View Full Version : Painting the Streets Red.
Drip... drip... drip... this sound echoes throughout the streets of Beinost but from what and where is uncertain. The only thing that is certain is that the under populated city of Beinost will certainly remember what is to come next. Today marks the end for this large city, and the beginning of something more, the beginning of a new age. Largely this is to be the foot hold for Ioder's plans, and the base of operations for his new found allies.
"It really is a pity that I have to actually do all of this by hand." Ioder mutters to himself as he is bent over a the edge of a taller building peering over the side. A pool of blood behind him and a trail leading over to the edge where he sits, and down below a on the cold cobblestone of the street lies a mutilated corpse surrounded by pieces of itself that Ioder had cut off as a means of torture. Ioder had been at it for weeks and had already cut the already small population of Beinost in half. "Not to shabby, this scum has no reason to suspect me." He says as he contorts his shape to on of a cute little girl maybe the age of six. "Ill just lure them all in and then put my hand trough their chest."
Ioder then jumps off the side of the building and down to the ground to where the body ways, just before he reaches the ground he reveals and extends his wings to create lift and soften his landing. Then he quickly folds his wings up and conceals then as not do draw suspicion to himself, seeing as there still are a small sum of people that still reside in the city.
"Israfil," A voice sounds from behind Ioder completely taking him by surprise, not only for startling him but also for using his real name. "What is this game you are playing?" the voices sounds familiar so Ioder turns around and sees that it is a fellow Seraphim Asura. Asura is the Seraphim of Destiny, leading to believe that like Ioder he has a job to be done in this realm.
"Brother you already know what I am doing, I plan on judging this world for all of its crimes and wrong doings." He says using his manly voice instead of hiding his tone in this little girl of a body, actually its really a funny thing to see.
"Be warned, This is not an easy road you walk, I see many dangers and trials ahead for you." Asura said as he turned and began to walk away form his younger brother, "You will be faced with your own judgment soon." And those were the only words he said further. Seraphim can find one another without trouble as they are all bound as a race of super entities, so if he wanted to find him again it would be as simple as turning the corner.
Ioder then in his childish form began to walk down the street looking for anybody alive so that he can purify this city and make it his own.
Long since the dawn of his existence, Ioder had been deemed a rash and un-emotional being. Truly believing that he is a higher being than most and in the past striking down any who say different, but these people of Beinost were not targeted out of revenge or pride. They are simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, this city was a perfect place for Ioder to start develop his Ideals. And the simplest way to remove vermin is to kill them, all of them.
Ioder cloaked with the appearance of a little girl had once again blended into the small sporadic crowds of people and elves inhabiting the streets. The news of a killer had been circulating around the masses for some time now but none have been able to spot any of the killings in the act, so all of the remaining citizens have begun to be more cautious in their day to day lives. "Balls." Ioder said to himself as he realizes that many of the people had begun to carry weapons around to protect themselves, in fact not a soul around other than himself was not armed.
As he walked farther up the street going towards the town center where the people gathered for meetings and such, he noticed the sounds of yelling and chanting. Turning the corner the sound hade increased and he could see that there was a large crowd of people all gathered around what looks like makeshift gallows, typically where they would publicly put someone to death. Atop the stage were three men, a knight in a suit of armor yelling at the crowd and waving a sword around, the next was a hooded man that appeared to be the executioner. Lastly a scrawny man with a sac over his face and his hands bound was being pushed around buy the executioner.
"Friends! Lend me your ears." The one with the sword began to speak. "The string of recent murders have tormented the lives of all of us, but today we have found and caught the persecutor of the crimes. This man, this evil and filthy man has been plotting the deaths our people for weeks and has been killing them just the same." He says as he points to the man as the executioner removes the sac from his head. Revealing his face to be one of a young elf, with a scar over his eye from what seems to be a slash of a sword.
"I have not you fool!" The elf cries pleading for his life. "You have not the one you seek, not now or ever have I killed anyone." The crowd of angry citizens paid him no mind as they all just wanted to see the blood of this accused man.
"Silence you," The man with the sword said as he points the blade to the elves throat. "You will pay for your crimes with your life." The hooded man swiftly punches the elf in the gut and lifts him over his shoulder as he gasped to regain his breath. Kicking the whole way over until they reached the noose the dangled fro the rafter above, just the sight of it made the crowd scream with excitement over the thought of this mans blood lose. The hooded man placed the kicking elf in position with the noose secured firmly around his neck, with him barley touching a barrel below him with his toes. Ioder could not believe what was taking place this elf was going to die, and everyone convinced he was the one who has been killing everyone. His eyes grew large with anticipation to see this young elf's neck snap under his own weight.
