A Steam Invention (Solo) (Invention) Workshop

[The Mad Scientist]

Hello all, I would like your opinions on my story A Steam Invention (Solo) (Invention) (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27060-A-Steam-Invention-(Solo)-(Invention))

I especially would like to know what you guys think of post three.

[The Mad Scientist]

Link has been fixed.

[Ashla]

A simple story of a simple steam invention is what I mainly saw in the first two posts. It really didn't catch my interest. However, the third post, showing the scientist's failed attempt to show another person his new machine, was rather humorous and attention seeking. Keep making scenes like the third one and I'm sure this story will be a pleasant one. I do suggest using a bit more imagery in your writing though. Show stuff like the working conditions, was the workshop cluttered and hot? Does the steam engine give any problems such as letting out steam wrong? How does your scientist react to them? Does he sweat? Does some steam blow into his face and cause him to cough? Use more than just a sense of sight in your thread and I'm sure this will become quite entertaining.

[The Mad Scientist]

I restarted with a new writing style, can you guys tell me what you think? Also, any grammatical errors you can point out would be nice to know.

[Tobias Stalt]

Firstly, you're using asterisks for emotives; switch it over to plain text and format.

Example:
"I told you not to do that," Tobias spat, "now we're all going to die." The creak of boards beneath their feet caused both men to jerk their heads down; a drop from this height would do any man in, and the bridge had already begun to spasm. "Run!"

You don't need to verify anything but thoughts and speech. Just clarify if someone can hear what's being said, or if the narrative is completely for the reader's benefit. Symbols aren't good in text. They're meant for note taking and calling attention to specific points. They detract from the aesthetic of the writing. What I mean by that is, if I'm trying to convey something to you and you're constantly looking at * * * * * * * * * * *, you're going to be drawn away from what I'm trying to achieve. As a writer, that's self-defeating.

Be sure to keep your dialogue clear and focused. If I can't understand what you're saying (that is, if I read it and my first thought is "what the heck am I reading," you probably need to backtrack and rethink your character's conversations. Tips:

*Have a point. If you're writing a conversation, why are they talking? What are they talking about? Can you tie they conversation into into the story itself?
-If you can't tie it in to the story, it probably does not belong.
-If you want to add a lighter comic feel to the story, work it so that the comedy adds to the character and the story.
-Read the conversation over a few times before you finalize it. If you're reading and It seems wrong, start over.
*Focus the conversation toward plot relevance: Obviously not every conversation is entirely relevant. There can be a few jokes here and there, questions about the character or what they've been up to or how the feel; use these to develop the character, but don't lose yourself so much that you can't push the plot itself forward. Both elements need to go forward to develop the story.

Pick a voice. First person, second person or third person. Stick to that voice. Don't shift tenses. Bad. Bad. Bad.

[The Mad Scientist]

Okay everyone, Third times the Charm. What do you guys think?

[Krausus]

Was the text of emotions/passive actions supposed to be on the left?

Anyways, i don't see too much wrong with it, and I think it'll turn out well, but the whole talking to the narrator thing seems just. Wrong?

[hoytti]

Emotions/passive actions as well as backgrounds and such are suppose to be on the left. I'm using scriptwrite for this character. As for talking to the Narrator, I'm going to do a bit of comedy through Dr. Steam being able to talk to the Narrator. It may also pull some things out that might not be known about Dr. Steam if the narrator didn't somehow bring it up. Sometimes, everything around Dr. Steam will pause as he talks to the Narrator. It's just something I'm trying.

[Taskmienster]

I'd like to put this up front: I mean nothing offensive by what I am about to say and actually like that you are writing this in a playwright style. That being said...

It is disjointed. The setting is lacking severely because of the style, which gives the reader a lack of ability to really get into the scene. The aesthetic quality of the piece is missing because of that, nothing gives the reader a sense of where they are. I don't know what it smells like, feels like, sounds like, or if there are any subliminal tastes that really allow me to close my eyes and feel like I'm there.

Diction is another point of interest to note. People getting out of the way of horseless carriages makes me think of New York or another large city right when cars started coming around. Brick houses and power-lines with wayyyyy too many lines on each. A train is huge though, and seems grossly out of place instead of something like a trolly. "...pulling a line of carriages..." makes me think of actual carriages, the kind that Robin Hood and his band of merry men robbed. Wooden boxes on wheels, which I can't see realistically being able to be pulled around a city by a steam powered train. Are these brick buildings sky-scrapers? Or are they maybe 2-5 story buildings? It seems like there are multiple sky-scrapers lining the streets.

As for the narration to Dr. Steam dialogue... it makes me feel more like someone who is describing the situation, walking alongside the Dr., and yet it's a fourth wall breakage that makes it hard to follow. It's kind of like Deadpool meets steampunk, meets talking to the audience, meets confusion in general.

TL;DR version: Too much interaction with the narrator, not enough setting, word choice is hard to follow. Potentially interesting idea nonetheless.

[hoytti]

Thank you so much Taskmaster. I'll see what I can do to fix it.

[Taskmienster]

When you are writing, I'd suggest if you know what you want to say and can't figure it out exactly... go to thesaurus.com and look for a word. Don't look for the biggest most obtuse beast, because you'll end up with purple prose that doesn't flow correctly. Think of the tone/atmosphere you are setting and when you find a word feels awkward or doesn't fit the setting find something that flows with the writing better. In the end, diction really will make or break your writing.

Hope I helped as well. If you want more commentary as you continue I do get on time to time, feel free to PM me. If you think I'm just a lurker who logs to troll players with criticism... eh, kinda. Lol. But just trying to help the only way I know to, so feel free to tell me to go away if you don't like my input. =p