Red Six Initiation: Hysteria vs Elthas_Belthasar

[Hysteria]

http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/242/2/0/red_six_by_harlequinhues-d6kesp7.gif

Howling wind moved through the giant canyon and rocked the wooden plank bridge under Talen. The youth was standing at one end of the bridge with his hand on the rope support. The scene of the Citadel battle was a huge gorge, stretching high above the rope bridge for what seemed like an eternity. Below a tiny blue line hinted that a mighty river flowed hundreds of miles below. Such a scene was only possible by the magic of the monks.

Despite the enormity of the scene, the canyon was not bereft of details. The rope bridge was one of many criss-crossing the divide. Talen had counted thirty in the immediate area before giving up. Some ran in parallel with the one Talen was on, others moving at angles. All of them ended with the sheer rock face of the canyon. A few came close to each other, but none joined. Before entering the Monk had told Talen that the bridges would follow the combatants. The youth had mulled this over in this head, but had yet to work out what it meant.

The boy, Talen, had requested a special arena for this battle. It wasn't a standard fight to the death. This was an initiation for a man he had come across before; Elthas. In their last fight Talen had taken a crossbow to the leg. Part of the youth yearned to show him his true power, to exact vengeance on being wronged. This though was business. The Red Six was seeking members, and Elthas was just the sort of person they were looking for.

The youth closed his eyes for a second. The roaring wind filled his ears, his mind cleared. His simple cloths, a black t-shirt and pants were not sufficient for this fight. Darkness spread down his arms and solidified into dark metallic gauntlets stretching from his shoulders down to claws at the tips of his fingers. The boy reached out the clawed hand into the air and more darkness burst from his palm to form his Damascus sword, Mr Stabby.

Talen's eyes opened, pale and cold. He waited for his opponent to arrive.


If we move to other bridges, ie down a level, a new rung of bridges will burst from the canyon wall, effectively making it impossible to fall from the bridge and not hit another one.

[Elthas_Belthasar]

The letter he received was an invitation. I knew he would return sooner or later... Elthas walked out on the same bridge that Talen stood on. There was a maze of various bridges all around him, and he grinned at the machinations of the arena. It was elegant, nature stood in all of her brutal beauty surrounding him. It was hot, but not uncomfortable. Elthas looked directly at Talen, the boy had the physical characters of a child but was more than that. Elthas wore a simple outfit for the battle. Standard adventurer's gear. Last time, he wore a suit. This time, he came more ready for battle. One thing that was notably missing was his crossbow. Deciding it was too heavy for a fierce battle against Talen. Instead, he would focus on his daggers.

The wind howled through the canyon. He wore a hat that was placed firmly on his head. The hat was a simple leather cap. He tipped his hat to Talen, he did not hate the kid. Rather, he respected what the kid was about: POWER. Elthas drew his daggers and assumed a basic combat stance.

"I got your invitation." Elthas said carefully. "Your request has been approved by my superiors." He continued. "Once I pass this test of yours, we will be comrades and can hopefully set our differences aside."

They battled before, it was a one sided battle but Elthas had learned a lot about what he was capable of. He intended to use similar tactics in the battle, simple and effective. He was able to tell by the look on Talen's face that the kid was deadly serious. So Elthas returned his own stone-cold expression. Narrowing his eyes, Elthas approached Talen and knew he was prepared. He rotated his daggers as he walked. Covering the distance between them as he ended up roughly a pace and a half away. Not wasting anytime, Elthas started the trial.

"No fancy words, no bullshit. Let's just get this over with." Elthas had recently become very business oriented, and had a serious demeanor most of the time. Talen was attempting to recruit him for a new Clan or something. "There are matters to take care of once this is done."

Elthas attacked. He took his forward dagger, in his right arm, and slashed in an attempt to catch Talen across the chest. Elthas knew that he would never KILL Talen, but he would at least attempt to defeat him. His weapon swing was skilled, he held his other dagger to keep his balance. The bridge started to rock as he moved against it. It was a little unsettling, but he focused on the task at hand: defeating Talen. The slash was a basic attack and meant to show Talen that he meant business. He wondered if his attack would connect, but doubted he would. If he was correct, Talen had grown stronger and he would have to be much more cautious than before...

