The Wheel of Fate is Turning!

[Zack Blaze]

The citadel was not the typical place that Zack Blaze would sully his hands with. Something about the idea of instantly after death with nothing really at stake never settled well with the youth. Tournaments at least had high stakes prizes on the line, and at the very least, were great hunting grounds for potential candidates for Misery Business. The citadel paired fighters at random unless specifically requested, so it was always a gamble as to whether or not Zack would fight somebody even remotely worthy of his time.

Today however, Zack had found a GP with the image of Santh Til’Garos’ head facing upwards, he had managed to pick up a four leaf clover, and he had somehow acquired an acorn within his pocket. Normally, these three random events would be brushed aside by the boy as coincidences. The fact that all three events related to good luck, however, motivated the boy to take a chance with the Battle Church.

As he walked through the halls guided by a bald headed monk, he whistled a tune from his youth about Berevar Doodle coming to town on a pony. The youth could hear the various fights coming from behind each door that they passed. As he was lead towards his arena, he smiled and nodded his thanks to the monk, placing a hand on his head and rubbing the chrome dome for an extra measure.

The monk (who was now starring daggers at his latest client) opened the door for Zack to step through, which he quickly did. “Thanks for the help, gramps,” Zack spoke towards the monk (Who honestly was not that old looking), and into his arena.

He walked down the fifty by fifty foot square, looking over the blue, five by five tiles. The youth smiled, hopping left to right and sending jabs out towards an invisible opponent. It was exactly what Zack had asked for, and he knew the monks would explain the rules once someone accepted his challenge. The loser would be the first one either knocked out, or pushed out of the square radius and into the soft grass below. The floor may as well have been a cage, a certain fear of getting too close to the edge always lingering over one’s head.

When he heard cheering, Zack looked around to see that he would have an audience for this fight. Outside of the arena stood rows of bleachers, filled to the brim with eager fans awaiting the fights to begin. Zack waved to the crowd, prompting a round of applause from the spectators. He had no idea if these people were real, or simply conjurations of the citadel. Either way, it made the street fighter even more determined to win this bout.

“Looks like today is definitely gonna be my lucky day,” he smirked.

(Closed to Mr. Leoric)

[Leoric]

Leoric finished the mug of ale he had in front of him as he walked up to the monk at the front desk. He had heard many tales of this great obelisk of power, no matter how much damage you sustained the monks here could always put you back together.

"Sir, i need a fist fight and a damn good one" Leoric slurred as he looked at the cue-ball in front of him. The monk seemed to be trying not to breathe, the alcoholic aroma emanating from Leoric was potent to say the least.

The monk motioned for Leoric to follow him as he headed down the hall way sputtering the rules of this specific arena.

"If you leave the marked area, you will lose.
If you lose consciousness, you will lose." The monk said as he stopped in front of a wooden door that was colored blue.

Leoric smirked and scratched at the coloration on the door before smirking like a little kid. "A special colored door just for me?" The door swung open and the monk pushed him in as he quickly slammed the door shut behind him.

"You would think he wouldn't know what a good time smelt like" Leoric said as he turned around to see his opponent.

A young lad which seemed to be in his early twenties, maybe even late teens with blonde hair, there was nothing that really stood out about the young lad besides that he appeared to be bouncy. he was hoping from one foot to another jabbing at open air. Whatever Ale he had drank before the match washed away as he started slowly walking towards his opponent, getting ever so slightly faster as he got closer to his opponent. he loosened his sheathe and threw it on the soft grass. He then continued by undoing his Leather vest and throwing it behind him, the light leather vest floating carelessly down and resting on top of the sheathe resting on the grass.

At this point he was practically at the fastest speed he could go, without bursting into a jog or sprint. Leoric's eyes were set on his opponent, unwavering, unmoving, he was studying his opponents every move as he got closer. Leoric quickly dropped to one knee and kicked off of the ground, hitting a full force sprint, he swung his right arm wide and was ready to follow up with an immediate leg sweep if the opportunity arose. He wanted to feel the thrill of beating another man until his arm got so sore he could barely lift it, he was hoping this young lad would be able to stay conscious long enough to prove a match for him.

[Zack Blaze]

The footsteps on the arena floor brought Zack back to the task at hand. Turning to the source of the sounds, Zack’s green eyes met with the icy blue of his opponent’s. He watched the man disarm and disrobe as he approached the youth, prompting a smile to form across the teen’s lips. While he had not specifically requested no weaponry, the giddiness in the street fighter’s movements indicated the thrill of dueling someone who would acquiesce to his own terms.

