League A (Division 2): Amber Eyes v. Sanste

[Max Dirks]

Battle at your leisure folks. This thread must be completed by January 9th, 2014 at 12:00 AM EST. If you finish early, please submit it for judging per usual.

[Amber Eyes]

She entered the doorway, her eyes struggling to adjust to the dim lighting. The hall outside had been bright and cheery and now everything was dark. The mystic conjured a dagger in her right hand, the shadows flowing easily from her limb, and walked forward.

The door slammed with a loud bang and she jumped. The grass was overgrown, weeds filling in the few patches where it struggled to grow. Mounds of dirt were spread randomly about the area, some barely there and some freshly piled. She stepped delicately over them, bouncing around as she surveyed the area. Each was topped with a stone marker. The wind whistled through the trees above, and the girl’s heart began to beat faster. She walked to the closest marker and knelt before it, rubbing her fingers along the weathered stone


Here lies Geoff Harding.

Father, Lover, Friend.

She didn’t know why the stone tugged at her so. Mystics were buried within the temple walls when the met their end. Their bodies added to the powers of the place, moving the mystic race forward. In this way they were never really gone, their magic would live on through each and every future generation who tapped into it. This stone, this pile of dirt beneath her feet, it all just seemed so final.

A chill ran through her and Kyla stood, looking up to the gloomy night sky. Moonlight shone through the trees, not quite making it to the ground below. She flicked her wrist, eager to see if someone stood waiting for her. Suddenly the night sky was bright with explosions, reds and greens and yellows streaming into the darkness.

She smiled.

[Sanste]

Sorry for taking so long to reply. Anyways, Sanste would like to request a match of some type of game. I believe you said hide and seek might be a good one. If there is any problems with my post or things I could improve on, please let me know.

Ever since the battle with Lye, Sanste decided to become stronger so he would never have to be so helpless. As if to help him, a man had approached the teenager sooner after the match with an offer to join a battle league. The stranger had promised that this new great league system would find people his level to practice against. However, the notice that just arrived was anything but what the man promised.

“Kyla Orlouge vs. Sanste”

Not only was she famous and beautiful, the mystic was also extremely powerful. Sure the tales might have been inflated but still, she was way out of his league. To make matters worst, Arix was still repairing itself and would not be able to assist him with either advice or fighting.

“Why does it feel like I got tricked?” Sanste asked himself as he walked to the league office to check if there had been a mistake. When the young golem crafter arrived at the printed address, he gave another sigh. “Seriously, how dare they give me the notice right before the match and then have their office be closed for the weekend. I'm sure I'm not the only person with questions.”

Sanste dragged his heavy feet to the citadel as his brain raced trying to figure out some way to do something against the mighty mystic. He did not want the match between Lye and him to repeat itself again. The agony of losing his closest friend and being so helpless to prevent it still remained fresh in his mind.

Stepping through the portal, Sanste waited for his eyes to adjust to the dark world he found himself in. Apparently, he had landed in the middle of a graveyard at night. Gravestones dotted the field as far as the eye could see, only broken by the jagged shape of a temple to his right. In front of him, the monks seem to have attempted some dark sense of humor by labeling the gravestones with the names of his family. His father, mother, grandparents, and even his aunt for some reason had their names written down complete with dates for birth and death. The teenager couldn't hold back a shiver as he reminded himself that this was not real. His parents weren't dead after all and the one grandparent that had died... Well, somehow they must have looked up the date to get it right. But he couldn't help but feel a chill as he read the gravestone behind him:


Sanste
Born: ...
Died: ...

Like the other gravestones, the dates were in the future which gave him some relief but the boy still could not push the chilling thoughts out of his mind.

“Think! You have a match. Maybe Mrs. Orlouge will be open to some other form of a fight instead of an all out fight,” Sanste said out aloud trying shift his thought sequence. “Maybe a bet of hide and seek with the golems I could make. Or some type of card or dice game. I guess riddles might also work...”

Sanste finally arrived at the temple. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the doors open hoping to not instantly die to some powerful attack.

