View Full Version : Crimson kissed snow.
OOC: Takes place sometime after Soothing The Blood-Thirsty Fires Within. (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26140-Soothing-The-Blood-Thirsty-Fires-Within)
This is a solo leading to a second part.
All manner of a familiar life vanquished in a chance encounter after nearly brushing with death, and aided without request by a ravenous assassin. Not only did routine no longer play such a distinct part, but the formerly bitter winds were in no way inviting any longer. The cold touch of snow chilled exposed arms where once the loyal feeling of negative temperatures went without second thought. Clearly the mystic’s delicate attire posed problematic, created with thin material that usually would not withstand biting gales. Noir never before ventured anyplace other than the long ruined Jade Kingdom and the Skavian wilds, and there dwelled a place near the headquarters that she wanted to venture, and shop for some heavier attire. Archen, Gateway to the North currently known for refining the immense pine logs and trading of bounteous furs, a perfect place to purchase wintry garb.
Noir recently noticed Lye too "polite" to ask for his beloved crimson vlince scarf back, and his emerald eyes sometimes casually wandered to the material. A silent gesture for her to return it, but nay the days passed without handing the material over. Its thermal fibers were wrapped around her thin neck while donning this scarf continuously, and most days passed forgetting that the fabric remained there. The metallic tinge of his blood still apparent on it, this notion would turn off others, but Noir was partial to it as if it gave her comfort in the lonely world. Time finally emerged to assume some heavier clothing of her own and return his signature garment--unfortunately.
Without the strict permission of Lye to travel forth, Noir placed herself at risk, but did not want to impose on his crucial matters with The Order. Trekking to Archen remained non-entertaining as thoughts of disobeying occasionally plagued her usually untroubled mind. Zai improved one hundred percent from the dire wolf attack and kept her company through the picturesque landscape as a fierce snow leopard. Both strange beings found solace in the hushed wilderness surrounded by the natural sounds resembling serene music, created by Mother Nature. Previously they had spent years doing just this, the same pattern every day without complaint. Both creatures of habit, always seeming to return to the frigid weather, was it their destiny?
It was the stone wall which caught her eye followed by the gigantic lumber mills. Zai shifted to a snowy owl flying off toward the commotion of people hard at work. The community*seemed*cozy as Noir*entered the city; smoke billowed from chimneys, log houses were illuminated from the inside. Even though the terrain surrounding Archen was vicious and cold the*town*seemed as if it*were wrapped in a snuggly shawl. Noir felt entirely out of place among the bustle, people tightly wrapped with coats of animal hide all donning the same color palette of dark browns and beige's. The luminescent purples coating the entities dress made her stick out*betwixt this town*like blood splattered among the pure white snow.
The laws here were especially strict with magic users, and she certainly appeared magically capable. Curious eyes would lock onto her form*with apprehension*uneasiness, but were*quickly eased*over with*faux smiles and greeting*nods. All friendly expressions surprisingly, though they continued to move on quickly, and rushed back to their locations. The civilians seemed to be getting ready to close shop however, which posed a problem. The apricot colored sun fading quite fast as boys with tall lighting sticks with fire on one end would stand tippy toed to open a glass box, and light a candle upon the tall post. Noir did not plan on staying the night here, and most would arch a brow in bewilderment that one would trek all the way back again. She was not accustomed to staying in strange places, and paying for a bed when she*just as easily could*stay outside for free was nonsense--although inconvenient.
“Such a pretty one you are Miss.” An older woman motioned to the lavender stranger walking past, her smile off-center as if from stroke. “How do you travel in this weather so bare child?” She shook her head very visibly at first, but the tremors seemed to continue faintly. “Here, let me bundle you up dear.” The old woman continued to say warmly smiling all the while, and flung an arm motioning for the violet hued maiden to come closer into the opened shop.
This woman seemed to know what the entity desired, and it was quite nice that she did not need to request directions after all.
“Not a talker my dear?” Two worn jade eyes looked back to the stranger entering the pleasant shop.
