MizBiz Initiation - Episode 1: Hot Metal

[Devon Steel]

Any and all bunnying is approved by both parties.

Blinding white sunlight warmed the fighter's tan skin unpleasantly beneath his already stifling hoodie. The sun hung high in the sky, illuminating every crack and contour of the Citadel. The ancient building loomed impressively over Devon. The tall stone walls and towering spires served as a reminder of how small he truly was. This place had stood long before Steel's birth, and would stand long after he passed. He hated it.

His presence here was due to an invitation from one Mr. Robert Uccisore. The Vice-President of Misery Business Incorporated had sent him directions leading here, with instructions to meet with his representative. The letter expressed interest in finding a spot in the corporation for Devon. He had heard impressive claims about the company's members before. Many of them were renowned across Althanas, willing to do difficult jobs that others couldn't. For the right price, of course.

Devon wasn't interested. He came here for one reason, and one reason only. Steel wanted to test the Misery Business member's mettle himself and see if they lived up to their reputation. His boots clicked on stone like a ticking clock as he slowly approached the entrance of the Citadel. The large wooden doors groaned as they opened of their own accord. The fighter was unimpressed by the frivolous use of magic. He disliked such powerful energies being used for trivial tasks. A rush of cool air caused goosebumps to erupt on his arms when he stepped through the threshold. The feeling disappeared quickly as his body adjusted to the chill of the room. One of the famed Ai'Brone sat at a tall desk, with nothing to keep him company but the many doorways in the chamber. The monk pulled his nose from a book as he noticed the young fighter.

"Can I help you, young man?" The monk rasped. He seemed unbelievably ancient beneath his robes.

"I'm here to meet a representative of Misery Business. Which room?" Devon inquired impatiently. He was excited to get started.

The old monk nodded and pointed to a door on the far side of the room. Steel nodded and turned without even a 'thanks.' His usually-expressionless face was overtaken by an evil grin as he opened the door and entered the room beyond. The prospect of a worthy fight lit a fire in his veins, even though he had yet to see his opponent. The world shifted in front of his eyes, accompanied by a nauseating sense of disorientation. The dark room gave way to a large chamber with a high ceiling. Torches set in sconces along the metal walls brightened the room, showing no furniture or other possible obstructions to the coming battle. Devon was the only inhabitant of the room, as the representative had yet to arrive.

'Whoever's coming, they better hurry the hell up. I don't feel like waiting here all day..' The brawler thought with impatience that showed in his glowering visage.

[Zack Blaze]

“You know, Robert, Sir,” Zack Blaze spoke to his superior officer with the utmost respect, “I’m getting really tired of these invitations you’re sending out to people.” The youth gripped the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, and proceeded to massage the cartilage as if it would rid him of a headache. The tall, black haired man beside Zack replied with laughter and his blue orbs shifted downwards to the smaller fighter.

“You should be grateful, Zack,” Robert Uccisore said as he pushed his loose sunglasses back onto his face, “I’m finding the talent, all you have to do is make sure that they join your team. You’ll have yourself your own personal army in no time. I’ve even been hearing great things about this guy. His name’s Devon Steel and he’s earned himself quite the rep in back alleys and underground fight clubs. Sounded like someone you’d be interested in.”

“Devon Steel sounds more like an adult entertainer than a brawler,” Zack cracked his knuckles and made several small light foot bounces as they made their way down the citadel halls. Zack had grown skeptical of the eye for talent Misery Business’ Vice President claimed to have. The last person that Zack recruited was a drunk by the name of Leoric, and all he provided the flame fisted fighter with was more and more headaches on a daily basis. In fact, Zack had found that the best people to work with were the ones he had recruited himself.

Now, he was in the citadel once more, the lap dog for a man who felt he had bigger fish to fry. He stood before the red door with a small white sign beside it labeled ‘Reserved for Misery Business’. His eyes shifted towards Robert, who merely returned the look and flashed a wry, shiny tooth grin. Oh the things money will buy you in this world.