[Amber Eyes]

In the bright light the mystic saw a pristine white building. She followed the stone pathway leading up to it, her feet clicking against the cobblestone. The cool wind sent a shiver up her spine as she reached for the brass knob, stepping inside as the door opened. The room was large, pews set up every few feet, leading the way toward an alter. Trinkets and offerings to the various Thaynes were strewn about, left by desperate villagers eager to prove their devotion to those who turned the tides.

Kyla stepped upon a gold carpet that flowed down the center aisle toward the raised platform that held the statues of the Thaynes. All seven were pictured, seeming locked in a battle over their creation. She made her way toward the monument, running her fingers upon the smooth wooden pew ends. As she reached the alter she paused, taking a moment and looking at the trinkets. There were handwritten pleas for help and offerings of coins and jewelry. Swords were dropped, as though some had chosen to stop defending themselves and instead turned their fates to the deities.

The mystic turned her face upwards to take in the statues, her eyes immediately drawn to the statue of Jomil. She had seen her likeness before, but something here seemed different. Somehow Kyla felt a presence that she'd never noticed before. She was just about to investigate further when a gust of air reached her skin. The mystic had almost forgotten she was expecting an opponent. She turned just in time to watch him enter, a teenager from the looks of it. Kyla wasn't sure if competitors were getting younger or if she were just getting older but facing kids seemed to be the general trend in this round of the leagues. Cool shadows pooled to her hand, but Kyla made no other movement. "You there," Her voice was demanding as she stood before the Gods. "Have you come to fight?"

She didn't wait for an answer, instead she stepped down from her perch, still speaking. "If its all the same to you I'd prefer to leave the hallowed ground before spilling any blood."

[Sanste]

Sorry for taking so long.

Sanste pushed the heavy wooden doors open as his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest. A gust of wind accompanied his appearance blowing into the room. The teenager almost jumped with surprise at seeing his beautiful yet very deadly opponent. She had been studying the statues but now glared at Sanste while energy seemed to fill the air around her.

"You there," Her voice was demanding as she stood before the Gods. "Have you come to fight?" She didn't wait for an answer, instead she stepped down from her perch, still speaking. "If its all the same to you I'd prefer to leave the hallowed ground before spilling any blood."

“Yes, my name is Sanste, the opponent the league assigned,” Sanste's replied tumbled out in a mess due to nervousness. Taking a deep breath, the teenage continued, “The league official promised me an opponent my level but seems like there has been a mix up or something. Unfortunately, I don't think they have time to change it so I guess we will just have to battle. However, I'm no match for a beautiful, legendary mystic as yourself so would you prefer to play a game to settle the match?”

“I'm a golem crafter so we could play some interesting games with them if you would like such as hide and seek, football, obstacle course, battle with them. Or would a more traditional game like cards or dice be more interesting to you?”

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla eyed the stranger carefully, the shadows within her tingling at the ready in case it was a trick. The boy was skinny, much like Akiv since his latest growth spurt and his eyes were serious. The mystic relaxed her stance and walked toward the teen, allowing the shadows to settle into her. "Sanste huh?" Her eyes sparkled at the question. "And what pray tell is a boy like you doing in a League?" She continued quickly without giving the boy a chance to answer. "I swear my opponents seem to get younger and younger, or perhaps I'm just beginning to show my age."

Kyla reached the boy, whose pale skin seemed so light next to his messy black hair. She glanced over him once more, finally satisfied that there was no trick. "Golems huh?" A grin lit her face as she paused for him to confirm, "Lets see if they're good enough to find me."

With that Kyla took a single step and disappeared, shadow stepping through the church and into the cemetery beyond the sacred walls. Her pales skin shone ever so slightly in the moonlight just behind a large oak steps from the door. A smile graced her lips as she waited for the boy to make his move.

[Sanste]

Sanste breathed a sigh of relief when the shadowy aura faded around the mighty mystic. “Maybe I have a chance, if she will accept,” he thought as he waited to hear what Kyla would say.

