League A (Division 1): Forbidden v. Zack Blaze

[Max Dirks]

Battle at your leisure folks. This thread must be completed by January 9th, 2014 at 12:00 AM EST. If you finish early, please submit it for judging per usual.

[Zack Blaze]

“How boring,” Zack blaze looked up at the full moon, his blonde bangs falling into his eyes, “I thought the league would be more exciting than this.” He scratched his head as he continued his star gazing, his imagination forming lines to connect the various constellations. The brightest star in the sky is the tip of the Starslayer’s sword. To the east of the stars that compose the Starslayer is a cluster that forms the Dragon’s Daughters.

He closed his eyes and scratched the back of his head, the blades of grass underneath his form starting to irritate his exposed flesh. If he had looked southward, he could see the dozens of lights belonging to Radasanth homes. Crickets played their strange melody into the night sky, the fireflies around Zack dancing to the ‘tune’. The Underwood Underdog knew that he couldn’t enjoy the scenery forever; he had come here as part of his assignment for the Althanas League after all. Soon, his opponent would reveal themselves and they would start fighting.

He sat up, his arms wrapping around his knees. He had no information on his opponent, or when they would even show up. To pass the time, he began strumming his knees with his fingertips, bobbing his head to the chorus that the crickets provided. Behind him stood the trees of Concordia, their shadows embracing the ground like long lost lovers.

This small form of entertainment lasted for about a minute or so before Zack let out a frustrated scream to the night air, temporarily silencing his insect musicians. “By the Thaynes, when is something going to HAPPEN?!”

[Forbidden]

The lustiest of the shadows laying amongst the trees stirred. Grass prickled her bare breasts as she peered over an earth-woven structure of oaken roots. A whimsical breeze brought her the virile man's scent. He was young, ripe with energy and bursting with rich blood. In her travels Nora once met an Alerian dwarf who claimed twenty years marked the perfect vintage for fine scotch. She still marveled at how closely his rule mirrored her own taste for humans. Zack Blaze. She had an age and a name, and she thirsted... oh how she thirsted.

Ellenora Sekuerba Pope led the Liberi Nocturn clan of the ancient Vampyre. Forgotten from fears, forbidden from tales of terror, they'd rested beneath the surface for centuries. Too long. She was weak, so weak that her first visit to the surface had ended cowering and weeping beneath a stream bed while the blasted sun scorched the land. Too ashamed to return to her followers, she had fasted and meditated for a night and a day, and Njal had graced her dream with a command, and a vision. Feed only on the mighty, on those I place before you, her Goddess had promised, and strength will return to you and your people. The vision had been a tall man of blond hair and green eyes, broad of shoulder and long of limb. Nora's favorite flavor.

Njal was kind as she was wise, in all her infinite glory.

The vampyre bit her rosebud lower lip gently. The boy's cry had silenced the crickets and cicadas and sent a flock of redbuckles soaring southward. Has he detected me? She'd kept as quiet as she could as she crept to the tree line, tanto and wakizashi bound in a leather scrip to silence their rattling. The metal fasteners wound throughout her voluminous hair might have clanked, giving away her position. Nora took a breath and then picked up her caltrops, three in each hand, and stood. She slunk over the mound of dirt with hands trailing on the ground, leaving a pattern of dark iron points guarding her possessions.

She stood and walked toward Zack Blaze, dark eyes never leaving his muscular frame. Moonlight lit her midriff and creamy thighs but midnight tresses fell across her breasts and encircled her waist, hiding some small parts of her. So long as the iron fasteners remained wound within the long locks, Nora would wear her hair like an Akashiman robe. She remembered the training beneath her sensei beneath the nation's crystal spire, would use the ancient principles of combat to finish her prey if necessary. Only if necessary. Would the boy stop her from walking up and biting deep into his raging carotid artery? Many his age would be defenseless in the presence of the natural pheromone that exuded from her pores with each bead of sweat.

Surely Njal would not have chosen her such easy prey.

"Something happens now, by the eldest among the Thaynes." Ellenora answered the boy's question as she approached, one eyebrow arched like a swan's neck. "My name is Nora, what may I call you?" She said as she moved across the clearing, empty hands raised in greeting. His scent strengthened as she drew nearer, and the vampyre nearly whimpered with hunger.

