Saenorakym Prime sometimes had their short comings against those folk who had the physical characteristics of "unscreened" races. Sabatykos was a hybrid with The Elves of Ruild, Concordia, and as such he had the hyper deformed ears of an Elf. Furthermore, his physique was slender, and not muscular. He had very delicate and nimble fingers. Capable of completing the dangerous work of an engineer.

The walls of The Lexicon were walls which resembled many of The Saenorakym Prime vessels. Sabatykos stopped to look at the walls for a moment. They were techno-organic in nature. Energy pulsed from the purple hued structure every few moments. This energy was a golden tone in colour. The chariots of The Saenorakym Prime were capable of consuming vast amounts of energy, as well as recycling it. Sabatykos knew that because he had worked on Saenorakym Prime feats of engineering before. Sabatykos kept his hands moving and was focused on the task. It was a paying job, and the star vessel needed maintenance and repair before moving back into the star ocean.

Sabatykos waited his opponent to arrive on The Lexicon, the battle would be a tremendous feat of skill and prowess.

Or so Sabatykos hoped.

[Graph]

It felt good to see the sun set, every once in a while. The real sun, in the real sky. Dem relished warm summer evenings like this one, away from the tiring, monotonous darkness of the Haidian slums. Every so often, she could arrange for a pass to leave on “official Overworld business,” courtesy of Krataag, a piggish Deimis thug. It took a little bribery, and perhaps the odd flash of skin, but that was a small price to pay for fresh air. And now, thanks to him, she was legally above ground for the next month.

The only problem was, Dem was never quite sure of what to do with herself once free. She so rarely met a worthwhile person up here that she got out of the habit of collecting names and addresses. And the remnants of her family were willing, permanent Haidian residents, blissfully unaware of her existence. As it damn well should be, but still, it left her with no one to visit.

So, no matter how hard she tried to resist, Dem always found herself heading back to the Citadel. She adored the spectacle of it, the sheer senselessness with which they fought, and of course, the arena’s variability. She always happened to show up when a big-name fight was taking place, and the viewing gallery still had room for one more.

Tonight, she realized, as she took a few echoing steps into the Citadel’s empty, decorated hall, was different.

A monk, who had been scribbling furiously on a tablet nearby, glanced up at her. “Need something, miss?”

“Any fights tonight?” She didn’t look at him, her eyes wandering over the ceilings and walls.

“Just one. Master Sabatykos has reserved Chamber Number 22 for a private session.”

Dem frowned slightly. “And I’m guessing there’s no way I could watch.”

“Actually…” The monk gave her a long, scrutinizing stare, tapping his lip with his quill.

Dem met his eyes, glaring at him, her hands folding. He really didn’t need to be so obvious with his ogling…. but she didn’t sense any lust in him.

“Come with me.” He beckoned her forward, and led her down a hallway quickly, his bare feet scuffing on the tile. Dem followed, albeit cautiously. When he stopped in front of a door marked 22, she felt her muscles tense.

“Well?” The monk smirked up at her. “Do you want to see a fight, or don’t you?”

Dem bit her lip. He didn’t have to phrase it like that. Asshole. Now she couldn’t resist. “Fine. No problem.”

His smirk widening, the monk held the door for her, slamming it quickly as she passed.



Above all things, the place was fucking colorful. Purple walls, with a sort of gold blood pulsing through them, and strange, vaguely human-looking people wandering about. From the way the windows were bowed, and the vast, rounded ceiling, Dem guessed it was a ship.

Lucky her, that monk had forgotten to mention exactly who it was she was supposed to kill. She stuck out like a sore thumb here – wings were not a common feature among this set – but she figured that was for the best, since her opponent was some anonymous face in the crowd. She may as well make it obvious.

Dem slipped through the crowd, most of whom seemed preoccupied with fixing or making a part of the ship. She scanned the walls, before settling on a study-looking light fixture, and, with a few hefty wingbeats, glided up to perch on it. It swayed dangerously with her weight, and she stretched her wings out broadly to balance.

Her eyes drifted over the sea of heads, pausing when she thought she saw someone staring at her. Let the other guy have the first move, she figured. It’s not like it would matter in the end.

[Sabatykos Maelstrom]

When Sabatykos's shift was over, he just realized what hour of night it was.

