The Veil (Open)

[Krausus]

(PM me a link to your Character so i can read up on weapons and such)

Arron walked into the Citadel turning his head like any man would. He walked up to the desk and pulled off his hat, letting his flaming red hair settle down. "I heard this was the place to find a fight. Can I get an arena?" The man at the desk looked up at Arron and remarked "What kind?" Arron turned his staff in his hands and then said "Make it a single beam, with a pure black intangible veil between the halves. Make the floor out of wood, covered in glass." The man thought for a moment then called out for an assistant and then spoke "This monk will lead you to your arena. Wait outside until you find a worthy opponent." He then, with a grave finality stamped a card and handed it to Arron who took it and stored it in his coat.

Arron paced in front of the door waiting for another fighter, he had beaten two teenagers rather quickly. He now awaits a worth challenge in The Citadel.

[Ashley]

Standing outside of the large structure in the bustling city, Ashley could barely contain her excitement as she thought about her first Citadel battle. She checked all of her equipment one last time, tightening her boots, straightening her vest, and making sure her bow was taut before making her way into the arena. She approached the main desk, disappointed to find that it was taller than she was.

"Hey mister!"

She had to knock on the hardwood to get his attention. The man looked up from his papers, appearing rather confused before the short Elf called out again.

"Down here! I wanna fight somebody. Is this where I sign up?"

She gave him a big childish grin, only to be met with a look of puzzlement.

"Little girl, I think you might be in the wrong place. Where are your parents? They should keep a better eye on you in such a big city."

Ashley stared back at him with an annoyed glare, putting her hands decisively on her hips before replying.

"No, I think you might be in the wrong place. Can't you tell I'm a real adventurer? I wanna fight somebody, for real! I'm strong, look, I can prove it!"

She swiftly pulled her shortbow off her back, and notched her fingers on the string without drawing an arrow. Out of nowhere, a green, glowing, rushing shaft of magical wind appeared, ready to be fired.

"You'll let me fight somebody, right?"

She gave the man another cheeky grin, then let the conjured arrow vanish just as it had appeared, before returning her bow to her back.

"You're certainly enthusiastic. I have an open match with somebody waiting for an opponent right now. Will that be acceptable?"

"Yeah yeah! Where do I go?"

She began looking about the area, bobbing up and down excitedly on her tippy toes. The man behind the desk waved over a robed monk, then handed her a card.

"Just follow him. He'll lead you to your opponent."

Ashley followed the man to the arena, neither of them ever speaking a word. She looked over the pacing crimson haired man, then quickly skipped the rest of the way to bridge the gap between them.

"Hey mister!"

She stared up at him with a confident smile.

"I'm your opponent! You better be ready. I'm tougher than I look!"

[Krausus]

Arron pulled up his hat, seeing the vague shadow and hearing the footsteps of what sounded and smelled like an elf. But this one was short. He opened the door that was behind him. "I assume you are my challenger. I hope you can fight."

He walked into the arena and straight into a wall. He cursed and then jumped on to a beam that occupied the center of the room. "Elf, get on the other side of the Veil. I will call out the start."

Once he thought she did, he shouted for all to hear "Let our battle begin!"

Arron drew his swords, allowing his ferret to curl safely around his neck. He walked forward until he saw only darkness. He heard movement on the other side.

"Your move" He shouted as he ducked down to avoid any arrows. He walked forward, putting one foot in front of the other. He confidently walked through the barrier an struck out, hitting nothing but air.

After dodging that arrow he heard nothing. He knew the elves. Light on their feet, graceful. He turned and listened, hearing a shuffle slashed while moving forward and felt something hit the blade. Nothing. Just the posts holding up the Veil. He shifted his weight into a , his legs staggered, his swords crossed slightly. Arron waited and listened.

The girl was there but he could not hear or feel her step. He only had his worthless shadow-sight (He isn't totally blind, he sees the outlines of objects, no details) and his hearing to work with. So instead of striking again his stood up straight and said "Come hit me, and you will fall" He stood there waiting for the first strike.

[Ashley]

"You betcha!"

The young elf nodded enthusiastically, seemingly unable to keep still, just bursting with energy. She followed after him into the arena, her bright clear eyes widening as she took in the sight.

"Woaahhh. Is this where we're gunna fight? It looks fancy."

