A Night to Remember (Closed)

[hoytti]

Sorish and Korra walked down the streets of Trotinos. Every building is made out of wood planks and the housing looks to be about average quality. The village was surrounded by nature. To the east there was a dock that transports people to and from the mainlands of Alerar. To the north was a beach where the locals fish and swim, To the south was a mountain that few people dared to enter, and to the west a forest of great beauty. It was the perfect place for Sorish's plan. Sorish had told Sanderia and Ethan to stay at the hotel with Roxi and Carol as Sorish and Korra went out for a while.

[Miss Relt]

As Sorish and I walked down the bustling streets of the Trotinos Bazaar, I couldn't help but marvel at the all the wares available. There were vendors for Pets, Jewelry, Cloths, Produce, heck even a place to wrap gifts from the bazaar. We walked over to the pet pens and looked at the different pets. There were, Puppies in one pen, Kittens in another, and Baby Dragons in the third. However, what caught my eye were the beautiful horses. There were the normal horses but then I saw a few strange ones, there were three that had wings and four that had a horn.

However, those weren't the ones that caught my eye. There was one that I never thought I'd ever see, let alone here. It was a Water Trotter, a mythical horse that can run over the oceans, as well as the ocean floor, at great speeds, they are known by the Coralians as "The Waves Mount" for where ever they went a wave would follow. I looked to my left to talk to Sorish only to see him with puppies climbing all over him. Chuckling I turned back to the mythical horse only to notice it looking at me with sorrow in its eyes. I couldn't tell what its history was just by looking at it, however I could tell that it had gone through much hardship in its life. I climbed the fence and started walking towards it. However After maybe three steps the other horses took notice of me and started walking over. The Water Trotter however just stayed where it was, as if it was use to not even getting a second look. I felt sorry for the creature that I had always wanted to see. Sure, it wasn't a white horse, it had more of a scaly texture and it had thinner main then the other horses, but what should it matter? I thought it was a beauty. It’s Sea-green scales shimmered in the sunlight making it almost look like it sparkled.

I started to push the other horses away as I walked towards this creature I knew I wanted. After a while it noticed that I was walking towards it and it turned towards me. I smiled as I reached it and put my hand out, waiting for it to come to me. It hesitated for a second but then put its muzzle to my hand. It felt smooth and moist; it was almost as if it had a slim all over its body. I started petting it up and down its muzzle and it leaned in even more. After a while I moved to its side where I brushed my hand gently, examining its body, counting every scale as I went. I also discovered that it was a boy. I walked back up to the front, put my head to his, and whispered, “You are a handsome fellow aren't you?”

“He sure is,” a man said coming up to me. The man was about 5’3, he had a pair of overalls on with a straw hat and hay in his mouth. His boots were tall and black. “I saw this guy hurt on the beach a few months ago,” he continued. “His side looked like it had been attacked by something big. Luckily, none of his legs was hurt or else he would have been a goner.”

“Why does he look like he feels dejected?” I asked the man as I stroked the mane.

“No one seems to want him,” The man said bluntly, “Most people go after the horses such as the Pegasus or Unicorn. However, nobody wants a scaly, slimy horse such as this. In fact, I was about ready to release him so he could go home where I believe he’ll be happy.”

I looked at the man and saw no lie in what he said I then turned back to the horse. “If only it was that simple,” I whispered as I stroked the horse.

“What do you mean?” The man asked a little confused.

“This horse is a Water Trotter, also known as the Waves Mount,” I informed. “They are so few that they are near impossible to find. However when one is found, it will never be happy unless it is around a sentient.”

The man looked at the Water Trotter then to me then back at the Water Trotter. He then laughed and said, “Well then, if that’s true why don’t you take him?” I looked at him with a face that would make a mime laugh with sound. “Don’t look at me like I’m crazy, I’m serious. I love horses but I can’t take care of all the horses here as well as the ones back on the ranch. Plus, I think he’s taken a liking to you,” he said laughing

I turned to the Water Trotter and started stoking his muzzle again. “What do you think? Want to come with me?” I asked him anticipating his answer.

