Red Six Initiation: Hysteria vs BEGoS

[Hysteria]

http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/242/2/0/red_six_by_harlequinhues-d6kesp7.gif

The streets bustled with people. It was loud, dirty and slightly smelly. The monks had done a fantastic job of recreating the busy Radasanth marketplace. Talen was standing in the middle of the road as dozens of fake people, images given physical form, passed him as they went about their business. Talen lashed out at one, cracking is fist in the side of the man's head. He stumbled a few paces and collapsed. The people around him merely stepped around is fallen figure. The dark warrior smiled, he knew that the fakes were going to play an interesting role in the fight.

The arena had been designed by the Monks of the Citadel, but Talen had specified the requirements. For this particular battle he was fighting an archer. The youth had high hopes, so had selected a setting perfect for a ranged sneak attack. The marketplace was a good hundred metres wide, surrounded by large buildings dotted with windows. Stalls filled the area filled with various wares, tarps dragged across the stalls provided some cover, though fairly insubstantial.

Talen glanced at he pale blue sky, his blue eyes sparkled. Despite his general dislike for sunlight, he had to admit it was a nice day. A shallow breeze moved through the stalls kicking up some dust but taking the edge off the heat. Talen pulled his black hood over his head and returned his eyes to buildings on the outskirts of the square. The youth was in his adult form, tall, lean and with messy black hair. His cloak was marked with a red six symbol above his heart. His only weapon was his sword slung at his belt.

The youth took a breath and focused. With that he started walking through the crowd looking for his target.

[BlueEvilGhostofSeaside]

People walked around the market area doing their own business. Dawn was immediately distracted looking around for opportunities to nab people's money. Then she remembered that all these people were "fake". She sighed and recalled why she was here. I'm joining the Red Six! I shall prove that I can in this 'test'! I'm a bounty hunter; I can do anything. the dark elf smirked. She already had hatched an idea on how to get the person she would be fighting. She knew that he had the Red Six symbol above his chest. This market place was a large circle encircled with small stands and tents where many things were being sold- including some rather precious jewelry. No! Stop thinking of the valuables and remain focused on your task! She scolded herself for getting distracted with the thought of riches again.

Dawn sneaked between two of the stands within the circle of market places and grabbed a wood latter. She placed it against the wall of a short, wood hut. She climbed up to the oak roof and slid into position. She was hidden in the back of the triangle shaped roof. There was a large nail that was sticking out of one of the sturdy planks that gave her something to shift her feet on. Dawn would be barely noticed because mos of her was hidden behind the back of the stand's roof. Her head was high enough up that she could see the crowd of people at the market place; and she could pull herself up to where she could use her bow from her hiding place as well. Dawn laughed, once again, the idea of nabbing money once again came to her head. She loved money. So much that it was a drug, she was obsessed with gold and silver and bronze. Oh, why did they have to choose a market area where the concept of money could distract her so?

Dawn sighed and pulled her bow and arrow out. She pulled the arrow into place and pulled it back. She anxiously searched for a man with the Red Six symbol on his shirt. Her keen elvish eyes rapidly moved from person to person. This crowd was a nuisance, she had the find her opponent before he found her! Then her plan would be ruined! ... Then she barely spotted him! An adult who was very well built, tall and lean; lean and mean. His hair was very messy though. Dawn spat and aimed right for his chest, below the symbol of the very team she was joining. He was facing towards her, but was scanning the crowd instead of the rooftops. A crooked smirk spread across the child's mouth. Some test this is... "I've got you, sucker." And she let the arrow go.

[Hysteria]

Talen's eyes lazily skimmed the crowd, occasionally lifting up and scanning above the stalls. The youth sighed as he realised that he might have put himself at too much of a disadvantage. He reminded himself that he wasn't here to win, rather to test the recruit. The bitter taste the thought left in his mouth was hard to swallow.

