Workshop: The Flesh Failures: Celebration (Explicit) [Archive]

Lye

10-16-14, 01:57 PM

Name of Completed Threads:
Workshop: The Flesh Failures: Celebration (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26269)
Workshop: The Flesh Failures: Basement (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26271)
Workshop: The Flesh Failures: The Loft (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26270)

Name of Authors: Breaker, Aurelianus Drak'shal, Peacemaker, Enigmatic Immortal, Reine, Amber Eyes, Roht Mirage, Warpath, Hysteria, & Mage Hunter
Type of Thread: Quest
Total Posts: 65 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Threads/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level (http://www.althanas.com/world/faq.php?faq=exp#faq_levelchart))*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: (11/16/14)

Author Comment:

This thread co-exists with The Basement and The Loft. For maximum enjoyment readers are advised to start with the first post in the main thread and follow whichever storyline they find most interesting. You can always come back to where you left off and find out what happened in that room. Keep in mind that we wrote this as a means to blow off steam following the Cell. More so than specific critiques of individuals' writing, I'm interested to know what works or doesn't work about this massive, multi-setting'd kind of social RP. Would you consider the use of multiple threads to compartmentalize play areas a help, or a hindrance? Any other suggestions for similar events that might take place in the future?

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Ranger

10-22-14, 01:55 PM

The Flesh Failures

So… lots of reading to do. =) I’m going to separate each person for comments and just write a summary instead of a true rubric. If you have further questions or want more commentary feel free to PM me and I’ll get that done for you.

All in all, I found this an interesting thread to read. It was a nice change of pace from the usual battle and intense quest that we see so often on Althanas, kind of more like an upscale Peaceful Promenade thread – with side areas. I thought the most mentionable standouts were Aurelianus and Roht, who brought a lot to the table, but everyone did well. There were places that could have been expounded upon, grammatical mistakes all over, and a bit of a lack of depth to the setting – but all in all it was fun to follow along with as a reader.

Breaker
There was a disagreement in your opening post as to character position, which threw me off. You said Angeline left Doomeye and then next paragraph Doomeye was responding and Angeline kissed her on the cheek.

Other than that the writing felt a little flat at times, as if playing the part of the GM was almost burdensome. However, your character kept level and you kept the thread flowing along.

Your descriptions of the opening scene was great.

Aurelianus
Your little familiar/flesh baby is a creepy… thing. And I love it. Also, the way you portray your character through the narrative is intriguing and gives a depth to the writing that otherwise might be missed. It is uniquely your style, which in turn makes it something of a delicacy to read as many writers may go years (even those that are well heralded for their works) and never find.

One of the few criticisms I may have is that you could use the five senses better as a means of description in your posts. Sight and sound are easy, but when you get into smells, tastes, and touch it get a little hazy or lost.

Enigmatic Immortal
Your opening post, first paragraph, was missing words and used the wrong tense of a word. Take care with proofreading, there are typo’s here and there within the first post that extend from narrative/pacing to dialogue. Commas, commas, commas. There are a lot of run-on sentences that could use commas, or lose a comma and be split. Try reading your posts aloud as they are written and you’ll notice what I mean, it is very stuttered because of having to go back and re-read things.

:: “The man walked on, prepared to enter the dance floor with his new entourage of giggling girls, when the boy turned and looked to the man, hand reaching out and tossing a small throwing knife. With reflexes born of a true warrior born the man twirled, grabbed it by the hilt, twirled it in his fingers and returned fire in the blink of an eye landing the blade inches from the boy’s hand.” :: The first sentence is a bit confusing as a run-on of sorts, with the comma after girls and continuing with ‘when’ which made the rest of the structure of the paragraph odd. The second sentence didn’t need the second ‘born’ and should have had a period after hilt. Twirled was used twice, and there needed to be a comma after landing.
Take care with the flow and pace of the narrative so the pronoun ‘it’ in this circumstance, doesn’t get lost within or the reader thrown off trying to keep up.

I did enjoy that you stuck to character, it was laid back, and you kept up a meaningful story that kept me engaged while I was reading along.