The next few moments went by in a flash, some inaudible words from the man with the sword and a swift kick to the barrel, and the elf was dead. The light faded from his eyes as his life left him, he died with everyone wishing for his death not a soul would had prayed for him to pass over easily. And just as quickly as this happened the masses began to go back to their everyday lives, the hooded man removing the body and the armored soldier leaving the stage. This was a good chance to really mess with him, so Ioder quickly made hast to catch up to the soldier who had moved down into a narrow alley way.
"Mister," He said as he reaches to grab onto his shirt, now his voice was one of a little girl. " Hey mister."
The soldier turns around to see this cute as a button little girl reaching for him, so he instinctively reaches down to pick her up. "Now where are your parents?" He asks as he pokes Ioder on the nose.
"You got the wrong guy, " He says with a devilish look on his face. "Im the one who has been purifying this place." Then he reaches forward and pierces the soldiers neck with his hand and rips out the mussel. The look of the mans face was one of pure terror and disgust, but just like that he was gone and there was one less person to condemn.
"Thanks for your help," Ioder said to the lifeless body now laying in a pool of blood before his feet, "Now that you have executed the murderer in front of everybody I can go back to purifying this city without worries." The Ioder turned to leave the alleyway, and figure out what his next move was, he had indeed spent the last few weeks picking the citizens off on at a time but this was proving to be a pain. He was trying to figure out a way to finish all of this as quickly as possible, maybe setting up explosives or even just starting a brawl out in the center of the city. Plenty of options race threw his mind as he turns the corner and exits the alleyway, nothing suspicious about it just an innocent little girl taking a short cut.
"No, I don't have the resources to set up explosives or to anything time consuming as that, I guess the best choice is just trying to take out entire groups at a time." Ioder finally decided on what his next action would be. And with what luck the crowd of people from earlier had indeed dissipated to a point but there were still plenty of men and women hanging around in the central plaza. They were all most likely gossiping about the execution and how they can go back to their normal lives. But this was not going to be the case as these people would soon all be dead, killed by the hands of this angel.
"Can you believe that it was an elf?" One of the men was saying to the rest of the group of seven or so people hanging around. They all seemed to be happy that they have seen this presumed murderer put to his death, and being able to not have to walk around armed anymore.
"Yeah, im happy that this is finally over." One of the others replied "I mean haven't we all been through enough." He say referring to the war of old that once plagued this entire nation.
This was turning out to be a simple brawl with at least seven or so people soon to be dead, as Ioder can easily take these people using bruit force assuming they don't pull out any special abilities that he is not ready for. But never the less he was ready for this and in his childish for walks up to the group unnoticed and was looking to see how he should start this. There are four men armed and three unarmed women standing around, but with plenty of ways this could go wrong. He would have to strike down the women first to prevent their escape, will hoping that the armed men would try to kill him and not run.
"He goes nothing." Ioder thinks as he quickly starts to run towards the women all standing around and gossiping. His child for was now turning into a bother as he cannot run as fast with these short little legs, so he decided to morph back in mid sprint. The sight of a little girl's skin bubbling up and turning into a full grown man must have caught the eye of one of the women as they all began to scream and run away. But he had the momentum needed to catch up quickly and deliver swift roundhouse kicks to all of their legs forcing them to the ground. Them mercilessly and without second thought Ioder brought all of his force down upon all of their heads one at a time, leaving only brain matter and bits of broken skull on the floor around them.
All of the men had indeed acted as he wanted them to, drawing their weapons and circling around him like a pack of wolves about to take down a bear. But it would not play out the way nature would intend it to, rather the opposite Ioder has already won this fight as these poor excuses of scum were no match for him. Ioder stands up straight and notches his head to the side letting golden locks fall out from in front of his face, "Are you planning on doing something or just stand there and quiver in your boots like the scum you are." His words must have stricken a nerve on two of the men as it prompted them to try their luck at killing this angel. Both ran at him with their sword raised over their head in a unorthodox fashion like they have never fought a day in their lives, but regardless they both brought their swords down trying to kill Ioder.
Within an instant the two men brought their swords down trying to cleave Ioder in two, but it was clear they had no real experience to their slashes were slow and possessed no control. This was proving to be an easy bunch of people as Ioder simply had to take one step to the right and he was out of the way of the blades as the crash against the cold stone ground. The impact of the steel meeting stone sent sparks up as Ioder took control of this little fight. With one strong and well places kick to one of the mans jaw, Ioder was able to get him to drop his blade and stagger back until he fell to the ground on his ass.