Her childish smile grew even bigger, the large black curtain drawing most of her attention. She snapped her gaze back to her opponent when he spoke to her, and gave a confident nod. She ran her way to the middle of the arena, struggling as she tried to climb up onto the large beam, but soon succeeds with a soft "Oomph." Cautiously she approached the veil, reaching out her hand to poke just a finger through, the magical curtain giving way without any resistance. Determining it was safe, soon the rest of her followed through. She took a few steps further along the beam, then turned towards her opponent, another grin permeating her face.

"Don't think I'm gunna go easy on you just cause you're blind!"

She giggled childishly, mocking him. She heard the sound of him drawing his blades, and in an instant, her childish and excited demeanor was gone, replaced with a far more serious stare. She heard footsteps from the other side of the curtain, and readied herself, pulling her bow from behind her, and plucking an arrow from over her shoulder. She notched it in the string, and pulled it back with ease. Her modified weapon had a very low pullback weight. It would be useless for anybody but her.

She held her breath, closed one eye, took only a moment to aim, and fired where she thought her opponent would be past the black curtain. The projectile left the weapon with less then impressive speed, but immediately her magic kicked in to give it a powerful boost, a very concentrated gust of wind pushing the arrow from behind. She frowned, appearing rather disappointed when she heard it embed itself in the opposite wall.

"You're a quick one miste-" Her compliment was cut off before she could finish it. Her higher instincts kicking in in a moment's notice, she stiffened herself, and pushed off hard, backwards, with a single foot, just barely dodging the swift swing of his blade. Her arm reached back for another arrow, and in one swift motion notched and fired it, her magic propelling it once again. In the small distance, it had no room to gain speed, and it wasn't surprising that he managed to dodge it.

She had no response this time. She began to step backwards along the beam, reaching for another arrow as she did, but his next lunge forced her to make another hasty dodge. She held her breath, her cute round face beginning to sweat. Even blind, it was clear her opponent was an accomplished swordsman. She was beginning to catch onto his trick, and so remained as silent as she could. Locked in this standstill for a long few seconds, a clever idea popped into her little head. She deliberately tapped her foot on the beam, and to dodge the expected counter, she sidestepped, falling down onto the glass covered wooden floor below. She ducked into a somersault, and leaped back up onto her feet. Immediately she readied and fired another arrow in his direction, then sprinted to the edge of the arena, the wall to her back. She readied another shot, but didn't fire it just yet.

Silently, an illusion, a perfect image of herself emerged from her side. Having no mass of its own, it made no sound as she directed it to the other side of the room, ducking under the beam, and taking up position opposite of herself.

"Hey mister! I'm over here!"

Shouted her perfect copy, as the real one lined up her shot, and fired.

[Krausus]

Arron saw only a tear between two figures. Identical figures. He decided that she had used magic. Yet without his sight he could not find which was the reality and which was an illusion. So he had to rely on his remaining sense. Hearing. He heard one soft step. A breeze. He turned around to face something flying directly at him. An arrow.

He sidestepped but it lodged into his shoulder. He winced as it pierced his flesh but, went hard. He pulled it out and when it came free, yelled in pain. "I will get you for that. I swear on my ancestors." He shook his arm and a long slim needle fell out of a pocket within. "Seek" Arron mumbled. The needle then hovered slightly above his hand pointing towards the nearest thing. An elven figure running towards the farthest wall. Once Arron laid his sight on the girl the needle dissolved into sand. "Gods above. I had hoped to use that somewhere important. Took me seventeen days to get it." He adjusted his sword in his hand again. Allowing the blades to fall down a bit he shifted his stance for defense. He truly wished that he could be a magus. He could just light the place on fire.

He slid his feet across the floor making little noise. He was poised to strike. And he did. But right after the sword hit the figure, the elf disappeared. He shouted a curse. An illusion. Powerful magic this was. Even for such a young one. He turned violently as he heard footstep behind him. "You were unwise to challenge my patience, Elf." He said as he turned and leveled his swords to her chest. "Now either fight me here and now or run and hide. No matter to me. I will hunt you down..."

[Ashley]

I had a very difficult time trying to comprehend what was going on in that post. Please try to be more clear next time.

Just as Ashley let go of her bowstring, the needle materialized at chest level, stealing her attention away. A fraction of a second later, she swung her gloved arm downwards, summoning a dense shield of magical wind. At the same moment, the magic needle hurtled at her with shocking velocity considering the tiny space it had to accelerate. The edge of her shield slammed into the projectile, not reaching quickly enough to try and block it. The needle deflected downwards, and lodged itself deeply into her thigh, penetrating her armor like butter. In the same time span, her un-boosted arrow found its target, but bounced right off, causing no damage.

