The road she never traveled.

[Amber Eyes]

I have lived a full and happy life.

That is what I hope my tombstone will say. I hope my eulogy is full of stories of my love and devotion, of my younger years spent trying to save the world. I hope those who are left behind remember me with a tear of sadness in one eye and a tear of joy in the other.

I hope that everyone who remembers me is full of lies.

I don’t want to be remembered for what I’ve become, the utter mess of all the potential I was given. The only living child of Niche Orlouge, oldest and strongest of the mystic brothers. The niece of the Hero of Radasanth himself. Spoon fed magical ability from the moment she was born.

I was a force to be reckoned with.

Yes, the Orlouge girl, the one with the beautiful smile and the charming giggle. What a delight she is a parties, performing firework shows as the guests of the castle whistle and applaud. Watch her and Anita run through the gardens, stomping the azaleas for the third time this week. There she is, offering her lunch to the homeless boy on the streets. Isn’t her dress pretty? Have you seen the size of her room? What I wouldn’t give to have all that she does? The best trainers. A family full of powerful allies. Sisters who follow so close behind the hem of your gown that they are constantly hidden in your shadows?

That Kyla, she is a force to be reckoned with.

I have little understanding of how I became what I am, a twisted version of my own destiny. I believe at one time I was normal, though that seems like something any crazy person would believe about themselves. Perhaps we all walk through the world believe things that aren’t true. Would you honestly tell someone who is insane that they are? No, no one tells you this. You walk through life blissfully unaware of the destruction you leave in your wake.

You are a force to be reckoned with.

Then one day everything changed. Actually, I don’t really believe that, I see now that it was always inside of me. Even as I performed at parties, the darkness is what made my light shine so brightly. When I wore those dresses, it was to hide the ugliness I sensed inside. Each time I helped others, I was trying to justify all the terrible thoughts that filled my nightmares. From the very day I was born, suckling on the tit of a woman I will never know, fate was creating a web that would circle me. Each day it became tighter and tighter until I had no choice but to destroy it all or suffocate.

The reckoning must begin.

[Amber Eyes]

I awoke shortly after sunrise, still replaying a nightmare that seemed seared into my brain. Every night it came, and every morning I fought for it to leave me. I rolled quickly from bed, checking that Akiv lay on his cot peacefully. He had moved in here last week, after another one of my bad days. I knelt down and kissed his forehead, moving his golden curls just enough to graze his skin. He was always warm, like a tiny burst of sunshine.

My hand shook slightly as I withdrew it, and even though I knew only I would know I brushed it through my hair to hide that already I was cracking. I stood, my sore muscles ensuring I would remember yesterday’s training for days to come. I leaned back, listening for the tell-tale pop that brought relief to my spine, before making my way into the closet. I stared at the rows of dresses, shirts, and pants, dozens of colors and fabrics, laid out before me.

I stood for a moment remembering the first time I’d seen this space. Sei had held my hand and led me into the room, a giddy smile covering his face as he opened the curtain and stepped aside so I could enter. It had been filled with the finest fabrics, hand-picked by personal shoppers as far away as Raeira. I stood helpless, my arms and legs refusing to move, my mind refusing to comprehend the amount of time and effort, and of course money that went into such a gift. I had glanced at my uncle, who waited with that Cheshire grin, and burst into tears. I ran as far as I could go, to the castle gardens and hid behind the Rosebushes. Even now, I find the luxury unsettling.

I arrived at Ixian Castle a thief in stolen rags.

Even after all these years, I’m just a thief in borrowed finery.

[Amber Eyes]

I am far from the first awake in Ixian Castle. The hustle and bustle of life in an army never fully stops and hits full force long before the first beams of sunlight reach our world. This time of morning though, few roam the halls. Those on duty have been at their posts long enough that they are already eager for their relief, and those who are not are happily eating in the mess hall or heading into Radasanth for the day. I am alone as I make my way down the marble staircase that leads to the back entrance to the keep.