The night had begun to just reach it's prime when Sabatykos finished his work for the shift he was employed on. Nobody had come into The Citadel to take up the mantle of his challenge, and Sabatykos grew a bit worried at that. Usually, warriors were quite eager to take on such a battle, but this time, it seemed likely that none would come. When he was finished, he clocked out with his foreman, and walked down the hallway to see something he hadn't seen in quite sometime. Now, Sabatykos was not an ignorant slum-dweller. Sabatykos had intellect. His eyes studied the girl almost from the moment that he saw her. There was beauty in that form, a sort of dark beauty that Sabatykos only saw in foreigners. Sabatykos knew that storied races had wings, but had never come across a winged-folk in his youth.

Seeing one in person was a completely new experience and one he intended to cherish. She seemed to be relaxing atop the light fixture, and Sabatykos figured the best way to get this situation going was the best way he knew how. He would offer her a drink. Walking up to The Haidian, Sabatykos studied her face for a long moment before addressing her. Sabatykos was not nervous, he had been through too much in recent times to allow a foreign girl to cause him anxiety. In his most recent adventures, he'd come across one of The Fell Manifestations. He'd barely eeked out of a victory in that encounter, but he knew better than to underestimate their ilk. There was a place nearby he could talk to her if she would.

"Hey." Sabatykos addressed her. "Would you like a drink or something? My treat." Sabatykos added.

Sabatykos was one of those warriors who used The Citadel for many purposes other than to fight. Socialization with other warriors was one of those purposes. The girl seemed strong and confident enough, but Sabatykos had grown in skill recently. He did not want to underplay his own skill. As he stood there, he kept his eyes on her own, they were mesmerizing. Sabatykos could not help but feel his heart begin to race. She was a very pretty girl and the engineer always acknowledged beauty. But there was no lust. The last event that Sabatykos had been through tore his heart asunder and he never quite recovered from it. Sabatykos waited for her response as he stared quietly, observing to see what she would do.

He was well within striking distance, but Sabatykos was a polite man. He folded his arms across his chest and greeted folk who greeted him as they walked past. A few of the gathered stared at the winged girl as well. The Saenorakym Prime were a naturally curious lot. And in the end, the expansion of their own genetic pool was of utmost priority. A few of the folk who were studying the unfolding situation whispered as Sabatykos had rarely taken an interest in the opposite sex due to the situation that had occurred. He didn't mind the stares and the talk as long as they left him alone. In a few moments, Sabatykos had completely memorized what the girl looked and burned the image forever into his mind.

"We can spar after you've had a drink and a bite to eat." Sabatykos added the invitation.

[Graph]

A coy smile played across Dem’s lips as she took in the question, and when she spoke, her fangs glinted in the artificial light. “So you’re the guy.” She dropped down from the light fixture, landing gracefully if loudly, and paused before the man who had addressed her, before straightening up.

She met his eyes, and got a quick read on him, her curves widening slightly and her hair curling around her shoulders. No need to put too much effort into the façade – he liked her for her exoticness, and it was a gentle sort of like at that, but she doubted he’d hesitate when flirt came to shove. She didn’t detect nervousness, though – markedly absent, in fact. There was a tiny chance his offer was genuine.

“I already ate, dear,” she lied, “but drink I’ll never refuse.” Dem took a step towards him, forcing herself to hold in her claws like a sneeze. But no, he’d make the first move.

“Interesting set-up you’ve got here. Very… purple.”

[Sabatykos Maelstrom]

As a nearly organic vessel, the ship was complex and layered. Each layer contained different chambers that had machines designed for various purposes. Sabatykos knew some of those machines intimately, but others were quite foreign to him. Working as an Engineer for most of his young life, Sabatykos had the privilege of being on the cutting edge of history. He walked alongside the girl, his eyes staring forward as he walked over to the promenade. He stole an occasional glance her way which was accompanied by a sincere smile. He felt comfortable around her presence, for whatever the reason was. He would not sneak attack her or attempt to catch her off guard. The fight would go along fair terms.

When they reached the promenade, there was a gathered group of workers visible of every gender imaginable. The Saenorakym Prime were a sexually oriented people, but they did not use their "talents" for ill purposes. They were explorers, cutting edge and on the brink of discovery perfection. The latest specimen, Althanas, was a subject of great interest in the promenade, and the gathered folk talked about whatever was the latest adventures. Some of the folk were discussing the matters in Raiaera after the fall of Xem'Zund, Sabatykos understood that Raiaera had lost a great deal. Sabatykos negotiated for a table for two, and moved the girl's chair for her so she could sit down at ease.