When the larger man turned his brisk pace into an all-out charge, Zack slammed the knuckles of his fists together. The speed caused a brief pause in Zack’s movements and that was all the opportunity his foe needed to capitalize. A hard fist slammed into the youth’s pristine cheek, turning his head and causing the warrior to take a step backwards. “That was a good, but I hope you---“

Before Zack could even finish the statement, the warrior hit the ground and started to spin himself around to form a sweep kick. Zack’s eyes widened, his instincts taking over as he instantly disappeared, the attack from Leoric meeting with nothing but air. Thank you teleportation stone. The prize the boy had won from the Adventurer’s Crown had saved him as it had many times since acquiring it.

The boy was now in the air, about five feet from Leoric, with his right foot coming down towards the man’s shoulder. His hope was to catch his foe off guard so he could practice one of his newer techniques, a little doozie he had named ‘Jogging Practice. Essentially, if he were to hit Leoric in his right shoulder, he would follow up the bold maneuver with a series of stomps on each of his opponent’s shoulder blades, until he pummeled the man into the ground with his feet.

“By the way, Zack Blaze!” The (former) teen shouted as he flew through the air.

[Leoric]

Adonis finished his leg sweep and smiled when he didn't feel his leg connect. He looked up at his opponent as his foot came crashing down on his shoulder. shortly followed by more kicks bouncing back and forth between each shoulder. Leoric dropped to a knee and quickly shifted his weight to off balance his opponent.

"It worked" Leoric thought as he felt the foot slide off his left shoulder. he quickly lurched upwards to further off balance Zack.

"Leoric Rockfist" Leoric smirked as he rotated his shoulders and rubbed them to try and ease the pain. "Got one hell of a kick there kid"

Leoric slid his right foot behind him and closed his eyes for a second. letting the thundering of the crowd permeate his senses, he had paid them no attention when he first entered, they were loving the spectacle going on in front of them. His adrenaline started pumping and his smile kept getting larger and larger it had been a while since he had felt this adrenaline rush, and pain. He opened his eyes and stared at Zack as he lunged forward again pulling both fists back and getting ready to just shove both fists as hard as he could into his gut.

[Zack Blaze]

Zack could feel the change of posture from his opponent almost immediately. However, given that the youth was in the air, his only support being the shoulders of his foe, there was nothing he could really do. He was shoved backwards when the warrior had lurched forward, the boy falling straight to his bum with a loud thud. Zack stood, his lips formed into kind of a scowl as he rubbed his bottom for a minute. It throbbed, but considering this man, who introduced himself as Leoric, could have thrown a haymaker Zack’s way, the youth continued to count himself lucky.

He looked to their audience, the various spectators starting to pick their favorites in this match, cheering their championing and jeering his foe. He turned his head back to Leoric, his eyes growing wide as the muscular warrior brought both his fists rocketing towards the street fighter’s belly. The fists connecting, causing Zack to double over upon the arms of his opponent, his eyes appearing as if they were too soon burst from his head, his oxygen leaving in a haste from his lungs. It was a solid hit that would take down most men instantly, awarding Leoric the victory.

But Zack Blaze was not most men.

The sweet smelling street smart fighter cut a slight smile upon his features, a quick change from the painful look in his face just seconds before. He raised his right arm high into the air, bringing his elbow down upon the neck of his foe. The impact sent the warrior falling onto the tiles below, and bought Zack enough time to take five paces backwards, holding his gut with a sneer on his face. He was breathing heavily, trying to regain was Leoric had just taken from him.

“Not bad…. ready…. to give up… though?” Zack uttered between his gasps.

[Leoric]

Leoric stayed prone on the ground for a few seconds. Zack's move had temporarily stunned Leoric.

Leoric started chuckling as he got up to one knee and gently caressed his neck. "I am just starting to enjoy this fight"

He stumbled as he stood up straight and stared intently at his opponent, grabbing his leather gloves from his pocket. Leoric widened his stance and pushed both his palms forward, before going in opposite directions out to the side and drawing a circle directly in front of him. As his hands finished the circle in the air a pleasant gust of wind pushed towards Zack as an eruption of dust blew into the air around the perimeter of the arena.

Leoric smirked as he took off towards Zack stopping just outside of striking range, he hoped that Zack would know this and not throw his guard up, he pushed his palms forward at full force. Leoric never once removed his eyes from his opponents. He was now serious and would not go down easily.


Quaking Palm is now in Effect, Only attacking with my palm triggers the effect

[Zack Blaze]

When Leoric made his little pose, Zack had suspected that something was up. As the wind blew through his hair, the youth raised a hand to move it back into place. While he was a street fighter first and foremost, Zack Blaze enjoyed looking good while he fought with people. The motion sent the crowd into an uproar, his fans excited by an unintentional taunt and his detractors hating him all the more for it. ‘The MizBiz Kid’ actually had a hard time deciphering which hollers were for or against him at this point, the sounds merging into a giant convoluted mess.