[Zack Blaze]

Zack’s opponent came out from the literal woodwork, introducing herself and answering the boy’s question. He crossed his arms as he looked over the unkempt and unclothed female with a smirk plastered upon his features. Typical woman, Zack thought, Always resorting to their feminine wiles to try and gain an advantage. While Nora’s tactic was underhanded, Zack still found his eyes wandering down her form.

Her milky pale skin almost seemed as if it were the moonlight incarnate. Her black hair, knotted and fashioned as an Akashimian geisha, had spots of blue barely visible beneath the charcoal strands. Her eyes looked more like somebody had stuffed marbles into her sockets, and staring into the dual voids sent shivers down Zack’s back. She knew how to use her lithe figure and (in Zack’s opinion) attractive body to gain the upper hand. She was a tactician, and if she won the day, it would be through a clever mind and proper strategy rather than brute force and flashy techniques.

It was the exact opposite of Zack’s style, and he loved it.

“Zack Blaze. A pleasure,” he cracked his knuckles and bounced around on his feet, “I suppose it’s time for our fight then, eh? I don’t suppose you just want to give up right here and now and make both of our lives easier and less bruised, huh?” The melody of the crickets was now returning to their starlight showdown. The Coronian humidity began to make the air thicker, and beads of moisture were now rolling off of the exposed parts of Zack’s skin.

As he spoke, electricity began to subtly course through his hands. His whole body tingled with the thunderous power running through his veins. If Nora were to approach within an arm’s length of the street fighter, Zack would grab at her, using his High Voltage technique to temporarily catch the lady vampire off guard, and follow the stun up with a fist directly into the woman’s pearl white face.

[Forbidden]

Nora hesitated for the barest moment, one smooth leg forth and the other braced beneath. What fight does he speak of? The vampyre smiled wider to hide her trepidation. Could Njal have sent warning to this man, or were his own Gods meddling in the Mother's affairs? The leader of the Liberi Nocturn tribe took a breath and rolled her shoulders. She perspired in the night's thick air like a squeezed sponge, her pheromones unleashed to full effect. Zack seemed un-allured as his leather shoes trounced the leaf strewn grass. So he was warned... but by whom? Knowledge was only as strong as the faith of the man who possessed it. Zack Blaze crackled with power and Nora stepped close, reaching out reverently to touch his shoulder.

"What would you have me give up?" She asked, eyebrows raised in mocking innocence, "if you are the man I seek-" pain arced through her arm as Zack grabbed her wrist. The smell of her own crisped flesh overpowered the luster of the boy's blood and she writhed like a wolf caught in a trap until his fast found her jaw. Nora's head snapped back, lower lip spraying blood where it split on her tooth, and she lost all sense of the earth beneath and the stars above. Soft grass and sharp stones swept and stabbed at her sides as the impact of the punch sent her rolling thrice through the dirt. Grit coated her navel and face from the fall, topsoil invading her nostrils. She coughed and gagged and rolled onto her front, looking up at Zack Blaze through a curtain of disarrayed hair.

"Why?" She gasped as she lay on the ground like a worm, grasping at her mouth as if the blow could truly hurt her. Blood on her tongue - even her own - was exalting. "Who?" She panted in her best imitation of a distressed human. A true human would have yielded or fled, but those options barely occurred to Nora. She would fight the man with every ounce of Coronian decency behind those emerald eyes, and when he at last let his guard down she would taste the flesh above his jacket's high collar.

It takes a certain type of man to strike a woman in the face. Another kind altogether to beat her upon the ground.

Nora lay huddled beneath her cloak of hair, letting the hum of the insects in the long grass and the cool earthy dew comfort her. She would test this Zack Blaze's mettle by refusing to rise until the nerve-jarring shakes caused by his shocking attack receded. Come at me, she taunted silently, her face a picture of misery, I have endured far worse than you.

[Zack Blaze]

Zack raised his fists to his face to prepare for Nora’s physical reply. When a counter attack never came, he lowered his guard and looked towards the confused woman on the ground. The way she laid there, her bare body nearly glistening under the moons radiant beams, almost made her too easy of a target for the street fighter. Zack’s mind began to race, weighing the pros and cons of getting up close to the girl again. Her scent still lingered in the air, an intoxicating aroma that would fill most men with the lust of a wolf in heat.

