A Personal Not-Quite-Writer's-Workshop

[Shadar]

Just finished my first solo since coming back. I don't know if I even finished anything in the months approaching my exit from Althanas. (Sorry about that to all involved.) I don't want to run it through the full workshop, but I would like some comments if anyone is willing to read it. Some of these questions are aimed at people who remember my older work, but most don't need prior knowledge. So, hi to all you people who haven't seen a wit of my writing before. =)

Linky be here (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?23187-Waking-to-the-Cold).

1. Too many / inappropriate ;s and -s? I've been reading a lot lately of those "published" people who can get away with breaking the rules. I just went with what felt right. I'm more concerned that it flows nicely, less that it's pleasing to university professors.

2. For anyone who hasn't read my stuff before, do I reference past events in a way that you care about the characters leaving those days behind? If you don't... well, is it at least readable gibberish?

3. For my fans (hugs and kisses) do you think I can keep up the dialogue scores without Jackal spitting filth all over the back of your computer screens?

4. How's the ending? I had ideas that would have ruined the flow, so I decided to do something experimental. Yes, I'm sure the wind thing is in my head because of the 'Wheel of Time' series. But, where as WoT uses it as an intro, I used it at the end. That means I'm not ripping anyone off. =P

Thanks to anyone who responds, and I promise to not do this again any time soon. It's just been a very long time since I wrote and an even longer time since I had anything judged.

(Bonus Question)

5. Will you miss Diamond Jackal? Cause he's gone. Totally. Never coming back. No reason to suspect otherwise.

[Atzar]

Hey!

I just read through your thread. It was very entertaining. In general, you do an excellent job with describing abstract settings (the 'mind realm', and I also liked the wind seer bit in the last post). The only time I got confused was when Shadar healed Brigitte - it took me awhile to understand what was going on. Otherwise, Jackal was hilarious, and "keep the tits" should become an internet meme of some sort.

To your questions, the only time I really thought the hyphens were out-of-place was in the first paragraph of the thread, when I thought they should have been commas. I seem to remember a semicolon that didn't fit as well, but like a dumbass I forgot to note where it occurred. Sorry! On the whole, though, I wouldn't worry about it - you typically use them just fine.

In response to your second question, I thought your description of Shadar's shenanigans with Yari was much more effective than that of Robert Uccisore. I understood and appreciated that Shadar and Yari Rafanas had quite a history, but I didn't at all get the same sense from the battle with Robert. By comparison, it seemed random and almost irrelevant.

I can't speak to how much Jackal helped you in the dialogue department in the past - I only got a small taste of it from this thread, and an even smaller taste of your non-Jackal dialogue. The interaction between Shadar and Brigitte was solid and serviceable, if not stellar. However, it's worth noting that the rubric has changed a bit since you've last been here. 'Dialogue' has effectively been replaced by 'Interaction', which by my understanding (and forgive me if I'm off here, because I'm not entirely familiar with the new rubric yet either) includes all forms of character interaction - introspective, interpersonal (dialogue and otherwise), and more. By that definition, the bit at the beginning about Brigitte's uncertainty and unfamiliarity with her new body would score you big points here - it was one of the more memorable images I took from the thread.

I loved the ending. The bit about the wind seer was an excellent way to 'breeze' through things that were relevant but not necessarily important on the same scale as the rest of the events in the thread. That was an interesting and creative addition to the story.

Jackal was hilarious. I'm sure you'll fare just fine without him - if indeed that's the route you plan to take - but he was a welcome source of conflict and comic relief in a thread that otherwise wouldn't have had any.

Like I said at the start; this was a very fun read. You're a very good writer. Feel free to hit me up if you want any input in the future; if I'm around, I'm happy to give you some feedback.

[Shadar]

Thanks, Atzar. I haven't paid much attention to the new rubric, but the broader definition of 'interaction' sounds like a great way to do it.

I see what you mean about the Robert bit. It's a story element that's being put to bed right here, so hopefully I can make something more substantial as a driving force behind their current motivations.