[Hysteria]

“Comrades? I am looking for much more than that.” Talen white teeth shone as a huge smile spread across his face, “I am looking for a RIVAL! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Talen's knees bent. His eyes focused. His muscles tensed. The youth's left hand gripped the rope suspension tightly. Every fibre in his body was ready.

PUSH!

The youth launched himself into the air, pivoting around his hand anchored on the rope. Time seemed to slow. The attack from Elthas, more of a welcome than an attempt to kill, slid under the youth's outstretched body parallel with the bridge. Talen's foot found the top of the other rope suspension and kicked off. Like a perfectly built clock-hand the youth twisted his legs his body so he was upside-down. Not for a moment did his eyes leave Elthas's as he reached the pinnacle of his manoeuvre and started on his downward decent.

The youth broke his gaze and his pale eyes locked the bridge below. The boy brought around his legs with all the force he could muster and his feet smashed into the wooden planks sending a shock-wave into the bridge. The bridge rippled from the impact as waves of force travelled down its length. There was only a split second before the youth had recovered and still perched on the outside of the rope his right arm recoiled back and thrust his sword toward Elthas's chest.

The boy's side stung with pain as the delayed signal reached him. A slight miscalculation and Elthas's blade had nicked his side. The damage would have been worse if not for the youth's unnaturally tough skin, the pain only fulling the adrenaline coursing through his body.

[Elthas_Belthasar]

He kind of figured Talen would come there to show off.

He hasn't changed. He had power, there was no doubt, but the boy's power lacked a certain finesse. It lacked purpose. Maybe that's why he's making this Clan now? Elthas had a split second or two to react before the shockwave knocked him backwards. He was greatful that the bridge was at least somewhat solid, and more than capable of holding their weight. The wood of course, was of adequate quality. Elthas fell with a thud, having received some damage. His opponent's meager counter strike, would of course hit air. Elthas saw that he had cut Talen, albeit in a very minor fashion. He's stronger now...I'll have to be more cautious than before. Elthas thought to himself. Elthas ignored the boy's words speaking of a rivalry. No, before, Elthas had deemed Talen his enemy. Now, matters would be different.

"That was showing off, kid." Elthas did feel pain from the shockwave. "There's no need for that shit." Elthas rubbed his lower jaw for a moment as he felt a lot of pain there. He wiped to be certain there was no blood trickling there. Elthas managed to stand on the rocking bridge, getting his balance ever so carefully. He still held on to his daggers. He always held on to his most prized possessions. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the kid. "You've gotten pretty strong." Elthas said. "I'll give you props for that." Elthas finally felt a little more stable despite the rocking bridge. He controlled himself and took a few deep breaths. He looked at the quality of the blade that Talen held. Is it enchanted, is it imbued with poisons? There was no way to be certain, and Elthas did not feel like attempting to find out.

He decided just then to run towards Talen. Talen was a relative short distance away, and he was hoping that this second meeting would go starkly different. Once he closed the gap between them, Elthas attacked. You can do it Elthas, focus. He jumped towards Elthas with all the speed and agility he could muster, which was quite impressive. Not as impressive as that brat, but still impressive. In mid leap, Elthas kicked with his forward leg, attempting to strike the side of Talen's head. Then, in mid attack, he slashed downward with the opposite arm, keeping his other hand free. Free to counter if need be. It was a two-pronged attack, only possible because of his agility. He attempted to bring his dagger down on the top of Talen's upper portion. It would be a dangerous strike if it connected, Elthas was not screwing around.

"I'm coming for you!" Elthas yelled.

[Hysteria]

“Stronger.” Corrected Talen absently.

The youth had left himself with nowhere to go clutching as he was on the edge of the bridge. The sight of Elthas moving in for the blow slowly moved away. Talen released his grip and let his body fall backwards. The daggers flashed through the air where he had just been a moment before as the youth felt the air rush passed him.

