Deadly persistance. (closed to Izvilvin)

[Camella]

(This is the continued tale of Camella's hunt for Izvilvin's bounty, and the sequal to "The Hunt" which you can find here: http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=2112)

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Camella arrived back in Fallien after 2 days of following the horses trail. She was beat. She had no Idea where to search for Izvilvin in the town, assuming, of course, that he was still in town. Looking around, she finally settled her eyes on Jya's Keep. The guards there had helped her to find Izvilvin before, and she figured that they could help her again. But first, she needed some rest.

And so, Camella headed to the inn, where she promptly made herself invisible in order to get a free room. When she got into her 1st floor room, she turned herself visible again and went to sleep. She woke up with a start 2 hours later when one of the maids noticed her in the bed. She thought about killing off the maid, but decided not to. Instead, Camella looked the maid in the eye and said in a threatening tone of voice, "You tell anyone that I was here, and you will die!!!" Camella was quick to head out the window before anyone else noticed her. She never did intend on paying the place anyway. She was saving up her money for better weapons.

After quickly making her way out of the inn, she promptly headed for Jya's keep to ask about Izvilvin's location.

[Izvilvin]

Is was the middle of the night on the Fallien continent, and Izvilvin could hear the scuttling of scorpions outside as the gentle breeze snuck into his window.

The warrior was still in the infirmary, though he felt fully healed and capable as functioning normally. The Keep's healers, Mazoo Lichten among them, had healed his leg in a single night, yet insisted he remain in the ground-level room so that the woman who'd attacked him could not easily find him. Izvilvin didn't fully understand it, for his room was on the second floor and flanked by Laix, Sasarai and Palmer's rooms, however he'd had no room to argue.

His eyes, brighter than usual due to the moon's reflection, glowed lavender as he stared restlessly out his window. Across the river, he could see the wind's effect on the sand. It seemed like the desert had become the sea, with an animate surface that danced in the night.

Izvilvin Kaz'izzrym, since his time in Kachuk's mines, had never experienced difficulty sleeping in a comfortable bed. On this night, however, something was pawing at him, like an irritating animal who wouldn't leave him alone until he gave it some considerable attention. Like Daegun, Witchblade's dragon, though Izvilvin couldn't admit that he ever found the adorable creature to be annoying.

He took a look around the room. There were many white beds, though his was the only occupied one. He knew there were two guards beyond the door, who were to watch over him during the night. It reminded Izvilvin of just how well cared for he was. He was rather pampered in Jya's Keep, but he wasn't fully sure whether or not he enjoyed it. It made his life easy; too easy.

The issue of his new, easy life was irrelevant, however. For now, he couldn't sleep.

He rose, gathered his belt from the foot of the bed, weapons and all, and strapped it around his waist. The Drow didn't bother with a shirt, for though it was cool, the heat that plastered the lands during the day never quite left Fallien for long. For a man so nimble, it was simple for him to climb out of the window and drop the 20 or so feet down to the ground, rolling as he landed.

Izvilvin took a deep sip of the misty air, letting it fill him. He felt revitalized and strong, and almost broke into a run just for the sake of burning some energy. He'd have swam in the river if he wasn't still squeemish of water. It wasn't long ago that he and Rheawien had saved Suravani's Oasis from poison, after all.

It was two hours before his normal patrol time, but it had been two days since he'd done his duties. Figuring that was long enough to be slacking, even if he had a reason for doing so, Izvilvin set out on circling the Keep as he normally did, making his way toward the front gate.

[Camella]

Camella couldn't believe her luck. As soon as she approached the guards, she saw the drow out of the corner of her eye. He appeared to be just circling the keep. It appeared that he no longer had the leg injury that she had given him. This didn't surprise Camella too much, though. After all, healers seemed to be pretty common around these parts. A little too common for her taste, in fact. How could she kill someone with so many healers around? It was then that the Idea hit her. She would kill some of the healers.

Camella headed back to the inn, pretending to lose all interest in Izvilvin. This time, though, she went in fully visible. The inn was almost empty with the exception of the innkeeper, the maids, and a few healers. Camella went straight to work killing off the maids and the few healers that worked there. She then turned to the innkeeper who, she guessed, was one of the few people that she could be almost completely sure knew both her language and Izvilvin's language.

The innkeeper was likely to call for soldiers if Camella let her live, but Camella was willing to risk it.

"Hey!!!! Innkeeper!!!! If you want to live, do me a favor." Camella said threateningly. "Next time you see that drow, Izvilvin, tell him that starting tommorow, I will kill five people for every day that he doesn't come alone and unarmed to the town gates between 2:30 and 2:40 AM. Tell him that this message was courtesy of the female assassin."

Camella was about to leave when she thought of one more thing to say.
"Also, I will kill ten people for every guard sent after me between those times, so be warned."