Quickly the other man tried to bring his sword up in a attempt to slash up Ioder's back. But to no avail as Ioder had already planed on this and was one step ahead of these measly humans. Ioder had already placed on foot under the blade dropped by the man he had just put on the ground, and with one kick up launched it into up. With one hand he reaches out to grab it and simultaneously block the sword aiming to strike him. The two steel swords meet with a clashing sound as jumps a few feet back as to regain himself.
Now all of the remaining men including the one who had to struggle to his feet again were charging at the angel. Grunts and angry words were flying out of their mouths all the wile, proving that humans were dirty creature that use words more frequently than swords. The closed in leaving very little time for Ioder to react but time none the less. "Primitive monkeys!" He yells as they all enclosed around, three of which all swipe at him with their blades.
"Just die already, and let your souls be purified." He says as he launches himself up with the help of his no revealed wings creating a little lift. Them men's eyes and mouths open wide in aww as the see the wings and him flipping over them. As he lands behind them he sees that he has startled them and had the chance he was waiting for, he summoned his glimmer and wrapped his arm including the blade with it. Them with one quick swipe of his blade he instantly severed two of the men's head off of their bodies.
The men's severed heads seemed to almost suspend in mid air for a moment still showing an expression of complete aww. Spouts of blood shot from their neck holes like two crimson red fountains, covering not only the seraphim but the mortals as well. The blood rain continued for a few moments lasting only as long as the two head reached the ground. The sight of this must have sent shivers down the other spines as their knees began to quiver in fright. The sight must drained all of the blood lust from the puny humans, both turned suit and began to yell in pure terror.
"There is no running from this salvation." Ioder yells as the men started to run for their lives. Quickly Ioder made pursuit after the crying prey with full intent to end their lives without alerting the whole city to this small slaughter. Though if their annoying sounds of struggle had not already brought the light upon Ioder nothing these two could say or do reach help in time.
Ioder was indeed a speedy creature as far as sprinting goes, he was easily catching up to the men a the ran. With every scream of terror he was steadily gaining ground on the two, to the point that he could easily strike them down. All emotion had drained from Ioder's face other than pure blood lust, as if he truly enjoyed the thrill of the kill. Every inch he grew closer to them his grip tightened around his blade, up until the point where his sword met their flesh with one bloody swing. The cool steel slicing their warm skin like a knife threw sweat butter, beheading their heads in the same manner as the others.
Finally their screams stopped as Ioder stood above their lifeless bodies. "Salvation only comes quick to a few, feel honored to be so lucky." Out of pure happiness he dragged the sword ha had claimed threw the fresh pool of blood that had since formed around his feet. "Besides just look, youve painted the street such a beautiful color." He said as if he were still talking to the men.
After his gruesome display of violence and nonsensical killing of this group of people, Ioder had no choice but to make himself scarce. All of the screaming did in fact alert many others to scene, too many for Ioder to over overpower and kill at once. Instead he had ducked into an alley and them made his way up to the rooftops once again. All the wile listening to more and more people become aware that the 'Beinost Slaughterer' was still at large. As he sat atop on of the old buildings he felt a small sense of pity for these poor people, a feeling he normally never gets for the pond scum he slaughters. This quickly washed away by the flux of emotions he gets when he thinks of how much these creature had done to him and his sister in the past.
"Sister, one day soon we will have the world we dreamed of." Ioder says to himself in a quiet whisper, thinking back to the many times he and his sister craved a world where the belonged. The two whilst they were having to live in hiding, blending in with the very people who were hell bent on their deaths, often dreamt of a place they all could live without fear. A world where they could be themselves and there would be no persecution of races, no discrimination, no violence. This is the world he strides toward building, a world for his sister. Centuries they had feared for their lives and now, Ioder had only one goal in mind, make those who had caused pain onto his sister feel that of which they dealt. Humans, elves both were despicable beings that are all better as skid marks on the ground, they deserve no place in this new world.
For hours he simply sat looking off into the distance, admiring the pure beauty of the scenery. Imagining all of what he sees around him will soon be his, claimed by a river of blood. Washing out the old and paving a the land in order for him to rebuild it, one without scum, without vermin that will only corrupt it.