The boy let his feet take his weight. They slipped onto the side of the wooden planks, but rather than slid off they stuck fast. Talen whipped around and twisted his body to step effortlessly on the underside of the bridge. The youth looked passed his feet through the thin gaps in the planks at Elthas on the other side.

“Much stronger!” Yelled Talen with prankster grin.

For Talen gravity no longer held the same sway as for others. Standing as he was upside down was of little effort, as easy as walking even. The boy knew when to press an advantage. The black shirt exploded outwards, thick black tentacles stretching into the air. Two latched onto the corners of the bridge and held Talen fast. Even with his ability if he unintentionally knocked himself off the bridge for more than a second or two normal gravity would take over. The remaining four tentacles lifted past Talen's head. The youth tried to anticipate Elthas's movements. The first tentacle rocked passed Talen and smashed through the wooden plank and stretched two metres further. The other three followed suit, striking and smashing through the planks to attempt to hit Elthas before recoiling.

The youth looked passed the chips and pieces of wood that fell past him. The dry, acrid sent of ancient wood filled his nose and the wind whipped passed. It was exhilarating.

[Elthas_Belthasar]

Elthas was quick, and had strong reflexes as well.

However, he knew that his opponent was much faster than he. Much stronger. He's got more surprises this time around...what the...!? Elthas thought to himself as he maneuvered in midair. He barely managed to land when his opponent worked quickly to take apart a large chunk of the bridge. Wooden debris and flanks flew everywhere, the tentacles smashing stuff in their wake. A piece of sharp wood struck Elthas on his side, he growled angrily at that. The wooden plank managed to bury itself quite deep in Elthas. Elthas knew that time was running out and his opponent was getting desperate to finish him off.

Seeing the tentacles lashing about, Elthas had no other choice. Wood was flying everywhere, and the tiny debris and dust from the wood was making it hard to see. Hard to focus. He narrowed his eyes and squinted in an attempt to spot Talen, but gave up. The tentacles had effectively distracted the bounty hunter from the task at hand. The bridge they were currently on was no longer safe. Elthas, grabbed the suspension rope and heaved himself over the side as carefully as he could manage. He jumped towards another of the bridges, somewhat below his previous position. When he landed, he felt like he was once more on stable grounds.

He looked down to examine the injury. Blood had coated his clothing where the shrapnel missile had hit him. He felt the pain swelling in his side, as he bled. Removing the plank would do no good, it would only worsen the injury. Blood trickled slightly down the side of his mouth, and he knew the truth of the situation: Talen had beaten him once again. However, as long as he could function, Elthas would fight. He leaned back against the rope of the intact bridge and attempted to spot Talen. He clung to the bridge that was still slightly above him. The bridge was shaking erratically in the wind, and Elthas had to use his heat vision to spot Talen's exact position.

Once that task was done, Elthas would wait until Talen came at him once more. Time was running out, and Elthas had to fight until he could no longer fight anymore. That was the key: no surrender. His eyes were narrowed and it was becoming hard to see, hard to focus. His side had gone numb, but he was bleeding profusely. He had to move around the wood piece now jutting out of his side. This is a big mess, but I can still fight. I can still hurt him... Elthas thought to himself as he waited for Talen to make the next move.

[Hysteria]

“Where is that confidence you had a second ago!?” shouted Talen, a glint in his eyes.

The tentacles withdrew back from the bridge and rested across Talen's back. The youth was still standing on what was left of the the underside of the bridge as he looked down at Elthas. The boy took a step and leapt off the underside of the bridge. Gravity reverted mid-leap and he twisted through the air and landed sailed down and landed with a thump on the same bridge as Elthas. The boy lifted is arms out in a V-shape, imitating the movement he had seen in the occasional gymnastic competitions that were held in Radsanath when a gymnast landed properly. A sharp pain in his side reminded him that he hadn't escape unharmed so far either. As Talen lowered his hands his face took a rare serious note.