Reine
The beginning of your opening post was fluid and began to set the stage well, and it continued except for the random bit of colloquialism that you threw into the beginning of the second paragraph. “cause Radasanth was oh so safe at midnight.” :: if you want to use that form of narrative, and try and play off a third person written by the character almost (which is incredibly hard itself) it should extend throughout the writing. Otherwise, I’d suggest maybe making that a little blurb of your characters thoughts and placing it between hyphens if you use it in the middle of a sentence.
It seemed that the lower diction – the colloquial narrative that I was referring to – appears a couple times. Again, if you want to go that route it’s best to stick to it, otherwise use a slightly higher diction for certain words. The most glaring of this happening is the word ‘a lot’ which is commonly a very low diction word, and there are numerous words that can be used in its place – or it can be left out altogether in place of aligning the sentence differently and allowing for better pacing, word choice, and description. For example:
Post 5 “…revealing a lot of skin and a lot of red.” :: instead of ‘a lot’ you could have used a descriptive word such as ‘revealing her soft white skin’ or ‘tanned skin’.

Post 1 “First though, she had to get rid of this jacket. “ :: ‘this’ is first person, which slips from the 3rd person narrative.

There were a couple places I noted that you accidentally put the t in ‘the’ with the word before it.

Amber Eyes
It feels like you’re writing in a reactionary way throughout your narrative in this thread, as if you were having trouble finding your place and voice. You have a strong character with plenty of story and personality, let it shine. Instead of writing so that you are making paragraph notes of other people’s posts, and then one paragraph for your own, try and put a little more of who Kyla is in the thread. The best way to make a thread flow is to add to it as you go, maybe making note of what others might not have yet (by your second post the busy bar or other patrons) or expound more on the effects of the drink that were working on you.

Roht Mirage
Absolutely brilliant imagery in the narrative with just enough description of the characters to get a picture of who they are, coupled with a diction that draws my interest as a reader fully.
My only comment is really that you use the mid-sentence quotations for muttered words and thoughts frequently, and in some places it stands out more as a stamp almost than something that flows with the sentence as a whole.

You also have a unique writing style that fits the character and narrative in a way that makes it enjoyable to read.

Post 7 :: “She had seen many where the surface of Fallien still bore the scars of its ancient breaking. Such gaps were walls more absolute than any castle... or prison.” :: this portion of the paragraph seemed a bit wordy, and phrased strangely. The analogy is well worded but felt out of place.

Warpath
The first half of your opening post was easy enough to follow, but I had very little clue as to who everyone was, where you were or anything like that. Don’t forget to bring in at least a little description to make the reader more aware of what is happening and where it is happening. Also, a bit more background as to the way Flint fit with the Cell people would have helped. Otherwise, there are just a lot of one sentence paragraphs which could have been condensed or expounded upon to make everything flow a little better… it seemed like a post rushed to get into the club more than a true opening post.

As you continued things seemed to be a little forced, but you opened up your writing ability a bit more and told your character’s part of the story that worked. In a way you felt a little disengaged, but you kept up well.

Hysteria
Your wording… I think it has mostly to do with the diction you chose to use. First, the word ‘sparkly’ when describing the stones on the woman’s dress caught me off because it’s – frankly and I don’t mean this offensively – a very childish word. Then you used ‘mounds’ to describe breasts. And the description of the high heels was ‘black and high’, could have gone with something else other than high. I’m not sure if that was meant to be a narrative diction choice as to pertain to his age or not, but you also used higher diction words such as ‘encapsulating’ which was out of place in that regard.

The sentence structure of the first post had very short sentences, some of which were simply out of place others which were fragments which didn’t need to be sentences on their own.
Post 17: “Her free hand holding a clutch.” :: that’s more of a fragmentary-like sentence that was simply out of place.
“Nearly as encapsulating as her figure were here eyes. A deep blood red, framed by the small bob cut of her hair.” :: ‘here’ should have been ‘her’, and instead of a period it should have been ‘…her eyes, a deep…’ Also, that was the second time you had described her eyes as deep blood red in the same paragraph.

“The youth was at perfect eye level to enjoy his date dress, but he looked slightly out of place his the top of his hat only reaching her chin.” :: ‘date’s dress’ and ‘with the top’ instead of ‘his the top’.
Little things like those are easily corrected with proofreading as you go, or after the post, so that you don’t run into wording issues. There are multiple errors like that throughout.

The character is interesting, and all in all was something new for me to read since I’ve never had a chance to really follow your past writing. I’m interested in seeing more from you in the future.