"What is your drink of choice?" Sabatykos said as he ordered himself a very potent cocktail of various fruits. Sabatykos never did like alcoholic beverages. The drink was a popular high citrus drink that was called "Power Punch". He would be paying for whatever the girl wanted. A waitress made an attempt to hand a menu over to the girl. And Sabatykos watched her the entire time. He kept a calm smile on his face, but his eyes beheld a certain passion in them. A passion for life, a passion for living. Sabatykos wore a shirt with no sleeves which showed off the strange Saenorakym Prime symbols. They were etched upon his flesh. They were more than tattoos and seemed to possess a unique glow about them.

Sabatykos could feel pairs of eyes, sometimes more than one set on one person, staring at him and the girl. Sabatykos was not famous as far as that went, but he was quite a skilled engineer and rarely had the company of the opposite sex. He was known for keeping to himself and keeping his nose out of the affairs of others. Sabatykos was soon given his citrus-like punch and he took a deep pull from the chalice in his hand. Placing it on the table, his large eyes never once left the girl's person. He was fascinated by the winged girl and was curious to see what she would do about their Citadel bout. But for that moment, the drinks would do and they could plan a proper battle aboard the strange, alien vessel.

[Graph]

Dem kept stride with the man as they walked, taking in the vast, intricate ship. The place almost felt like a single, living entity, beautiful and foreign. The architecture, especially, caught her eye, and she marveled at the ceilings and walls, far more fascinated by the arena than her opponent.

Of course, the awe wore off when they arrived at the nearby watering hole. A bar was a bar was a bar. She took a quiet seat across from her companion, and drummed her fingers on the edge of their table.

“Just an ale for me, nothing fancy.” Dem dismissed the waitress with a wave of her hand, before fixing her eyes on the man, pausing to stare at his remarkable tattoos. They were beautiful markings, certainly, but too iridescent to have been done with the usual needle and ink. Perhaps they had some functional purpose.

Dem’s eyes slowly inched up over his frame, and she was careful to put just a few drops of faux lust in her stare. She was checking him out, after all, in some manner of speaking. He was a muscular fellow, strong enough to take a hit and keep going, and that bright orange abomination he kept sipping didn’t look alcoholic…

“So,” she started, meeting his gaze. “You ever do anything crazy at a bar, mister…?”

[Sabatykos Maelstrom]

The question of course, raised an eyebrow. Then, Sabatykos smiled with mischief in his heart. He looked around for a moment and saw that there were several guards. But they were busy socializing. Then, he turned his attention back to the girl. Taking a pull of the citrus drink, the juice felt warm going down his throat. He strangely saw a flash of him and her in a bed, making love. Shaking the thought aside, Sabatykos stood up and walked towards her. His eyes were narrowed, but full of concentration. As he walked, he pulled out one of his masterwork Iron Daggers and moved to give it to the girl. He gave it to her handle-first, of course. His eyes remained on her person and he kept the smile on his face.

"I got an idea of what we can do." Sabatykos said. "But first, let's take care of the old monk's sadistic need for violence. Once we've satiated their hunger for that, we can satiate our hunger for other things." Sabatykos had a sparkle in his eye, interest, and a growing hint of lust.

He waited for her to take the dagger, and was ready to pull out it's brother when she was done with the movement.

[Graph]

Dem paused for a moment, a little stunned by his boldness. She fixed her eyes on him, ignoring the dagger, her lips slowly curling into a wide, almost eerily playful smirk. Oh, silly, naïve young man. For a moment there, she was worried he was some kind of telepath, but no, he had merely confused bloodlust and lust – easy to do, with a girl like Dem. Hell, she could barely tell the difference.

The guards hadn’t escaped her sight, and they were outside now, having snuck a few too many sips from the ale tap. She let out a slow, breathy chuckle, standing and extending her wings. As she stared down at the man and his petty little daggers, she kicked back her barstool, drawing confused stares with the ensuing crash.

“Sweetheart,” she crooned, “what else did you think I had in mind?”

With a swooping arc of her arm, she knocked the goblets and tablecloth from their table, her smirk widening into a fang-baring grin. She held her palms out slightly, her claws unsheathing with a soft click.

She was bored with foreplay now – time for something more.

[Sabatykos Maelstrom]

Now the next few moments got interesting indeed.

There were a few interested stares from the members of the promenade's clientele as the scene unfolded. Guards' eyes twitched a little but such bar fights were allowed and sometimes encouraged. However, Sabatykos was a known Engineer, and thus, would be respected as the event unfolded. Only the bold would attempt to interfere. The atmosphere in the promenade seemed to suddenly change as the fight became more and more apparent. Excitement mixed with something like a mad lust touched the air. The fight's observers were carefully watching to see what sort of a show the combatants would put on. The change had occurred swiftly and quietly, and was just understood.

