Workshop: The Witching Hour

[Lye]

Name of Completed Thread: The Witching Hour (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25563-The-Witching-Hour-%28Closed%29&highlight=witching+hour)
Name of Authors: Tantalus (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?13978-Tantalus), Witchblade (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?416-Witchblade)
Type of Thread: Quest
Date Closed: 7/1/2014
Number of Posts: 20 Posts

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive rewards (see Workshop Guide (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27540-Writer-s-Workshop-Guide)), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric (http://www.althanas.com/world/faq.php?faq=exp#faq_rubric) as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Flames of Hyperion]

* Disclaimer: This is informal, subjective advice from somebody who's not very accomplished at handing out such. Treat accordingly. Without further ado!

Story:

Duffy's opening post made it clear that this was a sequel, but both of you provided more than enough material in your introductions to indulge my laziness in not going back and reading the previous thread. Witchy placed the battle a bit better in her own character's storyline, with references to other Althanian greats from her past, but Duffy did equally well in using Ruby and her experiences to contrast Duffy's. Kudos to both of you.

I enjoyed the fact that I went in expecting a battle, which was heightened by Witchy's simmering anger, only for Duffy and Ruby to talk their way out of the situation (something that happens unfortunately rarely on Althanas...). Then the spell song went wrong, itself an event too rare (good to see you exploring the consequences of this!). What stood out most for me about the alternate plane Junkyo was how you tied it into established Althanas canon. Both of you also described planeswalking in a way that made sure that I would never want to do it myself!

I felt that the story could have done with perhaps one more post from Duffy to close it out. I was also disappointed at how quickly you resolved the dragon threat - not at the resolution itself, which fit perfectly in the thread, but how it simply accepted Witchy's explanation for all three of them. One last post with Duffy and Ruby getting chased from Dheathain by the guard would have been the icing on the cake.


Background:

Beautifully painted scenery in first posts from both of you. Witchy in particular, I like the way you built on Duffy's opening post with touches like the lamplighters. My suggestion to both of you, perhaps, would be to use more of the senses to paint the scene: smell and sound in particular felt underused, as well as taste and touch (albeit these are difficult ones).

Also, the scenery dropped off noticeably in later posts. There was little mention of it during the conversation, not even the wind ruffling their hairs. Neither did you paint Junkyo or Luthmor as vividly as you did Radasanth, and again failed to interact with it much. As a reader, I felt lost without a sufficient number of cues for my imagination, which unfortunately meant that all the action that followed happened on a relatively empty canvas. As noted above, though, I did enjoy the way you wove your story in and around the Althanas regions and canon, as only to be expected from the pair of you ^^.


Characters:

What can I say, other than thoroughly enjoyable? Duffy's thespian tendencies, Ruby's rapier wit and matriarchal protectiveness, Witchblade's brooding fury and bloodlust when she released it; the uniqueness of each individual came through very clearly throughout the story. Standout lines in the first posts alone included comparing Ruby to a maddening disease and Witchy's 'too bad fire didn't work on her'. The poetic descriptions unfortunately died out afterwards, but never once did you stray from form. Perhaps the one thing I might note would be the lack of character growth in the thread, although one could suppose that Witchy *not* tearing limbs from Duffy and Ruby might possibly count as development...

The one thing I did find disappointing was Duffy and Ruby resorting to mundane Earth obscenities ('shit', 'fuck', etc.) when the situation called for it. As Althanas's pre-eminent thespians and bards, I would have hoped they could have come up with one or two original epithets when warranted.


Technique:

Duffy, post 1 - minor errors that another careful round of read-out-loud editing would have prevented: 'apocathery' -> 'apothecary', 'once read headed matriarch'; stylistic fragments ('His lips parched with fatigue.', 'Its victims left gibbering after a long, furious fight with a certain demise.'); extra commas ('setting their hair adrift, and their clothes dancing with life').

Witchy, post 1 - again, minor errors: 'Maddison' -> 'Madison'; stylistic fragments ('Their stilts protruding deep into the molten liquid the ocean had become.'); misused semicolons ('But as the day turned to night, this setting did not have the one thing she wanted; the ship she’d booked passage on.', 'She found her prey in the very spot she’d left him; The Citadel.'). I would possibly try to word things a bit more actively ('the sunset always had a certain calming effect upon her' -> 'the sunset had always calmed her'), and watch the tenses ('the one carrying her from Radasanth to Talmhaide' -> 'the one to carry her from Radasanth to Talmhaide'; 'Piss off, sure.' -> 'Pissed off, sure.') so as to keep the pacing of the introduction snappy and tight.

I realise I'm picking nits, but when your writing is as good as this, every little (dare I say silly?) mistake stands out all the more ><. Minor errors like this throughout the thread made me pause every now and again, which was truly a shame.

In moments of tension, Duffy, perhaps try to break sentences down a bit further to keep things reading with pace (like I'm one to talk, but hey). For example: 'Witchblade's malefic aura intensified, and the bard and spell singer started to feel her presence writhe and lash in their silver tinted minds.' can very easily be split into two sentences ('Witchblade's malefic aura intensified. Her presence writhed and lashed in the silver-tinted minds of bard and spell singer alike.'), and by deleting the 'started to feel' and changing the active verbs to 'writhe and lash' you could strengthen the sentence considerably.


* In closing: A well-woven thread worthy of one of Duffy Bracken's last appearances on Althanas. A little more effort could have turned the good into the sublime, but a quick and fun read nonetheless.

[Lye]

Flames, considering the helpfulness of the above, your feedback will net you a 1,100 EXP and 200 GP. That'd be double the gold for your depth and advice.

I'll add this when the feedback closes.

Speaking of, anyone is welcome to read this thread and provide feedback for a modest reward.

[Lye]

Six more days before this closes out. This is your last chance for quick EXP & GP for submitting a review.

All you have to do is read and comment!

This workshop closes at 11:59pm on July 1st.

[Alyssa Snow]

This thread is closed, EXP will be awarded shortly.

[Alyssa Snow]

Since Flames was the ONLY one to contribute and his feedback was exceptionally in-depth, his EXP has also been doubled. For his review, Flames received:

2,200 EXP
200 GP

EXP & GP Added!

Thank you for your contribution Flames.