Everything going through his mind subsided as a flash caught his attention. The youth didn't think, didn't breath, barely a beat of his heart registered as his legs involuntarily collapsed below him and he dropped to the ground. The arrow flicked through the air where he had been a moment ago and stuck the chest of one of people in the crowd. The fake market goer gave a weak moan and collapsed.

“Holy shit-balls that was close.” Talen looked around from his crouched position but couldn't see anything through the wall of people.

All around the fakes continued their mundane tasks, their forms pushing passed the crouched figure. Talen fought against a rising feeling of claustrophobia surrounded by figures towering over his crouched form. The smell of dirt and grime from the street pushed itself against Talen, threatening to make the youth relive a past life on the streets that he had long since tried to forget.

Fuck it..

Talen knew that he would not be able to see the archer, his only hope was to run in the direction of the arrow and hope for the best. The youth kicked into motion, a sort of hurried walk as he weaved in and out of the crowd towards the direction of the attack. He kept his movement hard to predict, weaving and ducking to keep as low as he could. The crowd were again a mixed blessing, acting both as a protective wall and an obstacle. A frustrated warrior, Talen lashed out at a few as he passed, dropping a shoulder into one especially slow person here and there and knocking them to the ground.

[BlueEvilGhostofSeaside]

Darn! Dawn scowled. Another person had walked right in front of her target only a second before the arrow had made it. I guess I'll have to try again... Once I find out where that twerp is.

Dawn scanned the crowd of people anxiously; the Red Six's man would have been able to tell where the arrow had come from, so she was in danger now of being exposed of her hiding place. Panic briefly rose in the young huntress's chest. She reached in her pocket and let her hand squirm in some money. That calmed her down again. She then moved into a position to jump down from her perch, knowing there was a very good chance her opponent would be able to find her at any second up there. She placed her bow away and jumped down. She immediately drew one of her steel katanas and slipped across the shadows of the market places. Not the best way to go about, but she had to find another place to hide herself. Her movements were quick, she hide behind a tent or stand for a moment then ran as fast as she could to another. After going over this procedure about ten times she found herself in the back of another stand. There wasn't a latter near by for her to climb onto the roof for, but the stand was small enough for her to simply jump on top of. The dark elf smirked, placed her katana in its sheath, and jumped up to the- ... side of the wall. She fell back onto the ground, brown dust came up and made her cough. Dawn covered her mouth and spit any dirt she had in her mouth out.

Dawn's eyes widened again, she made have made a really move. In anger, the she-elf rose and took her blades out, slashing at a tree near by, "Shrew it!!" Then she realized her mistake. "Oh... Crap. I did not just do that..." Her whispered. Yelling like that would only draw attention... including the attention of her prey- well, most likely her predator now.

[Hysteria]

Talen reached a line of stalls and paused. The shot had come from the direction he had run, but he had no idea how far. The youth ducked down against the side of the stall and looked around. It was slightly surreal surrounded by people who paid no attention to you, not even the looks of disdain he normally received.

“Shrew it!”

The curse hit Talen with the force of a hammer. He twist his head frantically trying to work out where it came from. More words, this time much softer, barely audible. Talen was off, throwing caution to the wind he charged through the crowd and knocked people aside as he did. The youth skidded to a halt as he saw the woman lying in the ground. His pace slowed, more controlled, more dignified.

“I can't really comment on self-control.” said Talen, with a contrived smile. He didn't want to engage in open combat, he was testing her ability to assassinate, not to openly fight. “I was lucky to not be hit by your first shot. I'll tell you what, lets make this more interesting.”

The youth lifted his face to the sky.

“Oi! Monks! Lets go with the King Scenario!”

Talen held out his hand and helped the woman to her feet. All around the pair people froze on the spot. Some of them started to change, slowly their figures morphed into armoured men and woman, emblazoned with the yellow crown.