“This is no place for whimpering,” Zack held out his right hand, motioning it up and down as if he were holding something ball-shaped in his palm, “Just because you’re a woman, naked, and cowering does not in any way mean I will not strike again. You stand before the Viper of Lornius, the Underwood Underdog, the Awesome Adventurer, Zack Blaze!” Zack ‘grabbed’ the invisible object in his hand, his fingers tightening around the air.

“You will either pledge your allegiance to me, or I will beat you to within an inch of your life!” He ‘threw’ his mimed ball at the vampire, hoping that the girl was too busy looking at the right to notice that the left had sent a spiral of flames tearing through the ground towards her. Small clumps of dirt and grass flew up into the air, once again bringing an eerie quiet to the battlefield. The flames tore through the earth as a shark tears through the water, eagerly trying to grab at its prey.

“The next time you enter a League,” Zack snickered his taunt, “don’t be surprised when someone punches you in the face!”

[Forbidden]

The wind stirred Nora's tangled hair and chilled her sweat slicked skin. With her body planted firmly in the earth she felt safe, close to Njal's embrace. She regained her breath but her left arm still felt numb and tingly, the muscles responding sluggishly to her commands. She knew she would have no hope of overcoming the ferocious Zach Blaze in her weakened state. She could only hope to goad him into a moment of weakness and strike with all of her cunning. Her Goddess had delivered a challenge truly worthy of the Liberia Nocturna's leader that night.

A column of fire erupted from the ground on its way to lick the vampyre's delicate hide. She cried out and flung herself to the side, rolling over and over. Sticks and leaves caught in her hair and their audience of insects departed on gossamer wings, seeking some quieter clearing. The pale woman cloaked in dirty hair gathered her knees to her chest and inched further from her attacker, left arm cradled across her chest. Her moonshadow was small and pitiful, the tears of frustration and pain shining in her eyes all too real.

"What league do you speak of?" Nora rasped, "I do not stand before you, wicked man. I weep." She gathered her hair like the edges of a robe and drew the downy mess across her shivering form. "I would speak any words to stop your onslaught, but my allegiance is pledged to another, for life and death." Njal did not share her servants. "So you will have to kill me, or inflict what tortures your twisted heart desires." The scorn and malice dripping from the words was born of her own weak body and foolish confidence, but she let them seep out and poison Zack Blaze. In truth she respected the man's bloodthirsty tenacity. And the way he demanded allegiance...

A shiver that had naught to do with wind nor sweat wracked Ellenora from tailbone to to pointed teeth. Is he another of Njal's servants? My replacement? The vampyre set her fangs. No sun-kissing human will take my clan away. The saltiness of her own spilled vitae had gone bitter. She needed to cleanse her palate with Blaze's blood.

[Zack Blaze]

The youth pursed his lips to the side when he had seen his feint not work. The naked girl was quicker than most opponents Zack fought. She continued to play the damsel in distress, her mouth bearing ever-so-slightly elongated fangs through her words. Zack raised a solitary eyebrow at the girl while resisting the urge to laugh. She was committed to her lies but Zack was committed to winning this battle.

“Well since you won’t pledge your allegiance to me, I guess there’s nothing more to say,” He sighed, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets and turning away. He kicked haphazardly at the grass and let the blades run through his red sports shoes. “You’re gonna keep acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about, and I’m just gonna keep beating on you ‘til you fall. That’s no fun. I’d much rather go after someone who’s worthy of my fists that keep pounding on a worthless bag of pretty meat.”

Zack smirked from behind his distraught façade. He removed a hand to scratch the back of his head as he began to walk off towards the forest before them. “I just wish you could have given me some sort of a challenge…” he mumbled once more while he kicked at the ground once more. He seemed much more like a child who had been denied a toy than a street fighter worthy of the Althanas League’s attention.

“Guess I’ll just have Makai finish the job,” He said, pointing his free hand behind the vampire. From the earth rose an eight foot monstrosity, his skin black as the night itself, with the stench of a beast that had never even heard of the word ‘washroom’. His white teeth flashed a grin of ivory white fangs, though they looked closer to white-painted bear traps in the creature’s mouth. His brown loincloth flapped in the wind, revealing the only shred of modesty the strange ogre showed. Two giant hands flew downwards with the force of dual steel hammers towards his target, the ‘innocent’ vampire girl.