Noir managed a quaint closed mouth smile and shook her head twice in reply.
“Such a shame, you look like you bear a story. Tis fine; some things are better left unsaid, hmm?” A shaky voice implied.
She became delighted with the old woman’s personality instantly, and otherwise harsh violet hues seemed to sparkle suddenly. The old woman took notice, and smiled wider leaving her customer to browse the wares. The room the two were currently in was decent in size, filled with numerous types of pelts ranging in mostly darker tones. Finished vests and other outerwear hung on wooden pegs toward the center.
“Here dear.” A breathy voice suddenly called out.
The hunched over woman had managed to retrieve a long fur coat longer than her short frame from a back room closed off to the public. She was struggling with the item, hobbling over at a snail’s pace. Both Noir’s eyebrows rose slightly and she rushed over to the woman, gently scooping the extravagant ivory and grey covering up. The fur was exceptionally soft to the touch and each bristle shuttered when breathed upon. Arms slipped into the masterpiece, the older woman admiring the two beautiful pieces of work coming together. The coat flowed on the ground, when walking it would drag behind like a veil train. Slender fingers flipped up the hood attached to the coat, it was very fluffy and warm framing her face beautifully.
“Stunning dear, simply stunning you are in this coat.” The woman sighed as if gazing upon falling snow for the first time in all her years.
The lavender mystic was pleased, this coat was everything she could want*and more,*however, it was most likely out of her price range. In fact, she did not even bother to ask the price.
“Do you have something…” Noir hesitated to try to find the right word “Shorter?”
“Uh, yes we do…but, what’s the problem dear. You do not like it?” The old woman looked shocked, and her tone also voiced it.
“I do not need such a heavy duty coat; it would be wasted on me.” Noir softly stated, and began slipping the material off.
“No!” The woman said sternly.
“Huh?” Noir halted all movement and blinked stunned.
“Nonsense, don’t you try to trick an old woman. This coat was practically made for you.”
“I—“ Noir began to say looking down to the coat, her eyes caught the silver necklace with swirling azure. Someone gave this trinket to her long ago, it was ancient and practically priceless, and it also matched the butterfly clip in her lilac hair. Could she part with these gifts for a fur coat, it almost seemed too cruel.
The woman smiled with an all telling expression, getting the hint that the outsider possessed not enough money to purchase the expensive piece of clothing.
“No need dear, it was practically made for you, it’s yours.” The old woman repeated with a soothing tone, nodding to confirm the free purchase.
She could not help but feel torn on whether to accept this gift of compassion or not. The woman did not want to take no for an answer, and genuinely appeared like she wanted to give this away. She placed her arm back into the sleeve and smiled walking over to the woman, opening her arms awkwardly to give a thankful hug. Otherwise quite unorthodox for the entity, but strange enough*Noir felt compelled to give this woman a hug,*however, the woman took a rickety step back.*A smile vanished*from her angelic expression*because*she was utterly confused.
“No*need dear.” The woman continued to smile, but the atmosphere seemed to drop a few degrees. Less welcoming than it had been when Noir entered the first time, it was time to go.
Noir nodded and exited the shop with the luxurious coat wrapped around her slender frame. She did not show affection often, but the two times she had tried she was rejected by both Lye, and now this woman. How pathetic...
Rejected hues scanned the area for the hooting of the snowy owl lurking close. Perched on a wooden fence covered in frost, it was twisting is neck around casually waiting. Noir signaled with a nod of her head toward the direction of the same way in which they arrived. Expecting the animal to follow, it instead took off in the opposite direction apparently attracted to the ringing bells of a funeral service. A single feather cascaded down from the sky as the only evidence the demon had ever been there. She gazed back only to realize that her familiar had left, and quickly changed directions to search for it in aggravation.
