Enigmatic Immortal
05-13-12, 04:11 AM
Multi Battle Judgments
These Judgments will be done as condensed judgments to save time. Firstly, I want everyone to know that I did enjoy the amount of communication in this round, as opposed to the last round. This time you guys told a very engaging story and it did well to serve the scores.
Okay, let’s start with the judgments.
Silence Sei:
Story 23
Story – This, was perhaps, the best depth of character reflection I have ever seen Sei go through. He not only bled, cried, and screamed, but he showed that the man doesn’t just ‘win’ because he’s Sei Orlouge. The dynamic of his family in danger, coupled with his terror of trying to find Kyla, and the horrid conclusion of what he witnessed Anita do, made this a great read.
Setting – Sei, this is the worst of your scores in story. You’re getting better, so don’t take that as an insult, but a little more work will bring it all together. You are nearing the hat trick in this area.
Pacing – You kept the flow of this story moving well enough to keep the action at a nice knife edge tension. I was in the halls rushing with Sei as I read, so to speak, gripped and hooked waiting to read more. Good job
Characterization – 25
Persona – Here is where you scored the highest. I touched upon the reasons in Story, and it’s your character that drove it perfectly.
Communication – You did well with the number of people involved in this, and for that, you got a solid score. Making it better is more based on the people involved with you, and when there is more than two it can get crazy.
Action – There was plenty of action within this one, and is usually your strongest going trait when you write. I got nothing here to add for you.
Prose – 18
Mechanics & Clarity – And here, Sei, is where it all fell apart. Especially towards the end. You rushed the story, which was fine, the conclusion was well worth it, but you lost out on some misspellings or outright missed words. I am not going to hammer you, it’s not like it’s a mystery how to solve it, so just keep that in mind.
Technique – A solid attempt at trying new things in the writing world. Well done. Keep pushing your limits and attempting new things.
Wild Card
You solidly did a good read, and I had quite the trip on this round with the story. Your passion for the family angle really helped sell this story and it was perfectly executed. Keep up the work.
6
Total = 74
~~~~~
The Cinderella Man
Story – 21
Story – It was interesting to see the angle you spun on this tale of Victor, and while maybe not as heart touching as Sei’s troubles, or heart stopping as Kyla’s, Victor managed to find a way to shine in the story without stealing thunder in a negative manner. You did a good job. Bad news? The not getting to conclude hurt this score.
Setting – Always at the forefront and well done. Nothing new to report.
Pacing – A few slight hiccups, but never enough to really steal from the moment. This was mostly due to your story not being the main event.
Characterization – 25
Persona – Victor’s character shined all through the interrogation, as well as when he started having his moments of doubt about the side he chose to back. I got a good feel for him, even more so than in the previous multi-battle, and it makes me like Victor that much more.
Communication – Victor made sure when he spoke, it had purpose. So it had a lot of weight behind it. That’s what adds to the persona of Victor, and that sorta flair that makes him so likeable despite being a jerk sometimes. (Pointing a gun at an old lady…shameful…what would your mother think?)
Action – Where in Communication I said you spoke with weight, the other shoe fits just as well. Your actions are vivid and well within the way Victor feels, and it’s a solid performance.
Prose – 24
Mechanics and Clarity – You pretty much nailed it all on the head, and only once or twice did I need to clarify something going on. Overall, there is nothing bad with what you did, and as always a great example of writing. Go write a book and make money.
Technique – Seriously. Write a book. You have great advanced techniques that you use to really help in all the aspects of the story; from action, to communication, your technique solidly fuses each piece together. Not too surprising coming from you.
Wildcard
I like Victor, and I enjoy reading more about him. You just need to write more often. A solid performance in this act.
6
Total = 76
~~~~~
Homunculus
Story – 18
Story – The use of the Cult’s motives were the highlight of your story, and made an interesting hook, but the issue I had was the execution. You had a few scenes that built some tension, but it fell flat in others. This mostly happened around the battle segment in the gardens. Also, the conclusion end of the story was rather lack luster.