"Sanste huh?" Her eyes sparkled at the question. "And what pray tell is a boy like you doing in a League?" She continued quickly without giving the boy a chance to answer. "I swear my opponents seem to get younger and younger, or perhaps I'm just beginning to show my age."*

“I'm just trying to become stronger after realizing how weak I am. A single assassin managed to disable me and kill my best friend and barely took any damage, ” Sanste was about to reply but was interrupted as the mystic continued.

Kyla came close to Sanste and seemed to study him as if to see if he was any threat. Under her observation, the boy couldn't help but think how far apart his mastery of golem crafting was compared to her control over the magical mystic heritage.

"Golems huh?" A grin lit her face as she paused for him to confirm, "Lets see if they're good enough to find me." Right after, the mystic disappeared with a single step and a shadow that rapidly moved through the church and outside to the graveyard that Sanste had just came from.

“Well, I guess she likes the idea of hide and seek. Let's hope I can win or at least keep her entertained,” Sanste said as he stepped outside into the graveyard. “I guess the best way is to create some golems that can see so I can cover more area.”

Within a few minutes, two small humanoid golems took shape. Roughly made of dirt, they wouldn't win any prizes at an Earthrend fair but they should do. They had 2 legs, a body, 2 arms, and a single large eye. A second eye, nose, ears, and other stuff seemed unnecessary since it was just “hide and seek” or so Sanste thought as he started exploring around the entrance with the two golems. The gravestones probably wouldn't hide a person so Sanste decided to head for a nearby tree and sent one of his golem to explore a bunch of fallen rumble right on the outside of the temple. The other golem headed back to explore the inside of the temple in case the mystic had tried to trick him and stayed inside.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla crouched silently behind the trunk of the tree, hidden in the cool shadows. A shiver ran up her spine as the teen appeared in the doorway, making quick work of forming two odd-looking golems. It was a neat trick and nearly cost the mystic her cover as she attempted to watch the creatures move about. They were small, human-like and yet incomplete, something about that bothered Kyla but she did her best to swallow the feeling. She was playing a game here, and these thoughtless creatures didn't need her sympathy.

One of the newly born figures re-entered the church, bringing a grin to the Mystic's face. Why hadn't she thought to hide in there? Ah well, what was done was done. As the door closed Kyla wished she could watch the creature move through the hall, surely it would refrain from doing any damage to the sacred place.

The mystic refocused her attention on the boy, who was heading in her direction. The second golem broke off on his own to search elsewhere, heading toward a large pile of stones that seemed to have once been a statue in honor of the Goddess N'Jal. He was wasting his time, if he was in fact a he. Kyla wouldn't touch an alter to N'Jal if her life hung in the balance.

The mystic looked to the sky, sending off a set of glorious fireworks, green and blue orbs lighting up the sky in quick succession on the other side of the graveyard. For good measure she focused on a tree near the gate, rocking its branches until one fell, its boom echoing through the area. Kyla didn't dare look back, but hoped that she had bought herself a few moments with the distraction.

[Sanste]

A wind blew through the graveyard creating a chilling sound as it brushed passed the endless rows of stones. As Sanste headed towards the large dead tree, his attention was disrupted by the colorful fireworks behind him. Turning, he quickly tried to figure out what was happening. “Is she on the other side? No way, that would take inhuman speed. And why would she reveal her location....Ugh! I think I got tricked, she must be trying to distract me!” The boy quickly looked back at the graveyard trying to catch a glimpse of any movement.

Boom! A heavy branch fell from another tree causing Sanste to run to it hoping that his opponent had just tried to slip away. Finding nothing, the boy could only curse at himself. “Stupid me! Of course my opponent would never be so careless. I must have been closer before and so she wanted me to run this way.”

“Well, if she was there, she must still be out in the graveyard. The golem around the building would have probably detected her if she tried to go back in. Sigh, I didn't want to do this since it puts a lot of mental strain on me but I think I need another pair of eyes,” Sanste thought to himself as he sat down to produce two more golems. In the meanwhile, the golem inside the citadel took a guarding position just inside the building and the other golem stopped exploring the rumble and headed to Sanste's original target to check.