I have walked this path a thousand times, no one would second guess my presence. I can't seem to shake the feeling of paranoia that fills my mind, each step closer to the armory door seems to turn the volume of my heart higher and higher until it must be like an alarm calling all soldiers to my location. The key is cold in my hands, like a warning. The lock sticks for a seemingly eternal moment before turning, surely it is the gods telling me to turn back, start the day again. I glance over my shoulders, knowing full well just how crazy this all is.

I lock the door behind me with a click, holding my breath and listening for the footsteps that I am sure are coming.

-
-
-
-
-

Nothing.

I take a deep breath and turn to the room, setting my shoulder bag on a bench and begin to look around. Akiv's pistol lies upon a table, perfectly polished and ready for the day he is old enough for it. I had planned to give him it fully once he'd completed his arms training at age twelve. Till then it would remain locked away or in my possession unless he was supervised. Plans change.

I toss the item into the bag before surveying the room. I take a few odds and ends, an extra hunting knife, sleep packs for two, three bags of gold coins. It should easily last us half a year, by that point.. well...I'll figure something out. I finger through the bag once more, going over a mental lists of needs. Finally satisfied I fasten the clasp and leave the room, my key still in the lock. I shouldn't ever need it again.

[Akiv Orlouge]

I awoke with a single thought. "She's gone" I could feel her missing before my eyes ever opened. She never woke this early unless something was wrong. I should have known, nothing had been right with her for weeks. I hadn't intended to share the thought, but Sei hears most everything I think. I'm learning to keep him out, but honestly I have few secrets to hide and I don't practice as much as he would like. He isn't talking to me now, but I can make out what he feels, each stressful word adds to my anxiety. I can read my grandpa like no one else, and he seems to have the same gift with me. He loves to tell me that even when I was an infant he knew my every want, a connection that my mom has always been jealous of.

I throw on yesterday's clothes, brushing off a few wrinkles is faster than sorting through my closet, and rush from the room. I am halfway down the front steps when grandpa finally gets back to me. "She's left the castle". I collapse where I stand, tears that I will never let fall burning in my eyes. It isn't supposed to be like this. I shouldn't spend my life chasing her around, counting the fake smiles that lead to the breakdowns. I am so tired of my life revolving around her moods. I just wish she would stay gone this time.

I stand, pausing just long enough to allow a second-year soldier to pass. He is covered in mud from head to toe, probably training with Uncle Steppenwolf by the creek. I had planned on being there until three days ago when I noticed that look in mom's eyes. He eyed me carefully, looking away just before meeting my eyes, something I've grown accustomed to in my life. No one wants to look at the person who suffers in plain sight.

I make my way back into our quarters, unsure what my next step should be. She could be gone for days, weeks, once or twice she's disappeared for months at a time. Each time I begin to live on my own, Grandpa Sei pulls me just a little closer, but each time the moment she returns my life is reset and I pretend it never happened. I sit down on her bed and close my eyes, cursing the gods that made her the way she is, that gave me to her, that chose this life for us. When I finally open them again I notice a note by my bed. The writing is a nearly illegible scrawl that I know in an instant. All other thoughts leave my mind as I pick it up and replay the one word over and over again in my head.

Tomb.

[Amber Eyes]

The smell of dust seems to seep into my every pore as I breath deeply, savoring the familiar scent as my lips pull to a smile. Within minutes my skin felt sticky to the touch, the underground humidity clinging to my clothes, the cool air disappearing as the day matures. The entire Ixian Army once lived in the tombs, long before the Corone war insisted our numbers double. It seems a lifetime ago, a life filled with mistakes and broken promises. I know full well I've never been a good mother, I know exactly where I've done wrong. Everywhere.

