To Raze the Skies (closed)

[Hotsuma]

(Closed to TheOnlyGhost)




From the very start, I had felt that this mission would be different than most. The mere fact that they had requested it be done alone, with no witnesses left alive, was enough to put me in my current state: stalking through the dappled shadows thrown by a vibrant solstice moon onto the monolith tombs that lined every path like brooding gods of death. My blades were naked in my hands, reflecting bands of silver to my eyes whenever I crossed a line of light. The air was alive, joining the hunger that stole through me, urging, pushing, for blood. An iron shield of will held it back, though with no little effort, and always taking a little more than the last time, as it was with each hunt.

A furtive glance around the cracked and cragged wall of a dilapidated monument revealed to me my prey this night. A grave.

Surprisingly, the body held within this certain hole was not my purpose, but rather, the one I could see kneeling before it, leaning forward to place a fresh, blue flower that shone with an ethereal brightness next to the withered remnant of a previous offering. She sat there after laying the flower to the ground, the soft shudder of her shoulders betraying a shattered heart. I glanced around her, taking in the four armed mercenaries that each stood in perfect relation to the others, covering all possible angles. One of the men, the giant standing nearest to my place hidden within shadow, turned his head to see the girl and what may have been causing the noise. I watched him stiffen, glance around, and make a decision; he reached into his cloak and drew forth a delicate handkerchief, leaning forward to offer it to the mourner. It was time.

I turned my head further into the shade and whispered beneath my breath, “Rh’an.” Rippled shades of black and grey flame cast furtive shadows before me. I drew a deep breath and turned back, slamming my feet to the ground and shooting me forward with blades diving ahead.

Two of the men fell before my presence was known, the last two warriors taking the scene in an instant and splitting apart in order to spread my necessary field of vision, which was clever, but only against a fool. I shot forward, catching the man to my left between stepping from the soft earth surrounding the graves to the cobbled road that wound through the cemetery. He stumbled and met his death with a gasp of surprise, as though such a simple and quick ending to his life had never crossed his mind.

A scent of lavender filled the air, and an old memory rising up from wherever it is thoughts go to die accompanied it. My gaze was drawn around, completely free of my own volition. The girl sat at the foot of the grave, staring at me with mixed regret and confusion. I could not move, and fought wildly within myself against whatever spell had been cast upon me.

She smiled and stood, “Oh, please don’t struggle, I cannot keep you from hurting yourself if you continue.”

A moment passed as she looked about at the bodies at her feet. Her lone guardian made to step forward but stopped at her upraised hand.

“No, wait. There is something at work here.” She moved to stand before me, two glacial blue eyes seizing my own. “He is not what he seems.”

Another long time passed as I wondered whether the time of my death had finally come before she smiled again and nodded, as though coming to a conclusion.

“We know each other, you and I, though you would have no memory of me. But do not worry, for I will find you again. My heart does not easily forget.”

A flurry of light blue magic and they were gone, leaving me alone and bereft of sense. How could one person awake so much in me?

[TheOnlyGhost]

"Come back here! I'll get you, you son of a ..."

The thief laughed at Alicia as he was running away with one of her extra pair of earrings. Although they were worthless, without the thief's knowledge, it was still very annoying.

Alica was slowly catching up to him as she began unsheathing her blade as she began floating above a graveyard.

Just because I'm a ghost, doesn't mean graveyards stop me ... moron.

Just as she was about the catch the bastard, the thief saw a man in the distance {you} and started smirking as he pointed towards him while throwing the earrings at his feet...

"He's my accomplice, I had nothing to do with this. It was his idea! Go and get your revenge on him!"

Of course Alicia didn't quite believe him, but just to be sure she stopped and let the thief run off ... her earrings were up for grabs anyway.

You live this day thief!

She pointed her blade towards the stranger.

"You! You there! Who are you, and what are your plans with those earrings? ANSWER ME!"

Alicia had no time for games, she demanded answers.



My character sheet link is in my signature for your convenience.

[Hotsuma]

I knelt, and silence wrapped a tight cloak around me as I stared at the vibrant flower that lay gently against cold stone. She was gone, but her gift remained, and as I gazed at the otherworldly blue petals flaring out in perfect proportion, its color grew stronger, and all else blurred into indistinct grey. I wrenched my eyes away and grasped the hilts of my blades, hoping to ground myself back into reality.

