'A Few Good Men' Workshop

[Mordelain]

Rules

1. No outright attacks on thread writers or reviewers. You may criticize the thread only. This is not a venue for trolling, flaming, or otherwise bashing, demonizing or demoralizing individuals. You will receive only one warning, and upon the second offense in the entire forum, action will be taken.

2. This forum is for Workshop type evaluations only. If you have a thread you want others to look over and comment on, create your own Personal Workshop thread (or whatever you want to call it) in the Role Players' Corner.

3. Take criticism well. The comments here are intended to help writers improve as such. Do not get disheartened if someone says something ill of your work, but rather take it to heart and work hard to improve.

Agent 492 has requested a Workshop Judgement for his sequel thread, A Few Good Men. (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25615-A-Few-Good-Men-(Closed))

To relaunch the Writer's Workshop, and to encourage contributions, all contributors on this workshop will receive an additional 50 gold, and the best contributor double experience! It will remain open for feedback until midnight on the 27th of August.

[Morkotar]

First off... great job introducing a narrative hook. It's unusual and refreshing to see a story that starts completely outside the realm of Althanas, and you really delivered on the sci-fi style you chose. Writing any kind of large scale battle can be tricky, but I really liked the way you captured space combat. I never lost track of what the ships, fighters, or missiles were doing, and that takes some serious clarity. I also like how you slowly introduce the characters using thoughtful details here and there, so I got a better idea of who they are as the story unfolds. Even so, I might have liked a little more info on why the Arabesque was tracking the Prima Vista early on. That was really the only missing piece that kept the first four posts from clicking, for me.

Your dialogue and overall character work/action are great, but be careful how you put them together sometimes. Here's an example I pulled...


His voice trailed off, and he turned to walk towards the exit. The portal hissed open before him, and hissed closed as his heavy hobnailed boots, badly fitting for the roughshod gangplanks of the ageing ship, clattered against the grates. The image of fire and brimstone had left him without sleep for days. There had been hundreds of bystanders on the station when the Company opened fire.
Despite the run-on sentence, this little paragraph read well and gave me a very clear image of Duffy moving through the ship. However the jump from describing his boots to his harrowing memories caught me off guard, and I had to read back to fully understand. If you had connected the sound of his boots with the cacophony in his head or simply started a new paragraph with the new thought, it could have flowed better.

I want to draw special attention to post #7 (because that's where I'm stopping for the moment, and because it's fairly epic).

This post (I'm guessing) is instrumental in setting up the rest of the story, and you gave it every bit of that weight with excellent character work and dialogue. I did find it fairly light in details that could have helped the reader appreciate the backstory, however. I'll pull another quick example, probably the easiest way to explain what I mean.


“Virtus Cells, as it happens, for use in Raiaera vessels to undermine temporal distortions.”

John blinked again. He had expected contraband, or weapons, or something equally illegal and detrimental to Administrate efforts to reunite a splintered galaxy.
I have no idea what Virtus Cells are, and even if that's going to be key later on, you missed two opportunities to provide me with a little helpful information. There could have been a short aside right after "temporal distortions", or John could have mused briefly over something about them. Every time you have a line ending with a piece of dialogue, ask yourself if there's something you can tack on there to help the reader. There isn't always, and with most people it's a hole in their character work, but in your case it's the large, overarching story which I feel could use a little more explanation. I'm actually familiar with about 85% of the references you made to Althanas characters and events, which is probably more than the average reader would get, so you may need to turn up the juice on the thoughtful details just a bit, especially regarding backstory and lore.

Anyway, that's just my thoughts as I'm reading through. I'm really enjoying the story, so I'll definitely finish reading it soon and throw a few more ideas in here. Thanks for keeping Althanas interesting!

[Morkotar]

Really enjoying this as I keep reading, but got bogged down by some clusters of typos that spellchecks miss. The methods I use for trying to catch these types of errors are reading my posts aloud, and getting someone else to proofread. I like the light and efficient style of writing that you bring, but still think a few more details here and there could really take your stories to the next level.

