Knives and Needles (OPEN)

[Ashla]

This is a battle, and it will eventually go for judging. If you want to participate in it, I would highly appreciate it if you followed these rules:

Please don't swear.
Please don't use any inappropriate themes.

Thank you.

[Ashla]

Ashla was tired and needed to find a place to stay the night. Her cat Fireleaf, was full of energy though, sniffing and investigating everything that he found interesting in their paths. This gave Ashla the ability to slow down as she blindly walked around. Suddenly, Fireleaf arched into a pouncing position, his hair was all up. He hissed violently at someone up ahead in the shadows. Who was it? Ashla drew her long knife, and felt her hand grow ice cold. She didn't want to fight anyone, but if they posed a threat to her, she was ready for a good duel.

[Sen Zelrok]

Sen Zelrok extended his claws but not by will. He was being controlled by someone and was no longer in control of hs thoughts and was forced to do what his master commanded. he walked closer to them and said, "Do you wish to duel or not, i'm in a hurry and anyone who gets in my way is going to die."

Ashla just starred at him with her sword drawn.

"Fine then, if you won't step aside, i'll just have to kill you." he said as he lunged towards her, using his telekinesis to fling her cat into a cage he had built in order to make fight a 1 on 1 fight.

[Ashla]

"Fireleaf!" Ashla called, she turned, angry at this cat-like creature, and drew her steel sword with her knife and took to a battle pose, waiting for his first move. Yeah, I'm to chicken to make the first move. she thought to herself.

[Sen Zelrok]

Sen Zelrok Sprang forwards towards her saying, "Slopy, thats a terrible pose, widen your legs, you'll never win a fight like that." He landed on her sword and quickly started climbing up it towards he shoulder. when he reached his destination her arms were flailing everywhere. Sen Zelrok extended his claws and slashed her shoulder with one movement of his hand, sending a sharp pain through her body.

[Ashla]

Ashla gasped in pain. She heard Fireleaf meow for her in his new cat house. She whacked the cat creature off her with her long knife. "What's your name anyways?" she asked him.

[Sen Zelrok]

Sen Zelrok jumped up at her and said "You know who i am, think back a years ago, when i led you out of the desert and you were attacked by that other girl. You almost had me killed then. i'm not going to forgive you and you're going to die. and in case you havn't remembered yet, i'm Los Recada Lucardo Sen Zelrok." he then started cralling up her leg, stabbing his 3" claws through them with every step.

[Ashla]

Ashla suddenly remembered, "Hey, you're still alive now, aren't you?!"

She raised her sword and threw it down on him, throwing him off, "But if you wanna fight... then I'm ready. She touched the worst of the wounds in her leg, numbing it with her ice powers, then flexing her leg to make sure she could still use it okay. She was surprised, to find that she could still do so. She took a battle stance, spreading her legs apart and placing her knife in front of her, while keeping her sword in front of her leg. She was wounded now, but she could make it!

She had to make it!

[Sen Zelrok]

"Hmmmm, so i see you can still numb your wounds. oh well it won't matter. when your legs get hurt as they are now you tend to get slown down, and once slown a bit not even your aglity can gain t back." he said as he crouched down and jumped onto her chest using his mind slowing ability to dodge her knife in which she then tried to stab him n the side with. he clmbed up her chest to her neck just as his mind slowing ability wore off. Sen Zelrok pulled out his claws and slit the back of her neck very slightly just to give her pain but not to kill her.

[Ashla]

Ashla used her knife to give hi him a good cut on the stomach, then threw him off her I'm getting tired of this little pest. she thought as the touched the back of her neck. That one was only a scratch, she could easily forget the pain! She ran up to him and sliced at his leg, but not to hard; just enough for him to react with pain for a couple seconds, "You don't have to do this!" she said, backing a little from him, waiting for his response.

I have to stop him somehow, show him that we don't have to fight! I'm already to tired for this tonight.

She was angry, tired, and thirsty. She looked to the cage that Fireleaf was in. He was trying to free himself, but Ashla knew he couldn't by himself. She would have to get him at a good time; but now wasn't Sen Zelrok could get up at any time and catch her off guard, she didn't want that. Now she just waited for him to get up, and reply to her words.

"You don't have to do this!"

She looked down on him as he lifted himself up to say-

[Sen Zelrok]

"Foolish girl, you will die here, i'm going to finish this now." he jumped up and climbed Ashla up the center of her back, stabbing his claws the full three inches into her, in some spots coming out through her body entirely. Sen Zelrok jumped off her when he reached her neck. he turned around and said "if you arn't dead then this has certaintly taught you a lesson." Sen Zelrok had then turned around and started to run the same way he was heading, and before Ashla had been able to say something he was gone.

[Ashla]

Ashla withered in pain. She wasn't dead, but almost was. She looked at her cat in the cage, she needed to get him out! She crawled over with all of her strength, and got to the cage. She opened it, letting Fireleaf loose. The cat looked over her wounds and began to lick them, Ashla laughed, "No buddy, that's not going to help me much! I need herbs."

Meow?

"Get those little green plants, okay buddy?"

He just stared at her. She sighed of course he doesn't know what I'm talking about, he's a cat. His brain is the size of a pea!

All she knew to do was to lay there in hopes someone would find her... and be kind enough to help her. "SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!" She screamed before she passed out cold.

[hoytti]

Soirsh heard a familiar cry, but where he heard it before was beyond him. He got up from his sleeping bag and ran in the direction of the cry. Roxi still asleep in the back of his neck. He kept running till he came upon a girl bleeding all along her back. he ran over to her and knelt down. Her spine was stabbed all the way up it, Her neck had a small scratch, she was bleeding on her legs. Someone or something had attacked her. He quickly reached up and broke a piece of his perfectly straight Coralian Crown. He crushed it into a fine powder then took some sea water and poured it into the powder. He then took a cloth he had recently bought and dabbed it into the coral mixture. He held her down for he knew that since there was sea water in this concoction that she would be in great pain upon the cloths contact with the cuts. He gently took the cloth out of the coral mixture and put it on the Worst cut on her back.

