Workshop: To the Bitter End

[Alyssa Snow]

Name of Completed Thread: To the Bitter End (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?18739)
Name of Authors: Izvilvin (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?329) and Where in the World? (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?8606)
Type of Thread: Quest
Date Closed: 8/25/2014
Number of Posts: 22 Posts

User Notes:

Most of this writing is about half a decade old, and Izvilvin had no interest in finishing the thread the last time we were both back at the same time. I would prefer if reader commentary was focused on the last 6-7 posts, since that's more indicative of my writing now. Thank everyone for their feedback for me!

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27540-Writer-s-Workshop-Guide)), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric (http://www.althanas.com/world/faq.php?faq=exp#faq_rubric) as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Flames of Hyperion]

* Disclaimer: This is informal, subjective advice from somebody who's not very accomplished at handing out such. Treat accordingly. With respect to the submission request, I skimmed the first 15 posts or so and concentrate commentary on the final seven, and on Alydia rather than Izvilvin. Without further ado!

Story: A covert insertion gone wrong... or as wrong as can be expected when both covert operatives start attacking guards willy-nilly ^^. That said, the premise was simple enough and enough background given that I didn't have to read through the prequels to understand it. Alydia's aims could probably have been elaborated upon further during the chase; my prior knowledge of her helped, but aside from a throwaway line early on, it wasn't really clear that she was going after an artefact, and in particular why she was doing so at the expense of all the other priceless relics and what made the tome so special.

You dealt admirably well with losing Izvilvin halfway through the story, working his absence into the plot and advancing the story on your own. You kept things moving swiftly and well, from scene to scene and even including the point where she treats her own wounds (which is something that's all-too-often glossed over). The final confrontation kept my eyes glued to the screen, though I felt that Zakin let her off lightly (even I'm not trusting enough to think he's really gone!). It might have been interesting for him to have pushed her a bit harder.

I'd hate to know how much of Althanas's history was lost in the process, though! Bad Alydia!


Background: Great use of the immediate setting; in particular, I enjoyed the trap in the hall of catwalks and Aly's escape from it. You kept the fortress itself generic enough to be easy to visualise, but littered your writing with frequent references and metaphors that alluded to Althanas as a whole, which made the thread very enjoyable to read. Not to mention Aly's habit of peppering her thoughts and speech with liberal Alerian, which added to the experience considerably.

The one small peeve I carried was that some of the technology - the generators, the holographic projections, the teleporter in particular - seemed to push the boundaries of steampunk a little. Could you have dumbed it down a little, or perhaps woven a bit more arcane into the tech, or perhaps added to Alydia's sheer wonder at the wondrous advances? Also I found it incongruous that a lowly technician - especially one who wets his breeches at the first sign of trouble - would have a pistol, especially one that he didn't know how to / have the guts to use, whereas many of the guards were armed with melee weaponry. But that's just nit-picking.


Characters: I love the little details that you put into Aly, like how she hates wearing her coat reversed, and the ingenious ways that she utilises her thieving power. Her silly side - for example when she couldn't help but strike a pose when escaping from her father - really made her shine even when things turned against her. Juxtaposed with this, of course, is the more tangible struggle with her identity - which isn't really a struggle at all in the end, since she holds true to her beliefs, well written! - and her determinator nature that allowed her to override her injuries and outwit (?) her father and escape from the vault.

Perhaps inevitably with all the effort you made for Aly, I felt that you could have characterised the mooks just a little more. Zakin was deliberately a relative mystery bar his sadistic streak, but the only mook who got more than a cursory mention was the technician... and he came across as a bit of a caricature, afraid of Step but too weak for independent action. I know he wasn't really representative of her foes, but it would have been nice to add a couple of touches to the man with the BFS or the dark elf with the gun.


Technique: Overall, I can't fault much here! As always, I admire your stellar use of simile and metaphor. Repeated words stood out now and again ('alarm' in first two sentences of post #16). Once in a while you tried to cram too much into one sentence: 'Aside from the muffled thumps of her pursuit trying to break through, the short corridor the thief found herself in was silent save for a loud electric hum.' But it only happened now and again; very little slowed me down in reading, so congrats to an editing job well done ^^.


* In closing: A shame that Izvilvin faded from this one, but kudos to coming back to this from a five-year absence and wrapping it up very nicely. Also good to read what Alydia was up to immediately prior to our thread - nice of you to name-drop the Legion!

[Alyssa Snow]

Two weeks left until this workshop closes. Since Flames is the only one to have replied, he is eligible for double GP for his effort.

Anyone else who contributes to this workshop will be eligible for increased rewards due to the need for feedback. This may mean double GP and/or bonus EXP depending on the amount and quality posted.

[Karuka]

As a note, I appreciate any and all feedback given.

[Alyssa Snow]

I will have Flames' EXP shortly. Until then, this thread is closed.

I encourage all members to contribute any form of feedback on future workshops.

[Alyssa Snow]

Flames gets 2,420 EXP & 220 GP for his useful contribution and being the ONLY one to provide feedback.

This EXP & GP has been added.

Thank you again Flames.

Everyone, please take advantage of these workshops to not only expose yourself to other writer's works, but to claim some easy EXP & GP. Flames is getting 2,420 EXP for a single post. You could too.