The Learning Curve (Closed)

[Hysteria]

Closed to Ioder

Alright! First thing first. The initial post is used to do a few different things. First we need to set the scene. So what does the place look like? Are we going to be fighting in a open field, a training room, or any other battle room/area? Don't go too crazy without talking to the other RPer, but have a bit of fun. In painting the picture there is a fine line between setting the scene and going overboard with details, but it is important to give the reader and your opponent a scene to walk into.

Setting done, time for some character motivation. You want to kick of the story just as you do the setting. You don't need to throw in every part of the story at the start, but you need to be able to link the story back to your whole story. For battles this is important because often they are motivated by OOC reasons. If your character isn't a "I'll smash your face" kinda person, then you need a reason.

Last thing of the post, leave it ready for your opponent to respond. So don't end the post have way through a door or doing something that will make their next post difficult.

To dot point (yay dot points!)
Paint the scene
Introduce your character
Wait for your opponent.

I've being very formulaic and simple, don't feel as if you need to do it in that order. You can mix it all together in a coherent piece of writing. With that in mind, can you write up the first post? The citadel is basically a big building that people go into to fight. Each room transports you to a fighting area of any type so you can be over a volcano, or on a mountain just as reasonably as in a field or a Colosseum.

[Ioder]

Ioder stood calmly in the halls of the great citadel, the great arena that drew large crowds from all over to watch combatants brutally kill one another. He had been patiently waiting for one of the Ai’Brone monks to return to him, letting him know that the arena he had described to them was constructed properly. This would be his first time ever fighting in the citadel, rather his first time fighting anyone that would be a challenge in general. Ioder had indeed spilled blood before but none of skilled fighters in a legitimate battle of skill. He preferred to just squash those who would be easy and non time-consuming prey.

Finally after what seemed an hour one of the monks had turned the corner of the giant building, quickly approaching Ioder either to tell him the good news or bad news. Ioder did describe a place presumably like non other that the monks have had to create. "Right this way, Master Ioder" The monk said as he turned and walked back in the direction he came. "We have go it set up just like you asked." He said as he struggled to breath from all the walking he must have been doing.

Ioder turned to follow the monk hearing the good news that his arena was ready, elated really that they were able to get it right. Happily he fallowed the monk as they navigated the great halls of the citadel, all the wile wondering who he would be fighting today. Will he be a big bruit, or a rascally archer. Maybe even some sort of wizard.Since the days of old when Seraphim actually existed in numbers long ago, Ioder and his sister both had been forced to stop fighting and lay low for hundreds of years to stay alive. This was to be his first real test of his skill, since as long as he could remember.

Ioder almost giddy as he and the monk approached a set of massive doors that towered over the both of them.What could it look like inside? He wondered as the monk gestured for him to enter and be ready for his opponent. Like a school girl he quickly opened the door and stepped through the threshold. Like a portal Ioder was sent through what seemed like space and time only to be placed standing on what looks like a giant ice burg set adrift in the ocean some where. The cool air kissing Ioder's cheek as everything around his is pure white and will easily be stained red with blood. Now I suppose I just wait for them to appear. He thinks as he takes in the whole area, a large piece of ice the size of a large whale floating in the ocean. All surrounded by smaller sized pieces of ice constantly orbiting the central one.

[Hysteria]

“AAAAAUUUUUUUOOWWWHH”

Talen walked with blissful ignorance through the door as he yawned. His hand ran through his unruly hair, failing to bring any order to his dark locks. The youth's foot touched the icy ground just as the blast of cold air wrapped its frigid grip around his unexposed arms. Talen's whole body seized and his face twisted into a look of absolute terror. The expression only worsened as he felt himself tilt to the side. His misplaced footing and the icy surface were unforgiving and the youth tumbled into the thin layer of snow covered ice.

“Ieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!” Talen jumped to his feet in a flash, wrapping his bare arms around himself as he shook the snow that grasp against him.

Through chattering teeth and a look of horror Talen's blue eyes fell onto his opponent. In a second his face hardened, his back straightened and he point and outstretched limb and finger towards the man he had yet to know the name of.