Sabatykos knew the change quite well. After all, Saenorarkym Prime were scientists at heart. They liked to learn new formula and observe strange new scientific facts. The girl, represented such a scientific study. Sabatykos knew that. If another had caught her, she would be in a lab somewhere, that was also truth. Sabatykos wanted to make sure that such a fate was avoided. A sort of immediate fascination with the girl grew, he immediately deduced that her race was naturally predatory. The wings are what fascinated Sabatykos the most, he was eager to see how quick she was on her feet. Some of the elders of his people could fly at will, due to Sabatykos's hybrid nature, he hadn't quite obtained that feat.

Seeing that she had rejected his generous gift, Sabatykos sighed a moment but retained a smile on his face.

Both masterwork iron daggers were drawn now. Sabatykos had recently acquired significant skill in his training with his weapon as a constant warrior in The Citadel. Sabatykos rotated his weapons and he accepted the invitation to battle. He didn't have to hold back because she was a woman. Some of the greatest High Priestesses in Saenorakym Prime society were extremely powerful and could hold their own against legions of undead. Sabatykos would not underestimate, or overestimate the girl before him now. Moving to a comfortable, but tight, combat stance Sabatykos could move at ease with his Elven Reflexes. As a Hybrid, he had the best of both worlds. Saenorarkym Prime and The Elves of Ruild.

Sabatykos danced on his feet, and moved in a circular arch as he attempted to change his position so that he was at Dem's side. If he was successful he would continue to string movements together.

[Graph]

ooc; I'm so sorry about the delay. I had some medical issues come up.

Dem let herself tense up, the pretty facade melting subtly away. Through a million little changes, her face took on a more cruel, streamlined look, her eyes sinking back and her cheekbones poking out. Her body grew lithe and athletic, and her bone structure shifted beneath her skin.

Now she looked the part of hunteress, and there was no reason to hide it.

Her eyes followed the man carefully, and she dropped lower, her wings arching out behind her for balance. He was no novice, from the way he held his weapons, and his movements were unusually agile, but she had no reason to be afraid. And she'd grown tired of letting him make the first move tonight. Chortling softly under her breath, she paced around him, staying in front of him, trying not to be flanked. When the suspense had lingered in the air long enough, and she'd settled on which of his veins to aim for, she darted in towards him, slashing up towards the side of his neck.

She hoped, a little drunk on adrenaline, that he wouldn't disappoint her.

[Sabatykos Maelstrom]

(I hope you feel better soon)

Elegantly, the youth saw the attack coming.

"So beautiful this dance of war." Sabatykos said quietly as she came in close. "Hunger, 'O huntress of the moon as the blades of eternity sing for blood." Sabatykos prepared for what he knew was coming. He made no movement to break away from the course of the attack, he simply stood there and timed his own counter action. When her claws dug into his flesh, the skin tore apart and blood splattered in the air. But still, Sabatykos did not move. He savored the action and the harm brought upon his person and the pain, made him feel alive. Sabatykos's blood poured from the open wounds at his neck. The air was stained with the rusty-metallic taste of fresh Saenorakym Prime blood.

Blood splattered upon the floor and all over Sabatykos's clothing. Yet, Sabatykos was never afraid. Keeping himself calm even as he faced certain death, his heart raced. Pumping blood to the injury, the youth could almost foresee what would happen next. Feast upon the flesh 'O huntress of the moon. He thought, and his eyes never left the form of the girl. He knew he would not face death alone. It was art, surgically precise. In the light of the recent events he had undergone, the images burned across the brain of the youth. He saw the betrayal by the fake elder, actually some sort of monster in a human's body, and he saw the netherworld he had traveled to.

There, he was forced to play a twisted creature's sadistic game. In the end, Sabatykos had won his freedom and the freedom of another, but at a terrible price. His own innocence and purity. The demon had robbed him of the pure heart he had once had, but not of his honour. The honour of his people always remained intact despite the fact that the was a half-breed. Strangely, time slowed down for the young adventurer, and he ducked down to one knee. He never even attempted to clutch at his throat. He never even attempted to harm the girl. To preserve such a beauty was the utmost priority. So, Sabatykos submitted to his fate. Down on one knee, he looked at the floor, unable to meet her gaze due to the severity of his injury.