A deep breath to steady myself was immediately regretted, the lingering scent of lavender yet remained in the air. This remnant brought her face back into my mind, but more than a mere memory, it was as though I could see her standing before me. Her eyes, the same blue as the flower I now noticed, held my own, pleading message that her voice could not give words. I closed my eyes and let the scene fall away. Breathing slowly brought my peace back, kept me in control.

"You! You there! Who are you, and what are your plans with those earrings? ANSWER ME!"

What little reverie I had attained was trampled beneath a sudden tirade that, when I had opened my eyes to see, seemed to have occurred almost directly in front of me. There was the barest glimpse of a man sprinting away into the labyrinth of tombs towards my side, and across from that direction I saw a girl, or what I believed to be a girl, glaring down at me, from a considerably alarming height, with a petulant expression. I was slow to process what I could see clearly, hanging in the air; the girl hovered off the ground, something I had yet to see, and had trouble believing. That she was in the air was something I could accept with enough thought, but the fact that through her, through her very skin and clothing, I could make out silver etched clouds slumped in the sky, tracking a path across the moon, was what gave me pause.

Clearly this was an apparition of my mind. Something I had unconsciously willed into being, but no more real and tangible than my thoughts.

“Leave me be,” I said, speaking to my overzealous imagination, and turned away to clean my blades on the cloak of a fallen guard before sheathing them away.

“Let me rest,” I whispered.

[TheOnlyGhost]

Getting even more enraged and frustrated, she came even closer to the stranger who blatantly (and rudely) ignored her regardless of the situation and stood in front of the stranger now, looking deep into his eyes and said once again...

"I will NOT repeat myself. What is your business here? ANSWER me or suffer the consequences, I kid you not!"



Sorry, didn't have time to post longer than this ... you get the picture though ;)

[Hotsuma]

The day before last was a gift I had not asked for or anticipated.

A mission recently completed, I had found myself with time and nothing else, something I’d yet learned to deal with. Rather than waste away in the confines of my barracks, and having trained enough for one day, I took advantage of the fact that the compound I was stationed at was located in the biggest city of the known world. I could stand at the top of River’s Edge, an obsidian tower thrusting up from the dregs of civilization like a challenge to the gods, and not be able to sight the end of human life in any direction. Factories, houses, shops, warehouses, offices and the common abandoned building all stretched away on every side like a plague of life. Too much time here and sometimes I forgot the sight of land untouched.

I wandered, purposely avoiding paths I had walked before, places I had seen, choosing instead to discover and explore. This was easily accomplished, and within a candle I found myself virtually lost, surrounded by sights, sounds and smells, all foreign, and welcome to me in my meandering. I could lose myself like this, and found a sense of peace. I was apart, and the milling of people bustling against me as I walked, each living, but unafraid of me. I did not cause them fear. And this laid a calm upon me. It was an

The women that stood before me, ranting about something senseless, had shattered that. I could see her mouth mocing, and knew she was speaking, but the rising rage silenced all but a rushing rumble. My blades were free of their sheaths and in my hands within a moment, and in the next, I growled out, “Lok’ial.” The dread flowed free from me in waves, pounding out as I readied myself for battle.

[TheOnlyGhost]

Lok’ial? What the fuck does Lok'ial mean?

Without much warning, or even a response in words for that matter, the stranger quickly drew their blades and faced Alicia ready for battle. Getting very irritated at the situation, she readied her own blade until she realized something.

Alicia looked over her oppenenant several times to make sure, and much to the strangers' surprise I'm sure, she started laughing. Alicia laughed so hard she almost starting crying.

"Are you serious? Are you ABSOLUTELY serious?"

She almost couldn't contain her laughter...

"Try it, just try it. I dare you!"

She was enticing the stranger to strike first with her fingertips as if it was a taunt.

"You might be in for a surprise!"

[Hotsuma]

“The madness of men comes in many guises,” I said, feeling an answering grin spread across my face as the woman before me erupted in laughter. “I can see it running through you, taken hold of all that you are.” Seeing that the woman remained unaffected by the cloak of dread draping my body, I let the flame die down and felt the thrum of power slowly easy away.