“Demon of ice! I shall-l-l-l” Talen stuttered through the rest of his sentence as hobbled over in a fit of shivers.

The cold weather didn't suit the youth's choice of cloths. A simple back t-shirt and pants were of little use in the freezing temperatures. The black leather boots were of some use, but they were hardly made for icy conditions.

A cloak of darkness materialised around the youth's shoulders, and Talen grabbed it quickly and wrapped himself up. It's effects were minimal, but it did comfort him somewhat to feel it around himself.

The youth's small frame looked even smaller wrapped in the black cloak and slightly bent over against the cold. The face that lifted to Ioder was doing its best to stifle its chattering teeth, but not very successfully.

“C-c-come at-t me.” Stuttered the youth.

Good post! You might want to re-read it with fresh eyes. There are some auto-corrected spelling mistakes (fallow rather than follow for example). If I had a penny every time I did the same thing I could hire someone to write my posts for me :p

So this part of the thread can generally go a few ways. aggressive characters (or aggressive writers :p) will often throw the first attack at the end of the second post. As soon as the character and scene are set they jump right in. Some other characters will talk, perhaps remonstrate, boast, etc. There is no right or wrong way here, but whatever suits the situation. Given I haven’t attacked you, you could respond to Talen, then launch an attack or respond and wait for a response back. It's up to you. We don't want to have a back and forth conversation for too long though as it will get boring.

If you do attack you should end your post soon after launching it. Here you want to ensure your opponent has a fair chance to respond. You wouldn't for example, throw a fire ball, talk for a paragraph about how you are going to win and then launch another fire ball. The actions are too long IC time wise. You might chose to shout and insult and attack though, that would fit time wise.

Once the attack is thrown the thread will fall into a sort of rhythm.

RPer1
-Respond to attack
-Attack back

RPer2
-Respond to attack
-Attack back

This will continue with one or both characters scoring a few hits here and there and wearing down the other one. The reason why I wrote 'Respond to attack' and not 'block' is because you might not be able to block. The characters can get hurt, slow down, get tired, etc as the fight continues. Eventually one poster will put up a Death Post where they either die or accept death (sometimes the other character shows mercy).

To Summarise the points
Leave the end of your attack open for the other RPer to respond too
Try not have your character do too in a single post. Keep superfluous actions to a minimum if they seem disjointed or awkward

[Ioder]

A human?! This will be nothing less than child's play. Ioder thought to himself as he watched his opponent enter the battle field. Ioder's plan did in fact pay off to an extent, he had chosen this battle ground to throw off who ever he would be fighting. Seeing his choice of clothing Ioder felt confident that victory would be his, as his opponent would soon freeze to death in this climate especially seeing it is a measly human. Planning ahead Ioder rather than taking his favored form he decided to use one with a bit more meat and mussel to better fight off the cold, though he still looked the same with his long blond locks and blue eyes.

Ioder did notice that his opponent did look rather small to be a contender in this arena, but seeing as he himself normally prefers dawning his child form he really could not say much. After a few stuttered words from the dark haired youth and some sort of magic enveloping him, he was indeed ready for this fight to start. Even inviting Ioder to the first strike which Ioder was happy to oblige to. They were about fifteen feet apart from each other and hearing the words 'Come at me' was a green light in Ioder's book.

Instantly the Seraphim leaned in towards the youth and began a quick sprint across the ice terrain, he didn't have far to go but in any fight speed is a very important factor. Hoping to take advantage to the ice ground Ioder when about four feet from his opponent dropped to the ground and began gliding on the slick ice. Just before the point of impact Ioder over extended his leg out in an attempts to take out the kids feet from underneath him.

"How this for 'Coming at yah'" Ioder said as he believed that this was a sure fire hit.

[Hysteria]

That was good. Just a note, you might want to be careful about how you describe actions from my character. For example:

“After a few stuttered words from the dark haired youth and some sort of magic enveloping him, he was indeed ready for this fight to start.”

It doesn't matter much at all, but Talen's words and actions don't always align. So by repeating what he has said as an action in your text you are inadvertently controlling my character. You can rephrase the sentence so it is explicit that it's your character's point of view.

