The Greatest Story Anyone on This Site Will Ever Read or Write

[Revenant]

2627

I'm such a god damned poet.

Read my words ye mortals and despa...

Hey, is this thing on?

Does anybody even read this shit?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

SWEET! It echoes in here.

*gurgle*

Man I shouldn't have eaten those tacos.

Ugh, fuck it. I'm out.

You all can suck a dick and die.

-Cydney Oliver

[Revenant]

The tavern business had been slow that day, seeing only a small crowd of regulars and perhaps a passing adventurer or two. Yes, it was just another day at the aptly named Tavern.

And then William came flying in the window (I'm not exactly sure how he was flying. Post up your theories and I'll choose the best.) all like, "Grrrrrrrr........" and then started just punching people in the dicks. That's right, I said dicks. Aleran people have two dicks. There I wrote it so it's canon now.

Fuckers.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Jensen was in this bar. Why? William's fucking abs. Have you seen them? I mean...shit. You could grate cheese on those things! Jensen found his own dick rise for these abs! I mean, damn! Then william punched a dude's dick. Like...what the fuck?

"Someone should stop him!" The bar tender shouted. Jensen looked to the bartender, then, with all his passion flipped her. Not flipped her off. Flipped her. He bent over, grabbed her by the ankles and lifted with all his might (how the hell he was this strong is really not the theme here. It's William's abs. Cliff note that shit or google it. It's legendary!) The barmaid looked to the immortal, and Jensen was like...

"Oh, you want to get flipped too?" And Jensen flipped her! In the same manner. Up she went, down she went, flipped and shamed.

"What's that beer cup?" Jensen shouted. "You want to be flipped too?" And up it went, flipping in the air.

"Oh, you too plate?" And up the plate went. Jensen scavenged the land for more things, eyes filled with hatred and malice as he ran to a table.

"I'm gonna flip you table!" And Jensen flipped the table! Oh my god! JENSEN FLIPPED THE TABLE SMACK DAB IN HALF!

"Oh, you too bar stools?" One, two, THREE! (HA HA HA!) They were flipped too.

"What's that? You feel left out bar table?" Jensen lowered himself and grabbed the foundations of the bar table and flipped it! He flipped the table, oh my god!

"You want some of this too, reader? Ya you do! Come 'ere!" And Jensen flipped you, the reader off.

((Judge's note: I think it's unfair for Wiliam to have Abs of legendary skill, but not put that in his profile...not professional at all!))

[Rayse Valentino]

Rayse was more nervous than he had ever been his entire life. This was the day. This was all it was leading up to. This was it. It was this. Was this it? Was it this? This it was.

It this was.

He sat down in the chair in the dark room, spotlight upon his soul bared for all to see. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? The world was cruel. Nothing made sense anymore. He made sure to cast Mystic Protection just in case.

A figure approached. Well, it looked more like a stick figure. I don't need to describe it. Just imagine someone really cool-looking. Also imagine a really cool setting. There. I got all the points I could get.

The figure said, "Do YOU have what it takes to join The Invincible Immortals, LLC?"

Rayse was silent. This was the hardest question anyone has ever asked in his lif- "Yes."

"Okay," said the highly-detailed person. "I'm gonna ask you a few questions for your initiation. Hypothetical type of things. Pretend they're real or whatever. I don't care. I got a plane to catch. Question 1: Someone tries to hit you, what happens?"

"They miss?"

"Correct! Okay next question: Someone shoots you with a gun or a fireball or whatever, what happens? Also for bonus points, what else could happen?"

"This is easy. They miss again, and for bonus points I deflect it. This wasn't as hard as I thought. You should recruit me."

"Sorry. We only write solos."

((VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV please dock her points, it doesn't say ANYWHERE in her profile that she can make peach daquiris))

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla entered the bar...Why was Kyla here you ask? Some would say it was for William's abs, but in fact she had just read in the magic book of canon that the guys here had two dicks. I don't think I have to explain any further.

When she entered the bar her eyes settled on Jensen. "Seriously, you ass? You had to flip the bartender before I got a drink? How am I supposed to get over the dissapointment of all the dicks in here being punched if I can't get drunk?"