Setting – This was the area you got hurt the most, as some scenes merely touched the scene and left it at that. Back drops tend to ruin the feel of the story, focusing too much on areas that need a breather once in a while. Can’t go heavy dialogue all the time without something to back it up. Same with action and personal reflection. Setting is what helps break that up.
Pacing – Your pacing wasn’t too bad, but there was one or two posts that just felt like filler and not adding anything to the final overall story. You can avoid this by communicating with the other players to have a more fluid transition from post to post.
Characterization - 18
Persona – Draug is still coming a bit into his own, but in this round he was outshined by the main players who really pushed new ideas and feelings. You remained relatively the same in demeanor and action from the last round, and that pushed you further behind the back drop of the overall story.
Action – You did a well done job with the fighting parts, but you were less so in between. Action isn’t just battle, but also moving through the halls, observing the world around you, and what can help with this is setting…nothing new I’m saying to you.
Communication – In this category, it was the weakest of the three. I know Draug is a man of little words, but look at how Cinderella Man does his words. They speak volumes for the few times he does talk. When Draug does say something, it needs to be profound if he’ll be so quite; otherwise his actions need to carry out his facial expressions to convey the quiet emotion.
Prose - 17
Mechanics – You had a pretty good handle on the proof reading; very few errors.
Clarity – Your actions can tend to trip up a reader, making them go back just to ensure they can get a better idea on what exactly you did. Simpler actions will help, and using your *ahem* SETTING *cough* can help make easy to read sentences pop.
Technique – A pretty basic run through using a few advanced techniques here and there. Overall, nothing too impressive. I still want to see you push your comfort zone out more, and you’ll do fine.
Wildcard
You had a pretty decent idea for a story, but it was just not strong enough to carry you in this round compared to the events going on. Never feel like you can’t ask the other players what plans they got going on and how you can fit into the mix.
4
Total = 57
~~~~
Amber Eyes
Story – 23
Story - A mother’s desire to save her son from the clutches of deranged kidnappers…hell yes! You played the distressed, stressed, and morally confused heroine very well, and the story was fueled by Kyla’s passion to save her son. The beginning was a nice tension maker, and the conclusion was an expertly crafted. You left me wanting more; that’s a job well done.
Setting – You touch upon the caves very well, and mention the castle, but you do need to bring more of it to life. You’re making it work though, and doing a better job since the last round, so don’t take that as a negative knock off.
Pacing – Kyla’s scene where she entered her room and waited for death to come was a unique hook, but unfortunately, something didn’t translate. I don’t know if you mis-communicated with a player, or they didn’t tell you something. Besides that little hiccup, you were on page with everyone else.
Characterization – 20
Persona – Oozing out the screen. In droves. Kyla was conflicted, scared, angry, frustrated, calm, calculating, and a train wreck of emotions that can’t be placed under a microscope. It never once felt misplaced or out of tune with the events going on. Well done.
Action – Sadly, this is where you take your first turn for the worse. A lot of running around and not getting much accomplished in the start, plus that hiccup hurt you a bit with opportunities. However on the other foot you came roaring back at the conclusion with that brilliant cliff hanger. Consistency is key.
Communication – Kyla did well to convey her words to everyone she interacted with, including her own inner reflections. A well done job.
Prose – 19
Mechanics and Clarity – Ok. Time constraints. They suck hard because you end up using the last few hours to cram out the rest of the story as swiftly as possible, and it hurt you a lot here. Also, I am going ot inform you Azza Ambrose has White hair, and maroon eyes (Though maroon and red are close enough, so I didn’t dock any for that). Typos, especially missed words or incorrect information, however trivial, can stop a reader’s flow and bring himself out of the reading world to ponder about something that shouldn’t have caused them to stop in the first place. I strongly feel this was due to cramming it all in at last minute, so don’t beat yourself up over it.
Technique – You stuck to some pretty basic techniques here, just like last round. However I did notice an honest attempt to try a few new things, and you really gave it a go towards the end. Keep practicing, and you’ll do fine!
Wildcard
You drove me through each and every emotion Kyla felt, and you managed to come to a conclusion that left me pining for more. This is what a well done story should accomplish. You did a good job and you should be proud.
