View Full Version : Words Unwisely Wound (Closed)
Words Unwisely Wound (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d94OeyC_hx8)
Closed to BlueGhostofSeaside.
“What does she want?”
Ruby’s grimace searched for answers in the monk’s features. In the darkness of the ante chamber, she sought long and hard for answers.
“She claims to want for the ‘strength to lead’.” Solemnity. Repose. Stoniness. The monk who guided Ruby Winchester to the doors of the arena was the perfect embodiment of the Ai’bron. Unmoving in a turbulent storm. Defiant of emotion and consequence.
“ Without drawing blood or kicking people in the gentlemanly parts?” This was where her understanding fell short. A request for her patronage and tuition was natural, considering all she had done in life. To request her for lessons in diction and decorum, however, was most unusual.
The monk fell silent. Brown cloth his shroud. Piety his shield. Side by side, the red headed matriarch and the hazelnut champion of the Citadel waited for the doors to the arena to swing open. Furrowing her brow with anticipation, Ruby sucked eggs in recollection. Her would be pupil had been part of the Eiskaltian royal household. How could someone like Ashla think as ill of themselves as to call on someone like Ruby?
“We are ready,” the monk said ominously. His voice echoed with the shrill cry of the ages. Hundreds of other voices joined him in choral reprise, and the echo pushed the door outwards. Beyond lay sand as far as the eyes could see. Endless, infinite bleakness.
“I’m damned glad somebody bloody is,” she clucked as she crossed the ominous threshold.
Ashla let out a heavy sigh as she starred at the oak door in front of her...
Why was she here? Ashla had come to the Citadel hoping to find out if she could be her old self again. The dumb war had taken an extremely heavy toll on her and she didn't even feel like the girl she had known about a year back now. Ashla took a moment to let her built up emotions take control and stomped one of her feet onto the stone floor. Ashla was absolutely sick of fighting, yet somehow she had ended up here. She had told the monks that she was hoping for an opponent who would help her to boost her moral and leadership skills back up again. At the beginning of it all, she had done her best to do the exact same thing for her people... where had all that determination gone?
Was it destroyed by the crushing fists of the enemy? Was it buried underground? Was it been killed in the flames of war? Had it been frozen over like her cousin, Fulgur II, deemed it would be.
"Some think it it purely a simple family trait. Other people believe this stuff just happens... Others have a conspiracy that it's a curse in our bloodline. Many of our own family have fallen towards being victoms of a process called numbing. It is when a family member slowly- but surely - looses all sense of heart... I believe that's what is happening to you."
Ashla growled, she hated this process. And she was always clinging to the heart she had left; she had never wanted this... She bit her lip until it bled. She just wanted to go back. She wanted to go back to her old self, a carefree girl running rampid across Fallien. Even being alone had been better than this. She wanted her old self back. She sometimes wished she had never met Fulgur and never learned anything about the harsh truth of her past - that her parents were outlaws and she had always been alienated by her own kin for that. Fulgur treated her better, but she still felt the bitter towards the rest of them. It was an old ache, cluttered onto her heart like dirt on an old shelf. It kept on poisoning her as the mildew grew due to the dampness of the house that heart-shaped shelf had come from.
Ashla growled loudly, she was desperate. If it meant another - sick - fight (away from the front-lines) she would take it... Aggravated and starving for hope, she stalked into the room.
The heat of the otherworld was unbearable. It was familiar. It was home. Ruby recognised the rolling sands, which rose as the doors closed. Fallien. Land of xenophobic ingrates and beautiful, yet deadly beasts. She figured this was appropriate a place as any to learn the finer arts of rhetoric and democracy.
“Hello?” she shouted. Her voice, shrill and stubborn flowed like an ill wind over the dunes. Seagulls flocked overhead. They were close to the sea, or perhaps the Aniela peaks by the ocean. The very crown of Fallien, regal and rugged.
Without an answer Ruby found herself wanting. Perhaps the door was beyond the dunes ahead, obscured by the still shifting sands as illusion became all too real. She waited a few minutes, and when the scenery became static and certain, she advanced. Black heels digging into the shattered glass in earnest, the spell singer found the march come climb difficult. Beneath her many layers, her skin beaded with sweat.
“Hello!” she shouted a second time. Her voice grew irritated. She stood fiery and resplendent atop the tallest of the dunes. She rested her hands on hips, flames coruscating from her shoulders like wings of growing anger. Her heart burnt just as ferociously. Her blood boiled just as fierily.
