A New Dawn (Closed)

[Zarkin]

Players: Dannaluth, Zarkin

Zarkin awoke from his long slumber. He hadn't had a good night's sleep like that in almost a week. Getting out of bed and stretching Zarkin put on his assassin's clothing and walked out of his door. Upon opening the door he ran right into the face of a strange man. The man was also dressed as an assassin from Zarkin's perspective and wondered what that man wanted.

"Sorry sir, but if you wish to speak with me, come back later. I am off on a very important 'job' if you will" Zarkin said as he went to walk around the man, but just before he passed the man pressed a firm hand on Zarkin's chest stopping him dead in his tracks.

"I challenge you" the man said.

"Challenge me? To what, a race? A fight? Elaborate" Zarkin said, his face becoming stern as he stared at the man with a hateful glare. "And I will not accept unless your name is of my awareness" Zarkin said grabbing the man's arm and forcefully removing it from his chest.

"Dannaluth. And you are Zarkin, I am very much aware of who you are" Dannaluth said.

"I accept this challenge, but tell me what the challenge is"

"I challenge you to a fight, a duel if you will. In Salvar. You meet me in Salvar and we fight, hope you are ready for a great opponent" was all Dannaluth said before making his exit. Possibly already heading out to Salvar.

Crazy bastard. Making a stupid decision like this will surely get him killed Zarkin thought as he watched Dannaluth walk away mysteriously. After the man was far enough to where Zarkin could no longer see him he decided to pack everything in a leather bound bag and head towards Salvar. This would be a long journey, hopefully he wouldn't be tired upon arrival and would be in fight mode.

[Dannaluth]

As Dannaluth walked away from Zarkin, he thought to himself. He thought about his strategy. Of his family, who he left behind. But, most of all, he thought of Zarkin. He thought of the euphoria he would achieve in killing that bastard. That sick, sick bastard. His eyes shut as he savored the feeling, taking in all of the dopamine his brain had released. He snapped out of his daze and continued to walk. He thought about his awaiting battle with Zarkin. He then realized he needed to focus on getting to Salvar. He started a slow-paced jog to get his muscles warm. He was ready.

[Zarkin]

Zarkin was quick to pack his belongings.

Throwing Knives: Check. Bow: Check. Arrows: Check. Extra clothes: Check. Zarkin made a mental note of everything he added to the bag. Once everything was packed and he was ready he walked to one of his cabinets and pulled out some food. Also packing food and money along for the trip Zarkin quickly ate a small roll and was out of the door.

Slinging the bag around his back Zarkin hopped into the trees so no one would see him, swinging through the trees he thought of how this battle would turn out. There were endless possibilities, he could end up killed. He could end up killing which sent a surge of adrenaline through his veins, and other outcomes. He mostly just envisioned himself winning but also took in the fact that he knew nothing of this Dannaluth. He is usually informed of his targets by the employer, now he was on a blind fight.

After about half an hour of swinging from tree to tree Zarkin dropped down onto the road. He took in a huge breath of air regaining his state of relaxation. This didn't last long as he heard a sound behind him about four yards away. He turned to see Dannaluth jogging around the corner.

"Oh dear god. This fool again" Zarkin said as he spoke his camouflage charm and blended in with the road ahead of him. He slowly walked unnoticed into the trees and watched the competition run past him. Letting out a sigh of relief Zarkin stepped out onto the road and walked on. Best to save his energy now and let that fool waste it all trying to get there.

[Dannaluth]

Dannaluth jogged past the tree studded curve in the road. There was a small shudder of foliage in his background and his senses were soon focused on tracking the noise. He slowed to a walk and focused on his surroundings. He heard nothing more, so he continued on his way, slowly chewing on a roll he pulled out of his leather bag. He took out a map and studied his path to Salvar.
He conducted a route and decided to take a shortcut through the forest. he climbed a large willow and started swinging. His swings were fast and calculated. Dannaluth always planned his moves and words before he said them, a virtue taught to him by Monk Z'hria.
As he was swinging, he heard another noise to his left. He knew something was amiss, so heclimbed down from the oak he had just swung to. Looking around, he saw movement in the foliage. Zarkin. Great. Another encouter with this imbecile. Dannaluth's heart slowed, as did his breathing. He mustn't compromise his position. He must stay still, and perfectly still at that.
As Zarkin passed, Dannaluth breathed a shallow sigh of relief. Time to go. I have to beat Zarkin to Salvar. I have to find good position. I must kill him. I must win.