Camella knew that if she slept in any normal place, she would be found by the guards. Instead, Camella slept in the sewers for the night.

At 2:24 AM, she would wake up, turn invisible, and head for the town gates to wait for Izvilvin to show.

[Izvilvin]

"What do you mean, female assassin?" Demanded Laix, crimson eyes burning a hole into the head of the innkeeper.

The man who ran the lodgings, shaken from the horrible night he'd endured, looked nervously about the gathered forces in the Inn. Laix, the short swordsman whose hair matched his eyes, led a group of ten guards who stood behind him. The stocky old man had rushed upstairs after Camella had delivered her message, finding his maids dead and the much-valued healers professionally done in.

Now it was early morning, and the Keep's guards had finally reached him after his desperate plea at the gate.

"That's what she said! That bastard Drow is the cause for this," he spat, venom on his words. "I hope you're going to do something about this!"

Laix, under normal circumstances, would have felt exasperated. But this was no ordinary assassination attempt, this was a focused attack against his friend. He felt angry, desperate to lash out at anything that could alleviate his rage.

"Yes, we will." he said simply, setting his female guards at ease with a wave of his hand, then turning to leave.

Time passed, and Izvilvin was informed of the situation by the Jya, who was one of few people in the Keep who could easily communicate with him. His heart sank when he realized he'd been the cause of such pain, and naturally he was willing to give in to the assassin's demands. However, the time to meet was far off still, and nobody within the structure wanted him to give up. It was the Jya's duty to protect her people, however.

>><<

The late Fallien night surrounded the Drow. If not for the snowy hair that topped his head, he'd have been impossible to spot in the darkness at the city gate. He'd left his belt and his sai back at the Keep, as demanded, but no matter how much he'd pleaded, Laix and Palmer would not allow him to simply give himself up. They were staitioned nearby, ready to lend a hand if anything went wrong. Thankfully they were well hidden near the riverbank, under the bridge which connected Irrakam to the rest of the desert.

His lavender eyes were moving constantly. He was in the middle of a road with rows of stone houses on either side, closed merchant stands dotting about the grassy ground. She could come from anywhere, he knew, but the land was deathly silent, and though he recalled that she could shift into invisibility, nobody could approach the wiry warrior without making just a slight noise.

[Camella]

Camella smiled. It looked like Izvilvin came alone and without weapons, as asked. It did, however occur to her that if he was able to survive a battle against her with an injured leg, he might be able to battle her without weapons. It also occured to her that he wasn't one to give up so easily, so of course, even though she had an advantage in almost every way, she still was very cautious.

Camella picked a stone about the size of a golf ball up off the ground and tossed it at a nearby tree. The point of this was to make a distraction in order to trick him into looking the wrong way. As soon as she heard the crackle-like sound of the stone hitting the tree branches, Camella leapt into action.

Camella knew that she only had one chance at this, and she wasn't about to waste it. She leapt towards Izvilvin from behind him, (Or in front of him, if the distraction didn't work,) and attempted to stab him in both shoulderblades at once in order to render his arms limp. She then planned on dragging him to Raiaera to claim the bounty on his head, but only if she was sure that he couldn't fight back.

She didn't want to kill him just yet, though. He would most likely be worth more alive. Besides, if worse came to worse, she could always kill him once she got to Raiaera.

[Izvilvin]

A breeze passed around him as a sound from his left called Izvilvin's attention. He looked in that direction, searching for the source, but it was the light smack of feet against grass behind him that made him aware of his attacker's presence. The Drow spun quickly to lay eyes on Camella, who he hadn't seen in three days, when she'd first attacked him along the riverbank in Suravani's Oasis. Seeing her brought anger out in Izvilvin, who struggled to keep it in check.

Her hopes of dragging him back to Raiaera were premature. The woman was pulling her daggers down to strike simultaneously at his shoulders, but Izvilvin saw the strike clearly even in the darkness. His hands rushed up to grasp her wrists, stopping both blades. He then jumped up, thrusting both feet forward as hard as he could in an attempt to snap her head back.

The Drow landed hard on the ground, having released Camella's wrists when he was at the peak of his jump, but rolled backward immediately to get to his feet in quickest manner possible. She was still ahead of him.

Then he began the first steps of the plan that the Jya had relayed to him. It was a simple idea that would hopefully result in the capture of the assassin, who would suffer the penalty of murder under Fallien law. As a soldier of the Keep, Izvilvin could not deal with the situation as he wished, but had to follow the orders of his mistress. He stepped simply backward, toward the city gate.

"Don't you think it was especially dangerous to put him out there without a weapon?" Asked Palmer, careful to keep his voice low as he spoke with his good friend and ally, Laix.

The crimson warrior nodded, yet did not speak. All they could do was hold faith in Izvilvin as they watched him work from beneath the bridge.

