Who I Am and Who I Want to Be (Closed)

[BlackGhostofSeaside]

OOC: Closed to Sir Walter.

Julius stood in front of a wooden door. This would be his second fight here. He smirked, he would certainly win! He opened the door and stepped right in.

~~~

Julius looked in awe at the world around him. Julius could tell that he was "outside", however there was no sky and no landscape. There was not even a sun or stars above him... It was all pitch black. Julius blinked, this wasn't all. Julius was standing on a wooden platform. It was a large hexagon made of strong plank boards which didn't make a single noise at all under Julius's thick boots. At each edge of the hexagon were torches lit with strong, orange fires. Julius smirked and tried an experiment, he used his bloodline to absorb some of the fire from the nearest torch into an uneven ball his palm, however, no fire seamed to have left the torch as it was as bright as before. An unending fire? Julius concluded, interesting... Julius then turned to the blackness at the other side and threw the flames out, they "evaporated" into the darkness. Julius bit his lip a little, the nothing surrounding the platform was a limitation. Fall into there and Julius knew that he would be done.

Julius turned back to the platform; at the center was a small table. It was the size of a coffee table but had the design of an alter. In the center was one, un-blossomed, white rose in a glass vase. The vase was large and had some water in it. Julius sighed and looked around once more. This place in interesting...

Julius looked up, anywhere on the platform, even though the darkness surrounding was not limited, was safe. The torched of fire allowed Julius to see the enter platform quite well, so as long as he had his feet on this wooden hexagon, he was safe. Julius crossed his arms and tapped his foot, just imagining what his opponent would be like...

[Sir Walter]

Sir Walter had been delivering some food from the sick farmer to the citadel. He was glad to see that some people were able to see beyond the color of the skin (or lack of it) and give chance for people to show their true character. The knight had just finished unloading the cart and was about to head back to the farmer's house when one of the monks asked him a question.

“Sir Knight, would you be willing to battle another person? Someone backed out of a match last second and we were going to cancel the match but you seem to have similar abilities to the man who didn't show up,” the monk asked.

“It would be my pleasure to assist your order in any way I can. However, I must ask if the other person is a man or a woman. I have swore an oath to god that I would never harm a woman willingly and would do my best to protect them,” Sir Walter replied, trying to keep the chilling tone out of his voice.

“Well, then it should work out perfectly. I believe the man in the room is a mage of some sorts. Follow me, Sir Knight, and I'll lead you to the room,” the monk said as he started heading through the halls.

After a few minutes of walking through the maze of hallways, they arrived at the door to the room.

“Thank you very much for the delivery and agreeing to do this match, Sir Knight. I wish you the best of luck in your fight. Also, don't worry about taking back the cart. The healer going to see the farmer agreed to take the cart along with him,” the monk said with a small bow and then left.

“May the gods grant me a honorable duel,” Sir Walter silently prayed as he opened the wooden door.



Sir Walter entered the dark platform. Despite the heavy weight of his full armor, the wooden boards didn't even make a sound. Spotting the man by the small table, Sir Walter called out to make sure he didn't catch his opponent off-guard. Not making sure the opponent was prepared would be dishonorable for a righteous knight.

“Hello good sir. My name is Sir Walter and the monks have asked me to fill in for your opponent who apparently did not show up. Let me know if you need time to prepare and may the gods grant us a fair and honorable duel,” the undead's harsh, chilling, hollow voice rang out from beneath the steel helmet despite Sir Walter's best efforts to sound pleasant.

[BlackGhostofSeaside]

Julius looked over to the man in armor, Why did my original opponent back out? Julius shoved his curiosity off with a sigh and took a good look at his new opponent. He had all armor on, so much armor he couldn't see his face. Reminds me of Black Shadow, except it's armor and even his eyes are a mystery. He lowered his head a little, His armor is thick, it will be hard for me to pierce it. He smirked at another thought though, Well, I did ask for a challenge... He walked behind the table in the center, the flames dancing around him inside the dark, marble torches seemed to be silently pointing towards his opponent at the other side of the room. Julius took out his steel bow and pulled out an arrow. By chance, the arrow was steel. He pulled the arrow back with his bow and aimed towards the man. Remember your vital spots; neck, heart, liver... One of his eyes closed in his good attempt to aim and he rested his goal at the center of the man's chest, I'll take the heart!