Zack reached into his pants pocket, gripping the teleportation stone he had won during the Adventurer’s Crown for good luck. Robert gave the boy a pat on the back and opened the door. He felt the strong hand of the Vice President on his back as it ushered him through the door. Zack’s eyes went black for a moment, several seconds needed to adjust to the change of lighting. The fumes from the torch smoke danced around his nostrils, invited him to stay a little while and play. There was warmth to the room, a feeling that almost made the street fighter remove his leather jacket.

His eyes scanned the area before settling upon another figure within the room. He seemed to be just as physically intimidating as Zack (which was to say, he didn’t look intimidating at all), but the youth knew better than to judge a book by its cover. He removed his hand from his pocket and used the appendage to grip at his chest, at the scar Aurelianus Drak’shal had created during the Lornius Corporate Championship. Perhaps Robert’s eye for talent was not as bad as Zack had believed after all.

“You ready?” Zack kept things simple, his voice echoed in the room. He smirked; the echo gave a rough indication of the room’s general perimeter, and advantage Zack hoped his foe did not catch. His hands began to crackle with the sizzle and pop of his electrical powers. His lightning waited in the shadows, preparing to pounce like a jaguar upon a helpless gazelle. It was time for the Blaze to melt Steel.

[Devon Steel]

His opponent, a blonde youth who looked about as old as Devon, cut straight to business. He had been expecting to be cross-examined, but Steel's adversary shattered his expectations pleasantly. His question echoed throughout the chamber, giving the tan brawler an estimation of the actual size. It was larger than he originally thought, disguised by the flickering light of the torches. Devon took a second to truly study the opposition. The fighter was taller than Steel by a couple inches, and lighter by a good bit.

'Not very threatening. Maybe these mercs are just talk after all..' He considered arrogantly.

Devon retorted by rushing at the young fighter, his stomps echoing loudly throughout the metal room. The evil grin overtook his features once again as he closed in on his adversary, adrenaline already pumping through his veins. A soft hiss met Steel's ears about ten feet from the representative. Ignoring the warning with ignorant overconfidence, he continued his mad sprint at the blonde brawler. The Misery Business member seemed unfazed by the aggressive move, standing his ground assuredly.

'Fool.' Steel thought disrespectfully. His adversary's condescending smirk only served to incense Devon further.

At the last second he crouched, his muscles coiling tightly like powerful springs, then dove at his opponent. If his tackle was successful, Devon would proceed to lay into the fighter with a barrage of punches from atop his chest. The amateur move was usually enough to put most wannabe brawlers out of commission. Steel was sure this fight would be no different.

[Zack Blaze]

His opponent hit him with the force of a burlap sack filled with cinderblocks. Zack could feel the air leave him as the two warriors fell to the ground. His back hit the floor with a thud that seemed to shake the entire room. The smaller man was strong, but such strength only proved to excite Zack further. By the time Devon began to come down with the first fist, his knuckles found nothing but floor.

Zack was now behind the brute, and his hand popped with the anticipation of claiming another victim. The teleport stone had already proved its usefulness, and Zack thanked the Thaynes that such a gem allowed him to appear anywhere he could imagine. He used his non-empowered hand to move some of his blonde bangs from his face, taking a quick second to revel in his opponent’s mistake. Such a strong opening move would be enough to take out most normal people, but Zack Blaze was an exceptionally bright star among a sky full of dim lights.

His hand shot forward as the torches billowed to the side from the wind of the motion. His gloved hand sought the back of the prone man’s exposed neck. He planned to grab the skin of his foe as if he were grabbing a kitten. If the grab proved itself to be successful, Devon’s body would be filled with electrical energy, leaving him further exposed for the beat down Zack now planned to lay into him. The youth wanted to make sure that these new recruits Robert found for him knew who was in charge of the group.

“Let’s see how well you live up to your name, Steel!”

