The little things

[Zarkin]

Where to begin, I have no clue why I act the way I do. But I believe it has something to do with my ex from a year ago. I find it harder to concentrate ever since we broke up. And in the last year we've been apart it seems that she's trying to hurt me even more.

I hate it because she will randomly out of the blue text me and say how much she misses me and then the next thing I know she's got a boyfriend. She's playing with my head, I know this. But there is still a big spot in my heart that wants her back.

I've fallen in a low spot in my life and am seeking help from anyone. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Finding it easier to drown my thoughts in a nice place such as this site, where I actually have people to help me and call my friends (hopefully you all fell the same). And I just need people to talk to I guess, thought I'd man up and show how I really feel for a change.

[Aurelianus Drak'shal]

Love between a man and a woman is the best possible example of the fact all this world's hopes are an absurd delusion and it is so because of the fact that love promises so excessively much and performs so excessively little.

[Zarkin]

Love between a man and a woman is the best possible example of the fact all this world's hopes are an absurd delusion and it is so because of the fact that love promises so excessively much and performs so excessively little.

Exactly my point. And even though it performs little, it has big outcomes to ones life.

[Aurelianus Drak'shal]

I'm just sharing a quote from a book I read recently.

EDIT: previous comment removed. These were not my actual views on the matter, and were doubtless unhelpful to anyone taking them seriously. Apologies.

[Amber Eyes]

This probably isn't going to make you feel much better but it is the truth. Some girls need a safety net to make themselves feel good. This girl doesn't want to be with you, but when she isn't dating anyone and starts to feel like crap about herself she turns to you to boost her ego. As long as you continue to feed her behavior I.E. let her think you are waiting in the wings, she will use you for that boost between guys. This is very much the same reason women who are married look outside the marriage for attention. When men cheat it is usually about a sexual need that isn't being fulfilled, when women cheat it is usually to fill an emotional need they aren't getting filled at home. For a single girl it is a lot easier, this is what guys love to refer to as the 'friend zone'. It's all about the woman's ego. So long as she isn't with you she has the power. I'm not saying this is for sure what is going on, but it sounds like it to me.

My advice, stop feeding into it and move on with your life. She has much bigger issues she needs to deal with. I'm not sure how old you are, but especially if you are young, focus on the things you enjoy. There will eventually be a girl who enjoys them too. And hopefully she won't be someone who needs her ego stroked quite as much as your ex.

[Aurelianus Drak'shal]

Amen to that.

I've had more than my fair share of chits screwing me over to boost their egos, and trust me - if you fulfill that need even once, you're on their hooks and they will castrate you repeatedly, for their own gratification.

Get yourself sorted, ignore her, move on, etc.

Apparently, you'll eventually find someone that will treat you right. Or so they keep telling me.

[Zarkin]

@AmberEyes you make a great point. I think your advise will go a long way with helping me. To which I say thank you.

@Aure these are some great points though. I thank you for at least making an effort in somewhat helping me, heh.

[Lye]

Or you can take my route. Numb yourself.

Realize the futility of emotions and their overcomplicated, painful nature. Emotions are a detriment to your self preservation instincts. They can and will kill you. Those that know rage lose their minds and die in a jail cell or by the hands of the law. Those that know sadness bite their own ribbons of life through suicide. Those that know happiness are blind and know only a world of ignorance. These are poisons of the mind and to truly know what it is to live is to know yourself and accept it.

Understand the truth:

There is only one person that can control the way you think and feel - you.

You are the only one that can make yourself feel right. When you are angry, you let yourself feel that burn and fire. When you are sad, you let yourself feel that weight and emptiness. When you are happy, you are letting yourself act jubilant and carefree. You choose how you react to the environment. In this truth, you realize that others are powerless against you as you are powerless to them.