“I hope your joy does not find an end once we have begun,” I said with a smile. “The days have been long in coming to sate my hunger, and I would that our dance be long and fruitful.”

Though she had her own blade in her hand, I felt confident in my ability in a straightforward battle against this assailant. The curved weapons hanging from my hands echoed my desire. A rush of fury washed through my veins, crystallizing my vision. I let it build on my emotions and roared, “Rh’an!” Bright flames exploded into being from the crossing runes that marked my face. My body felt free, every movement was as easy as breath, the speed granted to me was more than enough for the battle I faced.

Lunging forward, I aimed directly beneath the woman hanging in the air, planting my feet to shoot into the air. She would face a dozen blows before noticing I had moved with this maneuver. My hunger screamed with anticipation, and I gave my own voice to it maddening cry.

[TheOnlyGhost]

Smirking, she held herself in place as the assailant tried to attack her.

Damn fool.

The blows from the blades cut through her body at least ten times but caught nothing but a faded mist as Alicia's body regenerated quickly back into her ghostly figure.

"I am immune to your physical weapons fool, couldn't you tell before you struck me? Now it's my turn!"

Now with the enemy below her, she landed on the ground as Alicia swiped her sword at a 45 degree angle towards the strangers' head as her counter-attack.




http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?24562-Prolicio-Prolixi-Alicia

"....Tried as they might, all of their weapons of steel and iron went through her and had no effect, it was then she realized she was immune to all solid weapons..."

:p

The only physical weapon that can hurt me is a cursed weapon, yet you have to be cursed yourself to use it. Other than that, only magic can harm me.

[Hotsuma]

Normally, when someone took a dozen blows to various parts of their body, I was left with a leaking bag of flesh and blood. So when my blades passed through the woman hanging in the air above me with a complete lack of resistance and no discernable affect except an amused gaze, my shocked confusion froze me. All the natural laws of battle I had held up until than had constructed the path for my every move, every slash, every feint; and to have that stripped away left my mind locked in an attempt to understand something that would not fit in the world that I knew.

I fell back, disoriented and off-balance. The woman was there in the next moment, her sword arcing down and across. Each movement had registered in my mind, and with Rh’an still crashing through my veins, I watched the scene unfold before me in slow fascination, as though we were fighting beneath water. Despite my lack of comprehension concerning the woman’s failure to die, a sword falling down toward me triggered an instinctual response, though wild and desperate. I flung myself away from the direction of the blade, the safest course being towards the woman holding the sword. Usually I would have collided with a body, and ended up on the ground, where unequal advantages could be evened out. But again, I was left in complete vexation as I fell through what felt like open air and a moment of brief agony lit along my back.

A ragged tumble brought me to my knee, with blades out-stretched, awaiting the coming rush I knew any warrior would have taken as their next move. I gasped in pain. The wound was not deep, but ran a long line, and brought more discomfort than worry.

The mounting fury that had burned through me earlier was frozen into an icy river of focus. Death’s open arms were always within my sight, always waiting, forever patient. But not this day, not until I had killed my god.

[TheOnlyGhost]

The strike of her blade hit flesh on her first attempt, amused by the "shock therapy" she used on her foe.

Much to Alicias' surprise, however, he seemed to give up based on his unusual behavior by kneeling to the ground as if he had already given up.

Looking at him in a confused state, she raised one eyebrow and pointed her sword towards him, but instead of striking again she felt the need to see what exactly happened, for no one that she had ever known or seen would simply give up the way he did. NO ONE!

"What in gods' name are you doing? If you are not here to kill me, than what exactly are you here for?" Alicia said as she kept her blade ready at all times to strike again in-case this was some kind of sick trick, or prank for that matter.

[Hotsuma]

Her words struck to my core. Why was I here? I held no true animosity toward this being, whatever she was. No mission had directed me in her death.

I thought back to the girl I had come here to kill, the woman at the grave.

“You are correct,“ I said. “The reason I am here has long departed, and so must I. Whatever you may think of my intentions, I do not wish battle in truth. I simply defended my life from what I perceived to be an imminent threat. The woman I hunt has gone, therefore my role as hunter guides my path on. You may kill me if you so desire, I know my blades cannot harm you now.”