[Inwuhou]

An indeterminate distance away there was a hill. Upon that hill was a fig tree. Sitting underneath that fig tree was a nun. The nun faced motionlessly westwards towards the setting sun. The sun did not shine upon her hands, which were folded in her lap behind wide blue sleeves. The sun did not shine upon her eyes, which were closed in thought and meditation. The sun did not shine upon her mind, which was dancing in the bottomless sea of history. This made her reaction all the more inexplicable when a purple hole ripped open in the middle of the trunk above her head and a blond-haired girl poked out her head to stare down.

"Good evening, Itera"

"Hello~" Itera hid her annoyance behind her usual grin. It was thus far impossible to sneak up on the nun and the fairy's irritation from denial was starting to transform into a happy acceptance of challenge. At least the nun was polite; she stood up, turned around, and bowed at the tree.

If only Itera can get Inwuhou to open her eyes!

"I welcome you to this humble tree. Have you come to meditate with me?"

"Tch. When the sun burns as low as a guttering coal, perhaps. Do you remember the pint-sized, red, violent one?"

"I had great hopes that I could turn him from his path of violence. I have great hopes yet."

"Keep on hoping. He's gone and hurt someone rather badly. That makes you responsible for cleaning up the mess." Itera still hasn't got a good grasp on this 'responsibility' nonsense and, she sincerely hopes, she never will. It was far too human of a thing to emulate.

Inwuhou didn't even blink. Granted, you can't blink when your eyes are closed in the first place, but it's the thought that counts. "I will go to help her; he is no charge of mine."

Itera glared death glares at the nun, "I warned you to stop reading my history. It's rude."

"Your history broadcasts itself. Thank you for thinking of her well-being."

"I am not doing this out of kindness."

"I have great hopes yet."

---

Soirsh might have heard a disturbance in the airflow, if he was the sort attuned to the thin fluid that filled the world above the water. A purple-edged rift tore open nearby and Inwuhou unceremoniously fell out. She landed on her feet, stepped forward, and traced back on Ashla's past.

A few seconds later, Ashla's wounds never happened. Inwuhou swayed a moment, then turned back towards the rift, where Itera was watching from behind her opened fan.

"You're going after him."

"No, vengeance is bad for the development of the spirit."

"At least say something to the living rock!" Itera fought to keep the exasperation from her tone. That was such an incredibly anticlimatic and boring development in the whole fight; she should have brought Isylle or one of the violent ones!

"No, love of recognition is bad for the development of the spirit." Inwuhou set a foot into the rift, "If you would kindly set me down by the fig tree again, I would like to observe the sunset."

"Your eyes were closed the whole time."

"Yes."

And Itera was enlightened.

[Ashla]

This Thread is now CLOSED and going for Judging. Thank you to everyone who participated. And also, I hope anyone who had been watching this thread grow liked it too.

God bless.
BlueGhostofSeaside

[Silence Sei]

Okay guys, since this is a basic rubric judgment I’m going to focus on three things you guys can do to improve. First though, here are a few things I really enjoyed.

The fight scene was clear; I was able to picture in my mind most of the actions, with only a few moments forcing me to read again. These types of action scenes can be difficult to write and you guys did a good job.

I also really like your characters, it seemed like you have a good grip on who they are and what they want.

Now, for the areas I think you can improve in the most.

1. While I felt as though you guys had a good grip on the characters, I was left somewhat in the dark. The most depth I got was that Ashla left Sen to die in the desert , only for it to seem once again like it was a random encounter. Sen, a character who is one inch high with three inch claws (and weight 20 pounds for that matter) seems almost anatomically inaccurate. I would imagine the claws are where most of his weight comes from, and thus would probably require some strength on his side to just lift them, let alone use them efficiently. Ghost, I would have loved to hear more about Ashla and Fireleaf, where she got him, where the two of them were from, etc etc. Hoytti, the same goes for Sorish and Roxi, tell us who they are, other than just two random people (one small enough to sleep on the others shoulders). Inwuhou, you could establish the same link between Inwuhou and Itera, elaborating on their relationship a little further.

2. Setting really struggled, with Inwuhou doing most of the leg work. Next time, and this goes for Ghost, Sen, and Hoytti, give us some background as to where you guys are at. Is the road below you paved, or dirty? Can you smell various dinners coming from various houses? Are all the lights off everywhere? Are you in a big city or a rural village? All these things will help improve your setting score immensely

As it stands right now, I picture Ashla just walking down a road, looking for a tavern in a city she might not even be in, gets attacked, and Inwuhou (who was kind enough to provide a fig tree outside of your battle) came to the rescue at the end. Please give us some sights at the very least, so we can picture in our minds where exactly your character is.

3. Mechanics- There was a lot of lowercase I when it should have been capitalized. There were also a lot of cases of words missing a letter here and there, and run-on sentences. We’ll work on this with you guys with the more threads you do, but the first step is using some type of spellchecker. Even just running your post through word or a similar program and then re-reading for other errors will bring this score up quickly.

Thanks for allowing me to test out the new judgment system on you guys. Remember, when you request it again and link this thread you will get bonus experience for focusing on the three things I’ve asked you to work on. With each new thread I look forward to watching you improve.

The thread scores a 1 of 4.

BlueGhostofSeaside receives 300 exp, 200 GP
Sen Zorlak receives 300 exp, 200 GP
Hoytti receives 50 exp, 200 GP
Inwuhou receives 50 exp, 200 GP

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.