Beneath blue skies brilliant, another door. Through the portal came the débutante of the day, Ashla Icebreaker. She was as every bit charismatic, youthful, and beautiful as Ruby remembered.
“Hoy there!” she said lofty and haughty, queen of nothing.
Ashla recognized this place instantly, as she had lived here for three years...
... Fallien.
She had scrapped off rocks, begged for food, and had had several misadventures in this land of desert sands and rocky terrains. And this was just as she remembered it. What was she even doing here now though? Had the monks read her mind and given her a place to perhaps 'heal' her sickness of despair? If that was the case Ashla would have laughed. She still wondered why she had come to the Citadel. Why? She blinked, blue eyes breaking out in a mess of yellow and red dunes everywhere. Black clothes, fit for a rainy day or winter chill much better than the desert, stood out enormously. Ashla heard a voice call out to her. Ashla blinked wildly as she forced herself across the desert area where she saw a beautiful woman wearing an elegant dress. Was this her opponent?
Ashla knew, certainly from herself, not to judge a book by its cover. She would give this lady a chance. She smiled kindly at the woman, "H-H-Hi!" She shouted above the winds of Fallien, "Y-You're here to- ... fight?"
“Fight is a dirty word wound tightly with anger and bright vitriol ribbon, my dear!” she replied. Holding her arms aloft in faux welcome, she approached with all the motherly love she could muster.
This, after all, was a bittersweet reunion.
“I hope you are well?” she enquired. She stopped when they were some twenty feet apart.
The dunes rocked back and forth. They ebbed and flowed. They fell through cycling trivialities of natural evolution and pathetic fallacy. They settled as Ruby’s nerves settled. A natural caldera, fire spent, formed an arena of sorts about the women. There, in nature’s throne, voices echoed and speeches resounded through age and isolation.
Ashla nodded curtly. “I’m not sure I can fight you…,” she hesitated.
Ruby smiled warmly. She folded her arms across her chest and tapped the tip of her right toe on the sand. Tremolo earthquake, minute and miniscule bounced golden flecks of civilisations long lost.
“My dear, you’re not here to fight like that.” She shook her head. It would do her reputation no service to cut queens of foreign lands atwain. “We’re here to wield words, not weapons.” Just like that, she unsheathed the sword on her hip and, with a grunt, threw it as far away to her left as she could. It span flaxen and silver in the sunlight, fell to the sand, and faded beneath its eternally shifting skin.
“We’re not?” The girl’s curiosity was a beacon in the bleak wilds.
“Hurt me with truths, Ashla.”
At first, Ashla had no idea. Hurt with words? Ashla knew, oh how she knew, that words could be the sharpest weapon. But that was the exact reason she was afraid to use them. She never wanted to offend people, even if they offended her. The look on her, it was obvious, she was hiding behind a silent mouth with a million nasty things to say... and she was hiding out of fear.
"A-A-a- Are you su-u-ure??" She questioned, shifting constantly in her place. Her face revealed the true innocence of a child, it was blank and confused. She tilted her head, taking in the opportunity, then attempted to start off in their little flame war."
"Well, you asked me if I was okay..." She crossed her arms, "Well... No, I'm not." Her attitude began to rise. She suddenly erupted. She felt the fire in her spreading. She was losing control of herself. It felt... good... "Yeah, I'm not alright because of what people like you put me through!" This. Letting everything go. Yelling, screaming. It felt like medicine to her... or even more accurately, a drug. She lifted her finger and shook, "I know what side you were on!" she growled, "You were teamed up with those- de- demons who invaded my country! Who destroyed my country!"
Ashla threw her other arm aside, she was ticked. Screaming and shouting about it intoxicated her. It made her feel well again. She felt like she was finally in control. Every word she proclaimed was true. Ruby had been on the side of the enemy. "For once I was having a good life, but then people like you, of the Crimson hand and Misery Business, invaded my country and took it away again! How dare you!?!" Her words were now louder than the high winds flowing around them, her eyes taking on her family's signature eyes of ice. "Thanks to the likes of you I lost everything again!" She screamed and shouted, she stomped her feet, "HOW DARE YOU?!? I swear! I'll kill you all!" She clenched her fists and drew them back, sand flew up around her but she didn't care now. "You'll all pay and I hate you! I hate you!" ... She went on and on, starting to throw insults at 'the likes of them' ... ...
Ruby could only smile at the princess’s outburst. Her lips, drying in the torrid heat of the desert pursed. Pledging to let anger take its course, the matriarch of fire burnt like an ember in a nestled hearth. Her heat served as a shield. Her oblivious nature, her experiences, a sword to parry aside blows.