[Zarkin]

Zarkin didn't notice Dannaluth as he dropped from the oak, Zarkin continued walking along the path. He slowly walked in a big arc around the next corner to prevent being hit in case Dannaluth were to try to take him out before reaching the destination. A smart tactic indeed but it allowed the opponent to have the upper hand with another weapon. Zarkin saw no danger a proceeded on.

Before coming to a small trail branching off in two directions Zarkin pulled a knife out of his bag, took fourteen paces from the tree separating the trails, and threw it directly into a small bug crawling up into the tree. Satisfied with his precision Zarkin retrieved the knife, placed it back into his bag and went back another fourteen paces. Upon doing so he pulled the bow off from around his torso. Inspecting the string to make sure it was taught Zarkin notched an arrow onto the string. Drawing back he shot perfectly to where the knife had landed moments before. Loading another arrow to the bow Zarkin fired and split the first arrow. It was easy for Zarkin to craft a new arrow.

Retrieving the arrows Zarkin placed the split one into his bag, the other back in his quiver. Satisfied once more with his accuracy and precision Zarkin took the path to the left leading towards Salvar. Although he was days from reaching Salvar Zarkin walked and walked until the daylight faded and darkness soon claimed it's spot for the next twelve hours.

Hiding a good thirty feet into the trees from the road Zarkin built himself a small fire from what twigs and sticks lie around. Easily starting the fire with survival skills he learned from the school during his childhood Zarkin was engulfed by the warmth of the fire. He pulled out a small piece of meat and cooked it. Before eating Zarkin checked to make sure the meat was made perfectly. Seeing that it was he ate away at the meat until it was gone. I'll have to either hunt for food or buy some. Either way it'll be a need if I am to win Zarkin thought in his mind as he put out the fire and slept on the ground, warm inside his cloak Zarkin passed out shortly and dreams flooded his mind.

Zarkin soon awoke to the sound of a gentle breeze swaying the trees and foliage around him. Zarkin lay there on the ground listening to the forgiving sound of nature. He loved waking up to mornings like this. Soon forcing himself to get up and continue on Zarkin packed up and headed out back onto the trail. No clue on where Dannaluth was Zarkin thought over his battle strategy once he got there. This would be a battle he would never forget.

[Dannaluth]

As Dannaluth swung farther into the forest, he consulted his map again. At this pace, I should beat that fool Zarkin by a whole day. Ha! I will have the upper hand in this. I will win. He looked at the sun and saw it was nearing dusk, and decided to stop for the night.

Dannluth climbed down a large cherry at around nine o'clock, his judgement dependent on the position of the sun. As he dropped, he pulled the large piece of canvas out of his bag and set up his tent. He then gathered a few dead branches and started a small fire, not wanting to make a lot of smoke and thus compromising his position. If he compromised his position, only God knows what the crazy Zarkin would do. Better fuel my body He thought as he roasted a sausage over his little blaze.

He awoke in the morning to the sound of rustling undergrowth. His eyes snapped open and he notched an arrow in his longbow. Time to hunt. A wild boar came running through the bush towards him and he shot once. He got the pig spot on in the right hind leg. The boar squealed and tripped over a root, causing it to fall. I havent had boar in a while.. Time for a good meal Dannaluth thought to himself, as he shot the boar in the heart.

He dressed the boar and put a preserving charm on the meat, to keep it from spoiling during his journey. After hsi little hunt, Dannaluth arose and walked towards Salvar. One more day until my battle with Zarkin. I must be ready. He took a practice shot with his bow. The arrow whizzed into the tree and he heard a thump. As he went to investigate and retrieve his arrow, a squirrel feel out of the tree, arrow through it's head. If only Zarkin were here. To see his future Dannaluth thought maliciously, as he continued to walk towards Salvar, the site of the largest battle of his life.