I sit on the dusty stone, worn in places from being stepped on, both of us. I run my fingers across its ridges, feeling instead all the jagged pieces inside of me. All those little wires that never quite meet up. The signals I send that never quite reach their destination. The choices I make that always end wrong. I remember back on all the times I got lost in these halls, the first time I've ever felt loved, the first time I've ever felt useless.

I spent my own childhood lost and alone, praying for the day when I would be loved for more than my abilities. To be loved for who I was. The thing no one tells you about finding your dreams is that more often than not you are wrong about them. Sei and his family have taken me in, loved me like I have been here forever. Now I dream of the day I can be useful, because they love a part of me I don't know anymore. No one ever told me that once someone loves you for who you are, you can cease to be that person.

I lay down, pressing my face to the cool stone and considering falling asleep. I could die here, in the place where I first and last felt I belonged. I hear soft footsteps echoing around me and my heart mimics their sound.

Akiv has come!

[Akiv Orlouge]

I have been in the tombs before. Grandpa Sei has shown me the old living quarters and kitchen, the way the family lived before the army came along. He often tells me stories about my mom back in those days. My favorite is the story of her and a half-demon visiting the zoo. I think I would have liked her back then. I once asked him what made her change, he never answered me, just gave me a smile and told me that my mom had her own demons. The hurt I saw in his eyes was enough to ensure I'll never ask again.

I enter the dusty crypt, wiping my nose with my arm as my allergies begin to react. My eyes start to water but if I'm honest they were doing that before the dust found me. I can hear my feet hitting stone below me, something I always found fun when in the tombs. The torches on the walls danced, filling the room with shadows that gave the walls life. I plan to join in the cleaning effort later this year, ensuring these areas are safe to live in if there is ever a need to move underground. I remember thinking when they told us the plan that perhaps the castle itself was the reason for mom's bad days. Perhaps down here we could start anew, she and I building the life we always wanted.

Those are childish thoughts though, and as soon as I see her I am reminded why I can't afford to be a child anymore. She lies prone across the floor, he limbs twisted awkwardly. A cool rage fills my bones, why does the part of her I hate so much have to be connected to the part I love? It can't be vanquished without destroying all of her. The part of me I hate thinks perhaps that would be the best option.

[Amber Eyes]

I pull myself from the stone, somewhat embarrassed by my state during his approach. Anita and I would lay here, keeping cool in the summer heat and dreaming of the days when we would have it all. Fame, glory, families of our own. When I am down here I feel as though I live the days of my life side by side and with enough effort I could reach through and touch the Kyla Orlouge from years ago. The one who smiled so effortlessly, who fell in love so easily; the one who was whole.

I reach out and pull Akiv close, "You came." I whisper the words, doing my best to hide the sadness that fills me when I notice his reluctance at my touch. His muscles tense and I release him, forcing my lips into a half-heated smile. "I wanted to show you something."

He nodded, his eyes shifting with the firelight, never quite meeting mine. I want to stop, pull him close, apologize for every time I'd failed him. To tell him I'd always love him, but no one ever taught me how to show it. I want more than anything to be the woman he needs me to be, and yet I fear she walks alongside me, in a different time when things were still simple. Instead I simply grab his arm and take a step, pulling him into the shadows. The cold surrounds both of us and he instinctively presses closer to me, for once I am able to offer him something.

[Akiv Orlouge]

As the shadows overtook us I pulled closer to her, goose bumps springing to attention on my arms. I have never quite gotten used to shadow stepping, it always leave me disoriented and drained. Grandpa tells me that if I choose to take the shadow trials I will learn to gain power from the darkness instead of weakness, but I haven't yet decided if I want to follow in her footsteps. She pulls me close and I can smell her hair, a mix of flowers and honey. I remember crawling into her bed and being held close, her comforting arms surrounding me. I pull away, I'd rather deal with the cold than the memories.

