First Quest Feedback

[Scarovese]

Hello Althanians! My name is Scar and I just recently posted my first quest! It's pretty much all backstory and how my character got to this world. I submitted it for judging, but while I wait I've been working on the follow-up already. My major concern is that I've missed some grave error and my first two-three quests are going to hurt score-wise because of it. So, it was suggested to me that I post here asking for some casual feedback! If you have time, please give it a read:
http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25135-Into-the-Ink-(solo)
And then let me know how I can improve! Thanks so much!!

[absentwizard]

Post 1 Para 1 : "Open house" fails to link up with any prior information. I suggest adding 2-3 words expounding on what the open house was. Was it a real estate one? Was it a school one? Later on it's implied that it's a real estate, but at this point I feel a bit lost.

Post 1 Para 1 : Emotional disconnect: flashing a smile does not line up with frustration. Consider describing it as some kind of almost-smile or fake-smile.

Post 1 Para 1 : Your attitude does not match up with those of the conceited co-workers.

Post 1 Para 1 : General impression is that it's incoherent. It is a collection of disjointed comments with logical flow from one to the next only for about every other sentence. The parts are all there but it needs rearranging and some transitions.

Post 1 Para 2 : Consider condensing "Mercifully, the traffic ... menial the task." to something like "Mercifully, the traffic thinned slightly and the rest of the drive to the shopping center took only a few more minutes. I should have used the weekend to run these errands, but I had put it off like I did with all work on weekends."

Post 1 Para 2 : The sentence "I flexed ... pleasant." doesn't fit here.

Post 1 Para 3 : Remove "I hopped ... seat," because it's excessive information.

Post 1 Para 3 : The name of the used book store would be a good piece of detail here.

Post 1 Para 3 : You should associate the bell chiming with pushing the door open, then mumbling with Charlie's waving.

Post 1 Para 3 : "I'll give it a read"? Does the character usually talk to himself out loud?

Post 2 Para 1 : "sport" seems unprofessional. "large majority" is redundant

Post 2 Para 2 : Consider buying cigars by the case instead, for uniformity.

Post 2 Para 2 : The information about "near my house" that I recommended dropping last post? It should go here instead.

Post 2 Para 3 : Somewhere before Para 3 would be a good place to insert some description of what the home looks like and thereby give a further impression of the person. Is it neat? Is it disheveled? How is it decorated?

Post 2 Para 3 : Too much info about the stresses of working in real estate. It doesn't fit with the rest of the paragraph because the topics are different. One is "what I did after I come home" and the other is "stresses of working in real estate". Break it off into a separate para, but I'd suggest removing entirely.

Post 2 Para 4 : I think that if you smelled and ignored some odd scent as you opened the book, it would be a good, short-term foreshadowing.

Post 3 Para 1 : That's some fast reading, if you're reading a "particularly thick" book that's apparently War and Peace sized. 6 PM to 3 AM is only 9 hours.

Post 3 Para 2 : "biceps" doesn't fit into here like the rest of the list. Just use "arm".

Post 3 Para 3 : Jimmy is introduced very suddenly and not enough information is given. That thread flaps in the wind like a sail with no stays. Also, you should put the "It's amazing...events." sentence in front of "Despite...firm." After breaking it into a separate paragraph, that is.

Post 4 Para 1 : Impossible geometry. A shaft of light cannot fall across your features if the light is coming from in front of you. A shaft of light can, at best, fall ON your features.

Post 4 Para 3 : He knows English? Or you know Tradespeak? And didn't realize this?

Post 5 Para 3 : That's a fractured skull if I've ever seen one. Are we going for cartoony here?

Post 5 Para 6 : I have a little peeve against people who just randomly name artifacts and say what they do in a manner reminiscent of an encyclopedia. It's inevitably too rote for someone who's just using it and yet too simplified for someone who understands it.

Post 5 Para 7 : I don't understand the furtiveness. They're not guilty of anything.

Post 6 Para 4 : There's a fun potential bit here to run the name together into something exotic. "Sko't'maatheuz"

Post 6 Para 4 : This is an odd sort of thing to explain. Can you imagine explaining, "Well, I'm a human and this guy is a retired guard." ? You must imagine being in their shoes. There are things that are self-evident to them that they won't even have thought of explaining. This enhances the verisimilitude of psychology.

Post 6 Para 12 : Your new friends are jumping to conclusions very, very fast and giving you stuff very, very fast. It all feels contrived. Slow down and get to know them better, rather than treating them as a cardboard cutout for the purpose of giving you stuff and writing "so it was explained to me."

Post 7 Para 1 : Boxing is mostly a set of rules about where and when you're not allowed to hit someone. I wouldn't put it in the same group as the desperate, life-or-death struggle of combat hand-to-hand fighting.

Post 7 Para 1 : I don't think you realize how useful introducing advanced financial and real estate systems would be to Althanas. You can become fabulously wealthy in a few years by doing this. It is a technology.

Overall : I notice that you have a tendendency to write "<verbing> <object>, I <verb> <object>." It's a repetitive pattern that shows up even when it's not called for. For example, "Gritting my teeth in pain, I swore at Jimmy." could easily be written "I swore at Jimmy through gritted teeth." I believe that you're doing this to try to avoid repeatedly starting sentences with the word "I". There are better ways to do that.

Overall : Rushed and contrived once you enter Althanas. The two characters are flat and feel like they exist to give you the gauntlet.

[Scarovese]

First off, thanks for taking the time to read my post! And so thoroughly!! It is very much appreciated as I attempt to make my beginnings on this site :) I see a similar theme across many of your suggestions, which let's me know that I do indeed have a bad habit forming there. I'll take the red pen to my writing tomorrow morning in an effort to change this. The suggestions you gave me seem reasonable enough, so I'll probably just make sure I like the flow. There are a few areas where I disagree with you and so I'll take artistic license there and probably leave them alone ;) A lot of the problems seem to stem from the fact that I know all about the background to my character so I don't always remember to type it out! I'll certainly be keeping a close eye on that in future quests.

You've given me a lot to think about and I am thankful for the straightforward (if a bit blunt at times) honesty. I look forward to seeing you around on the site!!

Edit: Alright, I reworked the ending a bit to allow for some character development in the next quest I write. Thanks again for the feedback!!

[Luned]

Your style is very straightforward, I like that, and thanks to that I'm sure you'd score decently in clarity and mechanics.

First person isn't really conducive to heavy description and you managed to paint an okay picture of things like his apartment, but at the same time, I was left wondering about background characters and other settings. Even just minor but well-worded observations could add another layer of life to your writing. I think this might help with the character development that abs mentioned, too. Observing quirks about NPCs and considering them as whole, separate entities could make the reader care about them more. That's something I've lost points on in the past so I'm working on it, too.

By the way, Luned's in and out of Ettermire fairly regularly. If you're looking for a thread sometime, perhaps if Scott goes inquiring about the book (as Alerar is quite known for its libraries and bookish things), she might overhear and want to find out what it is, herself.

[Scarovese]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll take this into account on my next re-read of Quest 2 and see if I can't flesh those characters out a bit :)