Zack laughed as he placed two fingers on the top of his head, and saluted off his opponent without ever looking at her. “Au revoir, cherie.”

[Forbidden]

Vitality returned to Nora's numbed limb as she clenched and re-clenched tufts of dewy grass. Her right hand hid in the voluminous tresses of midnight hair, conjuring an orb of antimagic. Njal bless this weapon, she prayed, that it may disrupt some meager part of this man's power. Dark billowing energy gathered around the hidden hand. Her hair was decorated by leaves and horribly mussed from rolling in the dirt but the iron fasteners still held its robe-like shape. One small breast was bared to the moonlight as the vampyre removed a fixing from her carefully arranged hair. The iron kunai pressed flat against a pale wrist, hidden and ready. Ellenora's time in Akashima had taught her to hide a blade anywhere, and to throw with both hands.

He turns! She wanted to cackle. Alabaster fangs bit at her split lip, drawing blood anew. She waited until she felt certain Blaze could not see her and then sprang to her feet and cast the antimagic orb at the spine between his broad shoulders. Her left hand whipped back, kunai cocked, preparing to let follow mana with metal.

The crust trembled beneath petite bare feet. A smell like the sewers beneath Gisela cut through the pleasant forest aromas, obscuring even the scent of Zach Blaze's blood. The vampyre gasped and wheeled about, knees wobbling. The monstrous ogre bared down on her with both fists like a manic miner less his hammer. Ellenora dove out of the way, dropping her throwing knife in panic. As fetid air whizzed by from the force of the blow the vampyre scrambled away on all fours.

She crawled. Was this what Njal desired of her? Utter embarrassment at the hands of a mightier opponent, a man immune to her charms? She would wear every bruise her Goddess granted like a notch on her sword's hilt. Nora found her feet and ran the last distance to the treeline. Her desperate dives and rolls had not been mere evasion of Blaze's onslaught. Each rough tumble had carried her closer to her hillock. The mound of earth-grown roots protected by caltrops. In the midst of fallen leaves and thick loam she could not see the iron spikes, so she threw herself headlong over the concealed caltrops and landed in a heap next to her burlap sack.

Draw your sword! She ordered her body, but pride bubbling up like magma from a volcano brought her to her feet. She seized a second iron kunai from its hiding place in her hair, baring both breasts to the shadows of the woods. The dark metal projectile flew fourth, aimed for the reeking ogre.

"You will never take what is mine!" She shrieked past the thick oak's trunk at the cocky blond man, "No matter the monsters you command or the powers you wield, the Liberi Nocturna tribe is my birthright!" She fumbled to draw her ancient wakizashi from the burlap bag, shaking from hunger and fleeting adrenaline. "No cowardly human could hope to accomplish the glorious deeds Njal demands!"

[Zack Blaze]

Makai howled when the kunai bit deep into his muscular arm. Small rivers of black blood pooled forth from the blades wound to stain the emerald grass below. The ogre’s face turned into a sneer as he raised his fists from the craters they had created. The ground had become nothing more than torn blades of green and mounds of dirt in his wake. All along the ground, ants and worms scurried off to the next convenient hiding space, away from the terror that had almost ended them.

Zack turned at his friend’s roar just in time to see the beat remove the weapon with two of his fingers. The monster’s eyes met with his masters, the face of the creature degrading into an angry scowl. The pearl white fangs were an intimidating sight for most, but Zack waved off the ogre as one would shoo a puppy away. Makai let out another roar, one of pure frustration, as he blinked out of existence. The sudden disappearance of his bodyguard caused the kunai to fall harmlessly to the ground.

"No cowardly human could hope to accomplish the glorious deeds N’Jal demands!" The woman seemed to shriek at her opponent. It seemed that she had finally had enough of the beating Zack delivered upon her. The wind carried her voice through the trees, almost echoing in the forest. Zack covered his mouth to hide the smile that formed across his features. He found humor in her declaration of loyalty to the ‘evil’ Thayne known as N’Jal.

