Round 2 Veteran: Play Back Vs Taste of Treason

[Silence Sei]

Fight starts tonight at 12:01 Central Standard time! Psychologist Vs Psycho! Doctore Vs Demented! Begin!

[Taste of Treason]

The darkness seems to absorb me as I make my way thought the dusty halls. I tread lightly, groaning inwardly each time my feet hit the stone floor a little too loudly. I shouldn't be doing this, there is way too much at stake. I am in their home, the refuge of the Mystics. Sei's tomb is a maze of twists and turns and only my intuition serves as a map. I have been in here for what seems like an eternity, despite the fact that my goal is less than a mile from my starting point. I was only mildly surprised to fine the place near abandoned, no security to speak of. It speaks of the arrogance of the mystic race that the great Sei Orlouge would leave his former home so weak. I pause, sure I've heard the faintest of footsteps in the distance. I hold my breath, listening with every muscle in my body for a sound that never seems to come. I move again, much slower this time, knowing my goal must be near. When finally I see the open doorway with my prize inside I lose control, running without concern.

The room is much larger than I imagined, shelves covering nearly every spare inch of wall space. Some are pristine, some worn, some are even missing their covers entirely. I felt a rage flood through me, remembering my parent's shelves filled to the brim with notebooks and books of poetry. All the nights I spent learning the art, only to receive a pat on the head and an afternoon of watching them love words in the way they never could me. I could almost feel their spilt blood on my hands the day I returned from the infirmary. Years of planning came to fruition only to learn that their blood was different than my own. Part of me wants to burn every book in the room, tear pages apart and ensure the words would never taint another life as they had my own.

I am far to selfish for that, far to curious about who I truly am. I tirelessly comb the shelves, opening each book that looks promising. With each one I pause, inhaling the scent of dusty pages and I am sure that I have found that which I've come for. I toss them into a pile as I read the words, finding no mention of Drantrak or of my family. I am just about to give up when I notice a small case in the corner with about thirteen especially worn books. Their covers are all cracked, pages earmarked. I open the first one and see a familiar name. Kyla Orlouge. It is the story of her heroic escape the night of the attack. In it are names of the dead, I tuck the tomb into my pack and grab another. It is an account of the Knights of the Dawn, their involvement with 'curing' the mystic disease, this too I take. I have just grabbed the third book, a collection of children's songs when I hear the steps in the hallway. I huddle quietly into a corner, hoping they come and go quickly. I have carelessly left the room in disarray, and soon the steps stop. "Who's in there?" The voice is commanding, surely someone who could crush me with a thumb.

Without thinking I grab the rest of the books from the shelf and carry them in my arms, knocking the unsuspecting stranger down as I rush through the door like the thief that I am. I barely hear him call out as I take the first turn, hoping with all that I am that I can outrun him.

[Play Back]

I paced the halls back and forth, my victory over Zerith still fresh in my mind. Were the judges of the Magus Cup blind? How could I, a young warrior with relatively no battle experience ever beat a master halberdier and dragon killer like Zerith Dracosius? When we reported the news to Sei Orlouge, lord of the famous Ixian Knights, he seemed just as shocked as we had been. I was offered congratulations from the Mystic as well as pats on the back from all my friends and colleagues. However, despite all the joy I felt in my heart, something did not seem right.

I punched the stone wall in a rage. Sei’s Tomb was an intricate set of caves that connected Ixian Castle to just about anywhere in the world. The problem was, nobody could ever fully map the various tunnels correctly, and the only known entrance besides the castle itself was hidden in a local park within Radasanth. Essentially, any kid with a hyperactive imagination and just a dash of curiosity could stumble smack dab into the Ixian Knights courtyard if they wanted to.

I don’t know how long I paced, but my feet began to grow blisters underneath the toes. I continuously grabbed my head, trying to make sense of everything that happened just days before. Zerith must have taken a dive. That’s the only way I could have won. But why would he do that? Why would he let me win? Unless Sei ordered him to? Sei -is- always trying to build up my self-confidence. How can I be a psychologist to the Ixian Knights when I’m just as messed up as the rest of them? Get it together Play Back!