[Devon Steel]

Devon's zealous attack proved detrimental to his efforts. His punch missed its mark completely, leaving pieces of shredded skin on the hard metal beneath him with a loud crack. He had intended on breaking the blonde fighter's nose, but instead broke only two of his own knuckles on his right hand. It wasn't the first time he'd injured himself instead of his opponent. Devon could still fight, but every punch he threw with that hand would only amplify the damage. Grimacing at the pain, he lifted his head quickly in a desperate search for his opponent. The representative had disappeared completely from his view. His eyes widened as he realized the only possible location of his adversary. The blonde brawler's taunt sounded behind him a moment after his revelation, confirming his fears.

'How the hell did he get behind me?!' Steel wondered incredulously. Not a moment too soon, he flattened himself to the ground. The crackle of electricity sounded where his vulnerable neck had been only seconds ago. The wind from the attack ruffled his white hair, a testament to the speed of his opponent. 'This guy isn't half bad. I might actually have to TRY to beat him.' He thought with growing excitement. Turning on his side, he scissored the blonde bastard's legs between his own. The attack was successful, dropping his opponent to the ground with a resounding thud that echoed off the metal walls of the room.

Almost simultaneously with the noise, he lifted his leg straight up. The pillar of flesh and muscle hung suspended for only a split second before Devon dropped it down in a vicious axe-kick. Evasion was an improbability. He prepared to use the recoil of the blow to somersault backwards and roll back to a standing position.

[Zack Blaze]

His head bounced off the ground like a basketball. Zack released a small scream as the follow up kick came down upon his chest. He replied with a cough, though there was a malicious tone to his yell. He did not have time to think and instead his instincts as a street fighter took over. He charged his electricity in his hands, but quickly discharged it into the headphones around his neck. The item had been enchanted with the ability to disperse the electric attack around Zack’s body, a secret little move Zack had not expected to use in this scenario.

He could feel the body of his opponent twitch as it surged with the electrical shock. Zack quickly shoved his opponent into the air and rolled, his chest achy from the previous damage caused. He landed on bended knee around the time that Devon’s body began its descent towards him. Clutching a fist, Zack came up with all of his strength, an attempt to use his flashy Scene Stealing Uppercut ability. With any luck, he would send his foe through the ceiling and into a new area. Of course, he did not know whether or not Devon was still stunned from the effect of his lightning, but Zack knew this was his best shot to capitalize.

“I guess it’s time to bring down the house!” Zack exclaimed as he felt a small stream of blood leave his hair and trail down the back of his neck.

[Devon Steel]

Twitch was an understatement. Devon flopped like a fish out of water as the electrical current surged through his unprotected body. The white-haired brawler was unable to react to his opponent's toss, every well-defined muscle in his body clenching uncontrollably. His frost-colored hair stood perfectly on end as he flew; a humorous effect of the shocking attack. The stunning property of Blaze's ability faded a bit as Steel hung in the air, allowing him to comprehend to his surroundings once again. Unfortunately, the first sight Devon processed was that of Zack's bare fist rocketing rapidly towards his unprotected face while he fell. The force of gravity only increased the strength of the blow, which connected with a solid crunch.

It was an impressive punch, truth be told. Had the ceiling been made of the usual thatch, or even solid wood, Devon would have broken straight through it. However, this instance was a bit different. Thanks to the metal ceiling conjured by the Ai'Brone monks, Steel slammed back-first into the unyielding alloy. Blood dripped from his smashed nose while the snowy-haired fighter hung suspended once again. He fell unceremoniously at the feet of his blonde adversary. The fresh-faced Misery Business representative smirked and nudged the seemingly-unconscious corporation prospect with one of his black shoes.

"I figured Robert would've picked someone worthy... Hmph." Zack remarked with disappointment, his face turned upward as he inspected the spot on the ceiling where Devon had smacked. A low, demonic-sounding chuckle brought Blaze back to reality. He glanced downward just in time to see Steel's hand clench around his ankle.