5
Total = 67
~~~~
Aimer
Story - 19
Story – The reluctant fighter forced into the role of protector created a unique story that had an interesting hook with all that was going on. But with the intensity of the other main players in this battle, this character’s story was a bit back washed in the tidal wave. However, it did directly have an impact at points in the others, and for that, I have an appreciation for the guy.
Setting – This is another area that took a dive, mostly due to the first person angle you built up. What few bits you touched upon felt like mere backdrops. You know how to raise this score up, I trust you’ll find a better way in the future to make it happen.
Pacing – There were a few hiccups with Aimer’s placing considering the grand events going on around the castle. However, it wasn’t so horrible that I docked you majorly for it. He was a more support oriented character, and it showed, but in a war like this, he needs to find a way to step out of the shadows of the other big names in the lot.
Characterization – 18
Persona – The first person narrative gives me great insights into the world of Aimer, and he had a strong sense of identity and worth. The scene where he comments about combat highs was a nice touch to show how even someone with no skill in combat is caught up in the necessity to fight. It was an interesting take, but as with first person narrative’s, they can get a little stale; to counter that I suggest more interaction of the environments effect on him in a non direct way.
Communication – Not too shabby, but not too great either, very down the middle. This was in part due to him being a supporting role in the overall story. So I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
Action – Aimer’s actions were all in line with his character’s abilities, demeanor, and style of personality I got from him as a guy. Well done.
Prose – 18
Mechanics and Clarity – The work you put in had little errors, and was a truly well done example of good proofreading, but you still had errors, and where there are errors, there are hiccups for clarity.
Technique – First person narrative’s are hard to pull off, and you have a solid grasp on the basics, keep working at it and it will only get better.
Wildcard
Aimer’s battle in this was a hard sell with the greater events going on, and why I like this tale is it’s nice sometimes to just see someone who isn’t althanas’ next bad ass, but a normal everyday guy just doing normal everyday things. It was such a refreshing perspective that I enjoyed it very much.
6
Total = 61
~~~~
Dalasi
Story – 17
Story – Ok, I’m not going to lie. Dalasi’s story was rather bland by comparison to the others, and your conclusion post was just…I can’t describe it. Imagine my jaw slacked to the side with one eye wide open and the other closed. It wasn’t really satisfying, and while the sudden change on your ally was justified and in line with what your character would do, something about it just fell flat.
Setting – The workhorse of this endeavor. You always manage to do just fine, but even here it was a bit…lacking, especially towards the end.
Pacing – A stronger point is your pacing here, which flowed well with Draug’s inclusion and played off Aimer well also. This helped you out a lot here and I suggest you work more closely with the opposing team. Dalasi could have been a bigger player.
Characterization – 16
Persona – Cydnar…I mean Dalasi…or did I? What’s the difference again? Dalasi and Cydnar are falling too close to one another Persona wise, and that made it difficult for me to get past through as I read your character.
Communication – You had good dialogue set up with Aimer as you two interacted, however when it came to Draug, the 180 turn didn’t seem all that in tune with the demeanor of Dalasi. It could be that in a war, where you are in the nemy base, you sort of wandered in with no clear direction. Then Draug came and you had a direction…that was…fighting your team.
Action – a solid effort to build up some good action when Draug came out and about.
Prose – 21
Mechanics & Clarity – Nothing really wrong here, a few minor errors, but these two usually are your solid points in this area. You are getting better and better with fewer and fewer errors. Keep it up.
Technique – You got the issue of Cydnar and Dalasi both working in the same exact manner, and so It gets repetitive really quickly. Like all your characters, sir, please find the uniqueness within them and make them shine.
Wildcard
This was a decent read, but I’ve read better from you and I’ve seen you write better stories. It’s a little disheartening to see you lose the passion in this war, as I think that’s what it is that took you out. You’ll be fine, I’m sure, but in team battles where people depend on you, you really should bring your A game.
