Dim Out the Lights, Power the Darkness.

[The Muri]

Closed to Asmodeus

Yes, I was going into another Citadel fight! Why shouldn't I? Besides, the best way to feel alive is the be inches close to death and to barely hanging onto the light with the jaws of death wide open and splotched with blood... Ew, blood. That sounds so gross. My name is Kaida... with no last name... Yes, I have no last name. It's really weird, I just go by the name 'Kaida'. Oh, and I also have an alias: 'The Jet'.

Well, back to the story now... I kept my eyes closed as I felt the world change around me. As if the waves of time and the shifts of light were colliding and creating a rainbow of darkness. Oh, and while that doesn't make any sense... the feeling I felt then didn't make any sense! I had no idea what I was feeling... but then I opened my eyes.

I was standing on sand. Bright, yellow sand which reached out as far as the eye could see. Beyond the dunes of sand were several humongous rocks and... was that coral sticking high above the ground?? It looked like coral... Anyways... I then looked up to where the sky should have been, but in its place was water. Yes, water. There was an entire sea where the sky should be, stretching across infinity. And yet, I was on dry land; not a single droplet of water fell onto me.

I sighed, it felt so peaceful. And the light reflections of the water across the sand I was standing on made me fell like I was captivated inside some kind of trance. I just stood there. The temperature was perfect, not too hot nor cold. This was extremely weird, but I liked it.

Now, I closed my eyes again and drew in a quick breath. It smelled of nothing at all, but it felt like I had some ice up to my nose. Like, I was breathing in the feelings of fresh water. This was so confusing, but once again... I liked it.

I had to remind myself multiple times why I was actually here. Not to enjoy the scenery, not to take a vacation... but to fight. I heard that the arenas created in the Citadel were based upon the mind... but how was this within my head? Did I really have this large of an imagination? Whatever caused this place, I just hoped it would not distract me from my opponent.

[Asmodeus]

It had been too long since Tenebrous had killed. He missed the warm splash of blood on his hands. The feel of metal piercing flesh. The symphony of snapping bone and dripping bile and dying screams. But above all, he missed the strength murder brought with it. The simple purity of holding another’s continued existence in your hands and then clenching your fist. There was no greater virtue than power and no purer way to express it than taking another’s life.

However, Tenebrous understood that he couldn’t simply walk around murdering left and right. That would be unwise. It would be hard to put his plots into motion behind the bars of a cell. Killing was a passion he had to exercise with extreme discretion.

It was only natural that the idea of the Citadel appealed to Tenebrous. Killing without consequence seemed almost too good to be true. Granted, the fact that the combatants healed after the match was a little disappointing. Murder without death seemed almost like cake without icing. But, he was passing through Corone on other business and couldn’t pass up the chance for a little bloodshed.

As a rule of thumb, Tenebrous loathed clergy. But the monks of the order of Ai'Brone who ran the arena didn’t seem half bad. They informed him he would be matched with an equal. Someone from another realm. Someone who had also lost everything dear to them. Tenebrous had blinked his amber eyes in surprise. He was fairly sure that he appeared as an ordinary teifling to a casual observer. In fact, he went to great lengths to maintain his persona. But before he could ask the monks how they had seen through his mortal shell, he blinked and found himself somewhere completely different.

The cool water around him made his skin crawl, and he shifted uneasily on the sand beneath him. He licked his lips, and they tasted faintly of brine. It took him a few moments to figure out that he was underwater. It was peaceful. Too peaceful. Tenebrous hated it. When he’d imagined fighting in an arena, this wasn’t the picture his mind had painted. His disappointment grew when he saw his opponent, standing a few yards away.

She was a mere girl. Couldn’t have been more than eighteen summers old. Even though her garb and weapons were strange, he had difficulty believing that she was the equal the monks spoke of. He had expected to face a fallen angel, or a chained elder god. But Tenebrous looked a second time and noticed the way his opponent carried herself, the aura about her. She was, or had been, someone important. Someone powerful. He had a suspicion that there was more to her and the arena they fought in than met the eye.