“Truth is, Ashla…half the arguments in the world are based on assumption.” She settled in her own shoes and found comfort of sorts at last. “You assumed I was fighting for the enemy. You assumed I was your enemy.”
A soft, undulating breeze pierced the pathetic fallacy of the arena. Ruby settled it by advancing towards her ‘opponent’. She had acted in the best interest of Ashla’s people, and even now, with wrath wrapped warmly about her shoulders, she acted in those same interests.
“I saw you!” the princess screamed. Truth, conviction, and tempest formed her rejection. Ruby, for just a second, felt like she was defeated before she begun. “I…think I saw you,” Ashla went on, lips curled, eyes narrowed.
“Shout.”
“Why am I here?” Ashla shouted.
“Not why, but why not?” With a dour and debonair smirk, Ruby flicked her locks and rolled her head. “I invited you. You came. Burning earth and misdeeds of the past change nothing.” She held out her hands compellingly. “Dance with me.”
If words were not going to form adequate blades and palisades to teach the girl manners, then perhaps dance steps and pirouettes would conjure learning.
Ashla was still enraged, but Ruby's last words must have switched her to the child she usually was... Her face was innocent, her head was tilted to the side. Her blue eyes still shadowed her pain, but they showed much simple confusion. "Dance? You mean- like... literally?"
Ashla knew the basics on dancing, but having failed her lady's etiquette classes in Eiskalt, she knew little. The harsh, Fallien winds blew Ashla's long, lustrous hair in one direction. Her clothes also swayed with the wind, as if they themselves wanted Ashla to dance. Ashla's titled her head up again, "Dance? Really?" She pointed at herself, "Look at me!" Her hands flew to the sides, "Do I look like a lady??"
Even being the duchess of Eiskalt had not taught her manners, all it taught her was how to get used to wearing a constricting, ugly looking, dress. Ashla so much preferred the outfit she had on now, despite the fact that in the boiling sun she was sweating through. She sighed and pulled her leather gloves off so she could take off the delicate cloth gloves beneath. Holding both gloves in one hand, she reached with one finger and pulled off one. She then switched hands and repeated the process, "I'm sorry," Ashla stated, still holding her leather gloves in her hands while the cloth ones drifted away on the winds and onto the hill upon hills of sand beyond, "I'm not cut out for such activities..."
In all honesty, Ashla was also embarrassed. Embarrassed about her current stature as a girl. She was so much like a tomboy, she hardly held many girlish activities sacred to her. The best she knew was basic knitting. And for another woman who looked so much more like a princess than a fighter to ask her to participate in dancing... Ashla suddenly felt more awkward than mad.
“Nobody is born cut out to dance,” Ruby rasped. She advanced with forceful and striking steps across the sand. “Nobody who dances like this is a lady.”
She had witnessed street theatre in Scara Brae enough times to know that the women who partook were anything but regal. Beauty came at a price, and the price was poverty and recklessness. Swearing and scruffy napes were part of true skill’s allure.
“Just take my pikin’ hand,” she commanded, “And move.”
That was all there was to it in the eyes of the spell singer. Whilst Ashla might have sworn she was not ready, Ruby had seen otherwise. Preparation was part of the Eiskaltian’s soul.
“Thayne’s be damned, move!” Ruby roared.
The girl was emotional and high strung – opinionated to a tee. She had everything to lose and yet so much to gain. Though the red headed spell singer had lost her way in a moment of madness on the island of Eiskalt, in Ashla, she saw perfect clarity and foresight. She saw intent. She saw purpose. She saw potential.
“Move, damnit!”
Her fingers, elegant and perfectly manicured cupped the princess’s digits. She bent at the knee, a stance that started a thousand ballroom bounces, and waited for her charge to take the lead. Whilst she would have preferred to skewer someone with a sword about now, this was just as exhilarating, and her taunt hauntingly hung her nerves out to dry.
Anticipation. The first movement. The thrill of the dance floor.
I'm so sorry for such a late reply!!
Ashla watched Ruby begin already... Ashla's eyes just narrowed, her head turning a bit. Another bit of wind blew both girls' hair around. With that, Ashla actually began to move. The only time she had tried to dance in public was with Julius Tabor on a dance floor back in Eiskalt. The experience was... interesting... as one could say... Julius could have sworn Ashla had broken both his feet from stepping on them so much and he held the childish grudge for almost a week before they both suddenly burst out laughing about it.