“Royal guards.” Said Talen looking around, “About a fifth of the people have been turned into guards, maybe around fifty of them. We're near the south side of the market place. On the north side there is the king with more guards, out for some impromptu shopping as it were. We need to kill him, but these guards will stop us. What's more, if we cause a scene the people will flee, leaving us open for the guards. This time its a race. First one to kill the king wins. No rules. Questions? Or shall we start?”

[BlueEvilGhostofSeaside]

Dawn could only stair in confusion for a moment. What guards? Wait... What?! Then the words clicked. They were on the same team- well, sort of- now and in a contest to kill the king without being caught. "Oh..." She grabbed her bow out and made sure she would be able to reflex her arm to swipe to an arrow if she needed. She was light on her legs, her dark blood. The man already left and she was alone. She quickly looked to the shop next to them, it was a clothing shop. Right on the rack just off of it was a dark blue cloak. She reached her bow out and caught it, then carefully dashed away while she caught it and flung the cloth over her. She pulled the hood up and hid herself under her cape, then innocently walked into the crowd, careful not to catch any attention as she hurriedly hurried in the direction of the king.

[Hysteria]

Talen smiled to himself as he made his way slowly through the crowd. He would have passed the girl if she had tried to knife him there and then, but he had to admire her determination. As Talen got closer to the King guards became more and more apparent. The youth maintained his solemn demeanour as he moved. He paused for a second next to a stall and bent down to examine a piece of cloth. He lifted his head back up and his face had altered. His back hair was a sandy blond, his pale skin now touched with sun kissed brown. The change flowed down onto his face, his cloak faded until it was a pale white, although the Red Six still sat proudly upon it. With a smug smile Talen continued.

The King was pretty easy to spot. The guards had fanned out and were keeping everyone several metres from the King. Some guards were further into the crowd that Talen had expected and were traveling in a circular search pattern. The youth was impressed as he squeezed out of the main crush of people and stepped up onto a chair to get a good view. Idly he snatched an apple off the table and took a bite. It tasted surprisingly good, sweet, with a slight acidic after-taste. He had to give it to the Monks, they knew their stuff.

From his vantage point Talen waited and watched. He knew roughly which direction Dawn would approach, but not much else. He kept one eye on the king just in case he missed her.

[BlueEvilGhostofSeaside]

Dawn slipped through the crowd trying her best to be scarce. She kept herself hidden under her cloak. When A guard took notice of the shadow of the huntress she silently an arrow out pulled him under her cloak, her hand cupped on his mouth as she slit his throat. She pulled him into an ally and laid the dead man on the ground. Thanks to her stealth, nobody took notice of her silent murder. She knew though that a missing guard would provoke a better defense system- she knew the time was now.

From the corner of the building, she took her already bloody arrow and put into place. She could swear the king was right in front of her. The shot would have been very easy if it weren't for the overload of guards swarming around him. Dawn sighed and carefully aimed. She could have stayed there forever, but she was being pressured given she wasn't in the best hiding place ever! However, she stayed where she was and even with the butterflies in her stomach she took her time. Finally, she thought the time was right and let go of the arrow.

To her surprise, the arrow barely made it past the guards and made a direct coarse to the king's head! There was no way she would miss this!- ... Was there?

[Hysteria]

The king turned to the side, his attention caught by something in one of stalls. The arrow glanced off his crown with a ring and spark of metal on metal. The crown fell to the ground, and so did the king. The reactions were instantaneous. The guards jumped around the king and formed a human shield. More ran towards the direction of the arrow as screams lifted from the crowd and people fled. It took only seconds before the market square had lost half of its people, and those remaining were soon to follow.

What will you do now?

Talen smiled to himself. He had seen the arrow moments before it had struck the king. In normal circumstances the king would be dead, but this wasn't normal. Talen jumped down from the chair and started to walked calmly towards the king. He was picked out almost instantly. The moment he passed a stall filled with cured meat he was spotted. A man walking calmly through a panicked crowd was one way to get seen. A knight charged towards him. The man's armour rattles and sung as he thundered forwards. The youth stepped to the side as the sword came down and lashed out with his own weapon. In this case it was a long dried sausage from the meat store. The salami knocked the knight off his feet and his hit the ground hard. Talen brought his foot down on the man's head. There was a resounding crack as his skull hit the ground.