The bastard sword scraped free of it’s sheathe as Tenebrous shifted into a fighting stance. It was old and battered, but lovingly honed to a razor edge. He couldn’t wait to use it.

“Pardon me miss,” Tenebrous called. He raised his sword in a mock fencer’s salute and began to advance. Tenebrous was nothing if not a gentleman.

[The Muri]

I looked across from me to see who looked like any regular Tielfing. This was a species I was new to, given I still barely knew of this Althanas - as if I knew any other place better though! He called 'hello' to me before drawing his sword, taking a stance, and coming up to me. I somehow felt it wave through me, all I did was smile cheekily and call back "Hello!"

Afterwards, still with a smile on my face, I swerved aside. I pulled out my jagged throwing knife even while my body moved in a swift, single, dodge. After stepping aside, I aimed to where he was and threw the knife at him. Before close combat I liked to try out attacks from afar to see how good they were. This man seemed like a nice guy despite the bad things I heard about his species. But of course, looks were deceiving. I would still be careful around him - if my mouth didn't get in the way.

After I threw the knife, I stopped with a smile of my face. Whether it hit him ir not, it didn't process before I spoke to him, "A little hasty, are we?" I chuckled, "Well, I can be the same way. I'm Kaida!" Now, I guess, I knew what it was like for the others who didn't get any introductions before fighting. But whatever, I too was actually eager to fight. Why else would I be here anyhow? As long as he played it fair this would be a good fight.

Yes, everything appeared as if it was underwater, however it felt perfectly like dry land. My eyes only briefly flashed to the "sky" above before looking back to my opponent. I blinked again, my purple eyes observing him perfectly. The scenery was peaceful, but I guess me and this guy would have to make up the violence ourselves.

[Asmodeus]

One moment the young woman was returning his greeting, and the next she was hurling a knife. Tenebrous barely managed to sidestep in time. As it was, the blade left a long, shallow cut on his shoulder as it flew by. The saltwater kissed it, and the wound stung and burned. He had to admit, he was impressed with how quickly his opponent shifted from casual chatter to casual violence. He took a step back, reconsidering his options.

“Charmed, Kaida,” Tenebrous replied. “I’m Tenebrous Eldanoth, a humble student of the arcane arts.” He’d determined that the underwater arena was severely limiting his arsenal of combat techniques. Normally, he would have hurled a blast of hellfire at the girl and driven a blade into her charred remains to finish the job. But, even the flames of the Pit had difficulty burning in the middle of the ocean.

Tenebrous decided he was going to have to rely on more conventional means against his mysterious opponent. Namely, he would have to make use of his inhuman strength. It didn't matter whether he killed her with sorcery or steel; dead was dead. Tenebrous advanced again, more cautiously this time. He flicked his bastard sword high and low in a quick series of light slashes. He wasn't aiming to kill at this point, just get a measure of the girl’s defenses. He’d made the mistake of underestimating her once, and he had no intention of doing so again.

[The Muri]

I blinked excitedly at his advance. He was a good swordsman, that was a fact - but I was faster! I pulled out my large blade Calcator with both hands when he started to attack. My blade was small in length, but was very wide. I kept it up like a shield for several moments, letting his blade clash against the steel weapon I had upgraded just recently. I smiled as I let the weapon fall closer against my body, the man swung hard enough to push me back a bit. Sand flew up as my feet skidded against the ground, I maintained my balance. I bit my lip, he was as strong as me!

I pulled my sword back into a defensive position, this time it was a bit to the side of me, but was still in a defensive lock. Now I knew what he was made of, I smirked. "I like you already!" I called to him in my own cheery voice, "You're a nice challenge. So let's go!" He was a bit slower than me, but this Tenebrous would still be putting up a good fight. I let my sword fall to the ground, more sand coming up in the process, and pulled out two throwing knives in the same hand. My agile fingers gripped them well and I threw them both. My fingers had them held in a way to where they would to different areas of his body. Still feeling a fresh smile upon my face, I zipped my now free hand back onto my sword. I would not let my defenses down for a second!