“Yes,” the Water Trotter said surprising the man.

“Did he just talk?” The man asked surprised.

The horse answered for me, “Yes, Thank you for taking care of me these last few months. However, I know the strain it put on you and have been hopping someone would take me soon.” The Water Trotter turned back to me. “Thank you, for taking notice of me. You are a kind Coralian and I will help you in any way possible,” he told me in Coralian.

I thanked the man and led the Water Trotter back to the exit were Sorish was waiting.

"What's your name?" I asked as we exited the pen.

"I am known as Tsunami," He replied.

"Well Tsunami, mind taking the stuff we bought back to the hotel while Sorish and I continue with our date?"

"Sure," Tsunami replied as I loaded the stuff up and told him the directions to the hotel as well as told him who to call when he got there.

After Tsunami left, I turned back to Sorish, "Ready to continue our date?" I asked.

He nodded and we continued on our way.


OOC: Notice: Tsunami is a new companion

[hoytti]

Sorish and Korra left the bazaar and head towards a five star restaurant right outside of town owned by the well renowned chef, Abrinano. However, there have been rumors that his son has recently taken over the business and is having trouble keeping it up to par. Sure, it’s still good enough to be five stars. However, his father had been so good that the raters were actually thinking of just adding another star to the restaurant. Anyway, with this being the one of the best restaurants in the area, Sorish had booked reservations for two at sunset, out on the patio.

The restaurant was set up on one of the hills that overlooked the town. Made out of oak logs, the restaurant almost looked like a log cabin. As they entered however, it looked anything but that. It had chandlers hanging from the ceiling and candles lined the walls. In front of them stood a waiter who looked stuck-up, almost as if he thought he was better than most everybody else, that is until he saw Korra and Sorish. Upon noticing them, his mouth dropped for a split second before recomposing himself and asked, “May I help you?”

Sorish nodded “Yes, we have reservations for two under the name Larsh.”

The waiter looked in his book then spotted there name. “Ah yes, patio at sunset. Follow me.” He then turned around and walked into the restaurant as another stuck-up waiter took his place. The waiter lead Korra and Sorish to the patio where a single table was set and ready for them. Sorish pulled out a chair for Korra then side her in after she sat down before taking a seat himself. The waiter then handed them a menu. “May I ask what you would like to drink? I personally would suggest some wine for this lovely evening.”

Sorish looked at Korra who was a bit nervous, never being in a place like this before. “Wine will be fine thank-you.” The waiter bowed and was about to leave before Sorish continued, “Can you also bring some water as well?”

The waiter bowed again. “Of course sir.” He then walked away.

[Miss Relt]

I looked at Sorish as the light from the sunset reflected off his slimy skin turning from the normal blue to a deep purple. I was hypnotized as I watched him order our drinks, not paying any attention to what he was ordering. After the waiter left he turned to me and smiled, that irresistible smile that I had always tried to coax out of him as a child. Suddenly I noticed that he was talking to me.

*I'm sorry Sorish, I was hypnotized by the sunlight reflecting off that beautiful smile of yours. Can you please repeat all that?* I asked in coralian with a seductive grin. And the reaction? It was priceless.

The "Priceless" reaction I received was a huge blush that crossed Sorish's face, his head turned away from me, and a sheepish smile that made my heart throb for the male Coralian, yep the perfect reaction, however it was his next sentence that sealed the deal.

*I'm sure that there are other coralians with a much better smile than mine,* he said before he lifted the menu to cover his face. Sorish has always been a humble soul. He never ever believed that he was better than anybody at anything. An act that had caught my heart years ago. Most of the time it was annoying, however, when it came with a blush and his sheepish smile, it was just frosting on the coral cake. A reaction that I fished for every once in awhile.

His humbleness will also be a pain when I tell him, I thought as we waited for our drinks.

[hoytti]

Sorish hid behind his menu as ranted in his head.

I can't even take a compliment! What is wrong with me!? Am I really that lame that a complement flusters me? As he ranted he took a peek over the menu and noticed Korra smiling her right beautiful smile as she looked over the menu. Returning to the menu sorish turned towards the seafood section of the menu.