Zack smirked and raised his arms as Leoric came towards him, dropping his guard when the man stopped. He raised an eyebrow as he looked to Leoric, the warrior having a very serious look plastered across his features. “I hate to tell you pal,” Zack said, “But you may wanna get your depth perception ch---“

His body flew through the air at the impact, his face feeling as though he had been hit with both of his opponent’s palms. Zack fell to the ground, droplets of red spittle trailing behind him as he rolled, his body inches from the edge of the arena. He managed to put a firm hand on the ground, catching himself just before falling off and causing a few pebbles to tip over the top of the stage.

Pushing himself up, Zack’s face had turned into a sneer, his pearly white teeth speckled with bits of his own blood. He closed his mouth, rand his tongue over his canines, and spit out a wad of thick crimson onto the ground. “That was…unexpected,” Zack found himself at a loss for words, his hand wandering to his pants pocket, “But you’re not the only one full of surprises.”

He removed his hand from his pocket, quickly waving ‘bye bye’ to Leoric as he brought his fingers to his mouth to whistle. Without any other warning, an eight foot, black toned ogre fell in front of Zack, his impact on the arena causing cracks and indentions in the floor below his feet. His red eyes glowed as he looked to Leoric, a smile widening across this giant’s face, his own pure white teeth an odd parallel from his otherwise vulgar looking demeanor.

“That the guy,” The beast asked, or more so growled, towards Zack, “and by the way, I hate it when you do that.

Zack shook his head as he knelt to the ground. “I just need you to run a distraction for me Makai. Don’t actually hurt him. He’s mine” His hope was that the distance between himself and Leoric, as well as the rambunctious crowd would drown out his strategy. Makai simply nodded, his smile fading as he ran towards Leoric.

“You and your foolish pride, Zacko.”

((Zack has used his ‘Makai Summon’ ability to have Makai charge towards Leoric. It should be noted that Makai will stop within striking distance of the quaking palm and then just stand there until Leoric attacks, or Zack orders Makai to do so. This is a diversionary tactic, obviously.))

[Leoric]

Leoric smirked as he saw the figure of Zack fly across the arena and almost ring out. His magic had seemed to catch him off guard.

"Who needs Depth perception when i got Quaking strike" Leoric thought to himself as the massive ogre appeared in front of Zack, Leoric was un sure of what to make of the ogre but focused on the task at hand. the Crowd was not sure on how to react, some were happy the ogre was there, others not as much.

The Ogre charged Leoric and stopped just outside his normal range for a knuckle sandwich, however he was at the perfect range for a Quaking palm. Leoric Looked up at the ogre and smiled as he quickly jutted his palm forward towards the Ogre's nut sack nailing them dead on. The ogre roared in pain and was in the process of doubling over in pain when his neck snapped back and he fell backwards on the arena cracking more tiles. Leoric was still in the pose from his last strike, his palm was pointed upwards to where the Ogre's chin just was. It took a few seconds before the audience processed what had happened and the whole arena erupted simultaneously with cheering. The Shirtless brawler had just taken down a massive ogre in two strikes, not a feat most humans could accomplish.

"Stop hiding behind a meat shield and take your beating like a man" Leoric said as he looked over to where Zack last was.


Two Quaking palm strikes, one striking the Ogre's balls, the other was in the form of an uppercut to his chin

[Zack Blaze]

When Makai had made his move, so did Zack, the youth taking off around the ogre, and out of the peripheral vision of his opponent. While Leoric was distracted with the ogre, Zack began to come up from his side, watching as Makai fell to the ground. The giant began to disappear while the crowd cheered for Leoric’s blow. When the warrior had challenged the street fighter, Zack was already mere feet from the man’s left side.

“Says the guy who doesn’t want to even get near me!” Zack exclaimed, balling a fist up to prepare for what was to come. The area around the brawler’s fist began to crackle and pop with electric energies, small spark jolting off of the knuckles of Zack. He concentrated as he raised the fist high into the air, bringing it downwards when he was just inches in front of Leoric.

However, the youth paused in his advance, his fist inches from making contact with his oppoonent’s face. Makai’s body had already become transparent, disappearing after Zack had him outlive his usefulness. He wanted to make sure Leoric knew the difference in ability between the two of them, hear the buzzing of power within a single fist strike. Leoric had brought out his special abilities; now it was Zack’s turn.

Rather than land a blow on his foe, Zack instead reached to grab the man by his neck and lift him upwards. If the grab was successful, Zack would then load up Leoric with several dozen electric shocks at once, hopefully scaring and disorienting his foe. Then, it was just a matter of time before the muscular man would fall.

[Leoric]

Leoric turned his head to the side just in time to have Zack grab his throat and lift him off the ground. Leoric kept trying to get free or talk, instead his body kept convulsing and some guttural noises emanated from his mouth. after what felt like an eternity the electrical shock dissipated and Leoric managed to bring his foot up and kick Zack in his nether regions.

