Do me a favor

[Izvilvin]

Read this quest! (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=1945)

It's a solo of mine, and I think it's going well. I desire feedback. I promise there will be a surprise or two, and that the way some things unfold will be neat.

Also note my new avatar!

[AsukaStrikes]

I demand you go back to using Master Raven's avatar, drow!

...Nah, I guess this one's fine by me.

Alright, I'll go read that solo of yours. Better be worth a JC, you hear?

[Krugor]

I just read it, so let me share my thoughts!

Okay, first I need to say that there were several occassions were I needed to pull out the ol' dictionary, not knowing what some words meant. However, that might as well be a good thing, since English isn't my native language. It was interesting to learn new words though, kudos to you!

Second, I don't know why you made a thread for setting requests. I think you did a great job making the surroundings feel alive. Already in your first post I had the entire Great Nether pictured in my head, going by just your descriptions. And in later posts you used this "window view" thingy;


The robed man rounded a sharp corner and followed the next hall, not pausing for even a moment to look out the large rectangular windows to his right. If he had, he would have observed Izvilvin on his morning stroll around the facility.

Through a window on the left wall, Izvilvin could see the river and the desert stretching eternally beyond it, not an object in sight within the sand.
It showed to me that there was an entire world outside the Keep, were live continued on. That may sound a bit weird, but this little detail really makes things more interesting. It made the setting so much more alive, feeling so much more real. I could really see Izvilvin doing his stuff outside while the wizard stubbornly refused to look outside. It was that kind of a soap opera moment, where you just sit down and shout "Look out the window now! Oh man, just do it!" Very well done, I must say.

Now, about the story. I like it so far. The characters feel real and I can easily connect with them. The NPC's may not be entirely original, nor is the story itself (summoning a mighty creature from another dimension?), but you still did a good job making me want to read on. The way of writing and setting up the different scenes really created some tension, and while it was a bit hard to get through the intro, I just wanted to keep reading afterwards. And the relation between all of the characters was not hard to figure out, and that's a good thing, since I don't know any of them (besides Izzy).

Dialogue however, did feel a bit long at some times. It was all relative to the story, but I felt it could be shortened at times. I wouldn't say some conversations were a drag, but they were getting a bit obvious at times. One example being were Liax's surprised of Palmer's perceptiveness.

Well, that's just my opinion, don't hold it against me :)
Yep, I'm looking forward to the rest of the thread, especially since you promised some surprises.

Lastly, your avatar is pretty sweet. Where'd you steal it? ;)

((PS: I'm hoping Izvilvin gets eaten by Glimmerfang. I'll never forget you killed Krugor.))

[Cyrus the virus]

Bahaha. Apparently I am pretty freaking amazing. I rule. I disagree about the dialogue though, honestly...

I stole my avatar from... hold on a sec... here! (http://www.egs-avatars.com/e_gs_images/divers/guerriers/index.php) They don't have a lot, but the stuff they do have is pretty good. I also have 'Deadnight Warrior''s avatar from there.

[Izvilvin]

Also, Krugs, thanks for the feedback ;) I didn't realize how much time you put into it until just now, because I'm a dummy.

Any other feedback from the Althanas populace?

[Krugor]

Also, Krugs, thanks for the feedback ;) I didn't realize how much time you put into it until just now, because I'm a dummy.
No problem, Izzywizzy. It was fun putting time into and I'll try to keep giving feedback every time you make a new post ;)

[Izvilvin]

Solo's done, in case any of you want to read up on it... *cough*

[Atzar]

I read through it...

First of all, your writing is beyond mine, so I can't give you many stylistic tips.

I liked the story... yes, it's been done before, but it was still written in a way that (once it got started) made it entertaining to the last drop. The characters were excellent, and I think that the dialogue you used was fairly succinct and very well done... all in all, it was an amazing effort. I could only find a few things to gripe about:

There were a few errors in your writing. In this case, they tended to be large enough that I'd get pulled out of the story when I noticed them.

I only had one other issue with your piece. When Palmer was killed, you described Izvilvin as being 'crestfallen.' I think a stronger word could have been used here. The drow just lost one of his links to the world on the other side of the language barrier. Aside from that, he lost what had grown to be a close friend, and your context suggested that Invilvin believed it was his fault for Palmer's death. I just don't think 'crestfallen' did justice to the situation that you described, and it really stuck out to me.


But in conclusion, I - again - thought the piece was very well written, and the flaws mentioned were minor. Congratulations on writing an excellent story.

[Cyrus the virus]

Yay feedback!

Thanks for taking the time to fill me in on what you thought. Crestfallen was not a strong enough word, indeed, and I should have taken myself out of the "mind context" of battle and used a more accurate term.

Thanks, giant... Hairy thing. Guinea pig? =/