Let the Apocalypse Begin (Closed)

[Dead & Walking]

Grond woke up outside on the ground. What am I doing out here, he thought as he looked around wondering where he was. Suddenly Grond remembering what had happened. He was leading a group of humans against some wolves that looked like they should be dead. He had been bitten by one two days ago before driving them off. The doctor had a look at the bite but didn't know if there was any danger of infection so just washed it best he could then wrapped it.

Grond decided to look himself over and nearly screamed, nearly because all that came out was a moan. Suddenly he had an urge to bite the nearest creature. Turning he noticed that his dog was sleeping next to him. Bending down he bit the dog on the neck making the dog yelp as it jumped up. Grond walked away after that as the dog looked around to figure out what happened before noticing that it's master was missing. It ran off towards the house hoping to find it's master who it couldn't smell.

Grond walked away towards the woods not really thinking, instinct leading him. Eventually he came upon a clearing where the wolves from earlier where laying down resting, or waiting. Suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "Finally the chosen commander has arrived. What are your orders commander?" The Zombie Wolf asked.

Grond instinctually knew he was the commander and said, "We wait till nightfall before we sneak in and attack these potential zombies. However, we must go quietly."

"As you wish, Commander Grond," the wolves said in unison.

As he turned away from the wolves Grond thought, We shall take this world one day. But first, we shall take this island known as Grace.

[Dead & Walking]

That night, the six zombies were just inside the forest line waiting for the last of the villagers to go to sleep. As soon as the last one did Grond turned to the wolves and gave them instructions.

"Okay, what we are going to do is sneak into two houses and bite some people gently to inject the virus. Depending on whether they wake up and scream or not, we will determine if we will continue onto more houses or retreat into the forest."

The wolves nodded then the six Zombies headed into the town. As soon as Grond entered the town he motioned two of the dogs into the house on the right while the other three went into the house on the left. Grond was about to go into the house on the right when he noticed a guard walking the streets. Grond hid before the guard could find him. As soon as the guard walked past, Grond snuck up behind him, clapped his hand over the guard's mouth then bit his shoulder, knocking him out in the process. he then hid the man before searching for other guards.

There ended up being five guards in all and each one got a bite. After finishing off the final guard, Grond Motioned for the wolves to begin and just like that all five bit down on their victims making them scream. Grond walked out of the town as the Zombie Wolves ran out of the house and into the woods. Grond looked back at the town

All is going as planned, he thought as he turned back and entered the woods. Thus the first night of infection was completed.

[Dead & Walking]

AS the sun set the next day, Grond and the five hounds watched as new guards patrolled Fom in pairs of two. After a patrol walked around the outskirts of town, gave a nod to two of the dogs who ran up and bit them in the spot he showed them, incapacitating them instantly, as well as infecting them.

After hiding the bodies, Grond and a hound knocked out the other guards effectively incapacitating them so that they were fresh for the transformation processes. That night they got another five people while asleep while another ten came from the guards. That meant fifteen people were infected and the number was growing rapidly. Soon I will be strong enough to take on Genar. Grond thought as he walked away from the town, not knowing what tomorrow would bring.

TOWN STATUS
50 people
15 men, 15 women, 20 children
26 people infected
13 men 10 women 3 children
1 animal infected
Zan the Hound

[Dead & Walking]

The next evening, Grond and his army of six, yes six, zombies watched as three groups of five people wandered Fom, guarding it from these creatures that seemed to come at night biting people.

Looking over his shoulder Grond spoke to the six zombified creatures. "Wolf pack one, you are to take down the guards while me and Zan go in and find our first 11 recruits. Afterwards, we will all meet at the entrance to choose our next victims. Understood?"

Zan had come to them that morning alerting Grond to the fact that it takes two days to fully zombify, which meant tonight they would receive eleven more zombies. The six canines nodded as the five wolves walked off and started taking down the guards. after the last guard was taken care of Grond and Zan walked into the town where eleven zombified humans stood. There were seven men, two women, a little boy, and a little girl.