---

Sanste finished crafting just as the golem checked the tree. There was a small indent that appeared to be a footprint. “Damn! I was fooled,” the boy thought to himself as he stood up and activated the golems. Instantly, his brain started aching from the sheer amount of information being transmitted. Groaning, Sanste forced himself to start exploring the area with the golem splitting up to cover more ground. “I guess four is my limit given that I have to monitor the sensory feedback instead of just controlling them... Ouch! I better find the mystic quickly or I'll pass out from mental exhaustion at this rate.”

Sanste keep the one golem guarding the entrance of the citadel. Two of them would explore the trees nearby the one that Kyla had hidden behind. The final golem would head for that small caretaker's hut that Sanste noticed on his way to the temple. As for himself, Sanste started his unsteady walk towards the wall and gate that apparently separated the rich from the poor. Well, at least that's what it seemed since the gravestones on the other side were all marble and were more spaced out.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla watched as the boy rush across the tombstone ridden field, his feet barely making sound against the grass as he ran. A giggle rose up in her chest and she fought hard to keep it down. The look on his face when he realized the trick threatened to send her over the edge so Kyla forced herself to stare at the brown paper like leaves that littered her hiding spot. The girl moved from a crouch, allowing her legs so rest as she settled her butt upon the ground. She quickly formed a dagger out of shadows, its icy hilt giving her something to focus on. She dug the blade into the tree time after time, leaving behind markings that seemed to belong here in this place of death.

As she finished Kyla allowed the blade to dissipate, the shadows returning to her veins. She used the palm of her hand to wipe away the stubborn bark her knife had loosened and then satisfied turned her attention back to the game. She had lost sight of the teenager, but there was a clear view of both of his golems. One stood guard at the church entrance while the other made its way slowly toward her direction. Kyla leaned around the tree, finally spotting Sanste heading toward another section of the cemetery. She smiled just as one of the creatures rounded the tree, catching the mystic in plain sight.

Kyla quickly turned, counting the creatures. Of course there weren't just two. The mystic let out a small laugh as she called out to the teen. "It seems I've been caught!"

[Sanste]

Pictures flew through Sanste's head at a sickening speed. Dead trees, tombstones, a shed, gate, mystic, more tombstones. “Wait!!! Was that Mrs. Kyla?” Sanste stopped as he tried to better filter through the information. “Nope, not that golem. Not this one either.... Quickly!!! There, it's the one by the tree!”

“Great, the golem can't speak... I should have made a mouth. Guess I'll have to go over their myself,” the boy thought to himself as he stumbled over a gravestone. “Ouch! I guess it's like my father said. It takes years of practice specifically working with multiple golems to be able to properly handle them. Damn! I always just used one or two.”

Sanste commanded the golem near the mystic to try and keep track while the others would surround the area in case she tried to flee. However, the plans changed slightly a second after when the golem crafter tripped over another gravestone. “Ugh, can't keep track of all this stuff. Fine! I'll deactivate the one by the building and just leave it there at the entrance. Maybe the mystic will think it's still guarding if she does try to escape that way.”

With an ever increasing headache and sore body, Sanste made his way the best he could through the narrow rows of stones towards where he had saw the mystic.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla smiled, reaching down and patting the golem on the head. She wasn't quite sure if the creature was sentient or not, but better safe than sorry. The mystic made her way out of the brush that surrounded her hiding spot, heading to meet Sanste half-way.

His golems had found her all right, as much as she hated to admit it, the younger entrants in the tournament had different techniques than she'd ever seen before. Give them a few years and tournaments around Althanas would become pretty interesting.

The mystic had just spotted the teen eagerly heading her way when the trees around her began to fade. The world around her began to turn white, typical of the Ai'Bron magic dying down when one wasn't killed in combat. The mystic smiled and called out to the emptiness, hoping that Sanste could still hear her. "Looks like you've won kid, I hope we meet again."

[Lye]

Thread Title: League A (Division 2): Amber Eyes v. Sanste (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26281)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Amber Eyes vs Sanste



Plot: 14 --- 15

Story- 4/10---5/10
Sanste came out strong with the ties to his reason and purpose for being in the battle. This nearly became absent as the game progressed. Hide and seek was a weak premise for any form of competitive event, especially one spanning several posts.