As Leoric hit the ground he fell backwards and rolled a few feet back, His right arm still twitching from the electric shock. The crowd was a mixture of cheering and shock, Leoric could hear that Zack was beginning to become the crowd favorite. Leoric spit crimson blood on the ground as he forced himself to his feet, his legs wobbling and body swaying.

"Cheap ... trick" Leoric panted as his vision began to blur, he knew he wouldn't last much longer specially if there were more tricks like this up his opponents sleeve.

Leoric struggled to stop his swaying as he stared down his opponent, who was struggling to compose himself after a kick to his no-no place.

"You know... normally i would be... the last person to say this... we could call it a draw" Leoric panted as his eyes struggled to stay open.

[Zack Blaze]

While his electric shock worked, Zack was definitely not expecting the swift kick to his nether regions once Leoric got his land legs once more. The youth clutched his manhood and fell to the ground, his leg twitch and kicking every so often, which only brought more pain to the street fighter’s genitals. He coughed profusely, nearly to the point of throwing up. It felt like he was dying, and the entire crowd had fell silent at Leoric’s attack. While knocking out an ogre with a crotch-kick was fair play, doing the same to a human seemed to be a weird double-standard.

He slowly managed to get himself up to one foot, his other leg taking a knee as Leoric proposed a tie between the two of them. “You mean… admit that I can’t handle someone like you?” No way… you’re resorting to dirty tricks whenever someone gets past your little invisible hit move. That means I almost have this in the bag…”

Zack launched himself up from the ground, his throbbing privates aching with each movement of his body. He balled a fist, activating his ‘Gravity Trigger’ as he aimed to slam it directly into Leoric’s stomach. The man had already taken extensive damage to his shoulders and neck. The top of the ‘structure’ was crumbling, so now all Zack needed to do was give one decent blow to the middle. With that, the whole thing would come falling down, and Zack would be victorious.

Just hope I can last long enough to ask this guy about Misery Business… Zack thought to himself.

It was would hopefully be the ‘lucky blow’ he needed.

[Leoric]

Leoric smirked as he straightened up and got ready for what would be his last move, the young lad charged him. They both didn't appear to be able to handle much more and this last hit could decide the fight, Leoric knew this, however he did not have the ability to dodge and counter. so he decided the next best thing, he would take the hit and just hope to hit Zack harder then Zack hit him.

"You're completely open, Kid" Leoric said as he quickly jutted out his palm and nailed Zack in the abdomen as his Quaking palm activated and fired through him. The quaking palm would not destroy or cut any tissue, but every muscle and internal organ would feel like his palm just impacted them on its way out the other side.

Zack passed by him and hit the ground from the impact of the quaking palm, Leoric suddenly doubled over in pain as he started to feel intense pain in his stomach, as if every muscle was contracting and twisting inside of him, He backpedaled and felt his foot slip on the edge of the arena, he dropped to his knees and then fell to his side clutching his stomach as more waves of pain surged up through him. He looked over at Zack who was still in pain himself.

"One for One... " Leoric coughed as he seethed in pain.

[Zack Blaze]

Zack collapsed on the ground, his beaten body near motionless from Leoric’s blow. The street fighter had managed to clutch his fist and activate the Gravity Crush before his foe had hit him with his intense gut punch. The blonde basher grabbed at his abs, turning to and from as a whine of air escaped from his lips. The two of them were pretty evenly matched, something that appealed to Zack Blaze as much as it infuriated him.

“Don’t suppose…you’d be interested… in joinin up… with me and the people…. Of Misery Business?” he askedof his opponent, each syllable stretched out into a groan. He could hear the older man laugh, though he had not the strength to look at him.

“Tell you what…” Came Leoric’s reply, his voice just as strained as Zack’s, “If you can…actually beat me…I’ll join up… if not…tough shit…”

Zack grinned a little bit, the blood once again welling up in his mouth. He had suffered extensive damage to his body and the crowd was starting to lose interest in the fight. He could see the spectators as they began to leave their seats. It was now, watching these people just up and leave, that Zack knew he could not just let this fight result in a tie. His eyes shifted down, his legs ridiculously close to Leoric.

“Deal…” Zack whispered, using what was left of his strength to push on the heavier man. Leoric’s eyes widened as his weight carried him over the edge of the arena. Zack’s gaze went back to the crowd, several of the audience members paused in utter shock at the strange turn of events. A young boy in the stands began a slow clap, applauding the tenacity of both fighters, and soon he was joined by the rest of the arena, an uproarious cheer for their champion Zack Blaze.

