Turning Point! Ongoing workshop

[Solar Haven]

Turning Point! (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25631-Turning-Point!)

The rules are in the sticky if you need to read them.

I am looking for any incite into how the thread reads, and how people are liking it so far.

I can take criticism pretty well so "Come at me, Bro!"

I will be going through and editing the first few posts as I have 'grown' as a writer since the beginning and it is shown in the last few posts.

so pretty much, anything you want to say about the thread say it.

[Ashla]

Nice thread!

This really showed how how to make threads intense with torture scenes and such without getting into detail; I really felt butterflies in my stomach while reading this! Overall, I really like this!. Adonis is clearly not a bad guy, in fact, he feels for "Kit" (I really like Kit, btw), and the scene with his mom was really nice too. I do notice though, that typos have been made several times throughout this thread. The "I"s aren't capitalized in some spots, and once in a while things got misspelled. Another thing I noticed is that this heavily depends on dialogue and doesn't have much description. I can tell that yes, we're in a bar with lot's of people, yes we're in some kind of torture facility with other imprisoned mages in here, but what does everything look like? Particular descriptions like what people look like and what meal Adonis got; but other than that my imagination carried me away to what looked like what for environment and such a lot. I have the exact same issue for this, and I've been trying my best to improve on that, so please don't think I'm ratting off on you or anything.

Aside that, I really like this. The emotion and intensity are captured well, and I like the main character! Looking forwards to the rest of this. :)

(P.S. could you read my ongoing workshop thread "On the Concept of Hatred", please?)

[Fox Owen Xavier]

Read over the thread. Love the story and idea of losing magic and being powerless. Like BlueGhostOfSeaside said, the torture scene was very intense and really drew me in. I personally don't know if more detail would be good or not. My mind kind of made up details and helped me think up the scenes. Also, love your fox. Definitely should try and get Fox into a quest with you sometime :)

The main problems I see is that after a closer look, there are some places where I believe are missing periods/commas/capitalization. I sent a message pointing out some of the places I saw them. However, be careful of just taking my word since English was never my best subject. Also, the fifth post seems to have a bit of an issue with flowing as nicely as the other ones.


Adonis climbed over a broken beam and noticed a book on a table labelled 'Research Notes'. Adonis grabbed it and turned around to see the exit. He quickly climbed over some beams and crawled out of the basement as more beams collapsed.

Adonis promptly flopped onto his back and roared in agony as he clasped his arm. He was now free and his mind relaxed releasing all the blocked pain. Kit crawled over to where Adonis was laying and kept nudging his shoulder.

This section, I couldn't quite make sense of. It seems like Adonis escaped and yet all of a sudden, he is on his back and roaring in agony? It's a bit unclear to me unfortunately.

Also, the part where he gets free seems a bit of a "Deus ex machina"...

Well, I love the story and hope that you can get a good score. Despite all the negative feedback, I was impressed by the writing and thought you did a great job overall. I only really saw it after reading it a few times to give you some feedback. Hope this helps.

[Solar Haven]

i have edited the first post, so for those that read the first version. please give the new version a read?