Amber attempted at story with mentions to different Thaynes and some hint towards being a mystic. There also was a touch on her past experiences with younger opponents. Out of the two, her reason for being there and her sense of purpose in the story was weaker. To improve, both could have fleshed out ties to the reason or drive that has them competing in the citadel.

Setting- 5/10---6/10
Sanste used the dirt for his golems, and the use of his family being tied to the gravestones earned him higher marks. It took the setting Amber laid out and built upon it. Sanste also took a tactical approach on how to find Kyla, which included the typical places to search, and the more unorthodox locations such as back where she came from. Amber struggled with the hiding role, but did use the tree branch as a decoy. It would have been stronger if Kyla would have used her ability to teleport in the shadows to keep the seeking aspect unique. Sanste used several repetative adjectives which could have varied to paint a better scene. Overused words were "chilling", "chill", and "building".

Amber can strengthen her setting by removing mentions of "seemed". It was used three times for situations that either could have been elaborated upon to give the reader an uncertainty via description, or stated plainly as a fact. "...whose pale skin seemed so light compared to his dark hair..." The observation of pale skin to dark hair can be made without without forcing the uncertainty with "seemed". The fireworks also added a curiosity as to why they existed which was never explained.

Pacing- 5/10---4/10
Sanste's weak point is repeating previous dialogue near verbatim. As a reader, the repeat in dialogue destroys the illusion of the story's alternate world by triggering a nostalgia to recent events. It forces a backtrack that destroys the flow. The straight forward manner of thought and thinking out loud also flattened his character and dragged the posts out. To build upon this, consider more interesting approaches to dialogue or indirect manners of conveying an idea. Instead of, "She tricked me!" try "'There's no way she would...' the boy began, stopped by the realization of the ploy. His eyes narrowed in suspicion, and he offered a grin to his opponent's successful maneuver." It holds the same meaning to the reader, but the deliver is much more captivating. The reader has to keep reading to know what is going on in the scene - it pulls them in.

Amber's writing lacked progression, and aside from the few tactical maneuvers to fool the boy, it also recapped his previous actions. This was not entirely self-defeating, but if paired with more immediate reaction by Kyla, it would have been stronger. Understanding that a longer battle may not have met the deadline, her skills could have flourished more to really make Sanste struggle on the hunt. There could have been a better build of tension using more action - even in a game of hide and seek.



Character: 17 --- 13

Communication- 6/10---4/10
Amber used dialogue very little through the thread, but where she did use it, there was an essence of personality in the tone. The body language also helped to convey certain traits to the reader. The scene of her sitting from prolonged crouching eluded to her relaxation in the situation and lesser determination to win. The usage of the knife to carve the bark was also a ploy to boredom, and conceding the victory to her opponent. Build on these elements of body language with Kyla for a moch stronger impact on your presentation.

Sanste's speech was very matter-of-fact. Very little of what he said eluded to a different agenda or took a tactful approach to how he wanted to present himself to Kyla. Sanste lacked strong body language as well, his highlight moment being the mention of strain his body took to control the excess constructs. Usage of the words "or something" and "other stuff" crippled what could have been opportunities to flourish. Elaborate on the "somethings" and "stuffs" to create a pop to the writing. Usage of "...must have been a mix up or sadistic musings of a deranged official." or "A second eye, nose, ears or barbed tentacles were unnecessary since..." would have been much stronger. Also, watch out for the word "seemed".

Action-5/10---5/10
For both players, the actions were lacking, but this was to be expected in a match based on hide and seek. To increase the interest, a more dramatic approach to turn the game into one of predator and prey could have been employed. Kyla overused the shadow summoning throughout the thread - the initial usage via shadow dagger completely vanishing in its purpose in the introduction. Both players took tactical moves against one another, but the delivery of which could have been improved to increase more suspense. Sanste would have the better opportunity of the two since his posts could have eluded to a golem thinking Kyla was there, then being let down at the pinnacle moment. Remember, that conflict and drama are the keys to keeping a reader involved in the actions and story.