3
Total = 57
~~~~
Death’s Apprentice
Story - 17
Story – You had I think the only Pro Phoenix Ascension story in this whole battle. I think it was the only pro war character in it at all. Everyone else was running with agendas, and you snuck in against a foe that had no heart left to finish the war. You had an interesting ending, one that had a great conclusion, but everything to get you there was just a drag. Like, you weren’t sure where to go from where you were stuck.
Setting – You had a good run here, but it wasn’t consistent, and felt more like a touch and go. You are, however, doing well to use action and setting together, so keep that up. It’s looking really good.
Pacing – Your pacing through the thread was touch and go, and this may have to do with your computer situation at home, so don’t take it personally. I know you know how to write battles, but I think that was your biggest weakness here.
Characterization – 19
Persona – If I didn’t know from talking with you that Levi was just a perv, I would have assumed little miss spy was a slut who slept around to get inside the castle. And that’s asking what people interpreted your opening post. If you use NPC’s like that, you need to define their role, and why they are brought into the story. Not everyone will read your works and know who they are, and this throws off the Persona of the character you’ve worked hard on. The reporter/spy angle was cute, and totally fits her, however.
Communication – Your strongest point, as with most stories, is your communication skills. I have nothing but props to give you here.
Action – There sadly just wasn’t enough action FROM her, but plenty around her. You had a great opportunity to take the events going on and make it strong. You did that and it awarded you well in Persona when she freaked out and admitted everything when a gun was involved, but that was all you did with that tension.
Prose – 17
Mechanics & Clarity – You had a few errors and missed words, but it didn’t hurt your clarity too much, which is the highest selling point here.
Technique – You had a very basic tried and true method, and I wish you’d push your boundaries some more. I want to see you succeed, and a higher advanced technique is going to get you there.
Wildcard
You did a good job with what you had, but you weren’t given a whole lot. The ending was great, and I do enjoy the idea of seeing what she would do with that sensitive information, but In the end, you had a few hiccups that just harmed this story too much. Still, a great job, and you shouldn’t sell yourself short as a lot of the issues I think had to do with timing, and the situation you are in concerning your computer.
6
Total = 59
~~~~~
The Winners are:
Silence Sei
Amber Eyes
Cinderella Man
Aimer HayneRogers
These Judgments will be done as condensed judgments to save time. Firstly, I want everyone to know that I did enjoy the amount of communication in this round, as opposed to the last round. This time you guys told a very engaging story and it did well to serve the scores.
Okay, let’s start with the judgments.
Silence Sei:
Story 23
Story – This, was perhaps, the best depth of character reflection I have ever seen Sei go through. He not only bled, cried, and screamed, but he showed that the man doesn’t just ‘win’ because he’s Sei Orlouge. The dynamic of his family in danger, coupled with his terror of trying to find Kyla, and the horrid conclusion of what he witnessed Anita do, made this a great read.
Setting – Sei, this is the worst of your scores in story. You’re getting better, so don’t take that as an insult, but a little more work will bring it all together. You are nearing the hat trick in this area.
Pacing – You kept the flow of this story moving well enough to keep the action at a nice knife edge tension. I was in the halls rushing with Sei as I read, so to speak, gripped and hooked waiting to read more. Good job
Characterization – 25
Persona – Here is where you scored the highest. I touched upon the reasons in Story, and it’s your character that drove it perfectly.
Communication – You did well with the number of people involved in this, and for that, you got a solid score. Making it better is more based on the people involved with you, and when there is more than two it can get crazy.
Action – There was plenty of action within this one, and is usually your strongest going trait when you write. I got nothing here to add for you.
Prose – 18
Mechanics & Clarity – And here, Sei, is where it all fell apart. Especially towards the end. You rushed the story, which was fine, the conclusion was well worth it, but you lost out on some misspellings or outright missed words. I am not going to hammer you, it’s not like it’s a mystery how to solve it, so just keep that in mind.
Technique – A solid attempt at trying new things in the writing world. Well done. Keep pushing your limits and attempting new things.
Wild Card
You solidly did a good read, and I had quite the trip on this round with the story. Your passion for the family angle really helped sell this story and it was perfectly executed. Keep up the work.