Turning away, I gathered a fallen cloak from the ground and cleaned my blades of blood. The flower the woman had placed upon the grave she had knelt before still shone with its own light. I walked over and studied the name written upon the tombstone.

Raesic Verstas

The name triggered something in my mind. Fleeting, the memory gave me nothing but a haunted echo. It felt old, perhaps from my childhood. A legend or story I had once heard.

I knelt and brushed the name clear of fallen leaves. The flower held my gaze, casting its azure light in a soft aura. The flower and the name. These were the keys I would need, the footsteps I would follow.

I lifted the flower up and held it before my eyes. Questions demanding an answer plagued my thoughts, but the hunger and my duty held me in check.

The commander would be waiting for a report. I stood, still clutching the flower in my hand, and walked away.

[Otto]

Hotsuma:

Plot: 18/30

Storytelling: 6/10
You have an intriguing (if somewhat insubstantial) story arc here, which you’ve done well to leave open for future development. Could have done with more – perhaps some specific memories which give Griever a clue for where to start looking should he wish to pursue information on this ‘Raesic Verstas’. The ending was a little abrupt, too.


Setting: 5/10
Decent introductory description of the setting, and it was also good that you interacted with it (when Griever uses the monument as cover). I was disappointed that you didn’t keep it up after the first post, though. For longer threads than this, you will need to keep working on the setting, so that it doesn’t just fade away.


Pacing: 7/10
You have a firm grasp on how to adjust the flow of the story to suit your needs. You may improve your pacing if you find ways to avoid having to repeat other people’s dialogue. Also, the battle was picking up speed nicely, but failed to reach the level ‘nail-biting’.


Character: 20/30

Communication: 8/10
The dialogue seemed very much in line with your character. You wrote emotively, and consistently so. However, you definitely should have kept this up in your final post; Griever’s parting words had a real opportunity to give the ending some more punch, but that monologue fell a little flat. See if you can display his swings from verbosity to stoicism, as well.


Action: 5/10
Some parts of the combat would have benefited from a richer description of the action. For example: how did hotsuma take down the first two guards in the opening post? Where did he land his sword strikes? Also, I’m not sure if you were simply making an exaggeration, but being able to land a dozen blows on someone mid-jump seems beyond the ability of Griever, or pretty much any level 0 character, so that wasn’t particularly credible. Also found it odd that he didn’t notice the thief yelling at Prolicio.


Persona: 7/10
I get the feeling that Griever is prone to introspection, and I could see a troubled man shaped by his past; unperturbed by death, but still fighting against apathy. He is also evidently still human – capable of surprise, pain, anger and melancholy. As with communication, though, it would have really helped to see what was going through his head in the final post.


Prose: 17/30

Mechanics: 6/10
I saw that commas were giving you some trouble. Check out how to form compound sentences by separating clauses with commas (conjunctions), and the use of commas after transitional phrases. You also needed to close the preceding sentence with a full stop before Griever’s target first spoke (post 1). There were one or two typos (‘mocing’), also, watch you use the plural or singular form of a noun where applicable (post five, consider ‘women’ vs. ‘woman’), and beware of confusing phonetically similar words (‘effect’ and ‘affect’). Finally, in post 9, putting ‘and’ after the semicolon was unnecessary.


Clarity: 6/10
There were a few poorly phrased sentences throughout the thread, such as “something I’d yet learned to deal with” (post 5). If you can, make sure that you avoid ambiguity (“A flurry of light blue magic and they were gone” – it’s not exactly clear what’s going on with the ‘flurry’). Also, throughout the thread, I’m not sure why Griever is there (who, exactly, is employing him? Why?), or what memories are coming back to him.


Technique: 5/10
You can break up really long sentences which are cluttered by one too many commas by using semicolons, dashes and brackets to separate parentheses, or just the good old full stop. You switched between passive and active voice in post 3, so watch out for that. Finally, some of your wording came off a little awkwardly. For example: “A scent of lavender filled the air”; writing “The scent of lavender”, or “A lavender scent” would have worked slightly better (yours suggests there is a discernible spectrum of lavender scents, which may be true, but not really to our noses, I guess).

Wildcard: 6/10
To be perfectly honest, I’d normally roll my eyes at such an antihero-type character. However, you seem to write Griever with some skill and credibility. Sadly, the thread was a little too short, and ended too abruptly, for you to really play that card.