His body could not take the comedy of it all, and despite his best efforts, Zack Blaze laughed at his opponent. His hot breath flowed through his fingers as he giggled like a schoolboy hearing his first funny joke. Realizing his attempt to stifle the giggles were for naught, Zack moved his hand to his forehead and let the laughing pierce through the serenity the night had provided.

And then, he was gone.

He appeared instantly behind his opponent, the sword hidden within his pants drawn instantly. His blade sung a chorus of death through the air as it attempted to skewer the woman from behind, straight through her bare chest. His laughter had all but disappeared. His eyes were now honed in on the tussles of black hair before him. His posture had become far more like that of a professional swordsman, though he rarely actually used his magical weapon.

“Keep your old Gods,” he spat a venomous taunt at the woman, “I have no need for them in my world.”

[Forbidden]

Leaves chittered in the wind to answer the madman's laugh. Another human who has touched the Tap and allowed it to scour their senses. This boy's powers have minced his brains. Without a guide like Njal, Nora might have suffered much the same fate. She slid her wakizashi free and dropped the sack containing the tanto. The dark iron blade leaned against her shoulder as she peeked past the tree's shadow. Dew glistened in the moonlight all around the earth torn up by Blaze's pet, but she saw no sign of the ogre nor its master. Perhaps he is not so mad after all... Ellenora took a deep breath of dank forest air, restoring some calm to her vibrating nerves. Was Zack employing stealth of his own? If so, he would find himself entrenched alongside...

The vampyre never saw the sword point that burst from her chest in a mist of arterial spray. The magic blade snuffed her out like an iron thimble covering a candle.

~

Agony wracked Ellenora's being, but she had no body. Hot knives pierced the tenderest pieces of skin she could not perceive. Darkness and pain, only darkness and pain. Many of Njal's lessons began so.

Why have you failed? The imperious voice asked when she had no more sensation to scald. Njal did not demand, but Nora knew her answers would write the next passage of her life or else burn her from present and past.

I was too weak, the initial answer came easily, but silence and nothingness stretched until she found a proper answer. I underestimated my foe, again and again. I had no answer for his attacks. Nora wanted to weep but she had no cheeks to wear the tears, nor eyes to spill them. She had been foolish, fearing that a human such as Zack Blaze could replace her as leader of the Liberia Nocturna. Yet still she feared for her position.

What would you do differently? Njal asked.

I would never step into that clearing, Nora thought vehemently, I would draw the man to the shadows, and strike with all of my being.

You learn still, there was love amongst the voice's disappointment, it is for this alone that I keep you as leader of the Noctruna tribe. The world has changed as you slept. Many and more of those above draw upon the Tap like mewling kittens at their mother's teats. They are dangerous, but they grow fat with power and are ripe for the plucking... they will make the mightiest army we have ever known. There was a pause in which hope replaced pain, filling the void that had consumed Nora's world. You have tasted the wrath of the surface dwellers this night... when next you climb out of Haide, you will taste their blood.

Fin

[Zack Blaze]

Blood spurted forth from Nora’s chest in a crimson fog of gore. Zack removed the sword with a vicious slurping sound from the blade passing through its point of penetration. His opponent’s body fell lifeless to the ground, a pool of red staining the grass around her still form. Zack dropped the sword and cackled maniacally into the night sky, his right hand holding his hair from falling into his face.

“Too easy!” He shouted and shifted his neck from one side to another for a satisfying ‘pop’ sound on each end, “That was far too easy!”

He kneeled down before his fallen female foe, his hand touching the liquid and bringing it to his nostrils. Nora’s blood had a coppery smell to it, and felt oddly cold as opposed to a normal person’s warm crimson. He stood, moving some of his hair behind his ears and temporarily coloring the blonde strands a dark red. “A vampire huh? I bet the big wigs at MizBiz will be more than happy to up my pay for this one.”

He had not expected such an easy conquest, and standing over the vampire’s corpse made the youth feel like a lion guarding a fresh kill. He brought his heel to Nora’s side and rolled the body over. It was now, in the creepy stillness of the night, that he could finally admire the girl’s naked and perfect form. Her eyes remained open and wide. It was all too obvious to the boy that he had taken her by surprise. Blood still flowed through the gaping wound through her breast. In Zack’s mind, he was no different than an artist admiring his painting.