And points for the pun. =)

[Sagequeen]

Just finished my first solo since coming back. I don't know if I even finished anything in the months approaching my exit from Althanas. (Sorry about that to all involved.) I don't want to run it through the full workshop, but I would like some comments if anyone is willing to read it. Some of these questions are aimed at people who remember my older work, but most don't need prior knowledge. So, hi to all you people who haven't seen a wit of my writing before. =)

Hi! I'm very new here, so with that in mind, here's my feedback:


1. Too many / inappropriate ;s and -s? I've been reading a lot lately of those "published" people who can get away with breaking the rules. I just went with what felt right. I'm more concerned that it flows nicely, less that it's pleasing to university professors.

The only place it really bothered me was in the first post, surround the word 'empty.' IMHO, commas would have sufficed and given the same effect. In the second post, 'proof that Jackal could be resisted,' it seemed appropriate. In post 7, the 'Belongings laid down, undamaged; forges and hearths extinguished; clothes folded and hanging dustily, unpacked' part caught my eye and I questioned it, but I think for what you were trying to accomplish, using commas instead of semi-colons would confuse the entire thing. You got your point across and I understood -- which is, I think, more important at times than impressing professors. For me and my own purposes, I'd have reworded it, but that's my style, not yours. I can be over-anal about mechanics. :)


2. For anyone who hasn't read my stuff before, do I reference past events in a way that you care about the characters leaving those days behind? If you don't... well, is it at least readable gibberish?

Having never read your older works, I did need to re-read some things in this story. But for the most part, excepting one of the Jackal memories that totally threw me off, you gave me a tantalizing mystery that made me curious. I wanted to finish this story to see what else you would reveal and what I could glean from the clues tossed my way. There was enough information that this story not only stood on its own, but was also very enjoyable.


3. For my fans (hugs and kisses) do you think I can keep up the dialogue scores without Jackal spitting filth all over the back of your computer screens?

^^


4. How's the ending? I had ideas that would have ruined the flow, so I decided to do something experimental. Yes, I'm sure the wind thing is in my head because of the 'Wheel of Time' series. But, where as WoT uses it as an intro, I used it at the end. That means I'm not ripping anyone off. =P

Funny you should ask. I set out writing this to compliment your last post. I loved the way you shifted perspective -- it really worked. I'm sorry I can't explain exactly why, but I was very satisfied and had the sense that it was very fitting after the strange journey into Shadar's mind.


Thanks to anyone who responds, and I promise to not do this again any time soon. It's just been a very long time since I wrote and an even longer time since I had anything judged.

(Bonus Question)

5. Will you miss Diamond Jackal? Cause he's gone. Totally. Never coming back. No reason to suspect otherwise.

Nah. I had enough of him. ^^ But you know, I'm more of the high fantasy type, so that character type isn't my favorite to read. I was glad he left, but the only real criticism story-wise I had was that he left so suddenly. He seemed so determined in the beginning but then wimped away, and it didn't make a lot of sense why. I could've seen him leaving if Shadar defeated him more thoroughly than just locking him out of a portion of his mind. Could've been me though; I sometimes read too quickly when I want to know what will happen. :)

Other than that, there were a few easily-fixed mechanical errors that didn't really even interrupt the flow of your story. This was a great read - your framing and imagery were gorgeous and the story highly imaginative! Good enough that I'll be seeking out your other works to enjoy them as well (in spite of Jackal). Kudos! And welcome back!

Edit: Atzar and I hit on a few of the same things, and I'd like to reiterate what he/she said about feedback. Anytime - give or take, it makes us better! :)

[Shadar]

Jackal would be sad to hear that you do not find him to be the shizznit. =)

As for him leaving, I always have had issues writing a proper switch from fight to flight. Something for me to watch out for.

Thank you guys. Anytime you want me to read your stuff or write something with you, don't be afraid to ask.

Edit: I changed the dashes to commas in the first sentence, just cause it was bugging me. I'm not going to change anything else though, seeing as it's already been submitted.

[Sagequeen]

Jackal would be sad to hear that you do not find him to be the shizznit. =)

Well, to tell you the truth, he wouldn't have affected me the way he did if you didn't write him the way you did - so it would seem you achieved your purpose with him. He struck a nerve, and what's a story if it's all unicorns and rainbows? :) Definitely don't want to give the wrong impression about that -- he was a strong antagonist!

[Shadar]

He'll still be around as an antagonist. (Question 5 needs a sarcastic winky face.) Though, I'm looking forward to being able to write Shadar without his antagonist perpetually getting in his way.