“I want to make the Red Six something... something big.” said Talen calmly, “I want people to be in awe.”

“I want..” Talen paused, a smile creeping over his face, “Well I want a lot of things.”

The youth clicked is tongue, then snapped back to reality.

“Shall we make this a battle of endurance?”

Talen brought his sword up into the air and gripped the hit with two hands. His smile broadened as he looked from Elthas to the rope of the bridge. With a powerful cleave he cut through it and continued down to the rope holding the planks. The bridge convulsed with the change of tension, but Talen brought the sword around and sheered through the other rope supports to completely sever the bridge.

[Elthas_Belthasar]

The wind seemed to howl around him from all directions.

Elthas held on to the suspension rope, he was in a great deal of pain. He'd fought Talen before and knew from his past experience...he intended to kill. The bridge rocked with the wind. Elthas felt a tremendous amount of discomfort as the blood flowed freely from his injury. I am fading fast... Elthas thought to himself, but then growled. Get it together man, you knew what you signed up for beforehand! He thought to himself.

Finally, after a few moments passed, Talen yelled some gibberish taunts that didn't phase Elthas one way or the other. "You talk of leadership, yet do not act like a leader." Elthas growled back through his pain. He saw the move as it was happening, Talen intended to break the bridge. Instead of risking further injury, Elthas leaped over the side of the bridge and jumped down towards a bridge that was located beneath them. The previous bridge was easily severed since the rope was made out of a simple hemp material.

Debris and fragments of the bridge flew through the air causing Elthas to cough and his eyes to get watered up. He was very sensitive. The sudden sound of one half a bridge hitting the canyon wall filled the area. Elthas clutched the sides of his head because it was too loud and his ears were ever sensitive. He landed nonchalantly on the bridge below feeling it rocking underneath his weight. The elf knew the longer he stayed and fought, the less survivability he had. Elthas had no type of power to equivalently match Talen's own.

Elthas realized that in order for him to defeat Talen, he needed power. The sobering realization was that Elthas knew he was still far too weak to contend against the likes of the kid he was fighting. Talen seemed to continuously progress whereas Elthas's own growth suddenly felt quite stagnant. Elthas sighed. Once he steadied himself on the bridge, he looked up to try to find where Talen currently was. A few moments had passed, and he doubted that Talent would relent. Elthas held his daggers at the ready, but had already decided that there was only one path for him to take at that point. He's already beaten me...for the second time...

Elthas thought to himself and attempted to keep the facade of bravery and courage. But he knew the truth, Talen had already won.

[Hysteria]

Harmony...

Metal encased fingers gripped the sword hilt harder. Two blue eyes lifted, framed by ivory skin towards Elthas. A warrior, a fighter. Talen smiled, he liked Elthas. He liked someone that didn't give up. The youth felt himself hang in mid-air for a second as the bridge fell away from below him. One of the idle black tentacles on the boy's back shot out towards the canyon wall and latched onto the joint of the bridge and stone, and pulled.

Talen twisted as he shot through the air and landed feet first against the stone. The youth paused for a second in a horizontal crouched position as he harmonised with the wall. The boy straightened up, standing at a right angle with the side of the canyon. Idly he let the words of the mercenary resonate through his mind. Leader. In the rush to glory the boy hadn't thought much of how he would lead the group, or even if he was going to. The tentacles across Talen's back started to disintegrate, a trailing of darkness disappearing into the wind.

Talen's hair whipped to the side as a gust of wind moved down the canyon. The youth knew that he could cut the bridge again, he could even run across the canyon wall and cut many bridges and bring them crashing towards Elthas. Something stopped him, just as he dismissed the shadow tentacles, something made him engage the mercenary directly.

The youth took off at a sprint down the canyon wall to the bridge Elthas was on. The youth leapt off the stone and onto the bridge, pausing for a second as gravity returned to normal. The moment passed and he continued towards Elthas. The bridge rocked under foot, waves moving along the length with each step. Talen leapt into the air and sailed towards his opponent. His sword lifted high and glinted slightly in the light as he brought it down towards Elthas.