Additional feathers nearly camouflage against the snow were the only hints to the sneaky demons whereabouts. Leaving behind footprints in the snow, Noir continued to follow*yonder*through the dimly lit path stopping before a cemetery. Passing through an arched iron wrought gate toward a nearly deserted area near the edge of town, the lawn rowed with tombstones peeking through the snow like tulips. Nearing closer her interested violet gaze examined an open box, but she stopped in place before witnessing the contents inside. She did not want to impose upon the family’s private moment, but the owl rested above the open grave on a withered branch.
The family appeared quite poor wearing ragged attire, and hysterical with sobs of sorrow standing atop the tiny hill. The priest mouthed inaudible words as two men closed the lid, and hammered long nails to secure it into place. Only four members stayed for a brief moment as the same two men then lowered the wooden box, and began to shovel in crumbled earth. The attendees had been few, but their feelings for the person in the coffin were strong and heartfelt.
There were dim hanging lanterns to highlight some of the silent grave-site as the sun finally submitted. The heartbroken family took leave after the priest overlooking the lavender stranger’s presence. Zai swooped down to inspect the freshly buried grave, refusing to leave. If any other district*Noir would have finally left the stubborn creature to its own device*and begin to head off, but this place of fatality bloomed fourth past memories. A giant statue in ivory stone seemed to beckon her over, resembling a weeping angel hunched over a square podium in devastation. There were no engraved descriptions on the front of this hauntingly beautiful tomb other than a single letter reading ‘H’. Each other stone bore a quote of love and remembrance, except this one.
It seemed odd and morbid to the family-less entity to have places like these, immortalizing the dead. Yet families came to pay respect, leaving behind dried and wilted flowers sprinkled above mounds of dirt. How wonderful it must be to have loved and lost, to be missed, but always remembered. Noir would never experience this…
A sudden crash sounded from where the burial had taken place, and a sickening crunching could be heard. Noir back rushed to the area immediately only to look upon an atrocious mess. The tidy grave had been ripped to bits, planks of broken wood resting against strewn dirt. The coffin lay exposed again in the ground, Zai must have quickly shifted between forms in order to achieve such destruction. The most horrible sight was not of the shredded grave, but of the leopard devouring the corpse in haste.
“What have you done?” Noir quietly gasped watching as the leopard licked its jowls. Its body began to shift, but it did not stop and eventually began sprouting human anatomy—quite horrendously.
Before her lay a body with raven black hair and damp fringe bangs. She arose bare before Noir in the cemetery; both eyes including pupil, iris, and sclera were a demonic charcoal pitch black. The woman was beautiful in an infernal kind of way. The flesh colored scars she had received while battling dire wolves in the Skavian wilderness were visibly raised, surrounding her thin thighs, arms, and side to her back. The only difference between the host body now lay within the two medium protruding horns upon its head.
“That was excruciating.” Zai jeered toward the astonished Noir in demonic tongue but midway switched to common. She shivered a bit bringing arms across her chest to seal in any warmth. “Chilly isn’t it?” Zai added jokingly.
“Zai, what have you done?!” Noir demanded with both hands covering her mouth with fear struck eyes. “Come.” Noir panicked while hastily fidgeting with the newly acquired coat practically throwing the fur over the demon’s nude body.
Zai hunched over a bit from the sudden weight and slide the coat off of her head. Before the horned demon could completely slip the coat on Noir grabbed Zai’s wrist, tugging her along down the cemetery path. The proximity of figures in the distance began to close, and Noir took a double take at Zai’s otherworldly features. She began pushing Zai’s horns down extremely hard with both hands.
“Ow, what are you doing? Stop! I’ll take care of it!” Zai swung both hands at Noir’s fingers, batting them away. Black eyes faded to piercing grey hues instead, horns receded from whence they came. “So rough!*Are you content now?” Zai arched a brow in question to the nerve wrecked entity.
As they were walking a frigid breeze blew the coat partially open unexpectedly, exposing a bare woman beneath for only a second. A family walking by draped in warm furs gasped in horror from the indecency, and the mother began covering her child’s eyes as the father could not help but ogle at the odd sight.
“Whoops, pardon.” Zai chuckled and smirked deviously. “Hello there, lovely night do you disagree?” The concealed demoness continued to say with no hint of shame.