Now what should I have? A few minutes later and the waiter returned with the wine bottle which he put between them, then placed two empty wine glasses in front of them pouring the wine before he placed two glass cups of water next to the wine.

"Are you two ready to order?" He asked taking out a notepad and pencil with his face looking at the notepad. Sorish looked at Korra who nodded before saying, "Yes sir, I would like to get the Broiled Lobster Tail with a fruit salad on the side please."

"Of course madam, and for you my good sir?" the water asked as he turned toward sorish.

"I would like the Royal Seafood Dinner if you don't mind with some mashed potato's on the side with the fish gravy." Sorish said as he handed the waiter Korra and his menus.

"Of course sir." The waiter said then departed.

[Miss Relt]

After the waiter left, I turned to look at Sorish's beautiful pink eyes that just brighten in the sunset. His eyes have always been kind and thoughtful, even in a fight. however, there was a certain emotion in them today that I have never seen in them before. A look of nervousness. Though I just brushed it off as the fact that this was really our first date.

Smiling to calm him down I took a sip of the wine, coughing as it burned its way down my throat. I quickly drank the water the waiter had brought at Sorish's request. He started chuckling before taking a sip of the wine grimacing before putting down his wineglass.

*The first sip is always the hardest. Try it again,* he said taking another sip of the wine.

I was skeptical but kept up the act, after all, it was a lovely gesture. So I took another sip of the wine and it did indeed taste better, however, I still didn't quite like it, so I put it to the side and pulled the water closer to me.

*I guess I just don't like this wine. It burns like the Sea Prune Bonza we have at home,* I told him before taking another sip of water.

Sorish laughed. *Well, I would expect that considering they are both alcoholic beverages. I wish you would have told me that earlier. I would have ordered you a virgin margarita. That's what I have when I don't want to have any alcohol.*

I laughed then motioned for the waiter who noticed me and came over.

"May I help you?" he asked still acting all stuffy.

"Yes," I said as I tried not to laugh, "May I have a virgin margarita? I didn't really care for the wine."

"Of course my lady," he said as he took my wine away.

A few minutes later he returned with an oddly shaped wine glass. It was green just like my skin. The way that it differed from the wine glass was that the thin part was curvey and the cup looked like it was double layered with an opening at where the bottom cup met the top cup. Inside was a red liquid that I guessed was the margarita. I looked at it, swished it around a little bit before finally taking a sip. My eyes widened upon tasting the tasty drink and started drinking more

[hoytti]

Sorish smiled after Korra drank the margarita. He was a little upset she didn't like the wine but what could he do. The rest of the dinner they talked about all the adventures they had since the were kids. After about an hour of eating and chatting, Sorish and Korra left leaving a 20% tip for the waiter.

It was already about 9:00 at night and Sorish had one more place to take Korra. Sorish took Korra's hand and lead her to the mountains south of the town. As they entered the mountain range, they read a sign placed at the entrance.


PATH TO MOON PEAK
DANGEROUS WILDLIFE AHEAD
PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Sorish looked at Korra then back at the sign then back to Korra.

*Korra, I would like you to stay right next to me at all times. I will protect you till we get to Moon Peak.* Korra looked at the sign then agreed. Sorish took out his spell book then walked forward as he watched for danger.

[Miss Relt]

I watched at Sorish as he took his beg off his back proceeded to pull out his water Magic before we headed up the mountain.

As we walked up I was debating telling Sorish now before we get somewhere romantic. But how do I start the conversation. Oh I know! *Um, Sorish.*

He turned to me, worry visible on his face. *What is it Korra? Did you hear something?*

I turned away from his face to looked out into the forest, that climbed the mountain, we were walking through, they were changing colors as the seasons changed. Full of reds, yellows and anything in between.