"Dear sister, one day you'll see al that I have done for you. All of this, every last bit just for you to live free and happy. Not to be burdened with grief, that all lies on my shoulders." He says as if talking to her, though there no one around. "You will see, you will see..." His voice drifts off still inaudibly muttering the same words over and over again.
The legend of the Seraphim, had long been forgotten over time and with it the fear of these 'Divine' beings. Now the hate that had been building by the humans and elves to them have been calmed as it was presumed that all of the Seraphim were gone. And without the knowledge of Seraphim, Ioder and his few brethren left are free to live as regular people, though most harbor mush hate for all of mankind. Ioder being the most active in displaying his hatred, often just killing humans and elves when he wishes without any remorse.
Evening fell upon the city of Beinost, and with it came discord and chaos. Ioder still happily observing all of the mayhem from his perch on the rooftops. The sun now only cresting over the few buildings that scatter the skyline of the city, soon darkness will envelope the land. Already the citizens are in an uproar as now did they not already catch the murderer but execute an innocent elf. The masses' cries of anger and fear echo threw every single alley and hall within the city, even if their numbers have been steadily falling.
"Just by plucking a few strings, the fabric of this city crumbles to nothingness." A smirk dawns Ioder's face at even the slight thought of causing disturbance to the scum of the world. "For so long I have sat by just letting these dogs run us into the ground." His voice softens as a small group of people walk by him on the ground just below him, "It is now my time, the time for the seraphim." The group passes him without ever suspecting there was a warm body around them.
Just as the small group of people nearly turn the corner to leave, Ioder over heard some startling words. "Yeah, they say he is a shapeshifter, he was a girl one second then a grown man the next!"
"What? How had I let anyone see me, there must have been someone I hadn't seen." He thinks as he quickly fallows the group, stalking them from the roof tops. This only in hops to hear the rest of the incriminating evidence to his identity. Ever so carefully the Seraphim crept after the group, every in he got closer the more and more he detested what he heard. On man even mentioning that he heard that the murderer had wings, that they were killed by an angel.
Ioder stricken with a sort of rage towards himself for letting himself be found out, revealing that there was an angel amongst the mortals. He stops his pursuit, still peering down to the street below. A blank stair, possibly reflecting on what life was like when Angels were feared, when they were hunted.
For many years since the original Seraphim existed in this world, they were blessed with riotous power and envied for such power. Often described as angels from above due to them possessing wings, the many young tribes of humans and elves feared them. This fears was indeed rational of the young races of the world, fear those who may be dangerous. Fear those who could be a threat to you, common in every specious, this impulse coursed through the populations. After along time, that fear developed into hate, anger, violence. Not long after this built up hate, sparked many of the young tribes to start trying to kill the Seraphim. Over the course of time the numbers of Seraphim began to diminish at a startling rate, their once strong culture began to fade as the fewer and fewer survived.
Legions of the Seraphim started to fade as they them selves were systematical killed off. This was about the time the surviving Seraphim stated to disguises themselves to live in secret with the humans and elves of the land. Their numbers, only decimals from what they were long ago. The survivors of this seemingly ageless genocide, were finally given sanctuary by blending in with the very people still hell-bent on killing them. Ioder and his older sister were one of these grief stricken people, deciding life alone surrounded by those who would sooner kill you if knowledge proved who they were. Instead of being feared, these mighty beings now fear for their very own survival.
Hundreds of years passed, and with time came changes. The legions of winged people turned into stories told to children, the hate harbored within the young humans and elves was quelled with age. This had given the remaining population of Seraphim to relax and attempting to live again. Still fearing every day of their lives weather this could be their final one, but they began none the less the began to live. More time passed and they were even able to make friends with the humans as long as they still hid their identities a secret. For there still existed some stories of these angels who were evil and must be destroyed.
Around this time in their history, Ioder and his sister Estelle had settled in a small town located in the sweet country side of Corone. The town was a new beginning for the Seraphim, they were still young in their existence and because of this they established themselves as younger people living on the land and assimilating into the community. To the point where Estelle became the leader of the school house and Ioder even attending as a student.
This was a brief moment in their lifetime where they enjoyed themselves again, they lived in this town for a long time. Years passed as the grew to know these people and even became friends with them, even sometimes forgetting that the rest of their family had been killed by disgusting humans. Ioder and Estelle and begun to feel happy again, even if they still only had each other they were indeed happy again. Living like humans was indeed rough though, Ioder and Estelle both grew to know this sad fact, often being placed in situations they were not ready for or expecting. Working to fit in a world that doesn't even know who you are was hard work, basically putting masks on every day just to survive. The fear that they had towards the humans, was starting to develop into hate. Just as did the humans towards them, they started to hate like a cycle the tables turn.