But it was in this admiration that Zack was still found wanting. While he had done a great job of humiliating and defeating the vampyric vixen, it had ended all too quickly. Flashes of his fights with both Madison Freebird and Leoric Rockfist flashed in his mind. They had both been worthy opponents and both had been convinced by Zack to join Misery Business because of their fortitude and skillsets. This was different. The woman Zack fought today was not worthy of his company, she was not even worthy of more than fifteen minutes of his time.

Zack spit onto Nora’s lifeless body, his sample of spit swallowed by the last ounces of blood leaving the corpse. Zack turned and picked his blade back up, dragging it across the ground slowly. He looked up to the vastness of the stars once more and sighed. “It’s funny, you know? I’m the victor here today, and you’re the one with a hole in your chest…”

“…So then why am I the one that feels hollow?”

((Good Game, Madam.))

[Otto]

Forbidden

Plot: 21/30


Storytelling: 7/10
A simple story, but one that is well-anchored in the larger scheme of things. You explain why Nora is there, fit events to the character, and don't make her quest for strength a trivial matter.


Setting: 7/10
Well-described scenery, which was used to evoke the mystery of the night and coldness of the grave. Although the imagery could have been a little more prominent, you also did well in utilising the environment to give the thread some sort of grounding.


Pacing: 7/10
Apart from a few hiccups, your writing unrolled wonderfully to fit the demands of the battle. Just be wary about holding things up at the start of your posts - such as in post 7. Some of what you write in the first paragraph has already been covered ("With her body planted firmly in the earth she felt safe, close to Njal's embrace"), and it interrupts the flow. Zack just threw a handful of fire at Nora - the second paragraph would have been a better starting point (sans reiterating about the fire).


Character: 24/30


Communication: 8/10
Great stuff. Nora's feigned innocence is a touch suspicious, her screams of defiance suitably frantic, and the thoughts to herself always revealing something more. Inflections also played a part in flavouring her words - it's just a shame the thread was too short to see more.


Action: 8/10
I remain unsure of how you could improve your writing. Each action belies her state and motives, from graceful seduction, to feigned helplessness, and finally, her trembling rage as her smooth demeanour quickly frays. Importantly, you were ready to let your character take the punches she should have, for the sake of a credible read.


Persona: 8/10
Nora's actions, her words, and your own all painted a detailed picture of the vampyre. Yet, you might have gone a little further and fleshed out her place in the Liberi Nocturna - or the clan's place in Althanas, even - and consequently, another aspect of this character of yours.


Prose: 22/30


Mechanics: 7/10
Although your writing wasn't entirely free of grammatical errors (I only took note of two), and in parts could have been formatted better to improve flow (a few more commas to mark conjunctions, perhaps), you have a polished style that is a pleasure to read.


Clarity: 8/10
The only area that could have been better described was Nora's hideout in the treeline, and only then because of possible issues with Zack's teleport power. Otherwise, this section was not a problem for you.


Technique: 7/10
The perspective may be third person, but you put us inside Nora's head with ease, through your use of personal anecdote, and rather personal metaphor and simile (the way she thinks in terms of blood, the cold embrace of the earth, and so on).


Wildcard: 4/10
You're an accomplished writer, talented in all aspects of the rubric. A longer and deeper story is warranted for Nora - what we have here is just a taste. Points removed for some tardy posts, however.

Total: 71/100


Zack Blaze

Plot: 17/30


Storytelling: 6/10
As far as the fight goes, in itself, you handled things fairly well. But there are larger elements that remain unanswered, to the point that they may be important or irrelevant, i.e.: why is Zack trying to get Nora to swear allegiance to him? What happened to the tournament? And if he is trying to find suitable recruits, why not wait until after the practical before telling them they're hired? It seems like an unsound business principle.


Setting: 5/10
Like Nora, you set the scene with enough detail to make it interesting, but not so much it was boring. Apart from acting as a backdrop, however, you didn't take it into consideration much. This was particularly problematic when you teleported Zack into Nora's hiding spot, for the simple reasons that a) he needs to be able to picture the location (difficult if it's hidden beneath the night-time canopy) and b) in teleporting behind Nora, it's entirely possible that he would have ended up encased in the middle of a tree.