Ashla remembered a basic dance she had learned in her etiquette classes though, Ashla somehow remembered. She slowly moved her feet in the basic steps, placing her arms behind her back as the dance recalled. After several moments of this, Ashla continued the footsteps before drawing her arms out, shaking in her nervousness. She then performed an extremely low dance kick then turned around - only to fall flat on her bottom. After the yellow cloud of sand had cleared around her, Ashla looked up to Ruby, her cheeks still burning red like a tomato, and she scoffed, "Now are you impressed?" The question was clearly sarcastic.
The searing and scathing sarcasm aside, Ruby Winchester was in fact quite impressed. It was hard, given Ashla’s performance, not to be. From non-chant and indignant mistress to debutante ball worthy waif in minutes. She disallowed her ego room to swell. She kept up her education. She kept up the boisterous momentum.
“Only those who never try fail.” She stepped up to Ashla’s side and held out a dainty hand. Helping her upright was the correct, polite, and well-mannered thing to do. Of course, Ruby had every intention to knock her right back down again. She never said she was a woman all the time.
“Take my hand. Rise resplendent. Less talk. Dance.” The series of commands were simple enough, but they held weighty meanings that could lose even the sharpest of minds in rhetoric and metaphor. What Ruby meant was this: get up, keep trying. She would take no other answer than yes. She would suffer no other waste of her time than continuing the lesson.
Fake Fallien sand skittered down over ancient dunes about them. The clouds that obfuscated the pallid sun roiled. Horses, dragon, and daydreams formed in their lofty expanses, only to fade away as quickly as they formed. Despite the titanic clash of stubborn and stubborn below, nature carried on regardless. It, unlike the red head and the ice mistress, was indifferent to the indignant whims and high charged emotions of women who thought themselves better, or worse, than the person they ought to be.
Ashla scoffed, the puff of air coming from her mouth pushing her hair away from her face. The duchess reluctantly took Ruby's hand and pushed herself up. Her arms were crossed, once again the girl was growing hot in such weather. Ashla's eyes were cold and her eyelids dropped halfway... she was not happy.
"Only those who never try fail." The words made the Icebreaker want to scream. Suddenly, with no warning, she started screaming again, "Screw your dumb 'dancing'!" She threw her bare arms, riddled with grains of sand against sticky skin. Her faint scars on one of her wrists were now by an inch visible. "I've tried so hard so many times!" More than anger was coming across the girl's eyes: pain. "I tried so hard... I never got anything from it! People don't give me crap, lady!" Ashla clenched her fists and threw one of her arms down, "I fought some bloody battles but how may times did I fail?? Uh, so yeah, I've tried over and over again, and I've failed that many times! You know nothing..."
Ashla refused to dance. She had danced enough... danced enough with her fate. Until this woman backed down from Ashla's own business, she would stand. Sweat was collection on her back, her black shirt now half soaked. The child's breathing was getting heavier. She had forgotten how hot Fallien was, especially after staying in the frozen over Eiskalt. Ashla had learned to adapt after about two of the three years she had stayed there, but she had forgotten and she was new to this place all over again. Even though this wasn't the real Fallien, it was bad enough... Any minute now, Ashla would have been driven enough to call the match. She was sick of this.
A spark. A flame. A fornicating ruination. All the emotions of women ruined by war and desperation swelled in the atmosphere. They threatened to eclipse moments and the sun. In her outburst, Ruby saw herself centuries ago. Smiling at her achievement, she conjured a blade to her right hand’s grip and smirked.
“Perfect.”
There was little else to say. The girl before her became a woman in her rejection of the spell singer’s command. Though Fallien ebbed, flowed, and crumbled beneath their furious steps, it became still and subservient as they squared off. Clouds roiled overhead. A breeze grew, and then died into humidity unrivalled by even Haida’s conflagrations.
“Dance like you want to dance.” Lucrezia, a sword as old and wise as Ruby, and twice as sarcastic sung vibrato trills as its wielder stepped forwards. Ruby swung with all her lady-like might into Ashla’s right shoulder. Not one to bring pain unnecessarily, she pulled her swung. “If you don’t want do something, you damned well tell the world with all your heart!”
Whilst a sudden turn, an impact on the girl’s senses and seemingly delicate emotions, Ruby had promised to turn those feint cracks on wrists into battle scars, not regrets. Whatever pain was wracking the girl’s mind, she would reforge it into strength, determination, and testimony. As long as she lived, which would be a long time indeed, Eiskalt’s protector would be a worthy holder of that title.