[Asmodeus]

It had become apparent to Tenebrous that his foe was no ordinary mortal. Her strength matched his own, and her speed surpassed his. Iron echoed on iron as the swords clashed. The water that surrounded them stretched and warped the sound, twisting it into a low, metallic moan.

For a half a moment, Tenebrous saw Kaida’s hand drop from her sword. He thought he’d managed to nick her arm, but didn’t see a splash telltale crimson. A look of confusion clouded his visage for a split second. Until he saw the knives hurling towards him.

Tenebrous barked a word in the infernal tongue, invoking the dark power burning in his blood. Infernal wasn’t a pretty language. The syllables fell heavy and raw and bloody, strung together with cartilage and spite. A barrier of red hot iron tore itself from the ground and intercepted the knives midflight. The glowing metal hissed and steamed in the water that surrounded it. The shield held for a moment and then melted back into the earth. Tenebrous didn’t waste a moment. He redoubled his assault, dropping all pretenses of caution for an all out attack.

[The Muri]

I gasped as molten lava burned up from the ground and completely threw the attack off. It infuriated me! How dare he do that? How dare he play against the rules? How dare he - how dare he attack!?!

I felt adrenaline shoot through my body like a wave in water as the Tielfing raced towards me with sudden rage, his sword raised to attack. He was already so close to me by the time I could actually register it, everything had moved in a jagged, jumpy motion for a second. I blinked myself back to reality from my scare at the last moment and swerved aside.

... Alas, my dimwittedness in battle came with a price...

*Drip, drip, drip*...

Blood. My stomach was badly cut, a huge slash right across the area of my bellybutton. Red oozed out, the gash stung like it was hit with pepper spray. I briefly, but loudly screamed in the pain. The cry was followed by several intense hisses. No matter how many times I experienced it, it seemed that I would never be able to get hold of myself within the pain of wounds. My leather suit was tight enough, the slice didn't cause it to rip beyond where the wound itself was... but it only made it feel worse.

I didn't want to look like a weakling, I didn't want to bow down to any opponent... And yet, I staggered. I felt myself begin to crumble, I staggered back, my knees shaking in the pain. Somehow, just somehow, I was saved from being hit in a vital spot. Yet, the pain would be a major setback. I growled, looking up at the man in front of me. I swore, in that moment, that he would be going down.

I swore it...

I pulled out another knife and tossed it at him, my own rage fueling me to toss it as hard as I could right at his chest. I then side stepped, and let myself fall against the nearest chunk of coral. I took heavy breathes, trying to get the better of myself. This was abattle! I had to fight! Would I find the strength to? Who knew? Within that moment, I counted how many knives I had left inside the pocket.

Two, this does not look good... I growled again and looked up to the battlefield in front of me; the endless sands, the waters above me. I glanced around for my enemy as I reached to one of my gun holsters and the weapon inside it, I'll just have to use this baby...

[Asmodeus]

For a moment, the sea around Kaida was stained crimson. The blood lightened as it mixed with the brine until only a faint whisper of red clouded the water. Tenebrous caught a taste of it as he breathed in, and a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. This was what he had come to the citadel for.

But he wanted to make the moment last. Ordinarily he couldn’t take his time and savor a kill. There were possible witnesses, and a mess to clean up, and a body to hide. As his opponent staggered to the ground, he ran a claw-tipped finger over the edge of his blade. He was determined to take his time. To enjoy the moment. One shouldn’t rush through life. The secret of fulfillment was to stop and smell the roses. Or corpses, as the case may be. He began to stroll towards the girl, sword held casually at his side.

And that was when the knife hit him.

He staggered as the blade sank in. It took a moment for him to process the fact that eight inches of steel was lodged somewhere between his shoulder and chest. His sword fell limply from his hand and kicked up a cloud of sand. Tenebrous spat a curse in infernal. He realized that Kaida probably didn’t speak his native tongue, so she probably couldn’t appreciate the profanity he so artfully wove. Still, he supposed. It was the thought that counted.