“After a few stuttered words from the dark haired youth and some sort of magic enveloping him, he appeared ready for the fight to start.”

In my first sentence I might appear to be breaking my own rule by saying that your character has missed my legs. Because it would be impossible for me to respond to your attack without some continuation of what your character has done you can continue their last movement. I wouldn't say that Ioder kept sliding for a few metres, but I do have a tiny bit of leeway to say that he doesn't stop as soon as I respond to the attack. People that are jumping, sliding, etc generally land, stop moving, completed their sword strike, etc. If unsure you can PM the other player and ask what would he do in a certain situation. Often you'll see players note that limited bunnying is allowed, that is what they are refering too.

Talen's acting bratty in this post and not attacking back. You again have the choice to attack or not.

Ioder's kick passed through the air where Talen had been a moment before. The youth had lifted from the ground, moving as if in slow motion in an arch through the air. The cloak billowed around the small dark frame, a dark cloud floating through the artic air. The darkness constricted, wrapping around the youth as he twisted. Now facing Ioder, Talen landed softly, his knees bending like a dancer landing a piroette.

“Brrrrrrrrrrr.... It's so cold! How can you not be freezing?!” Asked Talen, forcing away the stuttering by sheer will power.

The youth acted like nothing had happened, the two changing place without Talen pausing for a moment. Instead he ran his hands up and down his cloak covered arms in an attempt to ward away the cold.

“Were you going to attack me or not?” Asked the youth, letting a small smile slide on his shivering face. He looked slightly unhinged standing there shivering with a flash of white teeth showing.

[Ioder]

Blast, what are you doing!? Ioder thought to himself as he watched the youth seemingly jump over his strike, and with such grace that it was almost art. Just as Ioder came to a sliding stop he immediately rose to his feet facing away from the target. This was no normal human, this was certain to Ioder but as to how strong this kid was is still unclear. Lets see what your made of. Ioder decided that he was going to attempt to close the gap between them again and forcefully keep him there.

"You're quick on you feet, aren't you?" Ioder asked the boy standing in his blind spot, sure that he was in fact much stronger that him. But this did not quell Ioder's determination to test his own strength, this was after all the citadel. Figuring that he would just be resurrected if he was over powered by this boy. "Its really quite insulting that you merely stand there, awaiting me to strike. A mere human, the embodiment of scum standing there like your superior." Ioder's voice grew louder with every word, and with every word that left his lips they carried his buried resentment for the accursed humans of the world.

It started to snow as Ioder faced the boy, slowly at first but with every second it picked up more and more. Now even his dark clothing on the white of the ice behind him was beginning to be hard to see, but none the less still visible. Where did all this snow come from? Ioder thought astonished as he hadn't asked for any snow fall. If I lose track of him, ill never get any where.

Instinctively Ioder started to rush toward the boy, back hunched and arms thrown back he ran in the direction of the dark cloud on the ice. Luckily this snow would also play to his advantage too as he would more easily be lost in the snowy fog that was beginning to form around them.

[Hysteria]

Pardon for the tardiness.

That post was decent, be careful about modifying the environment to give your character an advantage. It is not a big thing, just something to keep in mind. Perhaps another way of doing it would be to make a slight amount of snow fall in this post, and then in the next increase it to become sight obscuring.

Talen squinted as snow started to storm around and between the pair of combatants. The youth's smile remained on his face, an equal mixture of his experience and foolhardy nature. Talen threw out his arms, the dark cloak disintegrating as it exploded outwards. The darkness was converted to energy, a web feeding back to its owner the movement of everything within fifteen metres. The youth was hit with two things, the first was the sudden feedback of hundreds of snowflakes, the second was the cold.

“Ieeeeeeeeee!” Talen howled to the air at the shock of the cold, but remained standing directly in Ioders path.