Lives, by the thousands, depended on Ashla rising above hatred.
The swing of the sword caught Ashla by surprise. The girl instinctively called on her frost armor. Her icy cloak blocked the swing well. Ashla then morphed out of it and immediately drew back, pulling out her damascus broadsword. She held the blade up defensively, her mouth curved into one of confusion. Suddenly, this woman wanted to fight. Ashla was currently feeling like this heat was a drag, the humid atmosphere was causing her to be hard at breathing. However, her anger pushed her to accept the challenge.
She sighed and lowered her sword, making it look as if she was dropping her gaurd - but only for a moment. She immediately called on her family's abilities, extending her hand. A blue light burst open, the young Icebreaker could feel the power surging through her. It strengthened her. A spear made of ice formed in her hand. She smirking, this summoned weapon was the same strength as her sword.
"Wanna fight?" She aimed the spear. No longer would this woman tell her what to do. As of now, Ashla was leading the dance.
In light of the request, Ruby Winchester ceased her tuition. She stepped away from Ashla, held her hands in the small of her back, and stood as tall as her frame could allow. Indomitable, imposing, and proud.
“What do you think we have been doing these last moments?”
In her eyes, there was mischief, metaphor, and malady. Fallien beneath her black heels crumbled no more. It resisted. The world around them, minute and vibrating to a minuet of life began to rebuild itself. Irrakam formed from cracked earth. A tributary of water impressed upon the crowd the shape of the Attireyi. Perfection in miniature, beauty in war.
“No, Ashla, I do not.” She slouched. Her tension faded. Her will to fight drained from her, joining the river. “If you think the lesson I have tried to teach you hear today was successful, turn away. Walk through the doors, and take pride in your conquest.”
The arena, reformed anew, fell silent. The crowd, upon realising there was little to see, departed. Scrying pools and divining crystals misted. Water as water, quartz as quartz, no mystery revealed in their symmetry.
“If you think I am foolish, drive that spear through one of my hearts and throw away all you have learnt.” The challenge was sincere, and reinforced by Ruby’s smouldering glare. Sweat, beading on her nose’s tip, signed her fate in blood and tears. She had done all she could to bring out the best in Eiskalt’s only certain hope.
An island’s future rested the girl’s next action.
Ashla paused. They were in perfect position to fight... and yet, Ruby backed down. She mentioned a lesson, but what lesson? Then Ashla remembered why she first came here. To regain her confidence.
Ashla had gained it.
She had been wholeheartedly willing to fight, and gain complete order, with this woman. And that was when Ashla realized she already had control. She had acted in a way of disorder, but control. Ashla had turned down various requests to take on the actions someone else wanted. She finally turned her down on dancing. Was this the lesson? Learning to say yes and no?
Ashla let go of the spear, letting the ice melt onto the sandy ground. She lowered her sword, holding her head high. She still had morals, if this wasn't a battle why shouldn't she kill her? ... even if she did wreck her home.
The teenager put her sword away, "Fine."
Sticky, grubby, and exhausted from even just standing here, she turned back to the door she came from.
Philomel
12-11-14, 03:05 PM
Thread Title: Words Unwisely Wound (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?XXXXXhttp://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27297-Words-Unwisely-Wound-%28Closed%29
)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Ruby vs Blue Ghost of Seaside
Plot: 20 --- 19
Story- 7/10---7/10
Ruby: Your telling of the story was excellent. You showed a clear line of story that you had (perhaps) planned out, though the story itself did end on a strange note, and almost seemed to quickly develop from fighting to teaching etc.
Blue Ghost: What was very good about story for you in this thread was your small bit of character development. Although, technically, this comes under character, it seems appropriate to also put it here and highlight the strength of the fact. The movement from Blue Ghost just being angry and looking for a fight, to then being taught and even revealing a little bit of humility through it was immensely well done. That being said, however, you could have tightened up a little tightening in places in terms of transitions from section to section.
Setting- 6/10---6/10
Ruby: The creation of the setting was an interesting idea, though your opening post easily could have done with more description of it throughout. Another weakness was that you did not really have your character act with the sand at all. Though it is something of a thread about the actions between the two characters, there was easy scope to use the senses to interact with the setting a lot more.
Blue Ghost: Likewise, your use of setting was thin here. Though you did mention the sand a couple of times it would have been good to know what else there was - such as how the sky looked or where the door was in terms of this broad landscape.