Kyla made herself a peach daquiri (Yes, Rev, peach.) and sat on top of one of the flipped tables, hoping soon a non-damaged two-dicked man would join the fray.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

"What's that peach daquiri? You want this too?" Jensen ran over and grabbed her drink, and flipped it so it spilt all over her shirt. It was white now, regardless of what you think!

"What's that boobies? Double d? Let's turn that into double p's!"

(/) °' o '°)/ d ~~p

Ahhhhhhhh yeah....

"You want this too?" Jensen grabbed Kyla and flipped her!

[Revenant]

What's that?!? You want some?!?

William grabs his head and his soul at the same time.

"Rrrrraaaaaaagggggghhhhh!!!"

*wild William begins storing power*

[Rayse Valentino]

A dejected [RAYSE] entered the tavern hoping to score some blow because hell yeah that's what we at here dawg wut wut?

He couldn't understand the raunchy raucous caused by raucid raunches who were raunging raucously with utmost raunchiness and raucousness.

"Wait! We can solve this peacefully! I have a badge of Mediation Solving™ right here!" He reached around a badge-looking object on his shirt and pulled out a banana. "See! Here it is!"

He threw the banana at Jensen AmbrosiaWhataHoesia.

[Amber Eyes]

^^^^That would be powergaming if I didn't find the idea of being flipped so sexy.

Kyla stood, now covered in the peach daquiri of shame. Her points had been docked because she hadn't realized making daquiri's counted as an ability under 3.0 guidlines and damnit shouldn't Letho have said something? Her mystic protection should have gone off when Jensen flipped her, but honestly she was drunk and so it just didn't happen. She wanted to look at William again but since he hadn't updated with his whearabouts recently she didn't want to risk powergaming by stating what he was doing.

"What the hell was that for?" Kyla looked down at her shirt and the now-visible items below it. "Oh...I'm sorry Jensen but not tonight. I don't want to put on the red wig and let you do it from behind so you can pretend I'm your dead fiance...I'm just not in the mood."

(NIIIINNNJJJJAAAAADDDD, that's what you say when your too lazy to write out that someone posted faster than you right?)

[Rayse Valentino]

sorry for posting again so soon but i think it's time for a break for our sponsors.

are you smelly? afraid to go outside because of what people may think, what people may SAY? well don't worry your rancid little self, we have just the thing for you!

introducing SOAP. that's right ladies and gentlemen with this little device you can be proud to go outside and smell the roses without them wilting because of your bodacious body odor.

order in the next 15 minutes and you'll receive a coupon redeemable at the bazaar for 50% off any purchase, but only for really basic items that you would never otherwise buy because you could just pick them all up in the first post of any thread and nobody will care. this coupon is not redeemable for anything that's actually valuable or interesting, just regular stuff like a t-shirt or a plate.

we now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

[Amber Eyes]

^^^^Points docked for making me nearly pee myself

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Jensen entered the break.

He flipped the soap.

He flipped the plate.

He flipped the coupon.

"I'm sorry, this offer is expired."

He then re-entered the bar.

He flipped Kyla, the red wig, and the blow.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla landed hard after being flipped the second time and the red wig landed atop her head.

"Fine Jensen, but just keep in mind that this is only happening because I am an underdeveloped character with a daddy complex. I'll be in the bathroom."

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Meanwhile off-screen to avoid having to post a content warning.

Jensen flipped the bathroom, the toilet, and Kyla's world.

[Amber Eyes]

"Just stop crying, it really ruins the climax dude." Kyla re-enters the bar and makes herself a peach daquiri, figuring they can't dock her again for the same thing. She then kicked at a stack of papers on the ground, growing excited when she saw the coupon. "I found a coupone for an item at the bazaar! I love going to the bazaar because no one else shops there and there are never any lines. I really needed a place to spend this GP I've been collecting for two years and don't know what to do with!"

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Tear stained and dejected, Jensen wipes the dribble frm his cheek.