While her opponent was still distracted with her illusion, she collapsed onto one knee, and let out a loud childish wince. She bit hard on her lower lip, tears twinkling in the corners of her eyes, but she managed to maintain composure. Ends of the long needle stuck out of both sides of her leg, causing a sharp stinging pain. She gripped onto the end of it with two fingers, and slowly pulled it out, the metal painted with her blood. Her eyes clamped shut, and her mouth twitched as she removed it completely, tossing it to the side.

"You're not so bad mis-ter."

She slowly got back onto her feet, trying not to put too much pressure onto her injured leg. A tiny trickle of blood poured out down her hide leggings. She was panting lightly now. In her panic she poured too much of herself into that shield, draining her mental endurance.

"But I'm not so bad either~"

She grinned, taking note that her first shot had hit him.

"I'm not giving up just yet!"

She stuck her tongue out at him, taunting him childishly, confident with the sizable distance, and the beam between them. She reached for another arrow, and fired a wind boosted shot in his direction. She aimed and fired once more before splitting into two again. The two identical figures ran in opposite directions, one of them having a noticeable limp. The limping one, the real one, disappeared on the other side of the large black veil that split the room in half, her illusion seemingly preparing a shot.

[Krausus]

Arron wasnt paying attention. To her he payed no heed. He was mostly focusing on removing the arrowhead from his shoulder. He winced as it slid out. He turned to look around the room. Once again he saw her shape after hearing a whimper from the impact of the Seeker Needle. He turned to face her.

A few seconds later a copy split from her. A second one. Arron sighed.

Arron graabbed his sword from the ground where he dropped it and walked towards the beam and jumped up. He paced over to the Veil. He heard nothing on the other side but silence, he assumed she had run. Maybe fled the arena. But at the last second he heard a step, then another. Slow, it had no true rhythm that most walking had to it. Some time later he saw the shape of the Elf limp to the far wall. Arron jumped down off the beam, and followed.

He figured that deflecting the needle, propelling her arrows, and copying herself would take a toll so he walked over to her slowly. At about ten feet away he stopped and said so that she could hear.

"Elf, i dont like hurting you but if i must i will. So i will offer two things, first, you can yield now and i will help you get to the monks. Or the second choice, where we can face each other honorably and we will find ourselves at a stalemate."

He then turned around and grabbed hold of the beam propelling himself onto it. He sat down and said,

"You have five minutes"

[Ashley]

Ashley grumbled under her breath when the swordsman saw right through her little trick, and dismissed her illusion with the tiniest flick of her arm. She watched silently as he traversed the beam, her heart and her mind racing. Her endurance was waning, and she was running out of options. She would fall if he assaulted her now.

She bit her lip as he began to approach her, and took up a defensive stance, ready to run if he got too close. She met his gaze with one of confusion as he offered her a choice, and slowly her mouth twisted into a wicked grin. She slowly slipped her empty hand behind her back, and began drawing on the last of her magical energies, a pulsating, green, rushing mass of silent wind forming around her fingertips. Using his offer to her advantage, she prepared one last all or nothing shot.

"Maybe you're right mister. Surely I can't win this now."

She struggled to hide the grin on her face as she spoke, only hoping that her acting was believable enough. She found it hard to resist taunting him, or crack a joke about him needing the monks more than she does, but she wasn't willing to risk missing this shot.

"I guess I should just.."

With the swiftness and grace only an elf could muster, she brought her hand with the flowing mass of magical energies to her bowstring, reformed it into a perfectly straight, broad headed wind arrow, pulled back and fired at the center of his chest. The projectile left the bow with incredible speed, racing to close the gap between them.

"Do my best!"

Her energy exhausted, she collapsed onto her knees, even struggling to maintain consciousness after her kamikaze attack. She could only hope that it struck.

[Krausus]

Arron heard the arrow's rushing winds producing a loud whine as it cut the air before he felt them. Luckily he sidestepped in time to avoid the arrow. Mostly. It pierces his chest hard. After feeling the arrow rupture an artery, Arron dropped to his knees bleeding profusley. He struggled to his feet and using his one good arm took up his sword. The disc was glowing brighter than ever now.

"I will end this" he mumbled.Arron walked over, clearly in pain and almost out of energy.

He took up a stance of offence but did not strike.

"I will not kill or wound, but i know we both yield. We are injured and i am dying with every second i speak. Do you accept?"

With that last word, he lost all vestiges of strength and his senses fled as he drifted out of consciousness.