"O huntress. I seek only one path, to be like you. To be like your people..." He wasn't certain if it was death-talk or not, but the youth was starting to loose his grip on the mortal world. "Huntress. I beg ye, leave not my side, as I fade from this earthly coil..."

And Sabatykos, fell to the ground. Yet, there was a peaceful smile on his face as he bled out. Strangely, it was as if he had seen his own death coming. Yet, he had faced the unknown with courage and bravery that his people were known for. He could never harm such a pretty girl, even if she killed him. And as he faded, he spoke one last set of words. "O huntress...ye has given me a beautiful death." And Sabatykos's eyes closed. But the smile never faded. And as Sabatykos began to perish, the members of the promenade ran towards his side, readying their healing abilities as that phantoms of the dream-world faded. The dream world lost it's grip and Sabatykos found himself in the cold-stone of The Citadel combat arena, where it all began.

Images of the girl he would never harm burned in his mind.

Even should she grant him a thousand deaths.

Fin.

[Graph]

When Dem felt resistance against her claws, she felt an honest throng of shock. This impressive man - no, creature - tore open like tissue paper. As she felt that lovely warmth spray across her arm, the hair on the back of her neck stood on end, and she closed her eyes in a long blink. He was babbling along now, waxing poetic about her beauty and the peacefulness of death or some such drivel, but all she could think about was how goddamn incredible she felt.

It had been a long, long time since she'd killed. What a high.

She turned to look down at him as he crumpled, still blathering with that strangely sublime expression on his face. As he faded, she licked her claws - he tasted of something more than human. Still, even as she basked in the bloodbath, she couldn't help but feel a nagging pang of disappointment. As great as this felt, she hated the chivalrous type; she'd overestimated him and his willingness to fight. But after all, that was why the Citadel existed - his fault for getting distracted. Poor sap never even gave her his name.

The bar and patrons grew blurry now, and Dem felt a vicious, but passing wave of dizziness. She closed her eyes, teetering on her feet for a moment, before opening them again. The lovely blood had evaporated from her skin, and the ship had dissolved away; now she was in an empty room, with the Citadel's elegant scriptures dotting the walls. The man's body was gone, and in his place the monk from earlier, with a surly frown strung across his lips.

"You won," he mumbled crossly, watching as her bones reworked themselves, and her facial structure softened. He looked as though he'd lost a bet, Dem thought.

"Yeah?" She smirked. "Where is he?" She couldn't help but wonder, though it was mere curiosity, not concern. She would've loved another swig of that blood.

"Can't say," the monk gruffly replied, crossing his arms. "Order secret. But who knows, maybe you'll run into him."

Dem shrugged, cracking her shoulders as she made her way back towards the exit. She felt so powerful now - she had controlled that man, and then she'd ended him, just because she could. She almost felt grateful to him for the thrill. Almost.

"It's a big world," she murmured as she closed the door to Chamber Number 22. "He'll have to find me."

[Sagequeen]

Sab: This battle was promising; it could have teased and toyed with the reader while still ending with the very same conclusion you prematurely reached. I was so disappointed, after reading the wonderful setting and culture of the Saenorakym Prime, that the battle ended so abruptly. You really set me up... you were brilliant in describing the ship and the thought process of the SP; I wanted so much more. I wanted to see process of how a SP would accept outright defeat; I wanted to see what lengths, before death, he would go to preserve such a specimen. Instead, he just rolled over and died. I really think you missed a prime opportunity for a very interesting dynamic between characters, and on so many levels.

Graph: Your writing was good, but it lacked contribution. What I mean is that Sab described the battlefield in such detail that I think it would be very easy to run with what he had created and make the rest of it a mutual venture in discovery. You play well in his setting, but you should have taken the creative liberties to which you are entitled as an equal participant in the battle. If you are a predator (and you are) then couldn't you have played the angle of toying with your prey, instead of 'waiting for him to make the first move?' It would have been more becoming and interesting, in my opinion. Your last post was your strongest; it was the one that forced the most creativity from you, and it showed that you are very capable of adaptability. Use that to your advantage next time!

Both: The battlefield is a place for the hypothetical. Clearly, it is an imaginary place, and any wounds sustained there are temporary; that is the point of it! Sab, I'd have loved to see you test yourself as you test the limits of this 'beautiful creature' without causing her major harm. Graph, I would have loved to see you unrestrained in the part of sentient, self-aware predator. I understand the battle ended very quickly, but even with what time you had, I think you could have played it up quite a bit.