The youth ran his hands up and down his bare hands, lifting his eyes towards the direction his opponent was coming. The youth's eyes flashed with mischievous delight as two pools of darkness burst forth from the ground just in front of the boy. Twin tentacles, lifting a metre in the air twisted and flounder in the snow storm. Talen didn't move. His face pointed towards Ioder. His breath shallow and patient. The child was nothing if not opportunistic, and as he started to curse the cold again his body didn't carry the same outrage his voice did.

“It's so cold!” Yelled Talen, “How are you not freezing!?”

His eyes were not as energised as his voice. They were as cold as the icy wind that whipped around him. The two shadow appendages less than metre in front of Talen shot into the air, lifting eight metres before whipping down towards Ioder. Each one capable of smashing bone, at the least Talen expected to hear the crack of ice at the impact.

[Ioder]

Out of the snowy haze two dark appendages appear and come smashing down on Ioder, luckily he had noticed just in time to prepare a defense. Within an instant Ioder raised his arms up over his head in an x shape in order to defend against the shadow attacks, with this he also flashed up his cocoon of glimmering light. This was able to withstand the force of the first shadowy appendage, the sound of ice below Ioder's feet cracking under presser. But just as it stopped the second strike came down stronger than the first. Ioder's defenses were not as durable as he wished and like glass the glimmering light shattered and the shadow appendage smashed down on Ioder wile also breaking the ice under him. Ioder went plummeting into the cold water of the arena.

This is not good, im out classed in every way. My attacks are to slow and my defense is lacking. He thought as he drifted back up to the surface. As he broke the stillness of the water he flailed for a second before grabbing onto a sturdy piece of Ice and dragging himself on top. This weather had officially started to get to him, plus the icy water making him feel the cold. " Your no human," Ioder said through chattering teeth at the shadowy boy. "What are you?"

He was reaching his limit so as to draw the battle out and possibly look for openings to strike he started a conversation with his opponent. "Yes I am freezing."

[Hysteria]

Alright, be careful referencing to things like 'luck' too often in your posts. As you played it, it was alright but it does tend to stick out.

You might want to have another proof read of your post again, there were some obvious (I miss non-obviousness ones) mistakes in there. Apart from that really the only thing you need to work on is your preferred writing style. There are no real holes that I've seen in this thread, so good job there.

Talen clicked his tongue as he watched his shadowy appendages do their work. The sound carried through the twisting snow around them though out into the Arctic abyss beyond. The dark youth dropped his hands into his pockets and and walked towards the bedraggled form of Ioder. The youth's gate was easy, his face covered with a mischievous smile. The trappings of faked cold were thrown off, there was just the youth.

“Who am I?” Echoed Talen, “Who am I indeed...”

Talen's eyes drew wistful for a moment as he remembered his past claims of glory and valour.

“I am one that fought the molten core demon, danced with immortals and sand priestesses. I am the child knight, the undying shadow and child of thaynes.”

The snow stopped falling around the pair. A barely visible dark twisting cocoon of has formed around them. Talen's shadows were twisting around them, catching and deflecting the snow. The clear icy air the only thing between the pair. Talen stood a few metres from Ioder, the flailing shadow limbs were only a metre or so behind him. His right arm moved slowly, lifting to a full extension to his side. A puff of darkness and the youth was holding a huge Dehlar Maul, nearly the same height as himself. With little effort he brought it to rest on his shoulder.

“Should I end this?”

[Ioder]

Ioder looked up at the Dehlar Maul that appeared into his opponent's hand and realized that he was not going to survive this fight. Being in the citadel means that even if he dies here he will live on. He had been beaten thus far without every really being hit by the child knight. Threw the cold of the air continues clouds of Ioder's breath escape his mouth as he stands there waiting to be killed.

"What are you waiting for?" Ioder yelled at the top of his lungs at the boy. "End this now before you slip up and you wont have a chance later." He yelled as he reached down and touched his gauntlet. He had been planning to upgrade his arsenal before entering this battle but he hadn't. That would really be helpful right about now. He thought as he awaited his immanent death.

[Hysteria]

“I see...” Uttered the youth.

For all the work the boy had put into the façade, he still let a momentary look of disappointment slide across his face. It was there only a moment, quickly replaced by the pervasive grin that had been there prior. The smile was as much a mask as anything was.