"Daquiri!!!!!" He shouts and runs to flip it!

"Fuck you Rayse" He flips him too.

[Revenant]

"Grrraaaaahhhh......."

*wild William's Charging at 20%*

*Power Level: 2000*

[Rayse Valentino]

*gets flipped*

::is flipping::

// flip mode activate

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla made her way towards the Revenant.

"Hey William, remember that time we went to the zoo?"

------

"Yeah, me too."





"Hey William, remember that time we fought in the Citadel?"

------------

"Yeah, me too."






"Hey William, remember that time you let a psycho bitch into my home and gave her free reign?"

------------

"Yeah....me too."


Kyla grabbed a bottle of whisky and handed it to the Revenant.

"SOMEONE ENTERTAIN ME" She shouted to the group.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Jense. Rushed forwards and flipped kyla up in the air, then lept up to the sky, grabbing her by her double p's and flipping them back into d's, plummiting to the earth using her double d's as a balloon to cushion their fall and crash into the earth.


There was a huge explosion....


There were no suvivors....

(You all died to my amazing attacks! I call it the Kyla Ambrose DP!!!)

[Rayse Valentino]

(i come back to life later because i'm immortal.)

(also i'm half ~vampyre~ and half angyl so my wings carry me 2 heaven.)

[Revenant]

Jensen's attack isn't very effective.

William - HP: 999,998 / 999,999

*William receives Bottle of Whisky*

"GRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!*

*charge counter increased*

*wild William continues charging*

*Charge at 60%*

Power Level: 9001

[Rayse Valentino]

"Heh. This is what we called a Super Mystic."

Rayse's hair turns orange and he grows big butterfly wings.

"And this is the next level. An Ascended Super Mystic. Or a Super Mystic 2."

Rayse grows a giant cleft chin and starts wearing an orange karate gi that came out of nowhere.

"But this... this is the level beyond that. A Super Mystic 3!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Rayse transforms into Chumley.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Runs for chumley, flips him in the air, and transforms him back into [rayse].

((Not power gaming because i have an ability that ignores mystics and their abilities. That's why i got through Kyla's mystic protection....

But you know what isn't funny? Unprotected sex. Seriousky fuck wads, look st what we are accomplishing! Don't go into the hole without your gear. Captain winky needs his raincoat and all that jazz! If none available remember there is always a chance for the back door special....


...which reminds me. Who the hell actually pays for the meals in a thread? Tell you guys what. You order food at the bazaar, 90% discoint anything expired by three weeks. Won't last long! Hurry!))

[Silence Sei]

*Sh00tz arows 4t j0o!*

That is all.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

"WAIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!" Jensen screeched for attention, for it really all is what he wanted in life. Just someone to understand him and love him and care for him. Just a little attention to get him through a long day of having those things you love get...get flipped...

"Wait wait wait wait wait! No, hold the phone..." What a phone was, Jensen didn't know, but he held it, as did everyone else.

"Is William's power level....


http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii3/cdcracing/over9000.jpg

[Rayse Valentino]

unfortunately all our sponsors dropped us after jensen's last post so the following is just 15 minutes of static

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ












ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ











ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ









ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ










ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ



they're coming for you





ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ









ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ










ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT

we now return to our regularly scheduled programming

[Enigmatic Immortal]

"FUCK YOU Z!"

(√)°o°)√ Z~~N

"FUCK YOU N!"

(√) °o°)√ N~~Z

"Hey...wait a second..." Jensen mumbled.



(n) o.o) Z


"WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?"

(√) •_•)√ Z~~N


(n) •_•) N

Jensen is confused....


(√)°π°)√ N~~Z


(n)•__•') Z


(n) -__°) Z


"Well played Z...."

[Max Dirks]

And, from the heavens, the admin hammer comes down and bans:

Enigmatic Immortal,
Rayse Valentino,
Amber Eyes,
Revenant,
and Silence Sei...

Max Dirks wins...flawless victory.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Inserts cheat codes to get unbanned. Jensen takes Dirk's imaginary guns that don't even make sense and shoots them in his face.




FATALITY!

[Revenant]

Sei's arows hit for 10,000 damage.