It is amazing how quickly you can go from place to place through the shadows, no walls to block your path. We step into the sunlight in an old district in town, the buildings are mostly rubble. I can see the bell tower from here, my only clue to where we are. I kick at a loose brick in the road, noting just how out of place it seems along all the perfectly lined stones. I use my foot to press it back into its hole, sometimes we all need a little help fitting into the mold we are given.

Mom begins to walk, her eyes set upon a small home halfway up the street. I can feel the dark magic from here, something terrible happened inside. "Mom, I think..." I let the words trail off, she hadn't turned to look at me anyway. My curiosity is strong than my fear and I quickly run to catch up. As we reach the door I notice the overgrown vines, taking the house as their own. It is obvious the place is abandoned, and as soon as she opens the door I know why. The smell of soot hits me hard, and I pull my shirt up to cover my nose too late. The taste of coals hits my throat and no matter how many times I swallow I cannot clear it out.

Mom seems lost, staring at each little part of the room, as though attempting to piece together just how it all came to this. I stand in the doorway, unsure of my place in all this and reluctant to interfere. She steps slowly towards the center of the room, her hands shaking. I am about to call out to her, I can tell whatever she is reliving is too much for her to take. I want to tell her to stop, that whatever she wants to show me doesn't matter. I don't care about anything but her. I want to say these things. Instead, I bite my tongue as always, diverting my eyes and hoping for the best. I find a crack in the wall and follow it with my eyes, giving her as much privacy as I can. I see her pick up a book and turn a few pages before she looks back to me. "This is where you come from Akiv."

[Amber Eyes]

I fight to pull myself from the memories surrounding me. That night so long ago when it all began. This is the room that changed me forever, that brought that dark side we all have to the surface. It started that battle I fight each day, but it gave me him. I don't know how to explain it to him, but I owe him the truth. How can I explain that the same spell that ruined everything gave me the only hope I've ever had? I take off my jacket and lay it on the dusty couch before sitting down on the other side. He hesitates but follows, sitting on the jacket with a space between us. I run my fingers across the diary in my hands, noticing how the warm leather is beginning to crack. It was pristine all those years ago. Taking the power from this book has allowed it to age like the rest of us and I smile for just a moment, knowing that I'm not the only thing that began to break that night.

I hand the book to Akiv, who takes it with questioning eyes and turns a few pages. I inhale deeply, unsure of the words I should say next. He is reading the ramblings of a madman, one who sought the destruction of his own race. He is reading the words of his father.

I have debated time and time again how to tell him this story, and nothing seems appropriate. He has no part in all this horror and yet his very existence is tied to it. I exhale, closing my eyes and forcing the words from my mouth.

"I think its time you knew a bit more about yourself." I speak slowly, my heart tugging with each word. "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life Akiv, but you are certainly not one of them. That book is yours, it belonged to your father."

His eyes jerked from the book to me, it wasn't a word I'd ever let myself say to him. I spent the first several years of his life denying that he had a father at all. The truth is half of him belongs to me, but there is a piece of him that I will never understand, and perhaps through this book he may just be able to.

[Akiv Orlouge]

I feel exposed, knowing she's watching as I read the words. The pages crinkle as I turn them, full of sketches and spells that I don't understand. I hold the tomb gently in my hands, something my teachers have tried to convince me to do with books from the library my whole life. For once I understand when they say that books hold great value. This one holds half of who I am. I tear my eyes away, desperate to go someplace quiet and be alone with my father's legacy. No one has shared him with me all these years, I want this all to myself.

I close the book, my heart aching as I do and look into her eyes. She is watching me closely, her face is tense as though she is debating holding me or allowing me my space. I answer for her by standing up and taking a few steps toward the door. She follows for a moment before speaking. "Do you mind if I look around for a moment?"