Plot Construction ~ 14/9

Story ~ 4/3 – Sab, you pulled out way too early. Like I said in my address above, this story was filled with potential at its beginning, could have developed into so much more! Graph, you seemed hesitant to advance the plot until the battle finally began, after the rising action began to lag a bit. But as to rising action, which drags considerably, and climax, you need to make your voice heard. I'll address specific things below.

Strategy ~ 4/3 – Sab, I understand why your character chose to die, to an extent. Still, I saw nothing of him being pushed to his limit, he just rolled over. Your character is a scientist, and what would drive the battle to new lengths is for him to treat the battle like an experiment. Like I mentioned before, the conclusion could have been the very same. Graph, there was so little information between your first and last post that I couldn't really tell how your character drove the action. The exception for that was the 'foreplay is over' part, and your character finally gets to the action.

Setting ~ 6/3 – I think you did a wonderful job, Sab, setting the scene. I had a great mental image of what the place looked like, even if not the people. Graph, you acknowledged the setting work Sab did, but you didn't add any of your own.

Characterisation ~ 14/11

Continuity ~ 6/3 – Sab, I loved what you did with the SP culture. I would also love to read more about it based on what you have written here. However, I think you missed some prime opportunities to truly bring it to life. What I mean is, as the narrator tells how they behave, but why not have a few lines of dialogue to show how instead? Additionally, if I accept what you have presented as the culture of the SP, the conclusion, the ending, doesn't make sense to me. Graph, your highest points in continuity came in your first and last posts. In the first and last, you showed me a little more of the culture of the monks. But how could you have revealed more about Dem's own culture throughout?

Interaction ~ 4/4 – You both had a strong point in this category. I found it interesting that Seb was testing himself against other engineers and worked a shift. Graph, I liked how Dem used the light fixture; it portrays her as animistic in a way, and I enjoyed the mental image. Between the two of you, I thought the interaction was awkward, mostly because Graph's posts were so very short, and Seb did a lot of telling and not enough showing. I would have loved to see Seb interact with his own kind; such dialogue can be very revealing and is tied closely to Continuity.

Character ~ 4/4 – Sab, after all that character setup work you did, it's a shame you didn't use it to your advantage in the fight, as I've noted repeatedly above. With no chance at a real death, why would he have not studied this creature in battle?!? You took everything you built up to that point and contradicted it. Graph, I enjoyed your first post, but I didn't get a sense of a true predator, a huntress, in the following posts. You've got to live in your character's skin, take on her mind-frame and play out the scene in your mind's eye. Writing good characters is often based on how empathetic an author can be; can you put yourself inside the character and view the world from her eyes? (Seriously, when I'm in the zone, I lose hours in my mind method-acting. I could go through an entire day where I constantly return to that character's frame of mind and explore it.) But it's not enough to just explore it – next you have to express it. Which brings us to writing style.

Writing Style ~ 20/19

Creativity ~ 6/4 – Sab, I enjoyed the sheer creativity you put into this, developing the SP race. I understand them. I think, however, that your narration was a little dry. For example, you wrote:

Sabatykos wore a shirt with no sleeves which showed off the strange Saenorakym Prime symbols. They were etched upon his flesh. They were more than tattoos and seemed to possess a unique glow about them
What you wrote has a lot of potential. What you need to do is make your style less short and choppy, and use sentences that flow into one another. For example:

Sabatykos' sleeveless shirt revealed the tattoos of his Saenorakym Prime heritage, yet the strange designs seemed more than mere tattoos. The thin, intricate lines etched upon his flesh possessed a unique glow.
Graph, you had some shining moments, like comparing Deb holding her claws back to holding back a sneeze, but on the whole, you needed to lengthen your posts and add a lot more like this.

Mechanics ~ 7/8 – If you are writing, and you see the word 'it's,' stop. Go back and read the sentence with 'it is' in place of 'it's.' If it makes sense, then that is the correct usage. Otherwise, remove the apostrophe. I see a few misused words and other very common errors like sentence fragments. Graph, you had fewer errors than Sab, but then again, you didn't write nearly as much.

Clarity ~ 7/7 – There were no real issues here, except for Sab's already broken heart and a few obscure reference to his past. I could have used a small amount of information to clarify, or the more obscure could have been abandoned completely. Also, Graph, it'd have been nice, in your first post, to know why your family doesn't know where you are and why you don't care. Both of these issues could have added to character development, and would have required just a few sentences.

Wildcard: 5/5

Total ~ 53/44

Victory goes to Sabatykos.


Sabatykos gets 350 EXP.

Graph gets 105 EXP.

[Atzar]

EXP added!