[Zarkin]

Noon soon came as Zarkin warmed up his legs and strode out onto the road. Feeling great and filled with extra energy, Zarkin jogged down the path coming to another bend in the trail. He did his cautious large swing around to check the corner, and upon looking he saw Dannaluth. He was retrieving an arrow from a tree which was embedded into a squirrel. Not a bad shot I see Zarkin said to himself.

If Zarkin wanted the upper hand he had to devitalize his opponent, there was only a days trip left before the battle. Pulling out his bow and loading an arrow Zarkin chose his shot carefully, aiming for the right knee of Dannaluth he shot. The arrow sailed passed Dannaluth and hit the ground inches away from his foot.

"Dammit!" Zarkin cursed under his breath activating his camouflage charm. Standing there he watched Dannaluth, he seemed not to notice until he stepped on the arrow breaking off the steel arrow head. "Don't you dare pick that up you bastard" Zarkin said as he watched his opponent. His attempt at winning was stripped away from him by a careless shot.

[Dannaluth]

Dannaluth's eyes opened as he heard the whir of an arrow coming towards him. He sidestepped and the arrow bit the dust. Zarkin is near. Only a man such as he has such a good shot. He stepped on the arrow, breaking off the steel tip. He picked up the tip, hopefully to make new arrows for himself.

He studied the arrowhead as he walked. High quality steel. Definetely the work of Zarkin. He put the arrowhead in the bag and was on his way.

He walked until about 4 o'clock, which was when he finally broke free of the forests' dark grip. He saw the great, plant-free circle of grass, and knew he was at his destination. He smiled. I'm here. Finally. Now just to prepare and wait for Zarkin to get his fool ass here. He set up camp about thirty yards from the circle and began to craft arrows.

He went through his inventory. Bow: Check. Arrows: Twelve. Good enough. Throwing knives: Check. Vial of poison for the arrowheads: Check. Now I just have to get mentally tough. Be mentally ready. No fear. No fear. NO FEAR.

[Zarkin]

Seeing Dannaluth take the arrow head really pissed Zarkin off. You bastard! Stealing my work and using it as your own? Oh you have made a big mistake sir Zarkin thought to himself. After sitting there looking at the spot of which he had missed a perfect shot he realized he needed to calm down. This was definately not the time to get angry over an arrowhead. He spoke the charm of his camouflage and became visible to the human eye once more. If only I had my own familiar this wouldn't be so hard for me. Then I would get some extra help in this. I must pose a contridiction before the fight starts Zarkin spoke to himself. He realized that Dannaluth now had the upper hand in this fight. Instead of them using their weapons, this would be a hand-to-hand combat.

Zarkin moved on thinking out all of the posibilites of what to do with this fight. Surely if he reached Salvar and Dannaluth immediately shot, Zarkin would have no choice but to fight with weapons. This had to happen that Zarkin would win. He surely had the strength and the skill, but what he didn't know was if Dannaluth had the better hand-to-hand combat skills. That's what was mentally defeating Zarkin, he had absolutely no knowledge of Dannaluth at all. That and he also had no way of getting information on this man either. He was out on the paths to Salvar, no familiar to hurry up and get information through his trainer back at the headquarters. Damn my stupidity on accepting. I am far too big-headed Zarkin internally fought himself.

Hopefully wishing, Zarkin strolled down the path, he covered his face as the cool breeze brushed gently upon Zarkin's face. The cold and bitterness of the natural air in Salvar nipped at Zarkin chilling him slightly. Just then it dawned on him, No wonder that jackass chose this place! He is used to the cold and my stubourness got the best of me once again! Zarkin thought. Dannaluth had somehow impeded Zarkin's way of thinking so that he couldn't change the venue. This was in no way a fair fight. Then again Zarkin did agree to the terms of the fight, so he must abide by the rules. Still though, Zarkin was now having strong doubts. I musn't think this way if I want to win Zarkin told himself. I have to be as positive as I can, just stay warmed up and you will be ready.