I nod, opening the worn door and stepping into the sunlight of mid-day Radasanth. Outside I lean against the wall covered in vines and flowers and once again open the book. I hungrily search the pages, looking for something that might tie this stranger to me. A love for hunting or a fascination with military strategy. I don't let myself think that those come from Steppenwolf and Grandpa Sei, though in my heart those connections are clear. Most of the words are about spells and the shadow trials. I've learned of them of course, I'm expected to choose my own powers in just a few years. I've been training for the trials since I could walk, it is a constant source of argument throughout the mystic population. I am the last of my kind, and everyone hopes that I will chose their side. I have always believed that my mother was the first mystic to complete both the shadow and light trials, but this book tells me that this isn't true. She may have been the first to survive it, but my father was the first to try.

[Amber Eyes]

I watch him leave the small home and look around me. The faded yellow curtains and sunken padded chairs have changed little through the years. The room is dusty but otherwise untouched, I can't help but go back to that time. If I had been a little smarter, a little less full of myself, a little less drunk. If I hadn't trusted so easily, taken flattery so hungrily. If I had been the person I am today none of it would have happened. How strange that all I want now is the be that stupid girl once more.

I remember their faces, just two strangers in a bar. They were friendly but not forward, not catching that was my first mistake. I allowed them to work their way through my weak defenses, worm their way into my fragile psyche. In hours I was in this very room, desperate to help them achieve their goals. That was the first time I heard the name. Jamel Leonte.

He was a mystic from a strong bloodline, his family were icons in the mystic villages. He was the eldest brother and everyone looked to him to be the future of our race. He was a man whose whole life spread before him, wealth and power at his fingertips. He wasn't satisfied with what he had before him though, and all he could think about was more. He began to obsess over controlling both light and shadow magic, something no one could survive. No one that is until I came along.

The villages soon began to run rampant with rumors. The Leonte boy was crazy, he planned to destroy the mystic race. His parents pulled him from school and kept him hidden away in hopes that their reputation would survive. Jamel spent years studying spells, desperate that should his goal of controlling both magics end his life he would take the rest of the mystic population with ihm. He completed the shadow trials at nineteen, and at twenty he entered the light trials. He died before completing the trial and his goal died with him.

That is until his baby brother heard of me, the one who achieved what Jamel had dreamed of, the only person who could finish his brothers work. I look around me once more and wipe a tear from my eye before allowing the light inside me to escape, forming a bright white orb in the center of the room. I don't even look back as I leave the room, but I know the shadow tendrils are suffocating the light, forcing it into a tiny ball that will soon fight for its rightful place. I grab Akiv's arm and disappear before I hear the earsplitting boom.

[Akiv Orlouge]

It seems only seconds go by before I feel a tug on my arm and am surrounded by darkness. I instinctively pull away and for a moment panic fills me that I might be lost in the shadow world. Only when her hand finds mine again does my heart calm. I hold my father's book close to my chest as though I can connect to him through its pages. I know he is long dead but he is more alive to me than I ever thought possible. I am holding the only proof other than myself that I have found of his existence. I will give my life before I let it leave my possession.

I walk alongside her, for once allowing my own two feet to carry me through. I feel her stiffen slightly as she realizes that I'm not huddling close, but she doesn't let go of my hand. I take this as a good sign. Perhaps we both need to learn to carry ourselves.

When we emerge from the darkness we are in the courtyard of Ixian castle. I soak in the beauty of this place, my home. The constant in this crazy journey. I can see the window to my room just above the top of the wisteria vines. I can almost smell the way they waft through the air with the morning breeze. Some might find the giant towers intimidating but I've never known anything else. I don't even realize I've drifted away in my own mind until I hear mom clear her throat. I turned to face her, unsure of how to thank her for today. I see a clarity in her eyes that is so rare these days and I can't help but smile.

[Amber Eyes]

I watch him disappear in thought and for a moment I grow concerned. I've spent many years watching his mind work, desperate to catch any sign that my problems have been passed on. I follow his eyes to the window and smile, he is simply enjoying the view. I let out the breathe I hadn't realized I was holding and clear my throat loudly. He turns, giving me a genuine smile and I kneel on the ground, motioning for him to come closer. He takes slow steps and I can't help myself, I allow a small laugh to escape. He seems nervous that I may have lost it again, but once my hand goes to my saddlebag his face quickly turns to excitement.