[Ashley]

Ashley trembled, the world around her fading in and out. She had really pushed herself, and she was about to run out of fumes. She slowly raised her head as the wounded swordsman approached her, the magic arrow vanishing into nothing as he brandished his weapon at her face. She shakily opened her mouth to speak, but before any words came out he collapsed to the ground before her. Momentarily shaking off her weariness, she got to her feet, proudly presenting a triumphant grin. When she was certain it was her victory, everything went black, she wavered, and crumpled to the floor. She was exhausted.

Who knows how long later, her eyes shot open, and she quickly rose from a comfortable bed. She stretched her arms out high above her head, and yawned loudly. She was feeling remarkably refreshed, and the pain from her leg was completely gone. She looked around to take in her surroundings, and seemed to be alone, save for a single monk watching over her. There was only one thing she was eager to know.

"So did I win?"

The monk remained motionless for several grueling moments, before finally shaking his head.

"Draw. To be declared victor you need to exit the arena under your own power."

She was clearly disappointed to hear the news, but she thought to herself, at least she didn't lose. With a half-frown, she threw her legs over the edge of the bed, and hopped onto her feet again. She gathered up her bow and her quiver from the table beside her, returning them both to the usual place on her back. Seems they even collected her arrows for her.

"I didn't kill him, right?"

She asked, appearing slightly concerned. After the monk's assurance that he was fine, she left the room, and exited the building, a small black and white cat quickly returning to her side. She bent down to give it a scratch, quickly perking up and returning to her usual self.

"I'll win the next one."

She nodded confidently, as she smiled down at her pet, and they both wandered off to wherever they might be going next.

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: The Veil
Judgement Type: Full Rubric, Moderate Commentary
Participants: Krausus, Ashley

Krausus

Plot ~ 11/30

Story ~ 3/10 – Be careful not to focus on the fight. Everyone needs drive, focus, and a reason not just to exist, but also to exist in the Citadel. I get the impression war becomes you, but then consumes you. The story felt detached, absent, and longing for more exposition. I appreciate you are new to the site, and Krausus has little back-story – but, use vignettes, metaphor, and snippets of past to develop the audiences love for the character (or loathing, if need be).

Setting ~ 3/10 – There was little in the way of setting here. To establish setting, you need to begin with referring to your character’s location within it – and, in the case of the Citadel, in relation to your opponent. Solid, foundation, and groundwork in this category comes from setting out the basics, the concrete, and the obvious, and then going from there.

Pacing ~ 5/10 – Your posts flowed, and worked with Ashley, and the battle itself worked out well as far as pacing is concerned. You may wish to tempo your intro, and your outro, because you had plenty of room to develop your reactions, dialogue, and actions. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with short posts, and I advocate them in the Citadel more often than not, but consider more of them, to keep pacing quick-witted and breath taking.

Character ~ 12/30

Communication ~ 4/10 – Mechanical errors made it difficult to appreciate your character’s dialogue. If you establish better mechanics, communication will improve on its own merit. You can also communicate in more subtle ways; your character can move, or make gestures, alongside his dialogue. He can shrug, point, and sigh – little things to develop action, as well as communication. The rubric is very much an integrated system – build one category, and it affects others.

Action ~ 4/10 – Ashley outshone you here playing to strengths, bringing to life NPCs, and maintaining momentum within the arena. Be careful not to be too stoic, swordsman like, and blunt with how you swing your weapon. Develop a style, even if it means looking up sword techniques and fighting arts.

Persona ~ 4/10 – I did not connect to the character during the battle. You established drive, and reason, and then abandoned it all. Your profile has a lot of background you can use to highlight why your character is who they are. Have they loved? Have they died? Have they been hurt, and do they hold a grudge? You cannot be afraid to make your creation feel, falter, and fumble – they are human, so to speak, after all. I did enjoy the constant sense that your character is not being challenged, and given the diminutive stature of your opponent, rightly so!

Prose ~ 9/30

Mechanics ~ 3/10 – Consistent mistakes throughout your posts, even with appreciating that English is your second language. I would concentrate first on getting the punctuation correct. There are full stops where full stops belong. Comma and dialogue interaction, repeated misspellings, and errors that you can easily identify are prevalent. Using a word processor might seem like trite advice, but read through the grammar checker comments, and ensure these basics are there before you go on to attempt more difficult technical tricks. I am happy to help further with extensive notes if you believe it helpful – I would err you to try to learn on study’s merit, however.