Tenebrous was only delaying the inevitable and he knew it. He wrapped a hand around the knife in his shoulder and gave it a long, sharp tug. An alarming quantity of blood leaked into the water around the wound and floated in lazy ribbons. It stung and ached and burnt like hellfire. But the pain wasn’t the worst part. He was left-handed, and the sword would be far too heavy to wield with his damaged arm. His opponent had thrown like a trained killer from the Order of the Crimson Hand. The girl had picked a great place to injure. Still, he wasn’t out yet. He stepped over the bastard sword and dropped into a crouch as he drew the knife from his belt. It was long, elegantly curved, and honed to a razor edge. And he had every intention of using it to finish the girl. If he didn’t bleed to death first. The weapon lacked his sword’s reach, though. He was going to have to get in close. Still, the throbbing hole in his shoulder served as an effective reminder of an all-out assault’s price. He advanced slowly, carefully. Like a vulture circling a carcass.

[The Muri]

I watched as he walked cautiously towards me, he too was bleeding in the risks of death. These scenes at all, recently, were nothing but gore. I blinked as I pulled out my prized weapon from a holster.

It was a handheld, yew, painted black, crossbow that was repeatable but had to be 'cranked' before being shot. An awesome toy and a great weapon. Meanwhile, I had dropped Calcator a whiles back, with the way he was coming up to me, I knew I just couldn't lift my sword to block. The wound on my stomach still hurt, it hurt like a killer bee's sting. However, I was still (barely) focused enough to dodge his angry attack. And it was there - just there - that I caught a glimpse of something terrifying.

A monster.

This man, up until now, actually seemed like a gentleman. But the moment he swung his blade, his face changed. It was the face of a criminal, the face of a terrorizing fiend who would like nothing more than to stab me. I felt my eyes widen, I myself dodged enough but was falling to the ground.

I landed with a thud, some yellow specks of sand flying up and into the water. I saw more bits of red mixing with the vast, clean water around us. I didn't know who's blood it was, but it shook me. I didn't want to die here! I was in the presence of a fighter, I could not show him any weaknesses in me. Especially if he was one of those people... I knew that I had to finish him, and I had to finish him good.

I blinked for a moment, then picked up my small bow. I clenched my stomach with one hand, hardly able to handle the pain, as I stood up. I saw my hair in my face, my blond hair tracked along with the messy hair dyes and colors I had used in the past for them somewhere. I growled and stood. With my free arm, I wiped the hair out of my face then pointed my missile weapon at him, "You are one of those people who like to kill, correct?"

[Asmodeus]

Tenebrous came to a sudden halt as he noticed the crossbow leveled at his forehead. He considered the probability of dodging the shot and discarded it. Kaida would have to be blind to miss at this range. Magic wasn’t an option either. He knew that if he began to speak an incantation, the quarrel would end his life before he finished the spell. But she hadn’t fired yet, so there was still a chance of finishing the fight in his favor.

“You are one of those people who likes to kill, correct?” Kaida asked him. The question puzzled Tenebrous. Of course he did. Who didn’t?

“Yes,” he replied. “You could say that. Don’t tell me you don’t,” he rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen the way you fight. You love every minute of it. Why else would you be in this place? You certainly aren’t defending the weak or punishing the guilty. If I’m not mistaken, you’re shedding blood purely for the sake of shedding blood.”

“You could call me a beast, a monster” Tenebrous said with a sad smile. “And you’d be right. But you forget one thing. You. Are. Too.” Tenebrous put emphasis on each syllable, driving the words in like rusty nails. “We’re the same, deep down. The monks told me I’d be fighting a kindred spirit. Perhaps this is what they meant.”

“The only difference between the two of us,” Tenebrous finished, “is that I’m honest with myself. Now,” he said. “There are two ways that this fight can end. You can pull that trigger, put a bolt between my eyes, and prove me right. Or, you can hesitate, and die. The choice is yours,” he said, amber eyes flashing.