I pull out a small brown paper package, tied up in blue string. I balance it on my hand as he reaches me, staring up at him and realizing just how tall he has gotten. He towers above me, his attempt to hid his smile failing and I hold the gift out to him. He takes it carefully, still holding the leather-bound book tightly in his other arm. I hold out my hand to take it and he stares at it and then me several times before I give him a nod of promise. I have no intention of taking it from him. He finally decides that he trusts me enough, and places the journal in my hands, then tears into the paper. As soon as the silver shines in the sunlight he screams out in satisfaction. He holds the polished weapon with both hands, growing accustomed to its weight once more.

It isn't the first time I've seen him hold the pistol, it has been pulled out for training several times in the last few years, but this time is different. It seems to be at home in his grip, its handle seems to fit neatly in his fingers. For the first time it seems the gun knows it is his. I smile, watching him beam with pride, knowing his favorite weapon will no longer be locked away in a vault. It is now his and his alone.

Suddenly he stops. I see him place the weapon in the empty holster he's worn for years, just in case he might get to use the gun that day. He turns to me and rushes forward, pulling me close and squeezing tight. I feel tears well up in my eyes and quickly press my hands into them to hold it back. He pulls back just enough to look me in the eye and I say the words I've been holding in all day.

"Akiv, I'm leaving tonight."

His smile fades. He looks exhausted. I grab both of his hands, feeling his warmth. "I'd like you to come with me."

[Akiv Orlouge]

It catches me off guard and I know too late that I've made a face. Her features weaken and her shoulders slump. She holds tight to my hands, as though she already know that I will pull away. I stammer something impossible for even I to understand and then close my mouth tight. How can I tell her that I can't go?

"I have school." It's a stupid excuse, I know it. As soon as the words leave my mouth I wish I could take them back.

She jumps at the opportunity just as I knew she would. "We can work on your schooling, visit all the famous libraries. Why study history from a book when you can visit the place yourself? We can go anywhere Akiv!"

I take my hands from hers, still unsure that my words will accomplish what they need to. "Mom, I can't go with you."

"Yes you can baby, we can see the world and make our own memories. We can be a family, just us two." Her voice is weak, not quite begging but close enough to put guilt in my belly.

I know there isn't an easy way out of this, I'm not going to end this without hurting her. "I have a family here." My voice is shaking, and I know she isn't getting it yet.

"I know that baby, I know. I just hoped..."

"I'm not going!" I nearly shout the words, "You've gone off living your life all these years, and I've waited every time for you to come home! Now you think I'll just go off on an adventure with you and leave behind everyone who was here for me? You want me to leave grandpa..." I loose my nerve, my voice fading.

"I'm not asking you to leave him forever Akiv..." She follows suit, even she knows that the only way she can finish that sentence is with a lie.

There is an awkward pause where neither of us know what to say. I just want to disappear. When I finally speak my voice is an emotionless whisper. "If you're asking me to choose between you and the knights....I choose them. My family."

I turn my back on her, and just as I open to door to Ixian castle I hear her whisper back. "Happy Birthday sweetheart."

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: The Road She Never Travelled (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26116-The-road-she-never-traveled)
Judgement Type: Condensed Judgement
Participants: Amber Eyes, Akiv Orlouge

Plot ~ 17/30

Story ~ 7/10 – The rise and subsequent fall of Kyla Orlouge is an evocative and interesting tale. You have encapsulated everything about a mother/son dynamic needed to make a tragedy like this believable. Lacing the thread with past regression and references to the things that lead you here, as far as the reader is concerned, will only add strength to a strong foundation.