“Welcome to… the family... Leoric Rockfist…”

[Lye]

Judgement Type: Full Rubric/Full Commentary

Participants: Zack Blaze & Leoric


Plot: Zack: 14/30 - Leoric: 12/30

Story - Zack: 5/10 - Leoric: 4/10
Zack:

Zack finds three omens of good luck and decides to take a chance in a battle arena where no wagers are won and he usually wouldn't go to. The justification for this luck is to find a worthy opponent to kick their teeth in and perhaps see if they would like to join his group. From what was written, that line of thinking would fit Zack but there would be a better use of said luck. Throughout the battle there was witty banter to keep the reader engaged, but the overall purpose of the fight lacked strength. One would have expected a street fighter like Zack to be hanging out in an arena like this just to hone his skills. Perhaps he wanted to play a game of "King of the Arena" and hold down the same room until a competitor could knock him out. Some internal thought and purpose to Zack's actions and presence would have engaged the reader more and built a purpose for the fight.

Leoric:

Leoric had a few slugs of booze and decided he wanted to break a face or two. Instead of picking a fight with one of the other drunken patrons, he makes a venture over to The Citadel for a scrap. While this adds to the image that Leoric is a rugged fighter with an aggressive tendency when drunk, there was little information as to why he was drinking. Did he wake up after a long night of drinking to help his hangover with more drinking? Maybe something was troubling him? Giving Leoric a reason to have a swig and pick a fight would have been a good hook for a skimming reader. Also, you need to watch out for location conflicts. For example:

Leoric finished the mug of ale he had in front of him as he walked up to the monk at the front desk.
In this sentence, Leoric pounds down a mug of ale that is in front of him, and now he is at the front desk with a monk behind it. Was he at a bar and walked across the street? Did the Citadel have a front desk that was having a cocktail hour? What happened to the mug and was he sitting or standing when he finished it? This information is useful in establishing a setting, a reason, and a purpose for your character's actions.

Setting- Zack: 5/10 - Leoric: 4/10
Zack:


He walked down the fifty by fifty foot square, looking over the blue, five by five tiles. The youth smiled, hopping left to right and sending jabs out towards an invisible opponent. It was exactly what Zack had asked for, and he knew the monks would explain the rules once someone accepted his challenge. The loser would be the first one either knocked out, or pushed out of the square radius and into the soft grass below. The floor may as well have been a cage, a certain fear of getting too close to the edge always lingering over one’s head.

When he heard cheering, Zack looked around to see that he would have an audience for this fight. Outside of the arena stood rows of bleachers, filled to the brim with eager fans awaiting the fights to begin. Zack waved to the crowd, prompting a round of applause from the spectators. He had no idea if these people were real, or simply conjurations of the citadel. Either way, it made the street fighter even more determined to win this bout.
The scene was painted in the early begging of the thread. While this is important, it is also just as vital to have your character live the setting. For example, you could have said, "Zack's boots clicked across the polished surface of the blue tile floor. His eyes struggled to adapt to the lighting when the scent of the lush grass below piqued his interest." This kind of engaging imagery not only paints the beginning of the scene, but you explain smell, sound, touch, and the description of the lighting can also set the tone. In my mind, I imagined the room to be darkly lit with a spotlight to the center arena and fans in bleachers floating in the air. Appealing to the senses with those other adjectives paints a much more vivid scene where every element is present to engage the reader. After the opening, the only other mention of the environment was the cracking tile, and the crowd cheering. Because of your interaction with the crowd, albeit it was mostly passive, I gave you an upper hand in your score. You also used the cracked tile as a means to end the battle. Using the environment like this is important to engage the reader.

Leoric:


he loosened his sheathe and threw it on the soft grass. He then continued by undoing his Leather vest and throwing it behind him, the light leather vest floating carelessly down and resting on top of the sheathe resting on the grass.
There was not much interaction with the setting. There was an occasional observation of the crowed, the shape and size of the tower, and the running of fingers over the door. After that, there was little mention of the environment. Something like "Leoric fell backwards, his damp, sweaty skin slapped against the cold tile beneath." And when you made mention of the wind pushing dust from activating Quaking Palm, I would have liked to see how that affected the crowd. "The breeze reached up into the crowd. The dusty gale forced some of the spectators to wince while others stood in their seats to thunderously cheer on what was next to come." There your actions would have reminded the reader where you are and the fact your character's actions not only affect your opponent, but everything else around you. Using these tools as you write is vital to creating a deep and immerse universe.

Pacing- Zack: 4/10 - Leoric: 4/10
Run on sentences hurt both players equally here.

Zack:


The fists connecting, causing Zack to double over upon the arms of his opponent, his eyes appearing as if they were too soon burst from his head, his oxygen leaving in a haste from his lungs.
Aside from issues in tense, I understood what was generally going on. Breaking this sentence up would have increased readability and given the writing more strength. The pacing with the combat dialogue was the edge in this category, especially when it cut off mid sentence. That technique is dynamic and adds more shock and awe to the action. One more thing to note was the punctuation. There were a few examples but in the one below, you misplaced a quote and it shattered my ability to read through it smoothly.