Julius was actually half-hoping he would fail, given he wanted to see what his opponent was capable of and test it to his own strength; however, Julius also wondered if he would be able to win in this much short of time. No matter, as long as it made him stronger, he was okay with it... for her... He was a pretty good archer, so unless this guy knew how to do a basic dodge in the short amount of time the arrow was hurdling in the air, he wouldn't make it. His smirk failed and he gulped, then he let the arrow fly.

[Sir Walter]

“It's a bit rude not to answer your opponent but I guess this means he's ready,” thought Sir Walter as he watched the man draw his bow.

In response, the paladin quickly readied his heavy oak shield. The knight could see the man was a skilled archery but the undead had many years of battle experience and correctly guessed the arrow's path. The arrow buried itself with a solid thunk into the shield and almost broke through.

“Great shot, I can see you are a skilled archer. However, your targeting was too predictable with all the battles and assassination attempts I have been through,” the knight commented. As he was giving the speech, the knight rushed across the wooden floor with his sword and shield at the ready. The lights of the torches illuminated his polished armor as if to say the gods were with the knight.

“On guard!” Sir Walter shouted as he made a simple obvious swing of his steel sword towards his enemy's chest. The intent of the strike was to test his opponent's skills and be ready to guard against any hidden skills or abilities that his opponent might have in store.

[BlackGhostofSeaside]

Julius drew his sword as fast as he could and quickly blocked the blade. The fire around them seemed to burst a little, then returned to normal. Despite the fact that the boards seemed perfectly fine before, Julius heard a creaking sound now. His eyes narrowed as he growled, were they limited in time? The blades locked with each other for a couple seconds, the sound of steel in burning friction against each other after the echo of the clash seemed to boom in his ears due to Julius's sudden nerve. This guy is experienced! A trickle of sweat trickled down his forehead.

He broke their blade locks and stepped a couple feet back, "And how many battled and assassination were those?" His voice had briefly cracked at the start, but he had been able to make himself sound intimidating, and even mocking. "Who are you exactly?" He blinked as he peered at his opponent. While he had been saying those words, he had drawn another arrow out. It was wood, yew wood to be specific; this arrow had been in bows quiver for a while now, he probably even found this one in Fallien, so it was really dry.

He smiled.

A torch was right next to him, he put the tip of the dry, crooked arrow in the fire it possessed and it began to burn. He held it up to his face and let the flames burn for a moment, he had a rather interesting plan up his sleeve. He quickly flung the arrow towards the man. What this opponent wouldn't catch was that a small bit of that fire, which had been burning up to where his fingers gripped it, had stayed behind. Julius had snuck some of the flames behind his cupped hand and in his palm. The smirk he wore stayed where it was, it didn't matter whether he would get him or not; this man was toast.

[Sir Walter]

Here's my reply. Let me know if you want me to change it to make it easier for you or have something cleared up.

The young man seem to have some experience using the sword that blocked Sir Walter's blow. During the quick exchange, the knight could see that his level of swordsmanship was clearly superior which was not surprising considering he had trained long before Julius was even born. However, what worried the paladin was the creaking of what had been a firm wooden board beneath his armored feet.

"And how many battled and assassination were those?" Julius's voice had briefly cracked at the start, but he had been able to make himself sound intimidating, and even mocking. "Who are you exactly?"

“This arena seems to be falling apart. I guess I should end this sooner than later,” Sir Walter thought to himself as he listened to his opponent's speech.

“Again, my name is Sir Walter. I come from a town that sadly creases to exists. I have started training long before you were born and endured hundreds if not thousands of small battles protecting the town from bandits, thieves, and even a large army from a neighboring lord,” Sir Walter calmly replied as he followed his enemy to the edge of the arena.

The undead warrior kept a close distance as he watched with interest as his opponent pulled out an arrow and stuck it into the fire. Having been told he was up against a mage, fighting magicians before, and seeing the arrow dipped into fire, it didn't take a genius to predict a fireball. However, the sudden flare of fire was bigger than he expected, catching him slightly off-guard and managing to light his oak shield ablaze.

