Bound in Chains, Torn by Grief-Ongoing

[Prophet]

We all know the workshop guidelines bit. So, ill skip that. Anyways, this is between sei and I. Credit to Elthas for all the writing help ive gotten from him.

Well, i mostly need tips on how to change and improve my writing style. I sorta ran out of people, in that last line of the first post so. You get the point.

Link is here. And just so you know. It's short. So far. If this link does not work. It's in corone. (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25889-Bound-in-Chains-Torn-by-Grief)

[Ashla]

Okay then, here we go... Sorry if this comes off as being rough; I do like this story, however...

At first, I couldn't tell where you were at all? Maybe the citadel? But then when the writing took us to the woods I was able to see where the story was taking place rather well. I also caught some grammar mistakes like "a d" which was meant to be "and" and "i" not being capitalized. And you could have stated in the writing process of how he had lost his memory and had few belongings, instead of putting it in an an OOC note.
However, I really liked the way that descriptions were made like in the sentences, "His eyes, or the flames that licked his eye sockets, burning bright with fury. His hands moved slightly and the firestorm shifted into a form of swirling flame, encompassing the entrances to the area. But a jet of water burst forth and a man steeped through." and, "He dreamt of fire. Flicking light, burning, consuming, yet paving the way for new life. The lifeblood. The heart of the worlds. The stars." And the overall story is nicely paced.

I think that the grammar needs the most work; more details could be put in here and there as well. Of course, I have the same details issue, so I'm totally with you on that part! When I'm typing quickly I do tend to make mistakes, but I also make sure I re-read and edit the posts I make and fix mistakes. I don't know if you do that, but editing your posts is a good suggestion I can make. Once again, I'm sorry if this seems a little rough cause I do like this story a lot; however, as far as the grammar goes, there could be some improvement. Other than the things I listed above though, this thread is really good!

[J.M. Vallix]

I do when I get to a computer, but rarely when I use my phone. I'll try to do it more.

Thanks BlueGhost.

[Amber Eyes]

I'm just going to point out a few things I noticed.


The world had began so long ago when dust coalesced. And when we started existing.

Kyle walked up to the bar, his staff tapping slowly on the floor. Heading towards the chairs.



In both of these lines you have a fragment. You do this several times, just make sure each sentence has a subject and verb. Sometimes people do this on purpose and if that was your intent then just watch how often you are doing it.



He read the letter of dismissal with a heavy heart. The Time's Troop, was his life. He only had one other thing. And that was Arcanium. He whistled loudly, and a falcon dove through an open window, shifting into human form to accommodate himself.

Take a look at your second sentence, that comma is unnecessary and causes the reader to pause. The third sentence and fourth sentence should also be combined to get rid of the fragment in the second. Something like "The Time's troop was his life. He had only one other thing, the Arcanium."



He cursed as Falcon came in. "You need to use doors. Falcons. Tend to be, frowned upon." He frowned and pulled out a letter.

Here you should consider turning the three separate parts into one sentence. "You need to use the doors, falcon's tend to be frowned upon."


Falcon rolled his eyes and held out his hand, and was given a letter, sealed with Kyle's emblem. He walked out and a fae sounded as he shifted form and flew off.

Time passed, and the Magyk expanded, forming in different ways.

He walked out, and slowly allowed a wave of heat to flow out from him, warming the air around his body, and drying off the water from his suit.

The grey area. Not huge, but it had some promise, like the remarkable Jensen, Immortal Rogue.

Kyle walked for what seemed like forever, and ended at a small rickety shack.


Whenever you finish a post try to look by and see if you are using any one word too often. In this case you use walking three times within a very short period of time. Try using synonyms to give the reader some variety.

I think this could turn out to be an interesting thread. Most of your issues are simple mechanics (something I struggle with myself) but you have a lot of potential.

[Max Dirks]

Don't forget basic grammar and capitalization.

If you're typing from a phone or a tablet I know that can be hard, but it'll add legitimacy to your writing.

[Brand]

Thanks for the tips everyone, I'll take it as well as I can. Just got myself a Bluetooth keyboard, so, posts should improve.