He slowly managed to get himself up to one foot, his other leg taking a knee as Leoric proposed a tie between the two of them. “You mean… admit that I can’t handle someone like you?” No way… you’re resorting to dirty tricks whenever someone gets past your little invisible hit move. That means I almost have this in the bag…”
Leoric:


letting the thundering of the crowd permeate his senses, he had paid them no attention when he first entered, they were loving the spectacle going on in front of them.
This was a post right before Zack’s. A few things for this one: There are three sentences here joined by commas. Although commas provide a pause much like a period, they are usually used to join two similar clauses into one related chunk. The subject material in the sentences is the same, but each clause is independent. If they needed to squish together, it would be written, “Letting the thundering crowd permeate his senses, something previously ignored, he realized they were loving the spectacle going on in front of them.” Although that still doesn’t flow as well as it would with independent sentences, it is not a run on. There are two dependent clauses that need the final clause to tie them together. This was common throughout the story. That lack of a capitalization also detracted from the flow.


Character: Zack: 14/30 - Leoric: 12/30

Communication- Zack: 5/10 - Leoric: 5/10
Zack:

That use of hyphens to cut off a sentence to have something smash into the character is dynamic. One would expect a character to really only have that happen once in a thread, since it implies they were caught off guard. In this case, the writing suggests that Zack is a little cocky and those last few seconds to get his words in are well worth a punch to the face. There should not be a habit of using that technique too often because it gives the notion that the character is daft. If someone got struck by a painful blow because they were talking too long, they most likely wouldn’t want that to happen again. Another thing to note was the use of ellipses. These can be useful tools to create a long pause or trailing close. When used to break speech for gasps or chokes, it is unnecessary. Some writers use this in combination with onamonapia with great success. In those circumstances, the reader is only given literal sounds with no adjectives and it makes more sense. When ellipses are used, then tied up with “Zack uttered between gasps.” It only repeats the purpose of the ellipses.


“Don’t suppose…you’d be interested… in joinin up… with me and the people…. Of Misery Business?” he askedof his opponent, each syllable stretched out into a groan.
In this example, it is the same thing. To achieve the same effect:

“Don’t suppose you’d be interested,” he began with each syllable stretched out into a groan, “in joining up with me and the people of Misery Business?”

There could also be the use of ellipses and lack of how he spoke through groans; for this much text to be inturrupted, it is distracting.

Leoric:

The same thing as above. Plus, the need to indicate some form of punctuation when transitioning from speech to description. See below:


"Leoric Rockfist" Leoric smirked as he rotated his shoulders and rubbed them to try and ease the pain. "Got one hell of a kick there kid"
There is a lack of punctuation and the use of “Leoric” so close together throws off the read. As for an example of the ellipses:


"You know... normally i would be... the last person to say this... we could call it a draw" Leoric panted as his eyes struggled to stay open.
There was a lack of proper punctuation near the end of dialogue. Use of “panting” when you already created the pause with ellipses is redundant. The dialogue did make Leoric sound like one tough mother (insert here), which was a good reflection of personality. Both characters used witty dialogue well for the fight, however, the punctuation and delivery hurt.

Action- Zack: 5/10 - Leoric: 4/10
Zack:

The actions written out were semi-believable. There was an idea of strategy by using distractions and acting in reaction to Leoric’s movement. A good example was Zack’s reaction to Leoric shifting his weight after “Jogging Practice”. There are points when it took an opposite approach as well. An example of this was when Zack folded over Leoric’s double fist. Instead of reeling back, or falling down, he delivered a precise blow to the back of the neck. It also seemed like his previous folded position did not affect his balance when he took five steps back. An adjective like “staggered” or “stumbled” would have been better used. Although the character seemed tough, there is still a matter of inertia that needs to be displaced or a mention of why he could handle the blow with such finesse.

Leoric:

Leoric’s actions were very matter-of-fact. Example:


Adonis finished his leg sweep and smiled when he didn't feel his leg connect. He looked up at his opponent as his foot came crashing down on his shoulder. shortly followed by more kicks bouncing back and forth between each shoulder. Leoric dropped to a knee and quickly shifted his weight to off balance his opponent.
First off, the name “Adonis” made this a confusing open to the post. Maintaining identity is important. A read through would have caught this. For this scene, Leoric developed a second sense. When the leg did not connect, he just knew where to look. I would have understood if there was mention of a past experience or something that indicated his knowledge of what to expect. If one were to have another person vanish entirely, there is really no telling what could happen. Appearing above or behind is the natural assumption, but there should be some inquiry instead of just knowing. Was there a time lag? Was there a noise that cued him in? Zack did shout out loud before contact, but that was not mentioned. With no cue to his actions, it seemed Leoric was just moving with no reason. Also, when the attack made impact, he dropped to a knee and shifted his weight. Leoric had full control while Zack pummeled his shoulders. He shrugged it off as though Zack was weightless and he only weighs ten pounds less than Leoric. If Leoric was 250lbs of pure bulk and muscle or an ability/magic made him tough as a rock, it would have been much more believable. Even with Leoric’s 2x strength, he would have had more repercussions from the blow.