*No Sorish, I didn't hear anything.* Come on Korra just tell him. *I just wanted to know, um.* I was fidgeting, I didn't know how to proceed. *What would you think if I told you that the Three seas were thinking of anointing kings to their waters?*

Sorish blinked before smiling, *I would say that would be a good idea. With a king to rule all the lands in a sea, there can be better communication between the cities of that region as well as between kingdoms.*

I smiled. I knew he would look positively on that now here comes the hard part. *I'm glad to here that because that's exactly what's going on.*

Sorish smiled as we continued to walk through the forest. *Well good for them, now I can't wait to get back there to see what the new king has done for the Northern Sea Kingdom. By the way who is the new king?*

I bit my lip. Now is the time to tell him. *No one had taken the throne when I left, they sent someone to ask him but I left before they got their answer or even announced who they want.*

Sorish's smile fell for a second before returning but not on full force.

Shoot he suspects something, I thought.

*Well, guess we will find out together huh?* he asked before turning back to the road ahead.

[hoytti]

Something's not right, Sorish thought as he and Korra walked up the mountain path. she's hiding something and I don't like it. I hope she isn't planning on breaking up with me. Sorish panicked, he had bought a Engagement Sword and everything just for this occasion. If she broke up with him now he would be without his true love, oh and the 340 gold he spent for the sword. But mostly he's worried about loosing her.

As they walked the path to Moon Peak a pack of Trotinosian Wolves stalked out of the woods. Trotinosian Wolves are classified as the smartest and deadliest wolves known to man, so when they came out Sorish instantly readied his spell book.

"Well, well, well, look what we have here boys. Two fish who are walking on land. our land to be exact," the largest wolf said looking at the two Coralians

"I don't want to fight, but I will if I must," Sorish replied.

All the wolves laughed which confused both Sorish and Korra. "Don't worry fishy, we don't want to fight either, we kill to eat and frankly, you look more like a plant then an animal," the big one that Sorish assumed to be the leader stated as he looked at the Coralian.

Sorish looked at the wolf but didn't drop his guard.

The wolf smirked. "At least you were willing to fight, unlike that other fishy creature."

Both Coralians perked up at this. "What sea creature," Sorish asked as he looked at the wolf.

The wolf grinned wider, "Oh, just this giant twenty tentacled creature, with scales all over it's body, and was shaped almost like a sea ship."

Both Coralians looked at each other and nodded. "A jebledeck."

The wolf tilted it's head. "So you've seen one before?"

Sorish shook his head. "No, just legends about them. They are the most peaceful creature in the seas. They hate fighting and flee when possible, however, if escape is impossible they can kill in a few swipes. They are also said to be one of the fasts creature of the sea. I don't know if they slow down on land but they are definitely hard to catch."

"For sure," The wolf agreed, "we would not have been able to catch it if we had actually chased after it. It was as fast as a dragon flying through the air."

"Well, then it has definitely slowed, the creature can out swim a flying dragon by quite a bit," Sorish said before looking the giant wolf in the eye. "I would like to meet this jebledeck."

"I think it went up to Moon peek as it seemed to have been following the path," The wolf said before turning to the other wolves. "My boys will let you pass." After he said this the wolves moved to the side to allow them to pass, save one. An older looking wolf with a white eye on it's right side

"Befriend this creature King of the Seas and it will serve you well," The wolf said before moving to the side.

Sorish watched the wolf move to the side as he thought, King of the Seas? He looked at Korra who looked just as stunned as he did but also a little bit nervous. Why is she nervous? And why did that old wolf call me King of the Seas? I have to think on this. But I also have to find this jebledeck as well.

The two Coralians walked past the wolves as they continued on to Moon peak.

[Miss Relt]

We continued our trek up the mountain. I had heard the words of the old wolf and knew Sorish picked up on it as well. man this is getting harder and harder to tell him. Why is it so hard to tell him that he will... my thoughts cut off when Sorish spoke.

*Korra, What is the problem. Are you...* He gulped. *...Breaking up with me?*

I panicked. *What! of course not! Why would you think that!?* I hollered.