[BlueEvilGhostofSeaside]

OOC:
My reaction was: "NOOOO! SO FLIPPING CLOOOOSE!!!"
DAWN: "Well you left a space open for that arrow to somehow miss or something...
ME: "Shut up, Dawn.."
DAWN: "Just make sure I get to the king before that Talen guy does, missy."
ME: "Hey! I created you, and I have the rights to kill you too!"
DAWN: "Uh... ... ... Try it then!"
ME: "Some other time... Now, let's get back to the thread."

While some guards had created an even tighter defense around the king, some other had ran into the restless crowd to attack one, calm, man...

What the heck! You evil, little... Dawn cursed the youth and jumped down from her post, she was going to do this the hard way and nobody would stop her, because she was now ticked! She put her bow away as she casually walked up to the guards, "Hello, I believe you are looking for me." She was close enough, so she slipped into one of their minds and was instantly able to find out everything, including their defense plans. It had been ten split seconds and moments after two laid their hand on her shoulders, she drew her twin katanas and slaughtered them all... In five split seconds. She smirked and walked up to the king, who was unscathed and was just getting up. "Sorry, but I have to kill you now." Dawn smirked.

She wasted no time in cutting the king's head off. Blood shot from his neck and his fat head rolled onto the floor. Dawn laughed as she thought, Fifteen seconds, not bad at all... Only a split second later did another figure step in front of her.

[Hysteria]

A guard lifted a sword and charged towards Talen. The youth didn't bother to defend himself. The scene around himself and Dawn started to slow. The guard, face twisted in anger moved in slow motion and finally froze in place. The youth walked towards Dawn, his body slowly changing back into the pale faced and black haired man that she had first met. Talen couldn't suppress his laughter as he stopped a few metres from her.

“Well done I guess. I'm not sure how you would have gotten away, but no matter.” Said Talen as he shot her a grin. “Well, you'll be pleased to know you passed.”

Talen threw the salami away absently.

“Just remember that you life isn't normally a pass or fail.”

Teh youth held up has hand to stop Dawn from speaking. He reached into his cloak and rummaged around. With a look of success he produced a Red Six patch and held it out to for her to take.

“Welcome aboard.”

[Amber Eyes]

Thread Title: Red Six Initiation Hysteria vs BEGoS (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25842-Red-Six-Initiation-Hysteria-vs-BEGoS)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: BlueEvilGhostoftheSeaside vs Hysteria



Plot: 11 --- 15

Story- 4/10---5/10
The story was simple, and overall well written. Both of you a good job of letting me know why the story was taking place but neither of you made it very exciting. Blue Ghost the abrupt ending hurt you here

Setting- 5/10---5/10
Comments

Blue Ghost- While you made an effort to describe what the place looked like you missed some opportunities to bring the setting to life. When Dawn had a mouthful of dust, what did it taste like? Did she hold the stands for stability as she ran past them? Try to describe touch, taste, smell, sound just as clearly as you do sight.

Hysteria, you did a good job here, though as with BG you should try to include more senses in your writing.

Pacing- 2/10---5/10
Comments

Blue Ghost- So many other categories can hurt your pacing. Your mechanics forced me to re-read at times, which slowed the thread, but not to the point where it completely lost the flow. Your biggest issue in the area was your last post. You built up to this moment where you were within reach of the king, and then in three sentences it was over.

Hysteria, there were no significant issues here, the mechanics slowed it down, but it was mostly an easy read.




Character: 13 --- 16

Communication- 4/10---5/10
Comments

Blue Ghost- The thread had very little dialogue, but you did a good job of using inner thought to give us insight into Dawn’s thoughts. At times, when you place thoughts in between two other sentences it can become confusing. I typically put thoughts at the beginning or end of a paragraph or in a paragraph by themselves just for emphasis. This is more of a stylistic choice though, so I didn’t count off for it.


