On the Concept of Hatred Ongoing Workshop

[Ashla]

We know what the rules are, right? So I'm not gonna post those here.

Thread link: http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26306-On-the-Concept-of-Hatred

I mainly would like tips on description and writing style. Any other tips would also be good though. Thank you! :)

[Forbidden]

What I note most from your descriptions is that they are good, but you rarely use them. Most of this story you "tell" the reader what's happening/what things look or smell like. Often that means that the descriptions aren't terribly exciting - you end up with a paragraph that reads sort of like a list of traits. Example:


Ashla was slow to wake up. She just laid in bed awhile with her eyes closed, but eventually opened her eyes. A thin, white sheet covered her thin body, not smooth at all and covered with brown spots. A pillow stuffed with straw was her head's resting place; her hair half covering the pillow, half covering her head. She was in the corner of a room. The bed was made of strong pine wood (which looked like it had been chopped off the tree, no further work done other than being nailed and tide together) and had been pilled upon with straw as a make-shift mattress.

The above paragraph is a bunch of purely informational statements, despite being quite descriptive and creative. I think that filtering more of your writing through Ashla's perspective (so we know how she feels about the things she sees/hears more) could serve you well. A good trick is to think of what objects do rather than letting them be static. Does the bed groan when she shifts her wait? does the sheet rustle when she moves beneath it?

As to the overall writing style, that will take time to develop but I really like what you're doing so far. My suggestion is mostly to re-read and edit your stuff. If you find anything (especially dialog) that doesn't "feel right", change it or take it out. That re-writing process will help you discover new things about your style and your character. The biggest thing I would suggest working on right now is showing vs telling, because that will open a lot of other doors for you. Hope that helps a bit, I'll look forward to the rest of our battle :D

[Ashla]

Forbidden:
Thanks for the tips. I've always been terrible with description, so now I'm just trying to put descriptions in! I do get what you meant though, and I really do need to work on my characters getting involved with the things around them. I have done this off and on, but not too much. So thank you for pointing this out to me. I'll try to do better for the rest of the thread.

I actually re-read, edit, etc. a lot when I'm writing! Almost every time I do I find myself editing something too xD so I am working on that. Good to see somebody finds my works creative still though, since all of my creative juices have been sucked up from school :P . And I'll get to our battle as soon as I can. I already have what's going to happen in mind, all I have to do is write it out xD All of my actual writing has went towards my solo thread so far, so I'll have to get back to the battle threads sometime soon. Don't worry, I'm on it!

[Ashla]

I just added another post from BloodandBlades.

[Ashla]

Added a couple other posts now. The last three were written on my phone, so sorry that they may seem shorter and less detailed than usual.
Could somebodyplease tell me what they think so far.

[Max Dirks]

Maybe rewriting isn't the best thing for you, as your best paragraph in the thread so far...


Ashla drifted about in the freezing darkness. It was even colder than the snow, but she felt like she was drowning in liquid water. Then she saw light burst through the black waves. She didn't have to swim, as the currents were pushing her there anyhow. The light got brighter and brighter, and the water felt warmer and warmer, until......was written on a phone!

In general, you use alot of passive language (see "has had been making") and you tend to tell not show. I don't have much time to go into detail right now with tips on how to improve, but I encourage you to do an advanced search for those terms (in quotes) and you might find previous tips judges have given on those issues.

[Ashla]

Maybe rewriting isn't the best thing for you, as your best paragraph in the thread so far... ...was written on a phone!
Lol! Thanks!


In general, you use alot of passive language (see "has had been making") and you tend to tell not show. I don't have much time to go into detail right now with tips on how to improve, but I encourage you to do an advanced search for those terms (in quotes) and you might find previous tips judges have given on those issues.
I have been trying to work on that with with this thread (see my post with Fulgur's view on the surrounding forest and his comparison to a sheet of paper with it.) And I will look that up. Thank you for posting!!