Just to share that i'm not talking out of my ass, I have failed suicide twice. My second attempt was a damn good one and it took effort to keep my heart beating. Those emotions that drove me to that point were simply figments of my imagination in reaction to unfortunate events such as loss, bullying, and many other insignificant variables. The only true strength is your willpower and self fortitude. If you let others under your skin and break you apart, you need to realize what you are letting them do and stop it.

Women are fickle creatures that embody emotion and irrational thought. Even they will admit they find it hard to explain their feelings and actions. Men are hunters. We use logic and facts. We have control over what we feel and what we do, and that is why nature made us the hunters in the first place.

As much as I know the pain you are feeling, let it go. Kick her to the curb and be selfish. Do what you want to do when you want to do it. Remember that you are a survivalist and she is affecting your ability to live. Don't let her do that, she has no right and no power over you.

I'll let it stop here. I'm very passionate when it comes to these topics...

[Aurelianus Drak'shal]

Those that know rage lose their minds and die in a jail cell or by the hands of the law. Those that know sadness bite their own ribbons of life through suicide. Those that know happiness are blind and know only a world of ignorance.

I could not disagree with you more.

I have anger management issues, my brother has diagnosed severe anger management issues, as do both my parents. None of them have wound up in jail, and none of them have lost their minds.

I also have bipolar disorder, and have never attempted suicide (and if you knew any of my circumstances, you would realise how much of an achievement that really is). My uncle's partner committed suicide, leaving him to find her body and raise two kids alone - he has not killed himself. A vast majority of my friends are diagnosed depressives, and again; none of them have taken their own lives.

This is because we accept the fact we feel this way.

The problem isn't *knowing* these emotions - the problem is giving in to despair when you feel them. We cannot control what we feel. To even think it is folly. They are emotions - we do not choose what makes us happy, we do not choose what makes us sad, we do not choose what makes us angry. We simply experience these emotions when the stimuli are appropriate for each of us. There is no rationality or logic applicable to what we feel: What makes one person feel like being sick will make another laugh hysterically. What makes one person weep will make another angry. We can control (to a greater degree, at any rate) what we think, but not our emotions.


We have control over what we feel and what we do, and that is why nature made us the hunters in the first place.

As I said above, this is simply not the case. Nature made us hunters, because of attributing environmental factors and a developing of our cognitive faculties. In nature, predators don't show emotion - have you ever seen a leopard cry when it takes down an antelope? Feelings have nothing to do with our former position as hunter-gatherers.

Quite the opposite. The reason we aren't hunters anymore, that we don't hunt each other like animals is emotion, is empathy. Predators utilise instinct, not their feelings.

If one were to feel no emotion, and be able to function despite this, then that's setting foot on the border of sociopathy. Everyone is, at some point or another, at the mercy of their emotions. Everyone has stubbed their toe and swore at the offending coffee table; or seen a dead puppy and felt sad, or ill, et cetera, et cetera. Emotions are our natural way of dealing with any number of variables, and speaking from an evolutionary viewpoint, are the main things that separate us from animals. Empathy, the knowing of how someone else feels, helps us understand people, and more to the point, ourselves. There is nothing to gain from deadening them to sensation. That leads simply to a hollow existence devoid of any worthy sensation to mark the fact you are alive.

I do, however, agree with you that the key to some form of control over your life is willpower.

Embrace the emotions that come to you, and learn from them. If you just try to switch off, eventually, everything bottled up will break free and tear through you - I have experienced this more than once, and never has it done me any favours.

You simply have to explore the impact these emotions have on you, and understand how better to cope with what they throw at you. Over time, you learn how to control them better, and lessen the effects they have on you; not killing them off, as Lye suggests, but learning how to prevent them dominating your life. I still get horribly depressed and in fact am currently going through a particularly rough time at the moment. But the fact is I'm used to feeling this way, and have learned over the years how to function despite it.

This is what I believe Zarkin might need to learn to do.

It's not easy, it's not fun. But I firmly believe it is necessary.