[The Muri]

This guy knew how to offend...

"Excuse me?!" I felt my anger rising on the insult. Me? Randomly killing people on the street? Heck no! I wasn't a murderer, a monster! I enjoyed combat, but I didn't enjoy the killing part. The Citadel was a place to to enjoy the action and thrills of combat without death. If one did die, they would simply be resurrected, no problem! However, this jerk decided to rule out that inside and outside the Citadel, it didn't matter, fighting even in a fist fight was sin. I couldn't understand this. Just then though, I suddenly felt my wound "throb" as an extra spurt of salt water ran over my wounds. I hissed at it, even slightly closing my eyes at the damage. Staying in battle like this wouldn't be a great idea, one of us would have to either back or 'die'.

... But would I be able to kill this man now?

Yes, he was a jerk. Yes, he got on my nerves. Yes, he injured me. Yes, he insulted me. And yes, he was the horrific kind. However, now his words were forcing themselves into my mind. Yes, this was the Citadel. Yes, this wasn't to be taken seriously. Yes, this fighting wasn't a sin in my mind... So why was I hesitating. Here was the chance right in front of me. My finger was on the trigger, the crossbow was fully loaded, and there was no way he could dodge if I pushed the trigger. And yet, his words halted me from finishing this fight right now. Why? I wasn't going to kill him for good, he would be brought back. So why was I suddenly feeling this way?

The watery worlds around me was blurred, my thoughts swarming in my head like a school of fish. I growled and put my other hand on my weapon as well. I was tired of this. "I don't..." I felt myself shaking. Why? Why was I suddenly turning out this way? "I don't..."

"... I'm not like that!" I suddenly felt my anger rise again. I was confusing myself over and over again. Was I feeling something like regret. "I don't g-go around ki-i-illi-n-ing like that!" It was all I could say, although I wanted to say a million things more. I wanted to defend myself. But once again I fell silent, my finger shaking on the trigger. Why? ...

[Asmodeus]

“Not like that?” Tenebrous asked in mock surprise. “Really? If that's the case, why don't you carry a wooden sword? No. I'll tell you why. That,” he said, gesturing to the odd black and blue short sword, “is not a tool to create or repair. It is not a toy to play with. It is not a shield to defend. It is an instrument of death. Just like your crossbow. Just like my knife. Just like me. Just like you.”

“You have nothing to be ashamed of,” Tenebrous said gently. He took a step closer, and he clenched his teeth as his wounds throbbed and burnt. “The urge fight, to kill, to impose your will on another is older than mankind itself. The strong survive and the weak die. Look at nature. The wolf devours the rabbit. The adder swallows the mouse. Today,” he said with the finality of the grave, “one of us is the adder and one of us is the mouse.”

“The choice is yours, milady,” Tenebrous said, “but I would recommend you choose quickly.” He bowed at the waist, an old world gesture dripping with sarcasm, and then lunged desperately with his dagger. If the girl was strong, she'd put a bolt in his chest and he'd drop dead before the blow could fall. If she was weak, she wouldn't live to regret it.

[The Muri]

The words soaked my brain like a sponge. His speech breaking into any thoughts of otherwise. Was this true? He mentioned something of me having a life beforehand that consisted of war and pain... and that I was a major part of it. Was I really just like him? Was I really a mindless killer like that? I had no idea where my starting weapons came from, but I somehow always was good at using them. Guns, more futuristic weapons which required a practised missile ace were somehow very familiar to me. I was able to handle ny crosspistil, a similarly based weapon, with mastery. Where did I learn this? Did I learn it by doing the very same thing he did? Killing innocents without remorse? It couldn't be...

Before I could think it over thoroughly though, the demon lashed out at me with his knife, kicking up sand and sending it fading into the sea. There we were, my adrenaline shooting through the roof. He was in direct range, I could easily go for his chest with my weapon. However, this time, nothing was holding me back. It just happened, seeing him race towards me to take out the trash arose a sound sense of fear. Those in fear could either run away or fight for themselves until the last breathe. This battle had to end now. This had to happen now.