[Elthas_Belthasar]

(Minor bunnies bro, I THINK you were going for something like this though so let me know if my post is okay bro. I'll make edits if need be to clarify things further.)

The weight of the sturdy wood planks beneath him were a small comfort.

Elthas spotted Talen moving through the air with acrobatic skill. His eyes narrowed, he had a hard time keeping up with the boy's movement. He had to use the heat sight ability to keep his attention on Talen. Elthas gripped both of his daggers carefully. This is it... Even as Elthas spotted Talen's actions and moved to finish the bounty hunter off, the elf acted.

He moved against Talen's forward momentum, back stepping half a pace with his powerful legs. He would never retreat, or surrender, even in the face of a superior opponent. He spotted the glint of Talen's sword, and prepared his own masterwork weapons. Talen lashed out with an overhead strike, and Elthas reacted the best he could. He immediately raised both of his daggers up in an attempt to intercept the powerful blade.

A metallic ringing sound filled the canyon, and there was a momentary burst of sparks of light.

Elthas sensed heat all around him.

He held Talen at bay, with his injury for a few moments. It was all he needed. It was pure adrenalin that kept the elf alive, pure survival instinct. He knew he would not kill Talen despite his earlier attack. He was attempting to knock the boy out and just live to see another day.

He felt every single muscle tighten and tense up. Talen had grown much more powerful since the last time they met, and his grasp in with the collided blades was slipping. He didn't resist. He simply acted, he suddenly released his weight with one of the daggers underneath Talen's weapon and slashed in a semi-circular cutting movement towards Talen. Talen won the temporary grapple, and Elthas crumbled beneath the boy's attack. He saw the finishing attack come in, even as Elthas countered Talen.

It was only Elthas's controlled back step that had saved him from getting killed all together. Talen's sword came colliding down across Elthas's chest, cutting easily. The blade did not penetrate deep, but it cause blood to spill. Elthas continued to concentrate on the attack he had sent in the general direction of Talen's own body. He hoped to connect SOMETHING with that attack, otherwise time was up.

[Hysteria]

The ring of metal on metal, the heat of the moment. Talen saw his blade crash into Elthas's daggers. The youth pushed down eventually connecting and slicing across the Elf's chest. The victory was fake as the youth recoiled in pain. A line of blood spread down his chest, turning his shirt into slick of black ichor. The youth's eyes rolled around his head as the unfamiliar sensation of pain tore through his body. The dark stone of canyon walls, his opponent and the bridge all swayed dangerously. Talen fought the urge the bring his sword down on the rope bridge and send the pair plummeting. He had decided to fight properly, not retreat from the pain of a real fight.

The youth clutched an armoured hand on his chest. The dark metal did little to alleviate the pain, but the slight pressure was reassuring. Talen shifted his footing, sliding back slightly on the wooden bridge. The levelled his eyes at his opponent and fought back the cascade of self-doubt.

Talen's refocused on Elthas. His hand tightened around his sword hilt and his body tensed. Doing his best to ignore the pain Talen stepped towards Elthas and threw a wild slash just short of the Elf. The youth pushed forwards quickly and wrenched the sword back in the opposite direct. The youth's blade lifted up towards his opponent as Talen hoped to capture him of guard.

[Elthas_Belthasar]

Don't kill him... In a moment, the difference between men and monsters became apparent. Though villain, truth be told, Elthas had an honor code. He felt blood splash across his hand as he cut the boy skillfully with his weapon. It was almost a beautiful thing to watch, the blood danced through the air, cascading downwards towards the bridge. The idea of wanton bloodshed sickened Elthas at the same time as it egged him to move forward. I can't kill him...what do I do? What am I supposed to do? It wasn't his decision to make, once he entered The Citadel's fold. He saw that his attack had caused some sort of a change in his opponent. Talen is taking this serious...but I can't push myself anymore. The damned wood splinter is messing with my mobility...if only... Elthas snapped at that point.