In his efforts to defeat Devon, Zack had actually committed a grave mistake. The feeling of blood flowing freely down his face awakened a primal fury within the tan brawler. The pain of his shattered hand and nose was forgotten in his rage. Devon's wicked laughter grew louder as he acted. With one hand firmly clasped around his adversary's ankle and the other planted firmly on the metal ground, Steel swung his legs backwards up over his head. Devon was attempting to take Zack down with a move he had never practiced, acting on instinct alone. He hoped the unorthodox maneuver would perform successfully. Steel's intentions were to grasp Blaze's neck with his legs and use his weight to bring him to the ground, where he would then attempt to strangle the life out of the blonde fighter. His evil laughter continued, becoming almost manic as he moved.

[Zack Blaze]

His body slammed into the ground and the sheer impact caused the floor to give a little. Spiderweb like cracks formed beneath the street fighters body onto the floor below. The swing had garnered enough wind to blow the waned flames of several torches out. The room had gotten darker, his opponent harder to see, and yet his rage at this individual grew. The brawler had skill with his hands; far more skill than anyone Zack had ever faced in fisticuffs. He was not only worthy of the attention of Misery Business, but worthy of Zack's admiration.

A fist slammed into his opponent's stomach to no avail, the legs of the brute just seemed to tighten around Zack's neck. There was another punch to the behemoth's torso, and another. Zack could barely see the marks he made on his foe's abdomen. The only indication Zack had done any damage at all were the torn pieces of cloth that fell to the side of his head. The blonde fighters face began to turn blue, and his eyes began to roll into the back of his head. With one more punch, Zack channeled all of strength into a rarely used technique.

The blow struck as Zack's already low vision began to fade. With the last vestiges of his power, Zack clenched his fist and activated his Gravity Crush technique. Devon gripped at his stomach and fell backwards as his legs released their prisoner from their vice. Zack's secret technique, Gravity Crush, had the ability to instantly constrict a part of his opponent's body, so long as Zack made physically contact with one of his fists before hand. He had no doubt that Devon probably felt as though his insides had become like a sponge that had all its water wrung out in a single squeeze.

Zack inhaled with a scream that was on par with banshees, and quickly shoved the shorter fighter off of his form. He quickly scrambled to his feet as his vision returned and his body throbbed with pain. He reached towards his neck and pulled his headphones over his ears. Electricity surged through his fists and was quickly transferred into the headset. If the eccentric fighter tried such a superb submission again, Zack would be quick to give him another sudden, shocking revelation. He balled his fists and his breaths slowed to a steady pace and not the hungry gasps he had belted out in the last few moments.

"You, me. We finish this. Now." He raised his fists over his face, his knuckles just below his eyes as if he were a sniper through a scope. He had his sights on Devon Steel, and now he would not stop until the target was down.

((Bunny permissions granted both ways))

[Devon Steel]

Devon rose slowly, clutching his injured gut and panting like a bitch in heat. His murderous stare could have lit the snuffed torches, had he directed it anywhere other than Zack Blaze's enraged face.

Upon hearing the blonde fighter's challenge, Steel's mouth split wide in a maniacal grin. He stretched leisurely, the pop-pop-pop of bubbles bursting his joints echoing audibly throughout the metal chamber. With an air of finality, the tan brawler nodded, his intimidating stare still directed at Zack.

The two boys, so opposite and yet so alike, charged in unison. It was an odd sight; Devon sprinting, white hair standing on end, drying blood staining his face and a too-wide, too-white grin on his face. Zack Blaze striding in return, blonde hair disheveled, green eyes wide in rage and anticipation.

Devon cocked his fist back, ready to unload his fiery wrath on Blaze and prove his superiority. Unfortunately, Zack was not a fan of losing; he cocked his own fist back in return, rushing like a rhinoceros with its horn lowered. One second, the blonde fighter was rushing across the room at Devon; the next, he was a foot away. Steel's eyes widened in anger and disbelief, then closed as Blaze's fist struck his face.

The white-haired fighter flew once again, propelled by the prodigious punch. The blow would have sent him smacking into an unyielding steel wall yet again, had he not struck the wooden door which still lay in reality, under the illusion. The thick wood shattered on impact, splintering into more pieces than a bum would count for money. The illusion of the Ai'Brone shattered with it, revealing a bare stone room with Zack Blaze standing triumphant inside.