6
Total = 74
~~~~~
The Cinderella Man
Story – 21
Story – It was interesting to see the angle you spun on this tale of Victor, and while maybe not as heart touching as Sei’s troubles, or heart stopping as Kyla’s, Victor managed to find a way to shine in the story without stealing thunder in a negative manner. You did a good job. Bad news? The not getting to conclude hurt this score.
Setting – Always at the forefront and well done. Nothing new to report.
Pacing – A few slight hiccups, but never enough to really steal from the moment. This was mostly due to your story not being the main event.
Characterization – 25
Persona – Victor’s character shined all through the interrogation, as well as when he started having his moments of doubt about the side he chose to back. I got a good feel for him, even more so than in the previous multi-battle, and it makes me like Victor that much more.
Communication – Victor made sure when he spoke, it had purpose. So it had a lot of weight behind it. That’s what adds to the persona of Victor, and that sorta flair that makes him so likeable despite being a jerk sometimes. (Pointing a gun at an old lady…shameful…what would your mother think?)
Action – Where in Communication I said you spoke with weight, the other shoe fits just as well. Your actions are vivid and well within the way Victor feels, and it’s a solid performance.
Prose – 24
Mechanics and Clarity – You pretty much nailed it all on the head, and only once or twice did I need to clarify something going on. Overall, there is nothing bad with what you did, and as always a great example of writing. Go write a book and make money.
Technique – Seriously. Write a book. You have great advanced techniques that you use to really help in all the aspects of the story; from action, to communication, your technique solidly fuses each piece together. Not too surprising coming from you.
Wildcard
I like Victor, and I enjoy reading more about him. You just need to write more often. A solid performance in this act.
6
Total = 76
~~~~~
Homunculus
Story – 18
Story – The use of the Cult’s motives were the highlight of your story, and made an interesting hook, but the issue I had was the execution. You had a few scenes that built some tension, but it fell flat in others. This mostly happened around the battle segment in the gardens. Also, the conclusion end of the story was rather lack luster.
Setting – This was the area you got hurt the most, as some scenes merely touched the scene and left it at that. Back drops tend to ruin the feel of the story, focusing too much on areas that need a breather once in a while. Can’t go heavy dialogue all the time without something to back it up. Same with action and personal reflection. Setting is what helps break that up.
Pacing – Your pacing wasn’t too bad, but there was one or two posts that just felt like filler and not adding anything to the final overall story. You can avoid this by communicating with the other players to have a more fluid transition from post to post.
Characterization - 18
Persona – Draug is still coming a bit into his own, but in this round he was outshined by the main players who really pushed new ideas and feelings. You remained relatively the same in demeanor and action from the last round, and that pushed you further behind the back drop of the overall story.
Action – You did a well done job with the fighting parts, but you were less so in between. Action isn’t just battle, but also moving through the halls, observing the world around you, and what can help with this is setting…nothing new I’m saying to you.
Communication – In this category, it was the weakest of the three. I know Draug is a man of little words, but look at how Cinderella Man does his words. They speak volumes for the few times he does talk. When Draug does say something, it needs to be profound if he’ll be so quite; otherwise his actions need to carry out his facial expressions to convey the quiet emotion.
Prose - 17
Mechanics – You had a pretty good handle on the proof reading; very few errors.
Clarity – Your actions can tend to trip up a reader, making them go back just to ensure they can get a better idea on what exactly you did. Simpler actions will help, and using your *ahem* SETTING *cough* can help make easy to read sentences pop.
Technique – A pretty basic run through using a few advanced techniques here and there. Overall, nothing too impressive. I still want to see you push your comfort zone out more, and you’ll do fine.
Wildcard
You had a pretty decent idea for a story, but it was just not strong enough to carry you in this round compared to the events going on. Never feel like you can’t ask the other players what plans they got going on and how you can fit into the mix.
4
Total = 57
~~~~
Amber Eyes
Story – 23
Story - A mother’s desire to save her son from the clutches of deranged kidnappers…hell yes! You played the distressed, stressed, and morally confused heroine very well, and the story was fueled by Kyla’s passion to save her son. The beginning was a nice tension maker, and the conclusion was an expertly crafted. You left me wanting more; that’s a job well done.