“We need to leave here, immediately.” Noir whispered with a devastated tone as the family hustled away. A single finger touching the bottom of her lip as intense eyes quickly scanned all directions—on edge.
“I am too tired to return at this moment, and need to rest.” Zai begged in a childlike tone, almost stomping her bare feet on the snow blanketed the ground in protest.
“We cannot stay here with you looking like--this!” Noir’s pitch rose, frost vapor from the wintry air escaped with each syllable.
“I am sorry lovely, but I cannot shift back tonight even if I wanted to.” Zai shook her head and shrugged shoulders buried beneath thick fur. “I’ll surely freeze to death out there…” She plastered on the guilt with pleading eyes.
“Fine…” Noir sad bluntly giving in, and continued to pull the demon along the way searching for an inn.
It took a while to find accommodations, but finally a wooden sign dangling by two chains invited them in with shelter for pay. ‘Dire Wolf Lodge…’ Noir thought scornfully, referring back to a near death experience. An exiting gentleman held the door open for Noir and her companion, and they entered into the cordial atmosphere.
“Can we have a room for the night?” Noir asked while*approaching a man standing behind a wooden podium.
He looked exceptionally bored as he fiddled with placing potent tobacco into a cob pipe, not noticing their arrival at first. The mountainous man grumbled a ‘yes’ behind his short boxed beard. Lazily his head lifted up to newcomers, and his chestnut colored hues grew twice in size as he straightened up.
“One bed milady?” He swallowed hard and brushed away the tobacco flakes with a free hand. Speckled pieces had been scattered along his fur vest.
His head began turning between the two beauties standing before him, and he clearly began thinking inappropriate thoughts. His mouth salivating at the naughty things he expected these two creatures would be up to--or what he fantasized them to do. Noir could not have been any more apathetic, and threw him a cold stare while Zai vamped up the charm factor.
“You see I am awfully tired Sir, and we almost did not make it here. My body is just so sore, and in need of some rejuvenation.” Zai tossed him a seductive smile and leaned in.
The demoness’ hand began to rise to his face to touch the bristles of well-groomed facial hair, but Noir snatched Zai’s hand before the encounter. She walked past him grabbing a room key off of a hook, angrily tugging the relentless flirt behind.
“We’ll take this room.” Noir muttered while quickly holding the key above her head, and stormed up the worn red oak stairs with Zai.
The room was just as cozy as the log houses with logs of wood already placed into the stone fireplace, and two fur blankets spread atop two full beds.
“Bright and early I will purchase you clothing. Had I known this would transpire, we would never have left.” Noir vented while tossing the silver key on top of an oak end table.
Zai appeared oblivious to the wrongdoings she had previously committed, exchanging the fur coat for a wool blanket draped over a rocking chair. She wrapped the covering around her frame, and tied a snug knot to keep it from falling.
“You’re not upset with me are you? It’s not like she will need this body in the afterlife.” Zai shrugged one bare shoulder.
“You’re telling me after all this time you decide to take a human embodiment*now? We also can never return here, we already look suspicious.” Noir snapped, glaring at the newly constructed familiar.
“We haven’t stumbled upon a suitable body before—bandits always look so riddled with disease.” Zai said disgustedly. “I grew weary of waiting, and she seemed perfect. I did not think it would work actually since she was already dead.” The sweet tone resounded apathetically as she began twisting a lock of raven hair around a finger.
“You disregarded our life for a comely host?” Noir huffed, completely dismayed.
“My, I have never seen you so lively with words before. See, already my charm is rubbing off. You are much too quiet, and brooding, no one desires such passive behavior.” Zai smiled and teasingly*flicked the angry entities chin up with a finger, but Noir swatted the insulting motion away.
“You should refrain from acting so flirtatious with men; you may tempt the wrong one and you cannot defend yourself this way.” Noir avoided her words and changed the subject.