One thought ran through the mind of the tan brawler as he lay on the cold stone of the Citadel floor, his vision fading fast: 'I can't believe I lost to this asshole..'

[Zack Blaze]

"Tsk, tsk tsk," Zack waved a finger in front of his foe, "you really should have thought about that before taking me head-on. Now, I'm here, still standing and you're, well, you know." Zack shrugged his shoulders as if he were just asked a question. He manuevered through the split wood and the sprawled out limbs of Devon Steel. He could see that the warrior not only drew breath, but was conscious enough to see his enemy stand victorious. He looked down with arms crossed at the 'Lion of the Citadel', and nodded.

"On the upside, you definitely proved you have something not only Misery Business wants, but something I'd love to have working with me." He offered his hand to Devon, unsure if his former foe could even take the appendage with his own. It was the gesture that counted, after all. Devon's eyes shifted and he turned his head with what seemed to be a great strain. He looked at the green eyed Zack Blaze, his features formed into a scowl as though there was a bitter candy in his mouth.

Zack's hand and face were covered in speckles of blood in an instant and Devon snickered at his handiwork. "Fuck.... you," was all the warrior could manage before he lost consciousness on the floor, his blue eyes closed.

"Well said, Devon Steel," Zack said as he crossed his arms again and stumbled forward. The blows delivered by the brutish bruiser did a number on the street fighter, and now that the adrenaline left his body it was evident Zack also needed medical attention. He dropped to a knee as the blackness began to blur his vision. It did not matter to the youth if he passed out now; he proved his point and his superiority, so now he could have a well deserved rest. He closed his eyes and breathed a heavy sigh.

"Holy shit man," the deep voice of Robert Uccisore roused Zack back in an instant, "Blaze, what the hell happened here?!"

"I won," Zack laughed, a little bit of his own blood escaped from his mouth as he did so, "we wanted to test him, right? Guy's got the ability, but he's a no-go for joining right now. I got myself a feeling hell come around though."

"How are we going to explain this to the Ai'Brone monks, Zack?!" Robert stomped his foot to try and keep the boy focused, but it was to no avail.

"If you take him off the chain now, the rabbit will lose it's rainbow," Zack rambled as though what he had just said made any sense whatsoever. He was too tired to realize anything else but one simple idea; this would not be the last epic battle between Zack Blaze and Devon Steel.

[Philomel]

Thread Title: MizBiz Initiation - Episode One: Hot Metal (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26926-MizBiz-Initiation-Episode-1-Hot-Metal)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Devon Steel vs Zack Blaze



Plot: 22 --- 18

Story- 8/10---8/10

Devon: Overall your storytelling technique was simple and easy to follow. You did not necessarily make things complicated or lose yourself in the flow of the acts sequence, which can be very easy to be overwhelmed by in a battle.
Zack: Similarly, the way you wove the battle together was precise and understandable, and did not hinder the general storytelling of the piece.
General: As is easy in a battle neither of you made any noticeable mistakes of being punched by a fist that had not been passed, for instance.

Setting- 7/10---6/10

Devon: For starting off you used the Citadel to your will, and created a simple, yet effective setting. Your strength here was using the setting throughout the battle, and keep reminding the reader that this is a magical room and not real, making the setting come to life a lot more than initially suggested.
Zack: As the second one to enter, your use of setting was let down by your concentration on the battle. Even though you stayed true to what Devon had described, there was little mention of the fires in the room or the floor itself that could have had an interesting impact with Zack’s powers. However, overall you portrayed the sense of a battle well and used what abilities Zack has to your advantage.