And it wouldn't be me falling dead on the ground.

I aimed quickly for his chest and pulled the trigger. The terror inside somehow secured that my aim perhaps would be true. How could he not fall to the ground dead upon my arrow's contact? I was sure I aimed straight for his heart. I desperately watched to see if the bolt wouldn't let me down. This man was terrifying, I no longer could stand any more games.

[Asmodeus]

Tenebrous staggered and came to an abrupt halt as the bolt sunk into his chest. He felt his heart struggling to beat against the metal that pierced it. So this was what it felt like to die. It was an entirely new experience.

Tenebrous laughed at his situation and a froth of blood coated his lips. Here he was, a being as old as time itself. He had fought wars that predated humanity. He had fallen from the heavens like lightning. He had spent an eternity carving out a personal kingdom in the Nine Hells and another eternity ruling it. And in a single moment, as the girl's finger kissed the trigger, it was over.

He staggered to the ground as his knife fell from his slack grip. His eyes were two dying golden embers as the light flickered out from them. He had no more time. No more words. As the darkness closed in on all sides, he remembered something. Something a playwright had told him. Tenebrous rallied the last of his strength and lifted his head.

“Hell is empty,” Tenebrous said. He locked eyes with the girl and smiled. “All the demons are here.”

[The Muri]

I felt another form of terror engulf me as the demon spoke two final sentences before dropping dead. I slowly lowered the crosspistol while desperately making sure I didn't drop it. I felt my breathing slow in a single moment. This entire event had caused me to rethink a question I was asking since day one in Althanas.

Who am I?

Even now, I had no idea where I came from or how I lived. All I knew was that I was here now. But why? Why was I here? And why couldn't I remember a th? There was an endless void in my head, a noisy static that would never lift. But once again, why?

Somehow, this devil figured it out. Somehow, he knew something about who I was. But was I everything he said? Was I a monster? A murderer? A demon?

... I couldn't choose to believe that.

As the monk's lifted the ocean from us, my wounds suddenly stopped stinging. They still ached, and the monks would need to work at it. How many times though have I done this to someone else? Did I ever harm anyone else? As everything else from the battle fadrd, one thing remained... my new found doubts.

This thread is finished and now will be submitted for judging.

[Philomel]

Thread Title: Dim the Lights, Power the Darkness (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27673-Dim-Out-the-Lights-Power-the-Darkness)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: The Muri vs Asmodeus



Plot: 17 --- 18

Story- 5/10---7/10

The Muri - This is weak at the very beginning of your first post, where your conversational type is a little too casual for a battle and seems clumsy. You do keep constant in the first person narrative, however it can get too conversational as if writing a monologue. Be aware that you are writing with someone else, and that you should try to fit in with their style. That being said, however, the rest of the story fits well with Asmodeus, and the general plot is done very well.
Asmodeus - You write well with a patient and literate hand. You have a good ability to fit in with The Muri also, and weave a story that one would want to read. It can be easy to lose the focus with a battle, but you manage to keep the tone solid and constant, which is excellent.

Setting- 5/10---5/10

For both of you setting could have featured a lot more. In the majority of the posts it was not even mentioned. Try using all the senses to interact with your surroundings as you go on in the battle; this will create a very powerful impact and empower your writing.
The Muri - you did create the setting, and it was good, if very simple. One thing that worked very well was your wording at the end representing the magic of the place with; 'lifted the ocean from us'.
Asmodeus - you did mention the setting in the first instance, and this worked when your character directly related and reacted to it, however this really was the only sense of setting that you gave, until the last post.

Pacing- 7/10---6/10

The Muri - Your pacing is well timed and just. Particularly in post 7 you make the pace exciting, using even unusual format and partial sentences to build tension.
Asmodeus - Unfortunately at time you tend to hurry your posts, and this can be seen in the very short sharp length of them. Particularly in the middle of the action (posts 6 and 8) this is a weakness and makes the pacing of the piece race somewhat; even though rise and fall in pace can be good for a battle there is the possiblity of going too fast. Try to balance in future. However, you still have a good sense of where the story is going and you do manage to space out the posts later on and come to a significantly artful conclusion.



