'Drink With Me' ongoing workshop

[Breaker]

This thread (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?23953-Drink-With-Me) is an old solo between two of my accounts which I was working on before I got involved in so many other projects. Since I probably won't get a chance to finish this over the next little while, I figured I'd throw it up for commentary in the meantime.

There's three things I'd like to ask for anyone reading to focus on, and those are storyline, character development, and my portrayal of "vampyres" as a race (not whether it suits prior conceptions of them, but whether they are interesting/effective as portrayed). I'm open to commentary on pretty much anything though, I like to try new tools and devices as I'm working on stuff so hit me with your favorite techniques!

[Otto]

Okie doke, I've just finished reading it. And it's good! I really liked it. I'll just mention that it could do with a good dose of editing to tidy up all the grammatical errors, but as that's not what you really want to focus on here, I'll leave it at that.

Now... in all honesty, I'm not too sure if I can offer any concrete advice on how to actually improve the thread, but I have some points I think would be worth discussing:


Do you think it would be better not to mention the coffin/cabin's contents explicitly, or at least, not so early in the thread? Of course the reader will be suspicious, but if they can't quite put their finger on what is wrong, as such, you might strengthen the sense of unease it provides.
On that subject, you might be able to do more with Phyr's little escapade in the forest. I like the grassroots style of vampyre here, a sort of single-minded nocturnal predator, and reckon it lends itself very well to the horror aspect that seems evident here. Perhaps you could give that 'oh shit' moment a bit more oomph, and ramp up the cat-and-mouse dynamic.
I didn't exactly warm to the two kids. Sure, the other guy was a twerp, but he was just responding in kind. Rewarding the twins with ample food and the like rankles a bit. I dunno, though. Maybe I'm just being a grumpy sod.


I might think of something later, after I sleep on it. I'll let you know. So, thoughts?