For example, when Leopold picked up the dossier at the end of post 9, I had completely forgotten it was there. If one of the men had slammed a hand down on it or squared it to the desk's corners near the middle of the post, it would have stayed present in my mental picture.

I liked the concept behind the ending, but it came just a bit too abruptly. I think if there'd been a little more info on Sei earlier, maybe something from Duffy's perspective, having to ask him for help would have hit harder, and had more of a cliffhanger effect. As it was, I actually looked for the 'page 2' button because I was expecting another post.

But overall, bravo! I'm looking forward to the sequel.

[Max Dirks]

I don't have time to read the entire thread, so I picked post 5 (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25615-A-Few-Good-Men-(Closed)&p=209451&viewfull=1#post209451) at random and will provide you with some writing feedback.

The post started well. Short simple sentences conveyed the action nicely, but then you broke into your typical run-on sentence structure. Notice how many times you did this:


He turned, pressed the ignition button for the airlock doors, and put a foot on the bottom of the shuttle’s griddled ramp.
With a lurch, the shuttle came to life, and Leopold made a curt gesture of insult in the crack before the door closed.
He watched it levitate, move forward, and then turn.
Before he could catch his breath, the shockwave departed the hanger, and so too did the shuttle
In the ensuing silence, Duffy made his way through the engineering deck, and back towards the bridge.And that's just in one post!

Like I've said before, try to mix up your sentence structure a bit more. Also, try to only use "and" as a single conjunctive. If you do so, your writing will flow much better. This will help raise your score in the pace and technique categories of our rubric!

[Hysteria]

So confused is a good way to describe what I felt after that thread. I have the distinct feeling that if I knew more about the Company and Rayse that I would have been much better placed to understand what was going on, or at least get the references that I could see kept popping up. I know your intention was to reproduce ye olde althanas into althanas 20k, but it didn't make it easy for a third party to read.

Anyway, onto technique. First of all it was nearly completely dialogue driven, and you did a good job on what was said. The start was direct, bland even, which was a nice counter point to Duffy's dialogue. That said, it felt a bit dry. There were hints here and there of what things looked like, but mostly you wrote what was said and little else. In the first post where you mention a blonde fringe, my minds eyes suddenly threw in a streak of gold against the grey (albeit with flashing lights) background. In the last post you mention grease covered arms, again suddenly I had a flash of thin pale arms smeared with grease, the look of indigence of one with crossed arms, tinged with hopelessness. Most of the time though there was nothing.

I have to give you kudos on the sci-fi aspects. One of the hardest things about sci-fi is making the technology both futuristic but not implausible. So well done on throwing out the names of things and letting that float over the reader with a causality that allowed it not to slow down the flow of the story. On that note though, the crew of one ship heard explosions from another. That jarred me for a second. The only criticism perhaps would be explaining some of the more pivitol items, such as the hybrid jump and Virtus Cells. I have no idea why they would need to be smuggled. My first thought were that they were biological, but then the temporal distortion bit... I duno.

Last detailed point, IT'S SPACE! One of the things that defines the sci-fi genre is how it links space with desolation. It is cold. It is dark. There is no sound. There were so many possible references to classic sci-fi I could kick you. Everyone was so calm. 'Oh no a giant ship may blow up the ship and I will be sucked into the vacuum of space where my innards will be sucked out. I better hold onto this rail.' Where is the tension? Where is the gripping fear of the abyss? It was more like watching lawyers in a firm try and out politically maneuver themselves. Sure in itself that is good, but this is space. I would have written in space as another antagonist. Just as the best naval stories have the sea as a silent antagonist, so to does the void of space become one.

To summarise:
Pros: Good dialogue, good use of sci-fi tech, interesting web of a story
Cons: Required much outside knowledge to fully appreciate, a distinct lack of visual, or other sensory descriptions, not enough development of some of the characters.

[Sheex]

Hmmmm, sci-fi eh? Not gonna lie, not exactly my go-to genre for reading, but it's here ready to be read; t'would be a crime not to read it! I'll start what has become my standard intro with Writers' Workshop. I am not a professional writer by any means, nor have I ever published anything. I simply enjoy reading and writing, nothing more. Should you disagree with anything I say, by all means ignore it friend! Now, I'll insert my quarter and play this game!