Setting – You touch upon the caves very well, and mention the castle, but you do need to bring more of it to life. You’re making it work though, and doing a better job since the last round, so don’t take that as a negative knock off.
Pacing – Kyla’s scene where she entered her room and waited for death to come was a unique hook, but unfortunately, something didn’t translate. I don’t know if you mis-communicated with a player, or they didn’t tell you something. Besides that little hiccup, you were on page with everyone else.
Characterization – 20
Persona – Oozing out the screen. In droves. Kyla was conflicted, scared, angry, frustrated, calm, calculating, and a train wreck of emotions that can’t be placed under a microscope. It never once felt misplaced or out of tune with the events going on. Well done.
Action – Sadly, this is where you take your first turn for the worse. A lot of running around and not getting much accomplished in the start, plus that hiccup hurt you a bit with opportunities. However on the other foot you came roaring back at the conclusion with that brilliant cliff hanger. Consistency is key.
Communication – Kyla did well to convey her words to everyone she interacted with, including her own inner reflections. A well done job.
Prose – 19
Mechanics and Clarity – Ok. Time constraints. They suck hard because you end up using the last few hours to cram out the rest of the story as swiftly as possible, and it hurt you a lot here. Also, I am going ot inform you Azza Ambrose has White hair, and maroon eyes (Though maroon and red are close enough, so I didn’t dock any for that). Typos, especially missed words or incorrect information, however trivial, can stop a reader’s flow and bring himself out of the reading world to ponder about something that shouldn’t have caused them to stop in the first place. I strongly feel this was due to cramming it all in at last minute, so don’t beat yourself up over it.
Technique – You stuck to some pretty basic techniques here, just like last round. However I did notice an honest attempt to try a few new things, and you really gave it a go towards the end. Keep practicing, and you’ll do fine!
Wildcard
You drove me through each and every emotion Kyla felt, and you managed to come to a conclusion that left me pining for more. This is what a well done story should accomplish. You did a good job and you should be proud.
5
Total = 67
~~~~
Aimer
Story - 19
Story – The reluctant fighter forced into the role of protector created a unique story that had an interesting hook with all that was going on. But with the intensity of the other main players in this battle, this character’s story was a bit back washed in the tidal wave. However, it did directly have an impact at points in the others, and for that, I have an appreciation for the guy.
Setting – This is another area that took a dive, mostly due to the first person angle you built up. What few bits you touched upon felt like mere backdrops. You know how to raise this score up, I trust you’ll find a better way in the future to make it happen.
Pacing – There were a few hiccups with Aimer’s placing considering the grand events going on around the castle. However, it wasn’t so horrible that I docked you majorly for it. He was a more support oriented character, and it showed, but in a war like this, he needs to find a way to step out of the shadows of the other big names in the lot.
Characterization – 18
Persona – The first person narrative gives me great insights into the world of Aimer, and he had a strong sense of identity and worth. The scene where he comments about combat highs was a nice touch to show how even someone with no skill in combat is caught up in the necessity to fight. It was an interesting take, but as with first person narrative’s, they can get a little stale; to counter that I suggest more interaction of the environments effect on him in a non direct way.
Communication – Not too shabby, but not too great either, very down the middle. This was in part due to him being a supporting role in the overall story. So I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
Action – Aimer’s actions were all in line with his character’s abilities, demeanor, and style of personality I got from him as a guy. Well done.
Prose – 18
Mechanics and Clarity – The work you put in had little errors, and was a truly well done example of good proofreading, but you still had errors, and where there are errors, there are hiccups for clarity.
Technique – First person narrative’s are hard to pull off, and you have a solid grasp on the basics, keep working at it and it will only get better.
Wildcard
Aimer’s battle in this was a hard sell with the greater events going on, and why I like this tale is it’s nice sometimes to just see someone who isn’t althanas’ next bad ass, but a normal everyday guy just doing normal everyday things. It was such a refreshing perspective that I enjoyed it very much.