And, as my final note -

The fact you're dealing with these unpleasant, negative emotions right now is, whether you choose to believe it or not, a good thing for you. It's a simple truth; without the bad times to act as a contrast, the good times in our life would be utterly meaningless. The fact of the matter is everything is about balance.

There is no good without bad. There is no happy without sad.

Feeling the way you are (for whatever reason: girl troubles, deaths in the family.. the list is endless) means that when you finally overcome these emotions, then the good times that follow will be all the sweeter for it.

EDIT: and, as a final final note, just keep this little mantra in mind whenever you feel shitty.


Endure. In enduring grow strong.


Also, I apologise is the tone of this post came across as overly hostile, or argumentative. That is not my intent.

[Warpath]

I agree with Aure's point above, but would amend it slightly: you're a human being and you're going to feel things you don't want to, but be aware of what you're encouraging in yourself.

I just read a study that basically says the worst thing you can do when you're an angry person is "vent." For example, let's say somebody pisses you off so in the interest of not "bottling it up" you go off on them yelling and screaming, and that makes you feel better. You did it wrong. First off, "bottling up" your emotions is bullshit. You can't stop yourself from feeling something, and refraining from acting rashly on those feelings does not cause you physical or mental harm. Second, when you yell at someone you are putting your feelings above theirs and essentially saying that their feelings and motivations matter less than yours. And when you feel better about acting like a child who matters more than the people around you, you haven't "purged" the emotion at all - you've just made yourself feel better at the expense of others, and in doing so have encouraged yourself to do it again later.

I posit that this extends to all forms of acting out due to how you feel.

What I'm saying sort of ties together what I think everybody else is saying here. You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you act about it, which I suspect is what Lye is getting at. The only people who get to feel bad and then take it out on other people are children, that's how parents know what their offspring need. There comes a point when you have to start taking care of yourself though, physically and mentally, and that means that your problems aren't anybody else's problems. That isn't to say you can't ask for help - no one person can always do everything, nobody is a self-made wo/man - but nobody is obligated to do or feel anything different just because you do. You acknowledge that you feel like shit, you find the reasons you feel like shit, and you do your best to correct them in a responsible way with the knowledge that most of these things aren't correctable and you're just going to have to go on feeling like shit until you don't anymore. Aure's quote is also one of my favorites - you endure, because in doing so it's easier to deal with the same feelings later. If you let yourself rage or mope or otherwise act out, you're no more capable of dealing with your anger or your depression later. Or you've just given yourself a temporary pass on dealing with a persistent problem.

As to your specific case, I sort of agree with Amber Eyes and I sort of don't. I think she's right about what's going on with your ladyfriend based on what you've said, but I think the best thing you can actually do is acknowledge that the way she feels is pretty legit, but the way she's making YOU feel is not. There's nothing inherently wrong about having low self esteem. Dude, I don't think I've gone more than a week at a time without thinking about offing myself, since I was 11. One of my earliest memories of self-awareness is when I was maybe seven or eight, and for some reason that day I looked in the mirror and decided that I was ugly. It makes me feel like doing and saying stupid things, and it makes me project ridiculous thoughts and motivations on other people. But what I don't do is look to other people to alleviate those feelings, because I'm an adult.

So yeah. Don't hate her for hurting you, because she's hurting you because she's hurting, if that makes sense. Yeah, it's not fair, but she doesn't realize that's what she's doing, she's just looking for an out just the same as you are right now. Acknowledge it, respect it as a part of the human condition, and put some distance between you. The next time she comes to you for a self-esteem boost, get her on the phone and let her know how that makes you feel, because you're both old enough to deal with this stuff like adults. And I'm not saying accuse her, I'm saying tell her what you see happening, because she probably doesn't see it herself.

And then move on. There's always something else to experience, especially when you feel like you've seen it all, and the point is to learn something and get a little better as a result.