He sheathed one of his daggers quickly, and proceeding to RIP the wood splinter right out of his own body. The injury was intensified and there were likely wooden fragments and chips buried in the cut. Blood flowed freely at that point from both the splinter, and Talen's recent attack. He then, THREW the splinter right at Talen. I don't know what I'm doing...I just know I can't kill him... In a panic, Elthas stepped backwards right as he threw the wood splinter. It was already bloodied with the blue Elven blood. The wood splinter was intercepted with Talen's sword and broke immediately apart. Elthas lost his balance, and fell backwards. By sheer coincidence, or perhaps, a little bit of luck. He hit the bridge hard and it shook a little more violently in protest than it should have.

Elthas felt cold and tired. Life blood was flowing out of his injuries, and he was still attempting to fight. Though he was no longer attempting to fight Talen. He was merely attempting to fight faint. The act was becoming more difficult with every passing moment, and he lay on his back. He reached out to the sky attempting to grasp something, anything. When suddenly his body gave in. There was too much blood loss and he felt very cold. He suddenly felt the distinct feeling of falling into a pit of despair, then darkness. And at last, the mighty bounty hunter passed out and stopped fighting. He fought until he couldn't fight any longer...bravery? Or perhaps something else.

Only time would tell.

[Hysteria]

Talen stumbled sideways and wrapped his arm around the rope suspension for support. His sword had cut nothing but air, the mercenary had stolen the final action from the shadow warrior. Talen couldn't help but smile, his face haggard from the exhaustion and tinged with pain. The first of his initiation battles had been, at least as far as the youth was concerned, a success. The pale blue eyes lifted from Elthas and out to the dozens of bridges forming a web around them. The shattered remains of the ones Talen had partially destroyed rattled against each other, gain forgotten wind charms.

The boy fell let himself fall backwards against the bridge and instantly regretted it as pain coursed through his body from the cut on his chest. A moment in stillness, the gentle wind of the canyon started to soften and finally fade. The magic of the Citadel parted, ending the battle. Technically Talen had won the physical contest, but it didn't much matter to him.

[Otto]

Red Six Initiation: Hysteria vs Elthas_Belthasar


Elthas:

Plot: 14/30


Storytelling: 5/10
Good to see an attempt to weave some backstory into the fight - their previous encounter, and Talen's recruitment. It just needed more (why does Elthas think Talen wants him? What were the circumstances of their previous run-in? And importantly, why does Elthas want to join?). Also, the ending was a little on the weak side.


Setting: 5/10
Didn't get a strong feeling of the setting from you, but you do get points for implementing it. You could give this section a bit more life by describing the colours and textures, the smell of rock dust and rope, the dizzying effect of the height, how sounds bounced lazily back and forth between the canyon walls, how the thin strip of sky ahead mirrored the twining snake of river below. Stuff like that.


Pacing: 4/10
The flow of writing was bogged down by some unnecessary repetition and a touch of waffle. If you want tense, fast-paced action (which is usually good for a Citadel battle), some serious editing may be needed to cut off the dead weight.


Character: 15/30


Communication: 5/10
Though there wasn't a huge amount of dialogue to draw on here, I think you did an acceptable job of making it credible for a Citadel bout, and having it fit Elthas' character.


Action: 6/10
Fairly well written, pretty clear, and no powergaming. It could have been a little more concise at some critical points - there's no need to explain exactly how Elthas is performing an attack, and that level of detail can bog it down a bit.


Persona: 4/10
Elthas is a bag of contradictions. He considers Talen to 'lack finesse', although really, Talen's profile sheet indicates he is faster and more agile than Elthas. Then he reckons Talen is getting 'desperate', although no such thing is apparent from Hysteria's writing. Then Elthas claims that Talen is speaking of leadership in another thread, when there doesn't appear to be any mention (explicit or otherwise) of such a thing. I might have believed that this is simply Elthas' pride making him see and hear what he wants to, but at the same time, Elthas readily admits to himself that he's been outmatched - no so prideful there. And last, although Elthas tells himself that he must fight to the end, he effectively just lays down and dies at the end. It's hard to tell if he's lying to himself, or if you're just not being true to the character.