*Then why are you so nervous? Why do you fidget? Why did you freeze when the old wolf called me 'King of the Seas'? WHAT IS GOING ON!?* The questions came one after the other. I couldn't answer them all at once so I just stood there with my head bowed. *Korra, talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you.* He had tears in his eyes as he spoke. My stomach dropped and my gills constricted. I was, for a lack of a better term, terrified. How was I to tell him that he was chosen to become an important figure in coralian society, to be more important then the leaders of every coralian town and tribe? How was I suppose to tell him he was going to be King of the Seas, an equal to the Kings of Above, a god in the eyes of every coralian in all the seas? He grabbed my wrist and fell to his knees and begged me to say something, anything. That did it. I was pushed over the edge. However, I didn't fall to my knees or let a single tear drop. Instead I grabbed him by his shoulders, lifted him off the ground then slapped him.

*Enough!* I yelled as he stared at me, shocked that I actually hurt him. *This is no way for a king to behave!*

[hoytti]

Sorish continued to look at Korra with plate eyes. *What did you just say.*

*You heard me,* Korra said with fire in her eyes and a sword in her voice. *This is no way for the future King of the Seas to act.*

*Korra,* Sorish said with hesitation, *I am not royalty and there never was a King of the Seas.*

*Right well there is now,* Korra said with a huff. *That is what I've been thinking about. All the tribe leaders have come together and decided that you will be the first King of the Seas. You are going to eventually rule over every coralian in the sea. You where thought to be strong so they chose you to become the king. Now pull yourself together and lets find that Jebledeck.* She then started to march up the mountain but then stopped again. *Oh by the way.* She turned to Sorish. *I would never break up with you.* She then continued up the path to Moon Peak.

[Miss Relt]

I was livid. The nerve of that man! I thought as I continued up the path. Does he honestly believe I would ever leave him. How dare he believe I would ever leave him. Does he not see that I love him. I rounded the corner and stopped. I had reached the top of the path where an outlook was located. Sorish came up behind me and looked at the creature.

*I was right, it was a Jebledeck,* he said as we looked at the creature in front of us. The creature's body was shaped like a sailing ship. It had twenty 20' long tentacles coming out the side of it where windows would be on a normal ship. The creature was brown and had tiny scales all over it. The figurehead of the ship was shaped like a lion that had just started to jump from the ship. The face of the lion was actually the head of the Jebledeck. It looked like it was at peace, as if it knew it would be safe. As I was about to go up to the creature Sorish grabbed my hand and pulled me back.

*Let me do this,* he whispered in my ear then started to walk closer to it.

[hoytti]

Sorish walked slowly forward toward the beautiful creature. The long tentacles hung over the edge of the cliff as it looked out over the mountains and forests on the island. It watched as the moon rose into view from the east. Sorish was probably about a foot away form it when he stepped on a branch.

The creature turned quickly when it heard the snap and spotted Sorish. It backed up slightly but stopped on the edge of the cliff. It then looked back at Sorish, fear filled it's eyes. They pleaded to be spared of whatever atrocities it imagined Sorish would cause it. Sorish stopped and held up his hands to show that he meant it no harm.

The creature looked at the hand then back at Sorish but didn't move forward. Sorish walked closer, however the Jebledeck held up its front tentacles to intimidate Sorish who stopped again. He kept his hands up to try to calm down the beast and began to speak in coralian. *It's okay, I'm not here to hurt you*

The jebledeck looked at him then replied *You speak the language of the seas. What do you want with me?*

Sorish just stayed where he was as he looked the creature in the eye. *I am on a date with my girlfriend. I had the entire event planned. However, I have run into many unforeseen circumstances this entire trip. One of them being that I have been chosen to become the King of the Seas.*

The jebledeck tensed again. *And what does that have to do with me?* it asked as it looked at Sorish still ready to fight if need be.

Sorish looked it straight in the eye. *I want you to join me. To become a friend and ally. And he one there with me when I must leave the castle.* he said with a smile. *I would also like to have you be there as a way of getting to places in an emergency situation. I want you to become my traveling partner.*

The jebledeck was surprised. It left the water to look at the sun set like it did every month, however this time it might get a friend as well. Sorish watched as the jebledecks eyes changed from confused to thoughtful to pure happiness. *I accept your offer* It said as it held out a tentacle. Sorish then shook the tentacle.