Pacing- 7/10---5/10

Devon: Pacing was very good in this. As mentioned before, battle can sometimes disrupt the flow of a story, but everything had its time and correct reaction, and through your writing you kept the spirit of the battle without disruption.
Zack: Likewise you did not unnecessarily speed up or slow down the pacing, but kept it consistent. A couple of times, however, it was slightly compromised when you went into explanation of Zack’s powers. For instance in Post 8 there is the sentence “Zack's secret technique, Gravity Crush, had the ability …” in the centre of him doing this technique, which overall disrupted the fight sequence that was going on at the time. A method of trying to include this description of his power as well as continuing with the pacing may be to add it after that movement or include it into the sentence that describes what happens to the victim “Zack … activated his Gravity Crush Technique that would …”



Character: 21 --- 22

Communication- 8/10---8/10

Devon: There were no direct or obvious deviances or sudden changes in tone. Excellent use of Devon’s thoughts being included in the thread, and from the outset Devon’s determination was reflected in his rudeness to the Ai’Borone.
Zack: Your strength here was the extra small nuances and random chatter from Zack, in his small attempts to get Devon to react. The last spoken phrase, though odd and bizarre from Zack seemed to fit perfectly and added extra depth to this powerful character.
General: For both of you communication was not at the forefront of this thread as the main subject was the fighting itself. However, both of you were consistent with your characters’ personalities.

Action-7/10---7/10

Devon: Being a battle action is clearly a primary part of this battle, and you understood the level differences between Zack and Devon well and reacted in a believable way.
Zack: Use of Zack’s abilities was well thought out here, and he has a strong sense of strategy when it comes to the battle.
General: Both of you relied a great amount upon action and it was clearly where the greatest concentration for both sets of prose were centered. For a battle, naturally, you want to fill it with action, but sometimes it can become overwhelming. It might be an idea to add in more pauses for both of your characters to see if this constitutes a more relative battle.

Persona- 6/10---7/10

Devon: The reader cannot help but relate to Devon on an aspect in the fact that he does not give up. Through strength his movements you keep reminding the reader of whom Devon's dseire to "not give up". What is lost, slightly, spanning from Post 1, however is an idea of why Devon is there, and what exactly his purpose is. The fact he is invited there by MizBiz is not mentioned again, and in part this leads to a degrading in style and a confusion on the reader's behalf. A possible way to keep this up would be to mention Devon's personal feelings a little further during their fight.
Zack: Zack is clearly shown to be a passionate character, dedicated to his work, and through this his desire to show his might. Mixing action as well as careful rhetoric an image is built up of a manipulative fighter, of one who has the strength to end empires. All in all he proves himself to be the "asshole" that Devon calls him in the end.


Prose: 20 --- 20

Mechanics- 6/10---6/10

Devon: Your mechanics was skilled and precise, and there was little spelling errors to be found.
Zack: Apart from minor spelling mistakes you had consistency in sentence structure.
General: Both of you adhered to standardised sentence and paragraph structure. The reason for the slightly low marking is because there was not much variation in paragraph size, and sometimes it is aesthetically comfortable to see more variation here.

Clarity- 8/10---8/10

Devon: There was no real precise moment when clarity was in anyway compromised, so well done.
Zack: Similarly there was no weakness in your prose, all actions were understandable.

Technique- 6/10---6/10

Devon: Your best strength here is your use of dramatic description and prolific language. For example, this is shown well in Post 5, where you use the strong phrase “The pillar of flesh and muscle” that communicates excellent both Devon’s power and the appearance of his kick.
Zack: You have an especial strength here, in your use of description. Use of metaphor is strong in your writing, for instance when you used the names of your opponent to create one in post 2: “It was time for the Blaze to melt Steel," as well as depth of general imagery, form and a firm skill in use of conjunctions.
General: For both of you, however, a variety of sentence starters could be used. There are a great amount of sentences that start with “the” “he” and similar, and not many others. This can drag on the flow of the action somewhat, that is needed to be fast-paced for a battle such as this.



Wildcard: 5 --- 5

As far as wildcard goes this is given to both of you for the reaction times and descriptions from each blow. I found these to be so believable that were it not for the magic use it would be as if reading a version of Fight Club here on earth. Each blow was precisely dealt and meant making this an excellent example of one-on-one non-weaponised combat.




Final Score: 68---65

Devon Steel (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?XXXXX) Wins!:


2300 EXP!
70GP!

Congratulations!


Zack Blaze (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?XXXXX) Receives:


600 EXP!
35 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added

Devon Steel Levels to Level 3!