6
Total = 61
~~~~
Dalasi
Story – 17
Story – Ok, I’m not going to lie. Dalasi’s story was rather bland by comparison to the others, and your conclusion post was just…I can’t describe it. Imagine my jaw slacked to the side with one eye wide open and the other closed. It wasn’t really satisfying, and while the sudden change on your ally was justified and in line with what your character would do, something about it just fell flat.
Setting – The workhorse of this endeavor. You always manage to do just fine, but even here it was a bit…lacking, especially towards the end.
Pacing – A stronger point is your pacing here, which flowed well with Draug’s inclusion and played off Aimer well also. This helped you out a lot here and I suggest you work more closely with the opposing team. Dalasi could have been a bigger player.
Characterization – 16
Persona – Cydnar…I mean Dalasi…or did I? What’s the difference again? Dalasi and Cydnar are falling too close to one another Persona wise, and that made it difficult for me to get past through as I read your character.
Communication – You had good dialogue set up with Aimer as you two interacted, however when it came to Draug, the 180 turn didn’t seem all that in tune with the demeanor of Dalasi. It could be that in a war, where you are in the nemy base, you sort of wandered in with no clear direction. Then Draug came and you had a direction…that was…fighting your team.
Action – a solid effort to build up some good action when Draug came out and about.
Prose – 21
Mechanics & Clarity – Nothing really wrong here, a few minor errors, but these two usually are your solid points in this area. You are getting better and better with fewer and fewer errors. Keep it up.
Technique – You got the issue of Cydnar and Dalasi both working in the same exact manner, and so It gets repetitive really quickly. Like all your characters, sir, please find the uniqueness within them and make them shine.
Wildcard
This was a decent read, but I’ve read better from you and I’ve seen you write better stories. It’s a little disheartening to see you lose the passion in this war, as I think that’s what it is that took you out. You’ll be fine, I’m sure, but in team battles where people depend on you, you really should bring your A game.
3
Total = 57
~~~~
Death’s Apprentice
Story - 17
Story – You had I think the only Pro Phoenix Ascension story in this whole battle. I think it was the only pro war character in it at all. Everyone else was running with agendas, and you snuck in against a foe that had no heart left to finish the war. You had an interesting ending, one that had a great conclusion, but everything to get you there was just a drag. Like, you weren’t sure where to go from where you were stuck.
Setting – You had a good run here, but it wasn’t consistent, and felt more like a touch and go. You are, however, doing well to use action and setting together, so keep that up. It’s looking really good.
Pacing – Your pacing through the thread was touch and go, and this may have to do with your computer situation at home, so don’t take it personally. I know you know how to write battles, but I think that was your biggest weakness here.
Characterization – 19
Persona – If I didn’t know from talking with you that Levi was just a perv, I would have assumed little miss spy was a slut who slept around to get inside the castle. And that’s asking what people interpreted your opening post. If you use NPC’s like that, you need to define their role, and why they are brought into the story. Not everyone will read your works and know who they are, and this throws off the Persona of the character you’ve worked hard on. The reporter/spy angle was cute, and totally fits her, however.
Communication – Your strongest point, as with most stories, is your communication skills. I have nothing but props to give you here.
Action – There sadly just wasn’t enough action FROM her, but plenty around her. You had a great opportunity to take the events going on and make it strong. You did that and it awarded you well in Persona when she freaked out and admitted everything when a gun was involved, but that was all you did with that tension.
Prose – 17
Mechanics & Clarity – You had a few errors and missed words, but it didn’t hurt your clarity too much, which is the highest selling point here.
Technique – You had a very basic tried and true method, and I wish you’d push your boundaries some more. I want to see you succeed, and a higher advanced technique is going to get you there.
Wildcard
You did a good job with what you had, but you weren’t given a whole lot. The ending was great, and I do enjoy the idea of seeing what she would do with that sensitive information, but In the end, you had a few hiccups that just harmed this story too much. Still, a great job, and you shouldn’t sell yourself short as a lot of the issues I think had to do with timing, and the situation you are in concerning your computer.
6
Total = 59
~~~~~
The Winners are:
Silence Sei
Amber Eyes
Cinderella Man
Aimer HayneRogers