“I have simply taken note of the way you act toward Lye. Are you contradicting your own actions?” Zai retorted, and Noir shot her an extremely irked expression with a hint of devastation.
“You have adapted my personality based around one interaction?” Noir questioned in dread.
“I do not truly know you yet my dear. We have been wondering in silence for what, only an eternity? No time at all.” Zai said sincerely scratching her head in thought. “You would have thought we would have had many a meaningful conversations right?—why did Lye not accompany you anyway? More important issues to attend to perchance?”
“Why is that of any concern to you? He’s not my keeper after all...” Noir snapped and faded into another subject with a softer tone. “Am I to assume that you will be using this form very often?” Noir tried to hide how fearful she was because this demon was exceptionally blunt. Internally she twisted with nervousness at the thought of Lye and Zai meeting—she would truly test his patience. Zai took note of the barely visible fear, but her grin stretched even further.
“Do hope that will not pose a problem with anyone. I am already quite fond of a human form.” The demon’s sly expression faded as Noir sighed, and turned her attention to starting a fire.
“This girl was a saint, what a wasted life.” Zai snidely quipped, breaking the brief few moments of needed silence.
“How could you possibly know how she lived her life?” Noir refused to acknowledge the sentence with any look, undoubtedly fed up.
Zai tapped her own forehead three times with an index finger.
“Her memories, how else would I be able to speak a language I have never spoken before? It’s all in here, every beautiful memory—she was so sweet.” Zai’s laugh was catty. “Would you like to know how she died?” She continued, questioning impishly.
“Such facts do not interest me Zai, I thought you needed to rest? You seem quite sprightly to me.” Noir said with a quick glare, poking the emerging fire.
“Heartbreak…”
Noir sighed at the answer and decided to nudge a charring piece of timber with a fireplace poker, expecting to hear the rest of the nonessential story.
“Quite a scandal really because she was with child at one point. Come to find that the man was married. On top of that, he refused to acknowledge her any longer, and the unborn child. Such naivety, do you not agree?” Zai smirked.
“What will you do now that you are human, and where do I fit in to this picture?” Noir demanded to change the subject for a third time, Zai’s mindless chatter striking a nerve.
“Well, now that I have a human form I can become more self-sufficient.” She started to bite her nails looking a bit rejected, but she perked up again quickly. “Did you know, I can start to manifest my powers in this vessel? There are hardly any limitations with*humans, but it will take time. I will be of greater help to you now…I do wish to help you Noir, please understand that.” The words toward the end were genuine, much like the concerned look in the demon’s dusky hues.
Before the exhausted entity could respond*to the sincere well-being involving a helpful hand, the lively creature once again switched to a lighthearted demeanor.
“Will I get my own quarters like you have?” Zai questioned in a cutesy manner, grinning all the while in a childlike fashion.
“Why is that of any relevance, and has he not shown us enough gratitude already?“ The poker had been placed back onto an iron holder as Noir arose, brushing a few stray flecks of soot off of her opalescent dress.
“By trying to slaughter you and nearly leaving me to my demise—oh why yes, he is so benevolent!” The reply oozed with sarcasm from the ungrateful demon’s lips as she plopped down onto the twin bed, and folded her arms in a pout beginning to swing legs back and forth playfully. This feisty response pushed Noir to the brink of patience and within a second a hand found itself wrapped around the immature creature’s throat. Instead of fear emanating from Zai’s hues ire took its place, and she remained still letting the situation unfold.
“Listen here” She hissed but promptly*cleared her throat and released, shaking a few long tresses off of her shoulders to gather patience. “Listen…” She restarted once again in a slow tone, hardly composed. “You have always been free to go. There are still no chains tied to you, but you will not cause me any more issues, you will show me no defiance, and you will do what I say from now on.”
“You don’t know whom you are talking to do you? Who was the one who rescued you from a freezing fate, gave you another chance to live your pathetic life, and then waste it with that murderer? You forget so soon pretty one?” Zai’s quip could have pieced through thick glass and the comment surely cut Noir deep within.