Pacing- 7/10---6/10
Ruby: Pacing was overall done well in this. Other that in the middle there could have been a lengthier transition from a goading to a teaching method, it was pretty decent and good.
Blue Ghost: Very similar in terms of overall pacing. However, also, your individual actions could have done with slightly more developing in terms of description and following them all the way through. The judge (me) knows that you were working on this particular point, and the advice that she would give here is to try to add more describing words into your actions, and using similes, so that they do not seem so rushed.
Character: 19 --- 19
Communication- 6/10---7/10
Ruby: Your words are strong and powerful. Very dominating, like your character. At times, it does seem to drown out the character herself, and the repetition of dance was a little distraction, though it is understandable why you wrote it in. Just be careful to get a good balance of action and persona also.
Blue Ghost: In particular, similar to the development of Ashla as already mentioned through the thread your communication excellent follows this with the stuttered speech from your first few posts, to the final line of dialogue that is simple and strong: “fine” (post 16).
Action-7/10---6/10
Ruby: Action seemed complete, and well done. Ruby was very in control of actions, which is how you want to show her, and it adds colour to her character. She is also very clever and self-aware which is clear in your writing. One weakness, however, is sometimes that your rich descriptions can cloud over the overall strength of the actions, so on the ones you want to keep clear could do with a little bit of tightening.
Blue Ghost: Please see pacing for a little advice on actions. One note is that you really want your actions to clearly display your characters personality and their state of mind, and in general you do have a development in action, though this could be more defined.
Persona- 6/10---6/10
Ruby: The character of Ruby does come across well, but what was missing to some extent here was a sense of Ruby’s own personal feelings. Yes, there were subtly put in, and at times they sneaked fully through such as in post 13 with “”Ruby saw herself centuries ago” however a little more of this would have added strength to your writing.
Blue Ghost: Great writing in terms of this. However, as a tip try adding a few direct thoughts of Ashla’s along with the monologue-style paragraphs. This could well balance out the large areas of dialogue you have.
Prose: 21 --- 17
Mechanics- 6/10---6/10
General: Both of you unfortunately have a slight problem with paragraphing. A line of dialogue should always have its own paragraph, and then a following line of action a separate one after that. Also, at times your use of bold and underlines (this particularly is in connection to Blue Ghost, unfortunately) distract visually from the reader being able to fully read through the piece in the order you want them to as the eye is automatically drawn to these parts. Try just using italics as this is more subtle.
Ruby: Aside from these weaknesses you do have a good hold on spelling and sentence structure, apart from a small mistake in post 13 with, “she pulled her swung” where “swung” should maybe be “sword”.
Blue Ghost: In post 6 especially, your last paragraph could have done with being broken up somewhat, in accordance to the rules in general. However, there was excellent use of very tricky punctuation at times that is very impressive, so excellent here!
Clarity- 7/10---6/10
Ruby: Clarity of thought and reason in terms of Ruby’s character was obvious here and well written, however as mentioned your description does sometimes disguise some actions that should have been simple and clean. This is such a small problem, however, and though it has been mentioned a few times it is not one to worry about much.
Blue Ghost: This has been mentioned already, however a more solid point in terms of clarity - it would help with your actions to follow them more through. Overall, however, you did write a clear story with a good development from beginning to end.
Technique- 8/10---5/10
Ruby: Your description was enchanting, especially within your opening post. You have a really strong way of using linguistic technique, such as, “His voice echoed with the shrill cry of the ages” in post 1, which an excellent example of metaphor. You did not falter, either, with this great style of writing, making the whole thing captivating, so really well done here.
Blue Ghost: Generally you describe well, however your writing could improve with being a little experimental with your style and use of technique. As you can see with Ruby’s writing, she adds a lot of colour and ambitious words that help her to really bring her work to life. You can write some really brilliant sections, for example in post 6 with, “hiding behind a silent mouth with a million nasty things to say” but it would help to continue this in throughout your piece. Try opening a thesaurus and using odd long words in the place of simple ones and this will start to make your writing more exciting.
Wildcard: 7 --- 7
In the spirit of the knowledge of this being something of a working thread, to help Blue Ghost develop her action, wildcard is going to be based on overall development here in how much the writers have worked and clearly developed in recent threads. For Ruby, as partner, the points here more focus on the teaching aspect.
Final Score: 67---62
Ruby (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14033-Ruby) Wins!:
2013 EXP!
109 GP!
Congratulations!
BlueGhostOfSeaside (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16205-BlueGhostofSeaside) Receives:
525 EXP!
101 GP!
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