Maybe I should make it so that children can't be bit, after this town that is, they're too young to die, or fight, Zan thought looking at the kids. Hey, you can't say he doesn't have a heart... sort of.

After that thought Grond spoke, "Okay everyone tonight we bite the rest so find those who don't have a bite mark and bit them, then we will wait in the woods for them to come to us, then we will head north to Genar!" He groaned out as the others dispersed and bit the remaining nine children, well actually, Grond ended up choosing four children to mark, with a scratch on the shoulder, who he will raise to serve him eventually. After they finished with the infecting, Grond's little band of zombies left. but not before Zan bit The Horrible Four, a band of four cats who terrorize the town.

TOWN STATUS
50 people
15 men, 15 women, 20 children
46 people infected
15 men 15 women 16 children
4 animal infected
4 cats

4 people marked
4 children
2 boys 2 girls

[Dead & Walking]

The next morning, Grond decided to go into town and see how the town was holding up. So he put on a blue cloak that covered his entire body and and some gloves, before he walked right into town. Everyone had a bandage on their bites and seemed to be mourning. As he walked he was stopped by an man.
I'm sorry sir, but this town isn't safe for strangers," the man said. "My name is Saldan Chesterfield and I'm the mayor of this town." Chesterfield put out his hand. Grond took it but stayed silent.

Chesterfield looked at grind then said, "Let me guess, mute?"

Grond nodded.

"Well then, can you write?"

Grond shook his head no.

"Hm, well then, yes and no it is. First off, do you have business in Fom?"

Grond shook his head no.

"Then you're passing through?"

Grond nodded again.

"Well, you best hurry and leave, we don't want anyone else falling to these creatures that have attacked us every night for the last few night."

Grond nodded and was on his way back to the zombie camp.

[Dead & Walking]

That evening, Grond and Zan snuck back into town where there new recruits where waiting, however, since Grond wanted to not alert anyone to their presence, Grond sent them back to the Zombie camp before Grond turned to Zan.

"Zan, we are going to infect the animals that are in this town tonight," Grond said as Zan looked at him before nodding in understanding. "Good, now then, lets go."

Grond and Zan walked the empty streets as they looked for their first victim. As they turned the corner they found a badger who was staring at them. Grond walked forward which made the badger Growl. Grond ignored it and continued walking forward. Suddenly, the badger jumped at him which Grond effectively dodged. The badger turned back on them then jumped again. Again Grond dodged. A third, then a forth, and even a fifth. The badger kept lunging and Grond kept on dodging. Eventually, Grond had enough and grabbed the badger in thin air before biting it. Afterwards, Grond released the badger that just hissed before running away.

Grond spotted a few other creatures that he infected; a mouse, another cat, a rabbit, and even a cow that was nearby.

Zan got more animals; four cats, another three dogs, five rabbits, a bear, and strangely a moose who had gotten to close to the town.

As the sun was about to rise, Zan and Grond left the town and headed for the zombie camp.

Now we got some more animals for our army, we can lay low for a while, Grond thought before entering camp.



TOWN STATUS
24 people
2 men, 5 women, 17 children
20 people infected
2 men 5 women 13 children
21 animals infected
9 cats 3 dogs 1 mouse 6 rabbits 1 bear 1 cow, 1 moose.

4 people marked
4 children
2 boys 2 girls

[Dead & Walking]

And that's what Grond's army did. They waited ten days before coming out of the woods, in which they had bitten every adult animal that occupied it. Now his army consisted of forty-six humans, nine cats, three dogs (Besides Zan), one-thousand-five-hundred mice, six-hundred rabbits, twenty-five bears, forty cows, two bulls, forty-five moose, five-hundred squirrels, a hundred raccoon, and fifty skunks.

Grond was more then pleased with the results, however, he discovered that he can only effect mammals for the time being and that limited what he could control.

Now while it was true that he had collected thousands of creatures to become his personal army, the number of humans was small. Only about fifty, and that won't do at all, plus he discovered that a zombie can't use any kind of tool or weapon, so he decided to leave some humans alive in some of the towns later for more then just breeding stock, but to make stuff for his army as well as sail a ship for them when it's time to leave the island.