The overcome entity was enraged but did not flinch. Every time her emerald sentinel’s name escaped from Zai’s filthy mouth she could feel the pulsing of her heart quicken in pace, and did not understand why.
“Like you too I was punished, exiled for doing what I thought was best. Insurmountable power held within my grasp, wasted.” Zai scoffed while throwing her own hands to the side in frustration, recounting memories from a past life Noir*currently was not*unaware of.
“You know nothing about my life, and you know nothing about Lye.” Offended, Noir shook her head in contempt refusing to look upon the demon’s soulless eyes.
“Neither do you. Believe me, he will turn on you and cannot be trusted. I am your true companion, for I always have been.” Soft spoken the irritation faded away from the words Zai mentioned.
Noir finally cast a resentful gaze and eyed this devious creature standing before her, more sinister than she could ever have imagined. “I do not believe your intentions—“ Hastily she was cut off, not able to finish the sentence.
“Don’t say things you may in time learn to regret. I mean him no harm. I am simply here to look after your best interest, to steer you in the right direction, and help you attain your true potential again. You have been away from the world for so long, and it’s not like it used to be. You’ll learn soon enough that everyone is only looking after themselves, using others to achieve their goals...” Zai seemed to be referring to someone lost long ago. How did she know? She seemed so hauntingly similar to Noir’s dead mistress Haruka.
The newly formed woman rose to embrace the defensive Noir, bringing a hand to sweep away long locks of lavender. Stunned, violet hues watched with discretion and did not resist the odd show of affection. Noir gradually wrapped her arms around the warm body hesitantly, but in this moment it felt so wonderful to be in contact with someone who had no cautious qualm of her. This was not the embrace that she truly desired however, her mind referred back to the single short lived caress she shared with Lye. Her brittle heart ached for his touch, to be accepted by him and—loved. Still ever so tormented and distant his heart still belonging to another, and someone she could not compete with.
Zai took advantage of this vulnerable hour, stroking Noir’s long lavender tresses with her fingers.
“I have always been here for you, and I’ll continue to be here for you lovely. No one can hurt you now...I won’t let him.” Zai cooed almost silently.
“Hmm?” Noir mumbled, nearly dozing off into demoness’ arms.
“Nothing at all.” a twisted smile began stretching across Zai’s face. Dazzling grey hues faded to infernal black—pitch black like her soul...
Warmth enveloped the entities entire being as violet hues fluttered awake, not remembering how her body ended up on the comfortable mattress. Zai's gentle fingers were brushing through Noir's lavender tresses, twisting strands into tiny braids. A recollection of nightmares flooded her internally during the slumber as if to stir herself awake with warnings. The warm fire which had been blazing the night before, and keeping the touch of chilly winter at bay had long since died.
“You stirred throughout the entire night. I wanted to calm you best I could without waking you.” Consoling words from the demon were oddly disquieting given yesterday’s events.
Noir peeled off the fur coverlet and rose without taking a moment to fully awaken; they already overstayed their welcome in cozy Archen, and needed to exit post haste. Tiny stars danced before her eyes, dizzying illusions telling of the mistake she made standing too soon. Unfortunately, there would be no fresh bread or warm cider here, and a scalding bath before leaving would be entirely out of the question. Some attire for the troublemaker currently the most important objective of the day, although gathering these items may prolong the dangerous stay.
“Noir, have you ever considered staying in a town like this? Going about your day without being told what to do?” The lounging creature propped herself up by resting her head against a hand.
The topic not something the entity had completely reflected on and she thought for a brief moment before giving a short answer. “I do not think I ever could…”
The curious demon was not satisfied with the poor reply, and frowned before raising herself upon knees. Zai switched in an instant from acting discontent to gasping like an excited school child, pointing a finger to the ceiling like a researcher wishing to share a brilliant concept.
“I have an idea! We shall move here, or well—not here, somewhere else. Knifes edge? You like the houses here correct? Instead of living in town we could build a little log cabin on the outskirts of the woods? Quiet and secluded?” Zai was so inspired she almost lost the only article covering her decency, hands quickly fiddled with the wool blanket securing the knot once more.