I looked down the hall as I wrestled with my own mind, and my eyes grew wide from what I saw. First, there were several books barely peeking out of the doorway to Sei’s personal library. There was also a very feminine shaped shadow that danced across the cave wall in the torchlight just outside of said library. I had been down in the Tombs for quite a while, and had personally seen all of Sei’s daughters head off to their chambers for naps. Unless Sei’s rebellious daughter, Kyla Orlouge, had snuck off yet again, there was an intruder within Sei’s Tomb. I approached the doorway, mustered up some courage, and asked, “Who’s in there?”

I expected Kyla to pop her head out of the library and make some asinine comment about my tendencies to show up at her side. Instead, I was met with an unfamiliar girl’s body running me over like a carriage would run over a small child. I fell to the ground with a thud that echoed deep into the cavernous halls. I turned my head just in time to see the girl’s backside as it wrapped down a corner towards the exit. Was this another test that Sei had placed before me, or did Ixian Castle really have a robbery in progress?

I decided not to ask too many questions until I apprehended the would-be thief. I closed my eyes and concentrated, and my form vanished from its position. I reappeared at the entrance of Ixian Castle just in time to see the burglar run out the caves mouth. I held a solemn hand up towards the girl, whose body shone like an angel. “Stop! By order of the Ixian Knights, I need to ask you some questions!”

I was totally making shit up as soon as it popped into my head.

[Taste of Treason]

The thought of Steppenwolf helping me look through these books, finding where I came in to all of this, filled me with a newfound hope. I would find my true lineage and put all the horrors of the past behind me. My parents with their obsession with words, their eagerness to send me away. Soon that would be nothing more than a tiny stain on my past. Somehow deep within I knew that somewhere out there someone had always searched for me. Someone would celebrate my return from the Mystic filth. I cleared the cave entrance, sure that I'd escaped when suddenly my hunter stood before me, arm outstretched.

I froze. The only option I could think of was heading back into the tombs and hoping I could somehow miraculously find my way out again. My breathing was ragged and my legs screamed for me to stop. The books in my hands seemed to weigh a ton and left me unable to strike. I opened my mouth to respond to the mysterious masked man but my voice wouldn't cooperate. I squeezed out the tiniest "I'm sorry" and brought my knee up as hard as I could. I shoved past him, my grip never leaving my prizes. I needed to know what happened all those years ago, how a human child ended up in a home of neglectful Mystics. I held no ill will toward this strange man, but he stood between me and my history. The blood of my parents had kept me going for many months, but I killed them before they could answer all the questions I needed to ask. Now, these books were my only chance.

The cool wind hit my flushed, burning face and gave me new hope. I was in the open. All I had to do now was find a place to disappear. For good measure I began to sing, and though the tune was broken between deep breathes the sky began to darken. I thought I heard steps behind me as the first crack of thunder hit, but it could have been my imagination.

[Play Back]

((All bunnying permissions granted between ToT and I.))

I did not expect for the girl to actually attack me. When the knee came up, I was very much unprepared. She hit me right in the stomach, knocking the air out of my already fragile gut. I grabbed my torso and fell over, listening as she took off into the Radasanth park. As I slowly pushed myself up, I could not help but think about what I could have done better. Surely, if this girl could send me reeling so quickly, what chance did I have against any of my future Magus opponents?

I lifted my mask, allowing for the cool air to take my features. My face was already red, partly from the attack, and partly from embarrassment. What would Sei think if I just let this woman get away with one of his books? He would lose his faith in me, and he would be sure to be as vocal about it as possible. I began to doubt myself once more, my mind reeling with thoughts of my inferiority complex.

“Not today,” I said, and started towards the direction I heard the woman running. I had hoped that I was younger and more able bodied than this would-be thief. My legs carried me through the trees of the park in order to find her. I gritted my teeth as I looked back and forth, the mask bouncing against the top of my head with each step.

“Where the hell did you go…?”

[Taste of Treason]

As I reached the first set of building on the outskirts of Radasanth my heart raced. I ducked behind a worn brick structure and leaned against the wall doubled over with the books cradled into my stomach. My breaths hurt, but I was safe.

The bottom half of my pants were filthy from the dirt road but I was far to tired to care. The sun was bright in the sky, near midday if I had to guess. I was less than a couple minutes walk from the shopping district where I was sure to be able to lose myself entirely. I kept my ears peeled, desperate to catch my breath before continuing. My legs and butt ached and I had a stitch in my side that threatened to bring tears to my eyes.