Immediately, Sir Walter threw the shield towards the other end of the platform and charged the mage to catch his opponent before another fireball could be released. The platform behind him lit up in flames but if the knight was determined to end this match quickly before those flames reached him. The first swing came hard and fast. Unlike the previous test blow, this had the knight's full strength and speed, resulting in a blur of steel. If Sir Walter had judged his opponent correctly, his strength should be able to overcome any direct block and damage his enemy. Since they were near the edge, dodging should be more difficult or so the undead thought based on his experience.

[BlackGhostofSeaside]

Julius couldn't believe that despite his time deceiving everyone as a thief, that he hadn't been able to hide the second patch of fire! It was only a small amount, about the size of a small bottle, but now it had evaporated by the time that this Sir Walter had come up to him. Darn, I'm screwed if this guy had so much experience on the field! The man swung hard at him, Julius ducked and scrambled closer to the center of the platform. He could tell that he was already getting on the knight's nerves. Julius quickly grabbed an arrow and threw it at him before jumping onto the table. He then looked down to notice some kind of lever hanging off the side of it. He pushed it down with his foot and jumped when the room started to expand further out. More boards started appearing right in front of Sir Walter and expanded out into the darkness. One or two torches appeared along the way as the walk way magically appeared. Julius blinked, "Cool..."

The fire at the other side of the room was expanding closer towards the table; so Julius jumped off and started towards the plank expansion, his sword ready for Sir Walter's next move.

[Sir Walter]

Changed my post before yours a little bit to hopefully make it sound better.

Somehow, the mage avoided Sir Walter's swing without suffering any apparent damage. Even the follow up slashes seemed to only scratch the wooden floor boards as the knight tried to hit the escaping acrobat. The paladin thought he felt resistance during at least one of the swings but that might have just been the floor.

“Not good, if the mage releases another fireball, I don't have a shield to block it again,” the knight thought as he chased after the escaping mage. “Not sure what the effects would be but I would rather not find out.”

However, the undead couldn't quite keep up due to the platemail slowed down and could only observe as mage tossed an arrow his way and pulled some kind of lever on the side of the table. Without the force of a bow, the arrow bounced off harmlessly off the steel platemail. However, the lever caused Sir Walter to halt his advance as he noticed walkways appearing off the sides of the arena. There appeared to be four different paths: north, east, west, and south. However, the fire was spreading on the south and east paths leaving the north and the west paths behind the knight open.

“Hmm, I think this armor is slowing me down too much. I doubt I can quite prevent the thief from running around me. Should I take it off? No, it would be dishonorable since it might terrorize my opponent and gain me an unfair advantage.”

Making this quick decision, the knight decided to just keep the pressure on the mage the best he could be advancing across the wooden platform towards the nimble mage and roaring fire. “I'll swing if I can get in range,” Sir Walter thought as he ran the best he could.

[BlackGhostofSeaside]

Julius noted about how he came right towards him and towards the fire. Julius smirked, "Unwise decision, Sir Walter; I can control any fire at my will, you jerk!" And with that he doubled back right to where the flames were. Though the amount of fire he could control was still weak, he had an unlimited amount of times he could use it and what time stood in between. He caught all the fire he could in his left hand and threw it at the knight. Immediately after he released it, his right hand which had already been in place also collected all the fire he could handle and threw it. All and all, five seconds had passed between the time he had made them, and they were headed straight towards the man.

This was only half of Julius' plan though. Right after he had released the second fireball, he grabbed another ball of fire and raced straight towards the north plank. If the man turned and attacked him, Julius would still have yet another fireball ready; if not this guy was toast. Either way, Julius was sure he would make it to the closest plank. His time as a robber had caused him to be this cocky and yes, cruel. However, Julius still wasn't the cruelest person ever; not near it, thanks to her. His time in the darkness had cost him his morality, and so even while running he considered Maybe this plan was a bit too harsh. But, eh, it's a citadel fight after all!