Hysteria, the dialogue was sparse, but Talen’s thoughts were clear.


Action-4/10---5/10
Comments

Blue Ghost- Dawn’s actions were spelled out clearly for the most part, but try to use them to further her personality. Perhaps she bites her lip when she pulls her bow or makes a face when she misses. Consider how often you actually stand completely still, for most of us it isn’t often. We fiddle with our hands, pout our lips, shuffle our feet. People are self trained to pick up these queues in conversation to know how the other person is feeling. When they are used in writing you end up feeling as though you’ve been there. Try to implement this and your scores will go up. Also, as I noted with the stand and tent part of the thread, there were time when I couldn’t quite understand exactly where Dawn was in the environment, always reread and see if what you meant to say came across just right.


Hysteria, Your actions were clear and Talen was involved with the environment. Some further explanation of the salami’s appearance would have helped here, but other than that I had no issues understanding what was going on.


Persona- 5/10---6/10
Comments

Blue Ghost- Your character is well thought out and easy to understand for the most part. At times Dawn’s thinking is a bit confusing, and while I understand that she is meant to be easily distracted, try to delve deeper into that. She is here to test for her Red Six initiation, how does that make her feel? When Talen changes the rules, does she have a moment of frustration? Give me more of her emotions as the story unfolds and this score will increase dramatically.

Talen is as always well written, his personality is always well played, but he kind of got lost in the shuffle. Try to give a bit more of what he feels as he goes through the experience. Does he see potential in Ashla? Perhaps he sees a weakness that concerns him? Just don’t lose the character in the movements.




Prose: 12 --- 16

Mechanics- 4/10---6/10
Comments

Blue Ghost- You have several places where you used words incorrectly. One good example is your usage of latter instead of ladder in post 2. You also uses ellipses quite often, and while this can be an effective tool, it should be used sparingly. I noticed you are trying to use dashes instead, and again, they need to be used sparingly. Run on sentences are also present, which is an area I struggle in a lot, so I understand how easy it is to do, just keep a close eye when proofreading. You have made huge improvements since some of the earlier stuff I’ve read, so great job, and keep working at it.


Hysteria- Most of your issues were simple typos. Especially in your last post, there were several instances where you just didn’t proofread. Teh instead of The, has instead of his. I know you are fully capable of proofreading so I won’t harp on here, but just keep it in mind. The beginning of the thread was much cleaner than the end.


Clarity- 4/10---5/10
Comments

Blue Ghost- There were no major issues here, but there were times when I had to re-read. Mechanics were part of this, but also keep an eye on action scenes. When you had Dawn moving behind the tents and stands, then jump upon a stand, it became very confusing to follow along.


Hysteria - I had very little trouble following Talen’s movements, but the random sausage appearance after he attacked threw me off, I had to go back to make sure I hadn’t missed him picking it up somewhere before.

Technique- 4/10---5/10
Comments

Blue Ghost- What technique was used was done well. Find other ways to eliminate those ellipses and this will go up as well. Try new things to increase this score.


Hysteria- You did well here, nothing notable, but what was used was clear.



Wildcard: 8 --- 5

Comments

Blue Ghost- You have consistently improved and I really enjoy watching you grow as a writer. Keep going and I’ll eagerly keep reading.


Hysteria- I know you are an excellent writer, and these initiation quests can get tiring. Toward the end of the thread your quality tapered off. Don’t lose momentum, some of us really enjoy reading your stuff.




Final Score: 44---51

Hysteria (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?2481-Hysteria) Wins!:


2500 EXP!
62 GP!

Congratulations!


BlueEvilGhostofSeaside (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16208-BlueEvilGhostofSeaside) Receives:


750EXP!
22 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & Gold Added!

Hysteria Levels to Level 10!

CONGRATULATIONS!