William - HP: 989,998 / 999,999

*Max Dicks banhammer is not very effective*

"GRRRRAAAAAHHHH!"

*Charge at 100%*

MEGA-DICK PUNCH!

William proceeds to punch the dick off of everyone ... ever. Then he sits down and eats pancakes. Mutha fucking pancakes!

Bitch titties!

[Duffy]

((Posting in this just to get out of having to judge it...:p)).

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Closed, submitted for judgment!

[Sagequeen]

Here's ya score, bitches...


(√)°o°)√ 100

*flips your hunerd*

001.


Done and done.

[Amber Eyes]

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[Paladin]

EXP/GP added! Thread will stay here for the time being, pending approval for a JC.

[Duffy]

Jerk's Choice?

[Margaret]

Margaret kills everybody and they can't come back to life. Ever.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

jensen wrote this hella small, just for margaret that. You see he has a tiny story to tell....

Once there was a tiny hippo, who had a tiny train. He took that train everywhere he went. Then one day, a tiny raven came and stole tiny hippos tiny train. Tiny hippo was really sad, as sad as could be. But he gained courage and went up the tiny hill

Through the tiny valley

And climbed the tiny tree


And then SHANKED tiny raven's tiny bitch ass...

Ain't no one fucks with tiny hippo...

Ain't no one...

t(•_•)t

[Zook Murnig]

The Greatest Story Anyone on This Site Will Ever Read or Write - Judgment

Story - XXX/30
Storytelling - X/10
Pacing - X/10
Setting - X/10

Characterization - XXX/30
Persona - X/10
Action - X/10
Communication - X/10

Prose - XXX/30
Technique - X/10
Mechanics - X/10
Clarity - X/10

Wild Card - X/10

TOTAL - C/100

[Duffy]

Err, where's our XP?

[Zook Murnig]

The Greatest Story Anyone on This Site Will Ever Read or Write - Judgment

Story - 5/30
Storytelling - 2/10 What is this, I don't even?
Pacing - 1/10 Incredibly unrealistic pacing. William should never have reached 100% power so quickly, and Super Mystic 3 should take at least 100 posts to attain. This is elementary, guys.
Setting - 2/10
Imagine a really cool setting. I did. You didn't. The most that the group of you gave was that you were in a tavern and that there were tables, chairs, and a counter, and that they were all at one point or another flipped.

Characterization - 6/30
Persona - 2/10 The only thing I learned about any of your characters is that Jensen Ambrose is incredibly broken up over the loss of his fiance, and that he's really into dudes.
Action - 2/10 Emotes. Hilarious, but ineffective. 'Nuff said.
Communication - 2/10 Poor communication throughout, and the only actual interaction between characters was between EI and Amber Eyes, which was short-lived.

Prose - 15/30
Technique - 6/10 Even in a thread where you're essentially just fucking around, it's clear that you guys know what you're doing. You didn't make many attempts here, but what you did (as noted in Mechanics) was well executed.
Mechanics - 6/10 Great mechanics through most of the thread. Not only that, but there were some attempts to play with word choice and word order that were played for laughs. A couple of posts had chunks of misspellings, but they seemed intentional.
Clarity - 3/10 Nothing was really unclear, despite the lack of major description.

Wild Card - 10/10 Ten out of ten, would fuck.
TOTAL - 36/100

Revenant gains -519 EXP
Enigmatic Immortal gains -1210 EXP
Amber Eyes gains -572 EXP
Rayse Valentino gains -639 EXP
All gold withheld to pay for property damage to the iconic tavern of Ettermire, the Tavern.

Single posters get nothing.

[Zook Murnig]

Per request from administration, a single EXP will be awarded per word for those who posted between 1 and 3 times.

Duffy Bracken gains -19 EXP
Sagequeen gains -13 EXP
Paladin gains -16 EXP
Margaret gains -11 EXP
Silence Sei gains -7 EXP
Max Dirks gains -26 EXP

[Zook Murnig]

lolnope. Zero EXP for everyone. Downlevels where appropriate, Letho. :p