[Sir Walter]

“Unwise decision indeed,” realized Sir Walter too late as the full power of the mage became apparent. The knight managed to dodge the first fireball by throwing himself to the side but the second caught the undead straight on. He could feel the blazing heat causing the armor to heat up and cause pain. Additionally, it seemed the fire was disrupting the dark magic flowing throughout his body. And if that wasn't bad enough, the floor began burning around the undead paladin.

“Good fire control, it seems I have completely underestimated your abilities both physically and magically,” Sir Walter nodded to his opponent as he tried to get out of the growing fire beneath him. The heavy hot armor did not help the knight any in this task.

“What can I do now? At this point, there is too much fire on the platform. It seems like he needs to use the flames so if he uses the torches instead of the fiery fountain, I won't get hurt as much. However, this armor is already extremely hot and my strength has been sapped by the fire I just escaped from. Should I go east? Wait, that would be dishonorable for me to resort to cowardly tactics as a knight. There is a place for that but a duel is not one of them.”

Making up his mind, the knight gathered his remaining strength to charge at the mage only to have another fireball thrown in his face. His body burned from the heat and his strength seemed to take a further hit. Still, the knight carried on and gave his best swings. He would give his best, anything less would be dishonorable.

[BlackGhostofSeaside]

The fire is only the size of a hound dog, which is why Julius threw it so fast and quickly grabbed another xD So sorry if it seemed a little too harsh for the flame-throwing, Julius was doing his best though and even limitations to how much fire can be controlled does not limit how much he can control and throw in a minute. So basically I'm saying that I do not believe my last post was power-gaming and if you would like me to change that last post, Sir Walter, please let me know.

Julius was puzzled, at least some of the small amounts of fire he had been able to throw at a time should have set the man himself on fire, why wasn't he at least wincing in pain and burning on fire? Julius' eyes narrowed as he instead charged towards him. It was a good sign that his speed was decreasing, and Julius was happy to hear that he was getting the recognition he deserved from him before. Julius, however, dodged Sir Walter's blow and raced towards the eastern side where the fire hadn't reached anything yet. On his way racing towards his post, Julius put his sword away and got his bow out again. Once there, Julius quickly drew an arrow and one after the other shot at the slowing knight. Since then, Julius pulled himself back onto the skinny walkway and raced to where, suddenly, there was an entirely different platform. He could see the original one clearly in view only several placed away. Julius didn't take much notice of this or even his opponent at all as he looked up and around at his surroundings....

[Sir Walter]

I don't think you are really powergaming with the fireballs in the last post. It's all in your ability sheet and it was my mistake to start the big fire. Anyways, you win. :D Feel free to submit this if you want to end it here.

Sir Walter body felt like it was ablaze with the hot metal sitting on top of his bones. He had tried his best to not show it but as the full force of the pain hit, the knight couldn't help but stumble a bit as he attempted to hit the nimble mage. The man danced around his strike and sprinted towards the east walkway.

“Is this all I could accomplish? Have the gods truly forsaken me?” the undead wondered as forced his heavy armor towards the retreating figure. As if to answer his question, the wildfire roared and a cracking, groaning noise could be heard as the wooden platform began to crumble.

To make matters worst, the mage had drawn his bow and began rapidly firing arrows at the paladin. Without his shield to block, the undead could do nothing but try to move forward against this storm. But like a tempest, the arrows forced the knight back into the burning hell.

“I... lost...” was Sir Walter's last thought as the burning platform collapsed into the darkness and swallowed his screams of pain.

[BlackGhostofSeaside]

Julius' eyes widened as he watched the noble knight fall down the burning platform, the other side of him momentarily taking control, "No!" He dropped his bow and reached out towards the man he had just slain. For a moment, the sweaty boy just stood there with his hand stretched out. Then what happened? Julius... Smirked. He drew heavy breaths as he proclaimed, "I... won... I won!"

A bright, full smile had appeared on his face as he swirled around in celebration, "I won I tell you, I won!!" Immediately after he fell to his knees, exhausted in the heat of his battle. He took a moment to look around. This new platform was almost exactly like the last one, except no posts of fire were on it, but pillars of wooden men and woman that were probably famous, but Julius had no idea who they were.

He looked up into the darkness and just kept smiling, "Ashla... I did it." His mind drifted to the beautiful hybrid girl of icy lineage he loved, "I defeated somebody, I-I became stronger... For you."