Pacing: 6/10
For the most part, very good. But you lost major points because of your habit of repeating what your opponent has only just told us in the last post. We know what happened, as we read it just ten seconds ago; making us go through it again is a waste of time, jarring, and, frankly, boring.


Character: 21/30


Communication: 8/10
This is certainly an area in which you excel. It's less what Zack says than how he says it, which stuffs your dialogue with personality and insight. Some of the dialogue in itself is a bit unclear, such as the allegiance thing I mentioned, and also your closing sentence seems at odds with the theme you've set up over the rest of the thread. Delivery is fine, fantastic, but just be a bit more wary of the content.


Action: 6/10
As with communication, you excel in describing the action, how you chose to act let you down. In this case, there was borderline powergaming taking place.

First is the issue of Nora's attempts to deceive Zack. He is completely, 100% sure that Nora's putting on an act. Of course he's right, but there's more to it than that. There's nothing in his character sheet to suggest he has immunity to Nora's pheromones, so why aren't they having any effect at all? And just because Zack's clever, doesn't mean he can't be fooled. Ever heard the phrase, "you're so sharp you'll cut yourself?" If he's smart enough, it might just mean he can think of a plausible reason why a defenceless young woman has stumbled into the midst of a tournament fight. I'm not saying you should have made him fall for her tricks, but a moment's uncertainty and hesitation was probably called for.

Next, we have the teleport issue. Nora's hidden in the treeline, behind cover. Has Zack been there? You don't say, and since Nora's been dug in there the past while, we assume not. So how well can he picture an unfamiliar place, hidden in the shadows at night?

It's unlikely in the extreme that Nora would have won the fight. But reading this was akin to watching someone open the console in a game, type in godmode and noclip, and just walk through walls to complete a level. Without any sense of conflict or risk, there was no enjoyment - which was probably where Nora had the greatest advantage over you.


Persona: 7/10
Zack's final bit of dialogue was a bit incongruous with the upbeat, mildly psychotic demeanour he'd displayed while having so much fun in the rest of the thread. Along with the obscure recruitment angle, it's unclear what he's doing there. That might just be the kind of guy he is - a bit wild, a bit unpredictable, rather fickle... but you could have stood to make it clearer that this was deliberate, if indeed it was.


Prose: 19/30


Mechanics: 6/10
You have a few bad habits that, if you shook them, would really let you reach your potential here. I've mentioned that it's a terrible thing to repeat chunks of the previous post. Also, look back to how you prepare for your opponent's move in post 4; if this, if that... it does not read well, and there has to be a better way of writing it. Perhaps you could show us what he's thinking, e.g.:

"Thin, but poised. Probably fast and controlled. I'd do well to watch my back, but if I take away her mobility, there shouldn't be anything to stop me finishing her off.

Zack tightened his fists, lit by their flickering halo of sparks."

Lastly, your writing is littered with minor grammatical mistakes. Watch out for typos, use apostrophes to denote the plural form ("moons" vs. "moon's"), scour awkward repetition from your writing ("he mumbled once more while he kicked at the ground once more"), use the correct participle ("spit" vs. "spat"), and so on. And be wary of the run-on sentence.


Clarity: 7/10
Some elements were a little fuddled, like Zack's motives, but the meat of the writing was crystal. It also would have helped to give at least an inkling of Zack's scepticism towards Nora's ploy earlier on in the thread, as it wasn't clear whether he was just ignoring (not fooled) or if you weren't reading your opponent's post properly (a possibility lent credit, as you seem to have misread Nora's description of how the vampyre wore her hair).


Technique: 6/10
There was some good, strong metaphor and simile there - but not much else was visible. How about some symbolism? Could have had Zack's fire set the drifts of leaves ablaze - he's trying to kindle the conflict, and there'd be something there about the light being anathema to Nora. And what's the implication of this League for Zack? This thread doesn't really explore the character on a scale greater than his mannerisms.


Wildcard: 5/10
Some small flaws held you back, but the worst of it was a lack of respect for your opponent.

Total: 62/100



Forbidden wins, and receives 1800 experience and 110 gold.

Zack Blaze receives 450 experience and 110 gold.

[Lye]

Gold & EXP added!

Zack Levels to Level 6!

Congratulations!