Ehhhh. Had a Galaga flashback there. Sorry.

So, to start with, I just wanna touch on a few things that were said already. I won't dwell on them, but I think they do deserve a mention, as I strongly agree with them.

First off, I really suggest you explain your terms more. Lord knows it's cool to make stuff up (otherwise why would we be on this website?), and cool sounding made-up stuff is even better! But yeah, really oughta explain those things. Vitrus cells? Hubris Drive? Rucker? May as well be the Vorpal blade and Jaberwocky.

Okay, so that's over-exaggerating. Obviously the Hubris Drive is some sort of warp engine, and a Rucker I assume involves smuggling, but unless the Hubris Drive is based off arrogance, best to add in some explanation.

I won't go into detail about the typos, as that's been done. Just adding my voice in that it got hard to understand what was going on at times. I could be wrong, but I think the Hubris Drive in post 4 became the Hybrid Drive for the rest of the thread. Or was it suppose to always be the Hybrid Drive? Hell, now that I think about it, it is entirely possible that you were talking about two completely different warp space engine...thingies.

Clearing stuff like that up would help the reader a lot.

Now for a compliment! Your detailing? Wonderful! You vividly painted a picture of objects, and I can clearly see what you describe in my mind's eye. From the uniform of John, to the walkway of the Prima Vista; all were very well done. I would tell you to apply this detail to some other objects though. Walkways and medals are shiny, but damn it, what the hell did the Prima Vista actually look like? Anyone?

I would also like to say that the interactions between your characters were very well done. Whether it be John and Leopold talking, or Duffy's backstab (did not see that coming by the way), I enjoyed it all. Though, if I may go into something that is similar to explaining your terms, but remains different in my mind...

You throw in some big names. Well, big on Althanas anyhow. Even I know who Sei Orlouge is, and if you check my post count, you'll see it's hardly into the triple digits. I even know a little about Rayse Valentino. But really, what are they to me more than some names?

Even if these people can be instantly recollected by members of Althanas, I personally feel that (unless you're writing a sequel to a previous piece of work the reader is expected to read), you should not expect people to just "know" who your cast is. Add that to the fact that your Althanas isn't the "standard" fantasy-setting Althanas, and we have all the more reason to flush out these characters. Triple that reason if they're going to be making a future appearance.

Why shouldn't I take a Rucker from Rayse Valentino? Is he a scary guy? Is he gonna get me? What's he gonna do? Kill me? Burn me alive? Murder my family? Rape my daughter in front of me as his goon shatters my kneecaps with a sledge hammer?

Ah, got a little dark there, didn't it? Sorry, but I think I got my point across rather well. Change


"You took a Rucker from Rayse Valentino?"

to


"You took a Rucker from Rayse Valentino? The last guy who did that ended up in three different galaxies! Don't even get me started on what happened to the guy's family!"

and Leopold's predicament suddenly becomes way more serious.

Same with Sei. Why pray tell do we not want to talk to him? Didja cheat in a game of cards? Run over his pet? Make an inappropriate gesture at the absolutely worse possible moment? I guess part of the reason you did this was so you could set up a sequel, which is cool and all, but a teaser wouldn't have killed you.

Speaking of a teaser, you're ending was far too abrupt for me. I'm going to echo Morkotar here, and say I seriously thought I couldn't find the page 2 button.

Still, all that being said, you do spin a good yarn. You set up the pieces all very well for the next story. Amazingly well actually. John and Leopold's predicament, the Prima Vista being lost in the Delta quadrant (little Voyager reference there if I may...not that I was actually a fan of Voyager. The Next Generation all the way!), and the (slightly lacking) foreboding of Sei Orlouge. Whatever will they do? Tune in next tomorrow at 7:00pm/8:00 eastern time!

And now, I'm off to find a way to play Galaga! Huzzah!

[hoytti]

Notice: I'm blunt and I'm looking into into the interest aspect of the story. I will not be looking at mechanics unless it is crippling the catching part of the story.