His goal, his duty, was to bring the fight just beyond the city gate, where the Jya's forces would surround the would-be assassin and imprison her. Izvilvin had no intention of failing them.

[Camella]

Camella was surprised when the drow had grabbed her and almost didn't see his counter-attack coming. She quickly moved her head out of the way before he could hit her. No matter what, she refused to get hit by such a cheap shot. after such an attack, though, Camella got confused as Izvilvin started to back off. Camella became visible again and stared straight at the drow. She knew that something was up, but no matter what, she would not stop until she had the money from Izvilvin's bounty. She suspected a trap, but she played along with it for the moment.

"So, tell me, Mister Izvilvin," Camella said, knowing full well that he could not understand her. "What are you planning?"

After these words, Camella started to attack Izvilvin again, this time alternating between high and low slashes. All the while keeping an eye out for anything suspicious.

[Izvilvin]

"She knows," muttered Palmer.

"We need to wait and see if she'll follow him," responded Laix as his friend and their troops looked to him. "We can't just act on what she says. Just stay calm and remain patient."

Though he spoke from an authoritative perspective, Laix looked on with a stone face, knowing Izvilvin was at a severe disadvantage without his weapons. All they could do was rely on the Drow's skill and determination, for in such a section of the city, they couldn't hope to fan out and surround the assassin. They needed to wait until the two fighters reached the bridge.

Meanwhile, Izvilvin could not respond to Camella, nor understand her whatsoever. He could only look at her with crooked eyes as she rushed forward, blades flashing brightly in the moonlight. Rather than stay close to deal with the threat, the Drow rushed backward as fast as his nimble feet would take him, dodging when necessary. He did a rather remarkable job of it, too.

When he had room, the warrior spun and bolted for the bridge. He rushed to its center and turned to face his attacker, realizing full well that he looked rather obvious doing so. The bridge itself was wide enough to hold a dozen men standing side-by-side, made of grey stone and extending at least fifty feet. A perfect spot to ambush an assassin atop the crystal waters a few meters below.

[Camella]

Camella's suspicions were nearly confirmed when she saw the drow run towards the bridge. Realizing that the bridge was most likely the trap, Camella stopped just a few feet short of the bridge. All she had to do was stall for a little time so that she could turn invisible again. She also could avoid the trap altogether, but she thought that option too easy. Besides, she had to figure out what kind of trap it was in the first place. Camella picked up a few pebbles and threw them one after at the bridge. This move had two reasons behind it.

1:If the bridge had proximity mines on it, The pebbles would probably set them off.

2: If there were people hiding nearby, they might mistake the sound for footsteps.

Either way, she planned on attempting to disarm the trap.

Even if she didn't disarm the trap, she planned on going across the bridge. After all, by then she would be able to turn invisible again. Her situation was not to be taken lightly. She was already wanted in this town as much as Izvilvin was wanted in Raiaera. In fact, she was surprised that noone had come after her yet.

After throwing the last pebble, she spoke up again. "Turn yourself in now, Izvilvin, or I WILL kill you and all the town's healers. Even If it means killing you in your sleep!!!!" Camella knew that Izvilvin did not understand her, but she hoped that there was someone awake at the time who would relay the message to him.

"Remember this," Camella added after a short time. "The life of every citizen in fallien lies on your shoulders!!!"

[Izvilvin]

Izvilvin couldn't understand why Camella was throwing pebbles toward his feet, nor why she did not pursue him to the center of the bridge, where soldiers would have climbed up to each end and trapped her. Laix, Palmer and the soldiers didn't fall for her trick, thankfully.

She spoke yet again, and the Drow was once again unable to understand what she was saying. He saw hate in her eyes. He returned the emotion with a blank expression, still not understanding why he was being targeted. His unarmed battle against the determined woman was going well thus far, but Izvilvin still wished he had a weapon or two to make himself feel secure.

Whatever the circumstances, they had come to a standstill. Camella was at the mouth of the city, before the bridge, and Izvilvin was midway across the construct. Neither seemed willing to budge, until the Drow sent a condescending chuckle her way and turned to continue crossing. It was not an expression he would normally use, as he was not a man who mocked people, but he hoped the sentiment would motivate her to give chase.

He eventually reached the end of the bridge, showing no intention of stopping as he moved toward the town's exit gate.

[Camella]

Camella was finally satisfied that the bridge would not explode on her. She was still wary of the possibility of a trap, though. As she began to walk across the bridge, her fears were confirmed. Soldiers popped up from everywhere in an attempt to capture / kill her. Camella made a quick headcount. 19, there were 19 guards after her.

"This will be fun." Camella said as she waited for the guards to get closer. "You just brought 190 deaths to your town, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, you will wake up and find 190 people dead, THAT is how you will know I have returned."