The destination of the fight was drawing closer and Zarkin could now see the figure of Dannaluth. Thinking of exactly what Zarkin was going to say he knew he could alter the rules to match it to a hand-to-hand combat fight. Dannaluth never specified on how the opponent must be beaten. This was Zarkin's last strain of hope. Drawing even closer Zarkin was now ten feet away from Dannaluth, now was his chance.

"Dannaluth! I have an altercation to this fight. We will do it in the style of hand-to-hand combat. No questions asked, now dispose of any item you have hidden, for if I find one you will have no choice but to be defeated" Zarkin said to the challenger. Zarkin was ready, Dannaluth was ready. The tension was rising and Zarkin could feel it in the thin, cool air. Taking off the bow from around his torso, throwing the quive to the side, and placing all of his throwing knives with his other weapons Zarkin waited for Dannaluth to do the same. "No trickery Dannaluth, for you know of the consequence" Zarkin said sternly to the challenger.

[Dannaluth]

Dannaluth turned as he heard the voice of his opponent. He chuckled to himself, slowly and meticuously.

"Alright, Zarkin. I'll abide to your altercation. But if we're changing rules, here's one for you. Whoever wins gets his opponents weapons." Dannaluth said as he tossed his weapons into the pile created by Zarkin.

As Dannaluth emptied his leather bag, he thought to himself. This fool does not know I am highly skilled in hand-to-hand combat. I knew my extra training in the mountains would be useful.

"When shall we start, Zarkin? In the morning, as the sun breaks the morning mist? Or in the heat of the day, perhaps in hopes of fatiguing me? Your choice, nave."

[Zarkin]

"Morning, but no one will start until everyone is ready" Zarkin said. "I accept your proposal. Winner takes all" Zarkin said sure of himself. He knew this wouldn't be an easy win. This would be a long fight. Hopefully he could win off of pure will power. "Get as much rest as you can, no trickery. I assure you this will not be easy" Zarkin said sternly.

Sitting down almost immediately after telling Dannaluth to get rest. He knew that all of his weaponry was at stake. He knew that the biggest fear he had was also losing his life. Zarkin had never been challenged, mostly because of all of the people either feared or respected him. He knew that this was a serious matter, all of his training wasn't done for nothing. He had to win and wouldn't stop until he had won.

Upon resting Zarkin looked up into the night sky, a warm fire near him to keep him alive from the cool night. This was also a good tactic on getting into your enemies head. Zarkin sat behind the fire, staring deeply into the eyes of Dannaluth, Zarkin knew this would affect him in some way. After doing this for at least an hour, tiredness took it's toll and Zarkin layed down and closed his eyes.

Visions crept into Zarkin's mind as the thoughts of the battle in the morning grew intense. Almost as if what was going to actually happen was being played through Zarkin's mind. He saw Dannaluth and him both on the ground multple times wrestling eachother to get back up. And just before Zarkin jolted awake something was about to happen. He didn't get to see what it was, but something was about to happen.

"Get up you damn fool, I am ready" Dannaluth awoke Zarkin.

"I am not fully awake yet, the battle is not yet ready to commence" Zarkin said angrily.

"You think I am not fully aware of this?" Dannaluth replied. "You are a damn fool, Zarkin. May the best of luck come to you" Dannaluth said before walking away, back to his little camp of the night.

Zarkin sat up, did his morning routine to warm up his muscles and get his mind set for battle. Hand-to-hand combat was Zarkin's specialty, but it was also Dannaluth's. After an hour of preparing the battle was ready to start.

"Alright Dannaluth, come face to face, shake hand's, take fourteen paces, turn, then the fight starts" Zarkin yelled out to opponent. Taking his long walking strides towards Dannaluth Zarkin's mind was placed into fight mode. He was beyond ready. The two soon came face to face, shook hands. Taking fourteen paces between them Zarkin's heart pounded in his head. He was ready.

Turning around Zarkin saw the hatred in Dannaluth's eyes. Neither of them moved for about a minute, but to the both of them, it seemed an eternity. Zarkin was the first to make a move. He ran at a full sprint towards Dannaluth, and just before he reached him Zarkin jumped into the air and in his mind spoke his camouflage charm. This obviously scared Dannaluth as he looked around mindlessly. Dannaluth turned around and saw Zarkin. Of course he didn't have time to react except to flinch as the forceful blow from Zarkin's fist was layed into Dannaluth's nose. With a possible broken nose Dannaluth stumbled back, Zarkin saw his chance immediately and took charge again. Throwing out two more hits, one strong kick to the stomach Dannaluth doubled over, and then Zarkin through out a very strong knee to the face knocking Dannaluth off his feet and onto the ground.