I honestly felt like I was reading a Althanas version of the newer versions of Star Trek.


They come out of the equivalent of hyperspace
They are followed by the enemy
They run into an ally
Their ally helps fight off the enemy
The ally invites captain onto ship
Ally takes captain prisoner fore something he did a while ago
The ship is stolen by a fake crew member
The ship is lost in space
Captain wants to kill traitor but has to do it when traitor is put in jail cell with him
Then the "To Be Continued" sign appears on the screen and we have to wait for next time


It honestly was to familiar for me to read it like I read most stories. Most stories feel like a story in itself when I read it. However, your story just felt like the basic mechanics of a typical star traveling TV series. I'm not saying that is bad, it just wasn't cutting it for me. I need a twist in order to feel like I'm reading something new. I know that's hard in a star traveling story but I also know that there are ways to add that twist.

Interest scale (1:10) (Lowest:Highest): 6

I got interested at first but by post seven I was done reading and just skimmed the rest. I did like the little song you wrote in three which kept me going a little longer but really, I had lost interest by the time post seven came around, nothing interesting was happening, but maybe it is just me. Anyway, all I'm asking is for there to be a little more of a twist in the story so that I can become interested.

Other Suggestions:

Random Comic Relief: Throw in something funny that just so happens to happen at the time (Not my first choice :()
Diversify the Dialogues: I feel like it is all professional and there is no personality behind it. (A good story mechanic that I'm working on as well.)
Extend Fight: Bring in another enemy attack and draw out the battle. Or you could extend the current fight. The main attraction of most Sci-Fi Genre is the technology and the alien enemies.That's what you need to do! Describe the enemy, jump onto their bridge and describe them. It will go a long way in the long run.
Describe technology: As I've said before, technology is one of the main catcher of Sci-Fi and when you introduce a technology that isn't in our world. you need to give us most if not every detail about it. What is the Hubris Drive? Rucker? Hybrid Drive? I feel out of place since none of these were explained to me. I need to know these things and they are interest catching items.


These are just a few suggestions, whether you take them or not is up to you.

[Mordelain]

Thank you everyone for your commentary, advice, and discussion.

The workshop is now closed, pending judgement and rewards.

[Christoph]

Sorry about the wait! Moving is stressful. Anyway, let’s get you taken care of.


Plot: 17


First off... great job introducing a narrative hook. It's unusual and refreshing to see a story that starts completely outside the realm of Althanas, and you really delivered on the sci-fi style you chose.


I liked the concept behind the ending, but it came just a bit too abruptly. I think if there'd been a little more info on Sei earlier, maybe something from Duffy's perspective, having to ask him for help would have hit harder, and had more of a cliffhanger effect.


So confused is a good way to describe what I felt after that thread. I have the distinct feeling that if I knew more about the Company and Rayse that I would have been much better placed to understand what was going on, or at least get the references that I could see kept popping up.


It honestly was top familiar for me to read it like I read most stories. Most stories feel like a story in itself when I read it. However, your story just felt like the basic mechanics of a typical star traveling TV series.

Character: 18


First of all it was nearly completely dialogue driven, and you did a good job on what was said.


Everyone was so calm. 'Oh no a giant ship may blow up the ship and I will be sucked into the vacuum of space where my innards will be sucked out. I better hold onto this rail.' Where is the tension? Where is the gripping fear of the abyss? It was more like watching lawyers in a firm try and out politically maneuver themselves.

Prose: 18


Writing any kind of large scale battle can be tricky, but I really liked the way you captured space combat. I never lost track of what the ships, fighters, or missiles were doing, and that takes some serious clarity.


Really enjoying this as I keep reading, but got bogged down by some clusters of typos that spellchecks miss. … I like the light and efficient style of writing that you bring, but still think a few more details here and there could really take your stories to the next level.


Short simple sentences conveyed the action nicely, but then you broke into your typical run-on sentence structure.


Wildcard: 7 – Because SPACE.


Total Score: 60

Agent 492 receives...
EXP: 800
GP: 100

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.