Grond's army, plus the four marked children, moved north to the city of Genar, ready to take "The City of Wishes".



Town Status: Ghost Town

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: Let The Apocalypse Begin!
Judgement Type: Light Commentary
Participants: Dead Man Walking

Plot ~ 10/30

Story ~ 3/10 – I understood the point of your story. Grond been turned into zombie. Grond woken up. Grond conquer world. Immersing the reader straight into the action, getting to the meat and bones, if you like, was a good choice. However, you could have exposed some of Grond’s past life, even little snippets, as the story progressed. Perhaps have flashbacks to lovers, relatives, and sons he sees in the people he is biting.

Setting ~ 2/10 – You concentrated too much, essentially, on what you were turning. A strong setting requires, first, attention to five senses. It then requires life. You tell us you have turned four cats, but not what breed. You tell us you are in a town, but not if it is well populated, if it smells of manure, or if the maidens dance with ivy and lilac dress. Not every story needs to be dripping with purple prose, forcing a setting on a reader…but on the flipside; you do need to establish something, an essence, some colour, and a theme.

Pacing ~ 5/10 – short, prompt, and to the point. Pacing only fell short in each post, where mechanical issues obscured meaning, and caused re-reading. You have a firm grasp of the post length required for a simple introductory tale, and it is a good exercise to do so much, in so little space.

Character ~ 11/30

Communication ~ 4/10 – What dialogue was present served a purpose, but lacked presence. You used inner voice to overcome the typical undead curse – all the groaning doesn’t make communication easy, but you didn’t suffer for it – add groans, comic or otherwise, and body language to communicate alongside Grond’s thoughts, and this will soon improve your score dramatically. The scouting mission with the mayor in post five was witty; you could definitely show Grond’s intellect for a corpse using this sort of sitcom scenario, but not too much!

Action ~ 3/10 – You bit, you walked, you groaned. To develop a strong action component, you require going beyond the ‘action’. Do you bite somebody in a visceral manner? Do you walk with a limp like a pirate? Do you spit when you talk, or twitch when you tear flesh and break necks? For every action, accompany it either with a reaction (to show a dynamic world), or a describing action. He bit fustily. He clawed angrily. He smiled wearily. It might seem like simple advice, but it will help establish not just higher scores here, but in persona and setting as well.

Persona ~ 4/10 – Do not be afraid to break the mould with Grond. I appreciate he’s a zombie, and the zombie genre has been, excuse the pun, done to death…but there is so much room to work with here. Find a quirk, and run with it, no matter how silly. Set Grond apart, or make him so obviously clichéd that everyone’s reaction to him becomes a persona unto itself.

Prose ~ 12/30

Mechanics ~ 4/10 – You started well, and there is a good grasp of basic mechanics. Two areas fall short – sentence structure, which is notoriously easy to learn, but near impossible to master, and general proof reading. I strongly believe that going back over your work and reading aloud, advice I have given and use a thousand times myself, would iron out most of the kinks. Simple corrections can go a long way; capital letters, full stops, and commas when points conjoin (I would be happy to help with this in more detail, or refer you to a mentor).

Clarity~ 4/10 – Be careful how you phrase and word sentences. Mechanics often side step into clarity, and improving one can help the other. When you read aloud, think about how it might sound to those who do not have a background in your character, and the history that comes with it. If you doubt yourself, simplify, err on brevity, and redraft.

Technique ~ 4/10 – Again, one category improved can improve others. Technique often comes to a writer later in his or her career, so work on the mechanics and foundations of writing, and then technique will come naturally, as you pick up things and new ideas spark. In this thread, I particularly liked the use of the NPCs, and importantly, your Battlestar Galactica/24 style tally of zombies at the end of each post. That is something entirely new to Althanas and bravo for that innovation.

Wildcard: 6/10 – I love zombies. I love what you do here, and I love the technical innovation with the population count. I look forward to seeing not only you improve as a writer, but also Grond improve as a devilish necromancer!

Total - 39/100


Dead Man Walking receives 365 experience, and 100 gold.

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.