Zarkin saw no point in pouncing upon the man just yet, so he taunted Dannaluth a bit. "I thought you were an assassin, not an uncordinated bastard. Maybe you should join your grandmother in quilting and give up being an assassin" Zarkin spit out the venom as he watched Dannaluth stumble up to his feet regaining his balance. Once he regained all of his balance Dannaluth charged Zarkin.

[Dannaluth]

As Dannaluth got up from the ground, he was ashamed of himself. For letting this fool hit him! Damn it! He got up and ran towards Zarkin. He jumped in the air and all time seemed to stop. Then like lightning, Dannaluth's fist crashed into Zarkin's stomach, causing him to keel over. As Zarkin keeled, Dannaluth's knee went to Zarkin's nose and mouth with a pleasing crack of teeth, and Dannaluth grinned. Zarkin fell, and Dannaluth let him regain himself. "Maybe you should go join your sister in her brothel! You filthy gutter whore!" Zarkin got up and Dannaluth was back in fight mode. Time to unleash the beast.

[Zarkin]

Zarkin rose to the taunt made by the challenger. Stepping in closer they circled around each other throwing out taunts and small tactics within their brains. This lasted a good two minutes or so before Zarkin made his move. He ran in with a fake jab with the left. As Dannaluth dodged to the right Zarkin through out a solid right hook that made its mark on Dannaluth's temple. This must have stunned Dannaluth because he stumbled back. Zarkin again took advantage of this and ran up to Dannaluth, did a jump kick to his stomach knocking him down.

Zarkin jumped on top of Dannaluth and straddled him so he couldn't get up easily. Zarkin started landing punches onto Dannaluth's head. Blocking with all the might he had Dannaluth caught Zarkin on a downswing and countered the attack. Dannaluth now on top of Zarkin, this time instead of doing what Zarkin did and throwing punches Dannaluth took more cautious hits. His hits were harder and more well chosen than Zarkin's but this had almost less of an effect. Instead of catching Dannaluth on a swing Zarkin simply lifted his right leg up and kicked Dannaluth in the back of the head knocking Dannaluth off of Zarkin.

The two fought for about an hour, each one of them fighting with carefully placed hits. Larkin was getting bad cuts on his face and bruised badly. Dannaluth was also getting same effects as Zarkin. The two kept on going through our the night. They didn't stop and weren't planning on it until there was a victor. The dawn of the next morning was already approaching and a fine fog settled in leaving the two in a sort of camouflage in itself. This was Zarkin's chance! He spoke his camouflage charm and started hitting Dannaluth on his blind sides. Zarkin knew he could win this now. So he took one last shot and hit Dannaluth right in the back of the head. Zarkin watched as Dannaluth fell to the ground unconscious. Zarkin had won.

Zarkin stood there for a moment looking at Dannaluth's body laying face down into the ground. He was limp and his breathing was shallow. Zarkin went over to the pile of weaponry and retrieved only his belongings and started towards home. Dannaluth will need his weapons for hunting once he wakes up Zarkin thought as he walked home a little hunched over.

[Otto]

Two things before I give the judgement:


Neither of you have working links to your character profiles. This means that any judge (or other writer) who needs to read up on your characters has to trawl through the updates archive or your posting history in order to find them. Please fix this.
Technically, this thread does not take place in the Citadel. This would have been better suited to the Salvar region forum.


Alright, now to the scores:


Zarkin

Plot: 10/30

The story suffered from being both a) somewhat dull, and b) seemingly unrealistic. Why go all the way to Salvar? Why accept the challenge so unquestioningly? There must be reasons for these things, but you don't give them.

The setting was a bit flat, and not utilised too well. The story just didn't feel grounded in reality.