I heard footsteps and my heart seemed to stop, a knot burrowing in my throat as I clutched my stolen stories. Someone turned the corner in front of me and I did my best to fake a smile. The man gave me a wave and continued on his way, picking up the pace only slightly at the dust covered stranger huffing and puffing in an alley.

The next set of footsteps didn't worry me as much, obviously there was life in this tiny corner of the city. It wasn't until the masked man passed me and his eyes began to scan the area that I realized I needed to run.

[Play Back]

I jolted my head to and fro looking for the mysterious assailant. All around me, people of various shapes and sizes passed by like they normally would. I did my best to not yell out in frustration; this girl was outsmarting me. Me, an Ixian freakin Knight!

I stopped for a moment, trying my damndest to make sure I regained my focus. I had to make sure I could catch this girl, lest it be my head. I stopped my pace, slowly turning my head back and forth to notice anything odd in the area. When I had seen a large cloud of dust by a nearby building, and the soles of some girl’s shoes off in the distance, I smiled.

“Got you!” I screamed, chasing after the girl. In my run towards her direction, I grabbed a nearby apple from a fruit vendor. “Bill the Ixian Knights!” I yelled as I threw the fruit towards the girl’s back, knowing the ‘attack’ would probably not hit, and even if it did, that it would not stop her pace.

[Taste of Treason]

I didn't take the time to look back, I could almost smell the freshed baked bread in the square. One hundred yards and I'd be gone.

Ninety-nine

Ninety-eight

Ninety-seven

Something hit me with enough force to bring me to a halt. I didn't fall and I probably didn't even need to stop, but I can honestly say curiosity got the better of me. By the time I turned my head to see the apple, now covered with dirt the man was gaining ground fast. I considered picking the fruit up and taking a bite just to spite him, but my hands were full and I honestly wasn't sure I could get away. I screamed a word I'm not proud of in hindsight and took off once again. One of the books fell from my grip and in a moment of weakness I left it there, the dust settled upon its cover. I hit the first large group of shoppers, their baskets full to the brim with cakes and meats, and I matched their pace. I kept a close eye on the street I came from but the mysterious stranger was no where to be found.

I flitted from table to table, eager not to draw suspicion in case the man decided to ask questions. I spent a few gold coins on an apple, a silent nod to my pursuer. The juice dripped down my chin, mixing with the dust from our excitement. The smell of the fresh fruit filled my nostrils as I took another bite, the sweetness forcing me to realize just how hungry I'd been. It was a bit after midday when I finally reached the other end of Radasanth, a strip of dried meat in one hand and my books in the other. Steppenwolf had promised to meet me here when his errands were run. I only hoped he could forgive my act of theft. To have him asking for stories of Chateau Drantrak would have pulled too much attention our way. I found a quiet area and sat down. I opened the book, careful not to smudge the print with my oily fingertips.

[Play Back]

When she stopped from my fruit assault, I have to admit that I was actually pretty shocked. She dropped a book and high-tailed it out of there, and I was starting to lose my breath. I pulled my mask down; worried that the dust would trigger my asthma (a condition few people in the Ixian Knights knew about). I paused for a moment by the book the girl had dropped, picking it up to read what exactly was so important to her.

“The flight of Kyla Orlouge; How one girl’s retreat impacted the Mystic Race” I spoke aloud. My first thought was wondering why a book would have such a long and unnecessary title. My second thought turned to my ‘favorite’ patient, Kyla Orlouge. This girl had a particular interest in the Mystic, and my mind instantly went to danger. I held the book tight, looking up and shifting my gaze around to try and find where the girl had hidden herself, when I heard a loud, booming voice from above me.

“Heya PB! Mind if I take that…?”

[Taste of Treason]

My eyes hungrily devoured the words, each new page was like a puzzle piece and my mind struggled to see the bigger picture. I was merely half way through reading about the Knights of the Dawn when a shadow filled the page.

Part of me sunk. The mysterious stranger must have found me. I swallowed hard, the taste of jerky still mingled with saliva. I bravely looked upward and found my dropped book at eye level. Did the Ixians come here to taunt me?

I glanced further up, again, and again, and soon found the smiling face of Steppenwolf Orlouge. I jumped to my feet, and the book hung from my grip. I wrapped my arms around Steppenwolf as my confession left my lips. "I know I shouldn't have stolen the books, but I didn't want everyone to ask a lot of--"

A very large finger touched my lips.