After that he turned to Korra. *You can come out now.* he said. She then left her hiding place and started to walk towards them.

[Miss Relt]

I couldn't believe my eyes. Sorish calmed a terrified creature in about twenty-five minutes. I am happy that the Jebledeck calmed down because if it hadn't there was a possibility that Sorish would have been killed. Either that or Sorish would have seriously injured the creature. Suddenly Sorish called me over to the Jebledeck.

I walked closer to the beast and smiled. I was slightly nervous because of the size of the creature. This creature was huge. If I'm right it could hold about a hundred people on the "deck" of it's body, I thought then said, *I'm happy to meet you. I'm Korra, what is your name?*

The Jebledeck looked at Korra then to Sorish then back to Korra. *I'm Salone. Korra, Sorish, You both speak the Landwalker's language. Why and how did you learn it?*

My mood went south in a second as did Sorish's. We both looked Salone in the eye and said, *When we were young we were both adventurous. A scientist was studying The Voices of the Seas. We came up to his boat and after a while he taught us how to speak common, as he called it. Right after our final lesson he died in a storm.*

After a little while Sorish grabbed my hand and said, *Korra, I think we need to stop talking and start the final part of the night.* I nodded then let Sorish hug me before he looked up at the Salone. *Salone, I would like to know, will you allow us to sit in your Crows Nest and watch the moon?*

The Jebledeck nodded it's lion head then picked us up and placed us in the crows nest before it continued to watch the moon rise.

[hoytti]

Sorish held onto Korra tightly as they were both hoisted into the air and placed in the crow's nest of the ship like creature. This is the perfect spot to do this. He thought as they stood there in a deep hug. as they watched the moon rise slowly.

After about ten minutes Sorish began to get antsy. It's now or never, Sorish thought as he let Korra go and stepped back slightly. Korra in return looked confused until he began to speak, every syllable as clear as the cloudless sky above them, *Korra, I am happy to that you are here.*

Korra smiled but still looked confused, *I'm happy to be here too, but-*

Sorish cut her off with a finger to her lips. *Sh, I'm not done.* Korra nodded and Sorish continued, *As I was saying. Korra I'm happy you are here. I'm happy that we are still friends after all these years and have gone beyond that to being girlfriend boyfriend.* Salone tried to keep her ears to himself but the conversation in the crow's nest was just too sweet and she sighed which was thankfully missed by the couple as they were too absorbed in each other.

Korra on the other hand hugged Sorish and said *I'm happy that we have come this far as well.*

Sorish smiled and hugged her back. *I'm glad you are glad. However, I don't think I can continue on like this.*

Korra stiffened and looked Sorish in the face. she was nervous. Is he breaking up with me? she thought the fear he had shown of her breaking up with him about an hour ago completely forgotten.

Sorish pulled away and took one of the swords from his back still in it's sheath. *Korra, we have been together for a long time, and I have love you since our teenage years, but I was too much of a coward to act on it. Here we are now, boyfriend and girlfriend. It still feels like a dream, but I know it is real. However, as I've said, I can't continue on like this. I can't continue to have us being together like this.*

Korra started to loose tears and Salone started to rethink the offer he had given her. It was then that Sorish did something that made Korra gasp which alerted Salone that something big happened Man I wish that I could see what was going on up there. Salone thought as she continued to listen into the conversation.

Up in the crow's nest, Sorish was down on one knee, the sword held out in front of him. He pulled the sword blade out of the sheath just enough to reveal the word "Fidesh" carved into the blade with a "sh" The blade reflect the moons light which gave it a silvery shine.

*Korra will you marry me?*

[Miss Relt]

*Korra will you marry me?*

I was in shock, but not only that I was happy beyond belief. I couldn't contain myself and I jumped at Sorish, who quickly dropped the sword, with a loud *Yes!*
Sorish held me close and said, *Then we shall.* I looked him in the eye and kissed him. He then put the sword & sheath on my back which fit perfectly. He then called down to Salone and had him head to the water then to town. the entire ride home we hugged and kissed under the moon. It was a the best date ever.