Just then, the monks must have decided to bring Julius back to the real world, thus, he began to fade. Julius was happy at his fictory, but at the same time, his heart had taken over. I forgot to say these words, Sir Walter, He thought with his green eyes peacefully shut, You were a brave knight and a strong opponent. I'm sorry I only showed you my nasty side, cause... He opened his eyes, flashing white overtaking him...

Who you are... is who I want to be.

This thread is now DONE and will be submitted for judging! Thank you so much for joining once again, Sir Walter! You are awesome! Let us hope that we will be blessed with a good score! xD

[Lye]

Thread Title: Who I Am and Who I Want to Be (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26488)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: BlackGhostofSeaside vs Sir Walter



Plot: 15 --- 16

Story- 4/10---6/10
This battle lacked a good foundation. BGoS could have exceptionally benefit from some form of purpose for being there in the opening. The “he would certainly win!� was the only sentence pointing to a reason, and it didn’t wrap up until the end. Some serious points could have been earned if a simple opening thought was posted like “Who am I? What have I been doing with this life?� It would have foreshadowed that line at the end and come full circle. If more thoughts like that were peppered throughout the battle while Walter struggled, BGoS would have been fighting on equal ground in the story category. Walter gives a brief opening and a reason to get involved in the fight. The reason isn’t particularly solid, but it is possible, and therefore believable. There certainly was an apparent attempt to bring a purpose to Walter’s actions, and although the character development did not carry, the writing gives a solid definition of Walter’s past.

Setting- 7/10---5/10
It was difficult to read through the repetitive mentioning of “fire� throughout the thread. Although that was a main theme, synonyms like “blaze�, “flame�, “inferno�, “ember�, or “pyre� would have varied it enough to be tolerable. That being said, BGoS set the precedent for using, creating, and operating within the setting. Due do his abilities, this put Walter at a disadvantage to use the setting to the same caliber. Walter was forced into a reactionary role, but did well with BGoS’s continuing development.

Pacing- 4/10---5/10
Both players struggled here and primarily due to the repetition of events. Walter, used repetition of speech from his opponent’s post which dampened the reading flow. Any time a sentence is repeated verbatim, the reader pauses in a sense of déjÃ* vu. It is similar to throwing a car into reverse while driving on the freeway. Improvements have been made from past threads, but if speech needs to be wedged between an opponent’s, contact them by PM to insert your line in their post. Another option is to summarize their statement instead of repeating it: “Walter felt his taunting questions to be disrespectful.â€� Then, continue into your reply. OOC tags also disrupted visual flow. They are fine to use during the thread, but get into the habit of removing them afterward as to not spoil content or break the fantasy that has been generated. BGoS, certain lack-luster statements detracted from some of the more colorful descriptors. “Julius sighed and looked around once more. This place in interesting…â€� Aside from the spelling error, these sentences have little point to drive anything. There was also a mention of a rose in a vase that seemingly disappeared later in the thread when Julius jumped atop the table. In the first post, the name “Juliusâ€� was used 16 times out of 331 words – Nearly 5% of the total post. Variance keeps the flow going. In the end, Walter performed with more consistent pacing and less run-ons/repetition.



Character: 14 --- 17

Communication- 4/10---6/10
In regards to sheer quantity, Walter comes out on top through both monologue and dialogue. Walter’s speech seems to match that of a knight trying to stay noble. The undead’s speech tends to be a little rigid and slightly unbelievable for someone who lived such a robust past life. A recommendation is to watch a few old fantasy or knight movies to get a better grip of dialogue presentation. Walter should sound compassionate, but battle hardened. His abundant compassion makes it hard to believe that he accomplish great feats on the gory fields of battle where brutality and strength commonly dictate life and death. Still, his thoughts and speech stuck to the character and were in the right direction. Julius, on the other hand, began to sound a lot like Ashla. Now, this is coming off biased since I have read prior threads by BGoS, but my initial learning of Julius dictated him as a troubled soul that was cold and almost ruthless. This side of him had Ashla’s pep and zest. This may be what you were aiming for, but I didn’t see an avenger in him, nor did his inner monologue match some of his underhanded tactics.