Clarity ~ 3/10 – As your opponent correctly observes, your posts, towards the latter half of the battle, became broken, fragmented, and felt as though they were missing pieces. These pieces were vital, skips on a record, and were jarring. If you have issue like this crop up during a thread, take the time to discuss, civilly, the points with your opponent. Sometimes it is a stranger’s eye that sees things in our writing we never can (I still have error moments when someone else reads something of mine. I think it is epic, but they see straight through that!)

Technique ~ 3/10

Wildcard: 4/10 – A little rough around the edges, and plenty of room for improvement. All good things come to those who wait, though, so try to take commentary from this judgement, and every subsequent judgement on board and we can aid you to better your narrative and soon enough, Krausus will be a tour de force.

Ashley

Plot ~ 16/30

Story ~ 5/10 – You established a concrete, ‘here to fight’ premise, but beyond needing to prove yourself (does not everyone?) there was an absence of drive, narrative, and interesting development. I appreciate the Citadel is not the best environment to write in for storytelling, and you’re a new character, so a background is hard to come by, but consider how past life events can become utilised in the arena, and remember in future fights to dwell on previous encounters. If you continue to weave Ashley into the history of Althanas with such a strong technique, you will be reaching much higher scores and heights of literary providence in no time.

Setting ~ 5/10 – You scored average here for correct ‘setting’ as far as Ashley is small, and you showed how that affected the battle and the entrance. Sense, sight, smell, touch, and hearing need to come into effect in between your listed actions and to bring the arena to life.

Pacing ~ 6/10 – Nice, quick, and easy to follow – nothing dragged, and nothing faltered, though the short nature of the thread made the battle seem unrealistically short. You don’t have to make every battle an epic, but realism and writing need to balance – if you feel you are finished, finish – if not, don’t force it.

Character ~ 15/30

Communication ~ 5/10 – Nothing was fundamentally incorrect with communication, but it felt forced. Saying what be needed is the core skill in dialogue, but saying in an interesting, amusing, and interesting way is another level. You have a good grasp of the basics, and I cannot fault the plucky nature and buoyant heart that shines through in Ashley’s speech, but you need to find a voice – an inflection, a dialect, or a mannerism that goes hand in hand with a diminutive stature.

Action ~ 5/10 – Solid, but lacking in anything other than the conventions required to indicate movement. Everything was believable, but be careful not to overplay or underplay your opponent, or the NPC’s you utilise.

Persona ~ 5/10 – I got a sense of a need to prove your worth, and that you are a young, innocent looking elf in a dangerous world. To expand on that, you should give us hints, elusions, and snippets of why. Why is Ashley in a position to need to swing swords and throw fireballs? Why is your character in the Citadel, when there are better places to adventure, find gold, and claim fame?

Prose ~ 21/30

Mechanics ~ 7/10 – You had careful observation of sentence structure, punctuation, and dialogue format upheld throughout. You utilised listing a little dangerously, but it pulled off in portraying a jittery character without twisting convention too much. There was a strong, concerted effort here. Be careful not to start a new paragraph with ‘She said,’ as this should tie to the dialogue in question – see post 10. Also, be careful with capitalisations – Elf and elf, and so forth.

Clarity~ 8/10 – Your writing, on the merit of your mechanical structure, is easy to follow, easy to read, and easy to understand. Consider using listing a little less, and shorten sentences into concrete points, and you will breeze into 9/10 scores without much effort. I am impressed with your debut.

Technique ~ 6/10 – Listing puts you ahead of the average rubric score, and a mechanical knowledge keeps you there. Consider enhancing Ashley’s place in the world by developing setting, and utilising everything from tripling, to pathetic fallacy, and metaphor to tie the small into the big.

Wildcard: 5/10 – Welcome to Althanas, Ashley. This is a strong debut, and encouraging. You have the foundations to find your own stylistic pointers, and to grow and expand as a writer within the context of the rubric and Althanas canon. I wish you every success, and hope to read more! I would love to duke it out with you should you wish?

---

I would be happy to develop on the points above, or provide more in depth examples based on those notes if requested. cydneyoliver@gmail.com, or my Mordelain inbox are both appropriate avenues to do.

If you have any concerns, doubts, and worries, and don’t wish to speak to me directly for whatever reason, then I am sure another member of staff will resolve the matter on your behalf. I am perfectly amenable and open to feedback, as the judge has to develop, as much as the writer put under the scrutiny of the rubric!


Krausus – total score: 36/100

Ashley – total score: 55/100

Ashley is victorious, and receives 400 experiences and 150 gold.

Krausus receives 100 experience and 50 gold.

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.