Setting ~ 4/10 – Internal dialogue, and the first person perspective, are inherently lacking in setting. Your score here, then, reflected the naturalistic way in which writing style can affect presentation. Though you sacrificed setting to attempt this technique, it in turn leant strengths in other areas. I would err to caution in attempting to rectify this by throwing in mandatory ‘I noticed the colour of the leaves’ descriptions. You do not need to detract from your strengths here to accommodate the rubric.

Pacing ~ 6/10 – A fiery, feisty conversation between parent and child is done with brevity, wit, and attention to detail. Because of that, every action feels naturally reacted to, and no part of the thread trailed off, dragged, or felt forced because of this. That said, the thread felt like a snippet of a grander scene, and to improve upon pacing, do not be afraid to crescendo into this, and pester out in places to keep us on our toes.

Character ~ 22/30

Communication ~ 8/10 – An outstanding form from you, in portraying not only emotions such as frustration and despair, but in the current state of the family. Little inflections bordering on childhood tantrum and disappointment peppered the dialogue, short of giving characters a voice in terms of accent, dialect, and colloquial speech, communication is your greatest strength, and I commend you for the gripping way in which you put your characters thoughts across.

Action ~ 5/10 – Action need not to be violence. Sieges, swords, and sorcery are not what this category is encompassing. Though this is a domestic piece, you can draw on movement to augment this score, and give the characters dynamism in a scene. They move quickly, dance, and twitch in ways that can sometimes instil a sense of desperation and pace that more obvious fight scenes fail to accomplish. Do not be afraid to have Akiv throw things, Kyla slam tables, and doors crash shut as they burn ablaze in each other’s anger.

Persona ~ 7/10 – Deep, intuitive, and brooding. Your grasp of your characters is strong, though repetition of similar feelings and overuse of the ‘heroic notion’ and ‘sense of loss’ became, at times, overbearingly repetitive. I appreciate you were exploring this theme and its effect on Akiv, but once stated, you do not need to refer to it in such obvious terms throughout the remainder of your story. The reader should see the signs, and then recognise them through what she does and says, without having to reinforce it constantly.

Prose ~ 20/30

Mechanics ~ 7/10 – Strong, well proofed, but utilising modern inflections and incorrect grammar structure. That said, ‘incorrect’ simply mean ‘Standard American English’. If you give the reader justification for the way, in which your writing flows, mechanics become not meaningless, but more rules than law. You have clearly shown care for your writing and ensured you have eliminated mistakes were necessary. Excellent effort.

Clarity~ 6/10 – One small detractor was the shift from Akiv to Kyla. When a writer utilises two accounts, the payoff in writing differently for each character can be either good, or bad. In this instance, it jarred, leaving a bewildered sense between posts that, although did not affect pacing, took several posts to ‘click with’. I was uncertain of Akiv’s emotions, in reference to past events, which connects with the above comment about setting a little exposition of the history of Kyla at the outset. Then, there is no mistakes made later on, as the thread develops.

Technique ~ 6/10 – Evocative and well-executed use of the 1st person, and the format (diary-esque), allowed for interesting communication and character development. Beyond that, however, the thread did not use advanced literary techniques, and resorted to modernisms and contractions in lee of established, genre appropriate tools. Do not be afraid now you have all but mastered the tense/perspective, to attempt approach that is a little more experimental.

Wildcard: 7/10 – Having read your work since your inception, I can safely say it is a pleasure to indulge in, has developed well with time, and continues to grow in strength. What you are doing with Kyla is not an easy thing for any writer to do. We are seeing a slow, undulating descent into failure and madness written poignantly and with care. I can only pray the pay-off is fulfilling not to the reader, but to you – this is very much an extension of yourself, and it is a pleasure to be a part of the audience watching this sorry tale. Well done!

Total: 65


Amber Eyes receives 1150 experience and 200 gold.

Akiv Orlouge receives 667 experience and 100 gold.

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.