The scene brought back Talen's own demise many years ago to Sei. Like Ioder, Talen had faced a warrior much stronger than himself. Sei was still stronger than Talen, but how often now Talen found his position revered had done little to dull that feeling of helplessness he had felt. Talen didn't show his doubt, or his pity. He told himself that he didn't care, but somewhere he knew pity would only further a loser's guilt.

“The game is mine then. If that is how you want it, then I shall comply. Let no man say that I am not a humble winner!” said Talen

The youth lifted the maul into the air. The crisp air, curtsey of the dark win blowing around the pair hung for a moment with the weapon. Silence, blue eyes and a smile. Talen brought the maul forwards, placing his weight and impressive strength behind the blow as it cut through the air towards Ioder.

Normally you'd respond with your death post (unless you have an ace up your sleeve). For the end post people will either just 'end' and have death as the closer, or sometimes they will do a flash forward and have their character wake up after being healed to close off their character's thoughts and actions.

Either way, I'll have one more post and then request the judgement.

[Ioder]

Ioder was frozen still, kneeling on the ground starring up at Talon as he started to swing his maul. Ioder had only mere seconds before he would be killed by the child knight. He had to think fast, or else this was going to be his first time dying in the citadel. Everybody has a weakness, what is his? Ioder's mind raced with possibilities for him to escape death even if just for a second. As Talon brought down his maul with great force and speed, Ioder could only think of one thing that might give him a slight chance. It was a race against time but Ioder forced his body to completely mimic Talon's, every feature in an instant became identical to the child knight. The two starred at each other for a split second Talon never stopped his maul though, making Ioder's attempt notable but utterly useless. Within an instant Talon brought his maul down upon Ioder's head, then again and again he did. When he finally finished al that was left of Ioder's face was a moist pile of brain with chunks of broken skull in it. A sight truly gruesome and not for the eyes of children.

Everything was black for a moment, but then there was a faint glow that Ioder could see. He raced through the darkness fighting to reach the light. He had never experienced death before, he figured this must be the rebirth that he was to be awaiting. As he reached the light he entered it and immediately woke up in a bed. He was unfamiliar with the room but he did see that the monk from earlier was sitting in a chair at the end of his bed. "Where am I?" Ioder asked groggily.

"Im afraid that you lost, I have revived you." The monk answered. "You will feel tired for a wile. Please sleep here till your well."

Ioder was indeed tired, dying was a lot to take in. "Thank you." He said humbly.

[Hysteria]

The maul cracked into Ioder's face. Talen didn't pause at the attempted trickery. It would have been normal for a momentary pause at the self destroying nature of the action, or at least just been creeped out slightly. Talen felt nothing. It could be rationalised as being due to his own ability to shapeshift, but perhaps hinted at something more alien about the boy.

Talen lifted the maul, flecked with flesh and blood back to his shoulder after the deed was done. Ioder was silent, as was Talen. The boy closed his eyes as the surrounds started to shimmer. Cold snow was replaced with dusty stone, the whipping wind a quiet draft. Monks entered the room and rushed towards Ioder. Talen pushed passed and made his way back to the entrance for another round.

I'll submit this to be judged now. For that last post it would have been a good idea to PM about how Talen would react at striking himself and how many strikes he would have done. Its not a big thing, but it gets close to making decisions for the other player's character.

With that buddy, thread done!

[Kroom]

Thread: The Learning Curve (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27379-The-Learning-Curve-%28Closed%29)
Judgment: Full Rubric
Participants:

Hysteria vs. Ioder

A'ight y'all, let's kick this off.

Plot (14/30 – 14/30)

Story (4/10 – 4/10)

Okay, first off, Story. While this is a Citadel battle and thus you're here to fight for fightin's sake, there could have been much more effort put into this particular plot. Between a cocky seraphim and a 'teenage' shadow elemental, there had to have been something more worth talking about; at the same time, it can be very difficult to generate story between two characters with no shared history. This is the point when the writers have to let their characters' personae interact in order to generate story. Consider that, in the future.