“What would we do all day?” The notion of escape beginning to rotate the cogs of Noir’s venerable mind.
“Set up shop. Skin animal pelts to sell them. You know, normal employment?” Zai sounded unsure even, but hope and enthusiasm displayed vividly on her charming face washing away all remaining doubt.
For a long moment, Noir remained silent as those gears continued to turn, comparing the pros and cons of what Zai had just said. So quiet, in fact, that even though the chilled wind gently rasped against the windowpane, a pin could drop onto the pine flooring and be heard. The quiet was needed at the moment to think about this big decision. This choice would be something new, an entirely different lifestyle, and it would not be easy. There would however, be a perpetual void if she were to leave and never return to the headquarters at Black Mist Hollows. This would also mean the death of her eventually; there were two distinct options to be made here. Return to The Order with Lye, which was painful enough or truly end this aimless existence once and for all. Spending a few more years with someone who desired her company, she could find happiness within this eventually—couldn't she?
Zai could be seen glowering, shadowy hues glaring with unprovoked menace.
“I’ve seen that face before, and I know what you are thinking about. It is always written so plainly on your pretty face.” Zai sneered in pure agitation, like a serpent whose dinner kept evading the inevitable strike.
“It is quite pathetic; one could only compare you to a lost love struck pup.” The bitter words were trying to slice into Noir’s hope, and slice the artery in half. This may have done the trick because no reply found its way to defend against the vicious attack.
“I know what you are capable of, and if you want to become stronger for any reason—to protect the one you hold dear--” Zai nearly grimaced while speaking since she was solely referring to one person in particular, and would rather not. She slowly walked up to Noir, her resentful presence vanishing to a soothing one.
“I can help you, so please let me.” Warm hands were placed on the lavender maiden’s face. Bringing lilac hues to stare into gray ones, but Noir exhaled and brushed the familiar away to gain some distance. Noir wondered if this was similar to what she had made Lye feel, and started to realize how unknowingly cruel she had been.
“You are so unhappy there. The only way to appease yourself is with freedom. Ask to leave The Order, it is the only way.” Zai was nearly begging. “He clearly will not mind.” She scoffed “He has other concerns to worry about; you are only weighing him down. Do yourself a favor or better yet, do him a favor?” The subtly destructive words freely flew from the demon’s mouth with ease.
“I just may.” Noir quipped soon after without must deliberation.
Slowly the frost touched entity began bending to the strong will of Zai, spiraling down an unknowingly deceptive path. What she said was right in truth, and this would be a test of sorts. Depending on the crimson assassin’s answer, no matter how painful—his words would be the deciding factor if she stayed. Zai could barely conceal an impish smirk, but both heads turned towards the door as a loud knocking sounded from the opposite side.
“Scuse’ me Missus, we be needin' for this door to open straight away. Some questions need answerin’ about the last nightfall.” The male voice seemed stern, and definitely meant business.
Noir began to walk toward the door, and would try to explain whom the woman was, but at this moment nothing came to mind.
"Stop, they will not let you leave, and we have no time to spare. Forget about trying to talk your way out of this. Use the window and I'll distract anyone below away from you. Tell Lye you are leaving and we shall meet at Knives Edge." Zai whispered and motioned toward the opened window pane before taking flight into the familiar snowy owl.
Noir peeked her head outward to witness Zai immediately shift into a snow leopard, drawing any civilians away from the perimeter of the inn. This plan surprisingly worked, and many shouts of shock followed by screams of fear were heard below as she managed to nimbly escape the clutches of the suspicious man. A clash resonated from the wooden entrance-way splintering from impact, the man had managed to break into the room by bursting open the sturdy door. By this time, Noir gracefully jumped upon a low slanted roof, and hung onto the edge with a firm grip before dropping down onto the snow kissed ground below. Feet sprinted through the cobblestone path out of Archen toward the wilderness; she would reach Black Mist Hollows and inform the leader of her resignation by nightfall...