"I understand that you think you have to do this alone, but you don't," Steppenwolf grinned. "At least you saved me an apple." With that, the giant tossed a filthy apple into the air and caught it with a chuckle.

My face was serious. "I've been reading about the Knights of the Dawn." Steppenwolf's face fell, "They're nothing but a group of bigots that don't know any better. As if you could cure someone from being Mystic. I know you don't much care for my blood, but there's a big difference between dislike and pure hatred."

I cleared my throat, but my voice still came out barely a whisper, "But they did cure someone..."

"That story has never been proven--"

"...I think they cured me."

[Play Back]

I stood and reported everything to Sei; how I had mistook the young girl for a thief, how I chased her through Radasanth under that continued train of thought, and how when I met Steppenwolf, he had explained that he had set the books up in a particular manner that the young lady would know which books to select. The Ixian Captain nodded after each point I made, like a father patiently waiting for his son to finish a story.

“You did well Play Back,” the mute said, “A real shining star among the Ixian Knights. I hope you continue to make such strides in your progress during your stint in the Magus Cup.”

“Yeah, about that?” I scratched the back of my head nervously, “Sei, I mistook a girl given permission to go into your Tombs as a crook, I beat Zerith by some default rule. How the hell do you think I’m going to last long in the Magus? I may be a little decent as an Ixian Knight, but I’m shit when it comes to fighting.”

Sei smiled and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Play Back, your particular power doesn’t come from your hands and strength, but from your mind and heart. Your loyalty to the cause of the Ixian Knights is what will guide you towards victory. I am sure of it.”

I smiled beneath the mask, and Sei must have known because he returned a smile in kind. Satisfied with that answer, I began to walk out of the room. However, I froze when I hear the Mystic’s last ominous words.

“By the way, Play Back. There –is- a chance that somewhere down the line, you’ll be facing me in the Magus Cup.”

Well, shit.

[Max Dirks]

Your writing actually got a bit better when you were rushing to finish. Since you're both veterans, I'll be limiting commentary. TOT is Taste of Treason and PB is Play Back.



Taste of TreasonPlay BackNotes

Story
5
4
TOT: The story continued your previous match nicely, but it would have been difficult to follow had I not read it. Don't forget back story. Both: I enjoyed both twists at the end, but I feel TOT's was more compelling and gave her an extra point for the conclusion.



Setting
4
4



Pacing
5
5



Communication
4
4



Action
4
4
I wanted to make a point for the passage of time. While I understand the thread was meant to be fast paced, you actually hurt other scores by poorly describing the action. For example, Cellar Door ran past Play Back in the catacombs, but suddenly she was exiting them from the entrance of Ixian Castle. At first, I thought she used the secret playground entrance. Especially after Cellar found herself running through Radasanth. After a re-read, I realized it was never made clear. If you want to advance time in a thread, that's fine. Just make sure the reader is following along with you!


Persona
5
4
TOT: Cellar's desire to understand herself was plainly apparent. You did an great job of building HER urgency by using shorter sentences. Your conclusion was also excellent. PB: Play Back's naivity shown through. I liked how you wrote about his constant need for reassurance by from his superiors. I thought that Play Back was claustrophobic though. Why would he be down in the catacombs with no mention of it?


Mechanics
4
4
Both of you had several usage errors that wouldn't appear on spellcheck. For example, TOT wrote "...I was far to tired to care" on post 5. PB said, "...see the burglar run out of the caves mouth" in post 2.


Clarity
4
5
TOT: You used too many run-ons. Some examples are, "I shouldn't be doing this, there is way too much at stake" and "The room is much larger than I imagined, shelves covering nearly every spare inch of wall space" from post one. "The sun was birght in the sky, near midday if I had to guess" is another example from post 5. A general rule of thumb for first person writing is that if the connecting phrase contains or describes a second noun, it should be a separate sentence. For example, in the first sentence I noted "I" is the subject (noun) of the first phrase and "There" is the subject of the second. You could combine the two: "I shouldn't be doing this because there is too much at stake" or separate them with a period.


Technique
5
5



Wildcard
5
5


Total
Total
45/10044/100



Taste of Treason advances to Round 3!
Play Back is in Round 2 of the Redemption Bracket.

Taste of Treason earns 750 EXP and 45 GP!
Play Back earns 225 EXP and 44 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!

Play Back jumps to Level 2!