Hey I need help from oldies!

[Séreméla]

Yeah so I have been on althanas for about a year and a half now, and have finished very few quests and battles. But I was wondering from some of the people who might have judged or just read my old writing from Alexandra or Star Blaze if you can give me some insight on how I might or might not be improving. So if any of you can remember that far back and can read my new quest and tell me how I've changed, I'd really like that. thanks in advance

[Ebivoulya]

Not to burst your bubble, but specific links would be helpful. Not everyone follows the careers of fledgling roleplayers. I may not be an oldie, but I can give you my opinion. I'll use one post of yours to make my points, take them as you will. Any grammatical corrections will be added in [brackets].


Séreméla's back slammed into the dry ground as a cloud of dust wrapped around her. The fall had knocked the wind out of her as she gasped for air but only got sharp particles of dirt.

You left out a lot of information. Dramatic start, but at this point the scenery is not established at all. The mood isn't set. We don't even know what Seremela looks like. Also, try to find another way to mention relative time rather than 'as.' It becomes obviously redundant.


Her eyes were closed[,] but she could tell that her attacker was over her body, blocking out the sun's light.

This would be much more elegantly stated if you left out the fact that 'she could tell.' You should start with the action itself, the shade covering her eyes, and then tell how she reacted/thought.


She opened them to catch a glimmer of the double-bladed axe heading fast towards her torso. Quickly[,] she rolled out of the way as she felt the weapon slam into the ground next to her. She continued to roll while her attacker continously hacked away at the ground just inches from her moving body.

Grammatically, you only missed a comma after 'quickly,' but the entire scene itself seems...improbable, especially since we have no idea what Seremela's attacker looks like. Unless he's a large fellow, it'd be difficult to move an axe that fast. Again, you're leaving out a lot of detail about her surroundings.


The trunk of a tree stopped her hard as Séreméla slammed into it with her ribs.

A very redundant statement. You established the noun, the trunk, before she was even aware of it herself. Did she suddenly look back and see it before she slammed into it? One thing to keep in mind; try to establish objects in the order your character would become aware of them. Don't mention the tree until after she slams into it.


She whimpered for a second at the pain that she had just inflicted on herself, then quickly moved away as the axe came barreling down [to] where she was[,] and buried itself deep into the tree. Séreméla stumbled to her feet[,] and began falling back[,] but caught herself.

A whole lot of unneccessary information. Whimpering at the pain would've sufficed. Also, if she moved out of the way, it is understood that the axe was heading for her. You don't have to tell the reader that. You set the scene through actions, once an action is taken the reader uses their intuition to decide where it would most likely be happening. Stating the fact to them makes it kind of annoying to read, like you're saying something we already knew.


She looked at her attacker trying to pull the blade out of the tree. Séreméla looked around frantically trying to spot her own weapons. The sparkle of her Elven sword lighted [lit] her way to the grassy patch near her as she picked it up and swung her bow and quivers on[to] her back.

You used looked twice in a row. Generally this is 'bad form.' It makes for much more entertaining reading if you avoid using the same word or phrase within a few sentences of eachother. After that it's been long enough that the reader doesn't notice. As for the last sentence, did it only light her way to the grassy patch while she was already there, putting it onto her back, or did it light her way there, and then she put it on her back? As it is written, this is unclear.


A hard metal stick flew through the air and smacked Séreméla across the back making her fall onto her stomach. The pain started to become unbearable. Another gasp for air [sentence fragment]. ["]Now[,] there were two of them.[,]["] She thought to herself as she began recalling how she even got into this mess. Another blow across her back caused Séreméla to pass out from lack of oxygen.[,] And there she was, in her mind in darkness,[;] in unconciousness as her mind began to replay the events up till now.

Mainly your problem here is fragmenting of sentences, runons, and stating what she thought as though it was part of the narration. Also, never begin a sentence with and, and every time you use a word like 'and,' or 'but,' you have to put a comma before it.



Overall, it was very character intensive. In fact, you didn't tell us anything except what was directly affecting her. You didn't include the sights around her, what she looked like, what her enemy looked like, etc. Also, you have a habit of telling the reader things they already understand. If she's moving out of the way of an attack, it's pretty obvious it was headed at least in her general direction. Other than the way you say things, you main hinderance is grammar. Bone up on it some time.

You're not the worst; nay, far from it, but you do have a lot of room for improvement. Some people may disagree with some things I've said, and you can take them all with a grain of salt. I'm not an established 'odlbie' either, but I do know how to write.

You need to take to heart the suggestion made in one of the more recent 'writing tips' posted in the thread by the same name right here on Althanas. 'Viewpoint intruders.' You don't have to tell us she's watching, we already assume that. Instead, you should just focus on the action itself. Rather than say 'she watched him hack away at the tree,' you should say 'he hacked away at the tree relentlessly.' We already know your character is there, and if you're narrating something, she is probably aware of it happening.

I hope some of that helped you out. Good luck.

[Séreméla]

There aren't any links to my previous threads because they were pre-crash so mainly this thread was for Cyrus, Swords-for-hire, Zero Hunter, and Max mainly because I have either RPed with them or they have judged more than one thing from me. But I do thank you for your insight into my writing and I will make sure to take it to heart in my next post.

*edit: And I was hoping to get insight on my Labyrinthine thread rather than my Beginnings one, because the Beginnings had about a week gap inbetween each paragraph almost because I couldn't get into it.

[Cyrus the virus]

Well, I can't really offer any insight because I don't remember what your writing used to be like. Even if I did, I'm usually pretty miserable at this sort of thing... Sorry. I would suggest that you read Ebivoulya's post carefully, though, since he's offering you some good advice.