Setting (5/10 – 5/10)

In Setting, Ioder did a competent job of outlining the customized room, you both played with the scenery, decent job to both of you. Kudos to Ioder also for establishing an atypical scenario for the duel. Both of you, however, could have done much more with the environment. Think about the way ice works, the effects which that degree of cold has on the body, and how your character has to respond to all of those factors.

Pacing (5/10 – 5/10)

Same on the Pacing: nothing outstanding, but that also means no glaring errors. You neither dragged horribly nor moved too quickly. In future, remember that long sentences slow the moment, and short sentences conversely quicken it. While avoiding run-ons and fragments, apply this in future. Good pacing can do a lot for an otherwise bland scene.

Character (15/30 – 11/30)

Communication > (5/10 – 4/10)

Communication was weak on both sides. Hysteria, Talen could have focused on a bit more than Ioder's resilience to cold. Ioder did not have quite the same issue, but his dialogue was stilted and generic. Think about how people talk, not how a literary character would talk - after all, characters are supposed to be people too, yes? Think also about how much can be said by silence, by the absence of a response. Just because one character is talking does not mean the other must respond, or must be polite. Much can be said without use of words. Both writers, consider that and apply as much as you feel is wise.

Action > (4/10 – 3/10)

Both writers demonstrated lackluster Action: there was little beyond the combat moves themselves to give any illumination on the characters. Not that hard to do. Treat every motion with significance. That does not mean that every time your character picks their nose, it must remind them of their quest to avenge the family honor. What it does mean is that everything your character does should tell the readers something about your character. Remember Anton Chekhov (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChekhovSGun)'s rule (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChekhovSGun): if you mention it, make it significant. Obviously, this is not a hard rule which you must follow, but try to keep it in mind.

Persona > (6/10 – 4/10)

Persona was a bit stronger for both characters; Talen, your answer to 'Who are you?' was enjoyable. To both writers: try to get more inside your character's head. Show what's going on behind the curtain, which wheels are turning, what they're feeling beyond simple reactions to the elements of the battle.

Prose (17/30 – 14/30)

Mechanics (5/10 – 3/10)

Both writers were weak in Mechanics. As Hysteria pointed out, Ioder had multiple errors of sentence structure, punctuation, spelling, misuse of words, etc., all of which are easily fixed with a proofread or spellcheck. There was also some awkward switching between perspectives in the last paragraph of your first post. If you want to insert 1st Person internal commentary, make sure to denote it as such, and distinguish it from simple 3rd Person narration. Nothing unfixable, but plenty that needs to be fixed. Hysteria was not exempt either: some points of punctuation and sentence structure brought your score down here. Brush up on proper usage of apostrophes and capitalization, too.

Clarity (7/10 – 7/10)

The above being said, it was very easy to keep track of what was going on and neither of you had to carry the other in this, so you both did well in Clarity. Neither writer tried to get too fancy, nobody had to clarify or establish what the other writer was trying to say. Solid work. Preserve that as you grow.

Technique (5/10 – 3/10)

In Technique: Ioder, you can do better than simply putting what's happening on the page. You've got some work to do, but it's not undoable. Hysteria scored higher here thanks to a better sense of personal style. This, however, is simply something that develops with time spent writing, so to both writers: don't be discouraged. Keep writing, keep growing, and keep on refining your style.

Wildcard (5/10 – 5/10)

A good clean fight all around, nothing special, but no powergaming, and a good attitude from both of you. Note, however, that I said 'nothing special.' Neither of you stood out as terribly good or bad, and as the (paraphrased) Biblical saying goes, "How I wish that you were one or the other!" That said, neither of you have any reason to be ashamed. Keep writing, keep reading, keep growing, keep learning. Hysteria also earns some extra coin for tutoring Ioder.

Total (51/100 – 44/100)

Hysteria wins.

Rewards

Hysteria earns 2,750 EXP & 75 GP.

Ioder earns 825 EXP & 30 GP.


Sorry about the delay on this one. Please feel free to message me if you want any further review or if you have further questions. Rewards will be added shortly.

[Alyssa Snow]

EXP & GP Added!