Persona- Zack: 4/10 - Leoric: 3/10
Zack:

Based on some of the actions, Zack is roughly identified as cocky and arrogant. His movements to unintentionally stir the crowd, his speech up until taking a hit, and his witty banter after nearly spitting out his teeth - Zack upheld a personality. During the fight and even afterwards, there was little mention to his feelings towards the brawl or Leoric. There was a snippet of admiration near the close when he asked him to join MizBiz. Otherwise, there was not much mention of anger, shock, stress, anxiety, etc. when reacting to the opponent. Getting insight to all the heart-pounding tension before a hit and reason to even be there helps to create depth and definition to Zack's identity.

Leoric:

It would have been better if the reader knew why he cast aside his weapons in the face of a stranger or felt an anger/dissatisfaction when Zack almost slipped over the edge. There were many opportunities to flesh Leoric out during these actions. There were multiple instances when Leoric smirked and smiled, but there still needed to be more attention given to make his personality stand out. The biggest factor in making the reader see Leoric as a "rough around the edge" bar brawler was his speech. In a fight where speech is typically minimal, other cues will tell the reader what Leoric is thinking and feeling. Examples of this language is a fist tightened with rage, narrow eyes, a scowl after taking a flow, dusting off imaginary debris to taunt, etc. Any of those would create a bigger impact of Leoric’s personality on the reader.


Prose: Zack: 12/30 - Leoric: 11/30

Mechanics- Zack: 4/10 - Leoric: 3.5/10
Zack:

Mechanics have been mentioned repeatedly through this review. While it is a field of its own, it impacts everything else. Punctuation is the blood of any good story. Run on sentences were the biggest contributor to the lower score. Overuse of ellipses, extra commas, and improper quotes all break up the flow and kick the reader out of the fantasy world being created. Here were some things to look out for:


Today however, Zack had found a GP with the image of Santh Til’Garos’ head facing upwards, he had managed to pick up a four leaf clover, and he had somehow acquired an acorn within his pocket. Normally, these three random events would be brushed aside by the boy as coincidences. The fact that all three events related to good luck, however, motivated the boy to take a chance with the Battle Church.
First sentence is a run-on but loosely acceptable. Should have looked more like this.

“Today, however, Zack had found a GP with the image of Santh Til’Garos’ head facing upwards, managed to pick up a four leaf clover, and somehow acquired an acorn within his pocket.”

It still isn’t perfect, but the sentence is held together by the single independent clause with a series of dependent clauses attached. None of the other clauses can exist by themselves and sound correct. The sentence also needs only one opener. Using “Today” or “However” would work better than both, and “today” would have been the better of the two while still conveying it was an unusual occurrence from the norm. The second sentence is not wrong but it does not fit with the tense. If “normally” was removed, it would be a future statement.

“These three random events would be brushed aside by the boy as coincidences.”

With the previous past tense, it does not work, but if the previous sentence was changed like this:

“Zack would find a GP with the image of Santh Til’Garos’ head facing upwards, manage to pick up a four leaf clover, and somehow acquire an acorn within his pocket. These three random events would be brushed aside by the boy as coincidences.”

Then it would make sense, but everything that followed would also have to be future tense. Using past tense words, and dropping “normally” would have made it work:

“These three random events were brushed aside by the boy as coincidences.”

There were other errors throughout the thread that were similar. Mechanics takes time to learn. Many people are guilty of ignoring mechanics, pauses, and tense in real life conversation which makes it easy to transpose that into writing without noticing the impact. Diligence, continued practice, and coaching will improve the use of mechanics.

Leoric:

Read above for information on use of tense and clauses. Similar errors were spotted in the writing as well as improper capitalization.

Here is a sentence with similar flow issues:


At this point he was practically at the fastest speed he could go, without bursting into a jog or sprint. Leoric's eyes were set on his opponent, unwavering, unmoving, he was studying his opponents every move as he got closer.
That first comma is not needed. You do not need a comma to separate an independent clause from a dependent clause when the dependent clause comes afterward. A comma would be needed in the following:

“Without bursting into a jog or sprint, he was practically at the fastest speed he could go.”

It is still not the best example since “practically” is an unneeded adverb. A comma would have also made more sense like so:

“At this point, he was practically at the fastest speed he could go without bursting into a jog or sprint.”

Again, the word “practically” is not needed since you are defining his near-maximum speed with the clause “without bursting into a jog or sprint”.

In this example previously used:


Leoric slid his right foot behind him and closed his eyes for a second. letting the thundering of the crowd permeate his senses, he had paid them no attention when he first entered, they were loving the spectacle going on in front of them.
"Letting" should have been capitalized. There were also multiple occurrences of “I” not being capitalized.