Everything moved at a fairly constant, monotonous pace. You could have slowed things down before the battle by contrasting slower, drawn-out sections of travel with tense close encounters on the road. You did manage this a bit in post 11, though, with a bit of a build-up towards the fight.


Character: 11/30

Grammar in dialogue affects how we imagine the characters to speak, and so errors usually make speech sound false. Using adjectives ("No trickery Dannaluth, for you know of the consequence" Zarkin said sternly") helped give Zarkin some personality, but his word choice and phrasing still sounded a bit false.

Action wasn't too bad, but I have deducted points for inconsistencies with your character profile. For example, you state that Zarkin's specialty is hand-to-hand - but nothing like that is listed in his skillset. Also, Dannaluth is, in several ways, physically superior to Zarkin: I can grant that Zarkin could still win through deviousness, as he did, but not the two of them would trade blows evenly in a stand-up fight - nor that they could slug it out for a full 24 hours.

It's apparent that Zarkin is arrogant and brash, but not much else. What drove him to accept this challenge? More importantly, since he is an assassin, why is the competition a stand-up fight?


Prose: 10/30

I have a list of issues/suggestions regarding your mechanics:
Read up on comma usage regarding conjunctions. You may also find it helpful to read up on transitional phrases, introductory phrases, and the like.
Dialogue (like any other sentence) must always end with a (appropriate) punctuation mark.
Sentence fragments were also an issue.
Some of your writing is quite ambiguous. Please ensure that when you use pronouns, it is clear who or what the pronoun is referring to.
Some issues with apostrophe use (missing when required, present when not needed).
Spelling mistakes, and poor word usage (such as 'altercation', which you used in the sense of meaning a rule or guideline).

I would recommend, after finishing a post, going back a day or two later and re-reading it. Some of your sentence structure is quite confusing, and having a fresh look at it may let you see some problems that you didn't notice when you wrote it.

Apart from a little bit of flowery language, your writing was quite straightforward, lacking in imagery, and without anything much going on beyond what you were explicitly writing about.


Wildcard: 3/10

Total: 34/100


Dannaluth

Plot: 7/30

Dannaluth really didn't bring anything to the story. In fact, a couple of your posts seemed to just be rewritten versions of Zarkin's. Try and have your character tangibly impact the story, and in his own way, too.

Like Zarkin, the setting was quite poorly established. There's no clue as to where, geographically, they begin, no where they end up (apart from somewhere in Salvar). Moreover, the immediate environments would have benefitted from being better described.

Try and vary your pacing. If you draw out the non-action sequences a bit more, they will give a different feeling (and would have given some sense of the time it took to travel to Salvar), and contrast nicely with the more frantic combat scenes.


Character: 9/30

Dannaluth's dialogue was a little roughly written. Still, it gave some insight into his character, though longer posts with more content would have allowed you to explore further.

Zarkin was not the only one to powerplay, here. Could the tree branches really support his weight, if he was wearing his steel plate armour (and establishing as much is also important)? Also, your character profile does not list a bow as part of his equipment, and yet he has one in this thread. And nor does he know any 'preserving charms'. Work with what you have!

There are a lot of unanswered questions about Dannaluth. How does he know who Zarkin is? Why does he want to challenge him? Why go to Salvar? Why does Dannaluth have such a personal dislike of Zarkin?


Prose: 9/30

Some mechanical issues I picked up:
As I said to Zarkin - dialogue, internal or spoken, must always end with a (appropriate) punctuation mark.
Don't confuse "it's" and "its".
Redundancy: sometimes you write the same thing twice.
Typos/missing words.
Some sentence structure could be improved to make them flow better.

Apart from the issues that arose from the mechanics, your posts were generally easy enough to follow. However, Dannaluth's attitude towards Zarkin begs some answers - given how familiar Dannaluth seems to be with Zarkin, has the other assassin done something to draw Dannaluth's ire/personal interest? The reason why Dannaluth sought Zarkin out really ought to be addressed here.

Lastly, I would repeat the final paragraph I wrote for Zarkin's prose section here.


Wildcard: 2/10

Total: 27/100



Zarkin wins, and receives 375 experience and 75 gold.

Dannaluth receives 150 experience and 50 gold.

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.