[hoytti]

OOC: Sorish transfers Giant Short Sword with the word "Fidesh" engraved into it to Korra.
.

[Amber Eyes]

A Night to Remember: A Night to Remember (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25284-A-Night-to-Remember-(Closed))
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Hoytti and Miss Relt




Plot: 13/30

Story- 4/10

The story was fairly simple. Sorish and Korra are seemingly in love and the date was cute. With that said, you hinted a couple times at some backstory but never enough to give me a clear idea of how the two reached this point. Also, you mentioned some character by name without giving the reader any idea of who they were, the reader should never have to read another thread to understand what you are talking about. Coralians is another example of this, this is the first thread of yours on this character I’ve read and had it not been for the wiki entry I would have been lost as to what a Coralian was.The abrupt ending also detracted from the score here.

Setting- 4/10

While you did a good job of stating the setting in places, you did not interact with it much at all. How did the character’s feet sound against the ground? How did the wine and margarita taste? What does Sorish’s voice sound like? Does Korra get goosebumps when Sorish looks at her? These types of things will bring this score up rather quickly.

Pacing- 5/10

The thread flowed well, but you rushed over scenes in an effort to get to the end, which was much too abrupt. Korra finds a new friend and then in one post sends it on its way. The situation with the wolves was also an excellent opportunity that you glanced over. Focus on fleshing out scenes before moving on, and when you end a thread with something as big as a proposal, let us see the reactions fully instead of ending it so quickly.



Character: 12/30

Communication- 4/10

The dialogue was mostly clear. I’m assuming that using an asterisk instead of quotations is a stylistic choice, but its one I would consider changing if I were you. Use body language to give the reader more in this area. Perhaps Korra crossed her arms nervously when she was worried that Sorish would break up with her, or Sorrish looked down when he became embarrassed. You also noted that the waiters seemed stuck up, which would have been a good opportunity to have them speak with an air of superiority.

Action-4/10

With all the movement in this thread you had a lot of opportunity to give us some physical queues. As I stated in communication, body language is just as important as what the character says.



Persona- 4/10

I never got a good feel for Sorish and Korra’s personalities. They came across as very cookie-cutter boy and girl in love, and I know you’ve been working on them for quite some time so there is more there than that. This score is also hurt a bit by the mention of NPCs who aren’t explained as well as the strange encounter with the wolves. Why did they allow the couple to continue?



Prose: 13/30

Mechanics- 4/10

The piece was riddled with simple mistakes, luckily this is an easy area to make progress very quickly. Keep in mind when spell checking that it won’t pick up when you use the wrong word. There instead of their, It’s instead of its. You also need to check for capitalization. Coralian should always be capitalized as the name of a race, and a couple times you missed the capitalization of Sorish. When you use a number in a story always write it out, so 9:00 should be nine o’clock.

Clarity- 5/10

I had little trouble understanding what was going on, but at times your descriptions were confusing. Make sure to re-read your work to ensure that it is always completely clear. Again, the references to other people and races that weren’t explained hurt this score a bit. Keep an eye on your tense changes as they can get confusing as well.

Technique- 4/10

You are just beginning to grasp the basics here, and from what I’ve seen previously this is much improved. Keep working on the basics and start attempting some of the more technical aspects as you go. It may take a while to find a style that works for you but I see a ton of potential. You did well with foreshadowing throughout the thread, with hints to what Sorish had planned. Phrases like "The blade smiled in the moonlight." (Personification) Or "Korra wilted like a flower." (simile) will go a long way to help this score.



Wildcard: 5/10

I am eager to see where you go from here. It has been a while since I’ve read your work and I can certainly see improvements. Keep working at it and I look forward to following along.



Final Score: 42/100

Hoytti (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16188-hoytti) receives:


540 EXP!
70 GP!


Miss Relt (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16320-Miss-Relt) receives:


495 EXP!
70 GP!

Congratulations!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!