The world doesn't care who you are or how you feel. That's your job alone. The world wants to know what you can do for it, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Zarkin]

Thank you all for your support. I am regaining myself through reading these. And I also have bipolar disorder and have anger management disorders. I think that some of my outbursts also lead to people hating me. But then again I can't help it, which they don't understand. Can I have some advise on how to hopefully set things straight?

[Warpath]

This is going to sound harsh cuz it really is, but it's something I wish I'd taken to heart earlier than I did:

It's not anybody's job to understand, it's your job to "help it." If you've made people hate you by treating them like shit, you've burned that bridge and it's done. Unless you can sincerely promise the people you've hurt that it won't happen again, they're kinda better off without you.

I wouldn't normally tell somebody that, but you asked and it seems like you want to know how to improve. I don't know you, but from what you've said, it sounds like you need to look within instead of without.

[Aurelianus Drak'shal]

I have to agree with Warpath.

He's pretty much hit the nail on the head there. And, despite sounding harsh, it's sound advice.

[Zarkin]

I forgot to add in that the reason I go off on them is because they just piss me off because they think it's funny. Which is down right cruel to me. And I want to be the bigger person but everytime I try they act like fucking children and just piss me off before I can get to apologizing.

And I think you misunderstood when I said they don't understand. What I meant was that they don't understand that I cannot control it most of the time. They know i have the disorders the just choose to see how pissed I can get before getting out of control. If you understood that was what I meant then my bad. Sorry.

[Amber Eyes]

Here's the thing, all you can do is talk to these people, calmly explain what you are going through and tell them straight up that you can't handle the jokes. One of two things will happen-

1. They don't care- guess what, these people were never friends, and all you can really do is ignore them. There are assholes in the word, it sucks but it is true. They aren't going to stop and you can't let that define you.

2. They will try- And you have to try too. Learn to see when you are losing it and see what can stop it. If you can't do it alone then seek some help. Just remember, even if they do care about you they shouldn't have to live in fear of you going off because they went a tad to far.

And I agree with what Warpath said on the girl situation. It isn't all her fault. I know that type of girl because that was always me. I've done that to boys since I was old enough to realize that I like them. It wasn't ever intentional, and honestly when I was younger I had no idea it was even happening. Now I see it, and I feel like crap because I had guys who missed out on a lot of possibilities because they thought that one day I'd come around. I'm not saying she is a horrible person, but you shouldn't hold your breath that she is going to change any time soon. We all have our demons. Any anger that I might have seemed to have towards her behavior is directed firmly at myself, so please don't take it as I think she's terrible.

[Atzar]

Regarding the girlfriend:

If you phone has the capability, block her number so you don't receive her texts. I don't get the sense that you have a healthy relationship with her, so you don't need it. Similarly, delete her from Facebook and whatever other networking sites you use. This isn't being petty; it's creating space and closure. Clean breakups allow healing. Messy breakups fester. So let her take care of herself; you do you.

Regarding the anger:

Find a healthy way to deal with it. That's a vague answer because the best way to do it depends on you. Blasting your pent-up emotions at unwilling listeners isn't a good answer. Find a better way. Mental activity or non-destructive physical activity are both solid options. Playing pool is a favorite release of mine; it requires calm, cool, rational thought and allows you to approach your feelings and problems when you've had time to screw your head on straight. If healthy outlets don't seem to be helping, it might be time to consider professional advice/therapy.

[Zarkin]

I usually wrestle my aggression out. But doesnt always work. I appreciate you trying to help though.

[Atzar]

I usually wrestle my aggression out. But doesnt always work. I appreciate you trying to help though.

I don't think wrestling falls into the 'non-destructive' category. It may just create more aggression and hostility. I was suggesting activities more positive in nature.

[Zarkin]

Idk I may get pissed off about losing a match. But I always get my revenge by winning sooner or later. It helps me more than youd think. Not saying you're wrong or anything. Its just a thought. But enough of what I think. What do you suggest?