Persona- 6/10---4/10
Kyla certainly possesses a strength about her, but this is a gentle strength. This was conveyed well in her emotional reactions to the events and some of the setting. Although the smile in the beginning could have used some indicator to tie into the story, her emotions fleshed out Kyla as a person. More elaboration on why she would not touch a statue of N'Jal or why she was drawn to Jomil would have built her up more.

Sanste's writing did the character little justice as an individual. The main traits to define him is a boy who is lost in his own purpose of life, but wants to become stronger to defend himself and his friend in the face of hardship. Aside from that major point, Sanste feels flat. He thinks a lot and sometimes out lout. The manner of his thoughts also seem plain and straight forward, something one might identify in a very logical, finite thinker. If this lack of vibrancy is a trait of Sanste, it was dead on. Otherwise, try to capture his reactions to situations and flesh out his emotional response using colorful vocabulary. "Frustration bubbled to the surface of his mind." "Beads of sweat formed on his forehead, not due to the cool weather, but to the struggle in maintaining four sentient creatures." "He grit his teeth as yet another location yielded no results." Those would be some examples to try.



Prose: 15 --- 16

Mechanics- 4/10---4/10
Lack of commas abound. One major area that is easily rectified would be the use of two or more adjectives preceding a noun. Both players failed this literary rule. Example: The big, brown dog ran into the small, white house. Amber also missed a hyphen usage for an informal descriptor "brown, paper-like" in the last post. Both players also lacked commas to separate independent clauses from dependent clauses. (ie. In the bright light, the mystic saw the pristine, white building.) "In the bright light" would be the independent clause since it lacks a subject on its own, and "the mystic saw the pristine, white building" would be the dependent clause since it can stand alone as a sentence. This rule also applies to conjunctions when the "or", "and", "but", or "then" join two dependent clauses. (ie. He ran to the building, and he looked around for her.) If it joins a dependent with and independent, you no longer need the comma. (ie. He ran to the building and looked around for her.)

If you would like more clarity on grammar and mechanics, feel free to ask me or look online for tips and tricks.

Clarity- 5/10---6/10
Amber's writing held the most canon references but left cliffhangers as to why there were mentioned or why she reacted the way she did. These have been mentioned above, and any form of elaboration would have assisted in strengthening the clarity. Aside from those reader curiosities, eliminate the usage of "seemed" where possible. It can be used to great effect in high tension conversation or to build upon a mysterious ambiance but needs to be tactfully used. Small sentences work best. "It seemed... wrong." Complete elimination of the word would be better.

Sanste was very clear in his writing, but could use a less straight forward approach. Use of colorful adjectives or eluding to a point would greatly increase the interest while still maintaining your clarity.

Technique- 6/10---6/10
This area was close because overall, Amber's writing possessed more flare and confidence in the presentation. Sanste makes a tie here because the usage of his grave in the beginning set such a magnificent tone to the overall feel of his predicament. Very effective use of foreshadowing. Aside from that, more usage of basic literary techniques would benefit both writers. More similes (ie The grass was soft as goose down.), metaphors (ie. Sanste's hands were the forges to birth his two golems.), personification (ie. The moonlight smiled upon the mystic, radiating off her fair skin.), and overall imagery (colorful vocabulary to set the scene) would greatly strengthen both player's writing.



Wildcard: 7 --- 7

Overall, well done considering the level gap. Amber stayed true to Kyla's image and Sanste struck home with that opening usage of the grave stones. Sanste, keep up your improvements and you're going to make it big. Amber, be a little more finite in your descriptions. If you begin to turn over a stone, look under it for the reader just a tad. Overall, awesome usage of lore. I'm giving Amber high marks for her play off canon and Sanste a high mark for that usage of the tombstones. You really impressed me with that one. Good work, both of you.



Final Score: 53---51

Amber Eyes (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14169) Wins!:


2,750 EXP!
55 GP!

Congratulations!


Sanste (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17174) Receives:


825 EXP!
28 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!