Ioder felt the hate towards their community more so than Estelle, She was a more dossal person than Ioder who was proud of who he was. Not that Estelle was not proud of being a Seraphim she was just more so ready to fit in forever than do anything that would endanger Ioder and herself. This is where Ioder and Estelle were different, where their story shifts into it's next segment. Ioder's hatred grew and grew to the point where it snapped and converted into violence, as one day Ioder proud of himself one by one killed every student in his and Estelle's class. Letting the screams of the children billow out of the building as it caught the ears of all the towns folk. Estelle helpless to stop Ioder in his fit of rage she tried instead to block the door as the towns folk were desperately trying to rescue their children. Enough force and they had indeed broken through only to be too late to save anyone, the only ones alive in the blood stained room were Ioder and Estelle. A brutal sight to be seen, bloody bodies draped over the rafters literally making it rain blood in the classroom. Ioder covered head to toe in crimson blood as Estelle had also gotten some on her also trying to pry Ioder of the kids. In a fit of rage Ioder revealed his wings to the people of this nice town, that had shown them such acceptance and kindness as humans. But as Seraphim they were now feared and hated again, this seemed to be the only emotions that Ioder and his sister have came to know.
The grief stricken adults of the town all tried their hands at killing Ioder as the rushed into the class room. Estelle not yet revealing herself afraid of what would happen her if she did. She would be forced to run for her life again possibly spending the rest of her life afraid of who would see her, but more prevalent was the fact that Ioder would be killed if she didn't do anything. He had already tired himself out 'releasing his pent up hate' on the children of these monsters, he would soon be over powered buy them. Stricken with the love of living versus the love of her only brother, she had made up her mind, she too started fighting back against the humans that she had come to like and enjoy. Together the fought for what seemed like an eternity, back to back to each other but they were severely out numbered. Finally with one last push Estelle the older of the two decided that even if she must die to these people, she was going to at least let her brother live. She pushed him out one of the widows of the classroom yelling to him, "Live on Ioder, one day we will be free. I love you... " Her last words as the masses swarmed her in front of Ioder.
Snapping back form his dismal haze Ioder reclaimed his consciousness standing atop the roofs of Beinost. The city was dark, with the lights of flickering torches illuminating the streets their yellow glow mesmerizing to the eyes. Ioder must have been gone for quiet awhile before he came back to reality, he could hear no organized yelling like before maybe the citizens had given up for the night in their pursuit of him. "I guess they have given up for now, maybe I should leave this place for a wile." He said talking to himself as he often does. "Ill come back another time, to finish what I had started." His voice full of determination, and his eyes light up with the fires of passion. He had not felt this ready to kill as he does now, remembering those tough time brought back the hate within his heart. Every fiber of his being felt the itch to kill some scum, but his mind was reminding him that he is still only one person versus this city. He would need more time before he could fully cleanse the city and make it his own.
Ioder's mind and body fought with each other over what should be done, jump down and try his best to finish what he started or to leave and return when the conditions are more suitable. His body's stubbornness was finally bested by his minds calm reasoning and he relaxed himself and he sat down on the rooftop. His legs dangling over the edge swaying back and forth gently as he reverts his adult for to his favorite younger version of himself. This is the for he like to use when he is relaxing and the one he most identifies himself with. With a golden flash he form shrinks and he now has the appearance of a young blond with blue eyes, he quickly brushes his hair away from his face and grabs the sword that he had clamed from men earlier as it almost felt from the rooftop with his transformation.
The sword was rather long for a regular blade, it resembled something of a long sword with a rather decorative hilt. Well I guess ill just keep this as a keepsake for my time I spent in this old city. he thought as he shrugged his shoulder. He had spent a long time trying to take the city, but his efforts only seemed to rile up the remaining population and allude to his identity as a Seraphim. Now a days they were only regarded as long forgotten stories not even told anymore as it has become nothing more than fiction to the new aged humans and elves. Just the thought of having to return to the terrible existence of being persecuted and hunted struck incredible fear within Ioder. This was Ioder's only real weakness, fear of reverting back into a recluse forced to stay on the hinges of society.
"Soon Estelle." He spoke these words to himself as he stood atop the buildings. He began to make his way to the outskirts of the city via the roof tops, in no rush in fact he was making a childish game of it. Attempting to cross each buildings with as few steps as possible, and as he reached each gap he would try his best to jump it without using his wings to help at all.