Prose: 15/30


Mechanics: 5/10
Your writing seems to have improved somewhat here (I've come straight from the Terrentius Estate). Some lingering issues I found here are (with examples):
Fragmented sentences; "One thing that was notably missing was his crossbow. Deciding it was too heavy for a fierce battle against Talen." This should be just one sentence, not two (post 2).
Redundancy: no need to say 'power' twice in the same sentence, as you have in post 4.
Some disjointed writing; "A piece of sharp wood struck Elthas on his side, he growled angrily at that". The clauses work better if they are conjoined with an 'and' as well ('A piece of sharp wood struck Elthas on his side, and he growled angrily at that') or the comma is replaced by a semicolon, perhaps (post 6).
Word choice: there is a bit of a difference between 'altogether' and "all together" (post 10).


Clarity: 6/10
Not much of an issue with clarity here. Oddly enough, one thing that negatively impacted on clarity was the detail you put into some of your attacks - it can be hard to keep every little detail in one's head, so quick and simple usually suffices.


Technique: 4/10
Very little in the way of literary device here. You had some options here, I believe, to put this fight in the larger context of where it's taking Elthas (and what has brought him here). For example, you might have split up the hectic battle with flashbacks or allusions to events leading to Elthas' recruitment into the Red Six, his previous fight with Talen, etc.


Wildcard: 5/10
All in all, a good effort for a stand-up Citadel fight, and it's great to see your writing improve, but you did miss out on a few opportunities to do better. -1 point for a couple of slightly tardy replies (outside the 48 hour window).

Total: 49/100



Hysteria:

Plot: 17/30


Storytelling: 4/10
Very little told of Talen's motives, and why he chose Elthas (why him, specifically). Talen's part of the story reads much more like the usual Citadel fight, rather than a test/assessment.


Setting: 6/10
Well-described, and well-utilised.


Pacing: 7/10
The action flowed quite well - fast, but not rushed.


Character: 19/30


Communication: 6/10
Some telling dialogue here, particularly, his declaration of 'wants'. Also avoided rambling monologues, so it fit with the pacing. Not sure about the "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”, but that might just be me being subjective (found it quite amusing).


Action: 7/10
Interesting variety of action, with Talen adapting to the situation well; moved beyond the typical hack'n'slash. More than that, you provided an effective display of his mannerisms . Good stuff.


Persona: 6/10
Talen comes across as someone who isn't too clear about even his own motives, and that seems to be what you intended.


Prose: 18/30


Mechanics: 7/10
Pretty easy on the eye, asides from a few frequent sorts of errors. Examples:
Missing commas; required after 'introductory phrases' ('Below, a tiny blue line...', post 1; 'Like a perfectly built clock-hand, the youth twisted his legs his body so he was upside-down', post 3; 'For Talen, gravity no longer...', post 5, etc.). Also could have used commas at a few more conjunctions to fix some clumsy run-on sentences.
Fairly regular typos: fuelling misspelt, and possessive form of proper noun ('Talen's') required (post 3); incorrect participles "passed" used instead of 'past' (post 5); 'hilt' and 'sheared' misspelled (post 7); "capture him of guard" written in post 11.
Some awkward sentence structure, as well: ""Stronger.” Corrected Talen absently."; works better as one sentence (post 5); "Gravity reverted mid-leap and he twisted through the air and landed sailed down and landed with a thump on the same bridge as Elthas" - could also do with cleaning up (post 7).


Clarity: 7/10
There were very few issues with clarity, with most stemming from slightly muddled sentence structure and frantic action scenes.


Technique: 4/10
Sadly lacking, here. Adding in a bit more style can be a good way to add some panache to a stock-standard battle thread.


Wildcard: 5/10
Good writing, wasn't bogged down, fitted the type of thread well. -1 for a tardy post (3 day delay).

Total: 59/100



Hysteria wins, and receives 2100 experience and 125 gold.

Elthas_Belthasar receives 600 experience and 90 gold.

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.