Tobias Stalt
02-16-14, 12:42 AM
Storytelling: 6 The story took too long to get started. There was a strong back and forth and insight into the character, but I saw little going on beyond that. A story is multidimensional by definition- if you're giving me a great character without a situation to showcase their skills, you're selling me half of a product. You should focus on blending all of your elements, rather than slowly presenting one over another. Your entire first post shows me where you are and throws me into a situation, but you abandon all pretense of the setting for two posts thereafter to talk about the character and her feelings and experiences. While this is great for throwing me into the character's thoughts and personality, there is a great deal of dialogue and very little action or conflict. It's a good development for her character, but there was more that could be done stylistically.*
Pacing: 5 Slow. It started slow, and you had difficulty holding my attention. The writing was there, and I got a feel for everything, but it dragged. They're in an inn, they're talking... they're talking... they're still talking... This is where, if you're going to prolong an interaction, you ensure there are multiple things in place to command the reader's attention. The emotional state of the characters was pretty well done, and the action (while weaker than it could have been) added something, though the flow still suffered because of choppy transitions and a few mechanical errors.
Setting: 5 It was there. There were a few shots thrown in, particularly the girl's exposure by the wind. You could have done more, but you moved them into the inn and focused on the conversation. There is still a setting there that could have been used. It just seemed to lack- I get the feeling you're more preoccupied with telling her story than telling THE story. What I mean is, you have a plethora of tools at your disposal as a writer. You have all of your characters with all of their quirks, the setting, the conflict and above all, you have the story itself. If you put me into a place, I implore you to use that place to the fullest. If you have a developed character and all they do is talk, but they never show any side to themselves other than what it takes to move a plot, why does that character exist? Every aspect of the story is important. If you lack one, the others will suffer.
Communication: 7 This was probably the most solid pillar to your writing, along with persona. The conversation moved the thread more than any other element, and I was really able to get into the character's thoughts and personalities through what they were saying.
Action: 5 This area was poor; while it was there, it felt underused and at times forced. The obligatory embrace was the strongest example in the thread. It tied in well with the situation and her emotional state. The slapstick humor toward the beginning and the back and forth between Noir and the minor characters seemed bland.
Persona: 7 Another of your strongest points, Noir is a well thought out character and you can tell her emotions are at war with her rational thoughts. I gleaned that she is not used to the sensations she is being swarmed with (correct me if I'm wrong on that), and you do a good job of showing it. I would equate her to a young girl, just learning to cope with the hardships of emotional distress.
Technique: 6 You have a definitive style, but it will take time to fully cultivate. Right now, your writing is rife with mechanical errors that hold back obvious innate talent. You have the potential to write amazing, emotionally driven pieces. In this particular thread, you struggled with grammar and editing (that may be a computer issue, and a good word processor with a spell check can sort it right out), and I felt that you fell behind with the setting and your character's motives in favor of showcasing her emotional issues. You got around to your purpose by the end, but this felt like a side show to the story rather than a piece meant to move it along.
Mechanics: 4 You need to work on this. There is is a sentence almost immediately that is missing several critical verbs- "Noir recently noticed Lye too "polite" to ask for his beloved crimson vlince scarf back..." This should have been either, "Noir had recently noticed that Lye had been." Also, your tenses shifted mid sentence several times.
Clarity: 5 I knew what you were getting at, though at times your mechanics drew away from the clarity with which I grasped the thread. Overall, your story went over without issue, but mechanical problems can be the wrench that stops the machine.
Wildcard: 5 There were several elements I enjoyed; if you've read anything I've done, you know I'm a sucker for a well developed, flawed, emotionally deep character. Noir has all the makings of greatness, it's just going to take some time to get there. My advice would be proofreading. Lye hammered that into me with my first few threads, and I've been working on it ever since. With some time and effort, you'll be seeing improvement in no time.
Final Score: 55/100
Noir. receives 1,100 Exp
And 140 Gold
Congratulations!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.