Character: 17 --- 19

Communication- 5/10---6/10

The Muri - Though the dialogue was constant for Kaida, it was at times a little too conversational and invariably was trapped somewhat by the tone of your first person narrative. Recommendation would be to try to really define your narrative voice and make it obviously different from the way Kaida speaks. Although it is her mind writing this down, do remember that the reader wants to see how the world sees Kaida and how Kaida sees Kaida. They are too very different things.
Asmodeus - There is a great amusement when you mention that Teneberous is 'nothing but a gentleman' in post 2. His speech, though perhaps unusual for a demon is well structured and very constant. At times there could have, perhaps, more of it, however what there was was excellent in relation to his character.

Action-6/10---7/10

The Muri - One really gets a sense of Kaida's personality in such simple words as, 'smirked' and 'fresh smile' which is really shown in your style of writing and the first person narrative. Though your verb use at time can be somewhat clunky and awkward, such as using the word, 'zipped' to take up the hilt of her sword, you write well. Just try the use of a theasaurus once or twice for variety. This might help a lot.
Asmodeus - Action, in a similar way, is very defined and precise and shows what you want it to. It is hard, sometimes, in a battle to get the actions correct, but you allowed for injury as well as strike, which is especially good. Well done.

Persona- 6/10---6/10

The Muri - The persona shone through brilliantly with use of the first person narrative. However, please refer to Communcation for advice on how to write a better structure. It would also help to have a firmer tone, rather than, 'hi, how are you doing ... anyway ...' tone, that though works well in a quest is not so good in a battle.
Asmodeus - Teneberous did reveal a little of himself, especially near the beginning and the end, however it would have been nice, at times, to see a few of his definite inner thoughts. Try experimenting and adding these at random times to see how it helps your flow.



Prose: 19 --- 19

Mechanics- 6/10---5/10

The Muri - there were a few times where you had a moment of speech and did not set it within its own paragraph. For correct mechanics this should always be the case. The way you write it and the speech works, it it can be hard to define the speech within the paragraph (this is especially difficult in post 5) and it causes less flow. However, as far as strengths go you do have a firm grasp of sentence structure and as far as can be seen there are no obvious spelling mistakes.
Asmodeus - Similar to The Muri you place speech in paragraphs that have other clauses and sentences, and should have a new paragraphs. At times you also miss certain key punctuation, such as the comma at the end of speech in '...call me a beast, a monster” Tenebrous said...' in post 10. You have a good sense of sentencing, however.

Clarity- 7/10---6/10

The Muri - overall you are clear and precise in what you want to say, and all the battle actions that Kaida makes are obvious. It is easy to make such actions vague in a battle.
Asmodeus - your tendency to use thick paragraphs here sometimes obscures the flow of reading, and thus makes it unclear. Though, as a strength, your points are more often than not made and your posts flow together well.

Technique- 6/10---8/10

The Muri - your technique is clear and defined, and your sense of description good. Although, you could have done with a more ambitious use of literary techniques, such as metaphors and similies. You do use adjectives, but that is really all. It would work to add imagery, personification etc, that could really work well with your first person narrative. Though this is unusual to work from this tense, sometimes it blocks your skill in writing.
Asmodeus - Overall I love the beauty of your writing, and you do it very well. You have a good sense of ambitious technique also, with your best metaphor possibly being, 'The water that surrounded them stretched and warped the sound, twisting it into a low, metallic moan.' in post 6.



Wildcard: 5 --- 5

I am going to add wildcard for both of you for your brilliant death scene, and for Muri, the actual bringing about of the death. Very creative and well written on both sides.



Final Score: 58---61

Asmodeus (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?XXXXX) Wins!:


550 EXP!
86 GP!

Congratulations!


The Muri (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?XXXXX) Receives:


150 EXP!
93 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added.