Asura, is this the judgment you spoke of earlier, or will my time come later. Are our goals not the same, do you with to exist only on the side lines of this world. Ioder pondered Asura's words from earlier, they held heavy on his conscious. The fact that Asura sought him out in these times meant he felt concern for him. Maybe he heard rumor of the killings of humans and elves in this old city, and feeling Ioder's presence must have prompted him to seek him out. Or did he see something that Ioder did not, did he see the end result for Ioder's conquest and ideals. Whatever you mean by my judgment, I will conquer that as well Asura.
Quentin Boone
05-26-14, 07:07 PM
Thread Title: Painting the Streets Red (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27341-Painting-the-Streets-Red)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Ioder
Plot: 10/30
Story- 4/10
The story seemed as though it would have been better suited as part of a larger thread and as such felt more like a scene than a full tale. A higher score can be achieved here by providing a more coherent link to past events and future plans. For example, why had Ioder chosen to cleanse that particular city? Had he cleansed any cities previously? What did he hope to do when the city was finally cleansed?
Setting- 3/10
While the setting was loosely mentioned, it was never expanded on and as such felt very empty. A Setting score can be improved by offering descriptions of where a character is. Try answering the following questions: What did the place look like? What did it smell like? What is going on around your character? What can your character feel (for example, were the rooftops slick and slightly slippery?)? Can they taste anything in the air?
Pacing- 3/10
The pacing was a little too fast; everything seemed to speed by, even the fight scene that occurred over a number of posts. This can be improved by adding more description as it naturally slows the reading pace down for the reader to absorb everything. The flashback seemed out of place and affected the Pacing score. Mechanics also harmed this score, but will be discussed below.
Character: 9/30
Communication- 3/10
Speech served well to express Ioder's hatred of humans and elves, but did very little else. There were no alternative methods of communication; remember that body language and facial expressions also play a big part. There was usage of internal dialogue, but it didn't add any further depth to the character. This score can be improved by further delving into your character's psyche and emotions through internal dialogue.
Action-3/10
Action suffered a hit here due to a lack of consistency and realism. Ioder is initially shown trying to be stealthy in his killing of people, then proceeds to attack a group in the middle of the city (which is arguably going to be the busiest place) but doesn't expect to be seen. While this might serve to show how his rage taking control, it doesn't really fit with everything that comes before or after. This score can be improved by keeping in mind that Action isn't only something to provide plot, but is just as much a part of the character. As such, it needs to make sense with everything else that the reader is told throughout the thread.
Persona- 3/10
Like Action, Persona is about being realistic and consistent. While you consistently portrayed the hatred your character wields, it felt a little over-played and forced upon the reader. Remember that a character often has more than one layer, and although there was an example of regret about Estelle's fate, it didn't add anything but extra hate. The score here lost an extra point due to inconsistency during the flashback; Ioder and Estelle were described as being generally content and very welcome in the town, so it seemed a little out of sorts for Ioder to try killing everyone seemingly out of the blue.
This score can be improved by showing the reader more of Ioder's emotional layers and using them more consistently to drive his motivations and goals.
Prose: 8/30
Mechanics- 3/10
The writing was full of spelling and grammatical errors that would easily have been found with a proofread of the work. Tenses frequently switched between past and present, and touched on the future tense at least once. The easiest way to improve your score here is to proof-read your work before submitting for judgement. Putting posts through a word processor will pick up a lot of errors, but be wary of homophones such as 'threw' and 'through' that a spell checker will miss. Another way to improve this score is to choose one tense and stick with it. Usually past-tense is used, "He did this and said that." You started off using present-tense, "He does this, he says that," which was actually a refreshing change from the norm. Staying consistent with the present tense while improving in other areas will make you stand out as a writer here.
Clarity- 3/10
In general, Mechanics hurt the Clarity score here as spelling errors made things unclear. Lack of description also made it very difficult to follow the fight scenes clearly. This score will improve as other sections are worked on, so don't worry too much about it at this point.
Technique-2/10
Technique was mostly lacking here, although there were a couple of uses of metaphor. Technique is about using literary devices to add style, flair and depth to your writing; things like metaphors, foreshadowing and symbolism. This score will be improved as you add more description to future threads and slow the pace down to help build tension, as has been advised above.
Wildcard: 4/10
There is potential here, keep working at it!
Final Score: 31/100
Ioder (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17424-Ioder) receives:
454 EXP!
65 GP!
Congratulations!
Request for spoils denied.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.