Total: 61/100



TheOnlyGhost:

Plot: 10/30

Storytelling: 3/10
There were a few issues with your narrative. First of all, I’m not sure how Prolicio could own a pair of earrings (as she can only physically manipulate weaponry). As such, I’m also unsure as to why she has them, or where they came from. There’s also no explanation as to why she and the thief are there, or who the thief is (and whether or not that’s important). All these things would probably be fine, but they just needed some explaining. Other than that, Prolicio’s own part in the story seems limited to supporting Griever’s, and has little substance of its own.


Setting: 3/10
Definitely could have done with improvement, here. Mostly, the setting was simply and sparingly referred to, rather than actually described, and you failed to use it for anything other than a reference point by which to set Prolicio’s floating height.


Pacing: 4/10
You moved at a decent pace for a battle, but I think it progressed quickly because of the brevity of your posts, rather than through, say, concision. In fact, some parts could certainly have been expanded on, and slowed down. For example, drawing out your second post could have presented an opportunity to showcase Prolicio’s growing wrath, give some indication as to what she was doing with the earrings, and also, provide some variety. If everything moves so quickly as that, it wears thin, which would have been quite noticeable in a longer thread.


Character: 13/30

Communication: 6/10
Prolicio sounds to be uniformly arrogant and angry. You conveyed that well enough, but there really doesn’t seem to be much more to her than that, according to this thread. Without making a strong impression with the character, her role in the story suffers.


Action: 2/10
You went a little beyond mere functionality, and used action to construct Prolicio’s personality. However, there were two serious instances of powergaming. First of all, Prolicio’s profile mentions that she is much more susceptible to magic - but in post 6, she ignores the effects of Griever’s rune. Given the evidence that she can feel emotions, there should definitely have been some effect on her. Second, the passage of physical objects through Prolicio supposedly causes her to become disoriented. If Griever struck her at least ten times, then there should have been some kind of effect.


Persona: 5/10
The way you write Prolicio’s thoughts makes them seem slightly dislocated from the rest of your post(s); they tend to stand alone in separate paragraphs without any immediate reference to the action in the post, Prolicio’s perspective or her emotions. Otherwise, her personality shines through in her dialogue and action.


Prose: 15/30

Mechanics: 7/10
Good work. Ensure that you use commas for conjunctions and transitional phrases. It’s also generally considered bad form to use numerals rather than spell out a number (‘forty five degrees’, post 8); this can be a flow breaker, but sometimes it is more practical to go ahead with using numerals if you’re dealing with fractions, or numbers which take three or more words to spell out. Hyphenating “in-case” (post 10) was unnecessary, and finally, you tripped up a couple of times with the plural and singular forms of nouns; “gods’ name”, should have either been “god’s name”, possessive singular, or “gods’ names”, possessive plural (post 10), and “one of her extra pair of earrings” (“pairs” correct, post 2). Unfortunately, your posts were too short for me to determine whether these were recurring issues, or just the occasional mishap.


Clarity: 5/10
There were quite a number of ambiguously worded phrases and sentences. For example: in post 2, it’s unclear that you mean the thief is ignorant of the earrings’ worth, post 8 has “she landed on the ground as Alicia”, which sounds like the pronoun refers to someone other than Alicia (Prolicio), and in post 10, rather than Prolicio being amused, it sounds as though the ‘strike’ is. Again, as said under ‘story’, it’s not very clear why she and the thief are there to begin with.


Technique: 3/10
Be wary of capitalising so much, particularly out of dialogue. Sentences are made awkward when you use the same verb/adjective/noun/phrase multiple times in a sentence; see “stranger” in post 4, and “given up” in post 10. I noticed that you switched to writing in the first person in post 6, which was incongruous with the rest of your style. Your writing method was very bread and butter – no frills – and I think you seriously stunted the opportunity to develop your technique due to the typically short nature of your posts.

Wildcard: 4/10
The frequent use of OOC text – even in the middle of a post – became quite jarring; more often than not, communicating with the other participant through PMs or chat is better. My other gripe is that you just didn’t seem to really invest yourself in the story, and as a result, neither did I.

Total: 42/100




Hotsuma wins, and receives 825 experience and 110 gold.

TheOnlyGhost receives 150 experience and 65 gold.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.