Action-5/10---5/10
Once again, this arena catered to Julius with the wooden platforms and endless fire to manipulate. It severely put Walter at the disadvantage. Luckily, the fact Julius evaded every blow worked to Walter’s advantage in score. Walter also made some tactical observations to combat the fire mage. Though Julius certainly was in his elements and used the elements creatively to come out on top, even a glancing blow to increase the drama would have improved the thread immensely. Though IC wins feel fantastic, believability through taking hits and then still coming out on top is exceptionally more gratifying – not only for the writer, but the reader as well. Since Walter did the best with what he had, and Julius used the elements but failed to take a single blow, the scores are level here.

Persona- 5/10---6/10
Taking a completely unbiased approach, Julius started off as a more observational character, finding interest in many things. This carried into a few more posts before an excitement seemed to melt way at the more refined identity that was first established. For Walter, the knightly “honor� was maintained throughout. The emphasis on fairness and honor was almost too excessive, be careful not to drive a concept into the story. Give enough to the reader to get the idea and let the actions do the rest.



Prose: 15 --- 16.5

Mechanics- 5/10---5.5/10
Both players had considerable errors. BGoS struggled with semicolon use. Many instances a semicolon was used, a comma or period was more appropriate. Minor errors with incorrect letters also peppered the writing “torched� in post one should have been “torches�. Shortly after that, the word “enter� should have been “entrance� to make more sense. During one of BGoS’s only dialogue moments, “battled� should have been “battles�. Get in the habit or re-reading a post either right after or the next day to pick up on little errors like this. BGoS had a few run on sentences. In the middle of BGoS’s second paragraph of the first post was one large beast of a run on sentence. Another one occurred in the second paragraph of post three. Keep an eye out for those. Walter nearly ran into a run on during a bit of dialogue in the second post, but only lacked the proper punctuation.

Clarity- 5/10---6/10
Repeated words and usage of “apparently�, “pretty good�, and odd additions of time frames (five seconds) caused confusion in the read. Vague descriptors or unneeded time frames throw off illusion created through the rest of the text. In pst four, BGoS struggled to paint a clear scene with the final attack. It was clear that not only the reader misunderstood, but the opponent as well. Some details are difficult to give great detail on, and to maintain clarity, a more basic approach is needed. Details are the rope that could give more freedom and flexibility, or loop around the neck to hang. Julius had a few scenes that did not translate well, where as Walter had clearer writing, but lacked that zest in his attacks. Plain swings of the blade could have been translated into parries, thrusts, feints, or lashes. Precision is beneficial in melee combat versus the “fire and forget� of long range combat. Aim for the neck, joints, or soft tissue of the midsection. As a soldier of wars long past, Walter should have his footwork and movements exceptionally precise. Research information is out there and can help translate combat maneuvers into something unique.

Technique- 5/10---5/10
BGoS maintains that zest and pep seen in prior writing. A more youthful approach to the professional role play environment, it has potential to be refreshing and unique. The balance is still off kilter and perhaps not the best fit for Julius. Both players were quite literal in their presentation and would have benefited from more colorful literary techniques. Simple lines like “burst to flames like Autumn’s dry leaves�(simile), or “flames danced in his hand�(personification) would have upped the ante in detail presentation. BGoS was also so close to using foreshadowing (see the comments under story). Keep growing, both of you, you’re on the right track.



Wildcard: 8 --- 7.5

I’m pulling for you BGoS. You are making great strides as you keep going. You take to advice exceptionally well and show promise. You’ve truly made a name for yourself on Althanas and I want to see your name on a Judge’s Choice in the future. Don’t give up and keep giving it your all.

Walter/Fox/Wolf/Sanste, I’m also amazed at the progress you’ve made since our first battle. You are really gripping onto the meat of good stories and strong presentation. There are still some areas that need improvement, but you are rising through the ranks with alarming speed. Keep building yourself up and you too will be hitting the marks for a Judge’s Choice in the future.



Final Score: 52---57

Sir Walter (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17192) Wins!:


525 EXP!
60 GP!

Congratulations!


BlackGhostofSeaside (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16357) Receives:


150 EXP!
30 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!