Clarity- Zack: 4/10 - Leoric: 4/10
Both participants:

The various issues in mechanics and tense use hurt clarity here. There was more use of adjectives and adverbs in Zack’s writing which helped earn the upper hand in this field. Clarity is a byproduct of all the above put into one. Occasionally, a piece of writing can be extremely descriptive and explained, but utterly fail in story, pacing, technique, and persona. In this case, more mention of purpose, emotion, use of senses, and writing flow would have helped the reader understand the who, what, why, when, how.

Technique- Zack: 4/10 - Leoric: 3.5/10
Zack:

The style used to explain Zack’s actions was peppy and put off the street fighter vibe. The use of dialogue with the hyphens and using the crowd to paint his personality was a good use of technique. There was minimal presence of foreshadowing, personification, metaphors, similes, and other common skills. The usage of the three good luck charms and technically winning the battle may have been seen as foreshadowing, but it was predictable. It would have been more unusual and unique if he found all those items and did nothing but slip, fall, and stumble the whole battle, yet at the very end, still managed to get Leoric into MizBiz.

The writing would have had more impact with elements like:

“Zack lashed out his electric fury with the swiftness of a viper aimed straight for Leoric’s throat.”

His electricity is personified as his fury, and movements are compared to a viper strike. These colorful elements create a dynamic image for the reader but essentially conveying “Zack punched Leoric in the neck with his electric fist.”

Leoric:

There was an attempt at making Leoric sound like a rock-steady brawler who liked two things: fights and booze. His speech conveyed he was rough and tumble, but that was about the only element. The one scene that would have provided a huge opportunity for his personality was when he started quaking palm.


He stumbled as he stood up straight and stared intently at his opponent, grabbing his leather gloves from his pocket. Leoric widened his stance and pushed both his palms forward, before going in opposite directions out to the side and drawing a circle directly in front of him. As his hands finished the circle in the air a pleasant gust of wind pushed towards Zack as an eruption of dust blew into the air around the perimeter of the arena.

He stumbled backwards to catch his footing. Once he was able to stand upright, his fierce gaze fell upon his teenage opponent. His body became as rigid as stone while he fished a pair of sleeping gloves from his back pocket.

“How about you and I quit playing and start taking this seriously?” he taunted while the gloves tightened on around his hands.

Leoric’s boots slid like ice across the weathered tile into a wide stance. His tired arms rose parallel to the sea of ceramic before they came inward to draw a circle mid-air. His palms came to a stop at the same time an explosive gust of wind roared outward from his body, picking up debris as it went. Some spectators in the stands covered their eyes from the dust, but the vast majority rose to their feet in thunderous applause. Leoric’s roughly shaven face fell into smug smirk before he dropped low and shot forward towards his opponent.

All those descriptors such as sleeping gloves, body becoming rigid as stone, boots sliding like ice, and roaring wind give the same actions so much more impact. Plus, by using the spectators, debris from the arena, description of the tile, etc. the character is partaking in the setting, establishing his presence, and stating “I’m a badass and I will feed you your teeth.”

Using these elements will greatly increase the immersion, excitement, and reality of the battle and command the reader’s attention. Without those elements, the text is no longer a story, but a list of events. Even with those techniques, a story is easily lost when grammar, punctuation, and style aren’t there to carry it. "A sports car is really cool and goes fast, but that doesn’t mean anything if there is no the gas or oil."


Wildcard: Zack: 6/10 - Leoric: 7/10

Zack:

Zack, overall, had a stronger personality presence in the writing. There was an attempt to preface the thread with a reason for being there and usage of Althanas Canon in the type of gold coin he found. I enjoyed the dialogue and the moment of banter between you and the orc. These little things added to who Zack was and how he treated the world.

Leoric:

I wanted so badly for Leoric to shine in this thread. He sounds like such a rugged, laid-back guy in the way he speaks. I really want to see how you grow him from this point on. Make sure you re-read your posts at least once if not twice. So much more points could have been awarded if punctuation, capitalization, and grammar flowed. Because of his potential and unique ball-kicking take down, I gave you the edge.


Final Score: Zack: 46/100 - Leoric: 42/100


Zack Blaze
is the
Winner!


Zack Blaze
Earns 1,500 EXP & 125 G

---

Leoric
Earns 250 EXP & 100 G

I want to say thank you to both of you for the opportunity and selecting me as your judge. I hope the score does not deter you from picking me again in the future. I like both of your characters and their potential dynamic. If you work at some of the things suggested, I would definitely love to see a rematch between the two and see how you’ve grown. If you ever have any questions, feel I was too harsh, disagree with the score, or feel like critiquing my judging style, please PM me. I love feedback of any caliber and I’m ultimately here to serve you, the writers of Althanas.

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.