At this point the guards were drawing extremely close. It was time for her to make her getaway. Camella turned invisible and pushed one of the guards to the ground, she then jumped over the guard and continued down the path. Camella took a left, then a right, then opened up a manhole cover as if to go in the sewer, but then continued running. The point was to throw the soldiers off her trail. Camella planned on returning in a year or so, once everything had quieted down in order to keep her promise and kill the 190 citizens of fallien. In the meantime, she would prepare for that day.

[Izvilvin]

"Now," signalled Laix, and the soldiers of the Keep, most female, poured out from their hiding places under the bridge. Some went to Izvilvin's side, some sweeping in behind Camella, surrounding her effectively.

"Sweep around to keep her from jumping," directed Palmer.

Before the soldiers could do so, Camella declared that the death of 109 Fallien people would fall upon them. The soldiers closed in as a response, but she was invisible before they could catch her. Confusion took them, and one of the female soldiers shrieked as an invisible force took her to the ground.

"Follow her!" Yelled Laix, who only began to give chase after Izvilvin bolted past him, moving faster than the armored human could. The Drow could faintly hear the footsteps of the woman as she ran, and he spotted the manhole cover being removed.

He stopped to descend, but didn't. He could hear her footsteps again, and that were further away, not down the sewer at all. Izvilvin looked back, but didn't see the soldiers and his friends. They'd been left too far behind, possibly around a corner or two.

He got up and gave chase again, following the footsteps until he came to the edge of town, where following became impossible. The desert would swallow him if he were to head out so early in the morning, and he knew it.

So he simply gazed out across the sands, eyes dancing about to look for Camella's shift back into visibility. He didn't end up seeing her. Laix and Palmer came to him in time. They both figured Izvilvin had the proper trail, but the sewers were still being investigated.

The warrior Drow still didn't understand why he was being attacked. He hadn't wronged anybody, after all. The idea that Step was trying to off him was fresh in his mind, but he didn't want to face it. All he could do was wait, and carry out his normal duties, until someone got an idea as to where the assassin had fled to.

[Storm Veritas]

Pretty good read, I was entertained and happy with a tight, short story. Unfortunately, there were some major editing issues, and the pacing needs work, but the groundwork is clearly there for terrific growth. Just try to set things up a little bit more, give the reader some suspense. Make them WANT to see what happens next, and make them wait a little to get there.

Story (11/30)


Continuity - 6/10 – The story was consistent and flowed well. I was very pleased with this. Both of you are competent storytellers that can string together quite a good piece of reading.

Setting - 3/10 – With the trap employed, there were some elements of setting used here. Easily enough to read talent in both writers. Izvilvin was obviously a little more involved here. Camella, try to use setting a little bit more, it really sets up your pacing.

[u]Pacing - 3/10 – The quest length isn’t too short, but the pace is MUCH too fast for the quest. It seemed like you raced through major issues (killing a series of people, how your history between characters has formed, etc.). This could easily have been twice as long and not read as “too long” because the pace was just fervent. While making things move quickly is good, you don’t want to scoot past important opportunities to develop your story.

Character (15/30)


Dialogue - 5/10 – Good! Minimalist, could be enhanced a bit, but certainly adequate. I wouldn’t expect a lot of exchange in an encounter like this. Formatting dialogue is also touchy, but I personally prefer Izvilvin’s style of dialogue format: breaking it away from the text allows for an easier understanding of tone and order.

Action - 6/10 – Certainly no shortage! Camella’s flair for action can make him/her into a tremendous writer, it’s just the expanding upon the action itself that is necessary to allow the reader some time to drink in the actual details of what’s going down.

Persona - 4/10 – Good, but again pace bites you in the ass again. You were both moving well to develop a panache for your characters, but didn’t really have the time needed to bring out the character’s style.

Writing Style (11 / 30)


Technique - 4/10 – I’ve already addressed some of the major things that I had issues with, but you both show signs of writing very well, and a lot of promise.

Mechanics - 4/10 – Edit, edit, edit. A lot of people move away from rereading their work before hitting “Submit”, but there were a number of typos and fat-finger points here that could easily be caught with a bit more scrutiny. Don’t be too broken down, it wasn’t too bad.

Clarity - 3/10 – To completely beat a dead horse, you rushed over descriptions of your characters’ relationships, abilities, motivations and actions. By slowing down and dragging out your actions a bit more deliberately –and I mean a bit more, you don’t need a manifesto- you can vastly improve the entire read. It isn’t very hard to fix, but unfortunately cost two writers a lot of points.

Misc (5/10)

Wild Card - 5/10 – For creativity, writing passion, and the promise shown in this short, enjoyable quest. Good work.


TOTAL SCORE – 42

Izvilvin gets 1028 EXP and 100 Gold
Camella gets 350 EXP and 100 Gold